Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.
I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.
Here is the film rating system we really need:
Rated A for An Animal is HarmedAs far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.
Rated B for British Accent Faked by AmericanI’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.
Rated C for Creepy Child SingingYou know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.
Rated D for Dialog by Committee“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”
Rated E for Escape in front of FireballYou know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.
Rated F for Fun Filled FrolicIf a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.
Rated G for Grab My HandOh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!
Rated H for Hearts Pulled OutA little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.
Rated I for Italian StallionDoes this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.
Rated J for Jim CarreyI need advanced notice so I can start running.
Rated K for Keyboard Hacks Network in 2 ClicksDid you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?
Rated L for Lead Actors in Real-Life Romance Real-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.
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