This evening is the first night of Hanukkah/Hanukah/Chanukah — and what better way is there to celebrate than with a holiday story? Here is “The Cave of Mattathias,” a tale that originated in Eastern Europe and was passed down in the oral tradition. It is one of many stories included in Howard Schwartz’s Leaves from the Garden of Eden: One Hundred Classic Jewish Tales. Happy Hanukah!
In a village near the city of Riminov there was a Hasid whose custom it was to bring newly made oil to Reb Menachem Mendel of Riminov, and the rabbi would light the first candle of Hanukah in his presence.
One year the winter was hard, the land covered with snow, and everyone was locked in his home. But when the eve of Hanukah arrived, the Hasid was still planning to deliver the oil. His family pleaded with him not to go, but he was determined, and in the end he set out across the deep snow.
That morning he entered the forest that separated his village from Riminov, and the moment he did, it began to snow. The snow fell so fast that it covered every landmark, and when at last it stopped, the Hasid found that he was lost. The whole world was covered with snow.
Now the Hasid began to regret not listening to his family. Surely the rabbi would have forgiven his absence. Meanwhile, it had become so cold that he began to fear he might freeze. He realized that if he were to die there in the forest, he might not even be taken to a Jewish grave. That is when he remembered the oil he was carrying. In order to save his life, he would have to use it. There was no other choice.
As quickly as his numb fingers could move, he tore some of the lining out of his coat and fashioned it into a wick, and he put that wick into the snow. Then he poured oil on it and prayed with great intensity. Finally, he lit the first candle of Hanukah, and the flame seemed to light up the whole forest. And all the wolves moving through the forest saw that light and ran back to their hiding places.
After this the exhausted Hasid lay down on the snow and fell asleep. He dreamed he was walking in a warm land, and before him he saw a great mountain, and next to that mountain stood a palm tree. At the foot of the mountain was the opening of a cave. In the dream, the Hasid entered the cave and found a candle burning there. He picked up that candle, and it lit the way for him until he came to a large cavern, where an old man with a very long beard was seated. There was a sword on his thigh, and his hands were busy making wicks. All of that cavern was piled high with bales of wicks. The old man looked up when the Hasid entered and said: “Blessed be you in the Name of God.”
The Hasid returned the old man’s blessing and asked him who he was. He answered: “I am Mattathias, father of the Maccabees. During my lifetime I lit a big torch. I hoped that all of Israel would join me, but only a few obeyed my call. Now heaven has sent me to watch for the little candles in the houses of Israel to come together to form a very big flame. And that flame will announce the Redemption and the End of Days.
“Meanwhile, I prepare the wicks for the day when everyone will contribute his candle to this great flame. And now, there is something that you must do for me. When you reach the Rabbi of Riminov, tell him that the wicks are ready, and he should do whatever he can to light the flame that we have awaited so long.”
Amazed at all he had heard, the Hasid promised to give the message to the rabbi. As he turned to leave the cave, he awoke and found himself standing in front of the rabbi’s house. Just then the rabbi himself opened the door, and his face was glowing. He said: “The power of lighting the Hanukah candles is very great. Whoever dedicates his soul to this deed brings the time
Megan Branch, Intern
Dr. Robert J. Wicks, the author of Bounce: Living the Resilient Life, is a professor at Loyola University Maryland. Bounce is a guide for managing stress, turning it into an opportunity, and living more meaningfully in the process. In the original article below, Dr. Wicks profiles the four different types, or “voices”, of friends that everyone needs in their lives. Do you have friends who fulfill all four roles? Do you recognize yourself among them? Dr. Wicks has provided a questionnaire at the bottom of the article to help you find out where you and your friends fit in.
Peig Sayers lived in the Blasket Islands off the coast of Ireland. The winds were so great that even trees couldn’t survive and she was asked, “How can you live in a place like this?” To which she responded quite simply, “It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.”
Psychology has long emphasized the need for an excellent interpersonal network as a major element of 
health and happiness. As medical studies have shown us, an absence of at least one significant friend may also even have serious health consequences. So, we know we need friends. The question is what type of friends?
In my work and that which I have done with others in the field, I have found that for our circle of friends to be complete, the presence of at least four “types” or “voices” (since one friend may play more than one beneficial role at different points in our lives) are necessary—especially in today’s challenging times. These four types of friends are the prophet, the cheerleader, the harasser, and the guide. By having these “voices” in our lives, we increase our chances of maintaining a sense of perspective, openness, and balance.
The Prophet
The first of these voices which helps us maintain balance and have a sense of openness is the one I shall refer to as the prophet. Contrary to what one might imagine, prophetic friends need not look or behave any differently than other types of persons who are close to us. The true prophet’s voice is often quiet and fleeting, but nonetheless strong. She or he is living an honest courageous life guided by truth and compassion.
Having someone prophetic in our lives is never easy. No matter how positive we may believe the ultimate consequences will be for us, many of us still shy away from prophetic messages and would readily agree with Henry Thoreau: “If you see someone coming to do you a good deed, run for your life!” However, to seek comfort in lieu of the truth may mean that in an effort to avoid pain, we will also avoid responding to opportunities of real value, real life. We will merely exist and eventually die without having ever really lived. Prophets point! They point to the fact that it doesn’t matter whether pleasure or pain is involved, the only thing that matters is that we seek to see and live “the truth” because only it will set us free.
In doing this, prophets challenge us to look at how we are living our lives, to ask ourselves: “To what voices am I listening when I form my attitudes and take my actions each day?”
The Cheerleader
Ironically, one of the most controversial suggestions I might make with respect to friendship is to suggest we all need “cheerleaders.” Some might say that to encourage this type of friend is to run the risk of narcissism and denial. However, to balance the prophetic voices we also need unabashed, enthusiastic, unconditional acceptance by certain people in our lives. Prophecy can and should instill appropriate guilt to break through the crusts of our denial. But guilt cannot sustain us for long. While guilt will push us to do good things because they are right, love encourages us to do the right thing because it is natural.
We can’t go it alone. We need a balance of support. We need encouragement and acceptance as much as we need the criticism and feedback that are difficult to hear. Burnout is always around the corner when we don’t have people who are ready to encourage us, see our gifts clearly, and be there for us when our involvement with people, their sometimes unrealistic demands, and our own crazy expectations for ourselves, threaten to pull us down. So, while having buoyantly supportive friends may seem like a luxury, make no mistake about it – it is a necessity that is not to be taken lightly. The “interpersonal roads” over time are strewn with well-meaning helpers who tried to survive without such support. Encouragement is a gift that should be treasured in today’s stressful, anxious, complex world because the seeds of involvement and the seeds of burnout are the same. To be involved is to risk. And to risk without the presence of solidly supportive friends is foolhardy and dangerous.
The Harasser
When singer-activist Joan Baez was asked her opinion about contemplative, monk and writer Thomas Merton, one of the things she said was that he was different than many of the phony gurus she had encountered in her travels. She said that although Merton took important things seriously in his life, he didn’t take himself too seriously. She indicated that he knew how to laugh at situations and particularly at himself. “Harassers” help us to laugh at ourselves and to avoid the emotional burnout that results from having the unrealistic expectation that people will always follow our guidance or appreciate what we do for them. This type of friend helps us regain and maintain perspective (so we don’t unnecessarily waste valuable energy). This is truly a gift for which we can be thankful.
Guides
The three types of friends we’ve looked at thus far are each part of a necessary community. The prophet enhances our sense of single-heartedness. The cheerleader generously showers us with the support we feel we need. The harasser encourages us to maintain a sense of proper perspective. Complementing these three is a cluster that, for lack of a better name, shall be referred to as “guides.” Such persons listen to us carefully and don’t accept the “manifest content” (what we say and do) as being equal to the “total content” (our actual intentions plus our statements and actions). Instead, they search and look for nuances in what we share with them to help us to uncover some of the “voices” that are unconsciously guiding our lives, especially the ones that make us hesitant, anxious, fearful, and willful.
To determine whether or how these voices are present in our lives, several questions or statements seeking further information about the composition of our circle of friends might be helpful:
- Do I have people with whom I can simply be myself?
- What type of friends do I value most? Why?
- What do I feel are the main qualities of friendship?
- List and briefly describe the friends who are now in my life.
- Describe ones who are no longer alive or present to me now but who have made an impact on my life. Why do I think they made such a difference in my life?
- Among my circle of friends, who are my personal heroes or role models?
- Who are the prophets in my life? In other words, who confronts me with the question: To what voices am I responding in life?
- Who help me see my relationships, mission in life, and self-image more clearly? How do they accomplish this?
- Who encourage me in a genuine way through praise and a nurturing spirit?
- Who tease me into gaining a new perspective when I am too preoccupied or tied up in myself?
- When and with whom do I play different (prophetic, supportive …) roles as a friend?
How do people receive such interactions. Having a healthy and balanced circle of friends can aid in stress prevention and personal-professional growth. This is an obvious reality. The important point here is that with some attention to this area, we can immeasurably improve the role that encouraging, challenging, and guiding friendships can have in our lives. In turn, it can also provide an impetus to fill similar roles with others, which can also be a deeply rewarding experience for us—though they are roles that we must take with care as well if we are to remain resilient and passionate and be able to continue to reach out without being pulled down.
