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I’ve been duped. Tricked. Lied to. Taken for a ride to disappointmentville by a fancy I’ve held for years. In reality no one told me a falsehood. Like most times I find myself disillusioned, I did it to myself. A starry-eyed dreamer, I tend to put things onto such a pedestal that once attained, they can’t measure up to expectations.

Who can forget the Chia Pet of the 70′s that I saved and saved for. Don’t even get me started on sea monkeys. I had such high aspirations for them after seeing them on the back page of Mad Magazine. The promise of joy died quickly because the only time they moved was when I shook them out of the bag into their simulated habitat. Ant farms, the bass guitar, a shiny pastel jacket that I thought would be an absolute chick magnet. I was amazed when I found that on the discount rack and wore it proudly to school with my sleeves pushed up, only to find that the world had moved past Crockett, Tubbs, Miami Vice, and the style I flaunted. That first new car I had to have post-college before I understood the stranglehold sixty easy payments could be. I won’t even mention women of my youth, like Hilda* the friendly barkeep. For a foolish lad, women are the most dangerous sort of thing to deify.

I could go on. There have been a litany of things I prized – nah, idolized – right up until I got my grubby mitts on them.

And so, now, I am disappointed with baldness. I have always wanted to shave my head but been dissuaded by my lovely wife, who likes hair on my head, but not on my chin. If you recall my rant about Tom Selleck, I have never truly been satisfied with my hair. Current circumstances gained me quick approval to remove it and I did so excitedly.

I don’t like it and here are my grievances:

1. I always assumed it would be low maintenance. It is not. To my dismay, the hair on my head grows as fast as the hair on my chin. Who knew?

2. I thought it would save money – no shampoo, conditioner, or gel. See complaint number one, razors aren’t cheap and every shave seems to chew through one.

3. Who knew the skin under my hair was even pastier than the rest of me? I’m told paint stores can mix approximately 140 shades of white, welcome to Pure White.

4. When I was twelve, my football team had to get me an adult helmet, then pad the sides because my cranium was so long. Any time I hit someone, the thing wobbled side to side. Head shapes don’t change, they just expand. Let’s play a little game, shall we? I like to call it:

 “Which one is Mark’s head?”

♦

Surprisingly difficult, is it?

So you can see why I’m disappointed. Like most broken things in my life, I have no one to blame but myself. I lifted baldness onto a throne it simply cannot occupy. Fortunately, I can grow my hair out to fix this monstrosity…but not quite yet. Part of me feels a little like a rebel since this has been against the marital rules for so long. And that, I like.

*Name changed to protect my stupidity

I was at home the other day, just sitting down to have lunch, when the telephone rang.I picked it up and the male caller immediately launched into his obviously well-rehearsed spiel, informing me that he was from blah blah research company who are conducting a survey about blah blah and would I mind answering a few questions about blah blah?

Now normally I would make an excuse to get out of this chore, especially as he offered me no incentive such as a free cinema ticket or something else of interest.Perhaps I was just in a good mood, because  I heard myself say:  “O.K.”

He then casually asked me my age and I answered honestly that I am 52.Well my 53rd birthday isn`t till august 29th (yes I share the same  birthday with the late great Michael Jackson, although he was two years younger).

That`s when the bombshell hit! There was an audible sigh on the other end of the line, a muttered reply of “never mind” and then a click as HE HUNG UP ON ME!

There I was left with the receiver to my ear and my good mood shattered!Suddenly I lost my appetite for lunch, my bones seemed to start creaking and I felt depressed.Am I that old? Does my opinion really have no value anymore?

The only other time I felt so deflated was when I once jokingly said to a teenager who was playing a game of pool: “You`re dropping dandruff on the table” as I pointed to the sprinkling of white chalk dust on the green baize.He immediately retorted:”Well at least I have enough hair to have dandruff!”

Touche! or should that be Toupee!?

Image via Wikipedia

I was at home the other day, just sitting down to have lunch, when the telephone rang.I picked it up and the male caller immediately launched into his obviously well-rehearsed spiel, informing me that he was from blah blah research company who are conducting a survey about blah blah and would I mind answering a few questions about blah blah?

Now normally I would make an excuse to get out of this chore, especially as he offered me no incentive such as a free cinema ticket or something else of interest.Perhaps I was just in a good mood, because  I heard myself say:  “O.K.”

He then casually asked me my age and I answered honestly that I am 52.Well my 53rd birthday isn`t till august 29th (yes I share the same  birthday with the late great Michael Jackson, although he was two years younger).

That`s when the bombshell hit! There was an audible sigh on the other end of the line, a muttered reply of “never mind” and then a click as HE HUNG UP ON ME!

There I was left with the receiver to my ear and my good mood shattered!Suddenly I lost my appetite for lunch, my bones seemed to start creaking and I felt depressed.Am I that old? Does my opinion really have no value anymore?

The only other time I felt so deflated was when I once jokingly said to a teenager who was playing a game of pool: “You`re dropping dandruff on the table” as I pointed to the sprinkling of white chalk dust on the green baize.He immediately retorted:”Well at least I have enough hair to have dandruff!”

Touche! or should that be Toupee!?

Image via Wikipedia