Conversational moments that make me cringe:

1. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
I know that what’s coming next isn’t going to be pretty. And to make matters worse, whoever says this is preemptively telling me how to react. How fair is that? A better opener would be, “I need to be really honest with you about something.” Then I’m still prepared, and I’m much more likely to listen instead of thinking about what a jackass the speaker is for trying to manipulate my feelings.

2. “You totally look like this person I know.”
That may very well be true. But unless that person is a devastatingly gorgeous celebrity that I’ve seen before, I really don’t care.

3.”Let me tell you a crazy-ass story about this girl I knew in high school. Oh, gosh, what was her name?” [pounds forehead with fist] “I can’t believe I’m blanking on it.” [spends two more minutes trying to come up with name as I pick my cuticles]
I understand that it bothers people when they forget names, I really do. But if I wouldn’t recognize the name anyway, what does it matter? Just call her Georgette and continue the story, please.

4. “Not gonna happen.”
I hate this phrase, for complicated reasons involving a painful conversation with an ex-boyfriend. I’ve forbidden my husband from saying it, along with “I disagree,” “You’re mistaken, and “You’re wrong.” Yes, my ex was a bit of a contrarian.

5. “You actually watch/eat/like that?”
I fully understand the meaning of “To each his own.” I don’t expect everyone to share my taste in television shows, snacks, reading materials, and eighties movies. That’s fine. I am an unapologetic Survivor fan and indulge in the occasional Hostess cupcake. You don’t have to like that about me, but could you stop openly judging me? I’ve never said a word about your collection of velvet paintings. Until now, I guess.