LuAnn with her muses: her family. "Yes, I'm oversharing. Again." |
I wrote and sold the first story about daughter #3 when she was six years old. The piece relayed a humorous story involving Holy Communion, the bread dipped in grape juice, and the subsequent laughter when she forcefully proclaimed to our Pastor, “I am not eating or drinking blood.”
The anecdote was cute and it required only a quick write-up before I sent it off to a publisher.
When daughter #2 was not selected for a part in a local children’s theater production, I scribbled a poem on a receipt I dug out of my purse, watching her reaction when her name was not announced. The piece sold to a month later and I received $50 for 14 lines capturing a single moment of her life.
Now, I have four grandchildren and the story possibilities continue to grow.
Here’s where it gets awkward.
I’m a writer. I write. And, like many writers, the spotlight shines (sometimes) too brightly on my family and their experiences. After all, writers are told to “write what we know” and what or who do I know better than my family.
But as my brood grows older, they do not necessarily like their 15 minutes of fame in one of mom’s articles or poems or columns.
What’s a writer mama or grandma to do? How do you find balance between sharing a life lesson or a hearty laugh from one you love and oversharing, risking their embarrassment? Is it an invasion of their privacy?
A few months ago, I wrote an essay about a current and newsworthy item in my home state and mentioned daughter #1, who works in business development.
“Gee, Mom,” the conversation started. “Thanks for talking about me in your newspaper column. My phone has been ringing non-stop and so have the email comments.”
Great, I thought. I’m getting through to people.
But had I overstepped the imaginary line in the sand where personal eclipses into professional? Should I not share her successes, not offer examples for others to learn from?
Yeah, yeah, so I’m writing about one of my children. Again.
The argument extends beyond words on a page. Do we overshare about our children on Facebook or Twitter? It’s not like I’m posting on my Facebook page, “Oh, so proud of grandchild #2. He went on the big boy potty today!”
Sure, I post some a lot of pictures of the grandkids on my Facebook wall so far-away family and friends can watch them grow up. Should I?
Will my words or photos one day
8 Comments on Family vs. Blog: When Do We Overshare?, last added: 7/29/2012
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Blog: WOW! Women on Writing Blog (The Muffin) (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: fun, time management, finding balance, inner child, workload, stress management, This Holiday Season Listen to that Still Small Voice, Add a tag
My partner and I were out running errands when I stopped to admire a display of ceramic Santa Planters each with a baby pine tree (it was the trees that caught my attention—I’m a sucker for anything “baby”).
On cue he said “You should get one.”
As always I shot back, “Naw, that’s okay.”
We loaded the car and he walked off to return the cart. Just as I began to wonder where he’d run off to the door opened and he tossed me a bag—yep, the Santa Planter. Later that night he pointed out to me that every time my inner child reaches for something I slap her hands.
Has anyone ever handed you truth jerky—something you end up chewing on for a long time? For two days now I’ve been getting flashes of how I short change this little girl. I tell myself I’m giving her attention when we work on our “fun” writing projects or when we make gifts for others. After all, this is play—right? Not really. To my inner child this is like hiding vegetables in the Jell-O and calling it dessert.
Oh, my friend also said that if I keep refusing to give my inner child some play time at some point she will throw a tantrum and decide to go play whether I agree or not. I’m not sure what this would look like and I don’t think I want to find out.
As women we train ourselves to “get it done,” “do it perfect,” and “give unto others.” We repeatedly discuss how to fit “more” into 24 hours. Then the holiday season comes and in addition to our work/home/kids/care giving duties we add extra assignments, faster turn-arounds, holiday menus, shopping, and charitable causes. Does anyone else hear “Pop Goes the Weasel”? Something has to give…
This holiday season take a moment to give back...to yourself! Your inner child knows this is a festive time and she wants to play on her terms. So take a moment—right now is good—and ask that little girl what she would like to do for fun. Maybe she wants a cup of hot cocoa this morning. She might want to draw a picture. Heck, maybe the kid wants a Pillow Pet! Let her have it, she’s earned it!
For all the times she’s stayed up late working while others slept. For all the times she’s given up her piece of cake to make someone else happy. For all the times she’s quietly sucked it up when you broke yet another promise to her. Before the year ends set aside some special time with the one person who keeps your creative clock running—that spritely, joyful, playful spirit inside of you.
post & image by Robyn Chausse
What is your inner child asking for? Share it here…
On cue he said “You should get one.”
As always I shot back, “Naw, that’s okay.”
We loaded the car and he walked off to return the cart. Just as I began to wonder where he’d run off to the door opened and he tossed me a bag—yep, the Santa Planter. Later that night he pointed out to me that every time my inner child reaches for something I slap her hands.
Has anyone ever handed you truth jerky—something you end up chewing on for a long time? For two days now I’ve been getting flashes of how I short change this little girl. I tell myself I’m giving her attention when we work on our “fun” writing projects or when we make gifts for others. After all, this is play—right? Not really. To my inner child this is like hiding vegetables in the Jell-O and calling it dessert.
Oh, my friend also said that if I keep refusing to give my inner child some play time at some point she will throw a tantrum and decide to go play whether I agree or not. I’m not sure what this would look like and I don’t think I want to find out.
As women we train ourselves to “get it done,” “do it perfect,” and “give unto others.” We repeatedly discuss how to fit “more” into 24 hours. Then the holiday season comes and in addition to our work/home/kids/care giving duties we add extra assignments, faster turn-arounds, holiday menus, shopping, and charitable causes. Does anyone else hear “Pop Goes the Weasel”? Something has to give…
This holiday season take a moment to give back...to yourself! Your inner child knows this is a festive time and she wants to play on her terms. So take a moment—right now is good—and ask that little girl what she would like to do for fun. Maybe she wants a cup of hot cocoa this morning. She might want to draw a picture. Heck, maybe the kid wants a Pillow Pet! Let her have it, she’s earned it!
For all the times she’s stayed up late working while others slept. For all the times she’s given up her piece of cake to make someone else happy. For all the times she’s quietly sucked it up when you broke yet another promise to her. Before the year ends set aside some special time with the one person who keeps your creative clock running—that spritely, joyful, playful spirit inside of you.
post & image by Robyn Chausse
What is your inner child asking for? Share it here…
9 Comments on This Holiday Season--Listen to that Still, Small Voice, last added: 12/12/2011
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Blog: WOW! Women on Writing Blog (The Muffin) (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Mom writers, writing time, finding balance, Add a tag
Is your life balanced? Do you have time for everything equally: writing, family, work, health/exercise, home, and friends? Do you have time for yourself? According to Alaskan Dude on www.flickr.com, these three performers called Barely Balanced perform tricks like the one pictured to the left at Renaissance festivals; they made balance into their profession. If we could only do the same. . .
I bring this up today after listening to one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Debra Peppers (who has been inducted into the National Teachers Hall of Fame) speak on Friday night. She said that one of the key elements to living a happy, fulfilled life is finding balance. I would have to agree with her. But it is easier said than done.
In my life, I feel like there is always something else I should be doing. When I am writing, such as working on this blog post right now, I can hear my husband playing with my seven-month-old daughter and ten-year-old stepson in the other room, and I think, I should be in there, right? But then if I went in there, I would be thinking, While he has them occupied, I should be in the other room getting some work done or dusting. I just spent a bunch of time yesterday with my family at the zoo, so it makes sense that today would be more of a work day. Right? So, it is about finding balance, but it's also about being okay with the balance you find. I wish there was a way to turn off my brain and enjoy each moment I am in MORE.
Even in my writing life, it's hard to find balance between blogging, novel writing, freelancing, editing clients, and so on. I have at least three or four tasks I want to accomplish each day in my writing world, and I am sometimes up until well after midnight (with getting up at 5:30 or 6:00 with the baby) to get them finished.
So, I wish I had some answers for you because I know I am not the only woman writer struggling with this issue. What I try to do now is take each day and divide my time between the things I have to get accomplished. I try to remember that the most important thing is my family, and then the second most is that I have to earn money, so my family can do fun things. With those two goals in mind, I try to find balance.
But I would love to hear if you have some tips for balance--especially if you have found the solution to this problem. Heck, before you know it, we may be just like the Barely Balanced acrobats above.
post by Margo L. Dill; http://www.margodill.com/blog/
0 Comments on Finding Balance? as of 1/1/1900
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Blog: Editorial Anonymous (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: declines; rejections;, Add a tag
A reader writes in:
"As a writer, I find it extremely helpful (and humbling) when an editor has taken his/her valuable time to write positive personal notes in the margin of my manuscript. Some have even given their much appreciated comments such as, "Drop this word. It will read much better here," or "Very nice. I like this!"
The frustration, and reason for my question, is this. After finding such helpful, positive comments, I've been disappointed to read one additional comment: "Excellent story, but it's not what we're looking for at this time."
When I receive such a positive rejection letter, I do another search through my work to find another manuscript that might be what they're looking for and send that off to the same publisher with a nice thank you note for taking the time to critique or comment on my previous story. Sometimes, I get a similar, but positive rejection letter, again with notes in the margin ... but the same comment, "Excellent story, but it's not what we're looking for at this time."
How, as writers, are we to know what they are looking for ... at this time? I so wish they could jot just one more line ... "but if you have a manuscript about _____, please send it to us."
This, this is why writers think editors are the devil. Well you may wonder what in heck was going through the editor's mind when he/she sent you such a rejection.
"Not what we're looking for right now" is publisher code for "I'm declining this and I'm not going to go into why." As I've mentioned in other posts, sometimes there are good reasons why an editor doesn't take the time to explain a decline (the foremost being an utter lack of time). But there's no excuse for "Excellent story; I read the whole thing! ...No."
I'm an editor, and you know what I'm looking for? You guessed it--excellent stories!
Frankly, and I'm sorry to have to say it, I think you're being screwed with by extremely well-intentioned but clueless interns. (No matter who actually signed the letter.) Interns are asked to draft declines sometimes, and they're typically much more encouraging than editors are. This is problematic, of course, because if left unwatched they'll send out letters that say, essentially, "This was just fantastic in every way! I enjoyed it so much! We have serious doubts about it! We aren't going to publish this in a million years!" with just no clue that they're presenting the publisher as schizophrenic assholes.
This is just another reason why rejection letters should be taken as meaning nothing. Try to shrug and move on. Perhaps to a publisher that watches their staff better.
3 Comments on Mwah-ha-ha-ha!, last added: 5/8/2007
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Erma did it, and you can too! I've been published in 16 Chicken Soup books, and more than half involve stories about family members. Write on! Stop by and visit http://lindaoconnell.blogspot.com
LuAnn: I agree with Linda! What else are we supposed to be inspired by? Parents have been embarrassing their children for centuries. So, just because the whole world can read it now, why should we stop? :) LOL!
I think it depends upon what your own feelings are about your family, and who reads about them. Personally, I don't read blogs and/or Facebook etc. about family events, and so on. When I don't know someone as a personal friend, I'm really not interested in what their kids and grandkids do. I have kids and grandkids, and I love them dearly and am very proud of them, but I don't write publically about them. My family is private, and I am going to keep them that way. I don't think writing about one's personal life, including family, is something that should be done where the whole world can read about you and them. The Internet is not a safe place, and there are 1000s of people who can attest to that from a personal standpoint. Of course there are also 1000s more who do this every day of their lives and nothing happens as a result of the Internet. I'm just not one who sees the point of exposing my children and grandchildren to the view of the entire world. JMHO, however.
Margo, I don't write to embarrass my kids. I hope their stories have universal appeal - parents from all walks can relate.
My biggest concern, as they've grown and now, a couple have children, is where does their right to privacy begin?
LuAnn, as a writer with two grown children, I lean towards protecting the privacy of these individuals. It is a line to cross that takes a lot of consideration, seems to me.
LuAnn:
I know you don't write to embarrass your children or grandchildren. You are very loving. What I should have said was that it is EASY as a parent to embarrass our children, even when we don't mean to. I used to be embarrassed when my mom wore these one polyester slacks to the mall to take me shopping. As a parent, I now know that she was comfortable in them AND she was not buying herself new things, so she could buy them for me.
On this entire topic, I honestly and seriously think it depends on the family and person AND what you are revealing. If you are revealing a cute story about your child in a restaurant--that's one thing. Other parents can relate and smile, too. If you are revealing intimate details about your teenage daughter's drug abuse, that's a whole other ballgame. Again, I am not saying that you shouldn't write about it--it depends on the family and the audience.
In my opinion, we are often given joys and struggles to learn from them and to share with others who will learn from them. That's why we were given the gift of writing.
Finally, I don't believe a writer should ever use their words to hurt someone. If you are hurting your child/grandchildren by writing about them, of course, I don't think you should.
My two cents. :)
And then there's memoir writing! I say as long as you're not revealing intimate moments of what people do in the bathroom or bedroom, or something else you know will be horrifyingly embarrassing, and it's in the good-natured spirit of universal bonding, it's a go.
I think writing about your friends and family is fine as long as (a) you're not divulging anything that could damage their reputations, (b) you're representing them truthfully, and (c) you stop if they say they don't like it. Too many older relatives believe that they have the "right" to do and say whatever they want, as if their kids/grandkids/nieces and nephews aren't independent human beings who deserve to have a say in how they're represented to the world. A friend of mine, for example, cut off contact with a certain family member several years ago, but she still posts old photos of him on her Facebook profile calling him "my Johnny," sometimes accompanying them with lies. He has told her in no uncertain terms that their relationship is over, but she continues to do it. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she's doing it on purpose, just to prove that she can and he's powerless to stop it.
But as long as you're sensitive to the opinions of the people you're talking about, it should be fine. I may be a little hypersensitive, actually, because there was an incident over the first novel I wrote in high school. I wrote about a troubled girl with a borderline abusive mother, and my own mother showed it to her book club with pride. But they declined to read it because "they knew the people in it" and said it made them uncomfortable. The mother in the book was not based on my mother, but they thought she was and might have made damaging assumptions about her because of it. So now I'm very careful to make sure that my characters are not traceable to people in real life, accept to people who know me very, very well.