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Guess who’s coming over for dinner? It’s your mother-in-law. Are you excited? Well here are ten fortune cookie sayings that you might hear from your dear mother-in-law.

1.   You look like a bum. You smell like a bum. I guess you are a bum. I don’t mean to be rude.

2.   Get a job! Get off your butt! What’s the matter with you? Have a nice day.

3.   You call this cooking? What are you trying to do? Are you trying to poison me? I’ll just have some wine.

4.   Lose some weight! You look like my next door neighbor. They call him the Elephant Man.

5.   Why did you ever marry my daughter? Where did I go wrong? By the way, wash your face and comb your hair.

6.   Did you know that divorce is a seven letter word? You can use it in Scrabble or on some other occasion.

7.   I’m ill. Call my doctor! Call my lawyer! Call my psychiatrist! Just get off your ass and start calling.

8.   You’re not getting anything from me when I’m dead. I’ve written you out of my will. Now start massaging my feet.

9.   Did anyone ever tell you that you bear a striking resemblance to the picture of the serial killer that is terrorizing the city?

10. Good news! Someone is moving into your home to live with you. I’ll give you one guess.

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Guess who’s coming over for dinner? It’s your mother-in-law. Are you excited? Well here are ten fortune cookie sayings that you might hear from your dear mother-in-law.

1.   You look like a bum. You smell like a bum. I guess you are a bum. I don’t mean to be rude.

2.   Get a job! Get off your butt! What’s the matter with you? Have a nice day.

3.   You call this cooking? What are you trying to do? Are you trying to poison me? I’ll just have some wine.

4.   Lose some weight! You look like my next door neighbor. They call him the Elephant Man.

5.   Why did you ever marry my daughter? Where did I go wrong? By the way, wash your face and comb your hair.

6.   Did you know that divorce is a seven letter word? You can use it in Scrabble or on some other occasion.

7.   I’m ill. Call my doctor! Call my lawyer! Call my psychiatrist! Just get off your ass and start calling.

8.   You’re not getting anything from me when I’m dead. I’ve written you out of my will. Now start massaging my feet.

9.   Did anyone ever tell you that you bear a striking resemblance to the picture of the serial killer that is terrorizing the city?

10. Good news! Someone is moving into your home to live with you. I’ll give you one guess.

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Do you need an attorney? Who doesn’t need an attorney for some legal matter? Of course, attorneys charge a lot for their services. Here are ten humorous fortune cookie sayings with lawyers in mind:

1. If the suit fits, sue tomorrow.
2. You are about to come into a tidy fortune. Just ignore the banana peel on the marble floor until it is too late.
3. Would you like some black forest tort cake? I see. You would prefer just the tort.
4. You are about to learn more about cell technology. It is so fascinating that the subject will just imprison you.
5. Divorcing yourself from reality may not lessen your cost from your imminent divorce.
6. Beware of a guy named Mal. This is particularly true if his last name is Practice.
7. People shouldn’t judge you by your appearance unless you are picked out of a lineup.
8. Betty Lou would sure love to court you. However, if you  become unfaithful, she’ll see you in court.
9. You cannot replace your batteries in a case of assault and battery.
10. If you are drunk as a skunk and drive, you just might find yourself making the evening news by five.

Image via Wikipedia

Do you need an attorney? Who doesn’t need an attorney for some legal matter? Of course, attorneys charge a lot for their services. Here are ten humorous fortune cookie sayings with lawyers in mind:

1. If the suit fits, sue tomorrow.
2. You are about to come into a tidy fortune. Just ignore the banana peel on the marble floor until it is too late.
3. Would you like some black forest tort cake? I see. You would prefer just the tort.
4. You are about to learn more about cell technology. It is so fascinating that the subject will just imprison you.
5. Divorcing yourself from reality may not lessen your cost from your imminent divorce.
6. Beware of a guy named Mal. This is particularly true if his last name is Practice.
7. People shouldn’t judge you by your appearance unless you are picked out of a lineup.
8. Betty Lou would sure love to court you. However, if you  become unfaithful, she’ll see you in court.
9. You cannot replace your batteries in a case of assault and battery.
10. If you are drunk as a skunk and drive, you just might find yourself making the evening news by five.

• Because it shouldn’t be on your face
• It should be underneath a chicken
• It’s a ridiculously obscure metaphor
• There are a thousand better metaphors you could use
• Who decided that it was a good metaphor?
• If you say use the metaphor in conversation with someone who is unfamiliar with the phrase then you will look like a lunatic
• Why an egg?
• Why not a foetus?
• How did it get there?
• Is there bacon, too?
• Saying it is probably more humiliating than what caused you to say it in the first place
• You should be more worried about getting the egg off your face than talking about it being there
• Is it possible to remove the egg?
• If not, could you pay someone to remove it?
• Are you more or less attractive to the opposite sex if you have egg on your face?
• Could you function in normal society if it proved impossible to remove the egg?
• Can anyone get egg on their face, or just particularly unfortunate people?
• What form is the egg in? An uncooked egg, retaining its shell and defying gravity (unless you are lying down), is even more weird than a fried or raw egg
• Is it possible to eat the egg?
• If not, what would happen if you did?
• Would it be possible to use the egg as an ingredient to make other things?
• What is more embarrassing than having egg on your face?

• Because it shouldn’t be on your face
• It should be underneath a chicken
• It’s a ridiculously obscure metaphor
• There are a thousand better metaphors you could use
• Who decided that it was a good metaphor?
• If you say use the metaphor in conversation with someone who is unfamiliar with the phrase then you will look like a lunatic
• Why an egg?
• Why not a foetus?
• How did it get there?
• Is there bacon, too?
• Saying it is probably more humiliating than what caused you to say it in the first place
• You should be more worried about getting the egg off your face than talking about it being there
• Is it possible to remove the egg?
• If not, could you pay someone to remove it?
• Are you more or less attractive to the opposite sex if you have egg on your face?
• Could you function in normal society if it proved impossible to remove the egg?
• Can anyone get egg on their face, or just particularly unfortunate people?
• What form is the egg in? An uncooked egg, retaining its shell and defying gravity (unless you are lying down), is even more weird than a fried or raw egg
• Is it possible to eat the egg?
• If not, what would happen if you did?
• Would it be possible to use the egg as an ingredient to make other things?
• What is more embarrassing than having egg on your face?