Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.
I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.
Here is the film rating system we really need:
Rated A for An Animal is Harmed
As far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.
Rated B for British Accent Faked by American
I’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.
Rated C for Creepy Child Singing
You know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.
Rated D for Dialog by Committee
“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”
Rated E for Escape in front of Fireball
You know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.
Rated F for Fun Filled Frolic
If a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.
Rated G for Grab My Hand
Oh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!
Rated H for Hearts Pulled Out
A little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.
Rated I for Italian Stallion
Does this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.
Rated J for Jim Carrey
I need advanced notice so I can start running.
Rated K for Keyboard Hacks Network in 2 Clicks
Did you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?
Rated L for Lead Actors in Real-Life Romance
Real-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.
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The Librarian Avengers Film Rating System as of 1/1/1900
Since last we reported on Tr!ckster, the creator-driven pop-up/art gallery/store/wine bar that will be running all through Comic-Con, a lot has happened. We’ll be spotlighting some of it in a future post, but right this minute they have just announced a special event for Friday, July 22nd: a benefit for the Japan Society Earthquake Relief Fund featuring an art gallery tribute to the films of Akira Kurosawa.
The show will be free to enter but sale of art will benefit the fund.
PR below:
TR!CKSTER and The Criterion Collection have joined forces to curate a one-night-only celebration of the works of legendary director Akira Kurosawa. Cited as an inspiration to generations of storytellers, Kurosawa’s films resonate with a singular clarity of vision, and his images last in our minds long after the last frame has played.
This intimate show will feature original pieces by artists from the worlds of comics, animation, and illustration, including: Mike Allred, Scott C., Josh Cochran, Francesco Francavilla, Robert Goodin, Victor Kerlow, Ted Mathot, Scott Morse, Sho Murase, Bill Presing, Jim Rugg, Bill Sienkiewicz, and Connor Willumsen. All proceeds from sales of these works will be donated to the Japan Society Earthquake Relief Fund.
This is a special engagement gallery event, existing for one night only, with all proceeds to benefit the Japan Society Earthquake Relief Fund.
Art below: the
Kent Williams cover for the Criterion reissue of RASHOMON.
I’m looking forward to this. One of many anticipated events I want to go to.
I am there! cant wait!
Maybe its actually the adventures of
Rasho-man?
Now I’m glad I didn’t get Rashoman when I last went on a Kurosawa and Criterion binge. That cover is gorgeous.
Would’ve been more “Indie” if they went with Ozu instead…