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Dr. Robert J. Wicks, author of Bounce:Living the Resilient Life, is also a professor at Loyola College in Maryland. In Bounce, Wicks suggests that simply becoming more self-aware can help us decrease stress and live life more fully. Below, OUP interviews Dr. Wicks about the importance of learning to live with resilience.  Read Wicks’s previous OUPblog post here.

OUP: Resilience seems so important to how you live your life but is it really that essential?

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: Physician and author Walker Percy in one of his novels poses the question: “What if you missed your life like a person misses a train?” Unfortunately, in today’s stressful world with multi-tasking being the norm of the day, this is easy to do—especially for those who fail to pay attention to the forces which strengthen our inner life and help us grow through and from the difficult experiences all of us encounter.

OUP: But can resilience be learned? Some people seem born resilient and others seem to have difficulties dealing with adversity almost from the time they are born.

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: You have a point. Some people do seem more resilient all the way from childhood. However, that is not the crucial issue for leading a fuller life. Each of us has a range of resilience—in other words, the ability to meet, learn from, and not be crushed by the challenges and stresses of life. This range is formed by heredity, early life experiences, current knowledge, and the level of motivation to meet life’s challenges and enjoy each day to the fullest—no matter what happens! However, of even more import than the different ranges people have is their conscious decision to maximize the ways in which they can become as resilient as possible.

OUP: Is part of this resiliency-training, learning ways to avoid stress?

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: Yes and no. Living a full life is more than the absence of negative occurrences or pressures. The sources of all stress cannot—and probably should not—be prevented. Yet, there are ways stress can be limited and, more importantly, as those who study resilience report, the way stress impacts us does not have to be totally negative. As a matter of fact, each of us has an opportunity to become deeper and more compassionate in response to the stressors in our lives if we are aware of some basic practices to: contain and understand stress; seek to be more mindful; are reasonably self-aware; and are interested in learning how to maintain a healthy sense of resilience and perspective.

OUP: How did you get so interested in the concept of “resilience”?

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: For almost 30 years I have dealt with a unique kind of darkness called “secondary stress”—the pressures experienced by persons who are in the healing and helping professions. In observing and working with physicians, nurses, psychologists, educators, relief workers, counselors, and persons in full time ministry, I have observed that especially among the most resilient in these groups, how they experience even the most difficult encounters in life is quite telling.

OUP: In a nutshell, what would be some of the more essential ways to maximize your “resiliency range?”

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: Improving your own self-awareness through using a daily de-briefing program, developing a realistic but comprehensive self-care program, understanding better the practice of “mindfulness”, applying the recent findings on positive psychology, and ensuring that 4 types of friends are present in your interpersonal network would all contribute to strengthening your personal and professional resiliency.

OUP: That last point about needing “4 types of friends” intrigues me. What types of friends are you referring to with respect to becoming more resilient?

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: We all know we need friends. Psychology has also long emphasized the need for an excellent interpersonal network. I think anthropologist Margaret Meade expressed well what everyone knows in their heart when she said, “One of the greatest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night.” However, who makes up your “personal community” is also an essential element. In my work I have found that for our interpersonal circle to be rich we need, at the very least, four “types” or “voices” present—since one friend may play more than one beneficial role at different points in our lives. These four types of friends include “the prophet” who asks us “What conscious and unconscious voices are guiding us in life?” They also include “the cheerleader” who is sympathetic and supportive, “the harasser” who teases us and helps us laugh at ourselves to avoid the emotional burnout that results from taking ourselves too seriously, and finally the inspirational guides who encourage us to gather all of the information we receive from others so we can put this feedback to good use.

OUP: You also mentioned that resilience can be enhanced by developing a daily debriefing program and a comprehensive approach to self care. Would you give us a very quick sense of what is involved in doing this?

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: In terms of a daily debriefing, I wanted persons to be able to use a similar approach to the one professional helpers use since it has such a long proven track record in allowing them to process their day’s interactions, let go of the daily emotional “hot spots” so these events don’t keep them up at night, and learn from the day’s encounters so this knowledge can deepen them as persons and professionals. If we take out time to become intrigued by our own behavior, thoughts, and feelings, we can avoid wasting energy on projecting all the blame on others, condemning ourselves or becoming discouraged when things don’t change in our lives immediately.

With respect to self-care, each of us needs to have a program or “protocol” that is both comprehensive and doable.

OUP: A final question I have for you is with respect to “mindfulness”. What exactly do you mean by this term and why is it so important with respect to resilience?

Dr. Robert J. Wicks: I remember once seeing by a garden a little sign that was covered with mud. When I scraped the mud away, I saw that it said, “There is always music in the garden amongst the trees…but your heart must be quiet to hear it.”

Psychology, philosophy, and many of the world spiritualities extol the benefits of time spent in silence and solitude. In addition, it is beneficial to have a sense of mindfulness—being in the present moment with a sense of openness—as we move through the day’s interpersonal encounters. Formal mindfulness or meditation can sharpen our sense of clarity about the life we are living and the choices we are making, enhance our attitude of simplicity, let us enjoy our relationship with ourselves more and, as I note further in Bounce, provide numerous other benefits.

The really good thing about mindfulness is that it can be learned. It just takes reflection on some basic guidelines and a willingness to try some simple steps for a few minutes each day. The results can be truly remarkable in how centered and aware we can become. It is really a cornerstone of resilience.

Q: Would you sum up for us the lessons you are hoping people learn from Bounce?

A: The range of resilience is different for each person based on a unique combination of hereditary, psychological and sociological factors. However, if we are truly interested in resilience, the goal is to find ways to maximize our own range of resilience, and in doing so, improve our quality of life and the ability to continually renew ourselves. In studying resilience and putting into practice some basic lessons, we can begin to recognize—as resilient helping professionals have—that it is not the amount of darkness in the world that matters. It is not even the amount of darkness in ourselves that matters. It is how we stand in that darkness that makes all the difference in how we are able to lead our lives.

Megan Branch, Intern

Dr. Robert J. Wicks, the author of Bounce: Living the Resilient Life, is a professor at Loyola University Maryland. Bounce is a guide for managing stress, turning it into an opportunity, and living more meaningfully in the process. In the original article below, Dr. Wicks profiles the four different types, or “voices”, of friends that everyone needs in their lives. Do you have friends who fulfill all four roles? Do you recognize yourself among them? Dr. Wicks has provided a questionnaire at the bottom of the article to help you find out where you and your friends fit in.

Peig Sayers lived in the Blasket Islands off the coast of Ireland. The winds were so great that even trees couldn’t survive and she was asked, “How can you live in a place like this?” To which she responded quite simply, “It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.”

Psychology has long emphasized the need for an excellent interpersonal network as a major element of health and happiness. As medical studies have shown us, an absence of at least one significant friend may also even have serious health consequences. So, we know we need friends. The question is what type of friends?

In my work and that which I have done with others in the field, I have found that for our circle of friends to be complete, the presence of at least four “types” or “voices” (since one friend may play more than one beneficial role at different points in our lives) are necessary—especially in today’s challenging times. These four types of friends are the prophet, the cheerleader, the harasser, and the guide. By having these “voices” in our lives, we increase our chances of maintaining a sense of perspective, openness, and balance.

The Prophet
The first of these voices which helps us maintain balance and have a sense of openness is the one I shall refer to as the prophet. Contrary to what one might imagine, prophetic friends need not look or behave any differently than other types of persons who are close to us. The true prophet’s voice is often quiet and fleeting, but nonetheless strong. She or he is living an honest courageous life guided by truth and compassion.

Having someone prophetic in our lives is never easy. No matter how positive we may believe the ultimate consequences will be for us, many of us still shy away from prophetic messages and would readily agree with Henry Thoreau: “If you see someone coming to do you a good deed, run for your life!” However, to seek comfort in lieu of the truth may mean that in an effort to avoid pain, we will also avoid responding to opportunities of real value, real life. We will merely exist and eventually die without having ever really lived. Prophets point! They point to the fact that it doesn’t matter whether pleasure or pain is involved, the only thing that matters is that we seek to see and live “the truth” because only it will set us free.
In doing this, prophets challenge us to look at how we are living our lives, to ask ourselves: “To what voices am I listening when I form my attitudes and take my actions each day?”

The Cheerleader
Ironically, one of the most controversial suggestions I might make with respect to friendship is to suggest we all need “cheerleaders.” Some might say that to encourage this type of friend is to run the risk of narcissism and denial. However, to balance the prophetic voices we also need unabashed, enthusiastic, unconditional acceptance by certain people in our lives. Prophecy can and should instill appropriate guilt to break through the crusts of our denial. But guilt cannot sustain us for long. While guilt will push us to do good things because they are right, love encourages us to do the right thing because it is natural.

We can’t go it alone. We need a balance of support. We need encouragement and acceptance as much as we need the criticism and feedback that are difficult to hear. Burnout is always around the corner when we don’t have people who are ready to encourage us, see our gifts clearly, and be there for us when our involvement with people, their sometimes unrealistic demands, and our own crazy expectations for ourselves, threaten to pull us down. So, while having buoyantly supportive friends may seem like a luxury, make no mistake about it – it is a necessity that is not to be taken lightly. The “interpersonal roads” over time are strewn with well-meaning helpers who tried to survive without such support. Encouragement is a gift that should be treasured in today’s stressful, anxious, complex world because the seeds of involvement and the seeds of burnout are the same. To be involved is to risk. And to risk without the presence of solidly supportive friends is foolhardy and dangerous.

The Harasser
When singer-activist Joan Baez was asked her opinion about contemplative, monk and writer Thomas Merton, one of the things she said was that he was different than many of the phony gurus she had encountered in her travels. She said that although Merton took important things seriously in his life, he didn’t take himself too seriously. She indicated that he knew how to laugh at situations and particularly at himself. “Harassers” help us to laugh at ourselves and to avoid the emotional burnout that results from having the unrealistic expectation that people will always follow our guidance or appreciate what we do for them. This type of friend helps us regain and maintain perspective (so we don’t unnecessarily waste valuable energy). This is truly a gift for which we can be thankful.

Guides
The three types of friends we’ve looked at thus far are each part of a necessary community. The prophet enhances our sense of single-heartedness. The cheerleader generously showers us with the support we feel we need. The harasser encourages us to maintain a sense of proper perspective. Complementing these three is a cluster that, for lack of a better name, shall be referred to as “guides.” Such persons listen to us carefully and don’t accept the “manifest content” (what we say and do) as being equal to the “total content” (our actual intentions plus our statements and actions). Instead, they search and look for nuances in what we share with them to help us to uncover some of the “voices” that are unconsciously guiding our lives, especially the ones that make us hesitant, anxious, fearful, and willful.

To determine whether or how these voices are present in our lives, several questions or statements seeking further information about the composition of our circle of friends might be helpful:

• Do I have people with whom I can simply be myself?

• What type of friends do I value most? Why?

• What do I feel are the main qualities of friendship?

• List and briefly describe the friends who are now in my life.

• Describe ones who are no longer alive or present to me now but who have made an impact on my life. Why do I think they made such a difference in my life?

• Among my circle of friends, who are my personal heroes or role models?

• Who are the prophets in my life? In other words, who confronts me with the question: To what voices am I responding in life?

• Who help me see my relationships, mission in life, and self-image more clearly? How do they accomplish this?

• Who encourage me in a genuine way through praise and a nurturing spirit?

• Who tease me into gaining a new perspective when I am too preoccupied or tied up in myself?

• When and with whom do I play different (prophetic, supportive …) roles as a friend?

How do people receive such interactions. Having a healthy and balanced circle of friends can aid in stress prevention and personal-professional growth. This is an obvious reality. The important point here is that with some attention to this area, we can immeasurably improve the role that encouraging, challenging, and guiding friendships can have in our lives. In turn, it can also provide an impetus to fill similar roles with others, which can also be a deeply rewarding experience for us—though they are roles that we must take with care as well if we are to remain resilient and passionate and be able to continue to reach out without being pulled down.