I would like to thank everyone who submitted first pages this month. If your first page was not critiqued, please do not think it was due to your writing. The committment with Leila was to critique four first pages and there were many more than that submitted. It was very generous of editor Leila Sales of Viking Books for taking the time out of her busy schedule to read and critique the March First Page Picture Prompts. I also want to thank Kris Aro McLeod for providing the picture inspiration this month.
Falling Stars by Eileen Balesteri
The flashing red lights outside the old, abandoned building made Lena’s heart sink. The structure had always been an eyesore in the neighborhood, but over the past few weeks, it had served as a shelter to Lena and her little sister, Evie.
Lately, more and more houses on their once, cheerful street were turning from happy homes to foreclosed prototypes of broken dreams.
Squatting in an abandoned building had not been part of Lena’s life plan. But, everything changed the night her RA knocked on her dorm room door with the emergency call about her parents.
From that day on, Evie would be her responsibility.
She turned and looked down the block to the dark house with the “bank-owned” sign that used to be theirs–and then forward to the burning building that was their present home.
As she watched the flames lick the outside of the chimney, all she could do was hope that the others got out okay. They must have run, because she didn’t see any of them around. Not even Terrence…which was strange, since he always took charge when things got scary. Maybe he’d gone looking for them.
She gripped her little sister’s hand, grateful they had not been inside when it started.
“What’s going on, Lena? I’m tired. You said I could sleep when we got back from the dumpsters!”
“Just let me think for a minute, Evie.”
The blankets she had put out to air on the fence behind the building should still be there. If she could just get around the police and fire trucks to the back yard, they’d at least have something to keep them warm for the night.
“Evie. Follow me, and don’t say a word. Just copy everything I do.”
Squatting down to keep out of sight, they inched along the fence behind the overgrown shrubs and tall, dead weeds leading to the back.
FALLING STARS
The author does a good job quickly and unobtrusively telling us who Lena and Evie are, how old Lena is, and what the girls’ relationship is. There’s some immediate suspense from wondering 1) what happened toLena’s parents? 2) who are Terrence and “the others,” and what is their connection toLena? 3) how did this building catch on fire? The reader will want to keep going to find out the answers to these questions.
There’s some overwriting here that would be funny if this were a humorous story, but in a serious story it comes off as melodramatic. For example: “Lately, more and more houses on their once, cheerful street were turning from happy homes to foreclosed prototypes of broken dreams.”
My immediate response to the premise is that I have trouble believing a girl could go from college to homeless so quickly. I would expect Lena and Evie to have family and friends from their old life, when their parents were alive, who would be looking out for them in some way. But, as an editor, I would keep reading this story to see if Lena’s quick slide into poverty was done in a believable way o
Thank you so much Leila!
I’m very grateful for both your valuable insight and time. I try to absorb every piece of advice I can get through reading all of the critques.
So often, I wonder if I’m on the right track or if I need to cut something. It’s funny that you mentioned the melodramatic part, because it just wasn’t sitting right with me, either.
I debated on whether to cut that line or the last sentence for space and decided to step outside of my comfort zone and go for it. LOL! I should have listened to my inner voice! You were absolutely right!
Thank you, too, Kathy, for offering us so many wonderful opportunities to be the best writers we can be! <3
Thank you for the feedback, Leila. Much appreciated!
I loved the artwork from Kris Aro McLeod this month — it offered inspiration and a good starting point.
Thanks for coordinating, Kathy, as always. :>