So it's Sunday and I've been writing for about three hours. It's been a good day for getting creative and enjoying some time for just me.I've been listening to the CD from Imagine Dragon and taking my characters deeper into the sci fi world running around in my head. Honestly I've tried to figure out what genre I can categorize my writing as. I've been asked several times to describe what I write and quite frankly the only thing I can come up with is the only common denominator they all have is romance. There is always a tortured love going on somewhere in the story line and after that it's basically a crap shoot. It is where my head is at the time, what strikes me when I'm out and about or what catches my eye in the back yard.

I have no formula, other than to say I am a hopeless romantic who loves the ying and the yang of relationships. Smooth, roller coaster, certainty, insanity, the common bond is the idea of forever. I will always find a way, it seems, to bring two people together and have them fight against adversity. It's just the form that the adversity takes that makes each journey...genre, different. So I guess the best way to describe my writing is to say this...I write about the fantasy I wish could be the reality; minus the demons, aliens and nazi's. ;)

I know it's been a long time since I've felt the need to express the inner workings that is me, but I once again find myself searching for answers and thought throwing it out there might at least lighten the weight. I've been feeling things lately that are strange and completely foreign to me. I'm not sure how to deal with them or really why I am having them. If I had to guess, I would say a lot of change in a very small amount of time, but I'm not completely confident in that answer. Given the fact that they are very new for me, I find myself questioning my own reasoning. This will probably sound as if I am being completely childish and down right whiney, but I will spill and let you be the judge. This is only the second holiday in 50 years that I have ever been away from family. The last time was about 29 years ago and it was also Thanksgiving day. My parents and brother had moved to Las Vegas the month prior and I was still living in California. Stevie was 7 months old and Ronnie and I were beginning our little family life together. My mom and I spent the entire day on the phone and crying. The next month Ronnie gave notice and we packed everything up and moved to Las Vegas. Even then at 21, the thought of spending holidays without my family was devastating. I told you...childish. I know many of my friends and relatives have had to endure the holidays away from loved ones, but yet that doesn't seem to make it any easier for me. Now don't misunderstand, I am by no means spending this day alone this year. I am surrounded by a very wonderful loving family and they have made me feel very welcomed every trip I have made to Dallas in the past...but this is different. This time I feel disconnected and I hate that I am about to say this, but...sad. I know that I am probably creating the feelings of being on the outside looking in, but they are pretty powerful right now and I don't seem to be able to snap myself out of it. My cousin tells me she's going to make a cardboard cut out of me and place it at the dinner table...not helping. I think I'm intentionally pushing Jason to the outer limits so I can validate this feeling of being alone and yet somehow he moves forward. He tells me he understands and knows that it is hard for me...I'm not sure I'd be as understanding if the roles were reversed. So universe my question is this...how do I grow up?

I've discovered something about myself today...for those of you who really know me and know what I've been going through these past two years and the life I had prior to that, this will probably make sense. For others, you may judge me on words alone but tonight I can't worry about that. I feel as if my insides are burning, no bursting. I need to get this out. Pour into the universe and hope that he or she will take it away...far from me and drop it into the deepest of holes. I for the better part of twenty years have been spoiled. I had that story book romance...that prince charming. A man that adored me and my every move. A man that only saw...me. Never once did I see him look at another woman when we were together, nor did he ever tell me he watched tennis for the model/tennis pro or women's volley ball because they slapped each other on the ass. I had...bliss. Now I know what you're thinking...ignorance is bliss. But in this case I'm speaking the truth. And there are many witnesses to attest that this isn't just my perception. Granted things happened due to chemicals and genes inherited, but the truth remains that for twenty or so years it was...what others dream of. I've been spoiled by a level of respect or at least what I call respect, and I'm not sure how to process what I'm told is the "normal" male brain. I fear this will be my restraint that holds me back from realizing any other true relationship in my life. I can't filter the thought process that thinks it's okay to blurt out such things and assume I should be perfectly fine with it. Nor am I anyone's teacher. At the age of fifty and two kids I think I've earned the right to have a partner...not a student. I am also learning that loving someone, no matter how true, can also be hindered by things that you just can't get past. But people shouldn't have to change to suit you...nor should you mold them. They are who they are and it is up to you whether you can accept those things and over look them or if you become consumed by them. I'm not sure which one I am ready to accept but I do know that sometimes wanting something and needing it can be a very fine line. It's just knowing which one to lean towards...and when to to turn away.

Today is one of the most exciting and perplexing days that I can remember...The Dusk Chronicles is available in print and I've been waiting for months holding my patience together with Elmer's glue and chewing gum. The feeling of seeing it finally available on Amazon is a bit overwhelming. I would like to enjoy this day to the fullest. Basking in the glow of seeing my story become available for everyone to have the capability of holding it in their hands, turning the pages and reading as the story unfolds. Now I realize when it was only available in e book form they could ideally do the same thing. But there is something about holding the pages in your hands and running your fingers over the cover...okay I admit it, when it comes to books I'm still a little old fashioned.I want to be able to completely enjoy this moment...but I can't. Other things going on in my life seem to be clouding the sunshine. Not enough to rain on my parade but rather just enough to cast a shadow. I feel as if I am still in a suspended state lately. I know where I want to go and with a certain amount of surety where it is I'm headed and most things seem to be pointed in that direction. However, there are forces that I have no control over that are slowing things to a pace that my less than stellar patience can accept.I'm the kind of person that if I have a task in front of me I tackle it and get it over with. Then I let out a sigh of relief reflecting on my accomplishments. Unfortunately not everyone around me sees things the way and I do. The result is time lost, tasks left for another day and my life in limbo. I am in this place of "stuck" because the control I wish I had is not for me to hold but them. I do push through each day waiting and going on with my daily routine but I can't help but feel the suffocation of moving in place. I want to scream...but I don't. I take a deep breath, hope this will be the day and everything will work out.After all what someone close to me always says...it is what it is.

So here we are again...I always seem to come back to you when it's the extreme I'm experiencing. Whether it be paralyzing pain or the complete jubilation of all the happiness of late, there you are. I must apologize because I use all of you as my outlet to wash away all the excess emotions that rack my mind, body, heart and soul. And although this question is completely rhetorical and I don't expect an answer...it makes me feel better to ask you...all of you. Does it make you lesser of "good" person if you occasionally get irritated with the one you love just because you can't have what you want exactly when you want it? Yes I know you already probably understand what I am referring to. For those of you who read this, you know my relationship is long distance. And even though I would not give this man up for anything else, it does present some issues occasionally. Most of the time they're silly, like the one tonight, but issues none the less. I find myself getting annoyed when I call and he is doing daily normal things we all do to get through the day. It's as if I feel he should be waiting by the phone with bated breath for the very moment I decide to grace him with my voice. Lame...I know. Selfish...definitely. Spoiled...you bet. But somehow these past few days this seems to be a major issue for me to deal with. Maybe it's because I will be seeing him in 6 days and the thought of getting on the plane(I really hate to fly...really.)petrifies me. Maybe it's because I know after spending 11 days together doing those things that couples without distance take for granted, I will have to leave it all behind and settle for the nightly phone calls that go on for hours. Which, don't get me wrong are the highlight of the day, but not the same. Maybe this lack of patience and down right irritability I am experiencing is just my way of separating before I even get there. I don't know, but I am feeling a bit petty about myself lately and I know there has to be a change. I just can't figure out how to do it. I talk to myself saying the things I think I need to hear. He is busy just like you...he always says I love you and gives his full attention. He calls and texts throughout the day...everyday. But somehow I want more. I want...him here. Ahhh...and there it is. I am disconnecting before I connect. I've done this to him before but I usually recognize it much sooner. To risk someone just because they can't conform to your wishes right at the moment you want them is childish and yes...definitely petty. A lesson I already know, but sometimes have a hard time following. I guess I will try to understand what I am feeling is just born out of the fact that I truly love him. My sweet little surprise that has popped into my life when least expected, but met with an open heart. I will hold those 11 days close and imprint them into my memory as a reminder that immediate although comforting, is not worth replacing someone you love for someone you tolerate. And finding your way together makes the journey much more of an adventure.

I went to my counselor today. We talked about some issues I have been having lately...none of which I will share. Let's just say I believe some things are meant for only us. Anyway she suggested I write a letter so that I may close the book on the most bothersome of my issues. The writer in me decided to write two of them, one for just me and one for well...the universe. Now the universe version will be vague but none the less it will be sent out there. So here it goes...

Dear You,

This is my goodbye. You will no longer share those things which are intimate and close to my heart. My choice by your hand...but still my choice. I will remember those things that make me smile and let go of the memories that bring me tears. I will open my heart, mind and soul so that one day I can share it with someone of my choosing and give of myself without hesitation. I will recognize no one else is you and therefore not judge them by your actions. I will allow myself complete happiness without the fear of your next move. I will let someone be themselves when they are with me without worry of misguided judgement, pulling back or shutting down. I will from today, tomorrow and the future to come, go forward with my life...MY LIFE. I loved you, I treasured you and now I let you go...

It's funny how many times I've been told that I am naive. I've never really thought of myself that way but okay...I like to think that I see the better in most people. I expect that given the opportunity, most of us take the high road. Even when it may be the road less traveled, a bit bumpier or maybe put ourselves in a place that might make us feel vulnerable...I'd like to think we choose with our hearts and not our heads. I said I'd like too...but I realize that reality has a way of creeping in and that's not always the case. I know that letting go, baring our soul and being naked...truly naked, is difficult and painful sometimes. Walls go up and one by one you have a fortress. But sometimes on very rare occasions there's a door...and even though it's scary and you feel like your being exposed for all the world to see, you walk through it. And then one by one, the walls fall. And what is left is just you. I don't know maybe I am naive. But maybe...just maybe, I'm just full of hope.

Yesterday was my first signing at a Barnes and Noble. I won't lie, I was nervous that nobody would come over to my table and check out the books. After all why would they? No one knows who I am and they are probably trying to have a moment of peace after a busy week. When I first arrived, Barnes and Noble had everything already set up. There was a table in the front when you first walked in. The display had my books and a lovely poster of The Queen of It. On display the Nook monitors had the cover of Through the Door to Dusk throughout the store. They were so kind and accommodating and gave me all the tools needed to make the day a success. Periodically they would announce my appearance over the intercom alerting anyone within the confounds of the store that there was an author signing and to go and say hello. Some of the customers who came in just looked over with curiosity while quickly rushing by and trying to go unnoticed. But many of them were not only friendly, they were interested. They asked questions, took pictures and bought the books. The kids were the best. One little boy who stood out in my mind, was about ten. He was over the top with excitement because he had never met a real life author before. I was so taken with his innocence and sweet sense of amazement, he truly made my day. I don't know how you're supposed to measure success, but for me it was in the face of that little boy.

Okay...so for the past several months you've listened to me when things were at their lowest and despair was my closest friend. You've offered words of wisdom, a shoulder to cry on and a crutch to lean on. I've ranted and babbled, sometimes making no sense to anyone but me, but you stayed. You hung in with me and on several days, that got me through. But now I'm here.It's a better place and a lot less stressful. I'm feeling a bit more like me and less like a person getting ready to be fitted for a straight jacket. It's taken many months of sadness and brutal reality to realize that what I was holding on to was just an idea. An idea of how things should be. You grow up, you get married. You have kids. They grow up and move on with their lives and then you grow old together. But who's to say that maybe...just maybe...you don't. Maybe there's a time for every one that comes into our lives... a beginning and an end. And maybe, it just stops. The chapters over, the book ends and you pick up a new book. Maybe there isn't only one person for us, but rather one person for each chapter we are in. Some chapters are longer than others, but no one really stays for the whole story, only you...it's your story. I'm not sure if this idea is right or wrong, but I do know I have picked up a new book. And so far, I like where the story is going...

Sometimes we need to be reminded how very fortunate we are in our lives. Yesterday was mine. My daughters, son in-law, daughter in-law and every family member and friend managed, for what I'm told was months, keep the biggest secret from me...my surprise 50th birthday party.

My daughters and I were talking a few months back about my birthday and I told them laughingly that I wanted a princess party. Well...they did just that. I had pink everything...Disney princess plates, a Minnie princess hat, pink utensils, napkins and decorations. All of my family from here and most of California were there, along with my closest friends. Truth be told I wasn't only surprised, I was speechless. They had all kept this secret from me so well, I think in another life my daughters must have been some very astute spies for the Russians. They managed to take me so off guard that they actually succeeded in pissing me off a bit before the party...apparently their intention to mask their master mind plan. I laugh when I think of all the times my cousin Sarah and I have talked over the past few days. It must have been burning a hole in her the size of a small country to keep this info from me. As if the party weren't enough, they also overwhelmed me with a trip to Disneyland next week. For any one close to me you, know how much I've wanted to go with my grand daughter. It's been a dream of mine since the day she graced our lives and something I've been waiting patiently to do. As the grandma, you have to wait for mom and dad to take her first. So the anticipation of when they would do so left me anxious. I kept telling them when she turns four, her and I are going so they better hurry up. An empty threat I know, but it appeased me for the moment. But yesterday they gave me the best gift imaginable. Not only are we going as a family, but I get to witness her first time seeing the wonders that is Disney. I want for nothing...I have everything. Thank you my darlings...

Yesterday was my 50th birthday.It's funny, so much anticipation behind so many events that make up our lives and then in the blink of an eye...they're over. I had been waiting for weeks for the BIG DAY. This was how everyone was referring to the day that marked my half century existence on this planet. A half a century...doesn't that sound monumental? But it's funny, it was everything but.It wasn't that I had an issue with turning 50, I didn't. I've never been one to dwell on age. I figure if you're lucky enough to get out of bed in the morning, then each day you do should be considered a minor victory. So I have yet to experience the panic...I've had older friends tell me it would happen so I've been waiting. Thirty...forty and now fifty. Nope...no big epiphany about growing older. I've pretty much been aware of my mortality for a long time so it's no big news flash. For me it was more about the kind of birthday it was. I had for years envisioned turning 50 with my husband by my side. Maybe we would take a trip together or have a huge party with our family and friends or maybe a quiet dinner together. Whatever the plan, it would be with the person that had been with me through the years that had past to get me to the day. But as anyone who follows my blog would know...that wasn't the case. And I found myself reliving the events of the past two years over again. The sadness, loneliness and self doubt. Could I have changed it? Maybe if I had only saw the signs sooner...would it had made a difference?

I had been eying a fossil watch for a couple of weeks in a magazine add and decided to go check it out.It seemed like a nice gift I might want to buy myself to mark the day in my own way. As I drove to the store, I was listening to my new Adel CD that the kids had gotten me for Christmas. It was probably not the best of choices, because it just succeeded in adding to the darkness now growing inside. I walked up to the store and sat at a bench that was strategically placed in front. I called a close friend. He has been by my side consistently for the past month and a half and although he lives out of state, he has succeeded in being not only my crutch but my rock. As we were talking and I poured out my...confusion, it occurred to me no matter what anyone said that day, it wouldn't be enough. I chose to wallow. For whatever reasons, I had chosen to fill myself up to the brim in self pity. I cut him off mid sentence and hung up. Somehow...I knew he would understand.I walked into Fossil and bought the watch. I continued on with my day embracing all that was dark and paralyzing. I was going over a friends house that night, joined with my cousin/sister/confident/publicist/one woman rally team/and possibly the closest friend I have ever had...Sarah. So I put on my big girl shoes and drove over.On the way I called Sarah because I needed to talk...again. It wasn't enough that I would see her at our mutual friends, I needed reassurance...now. Honestly, I don't know how she hasn't set her phone to mute when she sees my number. Once again, she succeeded in calming the ever growing darkness that by now had consumed almost every part of me. When I got there, we toasted and drank wine...lots of wine. We talked it out and I began to feel...lighter. I started to realize that even though the day wasn't what I had been used to in the past, it had been wonderful and I hadn't even noticed. I got up out of bed that morning...remember...minor victory. I had the love of all my friends and family throughout the day, posting, calling and texting birthday wishes. I was fortunate enough to go and buy myself the watch I had been eying and had the luxury of going wherever I pleased during the day's journey. I had a friend, who in all his wisdom and support had been understanding when I called later to apologize for ending our conversation so abruptly and it hit me like a load of bricks falling on my head. There was no reason for me to feel sad, I had no right. I had everything...I just refused to see it. I feel good today and I have decided wi

Twas the day before Christmas when all through the house
just one creature was stirring, that dirty old mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hope that our guests would not leave us bare.
The children were all waking up from their beds, to put their last plugs for gifts in our heads.
And Momma in her kerchief and I in my cap, thanking for cash instead of the credit card trap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, who was that strange man climbing the house with a ladder?
Away from the window I flew like a flash, only in time to hear a clatter, bang, crash.
The sun on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave a blanket of softness to the strange man below.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a flashing red light a top a car pulling over here.
With a little old driver so lively and quick, I new in a moment, this can't be St. Nick.
For I knew it was too early for him to arrive, as I watched him take the stranger for a long winters drive...

http://www.amazon.com/Dusk-Light-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B006H9LPAC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323624173&sr=8-1 Third Book from the series The Dusk Chronicles. Now available...

This is just to notify everyone that the third book of the series The Dusk Chronicles is now available at Amazon. If you haven't read Through the Door to Dusk and Waiting for Dusk then you need to catch up...Great Christmas presents for the new Kindle and at $3.99 each, affordable! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Seasons Greetings to everyone...

I've been contemplating writing this particular blog because the subject matter is for me...perplexing. My husband moved out almost two weeks ago, but for all intensive purposes, I've been single now for nearly 6 months. He was very clear when he told me those many months ago that if someone asks me out, I should go. Now I don't know about you, but the thought of going out with someone while going home to the very house my husband was still residing in was...weird. So there was definitely no dating for me. But about three weeks ago, a young man, and yes I mean literally a young man, he's 30, starting paying attention. We had been friends for about 5 or 6 years and most of the time our connection was held through text. He plays guitar in a band and when there was a show in town, I was on his lists of invites. I always wanted to go, but the husband was never interested and the thought of showing up alone was less than appealing, so I never got to see him play. So when I received the text from him stating it was the bands last show, I responded with both surprise and sadness. It was quickly fleeting though when he explained that he and some other members had formed a new band and would be performing again. One thing lead to another and I revealed to him the state of my current being. He was shocked. One thing evolved into another and before you knew it, or rather I knew it, he was flirting and I found myself flirting right back. I won't lie, it felt good to have a very cute, guitar playing band member be so aggressive about going out. The next few days was hours and hours of texting about ourselves, our family, our aspirations and everything else going on in our lives. The day of my mom's surgery we had text and then spoken briefly on the phone. He had said he'd get in touch in a few days but when a few days went by and no contact happened, I was at the very least confused and a little worried about him. He had come on so strong and then...silence. I decided to text hello and I found it met with a frenzied response that the band was going back into the studio and rehearsal and things were crazy. He then text again saying they were so busy but he did want to get together when there was time. Then a few days later, I did something I have never done in my life. I asked him if he wanted to hang out for a bit. Now to you this might not sound like a big deal, but for me it was completely different from everything I had been taught to do. Remember, my generation is that of the guy asks you out, never do you take the lead, especailly in an old fashioned Italian family. But I realized that some things are definitely different and he was of a different time than me, so I mustered up the courage. He was very receptive and we were going to meet a bit during their lunch break the next day, which was also the day before Thanksgiving.
Wednesday morning he text and said that the drummer was going out of town for the holiday and they decided to practice through lunch. He apologized and told me we'd have a rain check. Now I probably should have just casually said okay and kept it at that, but...I didn't. I had two weeks of the mixed emtions that plagued me from my husband moving out, my changing life and my my mom's surgery. I was snippy and he apologized again and we left it at that. Over the next few days I tried to undo what I had already done but he would not respond. I started to feel a bit like a stalker and decided it was time to give up. I deleted him from FB, took his # out of my phone and deleted all old messages. I know it was wrong of me to react the way I did, but I feel a man who was a bit more seasoned would have understood the emotions that were wreaking havoc on me that week. Maybe a man, not a boy, would have known how to deal with it period. But to just drop off the planet and completely ignore me, felt to me to be a harsh punishment for such a small mistake. I'm not sure if was truly his age, he's a band member or just him. I am perplexed about what I did or did not do and wonder if I will ever really get the knack

Tonight my husband confirmed that the house he wanted to rent was approved. He will be moving out in the next few weeks to embark on his new life. I wanted to scream...I hate you! I wanted to scream...your weak and a coward! You've abandoned me and our marriage. You turned your back when things got rough and could never come back from it or get over it. Time after time over the years I have dealt with your mood swings, temper tantrums, walking on egg shells in my own home and comforted you every day you had trouble at work...which was often. I wanted to kick and punch and yell so loud that my voice gave way...but I didn't. I listened and took it in while the whole time wishing I had never met you. Somehow for now, all the years of happiness we shared have been so tainted by your muted sense of what is reality, I feel as if I'd had been better off never have knowing you. I would have spent more time with my grandmother whom I loved and missed so terribly. I might have found someone who wouldn't have been so self centered and self serving and would have been there for me through the years like I for him. Not that you were never there for me, you were...with limitations. I wished with all my being that the sixteen year old girl could have been just a little wiser...but she wasn't. She was and still does love you. And although the heart feels pain which is overwhelming, I almost feel the confusion in my head is worse. I'm screaming inside right now as I write this and I feel as though I'm being suffocated. I wish I could just run outside and at the top of my lungs expel all the hurt you have bestowed onto me this past two years, but I can't. I will hold myself up and wait for the moment, no hope for the moment that my head will once again feel calm and my heart whole. I will say good bye to you quietly over and over again as the next couple of weeks pass in hopes that each time gets just a little easier and the path ahead of me just a little clearer.

A few days ago there was a story on MSN about a couple who had been married for 72 years and died together. They had been in a car accident and when in intensive care in the hospital, held hands and passed away. I always thought that this would be who we were as a couple. I used to say to my husband, let's make a pact that when we're both in our 90's and have lived a full life we will hold hands, fall asleep and then leave...together. Over the years it had become our way of dealing with growing old together and adding to the bond that was already there. As I read the story, I found myself mourning once again for the scenario that will never be. I used to think it somewhat special that we could possibly celebrate our 75th anniversary together. Being five years apart and marrying at such a young age, it wasn't without reason. It's a romantic notion I know, but one I could seek solace in. The mere thought that you could spend most of your time on this earth with the one person you truly love was not only comforting but a gift. So many people come and go in our lives, to have that constant would be the rock from which all else was built upon. But that life is not to be. Not to say that I will never find love again, I hope that one day I might. But it is the realization that the romantic notion of an eighteen year old girl, was just that...a romantic notion. It is the last bit of my girlish dreams that believed there could be a love greater than no other and no one could ever take it away, not even death. That a man could be so much a part of your soul that you could become as one whole to two separate parts and he would be there for you and you him throughout all adversities. They say the heart wants what the heart wants and if that's true, than it is also equally determined when it no longer yearns. And that is a lesson that has come much further in my life than I would have liked. I have had many years of feeling loved and completely treasured, but the pain of the after glow of what has happened to my husband is so great, I dare say I would trade them to erase them. This week a part of me was lost forever, the young girl inside has had a cold dose of life and to be quite honest, one lesson I would of rather have avoided.

You know it's funny, one of the reasons my "husband" says he's unhappy is because we don't talk anymore. Tonight I cooked dinner, he had bought the groceries, and we sat while he talked about his day. He vented about the injustices, the idiots and the situations that are ever growing. I sat, the captive audience listening to every word and engaging with my opinion, questions and occasional look of surprise. Then it was my turn. He asked about my day at work and as I answered, I saw it. The far away look of disinterest I usually see on his face every time I try to tell him something about me. I was reduced to hearing his one word answers for interaction and the occasional nod of the head. After my one sided attempt ot share my day, he asked me how come when I moved out last year he bought me new furniture, and now he has to settle this year on his own. My response was that he had made the choice and he should deal with the consequences.I am suffering everyday, why should I have to bear any added misery and have to worry about my surroundings, I won't do it, not again. His response was a very sarcastic,"Oh yeah, your suffering." I'm sure the room shook by the pounding of my jaw hitting the floor. I knew this man had changed, but I had no idea he had lost his senses as well. I've lived everyday the past four months with a man who states he is no longer in love with me. I am reminded day in and day out each time he walks through the door at the end of the day that we won't be embracing and kissing hello. I'm reminded every night when he doesn't come over and scoop me up in his arms as we walk up the stairs to go to sleep. We don't walk up the stairs together any more, I do, he sleeps downstairs in the guest room. I'm reminded each time we stand in the kitchen together and he doesn't grab me by waist and rest his head on my shoulder and I am reminded each time he says something hurtful like he did tonight. I would rather be alone than have to endure any of this any longer. To know you are the cause for the misery of someones existence and you feel it every day, is too much to bare. When I was younger I often would think ahead to these days. I saw us growing old together, surrounded by our children, grandchildren and family. Walking together holding hands and sharing our life. But this will not be our life, not with each other any way and I can't move forward as long as I'm reminded of this everyday. I want to scream GET OUT, but I don't, I can't, my fault is I still love him and could never really be that cruel. But I fear that if he doesn't move soon, I will be swallowed up and cease to exist. Not in the mortal way, but in the emotional I'm not okay in my head way. I yearn for peace. Peace, I feel, is all I have left to salvage from my life that is slipping away. So I cling to the notion of November...D Day. The month I hope I will regain some shred of dignity and self appreciation. When I can start to be whole again and feel like a person who will one day walk hand in hand feeling loved and peeking over to my children and grandchildren knowing I made this and to feel that saying I instead of we, will be enough.

Normally I don't jump on a band wagon. I may run along side it for a few miles but leaping is just not something I do. But the injustice that was bestowed on my daughter and her fiance today could just not be let go. So leaping it is. Today my daughter was informed that the company that is contracted with the wedding service will not provide her wedding cake simply because she and her fiance are a gay couple. Now as a mother who loves her daughter very much, which I'm sure you can relate too, I found this news to be not only horrendous but I think it might actually have popped a blood vessel in my brain. I found myself hearing that buzz in my ears. You know the one I'm referring to. It's when something makes you so angry or nervous that you lose all your ability to hear. Words become mere sounds droning and vibrating in your head. After listening to the sound of my my babies voice as she described the events I could a feel a literal volcano erupting in my body. The thought that someone could deliberately hurt my child and her sweet fiance in such a manner was beyond words. I really felt that we had gone beyond all this nonsense. Apparently I'm the one who is ignorant. The pain this company (their name is Tiers of Joy in Las Vegas) has caused my child is beyond anything any mother could imagine. To have your child singled out because of someone else's lack of humanity takes your breath away. The wedding company has told her they will credit them and they can go anywhere they want for the cake. I find this to be a good outcome. The last thing a newly joined couple needs is to have their wedding shadowed with ill will and negative thoughts. As for Tiers of Joy, they better reconsider their name spelling because they pissed off the wrong mother and I see tears, not tiers in their immediate future. Tiers of Joy Las Vegas the cake place that offers discrimination along with their lace and roses. Their contact # is 702.263.9895 and their email is tiersofjoy@cox.net if anyone feels compelles to voice their complete horror with this company.

Today is sort of a strange one for me. Later this evening I will be going out with friends and family to celebrate my cousins birthday. She will be toasted over a few glasses of wine, some good food and close friends. I thoroughly enjoy these kind of evenings so I am really looking forward to going. Today also marks what would of been my mother in-laws seventy fourth birthday. This was a woman that I loved dearly and had known since I was sixteen. We lost her to a car accident much too early, she was only forty-nine. I can't help from feeling a mix of sadness , joy and bewilderment. For those of you who know me then you also know that my marriage of thirty one years is unraveling before me and I am not the one holding the string. It has been a year and half of many peaks and valleys and it seems the valley is where I will be residing from here on out. Today when I think of my mother in-law I wonder how she could have made me feel better through all of this. Although she was my husbands mother, she never turned from me when I needed her. Even when he and I had a silly break up when I was just sixteen. She would spend many patient hours with me on the phone advising me and comforting me. I try to imagine what she might have said to me, but I can't seem to muster up the same wisdom she once bestowed on me with such ease.
I've also been a little down about my book rankings on Amazon. They've plummeted lately and I know it is primarily due to the lack of marketing. I try every day to utilize the tools that I am told are out there, but when it comes to self promoting I feel like a new born. Writing is my element. I feel whole, smart, funny, talented and confident. But promoting is a foreign concept to me and I am drowning. I do devote time everyday, but I feel I am just repeating the same mundane cycle over and over again. Last night my daughter Christie called me with an idea she had for marketing my books. It's exciting, different and something I never would of thought of. Sometimes those around you know what you need better than you do. A glimmer of light through the muck of the darkness and how quickly you can have a spark of renewed self. All these doubts, losses, celebrations and adventures are running through me today. They're leaving a tornado of emotions from happy to sad, regret, renewal, hope, defeat and from moment to moment seem to change. I feel like someone keeps repeatedly slapping me in the face from side to side. My head is dizzy and I'm not sure if I'm taking a step forward or two backward.So what I've decided, for today anyway, is that I will accept the fact that it's okay  not to know. I will let myself feel whatever emotion decides to take me and I will go out tonight and have good food, a few glasses of wine and blanket myself in the comfort of good friends, family and the memory of a mother in-law I was lucky to have to have known.

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I'm not sure what's worse, knowing or not knowing. Today I found out something that I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to know. Purely on accident I found out that my soon to be moving out my life husband, bought flowers for someone else. Now I know you think I should just probably accept the fact that we are not together and move on.But for now that's hard because we still share the same house. And until you have watched the person you've loved for so long evolve into everything he had despised about others in the past, then you can't possibly understand. I felt as if all the air had been knocked out of my body and the fire inside grew to the eruption of a long awaited volcano.I had once again been made a chump. How many does it take before someone realizes that they've had enough? Apparently several. But this was the one for me. This was the final blow to the ever ending plummet of punches that I have felt over the past year and a half. I think what hurt the worse was the nonchalant way he answered me when confronted. He simply uttered the word...yes. No explanation, no attempt, just yes. I had no words. Since this was on the phone I simply hung up. I hope whoever received them really needed them, because they came with a very expensive price tag...respect. In one call he destroyed every ounce of respect we had left between us. Clearly he had tossed mine out the window, but I still clung to the memory of the man he once was and today that was disintegrated. I feel nothing tonight. No anger, no hurt, no regret, no longing, no wanting, nothing. I am void and desolate inside and I'm not sure how to regain that part of me that has been tossed away. I'm suffocating and I can't seem to find the oxygen to breath any longer. I just want to feel normal again...

I'm not sure if anyone really understands what it's like to live with or be close to loved ones that are bipolar unless it's first hand. I've had friends, acquaintances, even strangers I meet in passing tell me horror stories of the constant and unpredictable changes that can happen minute to minute with someone who is diagnosed as being bipolar. But it wasn't until the past six months or so that I have truly begun to understand. I've always thought the love in my life was "moody". Sometimes so much that in the past couple of years I could never tell from second to second whether or to duck from the flying daggers been thrown around the room. There were many days I tried to shield the blow from our daughters, soften it and make excuses but I don't think I was fooling anyone but myself. It's so strange and confusing. We could have days that were wonderful and then in a split second it could feel like Antarctica in the room and the harsh words and temperament would take over.It was like walking the high wire with no safety net and when you fell, you fell hard.

Even now as the days grow closer to him leaving, I am still having to mix a false sense of bliss with the occasional blow to the head. It's so hard to wake up in the morning and feel like maybe things will have a slim and I know unrealistic chance of turning around and then by the evening I'm counting the minutes until he leaves. My heart is broken, my head is swimming and my body is constantly sick inside. Living with a bipolar love is numbing and blood boiling all in the same sentence. It makes you feel like your constantly walking through a doorway and then turning around and walking back the way you came. Your dizzy and held up by the sheer knowledge that there is an end in sight and if you can just wait a little longer the door will stop swinging.I know there is help for bipolar disorder but when the one afflicted does not treat it, you're left to drown in a pool of your wasted words. Wanting is not enough, hoping is not enough, loving is not enough. It is completely out of your hands. And so you self preserve and quietly hold close to your heart the thought that one day his eyes will open and he will realize that loving someone and losing them is very different than loving them and giving them away.

Tonight I am so very tired. Tired of feeling bad, tired of feeling. I've never been the type of person to take chemicals to alter my mood, but lately I find myself escaping more and more. A Xanax today, a Loritab tomorrow and a glass or two of wine with dinner. My mind is constantly moving, my stomach constantly turning and my heart in an accelerated mode of breaking.The few hours of bliss obtained with a tiny pill seem to be the option that best suites the constant flux my body feels on a daily basis. This is my present. Nothing like my past and I hope very different from my future. For now it appeases the ever consuming monster that sucks out all the light from my core and replaces it with a cold hardening darkness. I reflect on years wasted, chances not taken and opportunity thrown away. I've looked change in the face and spit on it. Content to be discontent and maintain the Stepford appearance while knowing the part I was playing was for the audience surrounding me and nothing more. I don't regret the love I chose, rather the road I chose to walk down with that love. A path of reasoning and choices based on others needs besides my own. My choice, my bed. But the question I find myself asking lately is what do I do when better living through chemistry is no longer an option? When the xanax no longer numbs and the Loritab ceases to give me bliss? Or will all this be gone in November? Will I no longer yearn to step out for the day, shut down or feel...nothing? Will my future change with the rising of one day and the calm of knowing I will no longer have to jump through hoops or walk a tight rope just to keep my home at peace? I hope so. I've never thought of myself as a person who wished to dull life, rather the opposite. Maybe I just need to stop, take a breath and let myself off the hook. Or maybe I just need to stop.

I woke up this morning and realized what I had written last night. It sounded like a one woman pity party. I had self indulged in the anguish that had been served up and I reveled in it. The "poor me" was dripping from my fingers as I typed steadily away professing the pain I once again had fallen trap to. But the truth is, I set myself up. The evening before last, my...I don't even know what to call him anymore, and I had a really nice evening. We started a line of communication, discussing issues that had been suppressed over the years. I felt good about getting things out and hearing him unleash some of the pain he has also felt. It seemed like we had made some progress with our situation and had gotten somewhat of a handle on how to deal with things in a peaceful manner. We both were in agreement that he needed to move out so we could find out exactly where these emotions and issues would take us. He is riddled with questions about himself and what he feels or rather doesn't feel and I cannot be a part of his journey to awareness, for his and my sanity.Last night we shared dinner together, something we really don't do any longer. It was a pleasant conversation and went off without any drama, once again, a nice feeling. Afterward we were discussing my brothers wedding this Saturday. He took off work on Friday, as did I and he proceeded to tell me that he had figured he would help me clean and get the house ready and then Friday evening would go check out the weekend long Bike Fest that was taking place downtown and at Harley Davidson. That's when I did it. I opened my mouth and set myself up all on my own. I asked him if he wanted some company. He quickly answered no and kept talking about his plans. I stopped in my tracks, not sure if I had heard what I thought I had and asked him if he had just said no, he said yes he did. He then proceeded again to tell me about the upcoming events, Harley Davidson was having a wet t-shirt contest and he figured he'd go to that. I was stunned and breathless, I couldn't believe I had done that to myself. It was purely innocent. I thought it sounded like fun, and after a day of cleaning would be good to get out for awhile with someone I trust and I know would have a good time with. I wasn't thinking couple, rather friends. But I've realized now, even though I can view our relationship in a friendly manner, he cannot. For him there is a very definite set of lines and never the two shall meet. Which is okay, but I need to be cautious with my assumptions, or rather not assume at all.I will have to always keep my guard up and not take that step that plummets me into sadness. Our talk of remaining friends, is just that, talk. He has stepped backward into his teenage years and needs to fulfill whatever void he feels he's lacking without the company of me or my friendship. So for now, while we are still living together we will remain "friends." And keep it light and fool ourselves within the confines of our four walls. But both of us know the truth. Once he leaves so does our friend connection and we will become acquaintances who once shared a past.