Sha-Do: What’s she doing?
Fog-Gi: I’ve no idea.
Sha-Do: It’s not time for her mid-morning nap.
Fog-Gi: Nor her mid-afternoon nap.
Sha-Do: Can’t be her early evening nap either.
Fog-Gi: But she’s lying down.
Sha-Do: On the floor.
Fog-Gi: She never takes a nap on the floor.
Sha-Do: And look at that grimace on her face.
Fog-Gi: Hmm…she doesn’t notice us.
Sha-Do: Hey, what if I jump up on the banister…
Fog-Gi: …nothing.
Sha-Do: OK, what if I get up on the couch…
Fog-Gi: …nothing.
Sha-Do: So what if…
Fog-Gi: Wait a minute. You’re having all the fun…it’s my turn…
Sha-Do: What are you going to do?
Fog-Gi: I know… the kitchen counter…
Sha-Do: …nothing! Hey this is cool.
Fog-Gi: Way cool!
Sha-Do: What do you think happened?
Fog-Gi: No idea… why don’t you research what might have caused her to writhe like that on the floor and then we can do it again…
Sha-Do: …and again…at will. OK, let me see…
Fog-Gi: How about the cupboard. I’m going to try that.
Sha-Do: Hmm…what did she do differently…hmm…
Fog-Gi: I’m inside and I’ve got all the plastic bags out…scrunch…scrounch…
Sha-Do: Let’s see…how long has she been down there?
Fog-Gi: Hee hee, look at me, I’m stretched out on the coffee table.
Sha-Do: Since the morning I’d say…so maybe something she did yesterday?
Fog-Gi: Wheeeee…I’m half way to the ceiling climbing up the window screen…
Sha-Do: The guests were still here yesterday, they all barbecued outside while we were locked up in the bedroom…
Fog-Gi: Hey, hey, hey…I’m all the way up the curtain…
Sha-Do: Hmm…hang on a sec…I’m doing all the hard work. Get down here and help me.
Fog-Gi: Wheeeeeee…I’m sailing through the air…
Sha-Do: Stop that and help me figure this out or else…
CRASH…BANG…BLUP.
Fog-Gi: OUCH! Mrrrowwww.
Sha-Do: You prize idiot! You’ve broken the vase. Now look what you’ve done, she’s getting up from the floor.
Fog-Gi: Not moving very fast…and with one hand on her back…she…how’s she…ha ha ha
Sha-Do: Oh no, oh no, she’s reaching for the water spraygun…
Fog-Gi: Guess she can use that with one hand…MEEEEEEOOOOWWW!
Sha-Do: Serves you right! HEY! She’s coming after me too…! MRROWWW!
Fog-Gi: OK…OK…she’s crumpled onto the floor again.
Sha-Do: Guess we should take this game out of her sight.
Fog-Gi: What can we do?
Sha-Do: I know…let’s play on the computer…she hasn’t been there in days…
Fog-Gi: Cool idea…she can’t see us up here…
Sha-Do: Hello all you peeps in blogland…
Fog-Gi: Rilla can’t come to the computer right now…
Sha-Do: She’s stuck on the floor with an icepack on her back…
Fog-Gi: Yup! And you’re stuck with us!
--
Fog-Gi: What is that?
Sha-Do: I don’t know…some kind of colors in a pattern on a sheet of paper.
Fog-Gi: Yeah, but what is it?
Sha-Do: I said I don’t know. She’s been staring at it for a long time. First she smiles, then she goes all teary, then she smiles again, now she’s laughing…weird!
Fog-Gi: Maybe it’s something magical…has some strange power over her to make her nutty.
Sha-Do: You think she needs magic to make her nutty…hey look, there’s writing on the back of the card.
Fog-Gi: What does it say?
Sha-Do: Lost…in…the…Woods…
Fog-Gi: Huh?
Sha-Do: That’s what it says…Lost in the Woods
Fog-Gi: That’s her all right. Just hope she gets out of the woods in time to feed us. I’m getting hungry.
Sha-Do: I’m guessing lunch is late today. That image has a hold of her…the magic must be terribly strong.
Fog-Gi: Rrrrr…
Sha-Do: Stop growling at me…it’s not my fault…
Fog-Gi: I’m not growling, you idiot…that’s my stomach.
Sha-Do: Should we try calling her…meow…? Hm…nothing. Meoow…?
Fog-Gi: I know. I’ll jump up here on the banister. She’s sure to notice that and come get me down like she always does. Can’t believe she thinks I’ll fall over…I mean…I’m a CAT, for crying out loud…here rilly, rilly, rilly, here, I’m on the banister…come get me…I’m dying of hunger…
Sha-Do: Nothing! She didn’t even hear the racket you made jumping up…a wonder, given you’re so clumsy…she still hasn’t noticed you’re there…hmm. That magic’s very strong. There’s more writing there on the back of that thing, maybe it’s a spell…you know…spellbinding…get it…spell…
Fog-Gi: WILL YOU STOP BEING CUTE AND JUST READ IT OUT, ALREADY? I’m dying of hunger here. We need to break that spell somehow…
Sha-Do: Let’s see…The pattern used in Lost in the Woods is a key pattern made up of two interlocking components. Many European, Asian and Native-American artisans have used these designs through the centuries.
Fog-Gi: Through the centuries…I think that means it’s very old.
Sha-Do: Yeah…duh! This particular design was invented by the pre-Celtic Pictish peoples of Britain (200-900AD) …yadda, yadda, yadda…doesn’t sound like a spell…
Fog-Gi: I don’t get it. It doesn’t look old. It looks brand new – the paper’s sparkling white and the colors are brilliant…
Sha-Do: Here’s something else – a number – on the front -- 8/200.
Fog-Gi: My math’s never been any good. No idea what that boils down to.
Sha-Do: Let’s see – 8 divided by 200 is the same as 4 divided by 100 – is the same as 2 divided by 50 – is oh no, ouch…never got far with fractions – but there’s more writing.
Fog-Gi: She’s sighing…
Sha-Do: This is a signed, numbered, limited edition giclee print of the original ink on raw canvas painting…
Fog-Gi: Painting? Hey! She’s getting out of her chair. Lu-u-u-nch!
Sha-Do: NO! She’s going over to the phone.
Fog-Gi: Look, here’s the envelope that thingey came in…it’s got bubble wrap…yay! Pop! Pop! Pop!
Sha-Do: The thingey has a name on the front…it says L. E. Smith.
Fog-Gi: That’s funny…the envelope says Lorna Smith in the corner…Pop!
Sha-Do: Will you stop that…here…let me have it.
Fog-Gi: NO! It’s mine.
Sha-Do: Then I get the magic paper.
Fog-Gi: NO! I want it… you’ve had it all this time.
Sha-Do: Let go of it you idiot…it’s mine…
Fog-Gi: You’re a magic hog. I want some now…
Sha-Do: Mrrrrow!
Fog-Gi: Meeooow!
Sha-Do: Mine! Go get your own magic.
Fog-Gi: Selfish pig…give me some of yours…
Sha-Do: Oh no! Now look what you’ve done!
Fog-Gi: That wasn’t me, that was you…shh…she’s speaking on the phone. Let’s get out of here before she notices you’ve lost Lost in the Woods…
Sha-Do: At least now it looks very old …the way it says on the back…
Fog-Gi: Hmm…can’t read the back anymore…
rilla: Hello? Lorna! The print’s beautiful…you shouldn’t have…I’m all choked up…I don’t know what to say…it’s not even my birthday…or anything…thank you! … Yeah! It arrived just fine. The packing was perfect. No…not a scratch. I’m going to frame it right away…before the cats can get near it…
Thank you Lorna, and all my friends, for being so AMAZING.
In the lottery of friendship…I sure won the jackpot…love ya’ll!
And no, the painting’s fine. It’s way out of reach of the cats…I promise.
Elvis – The Real Story
By Eleanor Tylbor
A short play-ette speculating as to what Elvis would be doing if/he is alive today.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN 40-something husband of Tammy
ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
THE TIME
The present
THE PLACE
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall and Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.
AT RISE:
TAMMY and LEN are seated at a table, looking around the room
Len
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY
(reading small book)
The restaurant guide write up says it’s fine dining with a difference
LEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our breadbasket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
TAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere
LEN
You mean the “eau du garbage” coming from the back? Phew!
TAMMY
You’re so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. Look at all this authentic ‘60’s décor!
LEN
More like early condemned. Take a look at this place. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?
TAMMY
That the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King”
LEN
Are you saying that this…this garage and one-table-café was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!
TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners
LEN
Was that before or after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
TAMMY
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…
LEN
…obviously not long enough…
TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
LEN
And a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
TAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible
(the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands, frequently)
WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu and we’ll choose
LEN
All these dishes are Elvis songs. “Bee bop a lu-la chicken wings…” The Love Me Tender t-bone looks interesting and it comes with fries and a “I Did It My Way” salad. Look at this. Says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Wonder if they mean that their meat is yesterday’s road kill?
TAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…
(the waiter comes over to take the order)
LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?
WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…
TAMMY
Just go and choose something already, will ‘ya?
WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…
LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside…
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the clerk dressed in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the counter holding a hand mic:
CLERK
“For you entertainment and plea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
(An over-weight bordering-on-obese man dressed in a white jump suit enters stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black avaiator glasses covers his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head)
CLERK
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is pround to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
(A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way:
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
(he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket)
ELVIS
(in a weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty… Anyway… Good to see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
(whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose)
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
(starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on the back
ELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
(starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck)
DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
Elvis
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…
(Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile
(sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors)
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
(Two male “punkers” i.e. pink/green/purple hair wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take his arms)
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at Wilsons Shop-A-Rama…
ELVIS
But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!
MALE 1
(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.
ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!
MALE 1
Here you are…
(the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the couple)
ELVIS
Thank you all very much!
(Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men)
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is 72 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements and a bad knee and his shaking days are behind him. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
(LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces)
WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
(Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together)
LEN
A tank of gas is a tank of gas…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building”
Sha-Do: What’s she doing?
Fog-Gi: I’ve no idea.
Ow, sounds painful! Hope you're feeling better.
(Why don't cats ever give you that "nesting massage" when you most need it?)
Dear LindaBudz,
Rilla appreciates your kind sentiments. I have passed them on to her. Unfortunately, the only nests I know about are the ones I steal eggs and baby birds from. There's a nest on the patio, but try as I might, I just can't get to it...very frustrating. And as for a massage, I'm not sure what that is. I tried licking her face when she was down on the floor. Works for my brother, but she started screaming instead...
Love
Sha-do
Sha-do, You stay away from those baby birds! And give your brother a kiss for me!
So funny -- I was so curious WHAT you were doing down there! Hope you're feeling better. The cat dialogue was great!
And -- I just saw you mentioned by book in a comment on Disco Mermaids -- thanks! So cool to see it crop up!
If you're around the Century Plaza on thurs the night before the conf starts, I'm trying to drum up some folks for drinkies in the lounge. Hope you can make it!
--Laini (too lazy to log into my other blog!)
Hey guys, would you give Rilla a message for me? Tell her I hope that she feels better really soon. I miss her writing and look forward to her coming back to group.
J
Hey LindaBudz,
I see the cats as usual have been up to their tricks. Glad they entertained you. Now that I'm better though, I had to shoo them away from the computer...it seems they were quite addicted ;)
Laini,
That was the problem with being down there...there's absolutely nothing you can do...dead boring. So glad I'm better. Will definitely be around Thursday night in the Century Plaza. Eve and Robin mentioned they'd have a get together at the bar...I believe it's also in the lobby. Would love to do something. Give me a time and I'll look for the bright pink hair!
Hey J,
Thanks for the lovely message. The cats were very good about giving it to me. Made me feel better really fast ;) Will be back to critique group next meeting...can't wait!
The kitty cats used the word 'peeps'. I'm so proud ;)
Hope the back is getting better Thrilla!