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Viewing Blog: The Poisoned Apple, Most Recent at Top
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Tales of Horror, mixed with the Nightmares of a Writer, with a final spattering of Dark Fantasy for Children added to the cauldron. The work of Catherine J Gardner & Phoenix Rendell. One Soul. Two identities.
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1. Hey Mum, I did it

A dream came true yesterday. An ambition. I sold a story to Black Static, a magazine I've been trying to get into since before it existed (those who've been around the small press for a while will remember its previous incarnation The Third Alternative). At a rough estimate it took me about eighteen years. Hopefully it won't take me more than a decade to sell another story to them.*
The Drop of Light and the Rise of Dark is my first completed story this year.

In extra good news. Damien Angelica Walters also had a story accepted there yesterday.

*Resists sending another story to Andy today.

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2. Signal Boost

Silvia Moreno-Garcia has a book out from awesome publisher Solaris. A debut novel, and anyone who's anyone knows those are wondrous things.

The book is Signal to Noise and here be the blurb:

Mexico City, 1988: Long before iTunes or MP3s, you said “I love you” with a mixtape. Meche, awkward and fifteen, has two equally unhip friends — Sebastian and Daniela — and a whole lot of vinyl records to keep her company. When she discovers how to cast spells using music, the future looks brighter for the trio. With help from this newfound magic, the three friends will piece together their broken families, change their status as non-entities, and maybe even find love…

Mexico City, 2009: Two decades after abandoning the metropolis, Meche returns for her estranged father’s funeral. It’s hard enough to cope with her family, but then she runs into Sebastian, and it revives memories from her childhood she thought she buried a long time ago. What really happened back then? What precipitated the bitter falling out with her father? And, is there any magic left?

According to Amazon it's out February but pre-orders are available now.

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3. A Submission Horse named Cripes! Editors run for their lives.

Earlier today I thought of an awesome idea for a blog post. Phew! At last, I would have something to blog about and I'd so wanted to resurrect this blog, or rather, add new content to it.

I've forgotten the awesome idea.

That's okay, I doubt it was awesome or brilliant anyway, more likely random nonsense like this is. But go team me, I'm actually formulating a blog post. Now I figure I should add some actual content because someone, somewhere, in a hundred years from now (or later today) might stumble upon this post.

Scratches chin.

Ah, my thirty-two short story file - yes, that's the place to start.

In the midst of when mum was becoming really ill (for those who don't know, my beautiful mum died at Christmas), I opened a file and listed thirty-two random quotes and started to construct stories inspired by them. I didn't choose to write thirty-two in particular, it was merely the figure I ended up with when I got bored looking for quotes to add to the file. I sometimes think I get bored easily and at other times think I can cope with all of the boredom longer than most. I doubt either is true.

Anyway, back to the file. I started said file because I couldn't concentrate on writing and wanted something I could dip into without pressure. Or at least, without pressure just yet. I thought - honestly thought - that it would be something I could escape into in the weeks following mum's death. I was building a fort for myself*. When it came to it, my mind refused to open the door. It preferred staring into space, crying and making me clean every corner of the house over and over.

This is good. After months of looking after mum, the house needed some TLC.

I've started to dip into the file over the last couple of days. Nothing too wearisome but something; a line here and there. Thirty-two stories won't emerge from the file and at some point I'll have to drag out the ones that could go somewhere - prays for at least ten workable stories. Then, I guess I'll have to get back on the submission horse. I think I'll call him Cripes for no other reason than that's what just came into my head.

*mention of a fort made me think of this picture (taken at Formby). An awesome fort of trees amongst the sand dunes.

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4. The Transfiguration of Blogging

Some awesomeness found its way onto my Facebook feed this morning.

The Transfiguration of Mister Punch (including my novella This Foolish & Harmful Delight) has made it onto the following list: The Literature of Fear: 12 High-Quality Horror Books for Sleepless Nights by Rick Kleffel.

Other books on the list include Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes, The Conspiracy against the Human Race by Thomas Ligotti, Last Days by Adam Nevill, and The Bitterwood Bible by Angela Slatter.

That's two blog posts within a week. Next thing you know a whole fleet of buses will turn up.

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5. Signal Failure

So I don't post for months and then when I do I'm all look at me. Well not quite look at me because I'm hiding behind a cupboard and refusing to have my photo taken or come out and say hello to anyone. Don't worry, I'm happy there. Just post some cake under the cupboard. Actually don't, too much cake is partially the reason that I'm hiding behind said cupboard and possibly why I'm stuck.

So the reason for my look at me post. I sold a story to POSTSCRIPTS! In the Macabre Theatre of Nightshade Place should appear in the summer/autumn of 2015. 

It will be my third story in Postscripts. The Hollow Framework for the Cotton Man appeared in Oct 2010 and Hand Scratched Note in Dec 2009, back in the heady days of when I used to send stories out all the time. I can't believe how long ago that was. Hangs head in shame and knocks forehead against the back of the cupboard.

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6. British Fantasy Awards Shortlist 2014

The shortlist for the British Fantasy Awards were announced yesterday. They be as follows:

Best Fantasy Novel (the Robert Holdstock Award)
Between Two Thorns, Emma Newman (Angry Robot)
Blood and Feathers: Rebellion, Lou Morgan (Solaris)
The Glass Republic, Tom Pollock (Jo Fletcher Books)
The Ocean at the End of the Lane, Neil Gaiman (Headline)
A Stranger in Olondria, Sofia Samatar (Small Beer Press)
Best Horror Novel (the August Derleth Award)
House of Small Shadows, Adam Nevill (Pan)
Mayhem, Sarah Pinborough (Jo Fletcher Books)
NOS4R2, Joe Hill (Gollancz)
Path of Needles, Alison Littlewood (Jo Fletcher Books)
The Shining Girls, Lauren Beukes (HarperCollins)
The Year of the Ladybird, Graham Joyce (Gollancz)
Best Novella
Beauty, Sarah Pinborough (Gollancz)
Dogs With Their Eyes Shut, Paul Meloy (PS Publishing)
Spin, Nina Allan (TTA Press)
Vivian Guppy and the Brighton Belle, Nina Allan (Rustblind and Silverbright)
Whitstable, Stephen Volk (Spectral Press)
Best Short Story
Chalk, Pat Cadigan (This Is Horror)
Death Walks En Pointe, Thana Niveau (The Burning Circus)
Family Business, Adrian Tchaikovsky (The Alchemy Press Book of Urban Mythic)
The Fox, Conrad Williams (This Is Horror)
Golden Apple, Sophia McDougall (The Lowest Heaven)
Moonstruck, Karin Tidbeck (Shadows & Tall Trees #5)
Signs of the Times, Carole Johnstone (Black Static #33)
Best Collection
For Those Who Dream Monsters, Anna Taborska (Mortbury Press)
Holes for Faces, Ramsey Campbell (Dark Regions Press)
Monsters in the Heart, Stephen Volk (Gray Friar Press)
North American Lake Monsters, Nathan Ballingrud (Small Beer Press)
Best Anthology
End of the Road, Jonathan Oliver (ed.) (Solaris)
Fearie Tales, Stephen Jones (ed.) (Jo Fletcher Books)
Rustblind and Silverbright, David Rix (ed.) (Eibonvale Press)
Tales of Eve, Mhairi Simpson (ed.) (Fox Spirit Books)
The Tenth Black Book of Horror, Charles Black (ed.) (Mortbury Press)
Best Small Press
The Alchemy Press (Peter Coleborn)
Fox Spirit Books (Adele Wearing)
NewCon Press (Ian Whates)
Spectral Press (Simon Marshall-Jones)
Best Non-Fiction
Gestalt Real-Time Reviews, D.F. Lewis
Doors to Elsewhere, Mike Barrett (The Alchemy Press)
Fantasy Faction, Marc Aplin (ed.)
Speculative Fiction 2012, Justin Landon and Jared Shurin (eds) (Jurassic London)
“We Have Always Fought”: Challenging the “Women, Cattle and Slaves” Narrative, Kameron Hurley (A Dribble of Ink)
Best Magazine/Periodical
Black Static, Andy Cox (ed.) (TTA Press)
Clarkesworld, Neil Clarke and Sean Wallace (ed.) (Wyrm Publishing)
Interzone, Andy Cox (ed.) (TTA Press)
Shadows & Tall Trees, Michael Kelly (ed.) (Undertow Books)
Best Comic/Graphic Novel
Demeter, Becky Cloonan (Becky Cloonan)
Jennifer Wilde, Maura McHugh, Karen Mahoney and Stephen Downey (Atomic Diner Comics)
Porcelain, Benjamin Read and Chris Wildgoose (Improper Books)
Rachel Rising, Terry Moore (Abstract Studio)
Saga, Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples (Image Comics)
The Unwritten, Mike Carey and Peter Gross (Vertigo)
Best Artist
Adam Oehlers
Ben Baldwin
Daniele Serra
Joey Hi-Fi
Tula Lotay
Vincent Chong
Best Film/Television Episode
Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor, Steven Moffat (BBC)
Game of Thrones: The Rains of Castamere, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss (HBO)
Gravity, Alfonso Cuarón and Jonás Cuarón (Warner Bros)
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro (Warner Bros)
Iron Man 3, Drew Pearce and Shane Black (Marvel Studios)
Best Newcomer (the Sydney J. Bounds Award)
Ann Leckie, for Ancillary Justice (Orbit)
Emma Newman, for Between Two Thorns (Angry Robot)
Francis Knight, for Fade to Black (Orbit)
Laura Lam, for Pantomime (Strange Chemistry)
Libby McGugan, for The Eidolon (Solaris)
Samantha Shannon, for The Bone Season (Bloomsbury)

and I, along with Thana Niveau, Mark West, Jim McLeod and Pauline Morgan, have the delightful task of choosing the Best Horror Novel.

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7. 'tis an honour

Ellen Datlow has announced the Honorable Mentions for The Best Horror of the Year Volume Six. I'm delighted to find my story 'This Foolish & Harmful Delight' listed amongst many fine writers including Ray Cluley, Nina Allan, Peter Atkins, Conrad Williams and Adam Nevill. You can find the full list here but I've cheated and only listed the people who I have met in real life.

The Transfiguration of Mister Punch (where my novella lives) is available here. It's a gorgeous book.

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8. A Salty Taste

Some news from the trenches.

My novella Barbed Wire Hearts is now out of print and I'm in the process of removing links to Amazon because they lead nowhere or will shortly lead nowhere. Thank you to everyone who purchased the story during its short life. Hopefully, it will appear in some other format at some other time.

There's an interview with me over at Blood Cake News where I may or may not discuss cake.

Peter Tennant reviews my novella, In the Broken Birdcage of Kathleen Fair, in the forthcoming issue of Black Static. Here be a wee bit of it...

She writes about such marvellous things as a duel fought with balloons and a perfume created by stealing the essence of people. She shows us sympathy for the devil and crafts a beguiling fable, one that constantly delights with its verve and invention, and which will resonate in the reader’s mind long after the book has been closed and put away

.... and it's only £1.03 in good old British pounds.

I heart novellas, and speaking of them.... Here's some news from trenches near you:

SALT are looking for contemporary issue-led novellas between 20,000 and 30,000 aimed at 18 to 24 year olds. More details here. Ideas are swirling at this end, characters are lining up to take part.

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9. Two Weeks Later

Some things that may or may not be of interest to you but are of interest to me... In other words, some things that have appeared online in this year of 2014 that concern me. I should title this post THE EGO HAS LANDED but Robbie Williams already used that title and his ego is bigger than mine.

Ann Giardina Magee reviews The Transfiguration of Mister Punch over at BOOZE AND BOOKS and has this to say about my story, This Foolish & Harmful Delight....

Her unique style completely immerses the reader in the terrifying world that she has created where Punch and Judy, as well as all of the other characters, are indeed transfigured. This novella was my favorite of the three....

Pauline Morgan at SF Crowsnest has reviewed Best Fantasy 2013 and here's something of what she had to say about my story, Too Delicate for Human Form...

Cate Gardner’s ‘Too Delicate For Human Form’ is the only recognisable fantasy story but don’t expect swords and elves, just a bit of gentle urban magic.... Although it is an unusual and well-written story it is ultimately unfulfilling and generates more questions than it answers.

Sounds like me. However, here is the review for Simon Bestwick's story Dermot...

‘Dermot’ by Simon Bestwick is a nasty little story but very well-written. It plays on the idea that sometimes the few have to be sacrificed to keep the majority safe... This is the strongest story in anthology and doesn’t pull any punches.

Go, my Bestwick.

And last, but not least (as the saying goes), Paul Kane kindly invited me to be the guest writer over at his website this month and there you will find an extract from my novella, Barbed Wire Hearts.

Hope 2014 is treating you well so far.

I've almost (almost) finished the final draft of my children's novel which remains untitled. Then I'll be burying myself in edits until it's fit to be sent to agents.*

*Agents, you have been warned.

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10. YES!

Simon Bestwick asked me to marry him. I said YES!!!

I'd link to his awesome blog post about his proposal using fancy html etc but my computer is
being an arse. You can read his awesome take on things here:

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11. Goodbye 2013 - you were (deleted)

You'd think it would be easy to write a blog post about your writing year when there hasn't been all that much too it. You'd think. However, because I haven't achieved anything like I used to do I have a convenient mental block. So here is what I remember of 2013.

I had two novellas published:-

This Foolish & Harmful Delight in Egaeus Press' anthology 'The Transfiguration of Mister Punch' - a beautiful, beautiful book also featuring work by Charles Schneider and D.P. Watt.

In the Broken Birdcage of Kathleen Fair published by Alchemy Press.

I had (coughs) short stories published:-

Puppet Man in Daily Science Fiction
The Binding of Memories in Shimmer
Too Delicate for Human Form in Best British Fantasy 2013
(Audio Reprint) The Scratch of an Old Record appeared on Tales to Terrify
(Audio Reprints) Opheliac and Reflective Curve of a Potion Bottle in Exquisite Death

Damien Walter (of The Guardian) also listed Theatre of Curious Acts in the top five of his Indie Sci-Fi and Fantasy Hunt.

Some people are aware I had a difficult year both writing-wise and personally (the personal affecting the writing, of course) but the new year has already started for me and I'm working on the final draft of my (still untitled) children's novel. IT'S BATS!!!

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If you can't beat them SCREECH SCREECH TERRIBLY with them.


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The Gremlins are wearing black armbands today.

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Reject is wearing a KILT. It makes his knees look as huge as an ogre's eyeballs.  He's serenading the GREAT GOD GREMLIN and asking if all Christmases can be white. I prefer ash grey but we all know SHE WHO MUST BE TRIPPED UP hates, hates, loathes, despises, and always falls on her backside in snow. It's a magnificent plan.

TRICKY is off to the supermarket to buy an office load of talcum powder and salt so we can cover the path with it. She'll be too afraid to leave the house, leaving her trapped here with us ALL DAY… 

There may be a flaw in the plan. 

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CROOK has decided that if he keeps running around the room at GREMLIN SPEED (which is very, very, extraordinarily fast) then he can move the room to Finland. Then, the cold air will freeze her throat. He seems to forget that it will FREEZE us too as SHE never has the heating on.

Apparently, when she was little, they didn't have much money and had to wear seventy-two jumpers and four pairs of mittens and there was no roof on their house. She now thinks she lives in a palace, which explains the ROYAL TEMPERAMENT. We also think she watched WILLY WONKA too many times, which explains the chocolate addiction. 

Oh… She just put out her foot and sent Crook flying into the bookcase. Not a single book wobbled--possibly because at last count there were five hundred and ninety six and a half books on her 'to read' shelf.  

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Reject is swinging from the bony legs of the skeleton that hangs from her notice board. They both appear to be having fun. HER MAJESTY hasn't even noticed. Hunched over the keyboard, staring with intent at the screen, while occasionally clicking the mouse--we think she's ACTUALLY writing. We must stop her.

REJECT is putting even more effort into his swing. LOOSE JAWS are clacking. Crook is laying PUSH PINS on the floor, but so far, only Treacle has stood on them. Treacle's yelping hasn't disturbed HER HIGHNESS, who keeps muttering something about Renta Claws and blood spiders.

At least she's not singing. 

This would be the point, where Her Majesty would say 'touch wood; don't want to tempt the gremlins'. Should be changed to 'touch wood; don't want to tempt Her Ladyship'.

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Ignore YESTERDAY'S blog post. Time for a frowny face Lor rather five LLLLL's or six if you include the Great GREMLIN God's L 

The OFFICE was suitable destroyed. Her Majesty STOMPED and CLASHED up the stairs. She blundered into the office and then promptly dropped the pre-decorated Christmas tree she'd bought, shattering and showering us with glitter and glass. To add injury to injury, she clapped her hands and declared 'Tiny Moving Christmas Trees'. Then she gathered us up and pinned us to the notice board. AGAIN. The others are still trying to escape. 

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Pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, PENS!!!!!

Crook has devised a MASTER PLAN to steal all of Her Highness's pens. Reject has torn the pages out of several hundred unused notebooks. Treacle is smearing glue over EVERYTHING. Wheeze is just sitting in the corner wheezing but at least he sounds a bit DARTH VADER(ISH). The GREAT GREMLIN GOD is looking down from his dusty lampshade with a tear in his eye, and I'm about to pluck all the hairs from her most precious WOLF DUDE and scatter them on her keyboard. 

We are taking back the OFFICE and destroying CHRISTMAS and all other things for HER ANNOYINGNESS. 

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HER HIGHNESS has been taking chocolates off the tree again. Crook has suggested we steal APPLE PIE from the neighbours and put it in the kitchen so she'll go and bother the KITCHEN SPRITES who have nothing better to do than throw crumbs into corners and steal the last biscuit. 

If she goes into one more chorus of WHINE, WHINE DREADFULLY we're going to eat all of the food until our bellies are so full they EXPLODE. If only Treacle hadn't eaten all the MARSHMALLOWS. We could have stuffed them in HER MAJESTY'S ears and mouth until her screeching was a distant mumble. We're not delusional enough to think it would stop her singing. 

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Who names the spots on their nose? Well, apparently, SHE does and their names are Fred, Ginger and Big Red Pimply Thing.

At least there are no outbursts of…




Oh no, earworm, earworm, EARWORM. Must not hum, must not hum. Oh no, here we go… Another rendition of SCREECH SCREECH TERRIBLY.

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Her Ladyship knows we're here.

She picked up WHEEZE and pretended he was a ball of SNOT. Poor Wheeze is now stuck in the bin alongside soggy tissues and crumpled up story notes that scream of monsters and owls and things that go FA LA LA LA LA in the night. Then she tipped out a bag of MARSHMALLOWS and turned TREACLE into a MARSHMALLOW MONSTER. Poor Treacle is going to have to eat her way out and she HATES marshmallows.

MARSHMALLOWS are for old people with dentures. Even GREMLINS stay away from people with DENTURES.

Once the others are free, we're going to climb onto each other's shoulders and pretend we're a CHRISTMAS TREE then WE ARE GOING TO SING and she is going to…

REJECT thinks SHE'S going to poke a pen at us and snap off our branches.

Oh no… She's just pinned REJECT to the notice board and put a little Santa hat on him. I hope that CROOK has a plan to get them out of this. I'd help but she's glued my feet to a Christmas parcel for her INGENIOUSLY, DEVILLISHLY TALENTED NIECE. 

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Some SILLY REVIEWER said HER MAJESTY had a UNIQUE VOICE and she being she misunderstood and now sings ALL OF THE TIME.

HE DIDN'T MEAN YOUR SINGING VOICE!!! Crook yells, but his voice is too tiny and hers is TOO SCREECHY.

There are only so many times a Gremlin can hear I FEEL PITY, SO MUCH PITY before going MAD and starting to hallucinate that SKELETONS have taken over the office and are plotting to OVERTHROW the GREMLINS.

Their HOLLOW EYES are watching us now. We're beginning to think she is an EVIL GENIUS and the Gremlin King is her PUPPET. See he's dancing for her. Dancing, dancing, OH MY POOR GREMLIN EYES. He must be overthrown.


Once again she's got the words wrong. Although, this time we think it's because she's looking at her hair in the mirror. 

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Wheeze read about night terrors while sitting on HER MAJESTY'S shoulder (she seems to think we're PETS). Tonight we're going to be her NIGHTMARES. Crook is busy making TERRIFYING masks out of bits of her discarded hair and from eye shadows and lipsticks stolen from the bottom of her make-up bag. They're almost as SCARY as she is.

Don't tell anyone but SHE'S our nightmare.

It's no wonder the Gremlin King, WESTFICK has gone MAD--he sees her without make up and has to nod his head and say 'yes dear' when she blathers on about nonsense.  One day we're going to find him tied up in a corner of the office wearing nothing but fairy lights and gibbering about chimneys, roofs and a monster in a red outfit. 

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HER LADYSHIP claims she doesn't eat SPROUTS but someone has. The air in the office is TOXIC. Wheeze is breathing air through a straw. He doesn't see how that can possibly go wrong...

Oh, Wheeze has FAINTED.

Sometimes we wonder if we are the GREMLINS or if HER HIGHNESS is.

REJECT is wearing a paper clip on his nose. I think some of the fumes have seeped in though as he's doing a weird dance. One of HER MAJESTY'S dances. Oh, now he thinks he's a Christmas tree.

“Get off the desk, Reject. She'll...”

Turn him into a CHRISTMAS TREE. 

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The GREMLIN KING is on a diet.

HER MAJESTY is on a diet.

This means we GREMLINS are forced to live off carrots and celery sticks and limp spinach leaves.

Still hurts if they sit on us though. Time for another frowny face L

P.S. don't let the other Gremlins know I used the word 'frowny'. They'll think I'm auditioning for a Twitter account.

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