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As Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say, "it's always something."
Sometimes you write a play and although it seems like it has good-bordering-on-great possibilities, it languishes in the maybe-some-day file. The play at issue, "The Lemon", focuses on the trials and tribulations of a woman attempting to get help to remove her car, a "lemon" stalled in a busy intersection blocking traffic.
A 15-minute comedy play-ette as I like to call my short but sweet stories, it has been tinkered with over the years including modifications to strengthen the flow of dialogue. The saga involves the use of a public pay phone and therein lies the problem.
In order to make my plays relevant, frequent updates are done, however - as frequently mentioned in my blogs, it's always the 'howevers' that get you in the end - this is a situation requiring a reappraisal of its viability.
Public pay phones are becoming a rarity and according to Wikipedia, "since 2007, the number of payphones in the United States in operation has declined by 48%. In July 2009, AT&T officially stopped supporting the Public Payphone service. Over 139,000 locations were sold in 2009."
In this play-ette, the main character (Penny) is attempting to convince the user of the pay phone to allow her to arrange for her "lemon" to be towed to a garage since her cell phone is dead. Here's what I mean:
PENNY
I don't believe this! How many more things can go wrong, today?
SOUND: car horns. PENNY looks off into the distance and makes an obscene gesture with hand
(cont'd. PENNY) 'Blow it out your nose, idiots! You'll get more out of that!' I don't believe it. Get a new cell phone and forget to charge it.
(aside to female in phone booth)
PENNY (owner of car/lemon)
'Scuse me - are you gonna be much longer?
FEMALE PHONE USER (FPU)Do you mind? I'm almost finished. Why don't you use your cell phone?
PENNYDuhhh! Don't you think I would if I could? Humor me for thirty seconds and perhaps you'll understand my dilemma. Over there in the middle of the intersection - see that car?
FPUYou mean the orange-colored wreck? You actually own that? I'd keep it to myself if I was you.
PENNYI bought the rusting chunk of junk a week ago and it died on me, today. There's a sucker born every minute the dealer saw a big red "S" right here on my forehead. Desperation causes one to make questionable decisions
FPUOkay. I looked at your car. Now can I finish my conversation? The more you interrupt, the longer it'll take
(FPU turns away - PENNY taps her on the back)PENNYPerhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not a violent person by nature - not at all - but you're
pushing my buttons. Wait - I made a joke...get it? Public phone booth...push the buttons... In my personal angst, I still manage to find humor. I'm a survivor alright.
Gotta take things in my own hands...
(PENNY reaches over, disconnects and grabs the phone)FPUHow dare you! You...you...crazy woman. Get away from me!
PENNYHow dare
I? How dare I, you ask? How many times did I tell you that I had to make a desperate phone call but did you listen? Nooooooo!
Your phone conversation took precedent over my needs, so I took things into my own hands in the true sense of the word. If you don't mind and even if you do, my phone call needs privacy so block your ears and turn away. Better still, go away
FPUExcuse me? After the way you interrupted my conversation. I think not
PENNY(rummaging through handbag)Let's see here...where's my phone directory...course there's one on my cell if it was working... The handbag is so big, everything gets lost inside. Aha! So this is where my salami sandwich went. Phew! Would you mind tossing it into the trash over there?
FPUI think not. Why don't you go throw it in, yourself. It's a mere few feet away
PENNYSurrrre - uh-huh... You think I'm an idiot?
FPUThe thought did cross my mind in addition to you being insane.
PENNYI take one step away from here and you jump in and take control over the phone, again. I think not! I'll just put it back in my handbag and toss it when you're gone
FPUThat is truly disgusting. You're gonna contaminate the phone
PENNYSo then you better not use it. Let's see here - where's the number of my dealership. I should'a filed it under 'losers'. Here it is...
And so their repartee continues, the two attempting to gain and retain control over the phone. The issue is if the play is still relevant and/or if it can be updated and relevant for today's society. Still, when it's all done and written, I do like this short play... As mentioned at the beginning, it's always something.
By: scriberess,
on 4/13/2015
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A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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SCENE: DEN IN THE EVERYBODY HOUSEHOLD.
AT RISE: MRS. EVERYBODY IS HAVING AN IMPORTANT CHAT WHILE MR. EVERYBODY IS READING A NEWSPAPER
MRS. EVERYBODY
Why? Why must you torture me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this treatment other than heap undying love and devotion to your upkeep?
(MR. EVERYBODY glances up and returns to reading his book)
MRS. EVERYBODY
You seem to be dying slowly right in front of my eyes and I'm at a loss how to save you
MR. EVERYBODY
(looking around)
You talking to me?
MRS. EVERYBODY
Fed you top of the line nutritional supplements and this is the thanks I get
MR. EVERYBODY
I appreciate your cooking, honey. You make fantastic meals and really, I'm in great shape
MRS. EVERYBODY
You are not aging well, sweetheart
MR. EVERYBODY
(gets up to examine himself in the mirror on the wall behind him)
For the record, I'm in better condition now than I was when we married. Sure there's a few extra inches on my stomach but that's due to your good cooking. Work out on the tread mill...
MRS. EVERYBODY
I fear it's time for us to part, sweetheart. You are halfway between this world and the next
MR. EVERYBODY
Say what? Is it something I said?
MRS. EVERYBODY
You've given me a lot of pleasure over the years. Your nightly performance kept me riveted and it's something I will cherish all my life
MR. EVERYBODY
Hey! There's still a lot of life left in this body! Is there somebody else? I can change, y'know!
(MRS. EVERYBODY turns around and stares at her husband)
MRS. EVERYBODY
It's just so hard to say goodbye! Did you say something?
MR. EVERYBODY
You never said a word. I deserve to know who's the new love of your life!
MRS. EVERYBODY
Say what? What are you babbling about?
MR. EVERYBODY
You're leaving me!
MRS. EVERYBODY
Are you insane? You thought that... That is really funny
MRS. EVERYBODY
There is nothing funny about being informed that your wife is leaving your for someone else. It's always the husband that is the last to know
MRS. EVERYBODY
Husband of mine - I was talking to my prayer plant here that is slowly croaking after 40 years and I'm about to replace her with a new one
MR. EVERYBODY
How was I supposed to know? There was only you and me in the room and I never guessed you were talking to a...a... house plant
MRS. EVERYBODY
I've raised this houseplant from a small little stalk. Fed her...coddled her...and she gave me years of pleasure but lately she seems to have taken a turn for the worst. The writing is on the wall...or in this case, in all those brown leaves.
MR. EVERYBODY
A plant is a plant is a plant. Don't know what the big thing is. Just empty the pot and replace it with a new one. Simple
MRS. EVERYBODY
How could you be so cruel and callous! You just can't...discard it like it that!
MR. EVERYBODY
I dunno. Never bothers you to do that with your clothes
MRS. EVERYBODY
Besides, I read an article that said plants can sense pain and they react to it. How could I betray my friend after all the years we've been together? I feel like a killer! I feel like I'd be ripping out her guts and tearing her apart
MR. EVERYBODY
Not that I pretend to feel what you feel but check this out
(MR. EVERYBODY shows her a page of the newspaper)
MRS. EVERYBODY
What's this? The Plant-a-atrium is having a sale on houseplants?
(turns to look at plant and at newspaper ad)
(MRS. EVERYBODY cont'd.) 'Parting is such sweet sorrow my formerly green friend. Go meet your other friends in the composter! Do not think badly of me for I shall remember you with great fondness.' I'm ready.
MR. EVERYBODY
Ready for...?
MRS. EVERYBODY
To make new friends at the Plant-a-atrium, silly! We all gotta go some time. I mean, it's just a silly plant for heaven's sake...
By: scriberess,
on 1/8/2015
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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Today would have been Elvis "The King of Rock'n'roll " Presley's 80th birthday. It is generally believed by most that Elvis is no longer with us as in gone to that great jam session in the sky. However - love those howevers of life - there are those who believe he arranged for his disappearance and is out there somewhere, doing gigs. What if they're right? You just never know.
Elvis – The Real Story
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN 40-something husband of Tammy"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
THE TIME
The present
THE PLACE
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.
AT RISE:TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room
LEN
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY
(reading book)
The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a differenceLEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-dayTAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphereLEN
You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!TAMMY
You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!LEN
More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?TAMMY
That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful
LEN
Are you saying that this…this gas station and one-table-diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained dinersLEN
Was that before or after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up TAMMY
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…LEN
…obviously not long enough…TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…LEN
…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoningTAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible
the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a
typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands, frequentlyWAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll chooseLEN
So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' T-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likelyTAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices… the waiter comes over to take the order
LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…TAMMY
Just choose something already, will you?WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh… SFX: LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed
in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the
counter holding a hand mic)
VOICE OVER
“For you entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
An over-weight bordering-on-obese man dressed in a white jump suit enters, stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black aviator glasses cover his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head
(VOICE OVER)
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He bends over to kiss Len, who pushes him way
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
He whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocketELVIS
(in weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
Starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on
the back ELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
He chokes again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neckDOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be ELVIS
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine… ELVIS sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take his arms
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing HomeELVIS
ut…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet! MALE 1
Shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the
couple
ELVIS
Thank you all very much!
Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor bastard. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces
WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together
LEN
Don't just stand there, Tammy. A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building
LEN
(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)
Hang on a minute. I can put these pieces together… gimme some of that leftover barbeque sauce...
By: scriberess,
on 12/19/2014
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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Wrote this a while back but have done some editing and bringing it back being that it's almost Christmas.
THE VISIT
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Molly Rigby, 88, senior citizen
David Grey, 20-something reporter Paul Seaton, camera man
SETTING: Recreation hall of a senior's residence. A few seniors are dozing, some in wheelchairs, others are in regular chairs.
AT RISE: A reporter (DAVID) enters the room in preparation for an interview with MOLLY RIGBY, who claims to have communicated with whom she believes to be, Santa Claus
DAVID enters the room, taking notes and practicing his introduction
DAVID
"We're here at the Happy Hollows Seniors Home to interview resident, Molly Rigby, who claims to have been visited by old Saint Nick, himself. Come Christmas Eve, Molly has stated she will be leaving on an extended trip…”
PAUL enters, holding a TV camera
PAUL
So…what’s the story, here? I mean, it’s Christmas Eve! Couldn’t this one have waited?
DAVID
Hey – it’s not my decision! The brass wants us to do a “feel-good” story and interview an old granny claiming to have met the real Santa Claus,
PAUL
Yeah and the tooth fairy is alive and well. Is she like…’all there’ if you get my drift?
DAVID
Who knows. It's one of those seniors sleeping over there.
DAVID approaches the trio, gently shaking each woman.
DAVID
Um…’scuse me… Misses… Ladies…Hello? Molly? Which one of you is Molly?
MOLLY stirs, sits upright
MOLLY
Who wants to know? That a TV camera? You’re another one of those TV wisenheimer news guys! Take a hike! I’m sleeping
DAVID
Really – this will only take a few minutes. The world wants – needs - to know if it’s true!
MOLLY
Like I said – make like the wind and blow away
MOLLY goes back to sleep. DAVID shakes her gently.
DAVID
Paul - this is the lucky lady we were discussing who’s met Santa
MOLLY
I was having such a nice dream ‘til your friend here came along and popped it
PAUL
Meet Dave Grey, Molly, the reporter that's made WGMZ the number one station in the market
DAVE
I'm sure Molly doesn't care about those things
MOLLY
You're like all the others. You think I’m a little ‘cuckoo’ in the ‘woo-coo.’ Well I’m not, you know! Oh ‘ye of little faith!
DAVID
If you’ll stand next to me right over here and we’ll do the interview…
MOLLY
I know what I saw and no one’s gonna tell me diff’rent. Now let me go back to sleep so’s I can be rested when he comes for me
DAVID
It’ll only take a few minutes and then we’ll be gone. Come on, Molly! It’s Christmas Eve! A time for miracles. Don’t you want to share your good luck with everyone?
MOLLY
Think you're the first reporter to doubt me? I may be old and crotchety but I’m not crazy! Okay – go for it but only because you’ll be the last. Hey - watch where you put that microphone.
DAVID
We’ll do the interview and then we’ll be outta your hair. Really
MOLLY
Better make it fast ‘cause I’m expecting my special visitor real soon now
PAUL
Guess a family member is taking you home, being that it's Christmas Eve?
MOLLY
I suppose you could call him that being that we’re very close friends now. He’ll be coming for me in a big, big sleigh that flies faster than the speed of light. We’re gonna go up, up and fly high in the sky. Just him and me and …
DAVID
(snickering)
This special ‘friend’ of yours… would he, like… be dressed all in red with a long white beard and wearing black shiny boots and white gloves?
MOLLY
Last time he was here, told me t’pack a couple of things for our long trip just the two of us is gonna take. and he'd be 'round to get me on Christmas Eve. Tonight is Christmas Eve, right?
PAUL
(laughing)
This… friend of yours, would he…like…have big white wings and wear a halo or was he dressed in black and carry a big sickle…
DAVID
…don’t mind him. Thinks he’s funny. When did this… ‘friend’ first show up?
MOLLY
Can we sit down? I wanna save my strength for tonight. Yeah - he first dropped in ‘bout a month ago. ‘Why me?’ I asked him. ‘Why not you’, he says. Can’t argue with that logic…
DAVID
How'd you know he was the real one? I mean, there are a lot of people claiming to be Santa this time of year
MOLLY
…and y’know what else he said? ‘Molly - you never stopped believing in me.’ That’s what my friend told me., ‘Cause I believe!
DAVID
How do you get in touch with him?
MOLLY
I don’t get in touch with him, silly! He sends me messages
DAVID
How’d I know you were gonna say that?
MOLLY
Only I can receive his messages (points to head) – right here
PAUL
Oh fer… We’re wasting time. Let’s wrap up.
MOLLY
You think I’m crazy and hear voices, don’t you? I know-what- I-know! Wanna hear how we became friends? Last Christmas Eve at this very time, I sent him a letter asking if I could go along t’help deliver toys? I mean, being that I’m 88 years of age, who knows if I’ll even be around next year so I told him in my letter that it was now or never
PAUL
This man…your friend answered your letter? Did it have a stamp and a post-mark?
MOLLY
Always with the questions – and doubts. You young people can’t accept that people can be nice to each other for no reason. I didn’t bother checking for a post mark. I don’t hav’ta because -
DAVID
- I know. You believe. You have to admit that there are a lot of phonies running cons at this time of the year
MOLLY
Oh ye of little faith, sonny boy! He never has asked me for anything. Not one cent! Wanna know how he introduced himself?
DAVID
By telephone and he asked you to make a donation to his toy campaign?
MOLLY
Found him sitting on the end of my bed, watching Seinfeld re-runs and laughing his head off. That old fart has a good sense of humor, y’know! Suppose he has to what with all the doubters he meets. I mean - you can imagine how shocked I was t’see a stranger watchin’ TV in my room. ‘
DAVID
He told you that he was Santa and you believed him?
MOLLY
You sound like all the rest and they doubted me, too. Why wouldn’t I?
DAVID
You hav’ta understand that it's not everyone who gets a visit from Santa in person
PAUL
We almost finished, here? I’d like to make it home to open gifts with my kids
MOLLY
Told me he was gonna take me away on his sleigh, t’stay with him...forever! Me! Molly Rigby, going t’ live with Santa Claus and his elves. I just couldn't believe it!
DAVID
Me neither. So, you took him up on his offer?
MOLLY
Are you serious? Wouldn't everyone?
DAVID
Are you're telling me that you went for a ride with…
MOLLY
…Santa Claus? You bet'cha your perfectly sprayed hair, I did
DAVID
(laughing)
And I suppose there were the reindeer parked on the roof, or maybe outside your bedroom window? How does an elderly lady – no disrespect intended – climb into a sleigh? I see you use a walker
MOLLY
Somehow - and I don't know how he did it - I found myself floating in the air, right out of the window. It was one of those high tech sleighs with flashing lights…
DAVID
A…high…tech sleigh? Led by high tech reindeer too, I guess?
MOLLY
Now that I think about it - their antlers did look like antennas…and the sleigh had colored flashing lights all around
DAVID
And was this…Santa… on the - small-ishside with a big head, large black eyes and grey-ish white skin color?
MOLLY
Could be but then I'm color-blind. D’ya wanna meet him?
DAVID
Him – who? You mean, Santa? Why not? If nothing else it’ll make a good Christmas story and we can expose a holiday phony
MOLLY
Now you hav’ta promise me that you won’t try recording us leaving. Santa doesn’t like publicity or anything. He’s a very simple, private man
DAVID
Yeah…course…no recording… Right Paul?
MOLLY
Promise me you won’t! Y’a gotta promise!
DAVID
I promise. Ready, Paul?
PAUL
We’re leaving? I’m ready when you are
DAVID
To capture the moment that Molly, here, leaves the rest home for the North Pole
0 Comments on THE VISIT - a Christmas play-ette as of 12/23/2014 5:32:00 AM
By: scriberess,
on 12/10/2014
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SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE. AT THE MALL
SCENE: PARKING LOT OF A LARGE, BUSY MALL. BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
AT RISE: MR. AND MRS. EVERYBODY SEARCH FOR A PARKING PLACE
MRS. EVERYBODY
Told you we should have left earlier. Now there’s wall-to-wall cars. We’re never going to find a spot
MR. EVERYBODY Excuse me? Were you or were you not talking on the phone to Chloe for a good 45 minutes?
MRS. EVERYBODY First of all – it wasn’t 45 minutes and second of all, we had important things to discuss
MR. EVERYBODY Like what? Which stores have the best prices?
MRS. EVERYBODY So? Those are important things. Don’t you want me to save you money? Don’t you just love all the Christmas decorations?
MR. EVERYBODY Come again? How do you figure that buying stuff saves me money?
MRS. EVERYBODY
Well, take today for example. Everything in the mall, the entire mall mind you, is twenty-five percent off! This is a bigggg saving. If I hadn’t spoken to Chloe, I would never have know that. Listen – they’re playing Silver Bells over outdoor speakers. Don’cha just love that song? Puts you in a Christmas mood
MR. EVERYBODY Would I be going round and round if I did? We’ve been going in circles for so long, I’m getting dizzy. You mean the “spend-spend-spend” songs
MRS. EVERYBODY Try and get close to an entrance. You’re so cynical
MR. EVERYBODY You’re fussy where you want to park? Beggars can’t be choosers
MRS. EVERYBODY Let me put it another way. Try not to park fifty feet away in no-mans-land. It’s cold out
MR. EVERYBODY And let me make this perfectly clear. This car will turn in to wherever there’s an empty space
MRS. EVERYBODY You could at make an effort to look
MR. EVERYBODY And what am I doing now? As far as I can see, there are no empty parking spaces near a mall entrance, or anywhere else for that matter. Maybe we should just go home and forget about it…
MRS. EVERYBODY Not! And miss the sale of the year? Okay. How about this. One more time around and then you can go park in Siberia like always
MR. EVERYBODY One more time …here we go again…
MRS. EVERYBODY Stop! There’s a car pulling out. Quick – get over there or that guy is gonna grab it before us
MR. EVERYBODY It’s in the next line over. I’ll have to drive around. I’ll never make it
MRS. EVERYBODY Just put your foot on the gas and cut the car off!
MR. EVERYBODY This is not the wild west and I have no intention of being part of a showdown. If we don’t get it – we don’t get it
MRS. EVERYBODY Mr. Philosophical has spoken. Just…hurry! You’re not going fast enough! The other car is closing in from the other direction…
MR. EVERYBODY You are obsessed and possessed – you do realize that, right?
MRS. EVERYBODY We’re talking about a primo parking spot right near the front, no less! This is indeed our lucky day! You gotta be aggressive if you wanna grab a good place. Trust me. I know about these things.
MR. EVERYBODY You and your knowledge of parking spaces wouldn’t happen to know anything about the nice scratch in the front right fender by any chance, would you?
MRS. EVERYBODY I’m getting so forgetful these days. Y’see…last week, me and Chloe were here for the Fashion Flare Shop Going-Going-Gone Out of Business sale and there was a parking space and I was sure this car could fit but unfortunately, I misjudged the size of the spot against the size of the fender and like…the fender somehow ended up sliding against a cement pillar that was in my way. Why they put pillars in the middle of parking lots is a mystery, anyway. Hurry – that other car is getting ready to turn in!
MR. EVERYBODY Perhaps it’s a plot by the mall to get drivers like you to scratch your fenders against them. They’re light standards, FYI. Oh well - guess it matches the scratch on the left fender… Uh-oh both our cars are there at the same time. I’ll let the other car park. Doesn’t mean that much to me
MRS. EVERYBODY You’re just giving in? Hold your ground for a few minutes. Show the other car we mean business!
MR. EVERYBODY We’ll go to the back of the parking lot. Plenty of space there
MRS. EVERYBODY But…I’ll have to walk!
MR. EVERYBODY What’s this world coming to? You’ll have to walk a few extra feet. I mean, really…
MRS. EVERYBODY Open the window and let me speak to the driver and explain the situation. I’m sure he’ll understand and let us park
MR. EVERYBODY You’re not serious
MRS. EVERYBODY I’m very convincing.
(MRS. EVERYBODY opens the door and talks to the driver of the other car)
MRS. EVERYBODY ‘Hello – it looks like we both want the same parking spot. Could I, as a fellow citizen of this planet, prevail upon you to allow us to have this precious parking spot? As you probably know, there is a twenty-five-percent off sale and I have been waiting to buy these divine shoes that have finally been reduced and gone on sale… What? Of course ... I see… Have a good day.’
MRS. EVERYBODY (Cont’d.) Just drive. When something seems too good to be true, it usually is
MR. EVERYBODY What happened to your convincing sales personality?
MRS. EVERYBODY The woman sitting next to him has crutches. Broke her leg and ankle skiing so I couldn’t very well justify taking the spot given all the snow on the ground
MR. EVERYBODY You're all heart. You do know what that means -
MRS. EVERYBODY Siberia here we come… Know what? I got a great idea. Why don’t you leave me off in front of an entrance – any entrance - and park? Or better still, drive around for an hour or so and when I’m finished, I’ll call you on my cell phone and you can pick me up? Isn’t that a good idea? It’s a win-win for both of us. Right here will do…see you later…
(MRS. EVERYBODY gets out of the car and heads for the mall entrance)
MR. EVERYBODY (calling out of the car window)
Wait a minute! Hello? You have my cell! You forgot yours at home!
By: scriberess,
on 6/25/2014
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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A year-long celebration to commemorate Elvis Presley's first professional recording on July 5, 1954, is set to take place on Independence Day weekend in Memphis and Graceland. There are people who believe that "the King" is still alive and that he planned his disappearance. So let's say that this was the case and that a very old Elvis is living in anonymity, somewhere, but makes rare appearances at nondescript venues like gas station diners to relive the good, old days.
Elvis – The Real Story
By Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of LenLEN 40-something husband of Tammy"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
THE TIMEThe present THE PLACE
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play none-stop. There are a few tables with chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station products and displays of motor oil, etc. AT RISE:
TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room
LEN
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY
(reading book)
The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a difference
LEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
TAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere
LEN
You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!
TAMMY
You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!
LEN
More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?
TAMMY
That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful
LEN
Are you saying that this…this gas station and three table diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!
TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners
LEN
If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
TAMMY
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…
LEN
…obviously not long enough…
TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
LEN
…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
TAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming so try to act normal, if that’s possible
the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a
typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands,
frequently
WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll choose
LEN
So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' t-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likely
TAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…
the waiter comes over to take the order
LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?
WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…
TAMMY
Just choose something already
WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…
LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed
in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the
counter holding a hand mic.)
VOICE OVER
“For your entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
A very over-weight man dressed in a white jump suit enters, stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black aviator glasses cover his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head
(VOICE-OVER)
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket
ELVIS
(in weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on
the back
ELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting
clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck
DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know y'all gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
ELVIS
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…at least I think it's a favorite...what's the name of the song now...nobody help me - it'll come back ...
Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this…
Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take
his arms
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing Home
ELVIS
But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!
MALE 1
(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.
ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!
MALE 1
Here you are…
the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the
couple
ELVIS
Thank you all very much!
Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is over 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor guy. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces
WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a free tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together
LEN
A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building”
LEN
(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)
Hang on a minute. I can stick these pieces together… Help me Tammy – at the price of gas these days…
©Eleanor Tylbor, 2009
THE TURKEY STRUT
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: Barn on a farmAT RISE: A meeting of the fowl-est kind. A group of turkeys are meeting to discuss a course of action to deal with National Turkey Lovers Month that began in June. The sound of loud gobbling is drowning out the speakerTIME: Early morningHEAD TURKEY
Can we have a little decorum here? Hello?
(he picks up a large meat cleaver and forcefully inserts it into a block of wood. There is an audible gasp)FEMALE TURKEY
Is that really necessary? Are you trying to give us a heart attack?
HEAD TURKEY
That's the least of our worries
MALE TURKEY
A little over-the-top, aren't we? We were merely discussing the quality of the feed the farmer is feeding us
HEAD TURKEY
How about this, then. Given that June has already arrived and if the farmer gets his way, corn will be the last thing you'll have to worry about!
FEMALE TURKEY
You're always so melodramatic, Sydney.
ANOTHER FEMALE TURKEY
I got a suggestion! Why don't we all do the turkey strut! Strutting always helps deal with stressful situations
MALE TURKEY
Sounds like an idea. I'll put on the music
(they all line up and strut to the music, "Turkey in the Strraw")HEAD TURKEY
Unbelievable! I can't believe what I'm seeing
FEMALE TURKEY
I know. We're all such good strutters. Who would believe we've been doing it for only a year. It's like we were born to do this. Come join us!
HEAD TURKEY
I was referring to the reality of the situation, which is June being National Turkey Month.
FEMALE TURKEY
(still strutting)
You mean, they actually put a month aside for us turkeys? What an honor!
HEAD TURKEY
Some honor! Let me put it to you this way. If they have their way, you'll be the main attraction on a platter at Sunday dinner
FEMALE TURKEY
At last! Artistic recognition. I mean, doing the strut on a platter at Sunday dinner is the ultimate form of acknowledgement and recognition of our talent
HEAD TURKEY
Let me make it simple that even your limited intellect can grasp. Sweetheart - you'll be the Sunday dinner
FEMALE TURKEY
Stop joking around, Sidney. 'Okay everyone - follow me! Kick up some dust!'
HEAD TURKEY
How about this. We wait until night and run for our lives! That is - if we're still around
FEMALE TURKEY
Of course we'll all be here. Why wouldn't we be?
HEAD TURKEY
Because... I give up. Uh-oh. Heads up. Here comes the farmer and his wife. Don't say I didn't warn youze all
FEMALE TURKEY
Oh goodie. We can give him a preview of our dance style before Sunday
HEAD TURKEY
(sighing)
I don't think he has strutting on his mind. See 'ya around! I'm out'ta here!
FEMALE TURKEY
Okay - all together turkeys! Puff out your chest and feathers and let's give the farmer and his wife a taste of what we're all about!
Readers of this blog are aware that I've been sharing some short pieces focusing on an encounter between a human (Angie) and Noah, he of the ark fame. Basically, the story line focuses on Angie's observation of the none-ending rain falling everywhere and her decision that drastic steps must be taken to save herself.
Yesterday, I posted the third installment in the series (yes there will be more) but thought perhaps I'd provide the blog coordinates for the first two written a short time back.
Arks to Go: Angie meets the ark builder
http://a-playwrights-ramblings.blogspot.ca/2011/05/havent-decided-yet-whether-or-not-to.html
Arks to Go: the Flood Sequel II
http://a-playwrights-ramblings.blogspot.ca/2014/05/arks-to-go-flood-sequel.html
Enjoy.
SCENE: LIVING ROOM OF AN APARTMENT. LATE EVENING
ANGIE and her male friend(JOE) are sitting on a couch, caught up in an embrace. Her cell phone rings repeatedly.
ANGIE
Ignore it. Now where were we...
(cell phone stops ringing and is replaced by the ringing of her regular phone)
JOE
Shouldn't you answer? Sounds like it's important
ANGIE
Some people might think so but not me. So...now...where were we?
JOE
You know who it is?
ANGIE
I have a pretty good idea
JOE
Strikes me that whoever's calling you, is trying to get your attention
ANGIE
Ignore him. As I recall, you had your arm here...
JOE
'Him'?
ANGIE
That is to say, it's probably one those scam companies making me an offer I'll refuse
(both phones ring simultaneously)
JOE
I dunno, Angie. Sounds like someone really wants to speak with you. You better pick up one of them. Why don't I go get us a drink while you choose?
ANGIE
Honestly! I get crank calls all the time. Why should this be any different?
JOE
(getting up)
Answer the phone, Angie
(JOE leaves the room. ANGIE stares at the phones while they continue to ring)
JOE
(from the other room)
'Answer the phone already!'
ANGIE
Why...why did I get involved in this again? Hello?
NOAH
Guess who? Is this your cell phone I'm communicating on? I've been thinking of getting one msyelf...
ANGIE
I'm going to end this conversation, now
NOAH
...I mean, it would definitely give us more manoeuvering room. We could travel around and still keep in touch with everyone.
ANGIE
We? I don't think so
NOAH
Okay. I get it. We'll only use your cell phone. Don't wanna squander resources
ANGIE
We are not partners, got that? Now if you excuse me, I'm otherwise occupied
NOAH
Seems like a nice enough guy
ANGIE
Say what?
NOAH
Dear, Angie, my special connections allow me a private view into people's lives not accessible to humans
ANGIE
What happened to my right to privacy? It's beyond chutzpah! This conversation is over
NOAH
Would it make a difference if I apologize? It's not like I ask to have this insight. Comes with the territory. It's all water under the bridge, anyway. Always wanted to say that. Oh my - I am witty today.
ANGIE
You mean, wit-less
NOAH
Just trying to inject humor in what would otherwise be a dismal and gloomy topic. We have important things to discuss like how are we going ensure that we have two representations of all living things on this planet
ANGIE
There is no "we"! I'm not working along side a peeping Tom or Noah as the case may be. Good bye!
(ANGIE turns off her cell phone. It rings again)
ANGIE (cont'd.)
'I'm not home, Noah!'
(JOE re-enters and looks around)
JOE
I thought I heard voices
ANGIE
Watching this stupid program on TV about this weirdo who thinks he's been appointed to save the world and tries to convince a woman to join him
JOE
Sounds interesting
ANGIE
Forget about it. Let's get back to what we were doing before, better
(CELL PHONE rings again)
JOE
Boy! You sure get a lot of calls!
ANGIE
It's always the wrong number. Gotta do something about that
(Knock on the door. ANGIE answers)
ANGIE (cont'd.)
You!
NOAH
Hope you don't mind me dropping by. I happened to be in the neighborhood
(pushes by ANGIE)
NOAH (cont'd.)
Hello! I've heard so much about you and at last we meet. I'm Angie's friend, Noah. Tell me...have you given much thought to all this rain we've been having?
TO BE CONTINUED...
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: BEDROOM. 2 a.m. THE PHONE RINGS
FEMALE (ANGIE)
(groggy)
Hel-hello?
VOICE (NOAH)
Angie – it’s me
ANGIE
You…who?
NOAH
Don’t you recognize my voice?
ANGIE
It’s two in the morning and I’m not into guessing games
NOAH
(coughing and clearing his throat)
Think! Hasn’t been that long. Last year? Water? Two by two?
ANGIE
You’re one of those perverts, aren’t you? I’m hanging up…
NOAH
No! Please! If it’s my heavy breathing, I’ve got a cold. All this rain… Does that mean anything to you?
ANGIE
You’re a sick man. Get help!
(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)
(cont’d. ANGIE) Hello?
NOAH
(coughing and sneezing. Sound of elephant and monkeys in background)
It’s me again. I need your help. ‘Quiet guys! I’m trying to talk here!’
ANGIE
You wanna believe you do, but I’m not listening to what you wanna say! Are you aware that it’s illegal to keep wild animals?
NOAH
I got the word from someone high – really high up - to do this. As I was saying – I need your help
ANGIE
You’re a drug pusher, too! You sick-o. I’m hanging up now…
(sound of elephants)
NOAH
‘Didn’t I say to cool it?’ Oh just great. ‘Thanks for fertilizing the floor, guys!’ Took me two days to clean up their last mess. That’s what I get for forgetting to put diapers on them. So as I was saying before I was interrupted, I need your help
ANGIE
And as I told you, I’m ending this phone call
(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)
NOAH
Time is of the essence here. I’m sure you’ve noticed all this rain we’ve been having. There’s a reason for it. Does this mean anything to you at all? Rain? Animals?
ANGIE
Hang on a minute…are you…
NOAH
Noah’s the name and rain is my game
(NOAH sneezes and coughs)
Allergy to lion hair. Is it coming back to you now? Remember last year when it rained like this and we worked together loading the ark?
ANGIE
How could I forget the boa constrictors. Nearly choked me
NOAH
Aw – they’re big jokers. They were just being friendly-like. They do that to all newcomers.
ANGIE
Just how many newcomers have there been and what happened to them?
NOAH
They weren’t the right type for the voyage, anyway. Getting back to this phone call. Seems there’s talk of another big flood. We gotta get prepared
ANGIE
That’s what you told me last time and nothing became of it
NOAH
But didn’t you meet a male like I promised you?
ANGIE
Like I said, nothing became of it
NOAH
You can lead a man to the water but you can’t make him come aboard, if you get my drift. Oh my – I made a joke…
ANGIE
Very humorous. Look – I’ve got a good job now…let me think on it.
NOAH
How long do you need? An hour?
ANGIE
Gimme a break! A day or two at least! This isn’t an easy decision
NOAH
You think I have nothing better to do? Come to think of it, actually I don’t
ANGIE
I’d have to give up a lot
NOAH
More than you know if you let this opportunity go by
ANGIE
How do I get in touch with you?
NOAH
I’ll get back to you. (sound of fighting in the background) Gotta go. The zebras are in the middle of two fueding lions and we know how that’s gonna turn out. Think about it.
TO BE CONTINUED
