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Picture a snapshot of the American Dream. Chances are, this calls to mind a house and a family. Perhaps the most enduring institutions in American society, homeownership and marriage have shaped the economic fortunes of families in the United States since the country’s origin. So what is the relationship between the two?
Where kissing is concerned, there is an entire categorization of this most human of impulses that necessitates taking into account setting, relationship health and the emotional context in which the kiss occurs. A relationship’s condition might be predicted and its trajectory timeline plotted by observing and understanding how the couple kiss. For instance, viewed through the lens of a couple’s dynamic, a peck on the cheek can convey cold, hard rejection or simply signify that a loving couple are pressed for time.
A kiss communicates a myriad of meanings, its reception and perception can alter dramatically depending on the couple’s state of mind. A wife suffering from depression may interpret her husband’s kiss entirely differently should her symptoms be alleviated. Similarly, a jealous, insecure lover may receive his girlfriend’s kiss of greeting utterly at odds to how she intends it to be perceived.
So if the mind can translate the meaning of a kiss to fit with its reading of the world, what can a kiss between a couple tell us? Does this intimate act mark out territory and ownership, a hands-off-he’s-mine nod to those around? Perhaps an unspoken negotiation of power between a couple that covers a whole range of feelings and intentions; how does a kiss-and-make-up kiss differ from a flirtatious kiss or an apologetic one? What of a furtive kiss; an adulterous kiss; a hungry kiss; a brutal kiss? How does a first kiss distinguish itself from a final kiss? When the husband complains to his wife that after 15 years of marriage, “we don’t kiss like we used to”, is he yearning for the adolescent ‘snog’ of his youth?
Engulfed by techno culture, where every text message ends with a ‘X’, couples must carve out space in their busy schedules to merely glimpse one another over the edge of their laptops. There isn’t psychic space for such an old-fashioned concept as a simple kiss. In a time-impoverished, stress-burdened world, we need our kisses to communicate more. Kisses should be able to multi-task. It would be an extravagance in the 21st-century for a kiss not to mean anything.
And there’s the cultural context of kissing to consider. Do you go French, Latin or Eskimo? Add to this each family’s own customs, classifications and codes around how to kiss. For a couple, these differences necessitate accepting the way that your parents embraced may strike your new partner as odd, even perverse. For the northern lass whose family offer to ‘brew up’ instead of a warm embrace, the European preamble of two or three kisses at the breakfast table between her southern softie of a husband and his family, can seem baffling.
The context of a kiss between a couple correlates to the store of positive feeling they have between them; the amount of love in the bank of their relationship. Take 1: a kiss on the way out in the morning can be a reminder of the intimacy that has just been. Take 2: in an acrimonious coupling, this same gesture perhaps signposts a dash for freedom, a “thank God I don’t have to see you for 11 hours”. The kiss on the way back in through the front door can be a chance to reconnect after a day spent operating in different spheres or, less benignly, to assuage and disguise feelings of guilt at not wanting to be back at all.
Couple, by Oleh Slobodeniuk. CC-BY-2.0 via Flickr.
While on the subject of lip-to-lip contact, the place where a kiss lands expresses meaning. The peck on the forehead may herald a relationship where one partner distances themselves as a parental figure. A forensic ritualized pattern of kisses destined for the cheeks carries a different message to the gentle nip on the earlobe. Lips, cheek, neck, it seems all receptors convey significance to both kisser and ‘kissee’ and could indicate relationship dynamics such as a conservative-rebellious pairing or a babes-in-the-wood coupling.
Like Emperor Tiberius, who banned kissing because he thought it helped spread fungal disease, Bert Bacarach asks, ‘What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia…’ Conceivably the nature of kissing and the unhygienic potential it carries is the ultimate symbol of trust between two lovers and raises the question of whether kissing is a prelude or an end in itself, ergo the long-suffering wife who doesn’t like kissing anymore “because I know what it’ll lead to…”
The twenty-first century has witnessed the proliferation of orthodontistry with its penchant for full mental braces. Modern mouths are habitually adorned with lip and tongue piercings as fetish wear or armour. Is this straying away from what a kiss means or a consideration of how modern mores can begin to create a new language around this oldest of greetings? There is an entire generation maturing whose first kiss was accompanied by the clashing of metal, casting a distinct shadow over their ideas around later couple intimacy.
Throughout history, from Judas to Marilyn Monroe, a kiss has communicated submission, domination, status, sexual desire, affection, friendship, betrayal, sealed a pact of peace or the giving of life. There is public kissing and private kissing. Kissing signposts good or bad manners. It is both a conscious and unconscious coded communication and can betray the instigator’s character; from the inhibited introvert to the narcissistic exhibitionist. The 16th-century theologian Erasmus described kissing as ‘a most attractive custom’. Rodin immortalized doomed, illicit lovers in his marble sculpture, and Chekhov wrote of the transformative power of a mistaken kiss. The history and meaning of the kiss evolves and shifts and yet remains steadfastly the same: a distinctly human, intimate and complex gesture, instantly recognizable despite its infinite variety of uses. I’ve a feeling Sam’s ‘You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss’ may never sound quite the same again.
Headline image credit: Conquered with a kiss, by .craig. CC-BY-NC-2.0 via Flickr.
Personal Confession
My name is Elena Ornig and I confess to encourage you to live your dreams.
At four, I was the only child in kindergarten who could fluently read. Often, the nannies would sneak out for an extra gossip break, leaving me inside of a circle of children; I just loved it.
At 15, as a dedicated volunteer researcher of Moscow Regional history, I was invited to write for a local newspaper and I just loved it.
At 16, known by every local librarian as a book monster, I was encouraged by one of them to write my own book and I put all my effort into it. And I just loved it because I dreamed of becoming a great writer.
Nevertheless, I thought I needed a professional opinion to be sure I was on the right path. At my school I approached a teacher who was regarded by almost everybody as “the guru” ...
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What makes one happy- something that you want and get or the something that you already have and are able to appreciate? The something that you want and get – involves two steps. First, you have to understand and decide what you want, exactly, and then pursue it till you get it. This is risky but exciting. It has thrilling energy in the act of persuasion, but what if you will never get what you want? Isn’t it depressing to even think about it? What if the concept of what you want will be lost in the process of identification? What if a dream, an idea of having something or somebody, will never be yours? What is the point then to even go that way?
What is the point of leaving yourself open to that depressing and disappointing possibility to never understand what you want or to never get what you ...
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Answers from Elena Ornig
We all commonly believe that love exists.
“If you have love, you don’t need to have anything else”.
Sir J. M. Barrie
Does this quote really mean that love is everything? Well if it is, how do you define everything? In common understanding – all that exists; all that relates; all that is important. But if you look into it philosophically, it only implies that love has a ‘nature’ and if it’s true, it should be describable by language. Great! When it comes to describing it by language, a huge range of opinions arises, from ‘the love is hell’ to ‘the love is heaven’.
Let’s look at this with simple reasoning. We all commonly believe that love exists. If it exists, then it is something. Maybe it is not everything, but it is certainly more than nothing! If something can be described but not explained, then it makes it even ...
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5STARS Few words can describe Flip with justice, so I am not going to try. Taken from the inside jacket flap: One morning fourteen-year-old Alex wakes up to find himself in the wrong bedroom, in an unfamiliar house, in a different part of the country. Six months have disappeared overnight. The family at the breakfast table? [...]
Scenes are made up of Actions, Thoughts, Dialogue and Emotions.
In every scene, a character has external goals and internal goals. External goals might be something like getting a cup of coffee to drink, while the accompanying internal goal is getting to talk with the pretty barista one more time. These goals can be expressed through actions, thoughts, dialogue or emotion, usually all four.
Each scene has a structure.beginning, middle, end. This implies that some event is happening. It may be walking inside a house, or it may be a scene where a character finds out something important. Sometimes, you even want to make a distinction between the external and internal: the scene takes place in the stands of a football game, but it’s really about discovering the villain’s real name. in The Scene Book, Sandra Scofield, uses two terms, the occasion and the event. Here, the Occasion is watching the football game; the Event is finding out the villain’s real name. In other words, the Occasion is the external circumstances; the Event is the actions that directly relate to your plot.
Scenes open in various ways, but the goal of an opening is to hook the reader, just as you would in the opening chapter. The middle involves obstacles and complications to the goal, and the end is usually a disaster. Somewhere, there’s a pivot point, a place where the action speeds up, changes direction, or twists off in a tangent. Things don’t go as expected. It may be just deepening of tension or emotion.
Pulse. Sandra Scofield says there’s a pulse to every scene. For me, it’s the subtext that is happening. Two characters talk but that means nothing without understanding the characters and situation. When we understand the underlying issues, we know that the conversation may be about eating apples or oranges, but really, it’s a quarrel between lovers; or it’s between a husband and wife and is really about who has control of the family budget; or it’s between a grocer and stock boy and is really about job expectation and job performance. In well told stories, often the underlying issues (control of the family budget) isn’t stated explicitly. That’s good: remember the adage to Show-Don’t-Tell. Talking about fruit is a good way to SHOW the strain in a marriage over the divisive issue of money.
Scofield, then, says to search for the subtext in every scene. What are the characters fighting for? What do they long for? How can you subtly add this to the scene?
If you’re having trouble finding a girlfriend, it might be because you’re going after the wrong sort of girl. You may be aiming too high, or too low. Probably too high. You might be hitting on lesbians. And while I have nothing against lesbians, they’re not the first place I look when I’m in the market for a girlfriend. They’re probably the third place I look, right after prostitutes, and right before robots.
So here are some rough guidelines to help you seek out the right kind of woman. That is, the kind of woman who wouldn’t laugh at the idea of being sought out by a guy like you.
Find a Woman Who is Used to Disappointment
Because let’s face it, you’re probably going to disappoint the hell out of her—sexually, financially, philosophically. (She won’t understand why you read all that nineteenth-century Continental philosophy, and she never will. At one point she will threaten to kill herself if you don’t put down the Hegel and come to the goddamn dinner table.)
Try to find a woman who lived during the Great Depression, if you can. These beautiful creatures have seen the absolute bottom, so any meager thing you can offer them will seem attractive. Now they may not have the tightest little bodies anymore—in fact, they may be downright disgusting, physically—but don’t let that stop you. Being superficial is a privilege available only to those capable of getting with a woman whose outsides are attractive.
If you can’t find any single pre-war babes—because they do get snapped up really quickly, let me tell you—then you might want to seek out a girl who was eliminated from one of the early rounds of American Idol. She will have absolutely no self-esteem and a pure, hopeful heart. After being called a “fat slutty talentless train wreck” by Simon Cowell, she will just want someone to tell her she’s pretty. And you can lie just as well as the next guy.
Find a Woman Who Makes Terrible Decisions
Because she might just think it’s a smart idea to date you.
It’s easiest to find such women, I think, at places of commerce, where a woman’s decision-making ability is perhaps most prominently displayed. So if you see a woman buying a VCR, for instance, you should follow her out of the store to her car and ask her out immediately. If she opts for the $90 three-year warranty on the $20 toaster she’s buying, tell her you think she’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, at least in a Walmart. If she buys the first season of Skating with Celebrities on DVD, then you should propose to her on the spot. Because that show is just awful. And if she likes that, how could she not like you?
Of course, her poor decisions will probably come back to bite you in the ass at some point down the line. One day, she’ll excitedly tell you she just invested all your retirement savings in prime Florida swampland. “Oh, honey,” she’ll say, holding you tight, “we’re gonna be so rich!” But you can tolerate this. Because after all, she’s tolerating you.
Where To Look
Certain places will be more likely to have the type of down-on-her-luck, ill-deciding woman you’re looking for.
One place is the arcade. If there’s a woman over eighteen hanging out in an arcade who’s not just there with her son or little brother, she might as well be yours. Or dead. So march right into the arcade, tear her away from the first-person shooter she’s playing—on which she undoubtedly has the high score—and plant a kiss on her miserable lips. She’ll probably start to cry, out of joy, but don’t get scared. Take her right to the arcade counter, where she can redeem the thousands of tickets she’s accumulated over the years for an oversized pencil, three marbles, and a whoopee cushion—and to think, it only cost her six-hundred dollars worth of quarters to get all that cool stuff. Lead her out of the arcade, forever, and say hello to your future wife, and eventually ex-wife.
Abandoned warehouses are also great places to look for the type of girl you should be pursuing. You’ll often find her passed out in a corner, a needle in her arm, a delirious smile on her sallow face. Just yank the syringe from her arm, splash some cold water on her—room-temperature water will do, I guess, though you really should try to use cold—and take her in your arms. Tell her she doesn’t have to do this anymore, she doesn’t have to run anymore, because big boy’s here to save her. (You’re big boy.) She’ll be so out of her mind on drugs she’ll probably just start licking your face and neck, which will feel pretty good. Or if you’ve awakened her from a bad trip, she might start clawing at your eyes and genitals. But either way, she’ll eventually thank you for rescuing her from a sinful life of which she is now oppressively ashamed, at which point you two may begin a subdued, loveless relationship.
Another easy spot is the outpatient wing of a hospital. The women here will be in poor spirits and, more importantly, they will often be light-headed and not thinking clearly. So you can probably score a much better-looking woman in an outpatient area than anywhere else. One time I met this beautiful blonde in a hospital who was very light-headed from giving a ton of blood. I convinced her to go home with me, where we had what was probably the best sex of my life, and the worst sex of hers. The next day, the results of her blood tests came back. She was positive for syphilis and lupus. And as it turns out, she was autistic, as well. So hospitals are a gamble, I’m not denying that. But if you never step up to the plate and swing, you’re never going to hit a home run.
Other obvious hotspots for finding your target woman are liquor stores and the internet. If you see a woman buying a plastic handle of booze in a liquor store, then you know she’s depressed, and if you see her also buying lotto tickets, then you know she’s lost hope in her own ability to find happiness and has passed on that responsibility to the indifferent workings of fate. So swoop in for the kill—she’s ready and waiting. And the internet is positively chock full of sad women who have made terrible decisions in their lives. So tell one of these women, “What more could one bad decision do? Date me!”
You wouldn’t just blindly pick out a shirt from a store—no, you’d think about what size fits your slender build, what colors suit your wan complexion, what price goes well with your depressing salary. So why would you pick out a girl without considering these same things? Focusing your search—saying “I’m looking for a shirt that costs no more than eleven dollars,” or “I’m looking for a girl who weighs no less than two-hundred pounds and has suffered a personal tragedy within the last four months”—will improve your results tenfold, trust me.
So don’t be stupid and go looking for the girl of your dreams. Be sensible, and look for the girl of your carefully calculated and depressingly reasonable hopes.
You’ve lined up a first date with the girl of your dreams. But where do you take her—the movies, a cafe, a restaurant? Bo-ring. Here are some first-date ideas that will leave your lucky lady clamoring for more.
Take Her to a Strip Club
For some reason, many overlook this obvious first-date destination. Strip clubs offer great chicken wings, spirited performers, and so much ambiance it’ll probably make you and your little lady both shit your pants, or at least want to. Actually, it might be the chicken wings that make you want to shit your pants, but you’ll both be having such a good time it won’t even matter.
Going to a strip club is a good opportunity for you to show your date how you interact with women. So be friendly with the strippers. Slap them kindly on the ass as they bring your drinks, slide dollar bills cordially into their underwear as they thrust their privates into your date’s face, and make sure to ask them about politics. In my experience, strippers always have the most fascinating political views. I met this one dancer, for instance, who was absolutely convinced that Millard Fillmore was just Abraham Lincoln’s nickname for Ronald Reagan. And now I’m convinced of the same thing, even if the chronology doesn’t exactly line up.
And for Christ’s sake, don’t be stingy. Get the girl a lap dance. She’ll probably play shy and tell you she doesn’t want one, she may even threaten to leave if you get her one, but don’t listen to her—in her heart of hearts, she wants nothing more than to be sat on by a dirty stripper. All women do. It’s in their DNA.
Invite Her to the Dollar Store
A wide variety of products, great value, friendly staff—what’s not to love about the dollar store?
Give your date anywhere between five and eight dollars when she gets there and tell her to buy anything she wants, as long as she brings back a few dollars in change. If you give her four dollars, she will walk away, and if you give her nine dollars, she will walk away. I don’t know why that’s the way it is, but that’s the way it is.
While she’s shopping, you should wait outside the store and have a cigarette or two, even if you don’t smoke. This will give her the privacy she needs to pick out what she really wants and will give you a chance to suck on some smooth Camel Lights.
When she comes out of the store, it’s time to examine her purchases. These will tell you everything you need to know about the girl who bought them and a surprising amount about the future of your relationship.
If she buys between five and eight dollars worth of condoms, then she wants to have sex with you, or someone else. And call me old-fashioned, but a girl who trusts dollar-store condoms is okay in my book.
If she buys any type of meat product—beef patties, hot dogs, dollar sirloins, even dog food—then break things off right then and there. She’s a closeted lesbian.
If she buys any cat toys, she is also a closeted lesbian, but you should stay with her, because she will have a hilarious sense of humor. After a few awkward dates you will settle into a comfortable routine in which you watch reruns of Roseanne together every Friday night and then retire to the bedroom, where you each masturbate in your own corner of the bed while repeating the other’s name aloud to the beat of a John Philip Sousa march. Eventually this will become like sex for you, and all other forms of erotic activity will seem foreign and unattractive. Suddenly she will leave you to join the Marines, and you will be all alone in the world, looking hopelessly for another girl who loves Roseanne and mutual masturbation as much as you do.
If she buys any sort of topical cream, then you two will end up getting married. Not because you love each other—no, you will really dislike this one—but because you’ll get her pregnant and she’ll oversleep on the day she was supposed to go the abortion clinic. Or at least that’ll be her excuse. She will drink during her pregnancy and your child will suffer several birth defects, including really large nipples and an inability to do complex calculus.
If she buys you a gift with the money, I advise you to throw it in her face. She’s trying too hard to impress you, and no one likes a brown-noser.
Invite Her to Your Place of Work During Your Shift
This way, she can see you in action. “What a hard-working guy,” she’ll think to herself. “I really ought to fuck him.”
Tell her to bring a Gameboy or Sudoku or something, though, because these dates can really drag on, often as long as eight to ten hours. I remember one time I had this date with a girl at the manure plant where I was working, and my shift must have been fourteen hours long. Well, long story short, I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I completely forgot I was on a date and just went home without telling the girl. The next Monday, they found her cold, lifeless body at the bottom of a giant manure pile. Cause of death: heartbreak. Or at least that’s what I think. They found a bunch of drugs in her system, too, though, so that could’ve been a factor.
So don’t settle for the conventional first-date spots. Because girls don’t want to eat a nice meal, or have an interesting conversation over coffee, or see a hilarious movie. Girls want to be shocked, and disappointed, and sat on by dirty strippers. As I said before, it’s in their DNA. And you can’t argue with science!
You’ve lined up a first date with the girl of your dreams. But where do you take her—the movies, a cafe, a restaurant? Bo-ring. Here are some first-date ideas that will leave your lucky lady clamoring for more.
Take Her to a Strip Club
For some reason, many overlook this obvious first-date destination. Strip clubs offer great chicken wings, spirited performers, and so much ambiance it’ll probably make you and your little lady both shit your pants, or at least want to. Actually, it might be the chicken wings that make you want to shit your pants, but you’ll both be having such a good time it won’t even matter.
Going to a strip club is a good opportunity for you to show your date how you interact with women. So be friendly with the strippers. Slap them kindly on the ass as they bring your drinks, slide dollar bills cordially into their underwear as they thrust their privates into your date’s face, and make sure to ask them about politics. In my experience, strippers always have the most fascinating political views. I met this one dancer, for instance, who was absolutely convinced that Millard Fillmore was just Abraham Lincoln’s nickname for Ronald Reagan. And now I’m convinced of the same thing, even if the chronology doesn’t exactly line up.
And for Christ’s sake, don’t be stingy. Get the girl a lap dance. She’ll probably play shy and tell you she doesn’t want one, she may even threaten to leave if you get her one, but don’t listen to her—in her heart of hearts, she wants nothing more than to be sat on by a dirty stripper. All women do. It’s in their DNA.
Invite Her to the Dollar Store
A wide variety of products, great value, friendly staff—what’s not to love about the dollar store?
Give your date anywhere between five and eight dollars when she gets there and tell her to buy anything she wants, as long as she brings back a few dollars in change. If you give her four dollars, she will walk away, and if you give her nine dollars, she will walk away. I don’t know why that’s the way it is, but that’s the way it is.
While she’s shopping, you should wait outside the store and have a cigarette or two, even if you don’t smoke. This will give her the privacy she needs to pick out what she really wants and will give you a chance to suck on some smooth Camel Lights.
When she comes out of the store, it’s time to examine her purchases. These will tell you everything you need to know about the girl who bought them and a surprising amount about the future of your relationship.
If she buys between five and eight dollars worth of condoms, then she wants to have sex with you, or someone else. And call me old-fashioned, but a girl who trusts dollar-store condoms is okay in my book.
If she buys any type of meat product—beef patties, hot dogs, dollar sirloins, even dog food—then break things off right then and there. She’s a closeted lesbian.
If she buys any cat toys, she is also a closeted lesbian, but you should stay with her, because she will have a hilarious sense of humor. After a few awkward dates you will settle into a comfortable routine in which you watch reruns of Roseanne together every Friday night and then retire to the bedroom, where you each masturbate in your own corner of the bed while repeating the other’s name aloud to the beat of a John Philip Sousa march. Eventually this will become like sex for you, and all other forms of erotic activity will seem foreign and unattractive. Suddenly she will leave you to join the Marines, and you will be all alone in the world, looking hopelessly for another girl who loves Roseanne and mutual masturbation as much as you do.
If she buys any sort of topical cream, then you two will end up getting married. Not because you love each other—no, you will really dislike this one—but because you’ll get her pregnant and she’ll oversleep on the day she was supposed to go the abortion clinic. Or at least that’ll be her excuse. She will drink during her pregnancy and your child will suffer several birth defects, including really large nipples and an inability to do complex calculus.
If she buys you a gift with the money, I advise you to throw it in her face. She’s trying too hard to impress you, and no one likes a brown-noser.
Invite Her to Your Place of Work During Your Shift
This way, she can see you in action. “What a hard-working guy,” she’ll think to herself. “I really ought to fuck him.”
Tell her to bring a Gameboy or Sudoku or something, though, because these dates can really drag on, often as long as eight to ten hours. I remember one time I had this date with a girl at the manure plant where I was working, and my shift must have been fourteen hours long. Well, long story short, I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I completely forgot I was on a date and just went home without telling the girl. The next Monday, they found her cold, lifeless body at the bottom of a giant manure pile. Cause of death: heartbreak. Or at least that’s what I think. They found a bunch of drugs in her system, too, though, so that could’ve been a factor.
So don’t settle for the conventional first-date spots. Because girls don’t want to eat a nice meal, or have an interesting conversation over coffee, or see a hilarious movie. Girls want to be shocked, and disappointed, and sat on by dirty strippers. As I said before, it’s in their DNA. And you can’t argue with science!
I have a hard time saying no when people ask me to do something. According to Merriam-Webster.com, no means: not so —used to express negation, dissent, denial, or refusal . Sounds easier said than done.
I can’t say no to teachers. Why is it that I revert immediately back to a child when confronted by a teacher? My son’s second grade teacher asked me to create games for their fall festival. Immediately I had to raise my hand to ask a question. Raise me hand? I’m probably a good 20 years older than her, why am I raising my hand? Because she’s a teacher. Rather than just telling her that I’ve already committed to lugging a moonbounce to my son’s preschool, baking a birthday cake for our goldfish AND mowing the backyard after two straight weeks of rain, I hear myself, “How many games?” I can’t explain the horrific guilt I felt when I pulled in the carpool line and my son was the last person standing there WITH the principle! She capitalized on this by getting me to run the Book Fair!
If teachers were hard enough, priests are even worse to say no to. They have this uncanny ability to look out into the pews at service and immediately pick out who they can tap for the next big project. “Hmmm, need volunteers for the entire summer to dig trenches? Let’s see…oh, great Kelly Melang is sitting in the back hiding behind a pillar, perfect.” I try to make it out of service and feel this tap on my shoulder. I think this is why our priest standing at the back of church shaking hands of everyone leaving, it allows him to hold on and get you to volunteer. I can’t say no because I picture St. Peter there at the golden gates highlighting my name on his list, “Hmm Melang didn’t want to clean out the bird poo from the rafters of the church, one black mark.”
Then there’s the dreaded brownie/cub scout showing up at your door with the $50 box of popcorn. I’ve found myself hiding in the house with all the lights off sucking my thumb hoping that I don’t have to mortgage the house for wrapping paper and popcorn. Or they catch me and I’m wondering why I’ve gained 2 inches on my thighs from the 16 boxes of cookies I consumed.
I am weak, no is a hard word for me to say. I’ve been employing a new strategy to not over commit myself by using these three steps:
If someone asks me to volunteer, chair, work, watch someone (insert commitment here) here’s how I say no:
“Kelly, can you make 300 cupcakes with all the colors of rainbow and letters of the alphabet on them for the school?” Here I have a choice, normally I’ll just say yes then spend the next few days complaining as my fingers turn blue from food coloring and my boys go into a sugar coma from licking bowls. Now I say, “I’m sorry, I can’t really commit to that at this time.” This is translated into, “I’m trying to say something to get away from you then I’ll hide until the function is over…” With my luck, they find me hiding in the bathroom stall and next thing I know, I’m in the kitchen.
My second tactial way to say no is, “I’m sorry I can’t do whatever but I can do……” For example, I’m shaking our rector’s hand and he asks, “Kelly we really need someone to work the diaper changing room this morning.” Hmmmm, my children are out of diapers and in case no one knows, other children’s poop really does stink. Now I say, “I can’t do this because I’ll throw up, but I can help push the crying babies up and down the hallway.” Translation: Having two small boys means I lost my hearing a long time ago, so pushing crying babies sounds a lot easier to me.
“Kelly, can you commit the next 9 months of your life to running all the fundraising for (insert program here).” I’ve already committed 9 months of my life twice and believe me I remember the last two months as not much fun. Rather than saying No, I say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives me a chance to think and let everyone tell me that I am crazy for even considering this. With that chance to breathe, you realize that 9 months is a really long time and just like birth control, you have to say no. Maybe you’ll get lucky and someone else will step up before you have to make a decision.
How do I limit my schedule when most Moms schedules are jam packed? I don’t commit to anything unless asked, that way people are coming to me when they really need someone. We all know those few that setup everything, those completely coordinated, organized, got it together Moms that run the PTA as school. HIDE FROM THEM! Whenever they see you, there’s some type of request, even if it’s just licking 600 envelopes for the parish mailing. I bet you, they are sitting home with eating bon bons- they’ve delegated everything out!
I have a hard time saying no when people ask me to do something. According to Merriam-Webster.com, no means: not so —used to express negation, dissent, denial, or refusal . Sounds easier said than done.
I can’t say no to teachers. Why is it that I revert immediately back to a child when confronted by a teacher? My son’s second grade teacher asked me to create games for their fall festival. Immediately I had to raise my hand to ask a question. Raise me hand? I’m probably a good 20 years older than her, why am I raising my hand? Because she’s a teacher. Rather than just telling her that I’ve already committed to lugging a moonbounce to my son’s preschool, baking a birthday cake for our goldfish AND mowing the backyard after two straight weeks of rain, I hear myself, “How many games?” I can’t explain the horrific guilt I felt when I pulled in the carpool line and my son was the last person standing there WITH the principle! She capitalized on this by getting me to run the Book Fair!
If teachers were hard enough, priests are even worse to say no to. They have this uncanny ability to look out into the pews at service and immediately pick out who they can tap for the next big project. “Hmmm, need volunteers for the entire summer to dig trenches? Let’s see…oh, great Kelly Melang is sitting in the back hiding behind a pillar, perfect.” I try to make it out of service and feel this tap on my shoulder. I think this is why our priest standing at the back of church shaking hands of everyone leaving, it allows him to hold on and get you to volunteer. I can’t say no because I picture St. Peter there at the golden gates highlighting my name on his list, “Hmm Melang didn’t want to clean out the bird poo from the rafters of the church, one black mark.”
Then there’s the dreaded brownie/cub scout showing up at your door with the $50 box of popcorn. I’ve found myself hiding in the house with all the lights off sucking my thumb hoping that I don’t have to mortgage the house for wrapping paper and popcorn. Or they catch me and I’m wondering why I’ve gained 2 inches on my thighs from the 16 boxes of cookies I consumed.
I am weak, no is a hard word for me to say. I’ve been employing a new strategy to not over commit myself by using these three steps:
If someone asks me to volunteer, chair, work, watch someone (insert commitment here) here’s how I say no:
“Kelly, can you make 300 cupcakes with all the colors of rainbow and letters of the alphabet on them for the school?” Here I have a choice, normally I’ll just say yes then spend the next few days complaining as my fingers turn blue from food coloring and my boys go into a sugar coma from licking bowls. Now I say, “I’m sorry, I can’t really commit to that at this time.” This is translated into, “I’m trying to say something to get away from you then I’ll hide until the function is over…” With my luck, they find me hiding in the bathroom stall and next thing I know, I’m in the kitchen.
My second tactial way to say no is, “I’m sorry I can’t do whatever but I can do……” For example, I’m shaking our rector’s hand and he asks, “Kelly we really need someone to work the diaper changing room this morning.” Hmmmm, my children are out of diapers and in case no one knows, other children’s poop really does stink. Now I say, “I can’t do this because I’ll throw up, but I can help push the crying babies up and down the hallway.” Translation: Having two small boys means I lost my hearing a long time ago, so pushing crying babies sounds a lot easier to me.
“Kelly, can you commit the next 9 months of your life to running all the fundraising for (insert program here).” I’ve already committed 9 months of my life twice and believe me I remember the last two months as not much fun. Rather than saying No, I say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives me a chance to think and let everyone tell me that I am crazy for even considering this. With that chance to breathe, you realize that 9 months is a really long time and just like birth control, you have to say no. Maybe you’ll get lucky and someone else will step up before you have to make a decision.
How do I limit my schedule when most Moms schedules are jam packed? I don’t commit to anything unless asked, that way people are coming to me when they really need someone. We all know those few that setup everything, those completely coordinated, organized, got it together Moms that run the PTA as school. HIDE FROM THEM! Whenever they see you, there’s some type of request, even if it’s just licking 600 envelopes for the parish mailing. I bet you, they are sitting home with eating bon bons- they’ve delegated everything out!
You have a great marriage. Your wife is fantastic. You also have a job that you are thoroughly satisfied with. What could possibly go wrong? Oops, you misplaced your wedding ring. What are you going to do? Here are five excuses for losing your wedding ring:
1. You wouldn’t believe it but our dog swallowed my wedding ring. I guess he mistook it for a tasty treat.
2. My ring fell off while I was polishing our car. It got lost in the grass. What’s that? You just saw the car and it was filthy dirty. Um, um, um. Well it was clean two minutes ago. On second thought, it was off my finger while I was mowing the lawn. What’s that? The grass doesn’t look like it has been mowed. Um, um, um. On third thought, I’ll tell you the truth. My ring was cutting off the circulation to my finger. It was a horrible sight. I couldn’t wear the ring anymore. I decided to donate my ring to Goodwill. Wasn’t I being generous?
3. It fell in the sink. I tried to take it out of the sink, but I dropped it. The next thing you know it was being chewed up by the garbage disposal. We need to replace our garbage disposal immediately.
4. I was at work when my ring came off my finger and landed in the shredder. Oh my word, all I have left is twisted metal.
5. Joe in the warehouse picked up my ring that I accidentally placed in the shipping department while I was working on inventory. He thought it was suppose to go in the box marked fake jewelry. Before I knew it, Joe had shipped my ring to a company in Puerto Rico. Isn’t that the craziest thing that you have ever heard?
You have a great marriage. Your wife is fantastic. You also have a job that you are thoroughly satisfied with. What could possibly go wrong? Oops, you misplaced your wedding ring. What are you going to do? Here are five excuses for losing your wedding ring:
1. You wouldn’t believe it but our dog swallowed my wedding ring. I guess he mistook it for a tasty treat.
2. My ring fell off while I was polishing our car. It got lost in the grass. What’s that? You just saw the car and it was filthy dirty. Um, um, um. Well it was clean two minutes ago. On second thought, it was off my finger while I was mowing the lawn. What’s that? The grass doesn’t look like it has been mowed. Um, um, um. On third thought, I’ll tell you the truth. My ring was cutting off the circulation to my finger. It was a horrible sight. I couldn’t wear the ring anymore. I decided to donate my ring to Goodwill. Wasn’t I being generous?
3. It fell in the sink. I tried to take it out of the sink, but I dropped it. The next thing you know it was being chewed up by the garbage disposal. We need to replace our garbage disposal immediately.
4. I was at work when my ring came off my finger and landed in the shredder. Oh my word, all I have left is twisted metal.
5. Joe in the warehouse picked up my ring that I accidentally placed in the shipping department while I was working on inventory. He thought it was suppose to go in the box marked fake jewelry. Before I knew it, Joe had shipped my ring to a company in Puerto Rico. Isn’t that the craziest thing that you have ever heard?
Do you have a problem with sex? Perhaps you need to see a sex therapist. After a few sessions, you might become a new person. Here are fifteen fortune cookie sayings from sex therapists:
At work, at play, and in the bed, life has its ups and downs.
Keep your two girlfriends away from going to the same restaurant unless you like to live your life dangerously.
Remember to keep your thoughts clean and your sheets clean at the same time.
Go to your grocery store and buy a lot of vegetables, particularly cucumbers. You are going to have a very exciting evening tonight.
Two’s company, but four makes for an extremely stimulating night.
Despite all your cosmetic surgeries, your heart is still true. Time to bring pleasure to your new body parts.
It is difficult to have a moist erotic kiss if your lips are severly chapped.
Condemn violence, but use a condom when having sex.
If you have an affair, make it count for everything you got because if you are discovered, you will lose everything you got.
Sex is like fireworks. It can be very explosive, but can also have its duds.
You cannot substitute pills for love. However, they do have interesting side effects.
Your passion will flow like a raging river. You are under a flood watch tonight.
A little music and a little food will put your partner in the right mood. But a little gas will swiftly burn out the flames of desire.
Give your honey a great big hug. Sorry, your honey has the flu. Now your hug has given you the bug.
Embrace your lover, but never lock braces together.
Do you have a problem with sex? Perhaps you need to see a sex therapist. After a few sessions, you might become a new person. Here are fifteen fortune cookie sayings from sex therapists:
At work, at play, and in the bed, life has its ups and downs.
Keep your two girlfriends away from going to the same restaurant unless you like to live your life dangerously.
Remember to keep your thoughts clean and your sheets clean at the same time.
Go to your grocery store and buy a lot of vegetables, particularly cucumbers. You are going to have a very exciting evening tonight.
Two’s company, but four makes for an extremely stimulating night.
Despite all your cosmetic surgeries, your heart is still true. Time to bring pleasure to your new body parts.
It is difficult to have a moist erotic kiss if your lips are severly chapped.
Condemn violence, but use a condom when having sex.
If you have an affair, make it count for everything you got because if you are discovered, you will lose everything you got.
Sex is like fireworks. It can be very explosive, but can also have its duds.
You cannot substitute pills for love. However, they do have interesting side effects.
Your passion will flow like a raging river. You are under a flood watch tonight.
A little music and a little food will put your partner in the right mood. But a little gas will swiftly burn out the flames of desire.
Give your honey a great big hug. Sorry, your honey has the flu. Now your hug has given you the bug.
Embrace your lover, but never lock braces together.
I had first learned about Shelf Awareness and Author Buzz when a reader brought it to my attention in early 2006. I’d already been a fan of MJ Rose’s blog Buzz, Balls & Hype (even guest blogging on it in early March the same year) for some time, but had not put together the very obvious clues that she was also responsible for Author Buzz and other marketing tools to help authors reach a wide selection of booksellers, librarians and book clubs.
Around September, Ms. Rose asked if I would like to be part of an informal focus group of booksellers for her novel The Reincarnationist.Due to time constraints I was unable to follow up on the project, but the idea of book focus groups seemed so perfect for the publishing world that it stayed in the back of mind.Last month I contacted Ms. Rose to find out how the focus groups had gone, only to discover that she was now involved with putting together Thrillerfest as well as marketing class for authors to be taught at the event.Never one to miss an opportunity to pester someone about marketing, I shot off an email full of questions on all things Thrillerfest, marketing, focus groups, and why authors need to get their names out there in an efficient manner.
The following interview resulted from that email exchange.
Linsey(aka Bookseller Chick): You're involved with the Thrillerfest (July 12th-15th in Manhattan) along with James Patterson, Lisa Gardner, Clive Cussler, James Rollins and others, which is billed as "a four-day annual celebration of the fiction world's most popular genre." How are you involved?
MJ Rose: I'm on the board of ITW as well as being a founding member. I became involved after the first meeting in the fall of 2004 --excited at the idea of an organization whose goals including building readership. Strangely enough, we're the only writer's organization that has that goal.
Linsey: What makes it fictions most popular genre? What is it about the Thriller that appeals to readers world wide?
MJ: Since the beginning of storytelling, "then what happens" has been what’s kept people transfixed and that's the essence of our genre.
Linsey: What opportunities does Thrillerfest offer readers? Writers?
MJ: We're not an organization that helps writers get published , find agents or get legal advice. Those orgs already existed.
We are here to celebrate the genre. To get more attention via innovative and creative ways for our authors and their books with the press and with readers. We're the first writers' organization that has a reader's newsletter. And we set up our convention, ThrillerFest, to bring readers and writers together with more than 85% of the panels aimed at readers. Our anthology, Thriller, is one of the best selling anthologies ever published and had met its goal of getting an enormous amount of attention for our authors. Our big name authors wind up introducing readers to our not yet big name authors. Its a great example of the generosity of our membership. And there's lots more to come.
Linsey: Your class at Craftfest (the writer orientated portion of Thrillerfest) is a bonus session focused on creating book buzz--your area of expertise--will you be focusing on internet buzz, reaching booksellers, reaching readers or all of the above?
MJ: All of the above.
Linsey: How can one go about defining the audience they are trying to reach with their book and then reaching them?
MJ: This is really complicated and part of the problem our industry is facing since publishers don’tdo much research and don’t know a lot about our users – in other words- readers. It’s not an industry that spends as much time innovating as it does producing and in this overcrowded marketplace, that’s a problem for everyone, including every one of us.
I think if you are a writer you need to read a lot - both in your category and out of it and evaluate your work in light of what you read.That will help you get a sense of how to identify your own work.
Then your main goal should to identify the niche markets your book can reach, find them, and then connect to them, get to know them and help them to get to know you.
You can sell a lot of books by starting with identifiable groups and working outwards.
It doesn't help to say my book is for all readers everywhere. There's no way to reach them with a limited budget. But if you can say my book is for women who love mysteries and like to knit ... then we're getting somewhere. Or my book is for athletic men who like to scuba dive.
Knowing the niches you can start searching out listservs, blogs, sites, newspapers, magazines, venues where your target audience lives.
Linsey: How does Author Buzz--your marketing service--help simplify this process?
MJ: It's enormously time intensive to market your own book. It can take months and months of work. I found that I was teaching authors how to do it in my online class only to discover they'd come up with great ideas of how to market their books but when it came time to do the work, they didn't want to execute their plans.
And rightly so, we're writers. We want to write the next book! If we wanted to be marketers we'd be in advertising. (I know since I left advertising to be a novelist only to discover I had to stay in advertising to stay alive as a writer.)
I saw so much of this problem, and lived it myself, that I though up the idea of a one stop marketing solution for authors. Buy the program and reach readers and leaders of 7500 bookclubs, over 350,000 readers, 10,000 librarians and 3000 booksellers. Add another one of the programs and do a book blog tour or run ads on the top 1o blogs that cater to your audience.
It's four hours at the most of the author's time instead of four moths. So we can do what we wanted to do all along - write. Linsey: For your book, The Reincarnationist, you used a focus group of booksellers. Why? What information did that group provide and would you do it in the future?
MJ: Back when I was in advertising I did a lot of focus groups and found that if used correctly the information was invaluable.
Objectivity is hard to come by for authors, editors, agents. Yes, there's expertise and it counts for a lot, but my agent and editor and I had all read my book three or four times each and I wanted to know what booksellers were going to say. What the overall impression of the book was going to be. I wanted to know early on, if the book met the goals I set for it.
I didn't do formal focus groups-though I would have loved to - the cost would have been prohibitive. But I did manage to get enough booksellers to read the book that I was able to get an early read on the manuscript that did provide the information I was hoping it would.
Not only would I do it again, I'd do it bigger.
I don't why people in our industry are so afraid of the words marketing or focus groups or research.
I wouldn't ask a group to tell me how to end a book or to judge a concept before it was written, but to take a finished book or a finished cover to a group of readers and/or booksellers and find out it the book meets your expectations -- why not? After all, you don't have to listen to what the group says.
Linsey: And since this is a bookselling blog, what thriller novels should readers check out right now?
Thank you so much, MJ, for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.
For your enjoyment--and because I'm strangely addicted to book trailers--here's the festival trailer for Thrillerfest. If you have any questions for MJ that you would like for me to follow up with her, please leave them in the comments section below or email them to me at the Bookseller Chick email address in the side bar.
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