Elvis – The Real Story
By Eleanor Tylbor
By Eleanor Tylbor
A short play-ette speculating as to what Elvis would be doing if/he is alive today.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN 40-something husband of Tammy
ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
THE TIME
The present
THE PLACE
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall and Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.
AT RISE:
TAMMY and LEN are seated at a table, looking around the room
Len
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY
(reading small book)
The restaurant guide write up says it’s fine dining with a difference
LEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our breadbasket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
TAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere
LEN
You mean the “eau du garbage” coming from the back? Phew!
TAMMY
You’re so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. Look at all this authentic ‘60’s décor!
LEN
More like early condemned. Take a look at this place. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?
TAMMY
That the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King”
LEN
Are you saying that this…this garage and one-table-café was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!
TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners
LEN
Was that before or after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
TAMMY
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…
LEN
…obviously not long enough…
TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
LEN
And a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
TAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible
(the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands, frequently)
WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu and we’ll choose
LEN
All these dishes are Elvis songs. “Bee bop a lu-la chicken wings…” The Love Me Tender t-bone looks interesting and it comes with fries and a “I Did It My Way” salad. Look at this. Says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Wonder if they mean that their meat is yesterday’s road kill?
TAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…
(the waiter comes over to take the order)
LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?
WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…
TAMMY
Just go and choose something already, will ‘ya?
WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…
LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside…
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the clerk dressed in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the counter holding a hand mic:
CLERK
“For you entertainment and plea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
(An over-weight bordering-on-obese man dressed in a white jump suit enters stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black avaiator glasses covers his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head)
CLERK
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is pround to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
(A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way:
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
(he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket)
ELVIS
(in a weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty… Anyway… Good to see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
(whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose)
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
(starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on the back
ELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
(starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck)
DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
Elvis
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…
(Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile
(sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors)
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
(Two male “punkers” i.e. pink/green/purple hair wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take his arms)
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at Wilsons Shop-A-Rama…
ELVIS
But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!
MALE 1
(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.
ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!
MALE 1
Here you are…
(the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the couple)
ELVIS
Thank you all very much!
(Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men)
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is 72 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements and a bad knee and his shaking days are behind him. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
(LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces)
WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
(Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together)
LEN
A tank of gas is a tank of gas…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building”
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN 40-something husband of Tammy
ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
THE TIME
The present
THE PLACE
Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall and Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.
AT RISE:
TAMMY and LEN are seated at a table, looking around the room
Len
(Scrutinizing the surroundings)
Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY
(reading small book)
The restaurant guide write up says it’s fine dining with a difference
LEN
Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our breadbasket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
TAMMY
Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere
LEN
You mean the “eau du garbage” coming from the back? Phew!
TAMMY
You’re so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. Look at all this authentic ‘60’s décor!
LEN
More like early condemned. Take a look at this place. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?
TAMMY
That the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King”
LEN
Are you saying that this…this garage and one-table-café was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!
TAMMY
For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners
LEN
Was that before or after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
TAMMY
You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…
LEN
…obviously not long enough…
TAMMY
…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
LEN
And a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
TAMMY
Get a grip! The waiter is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible
(the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands, frequently)
WAITER
(swinging his hips between every word)
Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
LEN
No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
TAMMY
Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu and we’ll choose
LEN
All these dishes are Elvis songs. “Bee bop a lu-la chicken wings…” The Love Me Tender t-bone looks interesting and it comes with fries and a “I Did It My Way” salad. Look at this. Says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Wonder if they mean that their meat is yesterday’s road kill?
TAMMY
Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…
(the waiter comes over to take the order)
LEN
Are all those dishes served a la carte?
WAITER
(swinging hips)
No – on a plate. Uh-huh…
TAMMY
Just go and choose something already, will ‘ya?
WAITER
Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…
LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY
Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN
I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside…
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the clerk dressed in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the counter holding a hand mic:
CLERK
“For you entertainment and plea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
(An over-weight bordering-on-obese man dressed in a white jump suit enters stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black avaiator glasses covers his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head)
CLERK
“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is pround to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
(A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way:
ELVIS
“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
(he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket)
ELVIS
(in a weak squeaky voice)
Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty… Anyway… Good to see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
(whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose)
ELVIS
Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
(starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on the back
ELVIS
See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
(starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck)
DOCTOR
Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
Elvis
(laughing and staring at her breasts)
Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…
(Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN
(starting to get up)
Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile
(sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors)
ELVIS
Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
(Two male “punkers” i.e. pink/green/purple hair wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take his arms)
MALE 1
C’mon pops. You got another gig at Wilsons Shop-A-Rama…
ELVIS
But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!
MALE 1
(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.
ELVIS
Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!
MALE 1
Here you are…
(the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the couple)
ELVIS
Thank you all very much!
(Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men)
LEN
(addressing waiter)
That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER
The guy is 72 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements and a bad knee and his shaking days are behind him. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN
I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
(LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces)
WAITER
You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN
Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER
That piece of paper would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
(Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together)
LEN
A tank of gas is a tank of gas…
VOICE OVER
“The King has left the building”
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