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Rachel Hawkins is a long-time favorite of mine. Her books feel so funny and fresh, and her current Rebel Belle series features a girl who suddenly discovers supernatural powers that allow her to be a kickass guardian–but who was also raised to be a genteel southern belle. To complicate things further, the person she’s supposed to protect is her cute nemesis-turned-boyfriend David, who’s gone on the run and won’t let her protect him. What’s a girl to do? And will the aunts pack enough cookies for her road trip to find him? To celebrate the release of the last book of the series, we’re pleased to welcome Rachel Hawkins to blog today as part of the Lady Renegades tour! She’s here to talk about humor in young adult books, which came about in a roundabout way from a tweet from Rachel that sparked a conversation about why funny YA can... Read more »

The post Lady Renegades Blog Tour: Rachel Hawkins on Funny YA appeared first on The Midnight Garden.

One of my favorite people on the planet is Heidi Shulz. She’s the author of the delightfully funny book Hook’s Revenge, which was one of my favorite debuts from last year–and now its sequel The Pirate Code is out! Heidi was actually in Los Angeles last month, and I got to celebrate the book’s release day with her. In the first photo, we’d just eaten mountains of pasta in Venice Beach, and Heidi is beaming over a plate of cannoli. <3 Here’s more about the new book: Fresh off a fearsome encounter with the Neverland crocodile, Jocelyn Hook decides the most practical plan is to hunt down her father’s famous fortune. After all, she’ll need the gold to fund her adventuring in the future. (And luckily, Hook left her the map.) But the map proves to be a bit harder to crack than Jocelyn had hoped, and she’s convinced that... Read more »

The post Hook’s Revenge, The Pirate Code: guest post! appeared first on The Midnight Garden.

Yak and Gnu

Written by Juliette MacIver
Illustrated by Cat Chapman
Candlewick Press      6/09/2015
978-0-7636-7561-5
32 pages       Age 4—8

“Yak and Gnu are friends dear and true. Yak has a kayak, Gnu a canoe. Down the river they go, singing:

“No one else
But you and me
Can float a boat
Or sail the sea.”

But wait! What’s that? A goat in a boat, a calf on a raft, and a whole flotilla of gorillas! Now their song is all wrong. With so many other friends afloat, can Yak and Gnu still sing their sea song for two?” [inside jacket]

Review
Best friends Yak and Gnu love to sail the seas. Yak rows a black kayak, while Gnu rows a blue canoe. Together, they row and sing their favorite song. But then, much to Yak and Gnu’s surprise, a goat in a boat yells hello. Yak and Gnu are no longer the only two who sail the seas. The happy-go-lucky pair of friends—best of friends—recover nicely, rationalizing that with the goat in a boat, Yak in his kayak, and Gnu in her canoe, there are only three who can sail the seas. They adjust their song:

“Yippee-ai, Yak!
Who-hoo, Gnu!
There’s nobody else
Like me and you.
(Well, only goat.)”

But then, there on a raft is a laughing calf and in that sail boat is a snail. What is going on? Yak and Gnu find more and more animals who can sail the seas, be it in a sailboat, a raft, an outrigger, cruiser, kayak, or canoe. Each new discovery causes Yak and Gnu to reevaluate and adjust their song. Finally, with the seas afloat with dozens and dozens of sea-worthy animals and their vessels, Yak and Gnu must come to terms with the fact that they are not the only ones who can sail the seas. But what about their wonderful song? What happens to that? You must read Yak and Gnu to find out.

Yak and Gnu is hilarious. Young children will love all the animals and the way each sails the seas. Along with Yak and Gnu, children can count the number of animals, helping Yak and Gnu adjust their song. The repetitive song will also help young children as they begin to read and phonetically sound out words. Soon, kids will be singing the song, without the book. More likely, kids will be asking for Yak and Gnu at bedtime, story-time, and most every-time it is time to read. The illustrations are beautifully rendered in watercolor and ink. The rhyming text has that sing-song quality that makes reading a picture book a joy. Yak and Gnu was authored by Juliette MacIver who loves to make young children laugh. Her previous book is entitled, The Frog Who Lost His Underpants (also illustrated by Cat Chapman). That title makes me want to read the book. Yak and Gnu is no different. This hilarious tale celebrates the simple friendships of childhood and the joy of laughter.
.

YAK AND GNU. Text copyright © 2015 by Juliette MacIver. Illustrations copyright © 2015 by Cat Chapman. Reproduced by permission of the publisher, Candlewick Press, Somerville, MA on behalf of Walker Books, Australia.

Purchase Yak and Gnu at Amazon—Book Depository—Walker Books—Candlewick Press.

Learn more about Yak and Gnu HERE.
Classroom Ideas can be found HERE.

Meet the author, Juliette MacIver, at her website:  http://www.juliettemaciverauthor.com/
Meet the illustrator, Cat Chapman, at her website:  http://catchapman.tumblr.com/
Find more picture books at the Candlewick Press website:  http://www.candlewick.com/

Copyright © 2015 by Sue Morris/Kid Lit Reviews. All Rights Reserved

Full Disclosure: Sam & Dave Dig a Hole, by Juliette MacIver & Cat Chapman, and received from Candlewick Press and Walker Books, Australia, is in exchange NOT for a positive review, but for an HONEST review. The opinions expressed are my own and no one else’s. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

For some reason, girls tend to gravitate toward guys who are really screwed up. Artists, musicians, carnival workers—they all get so much sex it’d make you sick.   

So if you’re just a nice, normal guy, you’re probably not having too much luck. Which doesn’t seem fair, really. I mean, you have just as much shame as anyone else, and you must have even more crippling sexual fears than the troubled performance artist who sleeps with women every twenty minutes.

The difference between your problems and those of the performance artist—whose contribution to the art world is covering himself with cow dung and singing Diana Ross covers in half time—is thus not one of degree, but one of visibility. His issues are simply more theatrical, more public, more compelling—some might argue—than yours.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t whip up some crazy habits that girls will (mis)interpret as the crying out of a tortured soul. Because believe me, I know you’re already complex and troubled, far more than you’d like to be, but with my help, you can make yourself seem as complex and troubled as the pussy-rich performance artist. And how girls see you is much more important than how you actually are.

Here are some can’t-miss ways to make yourself seem dark and mysterious:

Develop a serious drug addiction.

This will definitely trick girls into thinking you’re troubled. When they find you passed out beside a dirty syringe in the parking lot behind Linens ‘n Things, they’ll think, “My word, what a poor, haunted creature! So complex, so troubled! I must have him, sexually.” Little do they know, it’s all an act. Which isn’t to say that you won’t actually be killing yourself slowly with this drug, because you most certainly will.

Now when it comes time to kick the addiction, you may run into some problems, I’m not gonna lie. You might find it a little challenging to stop doing crack, or whatever else it is you’re doing. But just remember, you’re not actually addicted to the drug—no, drug addiction is a myth propagated by the US government to keep Zionist organizations from interfering with internecine conflict in burgeoning Latin-American communities—you’re just addicted to all the hot sex the drug is getting you.     

Splotch your clothes with paint.

Because all painters are tortured. Except housepainters, maybe.

This easy cosmetic change will make girls think you’re a haunted genius who works himself into such a frenzy in the artistic moment that he completely abandons all considerations of cleanliness and order. “When he gets that brush going,” they’ll say to themselves, “he must just totally lose himself, immerse himself in the dark chaos that surges within. I want that dark chaos in me, and I want it now!” To them, your calculatedly applied paint splotches will seem like the scars of a wild emotional battle you’ve been fighting all alone ever since you came into this God-forsaken world.

If a girl takes the bait and starts sleeping with you, however, she’s eventually going to want to see your paintings. You can hold her off for a little while by saying things like, “No, baby, they’re too dark, and I don’t want to scare you.” But sooner or later, she’s going to wonder where the hell all your paint splotches are really coming from. And that’s when you should tell her the painful truth—that is, the not-painful fake-truth—that you’ve burned all your paintings. “I find it extremely cathartic,” tell her. She probably won’t buy this, but who cares. You’ve already slept with her.

Laugh and cry at inappropriate times.

This is an easy one.

Just laugh at sad things and bawl at funny things. Women will think your emotional wiring is all messed up. They’ll see you as a broken creature, a poor soul for whom laughter and tears have become perversely commingled ever since you saw dad slap mom while you were watching Blazing Saddles.

She’ll spend a month or two trying to restore your psyche to its original harmony through blistering, inventive lovemaking. When she becomes tired of seeing you sob at dinner parties when someone makes a joke, or when she realizes it’s all a pitiful act, she’ll leave you forever and find her next man to save.

Lash out unexpectedly.

For example, when a girl says something innocuous to you, like, “Hey, what’s up?”—and it could be many months before a girl speaks to you, I know—respond, “Nothing! Nothing is up! Why does everyone always think something is up with me! God, I just want to be normal! I just want to… feel something, anything, again. So to answer your question, you heartless bitch”—and this is when you should really turn on the waterworks—“everything is up. Every goddamn thing in this miserable world!”

She will think she’s stumbled upon a beautiful spirit it is her duty to liberate from his prison of anger and paranoia. You will become her little pet project, her crusade, her cherished secret. And she will have lots of sex with you, too, more to heal you than to get pleasure for herself. Which is good, because she will get very little pleasure from your sex.

Pretend you hear voices that tell you to do bad things.

Adopt this rather extreme measure only if the others prove ineffectual. Because once you exhibit signs of schizophrenia, a girl may choose to forego having sex with you and instead have you committed. And once you’re in an institution, it can be very tricky to get out.

But if you’re convinced nothing else will work, then here’s how you should proceed. Sidle up to a girl on a bus or a subway—somewhere she won’t be able to make a quick instinctive exit before considering how disturbed and fascinating you are—and say something like, “No, Dennis Rodman!”—I usually pretend I hear Dennis Rodman’s voice in my head—“I will not touch that woman’s breast! Dennis, shut up! Shut up, Dennis! I don’t care how many rebounds you got, I’m not gonna do it! I’ll never be like you, Dennis, I’ll never let you win!” At this point you should touch the woman’s breast, to demonstrate that Dennis has indeed taken over.

And after the woman overcomes her initial disgust, which could take as long as three or four minutes, she’ll take pity on you. She’ll see you as a heartbreaking man who’s become a pawn within his own body. She’ll ask if you and Dennis would like to come back to her apartment, where she will offer to have sex with you as a form of therapy, or perhaps exorcism. “Who’s in control now?” she’ll ask you mid-coitus. “I think I am, but Dennis is menacing,” you’ll tell her, very nearly saying the words Dennis the Menace. “Oh no, he’s taking over!” you’ll say as you’re about to climax. “Get out! Get the hell out of my head, Dennis Rodman!” And she’ll be so horrified by seeing you fake-battle with your—truly—imaginary nemesis she won’t even notice that the sex only lasted forty-five seconds.  

And don’t worry, you have no reason to feel guilty for tricking girls into thinking there’s something deeply wrong with you. Because really, you’ve been as messed up as the lady-killer performance artist all along—you just weren’t getting any credit for it.

For some reason, girls tend to gravitate toward guys who are really screwed up. Artists, musicians, carnival workers—they all get so much sex it’d make you sick.   

So if you’re just a nice, normal guy, you’re probably not having too much luck. Which doesn’t seem fair, really. I mean, you have just as much shame as anyone else, and you must have even more crippling sexual fears than the troubled performance artist who sleeps with women every twenty minutes.

The difference between your problems and those of the performance artist—whose contribution to the art world is covering himself with cow dung and singing Diana Ross covers in half time—is thus not one of degree, but one of visibility. His issues are simply more theatrical, more public, more compelling—some might argue—than yours.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t whip up some crazy habits that girls will (mis)interpret as the crying out of a tortured soul. Because believe me, I know you’re already complex and troubled, far more than you’d like to be, but with my help, you can make yourself seem as complex and troubled as the pussy-rich performance artist. And how girls see you is much more important than how you actually are.

Here are some can’t-miss ways to make yourself seem dark and mysterious:

Develop a serious drug addiction.

This will definitely trick girls into thinking you’re troubled. When they find you passed out beside a dirty syringe in the parking lot behind Linens ‘n Things, they’ll think, “My word, what a poor, haunted creature! So complex, so troubled! I must have him, sexually.” Little do they know, it’s all an act. Which isn’t to say that you won’t actually be killing yourself slowly with this drug, because you most certainly will.

Now when it comes time to kick the addiction, you may run into some problems, I’m not gonna lie. You might find it a little challenging to stop doing crack, or whatever else it is you’re doing. But just remember, you’re not actually addicted to the drug—no, drug addiction is a myth propagated by the US government to keep Zionist organizations from interfering with internecine conflict in burgeoning Latin-American communities—you’re just addicted to all the hot sex the drug is getting you.     

Splotch your clothes with paint.

Because all painters are tortured. Except housepainters, maybe.

This easy cosmetic change will make girls think you’re a haunted genius who works himself into such a frenzy in the artistic moment that he completely abandons all considerations of cleanliness and order. “When he gets that brush going,” they’ll say to themselves, “he must just totally lose himself, immerse himself in the dark chaos that surges within. I want that dark chaos in me, and I want it now!” To them, your calculatedly applied paint splotches will seem like the scars of a wild emotional battle you’ve been fighting all alone ever since you came into this God-forsaken world.

If a girl takes the bait and starts sleeping with you, however, she’s eventually going to want to see your paintings. You can hold her off for a little while by saying things like, “No, baby, they’re too dark, and I don’t want to scare you.” But sooner or later, she’s going to wonder where the hell all your paint splotches are really coming from. And that’s when you should tell her the painful truth—that is, the not-painful fake-truth—that you’ve burned all your paintings. “I find it extremely cathartic,” tell her. She probably won’t buy this, but who cares. You’ve already slept with her.

Laugh and cry at inappropriate times.

This is an easy one.

Just laugh at sad things and bawl at funny things. Women will think your emotional wiring is all messed up. They’ll see you as a broken creature, a poor soul for whom laughter and tears have become perversely commingled ever since you saw dad slap mom while you were watching Blazing Saddles.

She’ll spend a month or two trying to restore your psyche to its original harmony through blistering, inventive lovemaking. When she becomes tired of seeing you sob at dinner parties when someone makes a joke, or when she realizes it’s all a pitiful act, she’ll leave you forever and find her next man to save.

Lash out unexpectedly.

For example, when a girl says something innocuous to you, like, “Hey, what’s up?”—and it could be many months before a girl speaks to you, I know—respond, “Nothing! Nothing is up! Why does everyone always think something is up with me! God, I just want to be normal! I just want to… feel something, anything, again. So to answer your question, you heartless bitch”—and this is when you should really turn on the waterworks—“everything is up. Every goddamn thing in this miserable world!”

She will think she’s stumbled upon a beautiful spirit it is her duty to liberate from his prison of anger and paranoia. You will become her little pet project, her crusade, her cherished secret. And she will have lots of sex with you, too, more to heal you than to get pleasure for herself. Which is good, because she will get very little pleasure from your sex.

Pretend you hear voices that tell you to do bad things.

Adopt this rather extreme measure only if the others prove ineffectual. Because once you exhibit signs of schizophrenia, a girl may choose to forego having sex with you and instead have you committed. And once you’re in an institution, it can be very tricky to get out.

But if you’re convinced nothing else will work, then here’s how you should proceed. Sidle up to a girl on a bus or a subway—somewhere she won’t be able to make a quick instinctive exit before considering how disturbed and fascinating you are—and say something like, “No, Dennis Rodman!”—I usually pretend I hear Dennis Rodman’s voice in my head—“I will not touch that woman’s breast! Dennis, shut up! Shut up, Dennis! I don’t care how many rebounds you got, I’m not gonna do it! I’ll never be like you, Dennis, I’ll never let you win!” At this point you should touch the woman’s breast, to demonstrate that Dennis has indeed taken over.

And after the woman overcomes her initial disgust, which could take as long as three or four minutes, she’ll take pity on you. She’ll see you as a heartbreaking man who’s become a pawn within his own body. She’ll ask if you and Dennis would like to come back to her apartment, where she will offer to have sex with you as a form of therapy, or perhaps exorcism. “Who’s in control now?” she’ll ask you mid-coitus. “I think I am, but Dennis is menacing,” you’ll tell her, very nearly saying the words Dennis the Menace. “Oh no, he’s taking over!” you’ll say as you’re about to climax. “Get out! Get the hell out of my head, Dennis Rodman!” And she’ll be so horrified by seeing you fake-battle with your—truly—imaginary nemesis she won’t even notice that the sex only lasted forty-five seconds.  

And don’t worry, you have no reason to feel guilty for tricking girls into thinking there’s something deeply wrong with you. Because really, you’ve been as messed up as the lady-killer performance artist all along—you just weren’t getting any credit for it.

Author: Thad Krasnesky (on JOMB)
Illustrator: David Parkins (on JOMB)
Published: 2009 Flashlight Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 9780979974649

Cute only gets you so far in the real world. Capturing the glee of victory and the sting of defeat, this hilariously illustrated rhyming book lets us laugh at our own (and our little sibling’s) attempts to prove otherwise.

Mentioned in this episode:

• Dusan Petricic
• David Roberts

Pop over to The Boy Reader for today’s full menu of poetry offerings. Poetry Fridays are brought to us by Kelly Herold of Big A, Little A.

HOTLINE VOICES: Cathy Miller, “The Literacy Ambassador”, alerts us about Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes (by Mem Fox and Helen Oxenbury).

We’d love to hear your thoughts on a favourite children’s book. Leave a voice message on our JOMB listener hotline, +1-206-350-6487, so we can include your audio in our show.

*Senior pranks can be cause for trouble within the school or law.  Make sure the prank is appropriate and doesn’t harm any person, property, or animal.  I am not held responsible for any of the punishment, damage, or any other causes of these pranks.  Trespassing, vandalism, or any other crime is not acceptable in the process of carrying out a prank.

Fulfilling the Prank

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A great idea for a senior prank is to fill an office, classroom, gym, or car full of balloons, popcorn, packing peanuts, or any other item that consumes up space.  This is a hilarious prank that is pretty harmless. 

Dixie Cups

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This classic prank will also create problems within the school.  Buy 700-1000 Dixie cups or how many you find appropriate.  Fill them up with a little bit of water, but not to much.  And place them all next to each other but very close so that you cannot step between the cups without knocking them down.  Make sure you start on the opposite side of the room and make your way backwards toward the exit!

Bouncy Halls?

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Order and Buy thousands of bouncy balls, most likely online.  Get a good group of friends and distribute them amongst each other.  Plan out a certain time in the day where everyone is spread out throughout the school and then just make it rain bouncy balls!  This prank would definitely cause chaos and confusion, but would be hilarious. 

Saran Wrap

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An easy prank would be to saran wrap other student’s cars.  Juniors would be the primary target seeing they are the other grade that can drive.  Faculty may be a risky idea, but they would be an option.  This may be one of the more expensive pranks, but it deserves to be on the list.

Forking

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Forking the school yard would be another senior prank.  Students would go to a store and buy hundreds of forks, and during the middle of the night they would stick them into the school’s courtyard, lobby, or football field.  This prank would be a risky one seeing that it could be considered vandalism.  A vulgar message may cross the line. 

Just Classic

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This classic prank is known all over.  I don’t think I need to explain, but I will.  Buy a bunch of toilet paper rolls and just go crazy.  You can never buy too much toilet paper.  Throw them all over the school’s building, trees, and anything else that works.

Camping Out

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This prank involves getting as many seniors as possible and camping out for a night in the parking lot or any other good area.  This would be a fun prank that seems pretty harmless if everything goes right.  Grilling out, chilling, and playing some sports would make this a fun night.

School for Sale?

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This prank involves putting as many for sale signs as possible in the front lawn of your school.  This would be a pretty humorous prank not to mention harmless.  Another option is to put a real estate ad in the local newspaper. 

Vaseline Doors

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For this prank you need to get a group of seniors, and while class is in session this group needs to run around with numerous jars of Vaseline and rub it all over door handles and lockers.  This will definitely cause students to be mad and will leave a mark in your school’s history.

Better Post-It Note It

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This final prank is pretty self-explanatory.  You need to get a whole group of seniors and buy a bunch of post-it note packages.  Then during school sometime or after when no one is in the hallways cover everything with post-it notes.  Completely yellow-out the school hallway and it will look flawless.

Sure, your girlfriend seems to like you—she constantly tells you she loves you, she spoils you with sex, she bought you a hi-def plasma TV for Easter. But how can you know how she really feels? How can you be sure it’s not all an elaborate act? She could very well just be using you—for your mediocre sexual ability, for the 400 dollars in your checking account, for your extensive collection of rare pornography. Here are some simple ways to smell out a rat.

1. Lie About an Illness
   

   Tell your girlfriend you have some rare disease that will leave you a mere shadow of the man she claims to have fallen for. For example, tell her your penis has become badly infected and the doctors say your only chance of survival is to have the whole deal chopped off. “I’m afraid it may affect our sex life,” tell her. How she reacts to this news will indicate her true feelings for you.

   If she laughs derisively at you, then she may not really be the girl of your dreams after all. If she packs a bag and says she’s going to the store to get some soy milk, I’m afraid you’ll never see her again. She’ll probably just leave the soy milk quietly on your doorstep and skip town forever. If she gives a big sigh of relief when you tell her, it means she’s glad that she’ll no longer have to endure your clueless sexual groping.  

   If, on the other hand, she tells you it’s okay, she’ll stay with you, it’s no big deal, she loves you with penis or without, then you should still dump her immediately. A girl who sees the loss of her boyfriend’s penis as only a minor inconvenience probably wasn’t too crazy about having sex with him in the first place. And that won’t do. Your girlfriend should love having sex with you, no matter how miserable an experience it might be for her.  

   What you want is for your girlfriend to be totally devastated when she hears that a bunch of doctors want to cut off your manhood. If she really does like you, she’ll say something like, “No! Anything but that! Let them take your brain, your heart, your legs—anything in the world but that wonderful dick!”

   And think how happy she’ll be when you tell her your penis isn’t infected after all. She’ll be like a little girl in a candy store, who learns that her future boyfriend isn’t going to have his penis cut off after all. You may even choose to break the news to her in a candy store. But that is a private matter I will leave up to you.

2. Fake Your Own Death and Observe Your Girlfriend’s Behavior

   Doing this is easier than one might imagine. Just toss some of your personal effects into a nearby creek or estuary—a pair of monogrammed underwear, a wallet full of old identification—and wait for the local media to pronounce you dead. Should take no longer than six months, at the very most.

   Pay close attention to how your girlfriend gets on without you. Does she mope listlessly around the house, or does she throw wild pagan parties that celebrate your death? Does she make a bedroom shrine of your old belongings before which she cries and masturbates every night? Or does she sell them on eBay and use the money to buy dope from her new dealer boyfriend?

   You might also want to set up an empty-casket funeral service just so you can see what kind of eulogy your girlfriend would give you. If she describes you as a “simple man,” or a “kind soul,” then sorry, pal, she never really liked you. If she remembers you as a “bedroom virtuoso” or a “haunted genius who also knew his way around a vagina,” then you’re in luck. She was crazy about you.

   But either way, you should emerge from the back of the funeral hall dramatically at the end of her speech, to the astonishment of all present. “He lives! The dead boy lives!” an old woman will proclaim, just before swooning. This will give you the perfect opportunity to cut your girlfriend’s ass if her eulogy was no good, or propose to her if it expressed a sufficient amount of horny longing. I can’t tell you how many guys in my family have proposed to their girlfriends at their own fake funerals. It’s really a beautiful thing to see.

3. Tell Her You Cheated On Her
   

   This is another easy way to get a read on your girlfriend’s true feelings.

   If she says it’s too painful to imagine you being with another woman and she can’t stay with you, then congratulations—the girl really loves you. If she says it’s okay, she forgives you, and stays around, then you might as well get rid of her. She doesn’t care about you enough to want you all to herself. If she finds the news so devastating that she takes her own life, then, my friend, you have found your soulmate, the girl for whom life is meaningless without you. Too bad she’s gone forever.

4. Tempt Her With Other Men
   

   This admittedly unscrupulous tactic is a quick way to test your girlfriend’s fidelity. And a girl wouldn’t cheat on you if she really loved you.

   Send a male escort to her apartment and watch what happens from the shrubs outside. If there are no shrubs by your girlfriend’s apartment, then I don’t know what to tell you. You probably shouldn’t be dating her in the first place. I guess you could give her a big potted plant for her garden and then hide behind that. If she starts sleeping with the guy, then bang on the window and tell her it’s over. In my experience, you may have to yell really loudly in order to be heard over the wild sounds of their turbulent sex.

   I remember one time I sent an escort to a girlfriend’s house and got myself settled in the bushes outside. But before the escort gets there, a Domino’s pizza guy pulls up. He drops off the three pies—no wonder she was putting on so much weight—and then she takes him inside and starts having sex with him. I was too shocked even to interrupt them. And plus, I had already paid for the male escort, and I wasn’t gonna let all that money go to waste. After the Domino’s guy leaves, another car pulls up. Oh, I think to myself, this must be the escort. Wrong. It’s the milkman, evidently, or at least some guy in a uniform who brings my girlfriend a gallon of milk before he screws her brains out. Finally, after this second guy leaves, the escort shows up. But by now my girlfriend is too tired to entertain him, though I can tell she still wants to. So I wasted three hundred dollars on the escort after all. Moral of the story: be wary of delivery men.  

   If you’re not comfortable with the possibility of your girlfriend sleeping with another guy, then you could just disguise yourself as another guy and try to seduce her. The problem with this is that your girlfriend could just say she knew it was you all along. She was just joking when she moaned, “Oh, Rodrigo, Rodrigo, take me!” And also when she said, “God, you’re just as terrible in bed as my loser boyfriend.”

So if your girlfriend passes all these tests—if she resists professional sex workers, gives you a decent eulogy, falls apart when she hears that your penis is going to be chopped off, and is shattered by the false news of your infidelity—then there is indeed a chance that she likes you. Congratulations. But I still wouldn’t bank on it. Because let’s be honest, why in the world would any right-minded girl go for a guy like you?  

Sure, your girlfriend seems to like you—she constantly tells you she loves you, she spoils you with sex, she bought you a hi-def plasma TV for Easter. But how can you know how she really feels? How can you be sure it’s not all an elaborate act? She could very well just be using you—for your mediocre sexual ability, for the 400 dollars in your checking account, for your extensive collection of rare pornography. Here are some simple ways to smell out a rat.

1. Lie About an Illness
   

   Tell your girlfriend you have some rare disease that will leave you a mere shadow of the man she claims to have fallen for. For example, tell her your penis has become badly infected and the doctors say your only chance of survival is to have the whole deal chopped off. “I’m afraid it may affect our sex life,” tell her. How she reacts to this news will indicate her true feelings for you.

   If she laughs derisively at you, then she may not really be the girl of your dreams after all. If she packs a bag and says she’s going to the store to get some soy milk, I’m afraid you’ll never see her again. She’ll probably just leave the soy milk quietly on your doorstep and skip town forever. If she gives a big sigh of relief when you tell her, it means she’s glad that she’ll no longer have to endure your clueless sexual groping.  

   If, on the other hand, she tells you it’s okay, she’ll stay with you, it’s no big deal, she loves you with penis or without, then you should still dump her immediately. A girl who sees the loss of her boyfriend’s penis as only a minor inconvenience probably wasn’t too crazy about having sex with him in the first place. And that won’t do. Your girlfriend should love having sex with you, no matter how miserable an experience it might be for her.  

   What you want is for your girlfriend to be totally devastated when she hears that a bunch of doctors want to cut off your manhood. If she really does like you, she’ll say something like, “No! Anything but that! Let them take your brain, your heart, your legs—anything in the world but that wonderful dick!”

   And think how happy she’ll be when you tell her your penis isn’t infected after all. She’ll be like a little girl in a candy store, who learns that her future boyfriend isn’t going to have his penis cut off after all. You may even choose to break the news to her in a candy store. But that is a private matter I will leave up to you.

2. Fake Your Own Death and Observe Your Girlfriend’s Behavior

   Doing this is easier than one might imagine. Just toss some of your personal effects into a nearby creek or estuary—a pair of monogrammed underwear, a wallet full of old identification—and wait for the local media to pronounce you dead. Should take no longer than six months, at the very most.

   Pay close attention to how your girlfriend gets on without you. Does she mope listlessly around the house, or does she throw wild pagan parties that celebrate your death? Does she make a bedroom shrine of your old belongings before which she cries and masturbates every night? Or does she sell them on eBay and use the money to buy dope from her new dealer boyfriend?

   You might also want to set up an empty-casket funeral service just so you can see what kind of eulogy your girlfriend would give you. If she describes you as a “simple man,” or a “kind soul,” then sorry, pal, she never really liked you. If she remembers you as a “bedroom virtuoso” or a “haunted genius who also knew his way around a vagina,” then you’re in luck. She was crazy about you.

   But either way, you should emerge from the back of the funeral hall dramatically at the end of her speech, to the astonishment of all present. “He lives! The dead boy lives!” an old woman will proclaim, just before swooning. This will give you the perfect opportunity to cut your girlfriend’s ass if her eulogy was no good, or propose to her if it expressed a sufficient amount of horny longing. I can’t tell you how many guys in my family have proposed to their girlfriends at their own fake funerals. It’s really a beautiful thing to see.

3. Tell Her You Cheated On Her
   

   This is another easy way to get a read on your girlfriend’s true feelings.

   If she says it’s too painful to imagine you being with another woman and she can’t stay with you, then congratulations—the girl really loves you. If she says it’s okay, she forgives you, and stays around, then you might as well get rid of her. She doesn’t care about you enough to want you all to herself. If she finds the news so devastating that she takes her own life, then, my friend, you have found your soulmate, the girl for whom life is meaningless without you. Too bad she’s gone forever.

4. Tempt Her With Other Men
   

   This admittedly unscrupulous tactic is a quick way to test your girlfriend’s fidelity. And a girl wouldn’t cheat on you if she really loved you.

   Send a male escort to her apartment and watch what happens from the shrubs outside. If there are no shrubs by your girlfriend’s apartment, then I don’t know what to tell you. You probably shouldn’t be dating her in the first place. I guess you could give her a big potted plant for her garden and then hide behind that. If she starts sleeping with the guy, then bang on the window and tell her it’s over. In my experience, you may have to yell really loudly in order to be heard over the wild sounds of their turbulent sex.

   I remember one time I sent an escort to a girlfriend’s house and got myself settled in the bushes outside. But before the escort gets there, a Domino’s pizza guy pulls up. He drops off the three pies—no wonder she was putting on so much weight—and then she takes him inside and starts having sex with him. I was too shocked even to interrupt them. And plus, I had already paid for the male escort, and I wasn’t gonna let all that money go to waste. After the Domino’s guy leaves, another car pulls up. Oh, I think to myself, this must be the escort. Wrong. It’s the milkman, evidently, or at least some guy in a uniform who brings my girlfriend a gallon of milk before he screws her brains out. Finally, after this second guy leaves, the escort shows up. But by now my girlfriend is too tired to entertain him, though I can tell she still wants to. So I wasted three hundred dollars on the escort after all. Moral of the story: be wary of delivery men.  

   If you’re not comfortable with the possibility of your girlfriend sleeping with another guy, then you could just disguise yourself as another guy and try to seduce her. The problem with this is that your girlfriend could just say she knew it was you all along. She was just joking when she moaned, “Oh, Rodrigo, Rodrigo, take me!” And also when she said, “God, you’re just as terrible in bed as my loser boyfriend.”

So if your girlfriend passes all these tests—if she resists professional sex workers, gives you a decent eulogy, falls apart when she hears that your penis is going to be chopped off, and is shattered by the false news of your infidelity—then there is indeed a chance that she likes you. Congratulations. But I still wouldn’t bank on it. Because let’s be honest, why in the world would any right-minded girl go for a guy like you?  

You haven’t gotten any in a while, and you’re sick of it. Believe me, I’ve been there. I used to live there. Well, here are some can’t-miss techniques I’ve developed over the years that will help you end your hitless streak.

1. Hire a Prostitute

   Prostitutes get a bad rap in the United States, and so do the respectable gentlemen who take advantage of the wonderful services they have to offer. That’s why I think we should avoid the negative connotations of the word “prostitute” altogether and refer to such women instead as “sex friends.” And who wouldn’t want a sex friend?

   Sex friends are reliable, they’re affordable, and they’re the unparalleled experts in the art of loving. Each session with a sex friend is like taking a master class in fucking! And do you know how much a master class usually costs? Like several thousand dollars! So taking a lesson or ten from a sex friend is like a total bargain.

   And no matter how bad you are at sex, your sex friend will invariably have been with someone—probably hundreds of people—who was worse than you. So no more worrying, no more apologizing, no more shame! Well, less shame.

2. Become a Prostitute

   If hiring a prostitute doesn’t sound like your sort of thing, another option is to become a prostitute yourself.

   You make your own hours, you’re your own boss—except for your physically and emotionally abusive pimp—and you get to have sex with more people than Wilt Chamberlain. And you’ll probably get to have sex with Wilt Chamberlain, too, if you want to.

   Of course, being a sex friend is not the safest job in the world, and I should really make that clear. There are dangerous people out there who use sex friends as the helpless canvases upon which they paint their sordid, sometimes violent fantasies. But who wants a safe job when you can have tons of sex!

3. Get a Serious Girlfriend Who Loves You and is Willing to Have Sex With You

   This possibility is often overlooked. Because most guys don’t realize that girls love having sex with guys that they love.

   So find yourself a beautiful girl that is interested in you, devote a few years to a serious relationship, and then BAM! You’ll be getting laid before you know it.

   Hint: there’s no rule that says the beautiful girl who loves you can’t also be a sex friend.

4. Hang Out at Arby’s Around Closing

   For some reason, going to Arby’s at around 11 o’clock at night is an incredible way to meet women who will have sex with you.

   I think the women who eat there might have serious self-esteem issues. Come to think of it, I don’t feel so hot about myself after I polish off an after-hours roast beef combo, either. One seriously depressed girl who was there said she would kill herself if I didn’t take her home and fuck her. Halfway through the sex, she said she wished she had just killed herself. Now this was a little blow to my self-esteem, I admit. But nothing that another late-night trip to Arby’s couldn’t cure!

   My parents met at Arby’s, my grandparents met at Arby’s, and I plan to meet my wife at Arby’s. Every Sunday after church. I’ll meet her for the first time probably in a 7-11 or a Cumberland Farms. Those places are breeding grounds for babes!

5. Tell Girls You’re the Store Manager of an Office Depot

   Of all the guys I know, the one who got the most action was a store manager at an Office Depot. So telling girls you manage an Office Depot is another surefire way to get some.

   Of course, the guy I knew was also extremely suave, handsome, and built like you wouldn’t believe. And he dealt coke on the side. And most of the girls he had sex with were sex friends, now that I think about it.

   But it still can’t hurt your chances to say you’re a store manager at an Office Depot. Not that much, anyway.

So study these techniques, internalize them, make them your own. I can’t wait until you have sex because of things I wrote on an internet page!

Happy humping!

Author: Paul Fleischman (on JOMB)
Illustrator: David Roberts (on JOMB)
Published: 2009 Candlewick Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0763624985

Clean lines, comical details and snappy, generous first person narration sweep us into this suspenseful tale of strategy, solidarity and overlooked superpowers.

Other books mentioned:

• Iggy Peck, Architect
• The Mysterious Benedict Society
• Miss Nelson is Missing

More independent thinkers on JOMB:

• Willow
• Odd Velvet
• Suki’s Kimono
• Ruby’s Wish
• Getting to Know Ruben Plotnick
• Silly Tilly
• more here.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on a favourite children’s book. Leave a voice message on our JOMB listener hotline, +1-206-350-6487, so we can include your audio in our show.

Author: Laurie Keller (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Laurie Keller
Published: 2007 Henry Holt and Co. (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0805079963

Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Cluttered with comedy, melodrama and earthy, Looney-Toonesque artwork, this brilliant guide to social success is as hilarious as it is helpful.

(…er…actually….maybe more hilarious than helpful, as we now hear our girls screaming at each other “DO UNTO OTTERS, REMEMBER, DO UNTO OTTERS!!!!!”)

Other books mentioned:

• Lady Lupin’s Book of Etiquette

HOTLINE VOICES: Michelle Mitchell from Scribbit: Motherhood in Alaska shares her thoughts about The Little Golden Book Anthologies.

Author: Linda Ashman (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Paul Meisel (on JOMB)
Published: 2008 Sterling Publishing (on JOMB)
ISBN: 1402739877

Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Unabashed autobiographical poems and hilariously expressive illustrations provide the observations and opinions of a straight-shooting canine in this irresistible pooch-hood memoir.

Other books mentioned:

• Oh, Theodore! (Guinea Pig Poems)

More canine poetry on JOMB:

• Good Dog
• Biscuits in the Cupboard
• The Hound from the Pound
• Poodlena
• Safe and Sound

Pop over to author amok for today’s full menu of poetry offerings. Poetry Fridays are brought to us by Kelly Herold of Big A, Little A.

HOTLINE VOICES: Hugh Fraser of the Storynory podcast shares his thoughts on The Barefoot Book of Knights (by John Matthews and Giovanni Manna). Thanks, Hugh!

We’d love to hear your thoughts on a favourite children’s book. Leave us a voice message on our JOMB listener hotline, +1-206-350-6487.

Author: Sarah Ackerley (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Sarah Ackerley
Published: 2008 Blooming Tree Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 1933831073

Amazon.com

Quiet absurdity and understated text relay the hilarious tale of a unique young penguin who swaps stigma for stupendous in this inspiring invitation to embrace our traits.

Podcasts mentioned:

• LD Podcast
• Stuttering is Cool

Author: Peggy Rathmann
Illustrator: Peggy Rathmann
Published: 1991 Scholastic (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0590474235

Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Spare, natural dialogue, carefully chosen details and keenly expressive illustrations keep us alternately giggling and cringing at the delicate shifts of sentiment from uncertainty and admiration through flattery, imitation, loss of self and then frustration in this celebration of selfhood found.

Other books mentioned:

• Suki’s Kimono

Author: Daniel Manus Pinkwater (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Jill Pinkwater (on JOMB)
Published: 2007 Marshall Cavendish (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0761453148

Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Grease your muffin tins and defrost your blueberries, it’s time for another adventure in friendship and frivolity as two thrillingly familiar polar bears let the good times roll at Larry’s first ever sleepover.

Other books mentioned:

• Irving and Muktuk: Two Bad Bears
• Bad Bears in the Big City: An Irving and Muktuk Story
  

Author: Henrik Drescher
Illustrator: Henrik Drescher
Published: 2008 Candlewick Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0763633860

A veneer of feigned pleasantries can’t conceal the ceaseless, senseless competition that corrupts then consumes former friends in this deliciously absurd yet apt demonstration of misguided attention and life misspent.

Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Author: Davide Cali
Translator: Marcel Danesi
Illustrator: Anna Laura Cantone
Published: 2008 Tundra Books (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0887768733 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

The cheeky mother-replacement schemings of a disgruntled son and a crackerjack combination of collage, paint and cleverly carefree scrawling make this hilarious showdown between the delights of imagined control and the irreplaceable affection of a loving mom a pore-over-each-page favourite.

Books and Resources mentioned:

• National Film Board of Canada (NFB)
• The Incredible Book Eating Boy

Author: Tony Ross (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Tony Ross
Published: 2004 Andersen Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 1842703382 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Thumps, chomps, head butts and the might of the spunky youngest make this refreshingly ridiculous version of the original Grimm’s tale a shockingly fun read.

Other books mentioned:

• Little Wolf Books (on JOMB)

You can read a version of the original Grimm’s fairy tale here.

Author: Babette Cole
Illustrator: Babette Cole
Published: 2001 Peachtree Publishers
ISBN: 1561452572 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Growls, scowls and rowdiness meet high-brow how-to in this boisterous blend of rules and rule-breaking. Speaking of civility, we do apologize — this chat accidentally spirals into Babette Cole related babbling…

Other books mentioned:

• Mommy Never Told Me
• Dr. Dog

Author: Lisa M. Chalifoux
Illustrator: Heather Castles
Published: 2008 Trafford Publishing
ISBN: 1425155472 Trafford.com Amazon.com

What could be more giggle-inducing than recognizing our own human foibles in a pair of sweet and spunky turtles? With its slapstick, smiles and airy, upbeat illustrations, this simple story helps us laugh at the silliness of squabbles and invites us to find a better way.

You can sneak a peek at the whole book on Heather Castles’ blog, here!

More turtles on JOMB:

• Nanabosho: How the Turtle Got Its Shell
• Tudley Didn’t Know

Author: Sheree Fitch (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Marc Mongeau (on JOMB)
Published: 1992 Doubleday Canada (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0385254709 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Concentrated comedy, chaos, and commotion explode from every detail-packed image and fervent verse of this frenzied celebration of syllables and silliness.

Is it just me, or does this book perfectly capture the pandemonium of parenting?

Other books mentioned:

• Mabel Murple

Poetry Fridays are brought to us by Kelly Herold of Big A, Little A.

Author: Maya Gottfried
Illustrator: Robert Rahway Zakanitch
Published: 2005 Dragonfly Books (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0553113836 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Full page, personality-packed portraits, deceptively adorable sketched studies and frank, enthusiastic poems reveal the charm and distinct characters of sixteen beguiling breeds in this irresistible celebration of spunky, demanding, affectionate, rambunctious, cantankerous, lovable dogs.

Poetry Fridays are brought to us by Kelly Herold of Big A, Little A.

Author: Kathryn Lasky (on JOMB)
Illustrator: David Catrow (on JOMB)
Published: 1995 Hyperion (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0786811641 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Scowls, gasps and frowns abound in this surprisingly informative yet thoroughly entertaining account of the Audubon Society, its origins and its triumph over the silliness of the dead-bird fashion industry.

Other books mentioned:

• The Ballot Box Battle

You can read more about John Audubon’s Bird’s of America here.

Author: Natasha Wing
Illustrator: Sylvie Kantorovitz
Published: 2007 Harcourt (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0152057757 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Featuring playful, childlike drawings, imaginary adventure and the familiar ping-pong interaction of every stall tactic in the book, this 2007 Cybils Award Finalist turns the tables on the theatrical endurance test we call “bedtime”.

Other books mentioned:

• Scribble
• Harold and the Purple Crayon
• Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus
• The Prince’s Bedtime

Be sure to check out the freshly announced list of Fiction Picture Book Finalists for The 2007 Cybils Awards here. And stay tuned — the finalists in the Graphic Novels, Non-Fiction Picture Books, Non-Fiction MG/YA and Young Adult Novels categories of The 2007 Cybils Awards will be announced in three short days!