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RtP: When one is undertaking a book contract, one must proceed with great caution. Have you ever seen a raccoon walk? It takes one step forward, then two steps back. Then two steps forward, then one step back. Then it walks sideways. [Visual aid for you] Much can be learned from observing the animal kingdom, you know. They are all parallels for us right here.

[I tend to feel more like this guy here.]

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Showdown: I clip along the street, head up, full of thoughts. There’s still at least an hour before I meet Clytie and Lady Gwen, show them a bit of Manhattan before they return to the aquarium. Then, I hear that voice, the one I still try to exorcise…. ”Twinkieeeee….” I stride on, pretending I don’t hear.

Too late. “Twinkieeee…” as she grabs my forearm, clutching with those pretty silk-painted nails, so now I must slow my gait.

“Hello, Louisa,” I say, barely turning my head. She looks stressed but still stylish, always so stylish, in her smart Prada ensemble of a very short skirt and snug fitted jacket of very just-so beige. She teeters on such needle-thin high heels I wonder how she’s able to walk at all. I keep up my pace, albeit slower.

“You got my messages?” she squeaks, now in sync with my stride, “And my card?”

“Yes,” I reply, still not looking at her. She’s clamped on like the Ugly Duchess now, carrying something in her other arm. It looks like a muff.

“Well, why didn’t you answer?”

* * *

Evil Editor put down the pages and raised his eyebrows. Chick lit. Not too bad. What about the query?

...tells the story of a giant animated Hostess Twinkie with the soul of a dead princess who dumps her acquaintance Louisa (who wears her muff on her forearm), in order to take her friends Clytie and Lady Gwen, the performing seals from the aquarium, on a tour of Manhattan to find the perfect...

"What the f--?" He scanned on. "Ah!"

...should appeal to fans of Bridget Jones' Diary and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland...

Opening: Panda Rosa.....Continuation: Anon.

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I'm wondering if it's important to have a super great title for my manuscript when I submit it to the slush pile. Should I spend a great deal of time and energy to get it just right, or do the majority of titles get changed along the way anyway?

Great title:
Ooo, that's catchy. Maybe the editor will take a little peek right now, instead of days or weeks from now.

Ok title:
Manuscript gets in line. No special treatment.

Bad/cliched title:
Without realizing it, the editor keeps sifting manuscript to the bottom of the pile. Months go by. Eventually, editor reads it and maybe realizes it's great! It just needs a new title. No problem.

Horrifying title: No answer because the editor didn't want to touch the manuscript long enough to reject it.


If you can come up with a super title, then do-- it can encourage prompt responses.

But do not overthink this, and if you aren't good at recognizing the difference between an awkwardly overwrought title and something that sparks reader interest (and many writers are not!), go ahead and give your MS a blah, vanilla-flavored title that can be easily changed and that at least won't hurt it during submission.

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. . . should check out this interesting post and discussion today at Ta-Nehisi Coates's blog, as I think a lot of what he and his commenters say about the writers and characters on television could apply to our discussions of children's publishing as well. I was especially struck first by this:

But whenever I read that XX field isn't diverse enough, I don't so much doubt the truth of it, as I think the charge deeply underestimates exactly the price being exacted for white supremacy in this country, and the length of time for which it went unchecked. We're 50 years into a truly democratic, non white-supremacists America. Congratulations. But we we spent some 150 years in which the country's major institutions--its government, its business, its churches, its block associations, its military, its police force, its labor unions--in the main, aided and abetted white racism. There are certainly exceptions, but I tend to think that the long-term damage done is incalculable and has a lot to do with how we live today.

and then later by these comments, also from Ta-Nehisi:

For minorities, I think people really need to think about what kind of people go into writing, and what sort of backgrounds they generally hail from. I know in magazines, the sort of profile for writers (family, generally, pretty well-educated, sent the writer to an Ivy) doesn't match up that well with black people. People always ask "Why aren't there many minority XXX?" But there are a lot of questions that should precede that one.

. . .

Again, speaking only for magazines, it takes a particular person who can write, and then a particular person who can write in that format. This isn't simply a talent question, it takes a particular endurance, and it takes time to develop that endurance. How do you get that time? Money--or a willingness to live without it. Take color out the equation--there are very few people who can do the job. Finding good writers--of any color--is extremely difficult.

Now, just speaking for a black people, look at a group that's only 13 percent of the pop, and isn't as well educated. Then take the fact that the group's families tend to be less wealthy, thus making it hard to get the time to get good. Take into account that, often, when someone from this group "makes it" they have brothers/sisters/mothers/grandmothers/grandfathers who they have to also worry about. I think a lot of us say, "Man, I kids to feed" and go for the sure thing. The point is that you're already talking about a small pool, and for black people it's almost certainly even smaller.

Does this mean media should say, "Oh well, we tried." Nope. But it means media should get smarter. If you really are concerned about diversity then you need to start with high school kids. You can't start looking for fully formed adults. You need to set aside fellowships for people from particular economic backgrounds to help them learn the craft. You have to think broader and bigger.

I don't disagree with the core goal, I just suspect that it may require more than we think.

I've been thinking a lot about the "Why are there so few minorities in children's literature?" question since the Liar controversy -- well, before then, too, but Liar was the tipping point for me, as it was for many people -- and I think these comments get at one part of an answer (though of course not the whole answer, if such a thing were even possible). I genuinely do not receive many submissions from people of color (who can be identified as such, that is), and with those that I do, as TNC says, "It takes a particular person who can write, and a particular person who can write in that format" -- someone who wants to write the literary sort of book we publish at Arthur A. Levine Books, and can pull it off to our standards. (And I acknowledge here the problematic nature of "literary" and "standards," though I'm not going to go into that at this hour of the night.) The point is, that is not a large pool of writers altogether of any race, and as black people (to take the minority TNC is thinking of) are thirteen percent of the population, the segment submitting mss. to us, and therefore getting them published, is correspondingly rather small.

None of which excuses any publisher from a responsibility to remember the shameful history TNC alludes to in the first paragraph I quoted, and to try to represent all voices now (which we at AALB do), and even to go beyond that -- to get smarter, as he says above. And I am really, genuinely, not meaning to make excuses with this post, and I'm sorry if you're hearing it that way. I'm saying, as I understand TNC to be, that if we look at the question culturally, there are larger reasons this lack of minorities is happening in our industry, and across most media; and while we need to address the problem where we live, certainly, these reasons are worth thinking about as well.

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I want to talk about nonfiction for a moment... since that's what I do. I must wonder why I do it since it takes a lot more work than fiction. Anyway, when you get down to it, a lot of historical nonfiction is fiction in a way. When all the people you're writing about are dead it becomes a he said she said kind of thing. What is the truth? Even now, when things are videotaped (you'd presume it to be the truth) IS it?

The other day I was flipping through Palin's new book while at work. I know I know, but I was bored. Don't judge! Anyhow, she wrote about the video that went viral--the one where she was interviewed in front of a turkey being beheaded last thanksgiving. She said she didn't know that there was a turkey behind her and that they turned the camera to an odd angle to catch it. I thought--how awful! What a terrible thing for a camera man to do! I felt bad for Palin. So, of course, when I got home I promptly hunted down the video on YouTube. Boy did my opinion change! It was not shot at an angle. The scene was shot with her straight on and the turkey directly behind her. Yes, the camera man knew what was going on but she should have as well! It did not look like they were trying to one up her at all. So what's the truth? Did she or did she not know about the turkey? There was a lot of noise going on, too--cries for help via the turkey and that sort of thing.

When I did research for Strong Man I got all sorts of conflicting information about when exactly Atlas died. Was he 79 or 80? His grave stone said one thing, his official website said another... and his obits were all over the place.

Now that I'm working on a book about a dog. Was he black or brown? All the kids' book covers illustrate him as brown but it turns out that he's stuffed i a museum (odd, I know) and he's brown. Did he age and turn brown or was he always brown? Perhaps the old news articles made him look black because they were in black and white.

So what I must conclude is that there is no one truth for anything. It's all a matter of perspective. Nonfiction writing is a job of taking what people say and then making your best educated guess as to what the truth really is. Perhaps if I were writing about math then things would be different... but I can promise you all now that me and math are like fire and ice. We don't get along. So I will continue to make educated guesses and hope that kids can learn to do the same as well.

meghan

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Hello all,

I will be doing a signing from 12 - 4 at the Brooklyn Museum this saturday. Many of my lovely fellow authors/illustrators will be there as well. So, if you're in the area, stop on by!

meghan

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This week the 2009 National Book Award Finalist for Children's Literature was announced. The title is Claudette Colvin: Twice Towards Justice. The book was written by Phillip Hoose and published by Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.

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Queries Wanted for Upcoming Novel & Short Story Writer's Market...

Besides CWIM, there are a few million other exciting things I work on in the WD Community. One of them is editing Novel & Short Story Writer's Market, CWIM's sister publication solely for fiction writers.

I'm currently planning the lineup for the 2011 edition, and I'm looking for queries for articles and interviews for NSSWM. The articles are broken up into these categories:

• The Writing Life
• Craft & Technique
• Getting Published
• For Mystery Writers
• For Romance Writers
• For Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Writers

I'm most in need of material for the genre sections, but open to queries for all. I've also go a few spots to fill in our annual "Premier Voices" feature for which we interview debut fiction writers, so if you're a first-time novelist, I'd love to hear from you as well.

If you'd be interested in writing for me, email me at alice.pope@fwmedia.com with your ideas.

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Guess the Plot

Along the Beach

1. The waves roll in bringing Gobby. The waves roll out saying, "No Returns". Gobby will become the Pied Piper of W(h)ales and lead crabs, beachcombers, and romantically inclined pets to take revenge on the Sky Reflected below. But first, a seaweed/squid-ink cooking festival.

2. The California coast is both rugged and beautiful. And when random body parts start washing ashore on beaches ranging from Ventura to Corona Del Mar, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: there's more than two victims, and he'll finally get a chance to see the tide pools.

3. Dave made his 843rd walk along the beach, collecting driftwood for his fire. Since being stranded he'd given up clothes, wearing only a layer of mud against the sun and insects. But today would be different. Yes, this was one wilderness camp the Girl Scouts would not soon forget.

4. Lee's mom told him he would one day meet his soul mate . . . along the beach. It was a prophecy he would never forget, that he would, in fact, become obsessed with. But after decades of searching, he begins to wonder if maybe he should have asked her which beach.

5. Karen gets up early every morning just so she can watch that hunky guy jog past her beach cottage. He hasn't even noticed her, and now her vacation's half over. Will she take up jogging and join him tomorrow morning? Or just assume he's a jerk and admire the view?

6. Four children have drowned since Chip Barker got hired as lifeguard at the community pool, all because Chip was too busy flirting with bikini babes to pay attention to the swimmers. He's promised to turn over a new leaf, but as he watches the kiddie pool on the hottest day of the year, Chelsea walks by in her gold bikini. Tragedy ensues.


Original Version

[I've gone through three iterations on my query, and wonder if the solution as this point is grabbing portions from each and merging into a fourth version that takes the prize. Or not.]

QUERY EXAMPLE #1

Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),

Soulmates. Faith. Destiny. “Fanciful words,” many would say. But not Lee Merrick.

Those words are with him day and night. Intriguing him. Haunting him. And quite possibly driving him mad. [I'm not sure what "fanciful" means in this context. Why can't fanciful words be with a person day and night, intriguing and haunting him?] His only hope is to find the truth behind the enchanting visions of a woman he has fallen in love with but has never met. [His only hope of what?]

Along the Beach is a 107,000-word novel journeying from the outermost reaches of the globe [What are the outermost reaches of the globe?] to the inner depths of the soul.

Far away from his Los Angeles home photographing exotic shorelines, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the “Lady in White.” Could she be the woman first revealed in a prophecy foretold in his youth—that he will someday meet his soulmate along the beach? [Maybe. Did the prophecy mention that his soul mate would be in white? Did it mention anything besides the beach? I ask only because when you go to the beach, you tend to see dozens of people who might be your soul mate. Once I was sitting on the beach and a group of nine women walked by, seven of them being my soul mates.] Yet a secret from long-ago [which I will not reveal to you, although you can find out by requesting my manuscript,] compels his own mother to stop at nothing to prevent his success. [If you just say "his mother," we'll figure out that you mean "his own mother."] On a path of self-discovery spanning a decade, Lee faces the unknown in faraway places, and will ultimately be confronted with his greatest challenge: to overcome the logic of his inner doubts holding back his certainty that beyond the vision of her spirit, breathes this mysterious woman somewhere in the world. [That one sentence is a deal killer.] [Now that he's narrowed down her location to "somewhere in the world," it's just a matter of time before he finds her.] For he knows that he will never be whole until he touches her hand, to unite with the one who already completes his most sacred thoughts [My most sacred thoughts involve Jessica Alba, and I don't need a soul mate to complete them.] and echoes his own heartbeat–his other half.

My metaphysically-themed piece ATLANTIS, ARISE appeared in the national magazine {magazine title listed here} Vol. 84, No. 2. For almost two decades, I have affiliated and sojourned with mystical societies to several continents showcased in the story. These personal experiences and background provide authenticity throughout the work. [On the other hand, the fact that you've spent decades sojourning with mystical societies brands you as a borderline lunatic.]

Thank you for considering Along the Beach.

Sincerely,

[That one's not gonna cut it, let's see what we have in the second version.]


QUERY EXAMPLE #2

Dear {Mr./Ms. Agent’s Last Name}

A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. [These are a few of my favorite things...] A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. [Those didn't sound like situations that would require a guide.] For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary. [The items in that list were all dangerous, but they didn't seem extraordinary.]

As her ethereal hands guide his at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, Lee wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet “Her” along the beach. [The woman in white guides him out of all these dangerous situations and makes him a piano virtuoso, but he's still wondering if she's the woman in the prophecy?] But the dark secret of his mother’s own deadly prophecy compels her to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will. [How often does Mom announce her prophecies, and how often have they come true?]

Time is running out for Lee. Mounting clues beckon him toward finding this woman who pleads for him to believe that she and her love for him are real, but he may not uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom.

ALONG THE BEACH is a 107,000-word New Age novel.

My metaphysically-themed piece Atlantis, Arise appeared in the national magazine [magazine title listed here] vol. 84. The pyramids, temples, and mysterious places highlighted in Along The Beach are written with authenticity based on nearly two decades of sojourns exploring those locations across the world with metaphysical societies.

Thank you for considering Along The Beach.

Sincerely,


{Full contact info listed here}

[Third time's the charm, they say.]


QUERY EXAMPLE #3

Dear Mr./Ms. {Agent’s Last Name}

Do you believe in soul mates? Do you believe that they are destined to meet, if they follow their truest life’s path? Lee Merrick cannot let go of these questions. He cannot let go of a woman whom he has loved but never met. [I loved a woman I never met. She was at an 866 number. I didn't love her so much when I got my VISA bill.]

Along the Beach is a 107,000-word visionary New Age novel which takes the reader around the world.

Traveling as a nature photographer to exotic shorelines far from home, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the "Lady in White." On a journey of discovery spanning a decade, he faces the unknown in faraway places, while confronting his doubts that he will ever realize a prophesy given in his youth—that he will someday meet his soul mate along the beach.

My metaphysically-themed piece ATLANTIS, ARISE appeared in the national magazine {title} Vol. 84, No. 2. For almost two decades, I have affiliated and sojourned with mystical societies to several continents showcased in the story. These personal experiences lend an air of authenticity to the work.

Thank you for considering Along the Beach.

Sincerely,

{Author name/full contact info}

[nb: Example 3's opening swas hot down due to some agents loathing rhetorical questions] [While it goes without saying that rejecting a query for no reason other than rhetorical questions is the height of anal, nitpicking buffoonery (I, personally, would have read past the questions and rejected you for calling your novel "visionary"), your rhetorical questions are irrelevant and meaningless.

[Strike 3.]


Notes

He's in love with the woman in white? Have the conversations he's had with her in her ethereal form amounted to more than her telling him she's real? While she's pleading with him to believe her love for him is real, why doesn't she mention which beach she's hanging out on?

I recommend just summarizing the main plot:

In his youth, Lee's mother, a Gypsy fortune teller with proven psychic abilities, prophesied that he would meet his soul mate on a beach. Ever since, Lee has had visions of a mysterious woman in white who saves him whenever rhinoceroses attack. But now, as Lee pursues his destiny on the beaches of the world, he finds his quest thwarted . . . by his mother, who will stop at nothing to prevent her prophecy from manifesting.

That seems to be the important stuff; expand on it with a few specifics, and leave out the new age mumbo jumbo.

If mom is trying to prevent the prophecy from being correct, I assume it's not guaranteed to be correct. Also, if she didn't want him to find his soul mate, why didn't she foretell that he would find her in Kansas?

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As I started writing this blog, I wasn’t sure how to approach the anniversary. Would I deal with historical dates? Should I dwell on the usual travelogue descriptions of the island, or write about the obligatory reference to its diverse cultural and racial makeup? And politics, there’s always politics. Autonomy, statehood, independence, the use of English as the official language in (Puerto Rico’s) federal courts, etc., etc.

Luckily, I found a video clip that illustrates perfectly the integrating and opposing forces of the Puerto Rican experience; what unites us and divides us. Enjoy!

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I’m an aspiring author with one magazine credit and a fabulous agent. I’ve recently had some good news, an editor from a major publishing house is interested in my manuscript (the joy, the terror). She’s currently circulating copies to her colleagues and I’m waiting for news and trying not to hold my breath. I’ve had a lot of positive feedback from other editors (via said fabulous agent); however, the outstanding concern is that the manuscript might not be long enough for the age group (I aimed it at 8-12, though some publishers felt it would be better as a 9+). The manuscript is 32,000 words long. I do know this is short, however it felt like the natural length for this specific story. It’s a long preamble, but I would love an editor’s honest take on this situation. Is a short story just too costly to print? are they unpopular/unsaleable? or are they trying to let me down easy? I’ve indicated that I’d be more than happy to write more (provided it was more that added to the story, not just more words to bulk out each chapter), and that I would be thrilled to have an editor’s opinion/brainstorming power to help me with some ideas. Besides that, is there anything I can do?

No, that's the right approach to take. In your position, I would assume that those editors who simply rejected it on the grounds that it's too short didn't have any particular ideas (or at least, ones they wanted to share) for how it might be longer.

It's possible you will find an editor who will be willing to publish this at its current length (it's on the short side, but I can think of shorter things published for middle school), or you will find an editor who's interested in brainstorming ways to make it longer.

If I were you, I would be thinking hard now about how you might make it longer (in a way that, as you say, serves the story rather than just padding it). If you're feeling stuck, ask your agent what she feels are the primary strengths of the manuscript and then concentrate on what you could do to develop those more.

Waiting and worrying are probably the couple of worst things for authors, but the good news is you have something to do that prevents both of them! That is: writing.

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Haven’t read National Book Award winner Colum McCann’s fiction yet, but I like the advice he gave Marlon James: Risk sentimentality.

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So, what does it mean--if anything--that Phillip Hoose's National Book Award winning Claudette Colvin: Twice Toward Justice is ineligible for the Coretta Scott King Award (because Hoose is white) and Jerry Pinkney's Lion & the Mouse is in the same position because it isn't about black people? Does it not matter, or have the CSK awards painted themselves into a corner?

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Sooo, my search for the red dress and my Today show outfit is winding down. While there were many, many gorgeous (and expensive) red dress/top combos I have narrowed it down to 2! Yes, 2! Aren't you proud of me?

But I can't decide between the 2...and this is where YOU come in! Tell me which one you think I should wear, PLEASE:

outfit A (an ebay found anthropologie dress):
or B (a preloved--my favorite store--sweater and gray skirt):

Both have been chosen for their color (you know how I insisted on lucky red) and appropriateness (I looked at what other authors wore and tried not to go toooo overboard) in mind.

Let me know what you think! Leave a comment at my gracenotes blog with your choice and your reason why! To one random commenter I will send a jar of Very Berry Cherry PEI preserves, fresh from my recent PEI vacation (it's really good jam, you HAVE to try it. soooo yummy!).

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The author of the opening in New Beginning 663 has posted a revised version. It's in the comments there, awaiting your reaction.

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The National Book Award Winner in the YP Lit Category Goes to...

Phillip Hoose, Claudette Colvin: Twice Toward Justice

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Should You Be on Facebook? Is Tweeting Really Necessary? Talking Online Presence with Loren Long...

I took Monday and Tuesday off work this week for no other reason than to use up some PTO (that expires at the end of the year). One of my Monday activities way having lunch with illustrator Loren Long and his wife Tracy. (Loren also lives and works here in the Nati.)

During lunch at the cafe at Joseph-Beth Booksellers (because I thought it appropriate and because they have great vegetarian chili), Loren, Tracy and I talked a lot about online presence. Loren has a website but has not ventured much beyond that. Does an author with more than a dozen fabulous books under his belt--who works with publishers like Philomel and Simon & Schuster, who is on the Jon Scieska's Trucktown team--need to be blogging? Be on Facebook? Twitter? It couldn't hurt.

It's no secret that authors/illustrators have a big responsibility in their own promotion. The more you're out there, the more connections you make, the more friends you have, the more conversations you get into, the better. Networking should start before you get published (see Christina Katz's Get Known Before the Book Deal) and keep rolling along once you have a book or two or ten out in the world.

That doesn't mean you have to use every social network avenue available. Twitter is not everyone's cup of tea. And heaven help us if everyone had a blog. But if you've got a blog's worth of things to say that would be interesting/useful/informative/inspiring then go for it. If you enjoy being part of the conversation and can fit it into your schedule, tweet away. But if these things aren't you, if they'd be drudgery, move along. But at least try things out to see what fits--you might really enjoy participating in the conversation. (And sometimes that conversation will be about your work.)

Speaking of work, here are a few of my favorite Loren Long covers. So so beautiful. (And now I'm off to hang up my autographed Otis poster.)

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I know you guys are already onboard, but here's your friendly reminder to buy books for all your holiday gifts over the coming weeks. (Yes, all of them!! Do I look compromising to you?!?!)

Here was my plea last year for why books make even better gifts now than they did in the past. Here's my address of the rebuttal that all unprofitable industries should fold, and here's my post where I insist buying books for holiday gifts does not mean I don't love and support libraries! Yes, I want you to help me save my industry so I can continue to have a job (and so authors can have hope of being published), but I also believe in promoting literacy, and that a book makes a great gift during this economic downturn because it costs between $10 and $20, especially with your holiday coupons/member rewards/free shipping.

Over the last year, we came far. We made the Facebook group Buy a Book, Save the World! which pretty much says it all.

Here's my personal list of gift choices, for your convenience. It's based on what to buy for whom based on what they might have liked in the past. The list hasn't been updated since last year because alas I have been rereading the Wheel of Time instead of anything else in the world. But consider this your opportunity to tell me great books you read in 2009 that I should buy as gifts for others.

Furthermore, the Mischief Published in 2009 list will go live tomorrow. Here's your last chance to submit your details. Don't make me stalk you.

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Tip of the Week: Always read all of the directions, and then follow them.

Now before all of the people who entered the contest worry that I'm talking about them, calm down. I'm not. In fact every single person who entered my contest had a perfect entry -- just the way I wanted it.

However, I thought of this tip because I've been reading submissions for The Bloom Award over at Blooming Tree Press, and there people have not always been as successful. Remember when it says double-spaced, it means double-spaced. Not 1 1/2 spaced, not triple spaced. Double spaced.

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Submit an amusing scene from your WIP or any unpublished work you've written. Especially one you'd like feedback on. 300 words max, deadline Sunday, 10 AM eastern.

Don't change it for the exercise. If we need to know what's going on to appreciate it, you may provide a one or two sentence set-up. If your scene is longer than 300 words, cut from the beginning or the end, but not from the middle.

If there's nothing even mildly amusing in your writings, you'll just have to start from scratch and write something funny for us.

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Okay, we're going for Sunday, December 6, 10 AM eastern. Author will be there.

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---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Marsha’s first 16 lines:

“Kari Marchant, please.”

“Speaking.”

“I’m calling for Captain Nicolet,” a young female voice said. “He’d like you to meet him at his office at 3 p.m. today? Can you do that?”

“Okay. Did he say why?”

“Only that he wanted to show you something.” Kari’s heart fluttered in her chest. She was excited. Just 48 hours ago, she’d made love Rance -– Capt. Rance Nicolet. It was already 2:15 p.m. She hurriedly showered, slipped on faded jeans and cotton t-shirt, hastily applied makeup, spritzed on perfume, and ran out the door. She fiddled with her appearance the entire drive to the Ophelia Police Department.

She found Rance talking to his secretary at her desk. They both looked up when she came in and acknowledged her with a nod. He looked her over from head to toe. When his eyes met hers, they appeared angry. His tone was harsh when he said, “Follow me.” They entered the corridor outside his office and headed to the elevators. In the elevator, he pushed the button for the basement. No words were exchanged. The tension between them was palatable. When the elevator doors opened, the signed posted on the wall read, Morgue. Kari’s heart started beating rapidly.

Would you turn Masha's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.(trends) No go for me

While Marsha starts with an immediate scene, I found that a number of these first 16, vital lines were spent on “throat-clearing” along with some telling. Though there is a story question raised—what does the captain want?—the inclusion of references to the love-making steer it away from the invitation being about a crime, which might have been a stronger hook for this reader. Some brief notes, and then a look at an edited alternate opening from a little later in the narrative.

“Kari Marchant, please.”

“Speaking.” (While this dialogue sequence sounds “normal,” and it introduces a character’s name, it’s a waste of valuable lines, for my money. This could have opened with the next paragraph and her name worked in with the response.)

“I’m calling for Captain Nicolet,” a young female voice said. “He’d like you to meet him at his office at 3 p.m. today? Can you do that?” (The detail of “young” doesn’t seem necessary as it causes no response in the character.)

“Okay. Did he say why?” (Again, in a “real” phone call, the conversation might have gone this way. But this is fiction where you can condense dialogue to what the story needs to be said. For example, in this case the previous paragraph could have included this and some from the next paragraph: “I’m calling for Captain Nicolet,” a female voice said. “He would like to show you something at his office at three o’clock. Can you do that?”)

“Only that he wanted to show you something.” Kari’s heart fluttered in her chest. She was excited. Just 48 hours ago, she’d made love to Rance -– Capt. Rance Nicolet. It was already 2:15 p.m. She hurriedly showered, slipped on faded jeans and cotton t-shirt, hastily applied makeup, spritzed on perfume, and ran out the door. She fiddled with her appearance the entire drive to the Ophelia Police Department. (Here, “She was excited” is “telling,” and it’s followed by showing that lets us know the emotion, so I cut it. The time of day doesn’t seem necessary at all, and doesn’t seem to figure in the story, so that’s overwriting. The last sentence about fiddling with her appearance is more “telling.” Instead, try to show it. For example, At every stop on the way downtown, she checked her hair and her makeup in the rearview mirror. That example is not artful, I’ll admit, but it is a start toward “showing.”)

She found Rance talking to his secretary at her desk. They both looked up when she came in and acknowledged her with a nod. He looked her over from head to toe. When his eyes met hers, they appeared angry. His tone was harsh when he said, “Follow me.” They entered the corridor outside his office and headed to the elevators. In the elevator, he pushed the button for the basement. No words were exchanged. The tension between them was palatable palpable. When the elevator doors opened, the signed posted on the wall read, Morgue. Kari’s heart started beating rapidly. (The cuts here were more overwriting—the inclusion of action or detail that’s just not needed. The line about the tension being palpable was telling—and “palatable” means “tastes good.” Lastly, I’m against the use of “started to” as a description. Try to make it part of her experience. You’ll see how I changed this in the following piece.)

So I’ve taken the liberty of cutting out a lot of excess from the following narrative and rearranged things a little to see if we can craft a more intriguing opening. Tell me what you think.

When Kari got to Captain Rance Nicolet’s office at the police station, he looked her over. His tone harsh, he said, “Follow me.” He didn’t seem like the same man she’d made love to only two days before.

When they passed the Morgue sign in the basement, curiosity turned to alarm and her pulse picked up. “What’s going on? Why am I here?”

All she got was a cold-eyed glance. They stopped in front of a curtained glass window. He rapped on the glass and the curtains were pulled back. There on the slab was Earl Lewis, a man she’d just spoken to yesterday. He had a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead.

She gasped. She’d never seen a dead body before. She turned to Rance and screeched, “What’s wrong with you?’ She turned and fled down the hall.

He caught her and spit out, “You’re what’s wrong. His daughter found him shot in the head in front of his television. She told us you were the last person he saw.” He loosened his grip. “I told you when we first met to let this go. Now you’ve got to prove you had nothing to do with this.”

She shook herself free. “I thought you knew me better than this.”

“Just because you sleep with someone doesn’t mean you know them any better than anyone (snip)

Does this alternate opening work to turn the page for you (from a storytelling point of view)?(answers)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

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Children's
R.J. Anderson/FAERY REBELS: SPELL HUNTER (Fantasy, HarperCollins Children's, age 10+, April): A fierce young faery fights to save her dying people while concealing her forbidden love for a human.

Rebecca Barnhouse / THE BOOK OF THE MAIDSERVANT (middle grade historical fiction, Random House, October): A medieval pilgrimage to Rome. Difficulty! Danger! Abandonment! Love? "A compelling read."--Horn Book

Nancy Coffelt/Big, Bigger, Biggest (Picture Book, Henry Holt, April 2009): A bright read-aloud introducing children to the wide world of synonyms.

Emily Ecton / NIGHT OF THE LIVING LAWN ORNAMENTS (Middle Grade adventure, Aladdin Books, March 2009). When lawn ornaments and knickknacks start coming to life, two kids and a dog must stop them from destroying downtown.

Jacqui Robbins/Two of a Kind (Picture book, Atheneum, July): Mean Girls for the playground set

Pamela S. Turner/The Frog Scientist (Nonfiction children's book, Houghton Mifflin, August): Describes how Tyrone Hayes studies the effects of pesticides on frogs. 4 reviews, 4 stars.

Pamela S. Turner/Prowling the Seas: Exploring the Hidden World of Ocean Predators (Nonfiction children's book, Walker, October): Follows the travels of a sea turtle, white shark, bluefin tuna, and two seabirds given high-tech tags by scientists.

YA
Nancy Coffelt/Listen (YA, Westside Books, October 2009): Two boys, running from their pasts, are thrown to together when a baby in town goes missing.

Lyn Miller-Lachmann/Gringolandia (YA Historical, Curbstone Press, 2009): "...international politics, the consequences of torture, complex family dynamics, and first loves"--Horn Book

Hannah Moskowitz/BREAK (Contemporary YA, Simon Pulse, August): With his dysfunctional family falling apart around him, Jonah goes on a mission to break every bone in his body.

Aprilynne Pike/WINGS (YA, HarperTeen, May): Everything changes when fifteen-year-old Laurel learns she's a fairy.

Cindy Pon/SILVER PHOENIX: BEYOND THE KINDGOM OF XIA (YA, Greenwillow, April): fantasy inspired by ancient China; named in top ten fantasy/sci fi novels for youth in 2009 by ALA's Booklist.

Maggie Stiefvater/SHIVER (YA, Scholastic, August). Bittersweet love story about a boy who becomes a wolf each winter. Involves metaphors, werewolves, and kissing.

Fiction
KS Augustin / GUARDING HIS BODY (Contemporary romance / Total-E-Bound /
November 2009): A female martial artist guards a very male, very delectable
body.

TJ Bennett/THE PROMISE (Historical Romance, Medallion Press, May 2009): A mercenary must convince an unwilling widow to marry him in order to keep a promise to a dying friend.

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Pretty Is as Pretty Dies (Cozy Mystery, Midnight Ink,
August 2009): A feisty octogenarian sleuth tracks down a killer in a small Southern town.

Susan Helene Gottfried/ ShapeShifter: The Demo Tapes: Year 2 (mainstream story anthology/Lulu/September) The Trevolution continues!

Maureen Lipinski/A BUMP IN THE ROAD (Commercial Women's Fiction, St. Martin's, June): A newly married couple must make the transition from beer bottles to baby bottles after an unexpected pregnancy.


Annette Lyon/TOWER OF STRENGTH (Historical Fiction, Covenant Communications, March): Being widowed at eighteen was hard; a mother at nineteen was harder; learning to love again—too much to ask.

Marie Mutsuki Mockett/PICKING BONES FROM ASH (Fiction, Graywolf, October): Three generations of women intersect in Japan and California.

Stuart Neville/THE GHOSTS OF BELFAST (US)/THE TWELVE (UK) (Thriller, Harvill/Soho, July/October): An ex-IRA hitman roams Belfast seeking revenge for his own victims.

Briane Pagel/ECLIPSE (Sci-fi, Lulu.com): "Claudius wanted to be the first to reach the stars, and maybe he was... or maybe things went murderously wrong."

Lydia Sharp (and 21 others; Alva J. Roberts, editor) / SHADOWS & LIGHT: TALES OF LOST KINGDOMS (Fantasy, Pill Hill Press, September)

S. W. Vaughn/HUNTED (Urban fantasy, Lyrical Press, June 2009): A young woman discovers that angels are real, her father may have been one, and some of them are trying to kill her.

Jaye Wells/RED-HEADED STEPCHILD (Urban Fantasy, Orbit, April): A mixed blood assassin struggles to prevent a war brewing between the mage and vampire races.

Nonfiction
Helen Couchman, introductory essay by Dr Anthony Gorman/Mrs. West's Hats (art, Soloshow Publishing, November 09): Mrs. West (1909-1993) was my grandmother and this work is prompted by my memories of her.

David Dvorkin/BUSINESS SECRETS FROM THE STARS (Satire/humor, Norilana Books, April): A book of inane business aphorisms from an invented interstellar tycoon endangers its author when dangerous people take it seriously.

Charles Allen Gramlich/WRITE WITH FIRE (Nonfiction/Writing related, Borgo Press, July 2009): "Both beginning and advanced writers will benefit from this straightforward look at the art of creating publishable fiction" --Robert Reginald

Marsha Moore/24 HOURS LONDON (Non-fiction travel guide, Prospera Publishing, November 2009): Top tips for what's happening any moment in time from London's only hour-by-hour guide.

Hannah Faith Notess/JESUS GIRLS: TRUE TALES OF GROWING UP FEMALE AND EVANGELICAL (Creative Nonfiction, Cascade Books, September): Stories “by experienced women writers from diverse evangelical Christian backgrounds; the tales are honest, approachable and revealing.” –Publishers Weekly

Bruce Pollock/ By the Time We Got to Woodstock: The Great Rock and Roll Revolution of 1969 (Music History, Backbeat Books, September): A caustic and humorous look at 1969, a defining year in the life and death of the counter culture.

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