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Results 1 - 25 of 146
1. John Swenson on Treme

By Michelle Rafferty


How real is the HBO series Treme? Here John Swenson reflects on what it was like watching the first season as a resident of New Orleans (he has yet to comment on the second, which premiered last night), as well as what the culture of the city means to its people.

As a writer for OffBeat Swenson has written about the musicians returning to NOLA after Katrina, and in his forthcoming book New Atlantis: Musicians Battle for the Survival of New Orleans he talks about their crusade to save the endangered city. Swenson himself suggested the song in the video “Dogs Chase Cats” from Andy J. Forest’s NOtown Story (2010).

Click here to view the embedded video.

0 Comments on John Swenson on Treme as of 1/1/1900
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2. Use Salt to Survive The Apocalypse

For the Mayans, 2012 is the end of their calendar… and maybe the end of the world. I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard apocalyptic predictions throughout much of my life. Remember the millennium? Y2K? The Great Zombies Uprising?

Well, whatever you believe… apocalypse or not… there’s no harm in making sure you’re all set in case the worst happens. Isn’t the Boy Scouts’ motto “Always Be Prepared”? 

SALT! I cannot impress upon you how important salt is. Okay, so maybe your doctor says it’s giving you high blood pressure right now. But that’s because you’re using too much of it (salt is already in most foods, therefore it’s not necessary to add more).

Fact is, salt is actually vital for you. Salt regulates the water in your body. A sodium deficiency can lead to seizures; even cause you to fall into a coma.  

Image via Wikipedia

Salt’s even been used in place of currency. In fact, the word “salary” comes from the word salt. And perhaps you’ve heard the saying “worth his weight in salt”. Yep. Salt was a real comparison of worth because of its high value.

One of the main health necessities of salt is due to its iodine. Years back they started putting iodine in salt, a small but essential amount that keeps us from Iodine Deficiency. This lack of iodine is pretty serious. It can lead to mental retardation. (Worldwide, Iodine Deficiency effect 2 billion people)

Image via Wikipedia

Salt is a great preservative. Once we lose electricity, we lose refrigeration. Salt may be the only way you will be able to keep your meats for any length of time.

Plus, rumor has it salt can help you fight off demons. If the religious nuts are right and the apocalypse comes by way of Lucifer, than that’s just one more reason why you should have plenty of salt on hand.

So, bottom line: Salt is cheap. If you’re smart, you’ll start stocking up your cupboards now with this white, grainy gold.

Image via Wikipedia

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3. Freak Show

Nature has ways of providing us with sick entertainment. Everyone who has had a garden has at one time or another dug up a uniquely formed carrot or potato. We find these abnormal growths entertaining and interesting, abnormally formed animals and humans draw our eyes even more so.

The most famous deformities are Siamese Twins. Most do not survive.  Undoubtedly without medical aid none could be born naturally and the mother too, would die.  For more information (and freaky pictures) on Siamese twins click here!

Another deformity can be caused later in life, as the result of the polio virus.  The virus travels through the bloodstream and into the brain.  Although it has been halted in many areas thanks to vaccinations, it should be noted that the below photo was taken as recently as 1995.  It primarily strikes young people and can leave them paralyzed. 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Polio_sequelle.jpg

Hypertelorism is a genetic deformity that causes body parts to be placed farther apart.  Most often the eyes are abnormally wide set, as we see in the seven year old girl below.

File:Mary mac dougal 1.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypertelorism

Another famous freak is the freak accident, as when a skier crashes into a tree.  Particularly funny to witness, not too funny to be involved in.  A free accident is typically one that nobody could  have predicted, or something that happens very rarely, and should have been easily avoided. 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Freak_accident_-_entire_photo.JPG

Freak storms are an other freak event we just love to watch, over and over.  As long at it is not happening to us.  Below we see a tsunami that hit Thailand in 2004.

File:2004-tsunami.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:2004-tsunami.jpg

Some people are noted for being freaks.  For some this is a good thing, while others are bullied or teased, shunned by society for having the guts to be different and live their life the way they would want.  Obviously some people are freaks because of natural physical deformities, as mentioned above, but these are the people who have the stigma of being freaks only because their behavior is different than what is the cultural norm.  Below we see a man who even calls himself a freak, this is John the freak at Hempfest in Seattle.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Seattle_Hempfest_2007_-_John_the_Freak_01A.jpg

Because it is today considered socially unacceptable to put freaks on display, the once common “Freak Show” in circuses and fairs is getting harder and harder to find.  While some freaks in the past were probably real, others may have been faked.  If today we saw this picture (below) we would question if the remainder of the person was simply hidden under the sand.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:FreaksPoster2.jpg

None the less there is something in the human psyche that longs to look at freaks for one reason or another.  We need to watch train wrecks, disasters, and to look at deformities.  This is nothing new, we can look back to older renderings showing freaks, sometimes in tasteful ways.  Below we see Lazarus and Joannes Baptista.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lazarus_and_Joannes_Baptista_Colloredo.jpg

Finally I leave you with Jo-Jo the dog faced boy.  Not a very nice name for this lad who served in side shows due to his abmornal hair growth on his face.  The problem is actually known as Hypertrichosis.  In minor forms it causes single abnormal hair growth on people even so that a person may have one abnormally long hair on their arm or leg, or a patch of long hairs. 

File:Jeftichew-14.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Jeftichew-14.jpg

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4. Monthly Horoscopes for Animals: November

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Arian cats will be unusually quiet this month when restricted from going outside or facing any household changes. This is not a good sign. Chances are they are carefully waiting for the most opportune moment to poop outside the litterbox.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Your Taurian Jack-Russell terrier might share a star sign with George Clooney and Carmen Elektra, but he or she will seem far less attractive when becoming possessive of your belongings, especially those one of a kind, hand-stitched leather boots from crazy Aunt Mary.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – It might be difficult to discern, but your Gemini pet snakes are feeling uncomfortable. Expect to clean the tank more frequently than usual and make sure you protect your sinuses from the smell.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Those Cancer born rabbits are going to be hopping this month. If they seem agitated to you, don’t worry about their health – it’s just bunny love in the air, although a colleague of mine swears its really because they are plotting a revolution.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – Your Leo parrot gazes out of the window and dreams of blue skies and may be resentful of captivity, especially when it sees what you are doing to that poor, dead turkey when Thanksgiving arrives. If he or she is a bit cranky, don’t worry, eventually your bird will stop swearing at you and be grateful for all the treats you’ve been sneaking into its beak.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Virgo born horses may be suspicious of new riders this month ever since that kid you let ride him last month accidentally got chewing gum in your mare or stallion’s mane and ruined the hair-do.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You thought the whole point of having a Libra pet travel-agent was to get out to see the world, but he or she isn’t migrating and just won’t leave the house.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – Hedgehogs born under the influence of Scorpio will be uncharacteristically soft and giving this month. Don’t let him or her loose by accident, or soft and giving could mean he or she is road kill.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – If your Sagittarian hamster seems bored, its because he or she is sick of running around in that wheel but can’t find anything better to do. Find him or her a cardboard box to chew on or something.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – That Capricorn gerbil has got serious ambitions, he or she is entertaining dreams of being the first rodent to break the sound barrier for speed.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – If your Aquarian born monkey is being too Zen for comfort this month, you are right to be concerned. That college kid who lives down the street and is home for Thanksgiving and house sat for you that one time slipped him a “special” brownie. Look at the bright side, at least he won’t get riled enough to fling poo.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Your Piscean guinea pig is feeling drawn to exotic things and new experiences. When you take him out to clean the cage, make sure he is somewhere he can’t get out of the house, or he may run off to Venezuela to try and mate with a capybara.

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5. Monthly Horoscopes for Animals: November

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Arian cats will be unusually quiet this month when restricted from going outside or facing any household changes. This is not a good sign. Chances are they are carefully waiting for the most opportune moment to poop outside the litterbox.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Your Taurian Jack-Russell terrier might share a star sign with George Clooney and Carmen Elektra, but he or she will seem far less attractive when becoming possessive of your belongings, especially those one of a kind, hand-stitched leather boots from crazy Aunt Mary.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – It might be difficult to discern, but your Gemini pet snakes are feeling uncomfortable. Expect to clean the tank more frequently than usual and make sure you protect your sinuses from the smell.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Those Cancer born rabbits are going to be hopping this month. If they seem agitated to you, don’t worry about their health – it’s just bunny love in the air, although a colleague of mine swears its really because they are plotting a revolution.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – Your Leo parrot gazes out of the window and dreams of blue skies and may be resentful of captivity, especially when it sees what you are doing to that poor, dead turkey when Thanksgiving arrives. If he or she is a bit cranky, don’t worry, eventually your bird will stop swearing at you and be grateful for all the treats you’ve been sneaking into its beak.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Virgo born horses may be suspicious of new riders this month ever since that kid you let ride him last month accidentally got chewing gum in your mare or stallion’s mane and ruined the hair-do.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You thought the whole point of having a Libra pet travel-agent was to get out to see the world, but he or she isn’t migrating and just won’t leave the house.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – Hedgehogs born under the influence of Scorpio will be uncharacteristically soft and giving this month. Don’t let him or her loose by accident, or soft and giving could mean he or she is road kill.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – If your Sagittarian hamster seems bored, its because he or she is sick of running around in that wheel but can’t find anything better to do. Find him or her a cardboard box to chew on or something.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – That Capricorn gerbil has got serious ambitions, he or she is entertaining dreams of being the first rodent to break the sound barrier for speed.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – If your Aquarian born monkey is being too Zen for comfort this month, you are right to be concerned. That college kid who lives down the street and is home for Thanksgiving and house sat for you that one time slipped him a “special” brownie. Look at the bright side, at least he won’t get riled enough to fling poo.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Your Piscean guinea pig is feeling drawn to exotic things and new experiences. When you take him out to clean the cage, make sure he is somewhere he can’t get out of the house, or he may run off to Venezuela to try and mate with a capybara.

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6. Amazing Sand Art: Run The Beasties are Coming!

Dear Grandma

Having a lovely time, here on holiday at Amityville-On-Sea.

I am sending you some photographs to show you how wonderful and exciting it is.

You were right when you said there are lots of interesting creatures to see, and fun things to do beside the sea.

I made a new friend called Tom and we were making sand castles today when out of the sand popped a dragon….

I haven’t seen Tom since to ask him if he likes dragons like I do, but some of the other kids and grown ups did not seem very keen.

In fact some ladies starting making a right fuss – shouting and yelling until they heard a horse galloping along the beach.

Lucky for them a knight, who just happened to be passing by, had heard the racket they were making and come to have a look what was going on.

He even had a Princess with him to hold his sword and shield

It didn’t do him any good though.

I think he must have not practised very hard with dragons before (like what I do on the violin) because he didn’t win the fight.

The dragon did.

Some cats came onto the beach and they must have frightened the dragon because it went back under the sand again.

Aunty Mavis would not let me stroke the cats. She said we had to keep out of the way because some men were coming in a van to shoo them away.

They should not have come at dinnertime cos that way they would not have got eaten.

Aunty Mavis only likes sunbathing so I think all this fun was getting on her nerves.

When a man came along asking if she wanted to buy any watches she shouted at him.

He had a really cool pet with him though.

But Aunty Mavis said it was a smelly old thing and that I couldn’t cuddle it.

She said she had wasted her suntan cream today, and that all the excitement had been too much and made her feel “proper pooped”

So she said it was time to go home, back to the Bed and Breakfast I was staying in with mummy and daddy.

When I told daddy about what a good day I had had he laughed and said I could spin a good yarn, but I really should not tell fibs otherwise he wouldn’t buy me the Jack-in-the-Box he had promised to get me tomorrow.

But you know its true grandma because you have seen the pics.

Wish you were here

Your loving grandson

Eric

Also by C. Jordan, you may like to read these

Amazing Discovery: Answers to the Secrets of Life Uncovered in Postcards

Saucy Seaside Postcards

Amazing Art: 10 Stunning Works of Sand Art

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7. Amazing Sand Art: Run The Beasties are Coming!

Dear Grandma

Having a lovely time, here on holiday at Amityville-On-Sea.

I am sending you some photographs to show you how wonderful and exciting it is.

You were right when you said there are lots of interesting creatures to see, and fun things to do beside the sea.

I made a new friend call Tom and we were making sand castles today when out of the sand popped a dragon….

I haven’t seen Tom since to ask him if he likes dragons like I do, but some of the other kids and grown ups did not seem very keen.

In fact some ladies starting making a right fuss – shouting and yelling until they heard a horse galloping along the beach.

Lucky for them a knight, who just happened to be passing by, had heard the racket they were making and come to have a look what was going on.

It didn’t do him any good though.

I think he must have not practised very hard with dragons before (like what I do on the violin) because he didn’t win the fight.

The dragon did.

Some cats came onto the beach and they must have frightened the dragon because it went back under the sand again.

Aunty Mavis would not let me stroke the cats. She said we had to keep out of the way because some men were coming in a van to shoo them away.

They should not have come at dinnertime cos that way they would not have got eaten.

Aunty Mavis only likes sunbathing so I think all this fun was getting on her nerves.

When a man came along asking if she wanted to buy any watches she shouted at him.

He had a really cool pet with him though.

But Aunty Mavis said it was a smelly old thing and that I couldn’t cuddle it.

She said she had wasted her suntan cream today, and that all the excitement had been too much and made her feel “proper pooped”

So she said it was time to go home, back to the Bed and Breakfast I was staying in with mummy and daddy.

When I told daddy about what a good day I had had he laughed and said I could spin a good yarn, but I really should not tell fibs otherwise he wouldn’t buy me the Jack-in-the-Box he had promised to get me tomorrow.

But you know its true grandma because you have seen the pics.

Wish you were here

Your loving grandson

Eric

Also by C. Jordan, you may like to read these

Amazing Discovery: Answers to the Secrets of Life Uncovered in Postcards

Saucy Seaside Postcards

Amazing Art: 10 Stunning Works of Sand Art

He even had a Pincess with him to hold his sword and shield.

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8. Monthly Horoscopes for Inanimate Objects: November

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Your favorite Aries coffee mug with the patched up handle will turn up in odd locations, wanting contact with your mouth. Beware, however, as its feeling a bit belligerent this month and may be out to burn you.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – That Taurus electric toothbrush you use so frequently is having relationship issues with its worn out head. It is time for a separation and a renewal.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – The Gemini decorative wooden spoon set that you use when good company is coming will attract a lot of positive attention from your friends. Don’t be too jealous as it is merely a spoon.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Any set of colored pencils born under the sign of Cancer this month will be feeling particularly creative and inspired. Make sure to check the walls for random markings when you wake up in the morning, as the moon will enhance their ambitions.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – That two foot tall ceramic turkey bought under the sign of Leo will have its dreams fulfilled when you actually dig it out of the attic and use it as the center theme of your Thanksgiving decorations. Not even the cooked and edible turkey can poison its moment of glory.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – The broken compass crafted long ago under the influence of Virgo will suddenly begin to work as its goals and purpose suddenly becomes clear.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – The Libran linoleum is feeling optimistic but a bit scuffed this month and yearns for the touch of a mop.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – Scorpion remote control cars will be restless this month and want to explore new vistas.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) That Sagitarian i-pod you bought definitely has a mind of its own this month and will start creating its own playlists. Don’t worry though, it has good taste in music.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) The carefully crafted Capricorn leather jacket will hang harmoniously in the closet, enjoying the quiet company of the coat from Grandma that you never wear.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) That huge Aquarian piece of driftwood you found last summer at the beach will experience a change of career as you re-assign its duties as colorful paperweight to highly effective door stop.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Those Piscean one size fits all slippers you bought will prove to be a faithful pair of one person footwarmers, shunning the attention of all other wearers but you.

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9. Monthly Horoscopes for Inanimate Objects: November

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Your favorite Aries coffee mug with the patched up handle will turn up in odd locations, wanting contact with your mouth. Beware, however, as its feeling a bit belligerent this month and may be out to burn you.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – That Taurus electric toothbrush you use so frequently is having relationship issues with its worn out head. It is time for a separation and a renewal.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – The Gemini decorative wooden spoon set that you use when good company is coming will attract a lot of positive attention from your friends. Don’t be too jealous as it is merely a spoon.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Any set of colored pencils born under the sign of Cancer this month will be feeling particularly creative and inspired. Make sure to check the walls for random markings when you wake up in the morning, as the moon will enhance their ambitions.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – That two foot tall ceramic turkey bought under the sign of Leo will have its dreams fulfilled when you actually dig it out of the attic and use it as the center theme of your Thanksgiving decorations. Not even the cooked and edible turkey can poison its moment of glory.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – The broken compass crafted long ago under the influence of Virgo will suddenly begin to work as its goals and purpose suddenly becomes clear.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – The Libran linoleum is feeling optimistic but a bit scuffed this month and yearns for the touch of a mop.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – Scorpion remote control cars will be restless this month and want to explore new vistas.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) That Sagitarian i-pod you bought definitely has a mind of its own this month and will start creating its own playlists. Don’t worry though, it has good taste in music.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) The carefully crafted Capricorn leather jacket will hang harmoniously in the closet, enjoying the quiet company of the coat from Grandma that you never wear.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) That huge Aquarian piece of driftwood you found last summer at the beach will experience a change of career as you re-assign its duties as colorful paperweight to highly effective door stop.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Those Piscean one size fits all slippers you bought will prove to be a faithful pair of one person footwarmers, shunning the attention of all other wearers but you.

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10. Out of Halloween Candy?

Halloween is getting close. You’ve selected your costume, decorated, made party plans and you’ve possibly already aquired that all important stash of candy to hand out. Or have you? There is always that last minute run to the local Walmart. Perhaps you’ve eaten half of your stash, unable to resist that sugar rush, or the candy issue completely slipped your mind this year. Maybe you just didn’t anticipate seeing quite so many kids at your door this year. Here are a few ideas about what you might be able to find in your house to offer as a token gesture honoring the kiddies requests.

Take the opportunity to clean under your couch cushions. Everyone expects at least one guy in the neighborhood to give out his loose change. It’s not a bad idea. Halloween pennies add up and the kid can go out and buy the candy of his or her choosing later.

Forage through your pantry. See that old can of beets that you know you’ll never eat? What about the eight hundred packages of Ramen that you’ve horded against the day that you run out of food? Packages of instant oatmeal are okay, too. You can also unload odd packages of spices for marinades you’ll never make. All those fast food packets of ketchup, mustard and soy sauce that have been languishing unloved in that refrigerator compartment reserved for eggs may finally experience some movement.

All those pairless socks in the bottom of your drawer have been suffering from loneliness for far too long. Throw one of those into that yawning pillowcase and tell the kid it’s a one of a kind sock puppet.

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11. Out of Halloween Candy?

Halloween is getting close. You’ve selected your costume, decorated, made party plans and you’ve possibly already aquired that all important stash of candy to hand out. Or have you? There is always that last minute run to the local Walmart. Perhaps you’ve eaten half of your stash, unable to resist that sugar rush, or the candy issue completely slipped your mind this year. Maybe you just didn’t anticipate seeing quite so many kids at your door this year. Here are a few ideas about what you might be able to find in your house to offer as a token gesture honoring the kiddies requests.

Take the opportunity to clean under your couch cushions. Everyone expects at least one guy in the neighborhood to give out his loose change. It’s not a bad idea. Halloween pennies add up and the kid can go out and buy the candy of his or her choosing later.

Forage through your pantry. See that old can of beets that you know you’ll never eat? What about the eight hundred packages of Ramen that you’ve horded against the day that you run out of food? Packages of instant oatmeal are okay, too. You can also unload odd packages of spices for marinades you’ll never make. All those fast food packets of ketchup, mustard and soy sauce that have been languishing unloved in that refrigerator compartment reserved for eggs may finally experience some movement.

All those pairless socks in the bottom of your drawer have been suffering from loneliness for far too long. Throw one of those into that yawning pillowcase and tell the kid it’s a one of a kind sock puppet.

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12. Monthly Horoscopes for Inanimate Objects: October

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Your Aries lava lamp shall be turned on more than usual this month, and in reward for all of the extra attention, it will make extra funky globular shapes for your viewing enjoyment.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Taurus faucets will be overzealous in their spending and will tend to leak unless carefully tightened.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – That locally crafted salt and pepper shaker set will turn on each other when pepper starts to show a crack and salt remains flawlessly smooth. You may want to keep them apart or retire them for another set of twins until they calm down.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Make sure to monitor that Cancer born deep freezer out in the garage. In its eagerness to please, the ice could build-up and create problems when trying to unearth last seasons deer meat.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – Keep that red leather Leo wallet close or it may be “promoted” to the pocket of another.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – No, you are not gaining that much weight. Your Virgo couch is just feeling overemotional this month and being extra vocal with loud squeaks and sighs every time you sit.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – The lid of that perfectly-sized lovely lilac Libra tupperware container will be reticent about closure. Be gentle and it will all work out.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – That restless Scorpio every-day silverware is getting restless. You may find it wandering about in strange places and behaving inapropriately with the guest silverware.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – That Sagittarian candelabra that has been hiding in the attic until this month is feeling uncertain and wobbly. You will have to brace it with something so it doesn’t fall into the bean dip at your Halloween party.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – Listen, that weird yellow stain on the wall behind your bathroom door is a Capricorn and it will not budge. Give up and paint over it before your mother comes to visit you at your college apartment. If she sees it, she might deny you that huge bag of candy-corn.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – The Aquarian miniature Statuette of Liberty is getting extremely annoyed by the miniature replica of Stonehenge within her eyeline. You may want to move her because Stonehenge has been around a lot longer and if they get into it, Liberty could lose a spike or two.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) The Piscean ping-pong table you keep in the basement will hold up well under pressure. It might be a good place to inspect your Halloween loot. Also, the neighbor kids you stole it from won’t find you in there.

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13. Monthly Horoscopes for Inanimate Objects: October

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Your Aries lava lamp shall be turned on more than usual this month, and in reward for all of the extra attention, it will make extra funky globular shapes for your viewing enjoyment.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Taurus faucets will be overzealous in their spending and will tend to leak unless carefully tightened.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – That locally crafted salt and pepper shaker set will turn on each other when pepper starts to show a crack and salt remains flawlessly smooth. You may want to keep them apart or retire them for another set of twins until they calm down.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Make sure to monitor that Cancer born deep freezer out in the garage. In its eagerness to please, the ice could build-up and create problems when trying to unearth last seasons deer meat.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – Keep that red leather Leo wallet close or it may be “promoted” to the pocket of another.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – No, you are not gaining that much weight. Your Virgo couch is just feeling overemotional this month and being extra vocal with loud squeaks and sighs every time you sit.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – The lid of that perfectly-sized lovely lilac Libra tupperware container will be reticent about closure. Be gentle and it will all work out.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – That restless Scorpio every-day silverware is getting restless. You may find it wandering about in strange places and behaving inapropriately with the guest silverware.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – That Sagittarian candelabra that has been hiding in the attic until this month is feeling uncertain and wobbly. You will have to brace it with something so it doesn’t fall into the bean dip at your Halloween party.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – Listen, that weird yellow stain on the wall behind your bathroom door is a Capricorn and it will not budge. Give up and paint over it before your mother comes to visit you at your college apartment. If she sees it, she might deny you that huge bag of candy-corn.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – The Aquarian miniature Statuette of Liberty is getting extremely annoyed by the miniature replica of Stonehenge within her eyeline. You may want to move her because Stonehenge has been around a lot longer and if they get into it, Liberty could lose a spike or two.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) The Piscean ping-pong table you keep in the basement will hold up well under pressure. It might be a good place to inspect your Halloween loot. Also, the neighbor kids you stole it from won’t find you in there.

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14. Monthly Horoscopes for Cars

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Your usually reliable airies four-door is going to be a little needy this week. Make sure you pat the dashboard and whisper the words, “Pretty girl,” into the steering wheel or she’ll be a bit squeaky.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – That Dodge mini-van you have been driving for years has been driven a little too hard lately. Search for pesky hidden rust spots and send your baby to the car-spa.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Ever notice how your Gemini vehicle always feels like its pulling to the left, then to the right? It’s due for an alignment.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – What have you been doing inside of that Cancer car to make it so nervous? The shocks are worn and its a little leaky.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – Your Leo car is beautiful, as long as you leave it in the driveway.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Your Virgo wheels are getting restless. Time for a road trip!

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – That Libra Lamborgini that looks so good is willing to go the extra mile, but not until after an oil change and a tune-up.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – That Scorpio SUV limo looks mighty fine, but it will be cranky somewhere in the carbuerator region.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – Your unreliable Sag will surprise you this month by giving you a smooth ride until somewhere around the 20th. Then watch out, its going to get bumpy.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – So maybe your car is a little slow to warm up. She’s good, reliable, steady. Except for the upholstery, which is coming apart at the seams.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – Your Aquarian off-roader is good to go, but if you are on the road, and you think you are going faster than the speedometer says, you probably are. Watch out for flashing lights!

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) – Your usually flawless ride is going to behave a little oddly this month, making strange noises and leaving little puddles in the driveway. Whatever you think it is at first is probably wrong.

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15. Monthly Horoscopes for Cars

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Your usually reliable airies four-door is going to be a little needy this week. Make sure you pat the dashboard and whisper the words, “Pretty girl,” into the steering wheel or she’ll be a bit squeaky.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – That Dodge mini-van you have been driving for years has been driven a little too hard lately. Search for pesky hidden rust spots and send your baby to the car-spa.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Ever notice how your Gemini vehicle always feels like its pulling to the left, then to the right? It’s due for an alignment.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – What have you been doing inside of that Cancer car to make it so nervous? The shocks are worn and its a little leaky.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – Your Leo car is beautiful, as long as you leave it in the driveway.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Your Virgo wheels are getting restless. Time for a road trip!

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – That Libra Lamborgini that looks so good is willing to go the extra mile, but not until after an oil change and a tune-up.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – That Scorpio SUV limo looks mighty fine, but it will be cranky somewhere in the carbuerator region.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) – Your unreliable Sag will surprise you this month by giving you a smooth ride until somewhere around the 20th. Then watch out, its going to get bumpy.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – So maybe your car is a little slow to warm up. She’s good, reliable, steady. Except for the upholstery, which is coming apart at the seams.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – Your Aquarian off-roader is good to go, but if you are on the road, and you think you are going faster than the speedometer says, you probably are. Watch out for flashing lights!

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) – Your usually flawless ride is going to behave a little oddly this month, making strange noises and leaving little puddles in the driveway. Whatever you think it is at first is probably wrong.

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16. Cars for Queens

Well the summer is nearly over, so it’s time for all of those of us that are classed as gay queens to get new cars, until next summer. So I’ve listed my top 5 cars for all of us queens to be buying or contracting this autumn that will last through until next summer.

So in reverse order;

5. Ford New Fiesta – The new Ford Fiesta is quite a nice car, and definately one that a lot of us gay queens will be seen in this autumn.

4. Ford Focus RS – The Ford Focus RS is one of those sporty cars that is definately one to be seen in.

3. Renault Clio - This new style of car is definately one to watch, and one that I would be interested in having myself. It’s sleek lines and funky colours provides us with something that we all know will stand out.

2. Aston Martin DB9 – This car is one for the better off amoungst us. Providing that you can afford it, it’s the style of car that provides you with that sporty yet executive look.

1. Vauxhall Astra TwinTop – This car is a hardtop convertable car, meaning that during those winter sunshine days, you can still go wild and take the roof down!

Well there you have it, my 5 top cars for all of us gay queens!

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17. Ten Things Men Find Too Sexy

Men think about sex, and they think about sex a lot, so you might be amazed that something would be too sexy for a guy, but there are at least ten things that I think you may agree are too sexy, here they are. 

Guys find it sexy when a girl is into the same things as him, such as a sports team, or horror flicks. What could be better than sharing a favorite past time together? Guys find it too sexy when the girl starts looking like his favorite teams best player or the killer in a horror flick.  If she looks like a quarter back or an axe murderer, its not hot. 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Anna_Maria_Babberger-Tobler.JPG 

Men love models.  Men fantasize about being with a woman who is a model.  Models are always hot, am I not right? 

File:Quentin Massys 008.jpg

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Quentin_Massys_008.jpg

Guys find it attractive when a woman isn’t afraid to get dirty. It shows that she isn’t going to be a demanding little princess type. Guys find it scary when the woman doesn’t look like she has taken a bath for months.  And before you say anything about the picture not being great, you just try to look up “dirty girl picture” and see how easy it is. 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Barefoot_in_Berlin.JPG

Guys find it sexy when a girl works and spends some of her own money. It makes him happy to see her get the things she loves and wants. Guys find it too sexy when she spends all of her own money, his money, and money they don’t even have.  Also, and please note:  Just because you can buy anything you want, does not mean you should. 

Handbag by Liz Henry.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lizhenry/3363028843/

Men find a damsel in distress a bit of a turn on. It gives him a chance to be a hero for a change. Men find it concerning when the same damsel is in distress all of the time.  Well okay we might rescue her a few times before we clued in but I am sure eventually we would clue in.  Eventually.  Maybe.

Damsel In Distress by Gary Denness.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/garydenness/2845530233/

Men find it kinda sexy watching a girl shave her legs. S l o w l y… with toes pointed, in the shower, water dripping off her. Not so sexy when she has to shave her face though.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jennifer_Miller_Bearded_Lady_by_David_Shankbone.jpg

Guys get turned on by a little girl on girl action or cat fight. You know what I mean. Guys do not really get too many thrills by watching actual cats fight, well hopefully not anyhow. 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ecaille07.jpg

Guys find it sexy when a chick asks their opinion on something like which car to buy or what computer to get. Since women always think they know best, it is hot when they throw us a crumb or two. Guys really don’t like it when a chick tells them how to do something, like change a tire, or fix a computer.  And if the chick is a chicken telling a guy how to fix the computer, well that’s just wrong.

101_0157 by AlishaV.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/alishav/3619318320/

Guys find it sexy when a girl cooks, or does house work in the nude. Can’t think of anything too sexy here. Doing dishes naked, vacuuming naked, mowing the lawn naked, whatever, guys are pretty cool with it.

 http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue_vacuum_cleaner.svg

Guys love seeing some skin.  A little tease is wonderful.   Careful that you don’t show too much as in the photo below, the one one the left is showing a bit too much skin and has dangerously entered the world of being too sexy. 

Lucy and the Fattest Woman by leekelleher.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/leekelleher/200975138/

One tip to any girl wanting to appear sexy, it helps to stand next to somebody larger than yourself.

Other Reading for Your Enjoyment

What do Men Find Sexy

What do Women Find Sexy

Songs for Lovemaking

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18. Witch Hunt 2009, Funny Fruit, Speeding Cyclists and Sweetener Sickness

The first story today that caught my eye came from the Daily Telegraph, the main reason being that it’s in my neck of the woods – East Anglia (UK).

A local councillor, Pat McCloud at Forest Heath District Council in Suffolk attended a committee meeting and was making his point when Councillor Lisa Chambers interrupted him mid flow.  Councillor McCloud, who obviously had got his knickers in a knot, then proceeded to send an email to some of his co-councillors commenting on the interruption and stating that Councillor Chambers couldn’t possibly have known in advance what he was going to say and went on to say that they used to burn witches at the stake for such skills!  This obviously touched a raw nerve and ended up going before the District Council’s standards committee where poor Councillor McCloud was found guilty of accusing Councillor Chambers of witchcraft.  The decision was overturned on appeal but it ended up costing the Council more than £3,000 to investigate and ultimately, of course, this will be added to next year’s tax bills for the general public to pay off next year.

Councillor McCloud, strangely enough, seems to have found allies in the local Pagans who were disappointed that Lisa Chambers and the committee members who found Mr McCloud guilty obviously felt it was a bad thing to be a witch.  As they quite rightly pointed out, not all witchcraft is bad – there are obviously black witches but there are white witches too who do good rather than evil.  I just hope that the witches there in Suffolk can conjure up a bit more cash for the council tax payers in their district to cover the wasted costs in this futile case and let’s face it, if this is how our money is spent in local government it’s no wonder the local taxes go up drastically year on year!

The second article from the Telegraph related to the above Golden Delicious apple.  No, it’s not been painted red – the apple has grown naturally that way!  It’s a ‘random genetic mutation’ apparently and the odds of finding one of these growing on your apple trees at home are 1 million to 1!  As you can imagine it’s causing quite a stir in the village where it grew – Colaton Raleigh in Devon.  The grower, Mr Morrish a retired painter and decorator, said he’d been picking apples to take to his sister-in-law and spotted this little beauty.  He’d been growing apples for 45 years and had never come across anything like it before.  Even the experts at the Royal Horticultural Society and British Independent Fruit Growers Association can’t find any rhyme or reason for it.  Just don’t tell the local council, Mr Morrish, or you may find yourself under close scrutiny by the Witch Finder General of Devon!!!

My third article was spotted in The Times.  It seems that the darker witches have been waving their wands in London!  A series of speed humps has been put on public walkways in London in order to prevent speeding cyclists.  Obviously the cyclists have got the hump but many pedestrians, particularly the elderly, have said that something needed to be done to combat the two-wheeled terrors.

Unfortunately these humps haven’t gone down well (or should I say up and down) with all pedestrians however.  Young mums with pushchairs and prams say they’re not that easy to negotiate and they’re not particularly wheelchair friendly; and of course the blind or more frail pensioners run the risk of tripping.  Somehow I can’t really see these catching on too quickly around the country.  Here in Norwich we tend to have a series of cycleways and footpaths combined which work quite well.  Half the footpath – the outer part is for cyclists and the inner part is for pedestrians.  There’s a white line down the centre so ne’er the twain shall meet – well, in theory anyway; although my experience is that all too often the twain do meet but thankfully, as far as I know, we’ve had very few fatalities although I think we’ve ended up with the odd bruise or scratch (or wonky wheel … and I’m talking about the bikes here, not the pedestrians or cyclists!).

Now to my final article which I found in The Guardian.  The Food Standards Agency is going to fund investigations into whether, after years of telling us we should be cutting back on sugar and using artificial sweeteners, aspartame can be damaging to the health and has side effects.

Aspartame is around 200 times sweeter than sugar and can be found in more than 4,000 products in the UK including diet sodas, ready meals, yogurt, cereal bars and candy.  It’s been considered safe for more than 25 years but now it seems the populace are finding that after consuming products with aspartame in them, they seem to be prone to headaches, dizziiness, diarrhoea and tiredness.

The research is apparently going to take the form of using 50 human guinea pigs who are susceptible to side effects and feeding them with cereal bars.  Some of the bars will contain aspartame and others will be aspartame free.  The results should be available some time next year and, if there is reason to believe aspartame could be damaging to the health, then further research will be carried out.

Now this is where my witchcraft comes into force!  For years (without the aid of a crystal ball) I’ve foreseen that all this cutting back on fat, salt and sugar and opting for artificial versions is bad for the health.  People for centuries have been eating the natural versions and don’t seem to have come to too much harm.  Provided you have a good range of all the natural minerals and vitamins and have a reasonable amount of exercise you shouldn’t need all these artificial things and now it seems my premonition has borne fruit – even if it’s not a genetically mutated fruit. 

Come on Witch Finder General – seek me out and burn me at the stake if you will!!!!

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19. Witch Hunt 2009, Funny Fruit, Speeding Cyclists and Sweetener Sickness

The first story today that caught my eye came from the Daily Telegraph, the main reason being that it’s in my neck of the woods – East Anglia (UK).

A local councillor, Pat McCloud at Forest Heath District Council in Suffolk attended a committee meeting and was making his point when Councillor Lisa Chambers interrupted him mid flow.  Councillor McCloud, who obviously had got his knickers in a knot, then proceeded to send an email to some of his co-councillors commenting on the interruption and stating that Councillor Chambers couldn’t possibly have known in advance what he was going to say and went on to say that they used to burn witches at the stake for such skills!  This obviously touched a raw nerve and ended up going before the District Council’s standards committee where poor Councillor McCloud was found guilty of accusing Councillor Chambers of witchcraft.  The decision was overturned on appeal but it ended up costing the Council more than £3,000 to investigate and ultimately, of course, this will be added to next year’s tax bills for the general public to pay off next year.

Councillor McCloud, strangely enough, seems to have found allies in the local Pagans who were disappointed that Lisa Chambers and the committee members who found Mr McCloud guilty obviously felt it was a bad thing to be a witch.  As they quite rightly pointed out, not all witchcraft is bad – there are obviously black witches but there are white witches too who do good rather than evil.  I just hope that the witches there in Suffolk can conjure up a bit more cash for the council tax payers in their district to cover the wasted costs in this futile case and let’s face it, if this is how our money is spent in local government it’s no wonder the local taxes go up drastically year on year!

The second article from the Telegraph related to the above Golden Delicious apple.  No, it’s not been painted red – the apple has grown naturally that way!  It’s a ‘random genetic mutation’ apparently and the odds of finding one of these growing on your apple trees at home are 1 million to 1!  As you can imagine it’s causing quite a stir in the village where it grew – Colaton Raleigh in Devon.  The grower, Mr Morrish a retired painter and decorator, said he’d been picking apples to take to his sister-in-law and spotted this little beauty.  He’d been growing apples for 45 years and had never come across anything like it before.  Even the experts at the Royal Horticultural Society and British Independent Fruit Growers Association can’t find any rhyme or reason for it.  Just don’t tell the local council, Mr Morrish, or you may find yourself under close scrutiny by the Witch Finder General of Devon!!!

My third article was spotted in The Times.  It seems that the darker witches have been waving their wands in London!  A series of speed humps has been put on public walkways in London in order to prevent speeding cyclists.  Obviously the cyclists have got the hump but many pedestrians, particularly the elderly, have said that something needed to be done to combat the two-wheeled terrors.

Unfortunately these humps haven’t gone down well (or should I say up and down) with all pedestrians however.  Young mums with pushchairs and prams say they’re not that easy to negotiate and they’re not particularly wheelchair friendly; and of course the blind or more frail pensioners run the risk of tripping.  Somehow I can’t really see these catching on too quickly around the country.  Here in Norwich we tend to have a series of cycleways and footpaths combined which work quite well.  Half the footpath – the outer part is for cyclists and the inner part is for pedestrians.  There’s a white line down the centre so ne’er the twain shall meet – well, in theory anyway; although my experience is that all too often the twain do meet but thankfully, as far as I know, we’ve had very few fatalities although I think we’ve ended up with the odd bruise or scratch (or wonky wheel … and I’m talking about the bikes here, not the pedestrians or cyclists!).

Now to my final article which I found in The Guardian.  The Food Standards Agency is going to fund investigations into whether, after years of telling us we should be cutting back on sugar and using artificial sweeteners, aspartame can be damaging to the health and has side effects.

Aspartame is around 200 times sweeter than sugar and can be found in more than 4,000 products in the UK including diet sodas, ready meals, yogurt, cereal bars and candy.  It’s been considered safe for more than 25 years but now it seems the populace are finding that after consuming products with aspartame in them, they seem to be prone to headaches, dizziiness, diarrhoea and tiredness.

The research is apparently going to take the form of using 50 human guinea pigs who are susceptible to side effects and feeding them with cereal bars.  Some of the bars will contain aspartame and others will be aspartame free.  The results should be available some time next year and, if there is reason to believe aspartame could be damaging to the health, then further research will be carried out.

Now this is where my witchcraft comes into force!  For years (without the aid of a crystal ball) I’ve foreseen that all this cutting back on fat, salt and sugar and opting for artificial versions is bad for the health.  People for centuries have been eating the natural versions and don’t seem to have come to too much harm.  Provided you have a good range of all the natural minerals and vitamins and have a reasonable amount of exercise you shouldn’t need all these artificial things and now it seems my premonition has borne fruit – even if it’s not a genetically mutated fruit. 

Come on Witch Finder General – seek me out and burn me at the stake if you will!!!!

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20. Alcoholic Inmates Anonymous, Hotel Heists and Odd Animals

I’ve recently been going through the UK’s daily papers and finding one or two weird news items and giving you links to them but I’m now finding myself in a position where I can’t keep up with the weird and wonderful so I’m trying a change of tack and just give you a brief rundown of what I found intriguing or amusing!

Here’s my top four for today.

Image by Jim Linwood via Flickr

I was checking out the Daily Telegraph and came across something particularly odd.  It seems that, in order to try and keep swine ‘flu at bay in H M Prison The Verne in Dorset, the governor sanctioned the purchase of a goodly supply of anti-bacterial hand gel.  As soon as it was distributed amongst the prisoners apparently one of the inmates decided it’d be a good idea to drink it rather than shove it on his hands.  I’m not sure how much the prisoner actually drank but he became a tad tiddly and started a fight.  Before anyone knew it, there was a full blown behind bars brawl.  Oddly enough, the staff at the prison took away what remained of the hand gel, presumably considering it would be easier to deal with a swine ‘flu epidemic than an alcohol poison one!

It just begs the question, who was the prisoner who actually tried the hand gel in the first place?  I’m just wondering what I’ve got under the kitchen sink that I could try?  How about a Mr Muscle Margarita for starters?

The second news item that interested me was again from the Daily Telegraph.  It gave details of some of the strangest items that had been taken from hotel rooms.  Amongst those that caught my eye were a marble fireplace; a whole room – the contents were completely stripped; a mounted boar’s head; a hotel owner’s dog; a grand piano and a selection of sex toys. 

Once again, my brain went into overdrive, particularly when it came to the sex toys.  I can’t  imagine even using sex toys provided by a hotel let alone stealing them – you don’t know where they’ve been!!

Image via Wikipedia

My next story which was reported in several papers, relates to a tortoise that was found walking along the M25 motorway (freeway).  Thankfully, for once, most of the drivers were obviously keeping their eyes on the road and the tortoise was rescued by a tortoise loving driver who, having taken a little detour to the supermarket to pick up some lettuce and tomatoes for the traumatised turtle and then took him for a check up at the local vet where it was discovered that he was chipped so hopefully owners and family pet will soon be reunited.

Quite what the tortoise was doing on the M25 I have no idea.  Maybe, like many travellers before him, he couldn’t find the right junction off the circular motorway to reach home or another alternative could be that he’d been visiting The Verne Prison and had a drop too much of anti-bacterial hand gel!!!

And finally, what would you expect a badger to eat?  I’d always considered they spent their evenings rummaging around the woodlands looking out grubs, insects, worms and the odd mouse or two but it seems it’s now been discovered that the latest badger delicacy is hedgehog.  How can a badger who normally eats small and relatively ’smooth’ food cope with the prickles?  What motivates a badger to even consider tackling a hedgehog.  Maybe their lives are so mundane that they decided they wanted more of a challenge.  It’s a mystery to me but I’m sure that some night wildlife watcher will come up with a bit of video footage to enlighten me!

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21. Alcoholic Inmates Anonymous, Hotel Heists and Odd Animals

I’ve recently been going through the UK’s daily papers and finding one or two weird news items and giving you links to them but I’m now finding myself in a position where I can’t keep up with the weird and wonderful so I’m trying a change of tack and just give you a brief rundown of what I found intriguing or amusing!

Here’s my top four for today.

Image by Jim Linwood via Flickr

I was checking out the Daily Telegraph and came across something particularly odd.  It seems that, in order to try and keep swine ‘flu at bay in H M Prison The Verne in Dorset, the governor sanctioned the purchase of a goodly supply of anti-bacterial hand gel.  As soon as it was distributed amongst the prisoners apparently one of the inmates decided it’d be a good idea to drink it rather than shove it on his hands.  I’m not sure how much the prisoner actually drank but he became a tad tiddly and started a fight.  Before anyone knew it, there was a full blown behind bars brawl.  Oddly enough, the staff at the prison took away what remained of the hand gel, presumably considering it would be easier to deal with a swine ‘flu epidemic than an alcohol poison one!

It just begs the question, who was the prisoner who actually tried the hand gel in the first place?  I’m just wondering what I’ve got under the kitchen sink that I could try?  How about a Mr Muscle Margarita for starters?

The second news item that interested me was again from the Daily Telegraph.  It gave details of some of the strangest items that had been taken from hotel rooms.  Amongst those that caught my eye were a marble fireplace; a whole room – the contents were completely stripped; a mounted boar’s head; a hotel owner’s dog; a grand piano and a selection of sex toys. 

Once again, my brain went into overdrive, particularly when it came to the sex toys.  I can’t  imagine even using sex toys provided by a hotel let alone stealing them – you don’t know where they’ve been!!

Image via Wikipedia

My next story which was reported in several papers, relates to a tortoise that was found walking along the M25 motorway (freeway).  Thankfully, for once, most of the drivers were obviously keeping their eyes on the road and the tortoise was rescued by a tortoise loving driver who, having taken a little detour to the supermarket to pick up some lettuce and tomatoes for the traumatised turtle and then took him for a check up at the local vet where it was discovered that he was chipped so hopefully owners and family pet will soon be reunited.

Quite what the tortoise was doing on the M25 I have no idea.  Maybe, like many travellers before him, he couldn’t find the right junction off the circular motorway to reach home or another alternative could be that he’d been visiting The Verne Prison and had a drop too much of anti-bacterial hand gel!!!

And finally, what would you expect a badger to eat?  I’d always considered they spent their evenings rummaging around the woodlands looking out grubs, insects, worms and the odd mouse or two but it seems it’s now been discovered that the latest badger delicacy is hedgehog.  How can a badger who normally eats small and relatively ’smooth’ food cope with the prickles?  What motivates a badger to even consider tackling a hedgehog.  Maybe their lives are so mundane that they decided they wanted more of a challenge.  It’s a mystery to me but I’m sure that some night wildlife watcher will come up with a bit of video footage to enlighten me!

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22. Biscuits Bite Back (AKA Cookie Casualties)

Image via Wikipedia

Like many British people (and I suspect many other people around the world), it’s a real treat to crunch on a biscuit when enjoying a cup of tea or coffee.  So you can imagine my surprise, when having my early Sunday morning imperfectly made cuppa (see http://purpleslinky.com/offbeat/the-complicated-cuppa-cup-that-cheers-or-mug-of-misery/) that I discovered I was amongst those idiots who have managed to suffer a minor injury at the hands of the humble hobnob.

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/125767/Crumbs-half-of-us-have-been-injured-by-biscuits

I regret to admit that I’m one of the 29% of adult Brits who have managed to splash themselves with hot tea when dunking my digestive.  For those of you who’ve never dunked or heard of dunking let me enlighten you.  Once you’ve made your tea (or coffee) (beverage) and taken the biscuit of your choice from the biscuit tin (dunkee), you then proceed to dip a bite size piece of the dunkee into the beverage while holding onto the remainder to use as a ‘handle’ .  Once the dunkee has been dunked for a couple of seconds you bring it to the surface of the beverage and then manouevre the dunkee together with beverage as close to your chin as you can before biting (or sucking) the dunkee.  The skill is in getting dunkee to lips before it drops back into the beverage.  More often than not the dunkee drops its load back into the beverage thereby splashing the dunker with hot beverage!

If you’re lucky enough to dodge the hot beverage if the dunkee drops, don’t believe for one minute that the danger ends there.  You then have the job of taking a teaspoon, delving to the bottom of the beverage and trawling the cup to retrieve the errant dunkee to prevent choking.  This is no mean feat as, more often than not, the dunkee slips back into the beverage like an eel through a fishing net, which again can cause the dunker injury from splashback!

Having overcome the hazards of dunking, I have also regularly fallen into the 28% of Brits who have choked on biscuit crumbs and at times I’ve fallen into the 7% of Brits who have dropped a biscuit tin on their foot and the 7% who’ve been nibbled by a pet while feeding it with a biscuit (obviously I’m so sweet they can’t tell the difference between a biscuit and me), but thankfully none of my injuries have required the services of the A&E Department of the local hospital.

So there you have it – the Great British Biscuit Bite Back!!  I’m now going to get my mid morning coffee and I’m just pondering on whether to risk having a Bourbon (the UK version of the Oreo) biscuit – could be a nice treat or could end up as ‘death by chocolate’!!!  If it turns out to be the latter then at least I will have died happy!

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23. Things My Ass Doesn’t Like

Image via Wikipedia

Padded toilet Seats

To paraphrase a line from the HBO series Weeds, it feels like I’m pooping on a mushroom. In my experience with these super cushiony cushions, it appears there is a rule: Once you reach retirement age, you are required to equip every toilet in your house with a padded toilet seat – and preferably make it the color of poop brown or powder blue.

Pre-Warmed Seats

But not just any warm seats. Chairs or couches that have been heated by the ass of some other person. It feels like a violation to my ass to be warmed by the heat of someone else’s ass. But I’m not completely self-centered on this issue. I feel slightly embarrassed having myself created a hot seat, knowing that someone else will soon sit there.

Cheap-ass Toilet Paper

Often popular with mother-in-laws. However, I suspect that if you take a look around you’ll see this particular low-end toilet paper is only in her guest bathrooms, not in the master suite. So “No thank you, Dollar Store”. I will not rub my ass raw with your product.

Slivers

It’s not good to get a sliver anywhere… but let’s face it. While you can get a sliver out of your own finger, getting a sliver out of your butt check requires some outside assistance. And if you don’t have a spouse or close family member near-by, that can be an odd one to work into conversation with a friend.

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24. No Need to Fear: The Swine Flu Toy is Here!

That’s right. The Swine Flu toy is for sale, and it’s a big hit! The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) have created this plush, pink toy to give your child hours of entertainment, available to buy now in their Atlanta gift shop! (who would have even thought the CDC had a gift shop?!)

This may be the perfect gift for children actually infected with Swine Flu and stuck in bed with nothing to do.

But if the toy based on the Swine Flu (aka H1N1 virus) isn’t what you’re looking for, than might I suggest the gonorrhea toy? How about the chlamydia toy? This is not a joke. These toys are for real!

Each toy comes with a tag that describes the illness, along with “fun facts” about it. Turns out people are buying these toys for various reasons. Some parents and doctors are getting these plush toys to help explain certain diseases to children, while some people are buying them because this is just about one of the funniest gag gifts there is!

And for you sophisticated types looking for something a little less childish, do not fret. There are disease-themed scarves and ties for sale, too. According to the CDC, the microbes of some very deadly diseases can make a very “stylish pattern” (Ooh! I know what will be on my Christmas wish-list this year!)

All images from giantmicrobes.com

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25. Augmented Reality

Have you ever heard of Augmented Reality?  If not, Augmented Reality is a computer based software that uses 3-D tracking.   To simplfy that even more, by using a sheet of paper with a desired icon, the camera can spot the icon, and replace it with a 3-D computer made icon.  Some people even animate the icon, so that when you move the paper to it’s side, the icon will respond with some sort of action.

You may still be confused about what Augmented Reality is, so I will continue to explain what it is through out this article.  Currently, there is a museum that uses Augmented Reality to show everything.  Augmented Reality is currently being geared towards kids, so throughout the tour, kids can put on the special glasses and see the books come to life.  How?  Just like the computer, the glasses spot the icon, and then replay what is in it’s memory.  Say for instance a child is reading a fairy tale, once they turn the page, that page’s story begins to play out before the child. 

If you do a search on the internet and type in ‘Augmented Reality’ you can find many downloads where you can try it out.  Many car dealerships have started using Augmented Reality as a marketing tool.  They definetly got me hooked.  If you are into 3-D modeling and animation, you can download the free trial of Augmented Reality to test it out. 

Over all, Augmented Reality will be part of your future.  This is not something you will want to miss out on.  Check it out today!

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