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I was CONVINCED it'd be #3.

hehe.

It's well and good to avoid lengthy synopsis in a Query, but I would want somewhat more detail than this.

Thanks, EE -- that's very helpful. Agents are always complaining about long queries, but I did wonder if I was going too far the other direction. I'll rework with your ideas in mind.

The part about maybe choosing the wrong side is the hook IMO. I'd bring that up immediately. And I'd reduce the multiple fantasy wants to one thing. Sounds like "magical adventure" would be a good term for her fantasy.

How about something like this:
"Emily Daggett always longed for a magical adventure. So when Emily finds herself embroiled in a good-vs-evil adventure along with her cranky wizardly co-worker, she's determined to enjoy herself despite the dangers. Except she begins to think she may have chosen the wrong side."
(Or something like that!)
And I hate the title. It's completely irrelevant. But that can be fixed. ;)

EE's criticisms are right on the nail, but still...I want to read this :).

I like the main idea, just draw out the plot a bit more in the query.

Oh yeah, I'd read this. Especially once you add more solid plot info. Is there a romance subplot?

Sounds interesting. I few more details and I'd like a look. No zombies right? BHW they teach a course at Columbia on Zombies! www.2.colum.edu/course_descriptions/52-2725j.html

I should have said I'd read this too. In a red hot minute.

The title has been changed -- it's now "The Opposite of Magic." I don't know if that's any good, but at least it's more descriptive than the previous title.

Thanks, folks. And yes, Batgirl, there is a romance subplot.

The first line has me a little confused: Emily's childhood fantasy is coming true fifteen years late. Does this mean she's wanted to be extraordinary ever since she was five, and is now twenty? Or does it mean she's now fifteen, and has wanted to be extraordinary since the day she was born?

To the writer of GTP 3,

Te amo.

I like the new title. It's intriguing and gives a hint of what the story's about. The first title gives too little away.

Chelsea, she wanted to be extraordinary since age 11 and is now 26. Thanks for pointing out that it could be taken a variety of ways -- I assumed the long time lapse would convey the idea that she's an adult now.

it's now "The Opposite of Magic." I don't know if that's any good, but at least it's more descriptive than the previous title.

Much more appealing, and it doesn't sound like an airport book (fast-pased usually thrillers. sold in airport shops, with a one word title (this is deliberate, it attracts attention or something)). Maybe they're called something else these days.

As for the query, what's at stake for your character?

Ahhhh. I see what you're driving at. If you want, you could do something like, "Twenty-six year old Emily Daggett's childhood fantasy--find a wizard, be extraordinary, go adventuring--is coming true fifteen years late."

However, I seem to be the only one who noticed this so it may not be an issue at all! Love the new title :)

I liked the ideas in the query, as well as the voice. Agree with EE and others that it needs some more detail.

I kept getting stuck on the fact that her childhood fantasy was to "find a wizard". That seems like a slightly lame childhood fantasy - wouldn't she want to be a wizard?

Though maybe it's just me. I mean, I did want to be a wizard when I was a kid. In any case, I like writtenwyrdd's suggestion of changing it to a desire for "magical adventure." It fits the story and doesn't raise questions about the details of her fantasies.

Sounds cute and fun. FWIW, I'd read pages.

In case anyone's still checking this comment thread and wants to offer further critiques, here's my attempt at a fix:

Emily Daggett's whimsical childhood fantasy--find a wizard and go adventuring with him--is coming true. Years late and all wrong.

The wizard, co-worker Alexander Hartgrave, is thirty and infuriating rather than old and kindly. He doesn't want her tagging along with him anywhere because her very presence nullifies magic--the polar opposite of the power she'd wanted.

But it's just what Hartgrave needs when hit-wizards track him down near the Midwestern college where he and Emily work. The wizards kill anyone who stumbles upon the secret of magic, he tells her, and she's eager to stop them. Until she discovers she might have chosen the wrong side.

I like the revised version much better.

Yes, much more specificity in the same amount of space.

So Hartgrave is claiming that he stumbled upon the secret of magic and is thus a target; that he's not a "true" wizard?

Hi, EE -- Hartgrave tells Emily that nearly everyone is hardwired to do magic, but they don't because they have no idea magic exists. He says the wizarding group picks off those who figure it out. Call it eliminating the competition.

Hartgrave does says he's a target, but it's not a case of real wizards and not-so-real ones. It's magic-users vs. magic-users.

This seemed a bit much to try to explain in a query letter -- but no doubt someone here could do it.

I love this title.

I also love GTP number 1, and number 2 is good for a giggle.

Nitpicks:

- I know Stephanie Meyer doesn't have a lock on the name Bella, but given the timing, you may look as though you're influenced by it. (Said by someone who once named a character Isabelle because I saw that movie where Michelle Pfeiffer turns into a bird. Ladyhawke? Anyway, her character's name was Isabeau and I was not very original.)

- I don't want Belle to be perfectly normal. I want her to have previously unknown - okay, not super powers, but if she's capable of getting to the bottom of all this, she's surely better than average? Does she have a natural aptitude for alchemy? You don't want to Marysue her but give her something more than mousy hair and combination skin.

- I'm really torn about your announcement that you're a high school English teacher. Clearly you have the life experience for writing about a high school English class [but don't most of us?], but so many hsets are wannabe/failed novelists that I'm worried you'll sound desperate. PLEASE, PLEASE REPRESENT ME AND GET THIS PUBLISHED! I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER SEMESTER OF LENNY AND THE PUPPY! or whatever.

But it sounds interesting and I would definitely read it, even though I have not been a teen for some time. :)

Crumbs, I misspelled Stephenie Meyer's name.

This sounds interesting and has a lot of potential, but everything will depend on how you reason through and present to your readers exactly what is remembered and by whom. In this regard, you're going to have to be water-tight with detail (the specifics of how the AD functions) or the whole thing will unravel.

You hint at skullduggery afoot on one side of the door, and I'd like to think this was because of further foul deeds taking place on the side where Ms. Wendt is trapped.

It sounds more middle-gradish to me, too. How old is Belle?

And once again, I'll just say, listen to EE. You've already got a pretty good query; follow his advice and it will be great.

Yes, duh, it would say fifteen-year-old in the very first sentence. Clearly you shouldn't listen to anything I say.

Even stranger than the fact that Ms. Wendt supplements her lessons with magic is the fact that her classroom is located behind a blue door that erases her students' memories of magic when they leave.

If her students forget the magic when they leave, wouldn't using magic hinder their learning instead of help it? Say that magic is used to illustrate a point: won't they will forget that point the moment they forget the magic because the memories are intertwined?

Yeah, a serious logic problem, even for YA. Nobody remembers anything about the magic once they leave, but everybody's having discussions about the teacher and the magic throughout the school? To the point that the kids think the other teacher is trying to harness the magic for herself?

Either answer the question in the query letter or better yet, don't make the question apparent. As Bill said yesterday, maybe some weaselwording is in order if you think the plot can sustain this possible logic issue.

One of the many things I have learned from EE's blog is that every school is populated by magicians or werewolves or vampires.

If I ever have kids, they'll definitely be homeschooled.

Interesting idea, but there are too many puzzling contradictions. Also, it sounds more like middle grade than YA.

Thank you to everyone for commenting on my entry!!! This has all be really helpful. In answer to some of the comments/nitpicks:

1. The name Bella Ravenna is my play on the name Bellerophon, the Greek mythological hero on whom the story is loosely based.
2. In the book, Belle does have a natural aptitude for alchemy.
3. I think I've got the details in the book pretty water tight...but I'm having a hard time proving that in the query, obviously!
4. Everyone is commenting on how middle grade-ish this is...I may lower Belle's high school age to middle school to fit the tone.
5. Deborah: the kids remember the facts, but not the magic or method in which they learned them. Example: in the first lesson, they visit the pyramids. Outside of class, Belle describes the lesson, but thinks that she saw pictures...not that she was there.

I think my biggest problem is getting the details across in the story!

Does this sound better? Any and all comments are really really helpful to me. Thank you all SO MUCH, especially you, EE!

***

Belle may have wanted something more exciting than her regular, boring life, but she certainly didn't expect her English teacher to be a witch. The Amnesia Door, a 60k word YA contemporary fantasy, tells how Belle discovers magic in her ordinary world and then fights to keep that magic in her life.

Although Belle and her classmates love it when their teacher, Ms. Wendt, turns the classroom into the Pyramids or an Ancient Greek amphitheater, they hate the fact that whenever they leave Ms. Wendt's room, they forget all about her magic. The memories come back when they re-enter the class, but for Belle, that's not enough. Her science teacher introduces her to alchemy, and Belle uses it to get around the door's magic. But then she learns that it was alchemy that made the door in the first place...and that an alchemist made her English teacher a prisoner of her own classroom. When Belle learns the real reason Ms. Wendt has been imprisoned, she must decide whether it is worth saving her teacher if it means she will never have magic of her own.

The Amnesia Door is aimed at the same teens who love Diana Wynne Jones or Justine Larbalestier. The story is loosely based on the Greek myth of Bellerophon and the chimera.

So much better! Good job, Beth. But I would leave off the last paragraph.

Eh, uh, the Pyramids? in English class?

Second go is much better. Although a little long. And I'm not crazy about the title. What about "Beyond the Blue Door"? :D

Also:

"The Amnesia Door, a 60k word YA contemporary fantasy "

I would move that to the bottom of the letter because it interrupted the flow for me. Maybe combine it with "The Amnesia Door is aimed at..." sentence into something like:

"The Amnesia Door, complete at 60K, is a YA contemporary fantasy loosely based on the Greek myth of Bellerophon and the chimera. It will appeal to fans of Diana Wynne Jones and Justine Larbalestier."

Second draft much better, tho. Oh, and I agree that this sounds more Middle Grade than YA.

Best of luck,
Moth

Kiersten--Thank you! Quick question--why leave off the last paragraph? Is it the mention of the myth, or the comparing to other works? I thought the myth might show the reasoning behind the name and add some interest, and I thought the comparison might show more along the lines of what audience I was looking for--something along the lines of less hard core fantasy.

Buffysquirrel--You're not the first to mention that! *sigh* I think I must teach an unusual world literature class...I'm the only teacher at my school to have her kids read The Book of the Dead.

Yes — lose the refs at the end, but otherwise, this is much better.

The query itself makes it pretty obvious this isn't typical fantasy. Comparisons always sound slightly arrogant to me, and from what I've read, most agents don't like them, either.

As far as what it's based on, I really don't think agents are going to have a hard time with her name, and adding that it's based on a myth doesn't contribute anything to the query. It takes away from the momentum you've established.

Once again, just my opinion. But if Whirl seconds me, then I must be right. He's British, after all.

If they forget everything the moment they leave the room, how do they remember that they even HAVE an English class to show up at?

When in doubt, I do tend to trust the British. All that Doctor Who influence, you know :)

...thought I'd left a comment earlier, but now it's not showing up.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, Moth, Keirstin, and Whirlochre. I do make it a habit to listen to British people. It's the Doctor Who influence. I'll take out that last paragraph...although I think I might change the beginning to be closer to Moth's suggestion--incorporate the myth into the info about the book.

Thanks again, all. Any further comments are really, really appreciated!

Despite the fact that this letter doesn't do the plot justice, something about it makes me want to read the story.

For fixing the letter, clarify the story, explain the apparent plot holes, etc. Basically, ditto EE and everyone else.

The second version of the query is much better and gets everything across, and I was wondering the same thing about the English class. I do love unconventional teaching methods and materials; however, they're travels in learning through this magic seem more like a History class to me.

I don't find a huge problem with the final paragraph. I think such can show that the author knows his or her projected market. That's not bad, is it? (Anyone else care to chime in?)

I am a bit worried about so many people thinking it sounds like MG...once the kids discover the teacher is a prisoner (within the first 50 pages, btw), the story is a bit dark...it's not "pretty" magic, but fairly serious magic with some dark implications and results.

Does anyone have any ideas of how to show why I think my novel should be classified as YA?

Young adult is generally considered ages 12 to 18. Obviously a 12-year-old is more likely to have similar tastes to an 11-year-old than to an 18-year-old, so there's sure to be crossover between middle grade and YA. Certainly middle graders can handle dark magic without being traumatized.

Bookspot says: "Books written with young adults in mind confront issues that are of great importance to teens and their families. Coming of age, dating, fitting in, friendships, sex, drugs, self esteem, school, and relationships with parents and siblings are frequently addressed in young adult fiction. More than entertainment, these books can be a powerful learning and coping tool when a young reader connects with characters and what they are going through."

While this doesn't necessarily apply to all YA, it does suggest that mature issues are expected to come up in YA. So perhaps by leading with the fact that the new English teacher is a witch, you give the impression your book is for fifth to seventh graders rather than ninth to eleventh graders. If you're sure this book is YA, you could lead with something darker, but consider the possibility that younger people can stand dark books. Harry Potter is popular with middle grade kids, and often dark.

If you want to add the snarky teenage attitude to the book, re-title it: Forget That!

This sounds like fun and the second version works better for me too.

(I was sure it would be GTP #1 and I'd love to see someone write #3.)

Thanks, EE! I just signed up for my state's SCBWI conference, and one of the workshops is a comparison between MG and YA...think I'll be heading to that one first!

Forget That!

Or Fuggedaboudit!
Or Why I Never Remember to do my English Homework Or...


Forget it.

Buffysquirrel--You're not the first to mention that! *sigh* I think I must teach an unusual world literature class...I'm the only teacher at my school to have her kids read The Book of the Dead.

I would have so loved to be in your class.

The second letter is much better than the first. And I agree that you should lose the comparisons and the myth explanation at the end. It deflates the momentum you've built.

For what it's worth, I'm in a similar situation. I'm querying something that I've been calling middle grade. Agents have been telling me that it's really YA (a little too dark for middle grade). But that isn't stopping them from reading it. I wouldn't sweat it. They know the fine line between the genres better than we do and if they like it, they'll work with you.

By the way, I have to be honest. I still don't understand how anybody can discuss the teacher and her magic outside the classroom fiven the blue door rule. I'm sure it's tight in the plot but for me it still isn't clear even in the newer query. But maybe it's just me.

...dave conifer

Okay, now I get it. Alchemy allows the student, and also that other teacher, to get around the blue door rule.

If I 'forget' the first query letter than the logic of the second works for me now.

...dc

Thank you Stacy and Dave!

And Dave, I am having a lot of trouble condensing a very complex plot into a query...there's actually an explanation for everything, even why she's a teacher and why she's been imprisoned in a school, but to try to pack it all into a query....argh. Writing the book was simpler.

Beth-

Well that's your problem, then. You're not supposed to condense all that into the query letter. It should focus on the protagonist, what throws her life out of whack, and what she does about it. All that witchy backstory, when it comes to the query, is just noise.

Time to break out the Snark Formula again.

X is the main guy; he wants to do:
Y is the bad guy; he wants to do:
they meet at Z and all L breaks loose.
If they don't resolve Q, then R starts and if they do it's L squared.

This certainly sounds interesting, and you've gotten some excellent feedback. I can't resist mentioning, though, that if the students are being introduced to the Book of the Dead, the pyramids at Giza would not be Choice #1 for a field trip. Either Saqqara (for the Pyramid Texts, ancestral to the BD), if you want pyramids; or Luxor, for the Valley of the Kings, the Tombs of the Nobles, etc.--New Kingdom tombs--would be much better spots. Regarding dark middle grade novels: see, for example, Charlie Fletcher's _Stoneheart_, which is plenty dark. (And a great read, too.)

This sounds like something I might want to read. It reminds me of some of Charles de Lint's work.

I felt a bit confused as I read through, although some of this was due to letting myself get distracted by EE's comments. (I nearly choked when I read, "Ceah, Sialia . . . Please tell me her father's name isn't Cialis.")

I didn't understand what Ceah's parents had done, or why their treachery hung heavily in the air of Sialia. I didn't understand who then came into Sialia - was that VED or Ceah's parents?

There seemed to be a lot of names to take on board, too, especially as Ceah goes under an alias. Some of them were difficult to pronounce and slowed me up. I had no idea what Chordata meant, until EE enlightened me. Maybe you explain this in the book itself?

I felt much more gripped by the Vulture than by the Lis stone - maybe I needed to know a bit more about it.

I really like the idea that I might get to read this some day.

Your chronology is not doing your query much good.

Here is your problem:

First, you tell us about the cruise ship sinking without telling us anything else to anchor us.

Next, you take us into the past, with a fact dump where a bunch of previous events are presented to us in an unconnected-feeling way. Only a few of these events are interesting (I would say "The Vulture" appearing in the mirror is the most interesting).

Then, you take us back to where you started, the cruise ship, and tell us that the main character entered a different world.

Then, you drop a bunch of hints that something sinister is going on, but instead of feeling mysterious it just feels frustrating because you are too "hinty" and not really saying anything that stirs interest.

What I've written up to this point is what it feels like to read your query letter.

How do you fix it? I'd tell you to rethink your back-and-forth chronology (query letters do not need flashbacks) and don't mention any events or characters you can't tie to the main theme. I assume your main theme is Ceah entering another world where she finds some nasty secret her parents have been hiding from her.

If I were writing your query, I would write something vaguely like this (I've made up details I don't know):

"Ceah thinks she's going insane. She has good reason to think so after talking with a man living inside her mirror who calls himself "The Vulture," seeing bluebird feathers everywhere and seeming to fly when she stumbles on the stairs. Ceah seeks a change of scene by going on a cruise with her best friend Lea, but the two of them get sucked into a portal in the sky when the ship sinks. The two friends find themselves in the world of Sialia, a place made entirely of pink cotton candy. Here, Ceah learns that she is really the princess of the bird-people and that her parents were exiled to earth for trying to steal all of earth's cotton candy. Even worse, it is clear Ceah's parents are trying to re-start their sinister scheme. Can Ceah stop her parents and claim her throne?"

Anyway, what I've written isn't a very good query, but the underlying structure of my query is an improvement. You want to write a query that sounds similar to what people put on the back covers of books, where the most interesting and relevant pieces of the plot are quickly summarized in a way that both wraps around the main theme neatly and where each thing mentioned fits with the other things.

To echo, I got lost as well in a lot of interesting sounding ideas but that didn't seem to cohere into a plot. What is the climax of the story? Defeating someone? Clearing her parents? Overcoming her family history? Is the Vulture related to this? If he is critical, maybe start there and then show how she continues to interact with him. If he's not, drop him from the query and start with the sinking and going into the new world. If you need some background before the new world stuff, probably 1 or 2 sentences listing the flying down the stairs, bluebird feathers, and maybe the Vulture should do the trick. If you don't want to reveal the actual climax of the book, re-orient the query such that we know it is headed there.

I'm getting lost in all the oddness of the story. First off, the names distract, sorry author but the names distract. ANd they distract bad. It's like I'm thinking at the end is when she calls herself Raya Lye, does she have a sister Orah Lye because every time you take vaccine, take it Orah Lye, the hypodermics hurt.

Two, If the world is called Sialia, then I expect it to be filled with anthropomorphic bluebird/human hybrids or something like that. It's not as subtle as the blue feather popping up everywhere. Just say "During a storm in the mid-atlantic, Ceah Chordata discovers that she is is not entirely human but part bluebird. And Earth is not her home, the bird-world of Sialia, is."

Three, discovering that you can fly and saving herself from drowning, ought to be happy events. Even finding herself on her home world (the bird planet). But this is not the case, Her parents are pariah and she is (let me guess - abomination), and when they created Ceah Chordata, her parents messed up and despoiled Sialia. And I'm guessing that Ceah Chordata feels guilty and wants to put everything right. IF that's so, then that is her fantasy quest.

3. What is VED? I don't want to guess for fear of guessing something truly awful and offensive. Look we already have the major elements of a fantasy quest, The Unsuspectin Hero, the pre-existing tensions and now, the Villain. That must be the role of the VED or maybe the role of the Vulture.

3b - Who is Jackie Lato and why do we car about him/her?

4. Unspeakable -- Is this unspeakable like "FAces of Death" where we get to giggle and laugh at the dead? Or like Saw 1,2,3,4, SAW - where we get to see people killed in horrible ways with oodles of red blood pouring out of their bodies? Or Nabokov's Lolita - underage sex? Or like Emmanuelle in Bangcock where the footballers... (I better stop right there).
My point being that whatever is unspeakable needs to be foreshadowed and all that. And most likely (I've been around EE's blog enough) to know that you really might have a gee-whizzies, slam-bang horror, but you need to reveal it to your agent. I have watched CHARADE with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn and almost know the dialog, but they are so good and the movie so well done that the final thrills are still thrills.

Well, this was a pleasant after dinner bloviate, thanks for writing the query. I had fun.

People in the UK whose surname IS Cialis went to court to prevent it being used. They failed. And now you're laughing at them.

The horror.

That was funny. And totally worth it. Thanks EE!

Yes, firstly, there's a LOT more to do with the title than just bluebird feathers. Sialia sialis = eastern bluebird, and that's just a tiny part of it.

I've gotten suggestions saying I shouldn't put the wordcount in, because it's quite a large novel, apparently, and I would like to hear what anyone else has to say about that.

I think I'll take out the second paragraph and jump right into the Entering Sialia part.

Thank you, again--for the laughs as much as the advice.

Bye Bye Bluebird is my first fantasy novel with a word count of 134,000.

What are the word counts of your other fantasy novels?

Sorry. Couldn't resist. It was the only opening EE left. Back with real comments in a bit.

Random thoughts as I was reading through this query:

134,000 words? Really? Hmmm...
To quote Kristin Nelson's blog: "Fantasy can push up to 110,000 [words] but for a debut, it’s going to be a tough go if the word count is higher." You might want to look at your manuscript and pare down. Your book might be brilliant but the word count is going to make it that much harder to sell. Why handicap yourself with the word count right off the bat?

"Ceah"? How do you pronounce that? I'm curious. Could you spell it phonetically?

It seems to me that your hook should either be the flying or, more likely, the journey to the new world. What is the Big Idea of this book? Why is it special? Do the one sentence exercise. If you had one sentence and only one to describe your book, would it be the cruise ship sinking?

"She is sure her parents know something but they absolutely refuse to say a word. Her dad has been acting strangely..." So, only the dad is acting strangely but she suspects both her parents? Why?

Ok, here's my two cents about the last name thing: my grandmother's name was DuBois but did anybody expect her to be an insane, fluttery Southern Belle? Not really. You seem to be setting up that the world Ceah leaves is like our own world. So why would her last name being associated with birds make her think it’s not weird she can fly? I’m missing the logic there.

VED- What does that stand for? You might want to tell the reader because my brain immediately went to some kind of STD and I’m pretty sure that’s not the association you’re going for.

Lastly, the best friend doesn’t really need to be in the query at all. You don’t mention her doing anything except going with Ceah so I’m not sure you really need to mention her at all. Also, Jackie Lato comes out of NOWHERE, tell us how she ties in with Ceah’s journey instead of just tacking Jackie's dilhemma on at the end.

Sorry for the length of this. It was slow at work so I had some time for in depth dissection today.

Just because I can't resist. Does VED stand for "Very Evil Dudes?"

I'm afraid I agree with everybody else's strictures on length, confusion, and names. Why don't you just drop the cruise ship entirely and have the Vulture yank her through the mirror? What's the point of her best friend, who doesn't seem to have any function in the plot? If it's just to be killed gruesomely, or kidnapped, or seduced by the Vulture, or some such, you could have her meet someone else in Sialia (a cousin?) who could do all that.

I may just have to change the names...
Jackie Lato and VED are important to the story.
And I don't know why people are thinking Ceah's "home world" is Sialia; it's not. And she's not half bluebird :] Maybe I'll change "Sialia" too. Actually I think I will...
I'm going to post a revised edition here.

Okay, Second Version. Please forgive the names, I haven't had time to think new ones out yet.
How do I get EE to put a "Feedback Requested" notice on his blog? Do I have to send him something? Meanwhile...

Ceah Chordata expects to be dead when the cruise ship she and her friend Lea are on sinks in a violent August storm.

Indeed, when the ship sinks, Ceah and Lea leave this world and enter another. However, it is not one filled with fluffy clouds or flames of damnation; instead, the friends find themselves in a world called Sialia, where the treachery of Ceah’s parents lingers heavily in the air. Ceah soon discovers many things about her situation, like the fact that she’s trapped in Sialia by the Isolation that surrounds it. Or maybe the part about her parents, who stole the Lis Stone, which was used to mark the founding of Sialia. Then there’s a shadowy figure calling himself the Vulture who is after her. She can fly at will. Also, the little blue rock she came across in a spare room the week before just happens to be the Lis Stone, which also happens to be trapping an ancient soul—the soul of a bluebird. She’s incredibly adaptive for a thirteen year old.

Meanwhile, dark forces are at work. V.E.D., an illicit organization with ties to the black market, is also after the Lis Stone. Jackie Lato, who is strangely obsessed with possessing it, is suspected (correctly) by other members of personal, ulterior motives. V.E.D.’s pursuit brings them into Sialia as well, with the aid of a Dagger, where Ceah, calling herself Raya Lye, is stepping on some very thin ice.

Bye Bye Bluebird is my first fantasy novel with a word count of 132, 000.

Thanks!!!!

A feedback request notice isn't needed when you're this close to the top. People will still be reading the comments.

Hi Ray,

Definite improvement. The query did raise several questions still, but I'll concentrate on just two things. First, what is a 13 year old doing on a cruise ship by herself (BFF doesn't count) or are her parents there? More importantly, I still don't have a sense of what sort of novel you've written. The voice is clear, but the plot direction isn't.

Is this just the setup for Ceah's amazing adventures as Raya? Is she trying to escape this world and get home? Is she trying to find out what happened with her parents and the Lis Stone? Does she join rebel forces to kill the Vulture? Or is she just wandering around and the cool things you've thought up happen to her (the most common first novel)?

You certainly know the answer, but I'm not getting it yet in the query.

Sorry, Ray, for me it still doesn't flow and you've missed out some of the good bits. I liked the Vulture appearing in the mirror and the blue feathers. They were interestingly weird.

Have you tried Miss Snark's formula?
"Starting point for creating a hook:
X is the main guy; he wants to do:
Y is the bad guy; he wants to do:
they meet at Z and all L breaks loose.
If they don't resolve Q, then R starts and if they do it's L squared."

At the moment your second and third paragraphs seem disconnected.

I also felt uncomfortable with Ceah "expects to be dead". For one thing, it doesn't seem to be the main point of the story and it comes right at the beginning. For another, it would sound more natural to me to say "thinks she is going to die", or similar. (But I'm a Brit, so it may just be me.)

Hi Ray,

Here's my suggestions:

Ceah knew when her dad started acting strangely, blue feathers appeared in the weirdest places and some strange guy named Vulture talked to her from inside her mirror that this was not going to be an ordinary month. In fact, she learns more in this one month than she has during the rest of her thirteen years. She can fly. She can leave this world and enter the world of Sialia. Her parents are wanted for treachery for stealing the Lis Stone which was used to mark the founding of Sialia. Vulture is not a nice guy. And that little blue rock she came across in the spare room last month just happens to be the Lis Stone, which also happens to be trapping the ancient soul of a bluebird.

Once inside Sialia, Ceah changes her name to Raya Lye to disassociate herself from her family. Blah, blah about what happens in Sialia with the bad guys.

Step back Ray, step back from the story. You are still standing in the middle of the forest describing trees.

Start out with Ceah and stay with her:
Rather than drowning when her cruise ship sinks, Ceah Chordata finds herself alive in the parallel world of Sialia.

That begins the fantasy with a bang. Now what is Ceah's next discovery?
When Ceah discovers that her family is despised on this world for having imprisoned a living soul in the all-powerful Lis Stone and fleeing to Earth, she resolves to "make things right".

Now that's too cliche to actually use in a query but it gets us into a linear storyline about Ceah.
What you need now, is a statement about the bad guys.
However, others want the Lis Stone and the power it represents. Jackie Leto and the Vulture want the power and are willing to do (what?). .

And the last element of the story is:
How does Ceah beat them and how does she restore her family name?

That's the short of it. I think her using a pseudonym is too much detail. The knife might also be too much story. Keep the English plain as Ceah is only 13 years old and I presume she doesn't discuss Proust, Nietsche or Camus. (sorry, I'm trying not to be a smartass. Those names just snuck in). You do tend to write upscale. I'm not sure if that is good or bad, really not sure.
But, this sentence is upscale: However, it is not one filled with fluffy clouds or flames of damnation; That's a great thought in other circumstances, but not in a query. It forces the reader to think of heaven and hell when you want their attention on Sialia. Don't use that type of "aside" if it draws attention away from your story. And if upscale is the wrong word, sorry. But don't distract from your story with your cleverness. Make every word and sentence focus on your story.

This is a list that isn't helping you:
1) Then there’s a shadowy figure calling himself the Vulture who is after her.
2) She can fly at will.
3) Also, the little blue rock she came across in a spare room the week before just happens to be the Lis Stone,
4) which also happens to be trapping an ancient soul—
5) the soul of a bluebird.





It's hard to recognize as a list but that's all it is. A good guide might be that if you feel the need to make a list, then you should rework the story's description to avoid the list.

Got to be honest -- if there's a character named 'Ceah' I'm slamming the book shut, especially if the next character is Lea.

134,000 for a first-time fantasy is usually a no-go with most agents.

While fantasy stories are allowed larger word counts, we're talking more in the 80,000-100,000 range, with about 120,000 tops.

So I think I'd cut about 20,000 words from your story.

If you can't figure out where to cut, consider putting the first chapter (or part of the first chapter) up on one of the crit sites. There's one at the Absolute Write forums (Share Your Work, password: vista), or you can try Electra's Crapometer (http://crapometer.blogspot.com). These might give you an idea of what needs to be cut.

As to the revised version...I'm still not getting it, sorry. I think you need to focus, focus, focus on Ceah (although I wondered, too, about a 13-year-old being on a cruise ship by herself, even with her friend; there has to be someone around who's at least 18 to look after her).

FWIW. Good luck! :-)

I'm assuming there's some sort of connection between Ceah, Leah, and the name of the new world: Sialia. Am I wrong? Should this connection be mentioned in the query? Gotta admit, all the names (and their similarities) turned me off. The idea of the book may be great, but if your readers are thrown every time they read a new name, they aren't likely to finish the damn thing.

Most of the time, odd names can be replaced with normal ones with no adverse effect on the story itself. I know you're trying to throw in bird references, but it's likely unnecessary.

Let us know when you have a revision... I look forward to reading it.

Version Three!

What would you do if you could fly?

Aged thirteen, Ceah is a human who has recently acquired this ability. She’s also started to see some bluebird feathers pop up here and there, met a man in her mirror called the Vulture, and found a little blue stone called the Lis, which means a lot to the Vulture and, strangely, her parents as well.

But there’s still some normality in Ceah’s life. She hasn’t been whisked away to a parallel world, for instance. And her parents are simply her parents, without shadowy pasts, not exiled from a different world. Right?

Wrong.

The Lis Stone brings Ceah into Alisia, where she assumes an alias just for fun. But her alias is much more useful than she could have imagined. Ceah soon discovers that Alisia is the home of her parents’ shadowy pasts and secrets—her parents, who were exiled for stealing the Founding Stone. Thanks to her alias, she is not killed immediately by the peaceful folk of Alisia. The Founding Stone contains the soul of a bluebird which was shot during its first flight, its sacrifice meant to spread the gift of flight throughout Alisia. The ones who are born with this gift are given the title “Fated to Be”, and Ceah just happens to be one of these. And the Lis Stone? The Lis Stone and the Founding Stone of Alisia are one and the same.

The Vulture is outraged. He feels he must have the Lis Stone at all costs. He decides to declare war, as Ceah refuses to surrender the Lis. The day before he declares this, however, three yachts sweep into Alisia containing the members of V.E.D., an illicit association that wants the Lis as well so they can sell it, and also bring along Ceah’s dear mom and dad as hostages. Ceah’s parents take a look at the situation and decide to tell Ceah everything. “Everything” includes the fact that the Vulture became possessed by part of the Lis’s soul (it wasn’t very happy about dying for a world) when he touched it, and that the Vulture is really Ceah’s grandfather.

Meanwhile, many people are trying to kill Ceah’s parents and figure out a way to avoid being killed by the Vulture's mysterious Army. And Ceah—can she free the souls of the Lis and her grandfather and set things right between the people of Alisia and her parents while staying in one piece?

It's double the length of the previous 2 versions, but I don't know what to do about that. The ending is pretty cheesy as well. I keep expecting to hear a voice bellow: "READ 'BYE BYE BLUEBIRD' TO FIND OUT!"
Again, thanks for all your advice!

Much better, author. It seems that you're getting the idea of 'the hook'. Remember, you don't need to tell the whole story. YOu don't need every detail. You definitely don't need to tell how it ends. That's for the synopsis. All you need to do is make it interesting enough to get asked for more.

The best education I ever got on query letters was Miss Snark's hook seminar (I don't remember what she called it). I'll bet it's in her archives. In it, she reviews hundreds of query letters and tells which ones were good, which sucked, and why.

Although no agent has bitten after requesting partials or fulls from me, I get lots of requests for them because I learned to write a good query with a strong hook.

Ray, thanks for posting the last version of the query. I know it is long, but it satisfied my curiosity far better than the earlier versions.

Here's one possibility, made up almost entirely of a subset of version 3. It's definitely not great, as I am not an experienced query writer, but it might give you ideas how to make it a bit shorter:

What would you do if you could fly?

Aged thirteen, Ceah is a human who has recently acquired this ability. She’s also started to see some bluebird feathers pop up here and there, met a man in her mirror called the Vulture, and found a little blue stone called the Lis, which means a lot to the Vulture and, strangely, to her parents as well.

But there’s still some normality in Ceah’s life. She hasn’t been whisked away to a parallel world, for instance. And her parents are simply her parents, without shadowy pasts, not exiled from a different world. Right?

Wrong.

The Lis Stone brings Ceah into Alisia, where she assumes an alias just for fun. But Ceah soon discovers that this world is the home of her parents’ secrets — her parents, who were exiled for stealing the Lis, which has its own history here.

Thanks to the unexpected protection of her alias, she is not killed immediately, which allows her to try to find a way to make things right between the people of this world and her parents. This is more dangerous than she anticipated, as the souls of the Lis and the Vulture are both bound up with her parents' fate. Ceah must struggle to free these souls -- while staying in one piece herself -- as war over the stone comes to formerly peaceful Alisia.

If the query is any indication, you can cut from your ms fairly easily. You've got a lot of extra words in your query. Not to say you need to cut your book savagely, but it does seem you can trim it down to a manageable level.

Here's my suggestion for tightening the latest query.

Aged thirteen, Ceah has recently acquired the ability to fly. She’s also started to see bluebird feathers pop up here and there, met a man in her mirror called the Vulture, and found the Lis, a little blue stone which means a lot to the Vulture and, strangely, her parents as well.

The Lis brings Ceah into Alisia. She discovers that Alisia is the home of her parents, who were exiled for stealing the Founding Stone, which contains the soul of a bluebird shot during its first flight. Its sacrifice spreads the gift of flight throughout Alisia. The Lis and the Founding Stone of Alisia are one and the same.

The Vulture declares war, as Ceah refuses to surrender the Lis. Three yachts sweep into Alisia containing the members of an illicit association that wants the Lis so they can sell it. And they’ve got hostages - Ceah’s mom and dad. Ceah’s parents decide to tell Ceah everything, which includes the fact that the Vulture became possessed by part of the Lis’s soul when he touched it, and that he is Ceah’s grandfather.

Many people are trying to kill Ceah’s parents and avoid being killed by the Vulture's Army. All Ceah wants to do is free the souls of the Lis and her grandfather and set things right between the people of Alisia and her parents while staying in one piece. Right.

THANKS YOU GUYS!

I do you have a question though, is a query like a teaser, sort of? Or is it like a short synopsis?

It's a one-page business letter that includes a short synopsis.

Yes, I'm back. I've shortened the query to 344 words, which is still too long. Anyways, here it is. Again.


How would your life change if you could fly?

Aged thirteen, Ceah Tearsen has recently acquired this ability, and her answer is “drastically”. But then, she’s also met a man in her mirror called the Vulture and found a little blue stone called the Lis, which means a lot to the Vulture.

Thankfully, there’s still some normality in Ceah’s life. She hasn’t been whisked away to a parallel world, for instance. And her parents are simply her parents, without shadowy pasts and dark secrets. Right?

Wrong.

The Lis Stone brings Ceah into Alisia, where she assumes an alias just for fun. But her alias turns out to save her, at least for a bit: Ceah soon discovers that her parents are notorious among the Lisians. They were exiled to Earth after stealing the Lis Stone, the most valued object in all of Alisia. It contains the soul of a bluebird which was shot during its first flight, its sacrifice meant to spread the gift of flight to certain people throughout Alisia. Assuming that the Lisians wouldn’t be exhilarated with her if they knew who she is and what she has, Ceah guards her secret while looking for a way back to Earth.

One person knows her secret, however. The Vulture. As Ceah refuses to surrender the Lis, he declares war and the Lisians must put off killing Ceah to defeat him. Then three yachts sweep in from Earth containing the members of an illicit association who want the Lis for money. They also bring hostages—Ceah’s parents, who take one look at the situation and decide to tell Ceah everything. “Everything” includes the fact that the Vulture is really Ceah’s grandfather. Which raises some moral issues in Ceah’s conscience.

Meanwhile, people are hatching plots to kill Ceah’s parents and avoid being killed by the Vulture’s army simultaneously—which doesn’t work well. As all begin to come together, Ceah realizes that the key to everything depends on one soul, one stone. But how does one go about setting the trapped soul of a bluebird free?

One particular problem. "Assuming that the Lisians wouldn’t be exhilarated with her if they knew who she is and what she has, Ceah guards her secret while looking for a way back to Earth." Is there something wrong with tense there? It's awkward, but I can't place if it starts at the "wouldn't" or "they knew"...

Thank you so very much

Not a synopsis. This revision is good but you've still got way too much plot detail. You don'tneed to tell everything that happens, and you're not obligated to tell how things turn out (that's for the synopsis). Check out Miss Snark's hook crapometer in the archives. Very educational when it comes to writing a brief, snappy query letter.

This is coming on but you still need to cut out some of those details, I think.

I've suggested what you might cut by putting it in italics below (my few added words or suggestions are in brackets):

How would your life change if you could fly?

Aged thirteen, Ceah Tearsen has recently acquired this ability, and her answer is “drastically”. But then, she’s also met a man in her mirror called the Vulture and found a little blue stone called the Lis, which means a lot to the Vulture.

Thankfully, there’s still some normality in Ceah’s life. She hasn’t been whisked away to a parallel world, for instance. And her parents are simply her parents, without shadowy pasts and dark secrets. Right?

Wrong.

The Lis Stone





(which) brings Ceah (her) into (an alternate world called) Alisia, where she assumes an alias just for fun. But her alias turns out to save her, at least for a bit: Ceah soon discovers that her parents are notorious among the Lisians. They were exiled to Earth after stealing the Lis Stone, the most valued object in all of Alisia. It (which) contains the soul of a bluebird which was shot during its first flight, its sacrifice meant to spread the gift of flight to certain people throughout Alisia. Assuming that the Lisians wouldn’t be exhilarated with her if they knew who she is and what she has, Ceah guards her secret while looking for a way back to Earth.

One person knows her secret, however. The Vulture. As Ceah refuses to surrender the Lis, he declares war and the Lisians must put off killing Ceah to defeat him. (I haven't any suggestions here, as I didn't understand why he declares war to get the Lis, but he's not on the side of the Lisians.) Then three yachts sweep in from Earth containing the members of an illicit association who want the Lis for money. They also bring(ing) hostages—Ceah’s parents, who take one look at the situation and decide to tell Ceah everything. “Everything” includes the fact that (who tell Ceah that )the Vulture is really Ceah’s (her) grandfather. Which raises some moral issues in Ceah’s conscience.

Meanwhile, people are hatching plots to kill Ceah’s parents and avoid being killed by the Vulture’s army simultaneously—which doesn’t work well. As all begin to come together, Ceah realizes that the key to everything depends on one soul, one stone. But how does one go about setting the trapped soul of a bluebird free?

(I don't know if this is any help, but it's just one way of looking at it.)

Author, are you thinking about cutting the MS itself at all?

Also, you've left off the genre and word count in the latest draft. You really do need those in there somewhere. (Agents will only be suspicious if you leave the word count out of the query).

Moth-

Well I'm not going to be like "Oh they won't accept it if it's too long so chop chop chop" and cut out parts. I'm going to try to shorten it, but if I really can't, then I'm not going to ruin it just so an agent will be more willing to look at it.

But Ray, if you make it too long and too detailed but still perfect, the agents may not even read the query.

Thank you, Dave F! We finally agree on something. :D

Ray, you could also split it into two 65k books and flesh it out to get them up to 75K each.

I'm sorry to keep harping on the word count but I just want you to get what a handicap 134K is going to be to you.

And to show you I'm not talking out my ass read these:

Nathan Bransford: http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/2008/02/novel-word-count.html

Jenny Rappaport:
"the word count for the novel is over 140,000 words by quite a bit... and it's an automatic pass for me. Shorter is better!"

The Rejector (an agent's slush reader):
"It is true that we get a little leery over 120,000, just because we know it's going to have that going against it when we go to sell it to a house. Also, it's going to be annoying to ship around and handle and copy-edit, because it's just going to be so large."



Just think about condensing it. Think about it really hard. That's all I'm saying.

Moth-

Thank you, I didn't doubt you, but I havent actually sat down and edited it a million times yet. Once I'm through with it *MUAHAHA* I suppose it will be in reasonable shape. 110K and below is OK, right?

LATEST QUERY VERSION AT 252 WORDS~!

Dear

I am interested in sending you a fantasy novel with a word count of [ ]

How would your life change if you could fly?

Aged thirteen, Ceah Tearsen has recently acquired this ability, and her answer is “drastically”. She’s also found a stone called the Lis, which brings her into Alisia. In this parallel world, she discovers that her parents were exiled to Earth after stealing the very same one she found. The Lis Stone contains the soul of a bluebird which was sacrificed, thus bestowing the gift of flight upon certain people throughout Alisia. Assuming that the Lisians wouldn’t be exhilarated if they knew the truth about her, Ceah guards her secret while looking for a way back to Earth.

One person knows her secret, however. The Vulture. He wants the Lis, but Ceah won’t give it up. The Lisians don’t want him to have it either, and in order to defeat him, they need Ceah. Yachts then sweep in from Earth with members of an illicit association who want the Lis for money. They bring hostages, Ceah’s parents, who take one look at the situation and decide to tell Ceah everything. “Everything” includes the Vulture’s true identity: Ceah’s grandfather.

As war is declared and all begin to fall into place, Ceah realizes that everything depends on the bluebird’s soul. All she needs to do now is set it free, preferably while staying alive.

Bye Bye Bluebird is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You might be able to boil this down further? Maybe:

Thirteen year old Ceah Tearsen has mysteriously acquired the ability to fly. Not only that, she’s found a stone with the power to transport her to the parallel world of Alisia.

There, Lis uncovers a secret. Her parents are Alisians. And thieves. They were exiled to earth after stealing the Lis Stone, a magical object which contains a bluebird’s soul and can bestow the gift of flight. The very same stone Ceah found.

Ceah guards the secret of her parentage as she searches for a way back home. But one person knows her true identity. The Vulture. He wants the Lis, but Ceah refuses to give it up.

The Vulture isn’t the only one seeking the Lis. Yachts from Earth arrive in Alisia. Aboard are members of VED, black marketers who know the Lis’s true worth. VED demand the Lis in return for the lives of two hostages- Ceah’s parents.

Ceah realizes that the lives of her parents and the future of Alisia depend on the bluebird’s soul. All she needs to do now is set it free, preferably while staying alive.

The 2007 Jane Addams Children’s Book Awards will be presented Oct. 19/07 in New York City. A Place Where Sunflowers Grow is one of this year’s winners! www.janeaddamspeace.org has more information on the 6 award winners this year as well as the previous winners.

Thanks for pointing that out, Corinne. Also, Weedflower by Cynthia Kadohata is one of the other 2007 award winners.

What a great topic to highlight. It would be interesting to see how many non WWII books there are out there on the topic of peace. I should do some scrounging around. Here in Canada, Deborah Ellis has published a number of books about middle east. The Breadwinner and Parvana’s Journey deal with a young girl growing up in Afghanistan. Mmmm. I’ll have to keep thinking about all this.

You raise an interesting point and if you do find anything interesting, do let us know. Thank you for pointing out Deborah Ellis’ books. She is a very powerful writer and you can read a bit of background to her Breadwinner Trilogy in an interview with her on PaperTigers. We will also be reviewing her most recent book, Sacred Leaf, in our next issue. The sequel to I Am a Taxi, it is all about conflict too, focussing on issues within Bolivia about the coca plant, and indirectly on the influence of the US on government policy…