Going to the grocery store is akin to walking down a city street where a guy in a pinstripe suit says, “C’mere… I needs to have a word witcha.” If you follow him down the dark alley, you’ll stumble back out pennyless.
A grocer is just a gangster in an apron. They act like your friend, but they are only there to rip you off.
Take toilet paper. We all need it, but they stymie you with choices and ridiculous descriptions that make no sense! Double rolls, triple rolls, soft, extra-super soft – what does all that mean? I got the Delicately Quilted Super Cuddly Teddy Bear Soft one time and it felt so good the whole pack was gone in a day. The kids wiped when they hiccuped just to feel it and our septic tank backed up from all the quilting. Forget that, now I buy the thinnest, coarsest paper I can find – single ply and unscented. The stuff lasts forever because it’s almost a punishment to go to the bathroom. Some kids refuse to use the toilet at school, mine hold it until they get there.
Another hang-up I have is laundry detergent. It’s so stinking expensive! It’s just soap! When did they start charging by the fragrance? My wife is very particular about her lavender scent. Me? I’m just partial to clean and really not immovable on that point. So, while at the store, I made the command decision that we needed a new scent at our house. Out with the lavender and in with the wonderful smell of whatever the store brand that’s half-price. It’s gotta be good, it says it is Trustworthy right on the box.
I worked out savings on paper products, hygiene, and hair care all before tackling food. 
There I found some pretty good bargains in meats. The store has this whole refrigerated section of half-priced meat. Some of it seemed slightly discolored and the expiration date was fast approaching. But as long as we cook it real well and have 3 – 5 pounds with every meal before Friday, we should be fine.
Yesterday’s bread – check.
Dented cans – perfect.
Brownish bananas – Viva Variety!
By the time I had my cart filled, I noticed the apron-clad robber standing in the dairy section watching me. He worked a toothpick with his stumpy fingers as he sized me up. The plethora of orange clearance labels in my cart told him I was onto his little game. We squared off like gunslingers in the Old West. Time stood still. Mothers pulled children out of the center aisle in slow motion, afraid of the impending showdown. From the back of the produce department I heard the signature ominous whistle and somehow, the slap of saloon doors. I cracked my neck, rolled my fingers, and readied for the call to draw.
But the old grocer was yella. I had him beat and he knew it.
I checked out to find I had shaved $87 from our weekly bill. Genius. Street genius. The little old lady behind me nodded proudly as she fingered through a thick wallet of neatly cut newsprint. Intrigued, I inquired about them and learned all about these things called coupons from my new friend, Mildred.
Turns out they save you even more money! Who knew?
“Hey Guido the Grocer, I’ve got a coupon-cutting date with Mildred on Saturday… After that, I’m coming back to town. And it ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
(This story would have ended happily if I hadn’t have changed scents. Turns out, my wife didn’t feel threatened at all by my new 84 year-old coupon girlfriend. She just really likes lavender.)
Photo by: By Bill Branson
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It Made Me Laugh 
Here are some cheap reads to feed your Kindle or Kindle app for the weekend! We’ve got a little bit of lovin’, and some YA PNR featuring everyone’s favorite supernatural being, the Grim Reaper!
When a Scot Loves a Lady: A Falcon Club Novel
by Katharine Ashe (.99)
London gossips are asking: What use has society of an exclusive gentleman’s club if no gentlemen are ever seen to pass through its door?
After years as an agent of the secret Falcon Club, Lord Leam Blackwood knows it’s time to return home to Scotland. One temptation threatens his plans—Kitty Savege. The scandal-plagued lady warms his blood like a dram of fine whiskey. But a dangerous enemy stands in the way of desire, and to beat this foe Leam needs Kitty’s help…
Kitty never wanted to spend her holidays in a wretched country village! With snow up to the windows, escape is nowhere in sight. A roguish Scottish lord, however, is. His rough brogue sends tingles of heat from Kitty’s frigid toes to her chilled nose, but she’s confident she can withstand that. What she cannot control is the reaction of her carefully guarded heart when she discovers this beast is, in fact, no beast at all…
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Too Scandalous to Wed
by Alexandra Bendict (only 1.99!)
HE MUST PROTECT HER FROM HIS PAST …
Unwilling to taint any woman with the terrible secret hidden in his heart, Sebastian, Viscount Ravenswood, has sworn never to marry. Luckily, whimsical Henrietta Ashby was never much of a temptation for the devilishly handsome rogue — until now. Suddenly, Henrietta has learned to seduce him with a bewitching charm … and cla
Here are some nicely priced romances to feed your Kindle or Kindle app!
Three books for the price of one! Elizabeth Boyle’s The Brazen Trilogy (The Brazen Series)
only $6.99!
A boxed set of Elizabeth Boyle’s wildly popular, Brazen series, including BRAZEN ANGEL, BRAZEN HEIRESS, and BRAZEN TEMPTRESS.
BRAZEN ANGEL: Lady Sophia D’Artiers plays a dangerous game of deception that pits her against the most unlikely of adversaries, her betrothed, Giles Corliss. Winner of the prestigious RWA RITA Award for Best First Book.
BRAZEN HEIRESS — Lady Lily D’Artiers is lured into spying by her childhood love, the bold and dashing Webb Dryden.
BRAZEN TEMPTRESS— Julien D’Artiers’ double life as the toast of the ton and an American privateer are about to collide when he finds himself face to face with the one woman who could unmask him: his wife.
Gentleman Says "I Do"
by Amelia Grey (only .99!)
Iverson Brentwood has finally met his match. Catalina Crisp heats his blood like no other lady. Her alluring countenance has stopped him dead in his tracks. But no matter how attracted he is to her, he can’t give into his desire to possess her in every way…she is the daughter of the man he’s sworn to destroy.
Catalina’s father is a well-known writer, but wastrel whose disappearances continuously put them close to destitution. Something drastic must change, so it is with quill in hand, that Catalina completes her father’s latest parody of Iverson and Matson Brentwood’s spectacular arrival in London. When the story hits the newsprint, a darkly handsome man is at her door, looking for her father.
Seeing the dashing rogue in the flesh, for a bewildering moment dallying with the rake seems like the perfect fictional escape—and it’s all she can do not to give into the madness of the intriguing man.
Here are some digital romance titles for your Kindle or Kindle app priced at less than 5 bucks each!
Matthew: The Circle Eight
by Emma Lang ($3.99)
A man learns to hold what is his
It is a vast spread in the eastern wilds of the newly independent Republic of Texas, the ranch their parents fought for … and died for. To the eight Graham siblings, no matter how much hard work or hard love it takes, life is unthinkable without family…
In the wake of his parents’ murder, Matthew Graham must take the reins at the Circle Eight. He also needs to find a wife in just thirty days, or risk losing it all. Plain but practical, Hannah Foley seems the perfect bride for him . . . until after the wedding night.
Their marriage may make all the sense in the world, but neither one anticipates the jealousies that will result, the treacherous danger they’re walking into, or the wildfire of attraction that will sweep over them, changing their lives forever.
Sugar Rush (Cupcake Club)
by Konna Kauffman ($3.99)
When baker extraordinaire Leilani Trusdale leaves New York City for Georgia’s sleepy Sugarberry Island, her past follows in the form of her former boss, Baxter Dunne. Baxter, otherwise known as Chef Hot Cakes, wants to film his hit cooking show in her tiny cupcakery. Last time they worked together, Baxter’s molten chocolate brown eyes and sexy British accent made Lani’s mouth water and her cheeks blush the colour of raspberry filling…Lani’s friends are convinced that this time around, Baxter is the missing ingredient in her recipe for happiness. But convincing Lani will be a job for Baxter himself. And he’ll need more than black velvet frosting to sweeten the deal…
By: Julie,
on 8/17/2012
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Here are some YA and MG Kindle books featuring dogs, all priced at below 5 bucks! Click on the title to order.
Boys Are Dogs (Annabelle Unleashed)
by Leslie Margolis (.99)
Middle-school boys act like wild animals.
That’s what Annabelle discovers on her first day in her brand-new life. Birchwood Middle School is totally different from her old all-girls elementary. In fact, lots of things in Annabelle’s life are totally different now that she’s back from summer camp. There’s mom’s new boyfriend, a new house, new friends—even a new puppy that likes to chew on Annabelle’s clothes. Well, at least the puppy comes with a leash and a training manual! If only she could say the same for the boys . . .
Featuring Annabelle’s hilarious take on friendship, boys, and her all-new life, this novel / survival guide perfectly captures the joy—and agony—of junior high school. And it might just teach you how to tame the wildest beast of all, the teenage boy.
What the Dog Said
by Randi Reisfeld ($1.99)
Ever since her police officer father was killed a few months ago, Grace Abernathy hasn’t wanted to do much of anything. She’s pulled away from her friends, her grades are plummeting . . . it’s a problem. The last thing Grace wants is to be dragged into her older sister Regan’s plan to train a shelter dog as a service dog. But Grace has no idea how involved she’ll get-especially when a mangy mutt named Rex starts talking to her. Has Grace gone off the deep end? Or might this dog be something really special-an angel? A spirit? Either way, he is exactly the therapy that Grace needs.
Me & Jack
Here are some cheap YA reads for the Kindle. There are some popular dystopian and fairy tale retellings going on the cheap!
All These Things I’ve Done (Birthright)
by Gabrielle Zevin ($2.99)
In 2083, chocolate and coffee are illegal, paper is hard to find, water is carefully rationed, and New York City is rife with crime and poverty. And yet, for Anya Balanchine, the sixteen-year-old daughter of the city’s most notorious (and dead) crime boss, life is fairly routine. It consists of going to school, taking care of her siblings and her dying grandmother, trying to avoid falling in love with the new assistant D.A.’s son, and avoiding her loser ex-boyfriend. That is until her ex is accidently poisoned by the chocolate her family manufactures and the police think she’s to blame. Suddenly, Anya finds herself thrust unwillingly into the spotlight–at school, in the news, and most importantly, within her mafia family.
Engrossing and suspenseful, All These Things I’ve Done is an utterly unique, unputdownable read that blends both the familiar and the fantastic.
Uglies (The Uglies)
by Scott Westerfield ($3.99)
Tally is about to turn sixteen, and she can’t wait. In just a few weeks she’ll have the operation that will turn her from a repellent ugly into a stunning pretty. And as a pretty, she’ll be catapulted into a high-tech paradise where her only job is to have fun.
But Tally’s new friend Shay isn’t sure she wants to become a pretty. When Shay runs away, Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world–and it isn’t very pretty. The authorities offer Tally a choice: find her friend and turn her in, or never turn pretty at all. Tally’s choice will change her world forever..
Pretties (The Uglies)
by Scott Westerfield ($3.99)
Gorgeous. Popular. Perfect. Perfectly wrong.
Tally has finally become pretty. Now her looks are beyond perfect, her clothes are awesome, her boyfriend is totally hot, and she’s completely popular. It’s everything she’s ever wanted.
But beneath all the
Drawn & Quarterly is also having a warehouse sale, with nearly all titles in stock 30-40% off. Lots of great stuff from Chester Brown to Lynda Barry to Kevin Huizenga.
Top Shelf has announced a big $3 sale for the next 10 days with various titles slashed and others going for as little as $3. There are some fantastic deals here — Tom Spurgeon has posted a $100 guide — and if you’ve been thinking about getting something but twiddling your thumbs, this is a great time to just do it.
For the next ten days — thru Friday September 24th — Top Shelf is having a giant $3 graphic novel web sale. When you visit the site, you’ll find over 100 graphic novels and comics on sale — with over 70 titles marked down to just $3 & $1!
But here are a few sample sale items:
– Slashed Prices: Lost Girls, Alec: The Years Have Pants!
– Slashed Prices: Essex County, Moving Pictures, BB Wolf!
– Slashed Prices: Owly Hardcovers and Plushy, Undeleted Scenes!
– Slashed Prices: Dodgem Logic, The Surrogates Owner’s Manual!
– Slashed Prices: The 120 Days of Simon, Far Arden, and more!
– $3 Titles: Voice of the Fire, The Surrogates (Vols 1 & 2)!
– $3 Titles: Sulk (Vols 1, 2, & 3), I Am Going To Be Small!
– $3 Titles: SuperF*ckers #1-#4, Lower Regions, Please Release!
– $3 Titles: Regards from Serbia, Delayed Replays, and more!
– $1 Titles: The Surrogates #1-#5, Black Ghost Apple Factory!
– $1 Titles: The Man Who Loved Breasts, Comic Diorama, 24×2!
– $1 Titles: Jack’s Luck Runs Out, Tales/Great Unspoken, & more!
Please note that Top Shelf accepts PayPal (as well as Visa, MasterCard, Amex, and Discover — all secure), and that this
sale is good for retailers as well (and comic book shops will get their wholesale discount on top of these sale prices).
Hahahahahaha priceless ;)
And yet so expensive 😉
I remember the TP in school that was so cheap it had wood splinters in it!!!
Wonder where I can find that!!
“Some kids refuse to use the toilet at school, mine hold it until they get there.”
You never fail!! Brilliant storytelling!! Thank you!!