You’ve lined up a first date with the girl of your dreams. But where do you take her—the movies, a cafe, a restaurant? Bo-ring. Here are some first-date ideas that will leave your lucky lady clamoring for more.
Take Her to a Strip Club
For some reason, many overlook this obvious first-date destination. Strip clubs offer great chicken wings, spirited performers, and so much ambiance it’ll probably make you and your little lady both shit your pants, or at least want to. Actually, it might be the chicken wings that make you want to shit your pants, but you’ll both be having such a good time it won’t even matter.
Going to a strip club is a good opportunity for you to show your date how you interact with women. So be friendly with the strippers. Slap them kindly on the ass as they bring your drinks, slide dollar bills cordially into their underwear as they thrust their privates into your date’s face, and make sure to ask them about politics. In my experience, strippers always have the most fascinating political views. I met this one dancer, for instance, who was absolutely convinced that Millard Fillmore was just Abraham Lincoln’s nickname for Ronald Reagan. And now I’m convinced of the same thing, even if the chronology doesn’t exactly line up.
And for Christ’s sake, don’t be stingy. Get the girl a lap dance. She’ll probably play shy and tell you she doesn’t want one, she may even threaten to leave if you get her one, but don’t listen to her—in her heart of hearts, she wants nothing more than to be sat on by a dirty stripper. All women do. It’s in their DNA.
Invite Her to the Dollar Store
A wide variety of products, great value, friendly staff—what’s not to love about the dollar store?
Give your date anywhere between five and eight dollars when she gets there and tell her to buy anything she wants, as long as she brings back a few dollars in change. If you give her four dollars, she will walk away, and if you give her nine dollars, she will walk away. I don’t know why that’s the way it is, but that’s the way it is.
While she’s shopping, you should wait outside the store and have a cigarette or two, even if you don’t smoke. This will give her the privacy she needs to pick out what she really wants and will give you a chance to suck on some smooth Camel Lights.
When she comes out of the store, it’s time to examine her purchases. These will tell you everything you need to know about the girl who bought them and a surprising amount about the future of your relationship.
If she buys between five and eight dollars worth of condoms, then she wants to have sex with you, or someone else. And call me old-fashioned, but a girl who trusts dollar-store condoms is okay in my book.
If she buys any type of meat product—beef patties, hot dogs, dollar sirloins, even dog food—then break things off right then and there. She’s a closeted lesbian.
If she buys any cat toys, she is also a closeted lesbian, but you should stay with her, because she will have a hilarious sense of humor. After a few awkward dates you will settle into a comfortable routine in which you watch reruns of Roseanne together every Friday night and then retire to the bedroom, where you each masturbate in your own corner of the bed while repeating the other’s name aloud to the beat of a John Philip Sousa march. Eventually this will become like sex for you, and all other forms of erotic activity will seem foreign and unattractive. Suddenly she will leave you to join the Marines, and you will be all alone in the world, looking hopelessly for another girl who loves Roseanne and mutual masturbation as much as you do.
If she buys any sort of topical cream, then you two will end up getting married. Not because you love each other—no, you will really dislike this one—but because you’ll get her pregnant and she’ll oversleep on the day she was supposed to go the abortion clinic. Or at least that’ll be her excuse. She will drink during her pregnancy and your child will suffer several birth defects, including really large nipples and an inability to do complex calculus.
If she buys you a gift with the money, I advise you to throw it in her face. She’s trying too hard to impress you, and no one likes a brown-noser.
Invite Her to Your Place of Work During Your Shift
This way, she can see you in action. “What a hard-working guy,” she’ll think to herself. “I really ought to fuck him.”
Tell her to bring a Gameboy or Sudoku or something, though, because these dates can really drag on, often as long as eight to ten hours. I remember one time I had this date with a girl at the manure plant where I was working, and my shift must have been fourteen hours long. Well, long story short, I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I completely forgot I was on a date and just went home without telling the girl. The next Monday, they found her cold, lifeless body at the bottom of a giant manure pile. Cause of death: heartbreak. Or at least that’s what I think. They found a bunch of drugs in her system, too, though, so that could’ve been a factor.
So don’t settle for the conventional first-date spots. Because girls don’t want to eat a nice meal, or have an interesting conversation over coffee, or see a hilarious movie. Girls want to be shocked, and disappointed, and sat on by dirty strippers. As I said before, it’s in their DNA. And you can’t argue with science!
You’ve lined up a first date with the girl of your dreams. But where do you take her—the movies, a cafe, a restaurant? Bo-ring. Here are some first-date ideas that will leave your lucky lady clamoring for more.
Take Her to a Strip Club
For some reason, many overlook this obvious first-date destination. Strip clubs offer great chicken wings, spirited performers, and so much ambiance it’ll probably make you and your little lady both shit your pants, or at least want to. Actually, it might be the chicken wings that make you want to shit your pants, but you’ll both be having such a good time it won’t even matter.
Going to a strip club is a good opportunity for you to show your date how you interact with women. So be friendly with the strippers. Slap them kindly on the ass as they bring your drinks, slide dollar bills cordially into their underwear as they thrust their privates into your date’s face, and make sure to ask them about politics. In my experience, strippers always have the most fascinating political views. I met this one dancer, for instance, who was absolutely convinced that Millard Fillmore was just Abraham Lincoln’s nickname for Ronald Reagan. And now I’m convinced of the same thing, even if the chronology doesn’t exactly line up.
And for Christ’s sake, don’t be stingy. Get the girl a lap dance. She’ll probably play shy and tell you she doesn’t want one, she may even threaten to leave if you get her one, but don’t listen to her—in her heart of hearts, she wants nothing more than to be sat on by a dirty stripper. All women do. It’s in their DNA.
Invite Her to the Dollar Store
A wide variety of products, great value, friendly staff—what’s not to love about the dollar store?
Give your date anywhere between five and eight dollars when she gets there and tell her to buy anything she wants, as long as she brings back a few dollars in change. If you give her four dollars, she will walk away, and if you give her nine dollars, she will walk away. I don’t know why that’s the way it is, but that’s the way it is.
While she’s shopping, you should wait outside the store and have a cigarette or two, even if you don’t smoke. This will give her the privacy she needs to pick out what she really wants and will give you a chance to suck on some smooth Camel Lights.
When she comes out of the store, it’s time to examine her purchases. These will tell you everything you need to know about the girl who bought them and a surprising amount about the future of your relationship.
If she buys between five and eight dollars worth of condoms, then she wants to have sex with you, or someone else. And call me old-fashioned, but a girl who trusts dollar-store condoms is okay in my book.
If she buys any type of meat product—beef patties, hot dogs, dollar sirloins, even dog food—then break things off right then and there. She’s a closeted lesbian.
If she buys any cat toys, she is also a closeted lesbian, but you should stay with her, because she will have a hilarious sense of humor. After a few awkward dates you will settle into a comfortable routine in which you watch reruns of Roseanne together every Friday night and then retire to the bedroom, where you each masturbate in your own corner of the bed while repeating the other’s name aloud to the beat of a John Philip Sousa march. Eventually this will become like sex for you, and all other forms of erotic activity will seem foreign and unattractive. Suddenly she will leave you to join the Marines, and you will be all alone in the world, looking hopelessly for another girl who loves Roseanne and mutual masturbation as much as you do.
If she buys any sort of topical cream, then you two will end up getting married. Not because you love each other—no, you will really dislike this one—but because you’ll get her pregnant and she’ll oversleep on the day she was supposed to go the abortion clinic. Or at least that’ll be her excuse. She will drink during her pregnancy and your child will suffer several birth defects, including really large nipples and an inability to do complex calculus.
If she buys you a gift with the money, I advise you to throw it in her face. She’s trying too hard to impress you, and no one likes a brown-noser.
Invite Her to Your Place of Work During Your Shift
This way, she can see you in action. “What a hard-working guy,” she’ll think to herself. “I really ought to fuck him.”
Tell her to bring a Gameboy or Sudoku or something, though, because these dates can really drag on, often as long as eight to ten hours. I remember one time I had this date with a girl at the manure plant where I was working, and my shift must have been fourteen hours long. Well, long story short, I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I completely forgot I was on a date and just went home without telling the girl. The next Monday, they found her cold, lifeless body at the bottom of a giant manure pile. Cause of death: heartbreak. Or at least that’s what I think. They found a bunch of drugs in her system, too, though, so that could’ve been a factor.
So don’t settle for the conventional first-date spots. Because girls don’t want to eat a nice meal, or have an interesting conversation over coffee, or see a hilarious movie. Girls want to be shocked, and disappointed, and sat on by dirty strippers. As I said before, it’s in their DNA. And you can’t argue with science!
