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Tales of Horror, mixed with the Nightmares of a Writer,
with a final spattering of Dark Fantasy for Children added to the cauldron. The work of Catherine J Gardner & Phoenix Rendell. One Soul. Two identities.
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By: Cate Gardner,
on 7/13/2012
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For today, I am an honorary abominable gentleman. I guess I should put on a waistcoat and suit and a nifty pocket watch. I have the pocket watch if nothing else and it is a mighty pretty one with gold and silver flowers carved onto its back. I do hope they won't object to my parasol.
And who are the Abominable Gentlemen? Well they are James Everington, Aaron Polson, Iain Rowan and Alan Ryker, and Mr. Everington interviewed me over at the
Penny Dreadnought blog where we talk about astronaut postmen, poisoned lipstick and platform shoes.
I hope you'll read it.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 7/10/2012
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On my daily trawl of the web, I stumbled across the below reprint anthology that I thought some of you may be interested in (especially Ms. Walker).
Alex Dally MacFarlane is looking for science fiction stories about encounters with aliens. Stories must have been previously published elsewhere and you can send up to three. Payment is 1 cent per word and 2 contributor copies and the closing date for submissions is October 15th.The anthology will be published by Prime Books. Full details can be found here.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 7/7/2012
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It's Saturday and I am painting the bathroom and writing my flamingo story which you will have no idea about unless you follow me on Twitter or Facebook and even then you'll still probably have no idea about it. Not that you should.
Anyhow, while waiting for paint to dry I am working on the first draft of said story. This story was supposed to be a daft little thing but while formulating ideas it became more ambitious and now I've rewritten and rewritten the first paragraph a dozen times. I am aware how wrong that is and that I should just get it down, but this is often how I work. First paragraphs take me half the time and then once I settle into a story I (usually) fly through the first draft. We have to find our feet first and I've started this story in numerous locations. Maybe by the time we finish it'll be a daft little thing again. Either way, there will be flamingos.
A couple of links for this Monday afternoon post...
Daily Science Fiction has posted its forthcoming stories for July and my story, The Mechanical Heart of Him, will be emailed to subscribers on July 18th. It's a tale of woe.
Sam Tomaino has reviewed The Journal of Entomology for SFRevu and has good things to say about the stories. I'm incognito in the review.
I feel I should have a third link because good things usually come in threes. Someone should send me awesome news like now...waiting...waiting....waiting. Ah man, best finish the post then. Most of the time I'm convinced that Gmail is eating my emails. Plus, I'm nervously biting my fingers (there are no nails left) waiting to hear if a story has made it into one of the most awesome magazines in the universe and I'm sure Gmail is laughing at me and thinking, 'I so ate that one last week.' In fact, I think Gmail just burped.
Currently working on a short story that is hopefully unsettling and definitely has a dose of woe. It's the same story I mentioned last week (false love, tattoos and the Devil) with an extra dose of awesome tattooness. In my opinion. My opinion is often wrong. I am (or will be when I've posted this blog) finishing off the second draft before I slice and dice with a pen sharper than the knife I left in my protagonist's hand.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 6/25/2012
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...and the winner of my birthday competition is Robert Crosby. The paperback of Ice Picks will be winging its way to you shortly. Thank you to all who entered and RT'd on Twitter.
In other news, I'm working on two things at the moment. A short story that refuses to find its end (tattoos, fake love and the Devil) and a novel that seems to be hurtling towards its end thus making it a novella (here there be monsters). Hey, I heart novellas. Both will use as many words as they need to. I hope. We really don't want waffle, waffle, waffle nor a whirlwind that leaves the reader going 'huh!'. Not that I would ever do the latter. No, not me.
And in further news, well I have no further news.
Note to self: do something newsworthy
Extra note to self: newsworthy thing must be legal.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 6/20/2012
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It's my birthday today and I've received lots of lovely gifts and eaten cake and it's ham barmcakes for tea tonight instead of a meal because you should get to eat your favourite things on your birthday. Although, not all your favourite things such as Jensen Ackles and books. And come to think of it, why am I not having pancakes with lemon and sugar? Oh yeah, darn diet.
Anyway, it's not fair that I get to receive all of the things today so I am giving away an anthology -
Ice Picks, edited by S.S. Michaels. The anthology contains stories by me (
The Menagerie of Frozen Birds), Jeremy Shipp, David Dunwoody, Damien Walters Grintalis, Stacey Graham, and others. And all the tales take place in an ice hotel.
To enter, email me at catephoenix@gmail.com and I'll choose a winner on Monday 25th June 2012.
Oh, and last Saturday after the Twisted Tales event, we were in the pub discussing how awesome Peter Tennant is and I may have shouted 'I heart Peter Tennant, his blog is hilarious'. And it's true, everyone should read his blog, especially
today.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 6/17/2012
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Another Twisted Tales event in my hometown yesterday, which of course meant I got to meet Simon Bestwick beforehand for a coffee...only I had water, but saying we met up for a water is just odd, but then we are odd. It was delightful to see Simon again.
This time the readings were by
Graham Joyce,
Alison Littlewood and
Simon Kurt Unsworth. Excellent stories by excellent people. Attendance was a little down this time, maybe because the event was held on a Saturday rather than a Friday or maybe because the weather was atrocious. After the event, Simon B, Simon U, Alison, her partner Fergus, and myself headed off to the pub for a rather teetotal affair, before I took the Bestwick on a circumnavigated route around Liverpool to get to a train station that he probably could have gotten to quicker by himself, but then I got to steal him for a little bit longer. Muahaha.
Also got to meet Dan Howarth, one of the
This is Horror team. Which reminds me (and please someone actually remind me on pay day) I need to subscribe to the This is Horror
chapbook series. Forthcoming chapbooks are by Simon Bestwick & Gary McMahon, David Moody, Conrad Williams and Joseph D'Lacey.
You can read about other Twisted Tales events
here,
here and
here - that's if you have nothing more productive to do today.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 6/10/2012
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If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you may have heard me waffle on this week about getting into clothes that were the size below the size below. I was rather excited. Anyway, it's time to go back to work (well almost - tomorrow morning - someone send me lots of cash now so that I don't have to go) and I needed to iron some of those said clothes. This is where I discover the pixies are messing with my head because...
...one of the size below the size below clothes isn't the size below the size below, it is in fact the size below the size below the size below the size below. For those who just fell off their chairs counting - that is four sizes below my diet start weight. Actually, I'm confused now too.
I checked the cardboard tag, then I checked the label. Most definitely that size below times four. At this point, I'm convinced the top that I've already tried on three times can't possibly fit. So, I try it on again. Parade around the house wearing the t-shirt asking is anything wrong with this picture, am told, 'no it looks fine to me.' To which I replied, 'Then I am the size below x4.'
I was laughed at. 'No you're not.'
Okay, I'm not. I am most definitely not but I am so wearing this t-shirt with the tag facing outwards. That'll confuse people.
(Because even when you have Freedom switched on there are always ways to procrastinate)
- The David Tennant Doctor Who figure is taller than the Matt Smith figure and for some reason I thought it would be the other way around. I should Google who is tallest. (To which the answer is a) yes David Tennant is taller and b) what an odd site and c) my Google-Fu found that in one click).
- Why have trays on your desk if you're not going to use them for anything sensible? And yes, labelling them WIP / Ideas / Guidelines / Writing Tips isn't much good if you're just going to throw everything into whatever tray you feel like.
- Making graphs is an awesome way to track your progress even if you're not making any progress because you're busy making graphs.
- Scribbling short story titles and throwing them into the trays would be awesome if you used the right trays or maybe had a short story title tray. Ooh, see now I have another reason to procrastinate and then later on I could blog* about all the silly things I write short story titles on like fruit pastille wrappers and gift tags and whatnot. You'd think there were no notebooks in this room.
- If you count all the unused notebooks in your office, you may find they total 30 (at least).
*I won't really blog about that... Although, in the words of James Bond, never say never.
I wonder which James Bond figure is the tallest?
By: Cate Gardner,
on 6/5/2012
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Three weeks ago (in this post), I realised I only had seven short stories out on submission. Wrists were slapped, stories were written, and now I have eleven stories out on submission. I must be really scary. Or at least I hope I am as I need to scare myself into writing another dozen or so. I just plucked that number out of the air, it isn't an actual 'I must write twelve stories' pact. I might write another four, I might write forty-four. Who knows! Life is one great big mystery. But there is one I really, really (and one more really) need to write and it must be scary.*
In those three weeks, I had a reprint accepted, which you'll all have noticed I got a little squee-happy about. The TOC is now online and all this happy dancing is great for my figure. Lois Tilton also reviewed the latest issue of The Journal of Unlikely Entomology over at Locus. Always good to have a story reviewed there. And I worked on one of my novels.
And in even more fabulous news, E Catherine Tobler had a story published in Clarkesworld. Clarkesworld!!! You should read it because it's awesome.
*note to self: don't just include spiders and feet.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/31/2012
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A few things...
Firstly, lazy people who buy supermarket pre-prepared salad deserve to discover its contents are mainly iceberg lettuce and red onion. You do not want me to breathe on you right now. Plus, discovering radishes are one calorie each makes them a heck of a lot tastier. I could eat radishes for breakfast, lunch, tea... Expect me to turn as red as a radish.
My diet has totally stalled over the last month and I was all arms flapping in the air (though obviously not flapping enough) and bemoaning how unfair it was that I was dieting and not losing anything and then I thought about it a little and realised I'd probably become complacent and let extra calories slip in thus I am on an 800 calorie a day diet for two weeks and then I'll go back to 1400. Plus I'm heading for the lift and not the stairs. Most of the time. I've also ramped up my exercise a little if only as a warning to aliens not to invade Earth. The logic in this is, they'll be flying over Liverpool, wonder what the seismic shift is, see me dancing and flee back to their mother planet.
I saved you all.
But I still can't have cake.
And now other awesome things...
You may have heard me mention how much I loved KC Shaw's
Jack of All Trades - seriously the book is delightful and I refuse to ever shut up about it - well now Kate has another book out,
Evil Outfitters Ltd which I have wanted to read for forever and is set in the same universe.
Trust me, you are going to want to read it.
And today... How much awesome book news can you take in one day? Well lots I suppose seen as you all love books.
Today, Ennis Drake's book
28 Teeth of Rage is released by Omnium Gatherum. It will be available as both and e-book and a paperback. You can read the blurb
here.
Ennis's short stories have previously appeared in
Horror Library 4 and
Twisted Legends. 28 Teeth is his first novel.
Now I shall go and scare off more aliens.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/28/2012
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If I had a bucket list, then getting into a
Prime Books anthology would be on it. So let me mark a tick in that box. My story 'Manipulating Paper Birds' (which first appeared in my
Strange Men collection) is to be reprinted in
Circus, Fantasy Under the Big Top edited by
Ekaterina Sedia. I've sent a huge thank you to the person who recommended the story.
A huge, huge thank you.
Isn't the cover awesome and creepy and well awesome?
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/23/2012
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Issue 3 of Phantasmagorium is now available to
buy. (Beware happy dancing occurring in the Liverpool area). It contains a reprint of my story 'The Sour Aftertaste of Olive Lemon' along with stories by Edward Morris, Cody Goodfellow, Ann K Schwader and Michael Cisco, and is edited by Joe Pulver.
So excited to see Olive Lemon in print again.
Photo stolen from the
Phantasmagorium web page. Go check them out (please).
I shall now return to daydreaming about summer days and Mr Whippy ice cream.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/20/2012
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Issue 3 of The Journal of Unlikely Entomology is now live and contains my story The Familiar Buzz of Gone, a tale of missed opportunities and a man made of flies. The issue also contains stories by Amanda C Davis (a reprint from Shock Totem and a story I love), J M McDermott, Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Conor Powers-Smith, Steven L Peck, and Juliet Kemp.
I know what I'm reading this week. Oh, and even if you don't have time to read all the stories you have to check out the artwork for each tale because the art is astounding.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/15/2012
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Work has been interesting of late... That is
work work, you know the folks who pay me. And in my dictionary, interesting means busy and working longer hours and thus I can't count the times I've sat at my computer at the end of the day and thought ugh!
Bad me.
Okay, not completely bad me as I have been plotting and plotting is writing sort of. Plotting is good. Except plotting isn't writing even if I just said it was. Hey, I've been working long hours you can't expect me to make sense especially when I don't always make sense when I'm working normal hours. Plus, plotting sometimes ends up with me singing really loudly and twirling in my chair when I'm supposed to be thinking of ideas. Anyhow, I've taken to carrying around a notebook with me (I've thousands upon thousands of notebooks) and have been scribbling a short story in spare moments here and there because sometimes I need to pants it.
Or maybe just require a kick in the pants.
Plus on a visit to Duotrope I realised I only had seven stories left that I need to sell and I much prefer it when I have twenty. Of course, I don't mind if I sell those seven and have none left. I'm odd like that.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/8/2012
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The British Fantasy Society has announced the shortlist for the British Fantasy Awards. They'll be awarded at Fantasycon in September. You can find the full list over at the BFS site.
Stoked to see so many awesome people nominated including Simon Bestwick, Simon Marshall Jones for Spectral Press, Robert Shearman, Angela Slatter, Peter Tennant, Daniele Serra, Gary Fry, Johnny Mains, Conrad Williams and Adam Nevill.
Guess I shall have to stay for the awards ceremony.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/7/2012
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To gear up for the latest print release from Morrigan Books, author Carole Lanham is sharing 31 secrets in 31 days from her award-winning short story collection The Whisper Jar. On May 31, 2012, The Whisper Jar will be available for purchase in paperback, and this is one secret Carole hopes you'll whisper far and wide. In the meantime, if you'd like to read the book before the end of the month, please pick up your copy of the ebook today at Amazon.
Secret Number 7
Hung by it's hood on the bough of a pine
Was a cape the color of a valentine.
Never pure white as it was before,
A crimson secret ever more...
~ The Adventures of Velvet Honeybone, Girl Werewuff
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/6/2012
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TTA Press are offering free electronic copies of Black Static issue 19, which includes fiction by Ray Cluley, Simon Clark, Steve Rasmic Tem, Joel Lane and Lavie Tidhar. Take my word for it, those stories are worth reading.
You can download the magazine at
Smashwords.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 4/15/2012
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My eldest nephew is the Grim Reaper. I bet you didn't expect me to say that on a Monday morning.
This weekend it was the Grand National horse race, which is a big deal in the country as a whole and an even bigger deal in Liverpool where the racecourse is. (Liverpool this, Liverpool that, do I ever shut up about my home town?). I love the horse racing but prefer the flat races and the Grand National can be particularly gruelling as horses seem to die jumping the fences every year. They'd made some safety changes to the course this year, but obviously still not enough to ensure the safety of the horses.
Anyway, onto the 'my eldest nephew is the Grim Reaper' business. Before the race started one of the horses (Synchronised) threw his jockey and made a bolt for it, to which my nephew said, 'That horse has so just had a final destination moment.' Synchronised was rounded up and entered the race, and within ten/fifteen minutes he'd fallen and needed to be put down. Makes you wonder if the horse did see what would happen.
Have you ever had a premonition?
In 1998 I had dozens of dreams about playing slot machines and gambling and they continued for a few weeks, culminating in the moment when I won a holiday to Las Vegas. Then, while in Vegas, I had a dream about an old-fashioned casino, with some very old slot machines away from the general floor and with a small avenue of shops running off it. When we found ourselves in that exact same casino (or as close to as my dream memory would allow) I said, 'Wow, this place is just like from my dream last night and in my dream the person next to me won a ton of cash from a slot machine.' Next moment...
...the slot machine next to me began spewing money.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 4/18/2012
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I'm having a strange old day.
There has been sadness (attended my uncle's funeral).
There has been madness (in work just after seven, then left at ten, then travelled by foot, train and car to the funeral and then by car, train and foot back into work which I eventually left at four.)
There has been gladness (awesome emails full of awesomeness, which included...)
An acceptance from Goldfish Grimm's Spicy Fiction Sushi for my story Through Bleached Bone, a futuristic tale set in a universe just left of ours, populated by SleepMakers and Ghost Beasts and good friends. Previous issues have included stories by Kurt Newton, Jaym Gates, Adam Israel and Carrie Cuinn.
Today has also been the day of the mega-huge barmcake full of fattening corned beef and mayo and red onion and alas a slight dip in my diet. But no chocolate. Although, I'm not certain there was room left for chocolate. Seriously, tiny Martians could have used the barmcake as a spaceship.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 4/23/2012
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Once upon a time a story appeared in a chapbook all of its own and its author, back then in disguise as her minion Catherine J Gardner, was rather excited about the event. It was the first time her name and only her name had appeared on a book and she never thought that would happen ever...like ever ever...and she still can't believe that it has happened again on four occasions. Of course, she is convinced that is that and she should hug her little books to her chest and never expect any more. Except in her dreams...
...because it never hurts to dream.
Anyway, she loved the story of Olive Lemon so much that she typed it up at the end of last year with the intention of sending it out into the world again as a reprint, only she never did until someone awesome invited her to write something for a magazine and she dared to ask if they'd read Olive's tale, thus...
Joe Pulver read and accepted
The Sour Aftertaste of Olive Lemon for
Phantasmagorium of which he has recently taken over editorial duties from Laird Barron. It will appear in print this May along with work from Cody Goodfellow, Ann K Schwader, Edward Morris and Michael Cisco.
Excited...some.
That's my third acceptance this month.
By: Cate Gardner,
on 4/26/2012
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This post is inspired by Carrie Cuinn and in honour of National Poetry Month...
A little poem (that may be stretching it) from my to read pile:
Ghosts Know
In the Dark of the Night
Fallen Pretty Monsters
Perchance to Dream
In the Shadow of Gotham
By: Cate Gardner,
on 4/29/2012
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Dear Weather,
You are miserable. I request that you cheer up immediately (although I will give you a deadline of tomorrow). I would like to spend the summer months sitting in the garden with a notebook writing something marvellous, or as marvellous as a first draft can be, and I don't have a waterproof pen or laminated notebook pages.
I promise I will add all the squall you want to my next WIP and will give rain a starring role so you won't be forgotten.
This afternoon, I shall bury my winter coat at the back of the wardrobe and will wear my new jacket to work tomorrow.
Your co-operation is appreciated,
Me (and several other writers in the UK)
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/1/2012
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My story Through Bleached Bone is published today at Goldfish Grimm's Spicy Fiction Sushi and there is also an interview where I as usual babble nonsense.
In other news, my outdated IE at work won't allow me to blog properly and so if this looks like gobbledygook well I guess it's gobbledygook (but hopefully the story isn't).
By: Cate Gardner,
on 5/2/2012
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A couple of months back I read Hunter Shea's first novel Forest of Shadows and loved it, so when Hunter asked if he could invade my blog to promote his new novel Evil Eternal, I offered a delighted yes....
Aaaahh, The Lazy Days of a Writer by Hunter SheaBack when I dreamt of one day becoming a published (horror) writer, I envisioned a typical day to consist of a few hours writing my next bestselling novel, followed by a nice nap and maybe a three martini lunch with my editor. I’d also buy a smoking jacket and pipe so I could look the part while I lounged about in my study.
Like all dreams, this is utter fantasy and has nothing to do with reality. I’ve been asked many times what a day in the life of an author is like. Allow me to peel back the curtain for a moment and let you in on the real deal. I figured I’d use a recent weekend as an example, since I had all day to work on my to-do list. (Here’s secret #1…most writers have day jobs, so we have to grab whatever time we can to work on our second, full-time job)
Bear in mind, I’ve been busy as can be with the release of my new book, Evil Eternal, but this is pretty standard.
• Wake up at 6:30am on Saturday, allow my eyes time to adjust and turn on my laptop.
• Go through my three email accounts to correspond with my agent, editor, colleagues & fans. (about 30 minutes)
• Work on the blog tour, which involves looking at various blogs to find the best stops on the tour (like Cate’s wonderful blog!). Then I have to reach out to each blog owner and outline my proposal. (1 hour)
• Stop for breakfast of toast with butter and orange juice. Do a quick clean of the bathroom and stare at the cat, exasperated that she has once again peed in the tub.
• Go to the various social media sites where I post and get information (Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, etc.), make updates, comment on others. (45 minutes)
• Work on the first draft of a book I’ve been writing for tweens who need their horror fix. R.L. Stine needs some competition! (1 hour, 30 minutes)
• Feign surprise when my kids wake up at the crack of noon. Make lunch for the family.
• The sun is out, so I move the laptop into the yard and work on revisions of my next adult horror novel. (3 hours)
• Go back to email accounts & social media to see if I need to reply to anything that’s come in since the morning. (30 minutes)
• Talk to my designer about plans for new logos, banners, etc. (15 minutes)
• Update my blog, including editing my Books page so Evil Eternal is listed first. This is maddeningly difficult to do and I consider pitching my laptop against the house. (1 hour, 30 minutes)
• Exhausted, trudge inside to eat dinner and, since I’m a horror writer and huge fan, line up a couple of horror movies to watch with the wifey so I can recharge.
• Pass out in the middle of the movie Devil Dolls. According to my wife, I missed nothing.
And there you have it. This is what I do on my leisurely weekend. If I win the lottery tomorrow and can leave my day job behind, this is pretty much what every day would look like.
The best part is, I wouldn’t trade this in for anyt
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This looks cool.
You know perhaps a sister publication is in order. The Despicable Gentlewoman's Quarterly?
Sort it out, Cate.
Yay! We are all so abominable!
That sounds great Deborah, although I must point out the Abominable Gentlemen are an equal opportunities employer..,
Yes, we are definitely Despicable Gentlewomen, Deborah (although I suspect Everington & Polson aren't abominable at all).
Don't say that! You'll blow all our street-cred!
I apologise.
Excellent; off for a read now.
Wonderful interview! Commented there, but yes. <3 it.