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Guess the Plot

Death and Taxes

1. All work and no pay. A penny saved is a penny earned. Just do it. Another day older and deeper in debt. The sky is falling. Another day, another dollar. Farmer Bob Jones deconstructs popular economic theories as he drives his combine across Kansas.

2. Jim "the butcher" Takamini has the Yakuza horning in on his sushi business. But when the IRS decides to do an audit, he learns there's one thing even more inevitable than death and taxes: the wrath of his mother-in-law.

3. Tax collector Ryan Conner doesn't know why no one in Colmera Springs ever pays taxes, but he's going to put a stop to it, even if it means throwing the whole town into jail. Maybe Conner would have thought twice if he'd known the truth: that the residents of Colmera Springs are all . . . zombies!

4. A glamrock tribute band from Des Moines gets attacked by a skinhead mob in the reptile house of the Amsterdam zoo. When they flee through the red light district, a chance encounter with an IRS agent and a Puerto Rican undertaker becomes their only hope of getting safely back to Des Moines.

5. Desperate for revenue, the federal government pushes through legislation that makes "you can't take it with you" legally binding. Souls are not allowed to pass on until all taxes are settled in full. But Harry Needleman would rather spend eternity in limbo than let the government get its hands on his last fifty dollars.

6. Jacqueline poisons her husband, Jerome, to collect on his $100,000 insurance policy. But getting away with murder isn't all it's cracked up to be when it turns out Jerome owes over $200,000 in back taxes. Not only that, it turns out the IRS is more irritating than Jerome ever was.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would like to offer my manuscript, Death and Taxes, complete at 55,000 words, to you for review and consideration for representation.

No one in the forgotten town of Colmera Springs has paid taxes in 160 years. [160 years ago, no one in any U.S. town was paying taxes. The income tax became constitutional in 1913. There were brief periods of income tax from 1862 - 68, and 1894- 95. Internal taxes on tobacco and alcohol existed in various periods, but 160 years ago, government was financed by tariffs on imported goods.] No one has ever come to collect, and no one there ever bothers to file. Toby, Danita and the other residents would rather just play a game of Eats with whoever happens by.

Ryan Conner is a tax collector. Armed with rubber stamp, ballpoint pen, and his new secretary Clarice, he greatly enjoys serving notices and seizing assets. The fact that his newest target – Colmera Springs – is inhabited by zombies makes no difference. [Or does it? If you died last year you have to pay taxes on last year, but if you died 160 years ago, I think you're clear.] They didn't even bother to file an extension! [Of course zombies don't file; the tax laws for zombies are too strict. For instance, to take the deduction for business meals, a zombie is required to obtain a receipt from the person whose brains he eats. And don't get me started on Schedule Z, Depreciation of Body Parts.] At the first sight of Toby, Clarice is more than ready to leave the mountain town, go home and find a new job. Her boss however, never backs down, and he has the keys to the car.

Ryan ends up infected [Zombiefied. If you don't use the technical terminology you look like a hack.], Clarice and her boyfriend Nick are taken for questioning when the government steps in, and most of the zombies are shot in the head. Everyone is taken underground to the Tau Seven Research Facility.

Observations and testing quickly commence using everything from samples, [Samples of what?] to parfaits,

[Sir, we've captured a zombie. Shall we begin testing to determine how he was able to reanimate?

Later. First let's observe his reaction to a strawberry parfait.]

to ballpoint pens that attract zombies. Clarice and Nick attempt an escape that results in a cascade of system failures – effectively letting Toby and Danita out of their cells. The last survivors of Colmera Springs repopulate their numbers utilizing research personnel.

With new freedom, Toby seeks out his own ballpoint pen while Danita quickly organizes a new game of Eats. Clarice and Nick must now try and escape the facility while playing fetch for the surviving scientists who want data tapes and the UCK (Universe Creation Kit). [You're losing me.] Soon however, everyone involved – human and living dead alike – must deal with Ryan. He has succumbed to his infection, but retained his identity. As he is now both Death and Taxes, nothing stops him.

For over a decade I have paid taxes, and am well familiar with how annoying they are. I have even used ballpoint pens when needed, and the occasional rubber stamp. During my three years as a chaplain, I have also been around a number of corpses (though none have [has] walked, yet). [As a chaplain you should know enough to call them vitality-challenged beings, rather than corpses. I mean, would you speak to a group at a viewing by saying, Joe was a wonderful man and it would please him greatly to know so many of you have turned out to see his corpse.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send a copy of the completed manuscript for your review. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It should be shortened. I would ditch the part about being held captive for experiments and escaping. After the long Ryan paragraph you can say something like:

The government steps in to help clean up Colmera Springs, but for every zombie they kill, Toby and Danita manage to zombiefy two government agents. When Taxman Ryan is himself zombiefied, both humans and undead are in trouble, for Ryan is now the most unstoppable force on the planet: Death and Taxes. Can Toby and Danita somehow destroy Ryan and salvage their freedom from taxation?

Of course that Death and Taxes line is basically just a gag, but I get the impression it's a gag in the book as well. On the other hand it's pretty lame, so maybe you sould at least ditch it from the query.

The part about government experiments has a more serious tone than the opening. It seems to have switched from a comedy to a thriller. Possibly you can pull that off in the book, but I'd stick with one genre in the query.

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Hey guys! I know its been a while :(
Heres a t-shrit design I submited in to an on going t-shirt compatition over at Design by Humans. The winner get his or her design put on an actual t-shirt and they will sell them on the site. Check it out over HERE!

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Nothing to wear for Halloween yet? No worries, your Halloween masks are here!
Pick your choice (these are downloadable PDF’s):

Halloween Pumpkin
Cat
Cantinflas, the Charles Chaplin of Mexico.
Werewolf, although a rather nerdy one
Teen Zombie
Little Witch
The Mexican Muralist Diego Rivera
Calaverita or sugar skull
Olmec head, Cabeza Olmeca, pre-Hispanic head sculpture

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By Michelle Lana

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Before biting into that yummy milk chocolate, please don't forget to check and examine all of your candies! Make sure to eat only those treats in original, unopened packages. Have a safe and happy halloween!

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~oddvanish

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Guess the Plot

Zombie Stakeout

1. Dana's aunt mail-ordered a husband, but the man seems to be a zombie, and he's not the only one in town. The living dead are growing in numbers, and the only way Dana can uncover the mastermind is to make a deal . . . with the vampires.

2. When Benny Johnson and his partner stop for dinner before the biggest stakeout of their lives, Benny orders eggs, and his partner orders . . . brains. Soon Benny finds out why. Jeez, ya think ya know someone.

3. Boggy John didn't spell real good, but he had a knack for grilling steaks. Once people found out Zombie Stakeout was a restaurant, Boggy had more business than he could handle. But would they keep coming if they found out where he got his meat?

4. Petra is determined to catch the killer who has been decimating the population of Shady Oaks Retirement Village. And this time, she has the right bait: Fresh brains! If she doesn't catch the real killer soon, however, she's going to prison for a long, long time.

5. Mossy Dan and the risen dead have tired of pizza. Now they're headed for the local Sizzler. But will they indeed consume the succulent beef they set out for? Or will they settle for the meal they grew tired of before they grew tired of pizza . . . human brains? The impromptu health inspection they stage at the restaurant will give them the answer.

6. Plucky teenager Zenobia Schwartz battles the zombies who have invaded her Connecticut prep school. Inspired by historic tales, she places the heads of decapitated zombies on her school fence to deter others. But she has a better idea when she spots an ant hill out front.



Original Version

CIA agents. Vampires. Zombies. Mail order spouses. Welcome to [Evil Editor's blog.] Lowersex…

Mediating between her psycho dad and suspected vampire teens, Dana Spark is offered a job with a paranormal investigation agency. But her youth is exploited, ordered to infiltrate the emo subculture—not her idea of a good time. And there's the risk of becoming a donor for bloodsuckers, with no guarantee of compensation. [We're moving too fast here. What exactly is she mediating? She's offered a job while mediating?

Okay, Dad, you sit on this side of the table. Vampires, that side. With fangs retracted, please. Thank you. Now, before we--

Ms. Spark? Sorry to interrupt--

Who are you?

I'm with Monster.com. It's about the résumé you posted last week?

Did she accept the job offer despite the extreme drawbacks, and if so, why? Fill in the cracks.]

Meanwhile, the man that Dana's aunt mail-ordered seems to be a zombie, and he's not the only one in Lowersex. The living dead are growing in numbers, [Finally a true zombie book, instead of one of those cheap imitations with one bit part for a zombie.]

[This being a short query, we have room for . . . Quotes from the movie My Boyfriend's Back:

Mrs. Dingle: Dr. Bronson, the reason I called is that our son Johnny... died the other day, and I was wondering if you could take a look at him... Would you like to talk to him? Sure. Johnny?

Dr. Bronson: Okay, well, you're dead. Which is unusual, because we don't normally see this much activity in a dead person.

Missy: Johnny, hi! Uh, listen, I think it's really great that you're back from the dead and all, but I've got gym.

Dr. Bronson: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your boy is very sick. He's lost a massive amount of blood, and his pulse and retinal response are poor, and as you can see there's an axe sticking out of his head.

Johnny: It's because I'm dead, isn't it. That's why you won't go out with me.
Missy: Don't insult me.
Johnny: You're afraid of what people might say, aren't you. Behind your back, everybody whispering, 'there goes Missy and the dead kid'!

Buck Van Patten: You think you can hang out with us decent living folks like you're still alive or something?
Johnny: Why is everyone making such a big deal about this? I've only been dead ONE DAY.

Johnny: What?
Eddie: What do you mean, what? You just tried to take a bite out of my arm!

Big Chuck: Is there anyone in my family you DON'T plan to eat?

Reporter Brenda: We just received word that some sort of tragedy has happened in the high school today.
Sheriff McCloud: No, nothing unusual.
Reporter Brenda: I was referring to the slaughter.
Sheriff McCloud: Right, well, there was that.]

and the mastermind is likely a bloodsucker. But to uncover the true culprit, Dana must make a deal with the vampires' emperor that will cost more than just her blood—it could screw up the rest of her life. As if her paranoid CIA parents weren't trouble enough…


Notes

This is just the plot part of the query, as the credits are the same as the author's previous queries (426, 427, 428).

As with the others, it's not telling us the story, just touching on highlights. Sort of like listing quotes from a movie.

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Ever had your credit card stolen?

I got robbed a couple weekends ago and somebody took my card for a run. I wish I could be more like Jeff Barnosky and turn it into a Philip Roth-esque ride through a society built on shaky credit. 

Speaking of money problems, Edward Champion just wrote a fierce essay about his ethical position as a reviewer in this new media world where journalistic rules can too easily be broken: "I do not care if I am forced to live on a diet of Top Ramen or if I must pay my rent by sifting through the coins in my piggy bank. I would sooner pump gas or work retail somewhere than allow myself to be corrupted like this. Let it stand for the record that my opinion cannot be purchased."

In 2003, Kevan Davis built a zombie Infection Simulation. The simple game allowed you to control the spread of zombies within a crowded urban area, bring the curse of the undead to an imaginary population of pink dots. It is surprisingly addictive and may help you write a very morbid story. (Thanks, SF Signal)

 

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For a Manitoban article. I haven't actually read the story yet, but I was told it was about the popularity of certain monsters. The person requesting the illustration (not the author) told me that the Frankie in the story was "one part charles manson, one part
oprah, one part einstein, and one part "journey" (the band)."
I gave him a Charlie shirt. She liked it. :)
See the large version here.
EDIT: The story can be found here.

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In this week’s show: This week’s show is dedicated to my Hawaiian colleagues: Mahalo to my Hawaiian colleagues and friends especially Liana Honda, JoAnn Wong-Kam, Anna Sumida, Alice Kimura, Joyce Ahuna-Ka’ai’ai, Meleanna Meyer, Kathy Wurdem, Avis Masuda, and Malia Chong. This show is dedicated to you! I left Hawaii in awe of your passion, and commitment [...]

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