What is JacketFlap

  • JacketFlap connects you to the work of more than 200,000 authors, illustrators, publishers and other creators of books for Children and Young Adults. The site is updated daily with information about every book, author, illustrator, and publisher in the children's / young adult book industry. Members include published authors and illustrators, librarians, agents, editors, publicists, booksellers, publishers and fans.
    Join now (it's free).

Sort Blog Posts

Sort Posts by:

  • in
    from   

Suggest a Blog

Enter a Blog's Feed URL below and click Submit:

Most Commented Posts

In the past 7 days

Recent Posts

(from Evil Editor)

Recent Comments

Recently Viewed

JacketFlap Sponsors

Spread the word about books.
Put this Widget on your blog!
  • Powered by JacketFlap.com

Are you a book Publisher?
Learn about Widgets now!

Advertise on JacketFlap

MyJacketFlap Blogs

  • Login or Register for free to create your own customized page of blog posts from your favorite blogs. You can also add blogs by clicking the "Add to MyJacketFlap" links next to the blog name in each post.

Blog Posts by Tag

In the past 7 days

Blog Posts by Date

Click days in this calendar to see posts by day or month
new posts in all blogs
Viewing Post from: Evil Editor
Visit This Blog | More Posts from this Blog | Login to Add to MyJacketFlap
Blog Banner
A blog about why you don't get published. You can also order Evil Editor's books, Why You Don't Get Published, which collects many of the funniest Q & A's along with hilarious excerpts from the Face-Lifts, and Novel Deviations, which collects the best of the New Beginnings.
1. Feedback Request


At the risk of wearing out my welcome I'm hoping you'll give one more look at a re-write of my query for ONE WAY TO TUCSON (title of the moment) [Most recently seen here.]


Former two-tour Marine MP Trevor Hayworth is now a substitute mailman. One day, while he’s delivering, a young woman begs him to help her escape [From ?] —but warns against calling the police. He returns at night, breaks in, and stun-guns her captor. [Starting with the next sentence, the word "trafficking" (or "traffickers") appears seven times in seven sentences. For some reason I get sick of reading it.] The girl, Alita, tells Hayworth the man is a boss in an international sex trafficking ring and Hayworth can’t call the police because ranking officers are clients of the traffickers. While Hayworth processes the mess they’re in, two trafficking couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the fight is over the couriers are tied up, the trafficking boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized. [That's a pretty long setup paragraph. Removing a few unnecessary words might help:

Former Marine MP Trevor Hayworth hears a woman calling out to him from a nearby house, begging for rescue. He pulls out his cell phone, but she warns against calling the police. Hayworth breaks in and subdues her captor. The girl, Alita, says the man runs an international sex trafficking ring with ranking police officers among his clients. As Hayworth processes this mess, two couriers arrive for a money pick up. When the dust clears, the couriers are tied up, the boss is dead, and the mess has metastasized.]

Later, Hayworth and Alita are in his pickup, racing out of San Diego for Tucson, where the girl’s family supposedly lives. With them is a list of names and numbers of trafficking honchos from around the world—and their clients. [When you said "With them" I wasn't sure you didn't mean with the girl's family.] Chasing them east on Route 10 are trafficking thugs, corrupt cops, and a twisted newspaper reporter who moonlights as a hitman.

Between shootouts and hospital visits Hayworth tries to get the trafficking info to the right people. He realizes it’s unlikely they’ll make it to Tucson, and if they do he has a bad feeling the welcoming committee won’t be Alita’s family. [If the immediate goal is to get the info to the right people, I'm not sure we need Tucson. Unless the right people are in Tucson. You could combine the last two paragraphs into something like:

Hayworth and Alita race out of San Diego carrying a list of names and numbers of trafficking honchos from around the world—and their clients. Chasing them east on Route 10 are thugs, corrupt cops, and a twisted newspaper reporter who moonlights as a hitman. If they can make it to Tucson unscathed, they can turn the list over to the FBI, reunite Alita with her family, and live happily ever after.]


Notes

If someone asked me to rescue her from a house, I'm not sure I'd assume I could handle it by myself. There could be a gang of guys holding her captive. I'd probably bring along a few of my ex-marine buddies.

I would expect a house containing the boss in an international sex trafficking ring to also contain a few of his underlings and more than one woman in need of rescue.

Once they're far from San Diego, all they have to do is drive about 110 miles per hour. They should eventually attract some state troopers who aren't clients of the sex traffickers.

In checking a map to see how long they have to drive (about 6 hours) I discover most of the trip from San Diego to Tucson is on Interstate 8. Interstate 10 runs from LA to Phoenix, then south to Tucson, and they would merge into 10 between Tucson and Phoenix. Most of the "chasing" would probably be on I-8. (Assuming when you say "Route 10" you mean the Interstate.)


0 Comments on Feedback Request as of 1/1/1900
Add a Comment