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A lot of people come to this blog with the same question.

“Aaron,” they ask, “what should I do if I get attacked by a shark?”

Now I’ve seen most of the TV edit of Deep Blue Sea on TBS, and while I’ve only caught the beginning of Jaws: The Revenge, I’m generally a fan of Mario Van Peebles, so I think I know how that one turns out (Peebles: 1, Shark: 0). In short, I’m just as qualified as anyone in teaching the art of shark survival. Yes, I am aware that National Geographic claims they’ve got a corner on this market, but these are also the bums who haven’t sent you a wicked cool holographic skull cover in more than 20 years. With cinema like Saw 3-D out there, a National Geographic might as well be an issue of Highlights, without all those gnarly hidden picture games. It’s certainly not the periodical to pull out when a hammerhead is getting all gory on your metatarsal. For that, you come to me. But first we have to establish a couple things.

Is the shark biting you right now? If you answered yes, then my suggestion is that you move your smart phone or laptop to your weak hand, freeing the dominant one up for some Three Stooge moves. While doing this, you might be able to distract the shark by asking it if it would like to check its email. Chances are the shark doesn’t have an email account, and even if it does, it’s probably a compuserve one that it hasn’t checked in forever, but you’ll catch the old gill-breather off guard for a second while it considers the fact that banking online really does free up more minutes in your day.

How long have you known the shark? I ask you this because they often pose a similar question on Cops and it’s a good way to determine the nature of domestic relationships. If you answered “my whole life,” then I know there are gonna be a few emotional issues here, especially if things get to the point where I have to suggest that you stab the shark in its reproductive organs. Then again, if you answer “we just met at a coral reef a few minutes ago,” then I’m going be wondering if I’m getting the whole story. I mean, what type of coral reef are we talking about? Are there any jelly fish at this reef I should be aware of? Do I have to tip the guy that drives the boat for the snorkeling trip? What about the kid that hands out the masks? I mean, he’s just a kid and he’s not really doing anything. Questions can be like dominoes.

Now that we’ve assessed the situation, I’m going to run through the steps of surviving a shark attack:

1. Don’t play dead. Besides drowning, you’ll run the risk of having some hillbilly shark putting you on stick and then chasing his friends around and saying stupid things like, “I’ma smear some Roger on ya!” This is especially true for people named Roger.
2. If you usually tell neighborhood bullies that you know martial arts, now would be a good time to admit that you don’t. Bruce Lee yowls and board chopping will only serve to embolden a shark. And sharks have devised an effective strategy to combat roundhouse kicks. It’s called biting your leg off.
3. However, fans of roundhouse kicks shouldn’t be shy about working Road House into the conversation. Sharks loooove Road House and while they’re amusing themselves with lines like
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