June's First Impressions selection is now up. As always I've marked my notes/edits in red and ask that you feel free to comment with your constructive critiques. Submission instructions are posted below should you care to have your first page reviewed.
The Veil
Paranormal Romance
By Julie Anne
“Another shocking death amps suspicions of something sinister in the city.” (Good opening although it's not quite as pithy as a newscast might sound.)
The eleven o’clock news brought Ava Draikar stumbling from her closet. (Can't help but wonder why she was in her closet? Could be an interesting avenue to explore later on but if you don't then I don't see the point.) Comfortable in her pajamas, she stared at the tiny television on her kitchen counter. Here we go again. Reporters will be all over the hospital tomorrow. Ava increased the volume, only slightly, for to better hear the details. (Because the tv was loud enough before to bring her out of the closet.)
Sipping wine from a large stemmed glass, she nearly choked. (Did she have the wine with her in the closet? Where did it come from?)
There, on the television screen, was a photo of the latest victim. And Ava knew him. A photograph of the latest victim was lodged securely in the left corner of the broadcast. Ava knew him. (Rather confusing the way orginally written.) Sort of. She saw She'd seen him every day for the past week and had toiled uselessly with lustful fantasies wherein with him playing he played the leading role. The man was gorgeous, but Ava was prone to neither, lust nor fantasy. (Which is it? She had lustful fantasies or she's isn't prone to lust and fantasy? Or maybe it's just not worded the way you mean.)
The city was fascinating from her window. Even in darkness, and despite the rain that streaked her view, nothing ever seemed to remove the city’s vast complexity, or its irrefutable draw. Separating herself from it would be like removing her own skin. If she could survive the process, she’d never be the same. (A bit overwritten here.) To Ava, the entire metropolis was alive, and she was a part of it. The city was one enormous, pulsating, entity, and it was that image that kept her at her window most nights. (The change in direction between this paragraph and the previous one is quite confusing.)
My thoughts:
The story has a good opening and I was hoping to get more from the first page. The sudden change from Ava watching TV to lo
0 Comments on First Impressions with Melissa Jeglinski: June as of 1/1/1900
Add a Comment