How to use this Page

Hey, your 31...that's young my friend, very young. I'm 50 and I'm young. Grandpa's going to 89 in September. He's old. So let's get the right perspective on things. I think I'm going to like the changes in Whispering Ferns. I'm not sure I'm going to like a Zombie novel, but then I've never read a Zombie novel.

I know it&#39;s not really old, but it sure seems like it right now! haha<br /><br />I&#39;m really quite excited about the changes, I just have to get up the motivation to dive in on &#39;em. I think it will help the flow a lot. I&#39;ve also started book two, but I&#39;m not far into it. I figure it&#39;s kind of time wasted until I have One up and ready.<br /><br />The zombie one will

I&#39;m not saying I won&#39;t read it...like I&#39;ve said before, I like reading your writing so might like this as well. So far, the only things about life that don&#39;t interest me are opera and heavy metal.

And rap, rap doesn&#39;t interest me either. Bring on the zombie novel! I&#39;m a little behind in reading and posting, please try to be patient with me, hopefully it will be worth the wait.<br /><br />Happy belated B-day Kris. The 40&#39;s are much easier,(and so far more fun) than my 30&#39;s were. I&#39;m hoping my 50&#39;s are even better, but unlike &quot;old-man&quot; Steve, I&#39;m not

Zombie novels have been done. Gladiator novels have been done.

But zombie-gladiators? Very cool. I'd read it.

Just need to put in the EE's edits.

You have a great hook (zombie gladiators? woo-hoo), but your query could benefit from some more oomph. Take the most exciting elements of your plot and the core conflicts and flesh them out more explicitly. C'mon, spill the beans! (Or perhaps in this case, spill the blood and brains)

A good title would be a marketing tool that entices potential readers to open your book. A misnomer title is not going to work so well for marketing. If it's about zombies, I would want the zombie fans to spot that from across the room. I suspect most zombie fans would pass on a book about costumed dogs, which is the image your title inspires. And likewise, people who love dogs in costume are not your usual zombie audience.

Given the large numbers of people who think that cockfighting, bullfighting, and dogfighting strip us of our humanity, I have some trouble believing that a whole society would decide that former-human-fighting makes everyone more human.

Show us less setup and more plot. I'd probably read this.

You're concept is interesting and unique.

I'm not sure that it's a semicolon you're looking for in the first sentence.

The first sentence of the second paragraph is long and has the potential to be awkward. Maybe you could break it up, which would allow you to provide more plot and character information, as well.

The last sentence in the second paragraph is not quite climactic.

I like Hound in Blood and Black as a title. It's unusual and it's got a nice rhythm.

I agree that it's a wonderful title but I don't think that it works well for this story. Something hinting at the zombie gladiators would get more attention from the target audience.

You might want more emphasis on how important her humanity is to her if that's the stakes.

The events listed don't give me a good sense of the story - Kumari saves someone, kills someone, runs away and becomes a zombie. (If her being a zombie gladiator is important enough to the plot to be the name of the book, it might be worth mentioning in the central part of the query.)

I like the title. I'm with Sarah.

I have never read a zombie anything other than what I read on this blog, and there's a damned decent shot I never will unless someone uncovers a Percy or a Woolf or a Lessing with zombies in it, so I have nothing to add other than - keep the title.

It sounds like you're educated that way - or at least have a 'Sound & Sense' kind of a rhythm to your prose.

ALTHOUGHif you combine non-zombied Welsh, I say again, yes, that's right, Welsh directorial brains and 45 British pounds, you get Cannes attention for zombies, and that's, as they say, a whole 'nother angsty thang...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1183689/British-zombie-movie-cost-just-45-make-set-surprise-hit-Cannes.html?ITO=1490

Yeah... a simple, quiet life hunting down zombies for the gladiator shows? She lives in the suburbs with her 1.7 kids, right? You know, you could make that pretty fun. A zombie has a go at her youngest, she goes from 2 kids to 1.7.

If you keep the title, you could work the explanation in; "She never knew she'd fight as a zombie, coated in blood, instead of as a zombie hunter in black.

I'm not a fan of zombie stuff, but you're tempting me.

Can't help thinking zombies would make lousy gladiators. Wouldn't they always be trying to eat the audience or something?

But then "zombie" is one of my big turn-off concepts in the great and wonderful world of SFF, so maybe ignore me.

never read a zombie book and don't expect to, although I love SEAN OF THE DEAD, a movie which has zombies galore, but it is clearly a romantic comedy. that might be the origin of the zombie contagion theory, as people who get bit die and then stagger around trying to bite others, sort of like a variation on rabies.

Love the title, but I'm in the camp that thinks it doesn't quite seem to be working for the story this query is selling.

My immediate question when I read that Kumari kills her closest [or closet] friend when he's bitten is why doesn't she fight him instead? Or is it too disturbing for her to use people she knows? If so, I think you can take her action to the next level in the query.

And, really, can you kill a zombie? Aren't they already dead? What's the proper term for snuffing them? Anyone got an OED nearby?

And while we're on the subject of words, are zombies in this world a protected class? Is it really illegal to capture them as the word "poacher" seems to indicate? You can be a cattle wrangler without being a cattle rustler. Can you not be a zombie wrangler without being a zombie poacher?

And are the "slavers" what Kumari is? Is it really slavery if the victim isn't alive? I'm not coming down on either side of the fence on that question, but the moral issue of what Kumari is doing could be a kinda neat twist. But I'm thinking that question isn't debated in the ms since the query seems to shy away from any real questions of conscience.

The Zombies we all think about when we say zombie are directly related to George Romero and his three movies Night Of The Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead. That's back to 1968 for "Night"... not the remake. There were a few zombies before "Night" but nothing that caught on with the American Public.

I met people over the years who played zombies and I used to shop in the Mall that figures so prominently in Dawn of the Dead. When Dawn was shown in Pittsburgh, the empty parking lot of the Mall always got laughs and giggles. The lot was never empty.

The TV reporter Bill 'Chilly Billy' Cardille, did news, weather, sports, teen dance shows, HS B-Ball, Studio Wrestling (pro), and hosted "Chiller Theater" the Saturday night scary movie with "Terminal Stare" a blond Elvira, Norman the Castle Keeper (think Lurch lookalike) and Stefan (think Vern Troyer)... I met Cardille when I was in college and saw the "set" of Chiller Theater. Underwhelming fun because the blinking effects were only seen on TV, not in person.

But Night of the Living Dead is the source of all zombie culture.

Some of "we" aren't members of the Great American Public. Hard to remember this, I know, Dave. Obviously very hard.

You kill a zombie by separating his head from his body.

As for this query, I have a question for the author -- Zombies attack human blood and watching zombie gladiators should be fairly horrific. Is this what your story is about? Or is your story about how Kumari finds her true humanity and rises above the sordid profession of zombie gladiator pimp?

I guess the question is the difference between an original and the sequels. It's like the original Aliens is about Ripley surviving the creature. The subsequent "aliens" were about the creatures. Halloween was the same - the original was about a teen surviving the madman. The sequels were about the madman.

Is your story about Kumari surviving to realize her humanity and learn something or about the horror of zombie gladiators and gory blood sport?

The book and movie "Silence of the Lambs" was more about Clarice than Hannibal. The sequels (especially the one with the pigs) were more about gut-wrenching exposed brains and Hannibal's antics.

Does your story about Kumari withstand the blood and guts action?

Jeepers Buffy, I've never met anyone from Transylvania and I've never traveled there but I do know about Vlad Tepes as Bram Stoker's archetypal Dracula. And gosh gollies, I've never met Shelley's family (mostly because they're dead) but I do know the Frankenstein archetype.

BTW - that was a lighthearted nostalgic post.

Dave's right. The modern pop-culture zombie archetype comes from Night of the Living Dead. The idea of zombie contagion is as old as the archetype, and the concept of a zombie apocalypse is only slightly younger.

I don't have anything new to say about the query. I really like the idea. I really don't like the title. The query is okay, but not great (EE's comments are the same things I noticed; except for where he compares vampires to sharks).

"Author's note (not part of query): The title comes from the following: Kumari's nickname is Hound, black marks are the highest ranking matches for a wrangler to participate in, and the blood refers to how the zombies are prepped for combat (coated in human blood to make them fight each other). When Kumari becomes a gladiator herself, and fights the zombies in the pit, she's no exception. So Hound in Blood and Black refers to Kumari when she fights under black marks, painted in blood."

Author: When should I change my title?

Anon: When it takes a paragraph to explain why you chose said title. Another question you didn't ask, but something you should think about.

The fact that you described your title's origins suggests a level of attachment, which may or may not be healthy, but certainly will give the agent reason to ask, " How is this author going to react when the BIG TIME Publisher's marketing team decide to call it something like, Zombies Cuddle Kittens? Do I want that headache?"

The author did NOT describe the origins of the title in the query. I thought I made that clear. Authors are asked by Evil Editor (See link in sidebar) to describe the origins of the title if it's not obvious from the query, so that EE can compose the actual Guess the Plot. I include that description after the query so that readers will know where I got my info, that I didn't just make it up.

Yes, Dave, a light-hearted nostalgic post that managed a) to assume everyone reading was American and b) to make gross assumptions about culture. I have never seen Night of the Living Dead; my ideas of zombies come from the Fortean Times. So, la.

EE said: "The author did NOT describe the origins of the title in the query. I thought I made that clear."

EE, as one of the minions who has made this mistake, I fear you might be clarifying this aspect of the Face-Lifts forever.

Sorry.

When I hear zombies, I think Haiti and voodoo (and NOTLD). At the risk of sounding snarky and/or out-of-sync with the times, I find your use of zombies to be gratuitous and the explanation for the gladiator-style combat (the only way left for mankind to prove to themselves that they aren’t the real monsters)sounds contrived.

How about revising the plot line and setting from a future world to GITMO and have the detainees sucumb to an infiltration of zombies? Kumari could be a gladiator sandal salesperson seeking a cheap source of labor in Cuba.

Not my type of reading material, but I might watch the movie when it comes out.

Hmm. Interestingly, my idea of Zombies comes from riding the subway to work every morning. I guess influences are everywhere.

I quite like the title, and if it's explained in the book, that's fine by me. (Dunno what happens when the cover artist decides to go with a mix of swirly greys and moody blues, though, but never mind.)

Like 150, I'm not clear on how our essential humanity is asserted by watching zombies maul each other to bits.

Can't say I'm a fan of zombie stories, generally. They're not very articulate antagonists ... vampires, you can interview; werewolves, they moan about the horrors of the lycanthropic condition; zombies, you're lucky if you can get a "braaaains" out of them.

But the setting for this one sounds interesting.

Regardless of who has seen Night of the Living Dead or not seen it, part of my reminiscent post brought the second post about which is more important to the book -- the zombie fights or Kumari's salvation.

The query as it was presented is equal parts of the two. My subsequent questions were aimed at getting the author to present more of Kumari's development than the zombie aspects of the book in the rewrite of the query.

For example: Mary Shelly's Frankenstein is more about what it is to be human and not about piecing together body parts into an imitation of life.

Equally, BLADE RUNNER is again about what it means to be human and alive, and not about a dystopic future. The setting fascinates but also supports the mirror of human and not human.

To my mind, focusing on gladiator-like combat among zombies in the query is a mistake. The meaningful story is about Kumari and how she grows through her struggles.

I am afraid that gladiatorial combat is so at odds with standard view of zombies that a reader may not accept it. But that concern may only wrongly placed because of the way the query discusses the plot of the story.

George Romero's Land of the Dead film had Asia Argento (Dario Argento's daughter) battling zombies in pit-fights, with bets made on the outcome.
By this movie (2005) the zombies (formerly called ghouls) were increasing in intelligence and dexterity, and learning to use tools.
-Barbara

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but in Resident Evil, all you have to do is be bitten by one of those zombies to be turned into one because the zombification is caused by a virus. So depending on how these zombies are made depends on if being bitten would make sense or not.

Umm, no, zombies in fiction are never going to make sense.

Very cool illustrations. I like the morbid, clear style. Detailed, but not to detailed!

I'm wondering if the title is maybe in the wrong place?

Guess blogger couldn't fit the title and picture next to each other in Medium. Now they're small.

:)

It strikes me that Cami sounds old enough to be sent to Tennessee by herself. Why do the whole family have to up stakes? (sorry)

It might be useful to have a line of background on why/how Cami has the necessary zombie-burying skills, and how the Wrights found out about it. And isn't killing small (even already dead) children a bit OTT? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to read that. But then I'm old :D. I found the story of all the families getting turned into Hands in Abhorsen too much for me. Old!

I rather liked the sound of GTP #4, whereas zombie stories in general leave me cold. Sorry.

Everything EE said is what I would have said--sorry, I know, not helpful.

You could leave out the second sentence in the second paragraph(about Gramps). If not, be more descriptive; "things get weird" is vague and the construction is too similar to "doesn't think things could get any worse" in the previous sentence.

This sounds like a fun read--takes "crazy summer job" to a new level. I would definitely pick it up at the bookstore or library.

Author here:

The only reason the Wrights agreed to take Cami on as an employee is because her parents created a monitoring system that the Wrights really wanted to get their hands on. Letting Cami (and potentially her younger sisters) have a shot at breaking into the zombie-slaying market was the perk that kept her parents from selling to another Family.

The rival Family wants her because they've had a chance to see how well her parents' system works and they want it for themselves.

None of which is clear in the query, so that's my fault.

And I hope a publisher will change my title! I'm not attached to that sucker at all.

Thanks for all your suggestions and questions; this was really helpful!

I love the concept and the voice. Does need a bit of work. I think EE covered everything I thought of and then some.

Good luck. I'd love to read this when it comes out. Sounds like a lot of fun.

I agree with EE, it seems like that's something special about Cam that's been left out. What makes her perfect for the zombie fighting business? Best of Luck.

What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that there are "Families" who handle paranormal things and that they can buy and sell other families to do as chattels or peasants. It's a feudal society. If it is set in the modern age with cars and backhoes and cell phones, that's fine. It's the feudal part that surprised me.

As for the Title, I write short stories with working titles. When I finish the story, then I look at it and find a new title that echoes part of the story. For instance, the working title "Amoral Turpentine" turned into the more respectable "Chief WhiteFeather of the Corona Grande Tribe." The title is for your novel and you should have the best ideas.

Zombies tend to bore me, but this is interesting:

"The only reason the Wrights agreed to take Cami on as an employee is because her parents created a monitoring system that the Wrights really wanted to get their hands on. Letting Cami (and potentially her younger sisters) have a shot at breaking into the zombie-slaying market was the perk that kept her parents from selling to another Family."

Zombies go high tech and become copetitive in the marketplace! Oh yeah, nice twist.

Killer Summer? One HELL of a Summer? Halloween in July? The Undead Meet the Unwed.

Ok. I'll stop before I hurt someone. (But that last one is a GREAT title... For an entirely different book.)

Let's Get Serious.

In addition to EE's comments about shortening the first sentence, you could also shorten "Camielle Moreno never imagined that she'd be spending the summer before her senior year putting zombies back in their graves" to "Seventeen year old Camielle Moreno never imagined she'd be spending the summer putting zombies back in their graves..." I just felt like "spending the summer before her senior year" was a wordy was of pinpointing Cami's age.

In the first paragraph, you outline the stakes as: the Morenos will be jobless and penniless. These seem like incredibly low stakes for a girl who works for a mafia and kills zombies. I feel like the bigger threat is the possibility of Cami being "taken care of" by the Families or having her brain eaten by zombies. Those, to me, are scarier than losing a job. Plues, the Morenos are inventors of things people want. So . . . joblessness doesn't seem like an issue.

In fact, I don't know that the part about the Wrights liking Cami (or not) needs to be in here, because death or becoming a zombie are higher stakes, and more relevant to the plot.

I also am not sold on the relevancy of the mentor in the query. How important is this mentor? If the answer is "very," I feel like the query needs more info on her/him.

It sounds like the Families are what really set this story apart from other undead-slayer stories, and I'd like to know more about them.

I was much more interested in it when you explained the rivalry and why the parents are there. I think if you add those aspects to the query, it'll tighten it up a lot and give editors/agents more to go on.

I like the concept and it's definitely something that would interest my kids.

I think that this sounds like a possibly very good read, but the query letter is doing what I really find annoying, and that is giving bits of info and not following up. It's a big series of teases, and ends up making you look like you cannot write coherently because you haven't written a paragraph that explains anything. You just drop statements and then drop more apparently unrelated statements.

And a lot of what's there seems unneeded.

Wait wait wait. If the Wrights don't hire Cami, Cami's family is penniless. The Wrights are hiring Cami's family so that Cami's family sells them their exceptionally good product. If the Wrights don't hire Cami, her family will sell their exceptional product to someone else and not be penniless.

Is Cami getting hired a perk, or a problem? Because either way it all seems easily solved. 1. Cami gets a job, the Wrights get the product, and the Morenos get rich. 2. Cami doesn't have to have a job, someone else gets the product, and the Morenos get rich.

Something's not adding up.

I love GTP 4! I would totally read that!

Also, I like lots about this story, but it's not well represented by your letter, Author. You might start off with saying that Cami's folks have something the Zombie slaying Wrights want, and why the cachet (or whatever) about being a zombie slayer is something that Cami should want, but doesn't, yet her parents lock her into it anyhow. You make it sound like her success is the family's only hope, like they are at the edge of disaster without this big opportunity panning out.

And you hint that Cami has a special ability to make smart zombies. If this is so, you should not be coy about it in a query; you need to flat say it.

Keep trying. This sounds like it could be good.

Have I any volunteers to feed bits of their own brains to the zombie meerkats©?

This sounds like an interesting story. It's certainly original, and most of the logical flow is already there in the query. As you take the advice of the other minions, be careful not to let your query get too bloated as a result.

Also, Mary, if you don't like the title, you need to change it. I don't know if an agent/editor would reject a story just because of a lame title, but it won't help you any. Like Dave said, you know the story best. You have a better chance than a publisher of finding a good title.

There's nothing wrong with the title. My only suggestion was to add an exclamation point to it.

try this:

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE ZOMBIE KILLER!!

How about
Zombie Love in the Time of Cholera?
The Unsinkable Zombie Brown?
The Zombie Also Rises
As Zombies Lay Dying
The Mill on the Floss -- with Zombies
Death and the Zombies
Lord of the Zombies
Lady of Zombies
The Lion, the Witch, and the Zombie
The Wizard of Zombie

The Mill on the Floss -- with Zombies

I lol'd. :)

he looks very much like a salvador dali zombie! with butterflies!

Now who hasn't had enough of zombies? Cool illustration!

www.indigeneartforms.blogspot.com

Worms in love....how wonderful!! Love this illo.

i love your dragon sketch! so adorable! that would probably look really great colored! :D

I was thinking Bush Administration, but with Mr B A Baracus himself up the back there I'll change my guess to a Zombie A Team.

You win the gold star my friend. Are you ready? Here it comes...

GOLD STAR.

Don't you feel honored? ;)

Steve~

Oooh yeeeeaaahhh!!! Wearin' my virtual gold star with a heap of virtual pride right now.

I pity the fool.

alicia said... "I pity the fool."

D.C. Cab...greatest film of all time. Okay, make that worst.

Love the "boy" mask on the monster and the colors!

Sooo Cute! What a great concept! Really love it!

Michele, it's so funny, that you put a monsterface for the kiddo, and made him wear a normal face as a mask - hilarious!

Thanks for stopping by on my blog, and for your sweet comment :-) Your super cool yourself :-)

Astrid
PotatoMammaDesign blog
PotatoMammaDesign.com

Soooo well done! Funny and delicious, I want his candy!

very cute and witty :)

Thanks for visiting my site :)

Oh, that's cute! I love how the little monster was dressed as a boy!

Super cute illo! I love the unexpected surprise of the "normal" kid face being the costume! Well done!

Oh funny, a monster with a boy's mask. so clever.

That's SWEET! Michelle! Happy Halloween!

Cute stuff!! Well done.

Clever idea!
Thanks for the comment on my blog too.

fun fun fun. i like this a lot michelle

You have the best ideas, Michelle!
Love it!

This is fantastic! Very clever and cute. Happy Halloween to you!

Great concept and great execution of the idea.

:O clever idea!, alredy it's the best i've seen of this topic

lol very funny and what a coincidence with this topic's week! Isn't it?

A darling illustration and worthwhile advice.

ha ha!!!!! brilliant! love your new banner, too!

This is adorable - thanks for your visit!

I just love this, he such a cute little monster.

Very cute! Very funny!

The boy mask is waaaay scary :)

oh, this is cute. got a good laugh!

What if you get the dreaded "body parts" candy? This is awesome!

very clever and hilarious! I like these muted colours you are using! very neato!!!

"When there's no more room in hell, the dead will go trick or treating!"

Very cool cartoon. I'm a big fan of Brain Duds!

great idea!

Hello Michelle! Cool idea! I love how the monster has a costume of 'a boy'!

Emila Yusof

Great idea. Nicely rendered.

This is HILARIOUS! I love that his mask is a boy mask and he's a monster! Too funny :) Wonderful as usual...

That is so0Oo0ooo adorable!!!!!!

hehe - great illo.

Hi Michelle! What a great illustration this is! I love the twist of him wearing a human mask!

Anette Heiberg
www.anetteheiberg.com
my etsy shop

Nice role reversal. The color palette is great too.

Very cute as always! It's been a long while, I have been busy and haven't been partaking in IF... Glad you stopped by and said hi at my blog :) I also love your previous illo...with the goo...too cute!

Yay, great concept!

hu !hu ! I love this version halloween ;o)

love the twisted concept, hehe!

oh, this is just an incredibly clever and smart illo! love the concept and the execution... perfect!

also, congrats on your monday-artday logo win! it really is darling :) i can see why it won!!

~kim

Very cool, nice costume!

haha, very cute!

sooo funny! frankenstein is a cutie!!!!!

Oh this is awesom! Love it. Also congratulations on winning Monday Artday :o)

talk about a WOMAN IN HER ELEMENT! this is YOUR topic, michelle...you totally dig doing halloween! and this is no exception! really fun piece! :)

Man, you are on a roll with these halloween/monster themes! This is fantastic! I hope you put all three of your past IF entries into your portfolio-they definitely show your sens of humor. I love this one, a costume with a twist!

wise words and a great illustration!

Wonderful. I love the gholish candy that looks like the candy we eat! Great as always. I like the hansel and gretel piece too.

You just get better and better, Michelle!

I love the candy names. I bet he loves Brain Duds. Wonderful illo.

I love this - this is so so (so) clever

ascenderrisesabove.com/wordpress

LOL lovely blog with awsome illustrations! very funny this one! :)

ummm goooooop!
I love your zombie, and I have absolute horror of the idea normally.

http://blog.benconservato.com

Great work!!! Love your shapes and your limited colors.

Chilled brains with a little white wine make the best goop of all!

Great use (or lack thereof) of color...and perfect poster...

Indeed they do! High-larious! And Happy Halloween. ;-)

and here i thought he had a wee to much of the sauce. just perferfect for this time of year michelle

Good to see you in such great form! This is perfect Michelle!

Ha funny- great humor. I love his eyes!

you are just too funny :) i bet halloween is one of your favorite holidays! love this illo and concept.

~kim

This is such a lovable zombie kid!
Love the beanie! :)

Looks like me when I wake up in the morning...

Great work as usual!

Ha... this is great! Love the color

so funny! great character, as usual!

WHat a great character :) ALways drinking goop :P

Hah-hah! Zombies are my favorite monsters. Hilarious advertisement Michelle!

What a freaky looking zombie. Cool illo.

Ah, is this the guy you entered into the MM? He's fantastic! I love how you made this into an ad, with all the great zombie details. What a fun piece, Michelle!

great grotesqueness!

I love this,, Michelle! So funny and creative. Got Goop?! haha Priscilla (annyp)

I like this receipt ;o) great illustration !

haha! clever and slightly disgusting and yet beautiful art all at once.

omg mitch, your work is amazing! i'd comment on all of the illustations but they are equally unique and impressive. you are kicking some serious ass!

this one would make a great t-shirt.