It was a sloppy rainy day, and my diaper was less than fresh. I was due for a change but I had my focus on my job. Pretty little Lizzy Lightfoot had crawled onto my play mat with a problem, and a big reward.
Seems Lizzy was more than just cute red cheeks and adorable chubby arms… she was THE major candy supplier this side of Halloween, and her stash had gone missin’.
I wasn’t a candy fiend like some… Elsie Pike whose fingers and mouth we perpetually stained ruby red or Mikey the Mooch who would sidle up behind at the slightest hint of sweetness. Sure, I had a lolly now and then to unwind after a long day’s play dates, but I knew when to say when. In my book, candy was sweet but Peekaboos and This-Little-Piggies where sweeter.
So when Lizzy toddles in, snot dribbling from her nose alluringly, and tells me that I has to help I says “What for?”
She reached into her diaper and pulled out Miss Daisy, the bright orange playpen ball so shiny it could blind Lady Justice all over again. Miss Daisy hadn’t been seen around “Lil’ Ones Daycare” for approximately 3 days and therefore, its existence had been completely forgotten. “You!” I manage to say after wiping a bubble of saliva from my mouth.
“Me,” she says coyly, batting those eyelashes with only one or two goobers still in them from the afternoon nap. “And I’m willing to share Miss Daisy with you at play time if you help me retrieve my goods.”
“Where are they” I asked, sweating hard to suppress the urge to shove that Golden Orb all the way into my mouth.
“Mikey the Mooch swiped ‘em when I was gettin’ a change but he couldn’t keep a lid on it. Word spread and that’s when Big George showed up.”
“I see,” I managed to say, eyes still on Miss Daisy.
Lizzy noticed my hungry gaze upon Miss Daisy and put it behind her. Out of sight, out of mind. “So you’ll help me?”
I nodded, wiped the dribble from the corner of my mouth and set off for The Corner. Big George spent a lot of time in The Corner when the big people put him in time out. He figured he’d save everyone time if he just set up camp there. He popped into this world a brawny 11 pounds and 3 ounces, and he hadn’t stopped there. He was a full head taller than me and I was no slouch.
“Hey, Big George,” I say, wastin’ no time. “You got somethin’ that don’t belong to ya’, and Lizzy wants it back.”
George looked at me with an amused grin, “No can do, Sammy, you know I have a sweet tooth.”
“We all know you haven’t got any teeth,” I say, “and if you did, I’d knock ‘em right out. Hand over the candy.” It wasn’t the smartest plan, but I really hadn’t developed the capacity for strategy or consequence judgment yet.
Big George gathered himself up to his full 26 inches and put his huge mitts on the straps of my overalls. I was a goner for sure, I closed my eyes and prepared to cry, but no blow came. Big George released me and I was free. When I opened my eyes, I saw Big George lumbering away lustily towards the beautiful Miss Daisy as she rolled slowly away.
Lil’ Lizzy clutched her bag of lollies to her chest and looked me and gave me a wink, “Too bad, Sammy. Looks like George has your goods now. And who’s left to help you?” She giggled and toddled away with her hoard.
I saw George slobbering over Miss Daisy, Lil’ Lizzy sucking on a lolly, and felt the squishy wetness in my diaper… and cried my face off.
…
Thanks Bill Waterson for ‘Tracer Bullet’!
…