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JULIE
"D'ya mind if I share this bench with you? If it's a problem I can sit at one end and you can sit at the other. We don't have to talk to each other. Some people are weird about speaking to strangers but not me. Uh-uh! I enjoy the give and taking of sharing ideas with new people. Are you a people-person?"A while back, maybe ten years or so, came across a site that was calling for submissions to a video competition. Having recently completed a new short play, it seemed like a perfect vehicle for the competition in spite of being written in playwriting form. After a short communication with the producer/director, he told me to send it along anyway and he'd give it a look over. The long and the short of it as they say is that even though it wasn't the winner, it achieved a second honorable place, plus it had the distinction of being converted into a short film script.
The plot always intrigued me and over time and frequent read-throughs, it always struck me that there was more to the story then was told. I'm a big believer in timing and what was deemed a finished play can suddenly take on new possibilities when viewed in a new light. Such is the case with "For the Birds."
A comedy/drama, the story focuses on the accidental meeting of two lonely souls whose encounter in a park turns out to be an eye-opener, in more ways than one. At present, the two main characters are getting to know each other with overtures of friendship being more one-sided. How and why this "shorty" play has suddenly taken on a new life is a mystery but as mentioned, timing is everything in life.
By: scriberess,
on 12/7/2015
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A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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ZOO DIARY
SCENE: A small zoo. Preparing for the holiday performance. At rise: The residents of the zoo are practicing for the annual holiday performance. It's the last dress rehearsal before the actual production and chaos reigns supreme.
ZEBRAHello? Everyone? May I have your attention, please? There is far too much cacophony among the performers. I can't hear myself think! Not you my dear...you embody the true thespian soul
CROW 1(laughing while watching from a tree)Uh-oh...zebra says there's too much
caca-phony around here. The elephants have been using the toilets, again
CROW 2(laughing hysterically)Oh Cyril - you're so witty!
ZEBRAYou mean, witless. Now where were we? Oh yes...we were discussing your acting abilities, my dear.
FEMALE ZEBRAYou think I have talent? My acting coach has offered to give me private lessons
ZEBRAWould your coach anyone I would know? Perhaps we could work together to maximize your performance
FEMALE ZEBRAThat's a very kind offer but 'CH' swore me to secrecy. He doesn't want the whole world calling him and begging for private tutoring> He's a very private person
ZEBRATotally understandable, my dear. Know exactly where he's coming from. I too separate myself from the lesser...well...talent-challenged among us
(ZEBRA admires his frame from all angles, in a full-length mirror)
(
cont'd. ZEBRA) 'Perfection!' (
whispering) You can share the name of your acting coach with me. There is a professional code of silence among zebra directors that is adhered to. You said his initials were CH? Hmmmm....not familiar with any coaches with those initials...
FEMALE ZEBRAHe calls himself cheetah
(ZEBRA reacts with horror)
ZEBRACheetah...you did say
cheetah? Does this cheetah...would this coach live, perchance, in a cage in this very zoo?
FEMALE ZEBRAHe would! How did you know? He said that his style of coaching requires getting down to the bare bones of acting
ZEBRA(
horrified)
My dear, naïve, zebra! Forget about - um - coach cheetah. I, myself, shall take you on as a client, gratis, and as a cost to myself (aside to himself)
...wait 'til I get my hands on cheetah...' What am I saying? Let's just say, my dear, that his reputation and taste for zebras is well developed. Why don't you go over there in the corner and study your lines
FEMALE ZEBRAIf you say so. "I think I hear Santa!....I think I hear Santa....I think I hear Santa...'
ZEBRAOkay...actors - places please! Mr. Squeeze - please tear yourself away from rat? We don't want a repeat performance of last year's incident
MR. SQUEEZEI was just trying to show him some love
RAT(
gasping for breath)
Surrre! Remember the squirrel incident? We lost our Santa Claus on account of you
MR. SQUEEZEWe're good friends! Right rat? Who ever heard of a squirrel playing Santa Claus, anyway?
ZEBRA(admiring himself in the mirror and fixing his cravat)
'You handsome devil! Your stripes don't do you justice. 'kiss-kiss....' For the record and given our budget, which is half of last year's, which was next to nothing, he was the only one who could fit into the Santa suit. Who will play the old elf this year?
(a chicken jumps down from the branch of a tree)
CHICKENI would like to volunteer my services for the cause
MR. SQUEEZE(
slithering up close to chicken)
Great idea! And my contribution will be to offer my help We can go over your lines in my den
ZEBRANot! Thank you for your...offer but I'm sure chicken can remember "ho-ho-ho..." Now if you will put on the suit, we can start our rehearsal
CHICKENIt's a little tight...jacket won't...fit...over my...breast bone...
CHEETAHPerhaps I can fix that problem ...
MR. SQUEEZE...my particular qualities can definitely fix that...
(both cheetah and MR. SQUEEZE inch closer to the chicken)
ZEBRAStop where you are, both of you! We will make do with what we have. Please put on the red hat and black shiny boots and get on the sled. The children are arriving
CHICKEN(
smoothing his feathers and pulling the jacket over his breast)I'm very nervous.. This is my first acting job
CHEETAHDon't worry my friend. I'll be watching close by...in case you forget your lines, of course
ZEBRAPlaces people! Mr. Squeeze - you're not in the first scene
MR. SQUEEZEJust helping chicken get over his nerves. Everyone needs a hug
NEXT TIME: THE SHOW MUST GO ON...MAYBEOpen the curtains and let the play begin!
By: scriberess,
on 4/13/2015
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SCENE: DEN IN THE EVERYBODY HOUSEHOLD.
AT RISE: MRS. EVERYBODY IS HAVING AN IMPORTANT CHAT WHILE MR. EVERYBODY IS READING A NEWSPAPER
MRS. EVERYBODY
Why? Why must you torture me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this treatment other than heap undying love and devotion to your upkeep?
(MR. EVERYBODY glances up and returns to reading his book)
MRS. EVERYBODY
You seem to be dying slowly right in front of my eyes and I'm at a loss how to save you
MR. EVERYBODY
(looking around)
You talking to me?
MRS. EVERYBODY
Fed you top of the line nutritional supplements and this is the thanks I get
MR. EVERYBODY
I appreciate your cooking, honey. You make fantastic meals and really, I'm in great shape
MRS. EVERYBODY
You are not aging well, sweetheart
MR. EVERYBODY
(gets up to examine himself in the mirror on the wall behind him)
For the record, I'm in better condition now than I was when we married. Sure there's a few extra inches on my stomach but that's due to your good cooking. Work out on the tread mill...
MRS. EVERYBODY
I fear it's time for us to part, sweetheart. You are halfway between this world and the next
MR. EVERYBODY
Say what? Is it something I said?
MRS. EVERYBODY
You've given me a lot of pleasure over the years. Your nightly performance kept me riveted and it's something I will cherish all my life
MR. EVERYBODY
Hey! There's still a lot of life left in this body! Is there somebody else? I can change, y'know!
(MRS. EVERYBODY turns around and stares at her husband)
MRS. EVERYBODY
It's just so hard to say goodbye! Did you say something?
MR. EVERYBODY
You never said a word. I deserve to know who's the new love of your life!
MRS. EVERYBODY
Say what? What are you babbling about?
MR. EVERYBODY
You're leaving me!
MRS. EVERYBODY
Are you insane? You thought that... That is really funny
MRS. EVERYBODY
There is nothing funny about being informed that your wife is leaving your for someone else. It's always the husband that is the last to know
MRS. EVERYBODY
Husband of mine - I was talking to my prayer plant here that is slowly croaking after 40 years and I'm about to replace her with a new one
MR. EVERYBODY
How was I supposed to know? There was only you and me in the room and I never guessed you were talking to a...a... house plant
MRS. EVERYBODY
I've raised this houseplant from a small little stalk. Fed her...coddled her...and she gave me years of pleasure but lately she seems to have taken a turn for the worst. The writing is on the wall...or in this case, in all those brown leaves.
MR. EVERYBODY
A plant is a plant is a plant. Don't know what the big thing is. Just empty the pot and replace it with a new one. Simple
MRS. EVERYBODY
How could you be so cruel and callous! You just can't...discard it like it that!
MR. EVERYBODY
I dunno. Never bothers you to do that with your clothes
MRS. EVERYBODY
Besides, I read an article that said plants can sense pain and they react to it. How could I betray my friend after all the years we've been together? I feel like a killer! I feel like I'd be ripping out her guts and tearing her apart
MR. EVERYBODY
Not that I pretend to feel what you feel but check this out
(MR. EVERYBODY shows her a page of the newspaper)
MRS. EVERYBODY
What's this? The Plant-a-atrium is having a sale on houseplants?
(turns to look at plant and at newspaper ad)
(MRS. EVERYBODY cont'd.) 'Parting is such sweet sorrow my formerly green friend. Go meet your other friends in the composter! Do not think badly of me for I shall remember you with great fondness.' I'm ready.
MR. EVERYBODY
Ready for...?
MRS. EVERYBODY
To make new friends at the Plant-a-atrium, silly! We all gotta go some time. I mean, it's just a silly plant for heaven's sake...
By: scriberess,
on 6/25/2014
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A year-long celebration to commemorate Elvis Presley's first professional recording on July 5, 1954, is set to take place on Independence Day weekend in Memphis and Graceland. There are people who believe that "the King" is still alive and that he planned his disappearance. So let's say that this was the case and that a very old Elvis is living in anonymity, somewhere, but makes rare appearances at nondescript venues like gas station diners to relive the good, old days.
Elvis – The Real Story
By Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of LenLEN 40-something husband of Tammy"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
THE TIMEThe present THE PLACE
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play none-stop. There are a few tables with chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station products and displays of motor oil, etc. AT RISE:
TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room
LEN
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY
(reading book)
The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a difference
LEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
TAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere
LEN
You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!
TAMMY
You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!
LEN
More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?
TAMMY
That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful
LEN
Are you saying that this…this gas station and three table diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!
TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners
LEN
If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
TAMMY
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…
LEN
…obviously not long enough…
TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
LEN
…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
TAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming so try to act normal, if that’s possible
the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a
typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands,
frequently
WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll choose
LEN
So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' t-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likely
TAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…
the waiter comes over to take the order
LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?
WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…
TAMMY
Just choose something already
WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…
LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed
in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the
counter holding a hand mic.)
VOICE OVER
“For your entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
A very over-weight man dressed in a white jump suit enters, stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black aviator glasses cover his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head
(VOICE-OVER)
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket
ELVIS
(in weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on
the back
ELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting
clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck
DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know y'all gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
ELVIS
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…at least I think it's a favorite...what's the name of the song now...nobody help me - it'll come back ...
Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this…
Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take
his arms
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing Home
ELVIS
But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!
MALE 1
(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.
ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!
MALE 1
Here you are…
the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the
couple
ELVIS
Thank you all very much!
Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is over 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor guy. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces
WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a free tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together
LEN
A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building”
LEN
(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)
Hang on a minute. I can stick these pieces together… Help me Tammy – at the price of gas these days…
©Eleanor Tylbor, 2009
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: BEDROOM. 2 a.m. THE PHONE RINGS
FEMALE (ANGIE)
(groggy)
Hel-hello?
VOICE (NOAH)
Angie – it’s me
ANGIE
You…who?
NOAH
Don’t you recognize my voice?
ANGIE
It’s two in the morning and I’m not into guessing games
NOAH
(coughing and clearing his throat)
Think! Hasn’t been that long. Last year? Water? Two by two?
ANGIE
You’re one of those perverts, aren’t you? I’m hanging up…
NOAH
No! Please! If it’s my heavy breathing, I’ve got a cold. All this rain… Does that mean anything to you?
ANGIE
You’re a sick man. Get help!
(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)
(cont’d. ANGIE) Hello?
NOAH
(coughing and sneezing. Sound of elephant and monkeys in background)
It’s me again. I need your help. ‘Quiet guys! I’m trying to talk here!’
ANGIE
You wanna believe you do, but I’m not listening to what you wanna say! Are you aware that it’s illegal to keep wild animals?
NOAH
I got the word from someone high – really high up - to do this. As I was saying – I need your help
ANGIE
You’re a drug pusher, too! You sick-o. I’m hanging up now…
(sound of elephants)
NOAH
‘Didn’t I say to cool it?’ Oh just great. ‘Thanks for fertilizing the floor, guys!’ Took me two days to clean up their last mess. That’s what I get for forgetting to put diapers on them. So as I was saying before I was interrupted, I need your help
ANGIE
And as I told you, I’m ending this phone call
(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)
NOAH
Time is of the essence here. I’m sure you’ve noticed all this rain we’ve been having. There’s a reason for it. Does this mean anything to you at all? Rain? Animals?
ANGIE
Hang on a minute…are you…
NOAH
Noah’s the name and rain is my game
(NOAH sneezes and coughs)
Allergy to lion hair. Is it coming back to you now? Remember last year when it rained like this and we worked together loading the ark?
ANGIE
How could I forget the boa constrictors. Nearly choked me
NOAH
Aw – they’re big jokers. They were just being friendly-like. They do that to all newcomers.
ANGIE
Just how many newcomers have there been and what happened to them?
NOAH
They weren’t the right type for the voyage, anyway. Getting back to this phone call. Seems there’s talk of another big flood. We gotta get prepared
ANGIE
That’s what you told me last time and nothing became of it
NOAH
But didn’t you meet a male like I promised you?
ANGIE
Like I said, nothing became of it
NOAH
You can lead a man to the water but you can’t make him come aboard, if you get my drift. Oh my – I made a joke…
ANGIE
Very humorous. Look – I’ve got a good job now…let me think on it.
NOAH
How long do you need? An hour?
ANGIE
Gimme a break! A day or two at least! This isn’t an easy decision
NOAH
You think I have nothing better to do? Come to think of it, actually I don’t
ANGIE
I’d have to give up a lot
NOAH
More than you know if you let this opportunity go by
ANGIE
How do I get in touch with you?
NOAH
I’ll get back to you. (sound of fighting in the background) Gotta go. The zebras are in the middle of two fueding lions and we know how that’s gonna turn out. Think about it.
TO BE CONTINUED
The "Old Soldiers" keeps marching along, slowly but surely.
"Old Soldiers" status update for those who have been keeping up with the continuing saga of a writer attempting to finish her short play.
Added some more dialogue/content to the play, yesterday. Read the play through in its entirety and it definitely held my interest. As expected, there were some necessary small - accent on the small - adjustments to be made. Still not sure if the play is adaptable for radio, though. That decision will be made once the play is completed.
The play is taking on a life of its own and the latest revision is leading me in a different direction. I've already changed the ending a few times in my mind and the latest update is giving me food for thought and something to chew on (sorry about the puns). I'm at the point where Joe (main character) has had a fateful meeting with two new characters, who could change his mind-set about his self-appointed task. One of the new characters is a young boy and I want to use him as a positive influence.
Meanwhile, I'm sort-of using his army buddies as a comic foil tagging along for the ride unbeknownst to Joe. Given their friendship and shared past, it seems only logical that they would be part of the conclusion.
Thing is...the writing comes in spurts as my muse dictates. Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't but when it does as I've frequently shared, it's magic!
By: scriberess,
on 11/4/2011
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette
THE COFFEE DILEMMA
SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON
HE
Whad’ya taking? The usual?
SHE
(examining menu choices)
Not sure...
HE
You always end up taking number five
SHE
Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change
HE
I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?
SHE
What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...
HE
It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’
COUNTER PERSON
The full meal?
HE
Yup.
COUNTER PERSON
(keying in order)
Soft drink with that?
HE
Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?
SHE
O-kay...I’ll take...
HE
...let me guess. Number 5
SHE
So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart
HE
Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?
SHE
A few fries now and then don’t hurt.
HE
Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...
SHE
...and a coffee
SERVER
(stunned look on her face)
So you want a soft drink AND coffee?
SHE
No. Just a coffee please
SERVER
That won’t work.
SHE
Why not?
SERVER
The full meal comes with a soft drink.
HE
Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?
SERVER
Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works
SHE
What? Never heard of that!
SERVER
I’ll have to order each item, separately
HE
That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more
SHE
I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know
SERVER
You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay
SHE
What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float
HE
Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.
SHE
No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod
SERVER
But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink
SHE
What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.
(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)
HE
Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment
SERVER
(very unnerved)
I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...
(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)
Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.
SHE
Oh goodie!
(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)
HE
You’ve over-charged us by a dollar
COUNTER PERSON
Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...
SHE
Coffee...
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE
THE LIPSTICK LADY
SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)
What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!
(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart
OHSF
You should have moved
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first
OHSF
I need room
WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(
giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do
OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually
OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends
OHSF
Depends on what?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize
OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person
WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?
OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My carriage accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession
OHSF
Take it or leave it
WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in
OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...
(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell
(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)(cont’d). Crappy scent!
WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!
OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!
OHSF
So?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore
OHSF
And if I did? Anyway, I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?
OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it
OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me
By: scriberess,
on 5/17/2011
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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ARKS TO GO: THE FLOOD SEQUEL - FURTHER THOUGHTS
Been reading over the Arks to Go short sketch/playette posted yesterday and the more I read, the more I'm thinking this has the potential to at the very minimum, to be a one-act play. Perhaps even - dare I think it - something for the BBC International Playwriting Competition, next year. Most likely it will have comic elements because that's my style but there is room for a lot of serious commentary about the state of our planet.
Right now the sketch stops at the point where the woman, upon hearing that there will be a male specie along with the animals aboard the ark, wants to pursue the concept. After all - no competition for his attention. Re-writing it as a one-act would require more dialogue between the woman who needs a name, Noah, the male, and a selection of characters they meet along the way to acquiring animals for the ark.
Points to ponder:
- how will the male be selected?
Might be interesting for woman to place an ad in the local paper specifying mate for ark voyage.
- how will she acquire animals to accompany her on voyage?
Approach local zoos or travel to continents where wild animals are known to live? Zoos? Perhaps travel from continent-to-continent on the ark, and encounter resistance from various governments who see the ark as a threat
- should the male be easy-going slob-type or up-tight designer-dude who worships money?
-how will she handle the animals i.e. cleaning up animal poop...food...water...squabbles between various species?
- also considering having Noah be the other male accompanying her
- how will people react to the ark and its residents? How will her family react to the idea?
Lots of potential ideas - we'll see where they go.
I'm open for feedback and further ideas on how this story should progress. Feel free to comment.
SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAYETTE: THE COFFEE CUP
SCENE: WELL-KNOWN COFFEE SHOP/CHAIN. MAN RETURNS WITH TWO MUGS, ONE FILLED WITH COFFEE AND THE OTHER WITH BOILED WATER FOR TEA
MAN
(placing mug on table)
Here's your boiled water
(woman peers into cup and stares for 5 seconds)
MAN
Aren't you going to drop in your teabag? The water's gonna get cold and you know how you are about the water being boiling hot
WOMAN
I have a problem
MAN
What now? Is the water not hot enough?
WOMAN
The water is dirty
MAN
You're kidding!
WOMAN
No - really! Look inside. There are black thingies floating around
(man lifts mug and peers inside)
WOMAN
...and the rim of the mug is dirty. Who do they use to wash their dishes? A cat's tongue?
MAN
You're right - there are thingies floating around. You go bring it to their attention. It's your water
(there is a small line-up of people waiting to be served. Woman waits at end of line holding mug of water. Woman in front turns around looks at mug and then at woman)
WOMAN
Dirty water
CUSTOMER
Oh...too bad...
WOMAN
Look - thingies floating inside
CUSTOMER
(peering into mug)
Yup - I see them, too. Look - why don't you move in front of me. You should be first since you were already served
WOMAN
Thank you. It's just so...blechy to get a dirty mug.
CUSTOMER
Why don't you ask them for a paper cup?
WOMAN
That's okay for coffee but for tea, one must have a china mug
CUSTOMER
It's your turn now...
WOMAN
(to person serving coffee)
The water has thingies floating in it and the mug is dirty. Check it for yourself.
CUSTOMER
She's right. Check it out! Really - you guys should wash your cups better
(SERVER TAKES MUG FROM WOMAN, LOOKS INSIDE, THROWS HER A DIRTY LOOK, EMPTIES WATER AND RE-FILLS MUG. WOMAN TAKES IT FROM SERVER AND CHECKS WATER AND MUG)
WOMAN
This looks okay
SERVER
Dishwasher is broken
WOMAN
Then don't use real china mugs! I mean, really... If you had told me in advance, I would have settled for coffee today and used paper.
SERVER
Of course. You're right. I should have known better... If your water is clear now, there are a lot of people waiting to be served
WOMAN
(turning to people in line)
'Their dishwasher is broken! Stick to paper cups!'
WOMAN
(aside to server)
Have a great day. Tea in paper cups - what next...
By: scriberess,
on 1/28/2011
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAYETTE: "LOTTERY TICKET"
SCENE: CUSTOMER ENTERS SMALL CONVENIENCE STORE
CUSTOMER
(looking around at shelves)
Hmmmm...
(CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER LOOKS UP FROM READING HIS NEWSPAPER FOR A SPLIT SECOND AND CONTINUES READING)
CUSTOMER
Uh-huh....hmmmmmm...
STORE OWNER
Can I help?
CUSTOMER
I'm not sure...I don't see what I'm looking for
STORE OWNER
What is it that you're looking for?
CUSTOMER
Potato chips
STORE OWNER
(glancing over to the chip display)
We have lots of chips - good flavors, too!
CUSTOMER
Yes but...
STORE OWNER
...but?
CUSTOMER
You don't appear to have my flavor
STORE OWNER
And your flavor would be...?
CUSTOMER
Dill pickle with chives
STORE OWNER
Are you sure? We have a good variety...
CUSTOMER
- but no dill pickle with chives, though
STORE OWNER
You're the first person who has ever asked for that flavor
CUSTOMER
But maybe not the last! You should check into it
STORE OWNER
Perhaps...maybe try another flavor this time?
CUSTOMER
Neh! Gotta be -
STORE OWNER
- I know - dill pickle and chives. What about smoky bacon? That's popular with everyone
CUSTOMER
Neh...
STORE OWNER
Okay...I'll check into it for you
CUSTOMER
(approaching counter)
I'd like a lottery ticket
STORE OWNER
That I have. Which one?
CUSTOMER
The one that has a $50 million dollar jackpot
STORE OWNER
Uh-huh - everyone is buying them like crazy, today
CUSTOMER
Why should I be different? Now the big question is should I allow the computer to choose the numbers or should I pick them...
STORE OWNER
Why not buy two - let the computer choose one set of numbers and you choose the other
CUSTOMER
I suppose I could do that... Actually and between you and me - I don't trust the computer. I think they fix it so that certain areas have winners
STORE OWNER
Well this store ain't one of them!
CUSTOMER
(anxious)
You mean...you've never had a winner, here?
STORE OWNER
(quick to respond)
Of course we have. Not a major winner but winners - lots and lots of winners
CUSTOMER
Good. Then give me five
STORE OWNER
You trusting the computer?
CUSTOMER
Yup. Too lazy to fill in the numbers besides they've never come in.
STORE OWNER
But they could one day and you... I mean, of course, that's a good idea
(he presses the computer buttons and pulls out the strip of paper with numbers)
Good luck, lady! If you win - I win, too!
CUSTOMER
Don't hold your breath...there goes another ten buckeroonies. By the way, don't forget to ask about the dill pickle and chives
STORE OWNER
Of course. You never know who will want this flavor that I never heard of
CUSTOMER
Live and learn, I always say
(customer exits)
SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAY-ETTE: "HAIRDRESSER"
SCENE: HAIRDRESSER SALON. IT'S A UNI-SEX SALON SERVING BOTH FEMALE AND MALES. A FEMALE CLIENT IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR AS A STYLIST BLOWS HER HAIR DRY. THE STAFF IS OF GREEK HERITAGE
CLIENT
Hi there! Know I'm early.
HAIRDRESSER
Hi sweetie. Be with you soon.
CLIENT
D'ya want me to waste time until you take me? I can wander around the pharmacy next door. Need a few things anyway...how long should I take? Five minutes?
HAIRDRESSER
Make it 10 - no 20...
CLIENT
Sure. Can't stay there longer, though. Last time I was getting some wierd looks like I was a prospective shop lifter.
(female client returns 10 minutes later)
HAIRDRESSER
Another five minutes, okay sweetie?
CLIENT
Fine. Quiet today, huh?
PETER (MALE STYLIST)
Been quiet all week
CLIENT
People aren't making appointments for the holidays?
PETER
(glumly)
Very quiet...
HAIRDRESSER
Okay sweetie. Come sit in the chair. I'm ready for you, now.
CLIENT
Same color like always
HAIRDRESSER
Eyebrows too?
CLIENT
Yup
HAIRDRESSER
I don't know why you want to dye them. There's hardly anything there.
CLIENT
(chuckling)
Geez - thanks. You sure know how to make a customer feel good!
HAIRDRESSER
I meant, of course, that you hardly have any grey in your eyebrows
CLIENT
True...but sometimes a few sneak through
HAIRDRESSER
You could just pluck them
CLIENT
Much easier to color them and besides, I end up taking off chunks of skin with the hairs. Nothing like walking around with red scabs on your eyebrows
(CLIENT is sitting in chair, reading magazine with hair covered in dye)
HAIRDRESSER
Haven't had a full cigarette all day
CUSTOMER
Healthier for you. Progress - the magazines are up to the year 2009 now.
HAIRDRESSER
I'll be back. Need some nicotine in my blood
(Hairdresser leaves salon to smoke. Stella, another hairdresser, sits in chair next to customer. Other hairdresser returns from her nicotine break and cuts the hair of a male customer)
STELLA
Did you notice how thin blank-blank (name of hairdresser) is?
CLIENT
She's lost a lot of weight... 'Hey blank-blank (HD) - how come you lost so much weight?'
HAIRDRESSER
I dunno. Nerves I guess - and hard work. Been busy and sometimes I skip meals
CLIENT
Not a healthy practice. Wow - I never saw you so skinny. Sure you're okay? I mean, no health problems?
STELLA
She's too thin! She should gain some weight!
HAIRDRESSER
I eat healthy, that's why I'm slim - not skinny! Don't eat junk food
STELLA
(who is on the plump side)
Me neither - and look at me! It's just not fair! I watch what I eat and even work out 5 days at the gym and still I don't lose a pound! Some people are soooo lucky!
CLIENT
Why don't you try writing down everything you eat for a day or two? Maybe you don't even realize. You have to watch portion size
STELLA
I do, I do! Look at me! It's just so unfair! Blah-blah on the other hand is too skinny, don'chu think? She doesn't have a bum anymore or boobs
HAIRDRESSER
Are you two talking about me?
CLIENT
We're discussing your weight loss, girl!
STELLA
You gotta gain weight! Really!
CLIENT
Where is Stavros (salon owner)?
STELLA
He went to Ikea to buy a stand so we can make real coffee. Send a man to get something and he takes hours to make a choice. Who knows what he'll come back with
CLIENT
(looking around)
I don't see a coffee maker, here. Since when did you get one?
STELLA
He's hidin
GIMME SPACE
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR
SCENE: A PHARMACY OR ANYWHERE, ACTUALLY. THREE PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO PAY FOR ITEMS AT THE CASH.
CUSTOMER 1
(placing item on counter along with umbrella)
Just going to put this down here... Ooops - didn't mean to crowd anyone
CUSTOMER 2
(directly behind)
No problem. I'll just move my items back a bit to give you some more room
CUSTOMER 1
Don't worry about it. It's only a jar of jam.
CUSTOMER 2
Is it good. I mean, have you had some before?
CUSTOMER 1
Nope. First time. It was on special at nine-nine cents. Mind you, it's only good for 10 more days...
CUSTOMER 2
Do you eat a lot of jam?
CUSTOMER 1
Depends on the day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Depends how jammy I'm feeling.
CUSTOMER 3
(in front of line)
I'm here!
CUSTOMER 1
Sorry?
CUSTOMER 3
I'm here, too.
CUSTOMER 1
I see
CUSTOMER 3
I need room for my things
CUSTOMER 1
O-kay...
CUSTOMER 3
Could you give me some room for my things, please?
CUSTOMER 1 looks at her for a few seconds, down at her items and moves the umbrella and jam away from CUSTOMER 3
CUSTOMER 3
Your umbrella is wet and it's touching my toilet paper!
CUSTOMER 1
That would be as a result of the pouring rain outside
CUSTOMER 3
You're making the counter wet
CUSTOMER 1
O-kay...sorry but the cashier is doing your items and you'll be outta here, soon
CUSTOMER 3
Still, your umbrella takes up a lot of space
CUSTOMER 1
I already removed it off the counter and moved back my jam so it won't touch your items
CUSTOMER 3
But you made the counter all wet
CUSTOMER 1
(putting hand in purse, produces Kleenex and wipes counter)
There! Allll gone!
CUSTOMER 3 grabs bag
CUSTOMER 3
There should be a sign posted telling people they can't put wet umbrellas on the counter!
CUSTOMER 3 storms out of store
CUSTOMER 1
Some people just gotta have their space!
(turns to CUSTOMER 2)
Oh gee - am I dripping water on your feet? I'm so sorry...here let me wipe them...
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