I've always wanted a collaboration. At first, when I decided back in high school that I wanted to be a story sketch artist for Disney or Warner Brothers, I pictured myself working late into the night with gallons of mountain dew, pouring over ideas and pencils and pads of paper with my fellow artists, and coming up with stories that would make the screen. I'd get to see my vision in multimedia form, walking and talking and singing, and, even better, the story I'd built together with friends.

When it became clear that I wasn't meant to draw, I turned to the written word, and decided to tell my story that way. Yes, writing is a lonely process, but I still wished to share it with someone.

I'd already had the fun. My cousin and I started out back in our middle school days making girlfriends for the Ninja turtles and drawing out their stories. A good friend of mine in high school and I talked endlessly about alternate plots for Sailor Moon and old Popples cartoons. I craved to make this interaction part of my life's work. Something I could do for a living.

Writing is lonely work, but I still kept my eyes open for kindred spirits to share the vision with. I've befriended artists, built comic book ideas, written rpgs hundreds of pages long, and, up to a few years ago, still asked writer friends if they wanted to collaborate. Write a story back and forth, each have a part. It was always something, always the idea that I needed someone else along for the ride to make the experience complete.

I'm starting to realize, with my nano project this year, that no one can truly share that with me. Sure, I can have a finished draft to bring to a crit group, or I can brainstorm with friends for ideas. But the writing, that butt-in-chair, actual work, is all up to me. When you come right down to it, there's no giggling with pads of paper and cups of coffee late into the night. It's me, with a keyboard, and a pot of tea beside me. I'm the only one who drinks from it.

It's hard work, this going alone. But I think I may be okay with it now. I'm starting to get it.

It's all up to me. It won't get done unless I do it, and I can't wait for others to join me. Even taking part in Nanowrimo activities, going to write-ins and such, seeking crit groups online...it's always been about finding friends to share in the experience. This year, even the write-ins have lacked luster for me. I find myself annoyed. I want to be back at home writing, and not having to choose between forging friendships and getting the work done.

I'm up to 14k this year, most of it done here at my home computer. I've been right on track with the word count this year, but I feel like I've jumped the train car clear to the engine. I'm driving now, whereas in past years, I've just tried to hold on to the caboose.

It's kind of nice. Solitary, frightening, but freeing as well.