How to use this Page

Cooking:

Create cucumber soup the easy way - a month or so in the fridge should do it.

Make sure that you always use the weakest knife in the house when chopping carrots (raw) so the blade snaps and stick into your hand. Now make sure you chop (after finding the one knife you always use) onions and let the juice get into new cut. Next chop a chilli and or pepper, which eyes are stinging from onion fumes….rub eyes. Place all vegetables that needs boiling into a large pot. Do not place on any heat…then wonder why it’s not warming up 10 minutes later.

If you spill icing sugar on the floor, getting out the mop is an excellent way of ensuring that the entire kitchen becomes beautifully iced. Even better, if you did this whilst taking the icing sugar out of the cupboard, and got it over you, there is endless fun to be had in trying to wash your hair.

When using the tried and tested technique of pouring a hot drink from one mug to another to cool it down, get into a rhythm and end up tipping both mugs at the same time to release the still scalding hot choc into your lap. Hours of fun as you try to remove trousers, clean up sticky mess and cry about your own stupidity all at once…

Be adventurous at your next conference. Try a new type of coffee (latte & espresso are so old hat). Why not push the button labelled jug coffee?…..

When making jam make sure you boil it all over the cooker and generally get every surface sticky. Then burn yourself trying to get it out the pan before it sets.

It’s always a good idea to let the children make real lemonade without any adult supervision. That way you get to spend the next week wiping sticky lemon juice from every surface in the kitchen, including the floor.

Store glass Pyrex jugs on the highest possible shelf, particularly if you are a little challenged in the height department. Then, when you are in a rush to get one down you won’t quite be able to get hold of it and it will smash onto the worktop, then onto the floor in a spectacular fashion. You’ll be finding tiny shards of glass for weeks; it’s especially important to have bare feet for this.

When opening the oven door make sure you immediately bend down to check what is in the oven so that your new glasses steam up and you are made temporarily blind, thus bumping into the kitchen cupboard door that has been left open.

Having dropped a full egg box on the floor, make the clean up job easy by allowing your puppy to lick up the mess. That way you can delight in the sick that he subsequently produces all over your cream sofa.

Putting in your contact lenses moments before your dinner guests arrive having just chopped up chillies for your Thai green curry makes for an interesting look.

Clothes:

When you buy a new iron, turn it on and apply it to black linen trousers before checking whether the plate has a protective plastic film on it.

When child returns from four day pop festival; throw bag, you are assured only contains washing, into machine after a cursory check through. Be amazed when you empty machine to find you have washed a frankfurter sausage, a sachet of handwipes, a deodorant and an orange. Be further amazed when two washed jelly babies falls out of a pair of socks, completely transparent and colourless but otherwise intact and apparently holding hands!

When in a hurry to iron your son’s school trousers in the morning don’t bother to get out the ironing board. Put a towel, the thinnest one you can find on the lounge floor. Proceed to iron the towel first to flatten it and leave a deep, perfect iron shape in your 2 month old very expensive carpet.

Why on earth would anyone consider using central heating to heat their home? (that’s soooo 70’s!). It’s 2010 kids, get with it. I prefer to iron a shirt in the morning and leave the iron on all day. Not only does it pump heat out but the friction from my electricity meter spinning round at 5000rpm also adds significantly to the ambient temperature.

General:

Leave your passport somewhere you will never remember to look again whilst repeating the following phrase firmly “I must put that somewhere safe later on”. Only remember where you forgot to put it the night before your flight. This will take your mind off worrying about who to ask to look after the cat/dog/goldfish while you are away.

After painting your nails dip your fingers in a basin of cold water as it makes them dry quicker… if you’re after an interesting pattern on your towels then after removing your hands from the water instead of letting them dry by the wonder of evaporation, dry them with a bath towel. The newer the towel the fluffier our nails will appear!

Make sure when you sell items on e-bay that you set the pay pal details to an in-active account, this will ensure loads of stress and also make you look like a dodgy seller as you suddenly ask for alternative payment methods!

If popping out late at night (to the bin, say) it’s best to go barefoot, then at least treading on a hedgehog is less painful for the critter, and it also improves your reaction time.

When moving into a new house, make sure that the first thing you do to test out the plumbing is have a long, luxurious bubble bath. For added effect, make sure that you are not the only person in the house when you pull out the plug, and the water comes pouring through the badly connected pipes into the living room below, thus giving your husband a “free” shower.

When moving car out of garage. Take the hint that the opening to the big wide world is BEHIND you and put the car into reverse - do not try first gear at full throttle.

Remember to take your seatbelt off before attempting to leave your vehicle.

You might also like:

Household Hints & Tips For The Harassed Housewife

With this ring I thee wed - an alternative look at wedded bliss

If you liked this….

More of my articles on a wide variety of subjects can be found via the links on my blog –> misty’s articles online

Take out the Trash: Ugh.  The dumpsters are stinky and you’re busy.  Pawn that chore off on a young, gullible sibling.

Mom:  Sweety, would you please take out the trash for Mommy?

You: Aw, man, I’m watching cartoons!

Mom:  You can do it during the commercial break.

You: fine…. (sneak over to sister’s room) Hey, sis, Mom says you have to take out the trash.

Make sure they do a good job, or you’ll get blamed when this happens…

Unload the Dishwasher:  Tedious.  Why not just leave them in the washer where they are easier to grab?   Pay a sibling imaginary money to do it for you.

You: Hey, Johnny, I’ll pay you 14 Mega-Bucks to unload the dishwasher.

Johnny:  What’s a Mega-Buck?

You:  You don’t know what a Mega-Buck is?  Man, you are a baby.  Mega-Buck’s are for older, cool kids.

Johnny:  I’m not a baby.  What’s a Mega-Buck for?

You: Everything, rocket ship rides, candy, pet dragons…

Johnny:  OK, I’ll do it!

(Later when Johnny asks to redeem his Mega-Bucks, tell him Dragon Eggs cost 18,000,000 Mega-Bucks)

Sweep/Vacuum the Floor:  Why should you clean the floor?  It’s not like you have to eat off it!  Make sure to get the big noticeable stuff, but leave the rest.  If Mom doesn’t notice, great.  If she does notice, doing this enough may convince her that you are terrible at it and she won’t ask you again. 

WARNING!  The DO-THINGS-SO-BAD-THEY-STOP-ASKING strategy is a gamble that may result in you having to do it over.

Clean Your Room:  It’s your room, you should get to keep it how you like it, Messy.

First, insist that you have a system and know precicely where everything is and cleaning would result in you never finding your homework and thus failing Math and never getting into college.  If that doesn’t work, make your bed and shove everything on the floor into your closet/hamper.  If possible, block the closet with a fragile and extremely awkward school diorama or heavy dresser to prevent Mom from discovering its contents.

Mow the Lawn:  It’s hot out and it just grows back.  Luckily for you, the boys at MJM Books have possibly THE most experience in shirking this particular task.  

Strategy One:  Hide the Gas/Break the Mower. 

Strategy Two:  Stall. Promise to do it tomorrow because the weatherman says it will be cooler.  Say you twisted your ankle.  Anything.  The goal is to let the lawn get so bad that it becomes a lost cause and a family’s secret shame like so…

Strategy Three: Employ dishwashing or trash disposing strategies on different, unsuspecting siblings (hopefully, you have a large family).
…sigh…

Final Option: Do it, but raise the wheels up high and leave the bag off.

You’re welcome.   We’re here to help.

…

Can you find me in this picture? I cleaned out our guestroom, closet and all. I even washed the walls and shelves in there. Filthy! Camping gear, huge backpack, sleeping bags, fishing tackle, luggage, old photos and letters, yearbooks from high school, Christmas train set, wrapping paper, stacks of picture frames and other stuff I never knew what to do with. It is a mystery how all that STUFF ever fit in that closet!I am happy to say I removed 75%, which I am going to donate today.

Lessons learned:

1. Closets get very, very dusty. I sneezed right through the mask I was wearing.
2. Do not just throw things you do not know what to do with in closets. Get rid of those things.
3. Do not keep items you no longer use.
4. Do not buy anything you do not absolutely need. At this point, I never want to shop again.
5. Donate items as soon as you find them. Don’t pile them up for months.
6. Reward yourself every time you clean out a closet, shelf or room.

As we in the United States check off our to-do lists in preparation for our Thanksgiving holiday, I offer this council:

While cataloging today, I came across an old copy of Time Magazine from November 19, 1945. This ad amuses me to no end. And now you can enjoy it too. Moral of this blog: Happy National Coming out day. (even thought that's not today, but soon enough)

We're home. We have a computer, although not much of the data that formerly resided on it. We were resuming our regular, albeit new, routine for preschool, work, and music classes. And now, to throw a bit of excitement into our not very organized lives, J has been cast in another play, MacBeth this time, which is terrific since people have heard of it. He will be playing the Doctor (who knew?) and Murderer No. 3. I'm thinking perhaps Q does not need to see this one either...

Because our life will evidently not be busy enough, I'm trying out a new challenge.

I'm not unusual when I say that I hate cleaning. Who doesn't? Well, in the The New York Times I read about a recently married couple (Tess Taylor and Taylor Schreiner, there's no mention of the odd name combination, I hope he takes hers), who are described in a lovely piece about their romance and wedding. I quote, "They boiled water to wash dishes, discovering that they share an affinity for chores." That makes more sense in context, but my point is that they evidently like chores. That's just wrong. No one likes chores unless they don't have to do them. If there is a mutant gene that has created someone who likes housework, it is unfair of the universe to pair them up with the one lone other person who also likes housework. Spread that kind of goodness around some.

Back to my challenge.

I was cleaning the toilet yesterday and I got this idea. What if I cleaned the bathroom every single day?

Anyone who has ever been to my house has become aware of how much I loathe cleaning. Cleaning makes me mean. Even after I clean the house still feels unclean to me. If anyone ever said of my home the lovely adage, "It was untidy, but clean" I would weep with pleasure.

So why does this masochistic idea appeal to me?

When Q was a toddler, he took an aversion to bath time. He would scream and tantrum if we tried to wash him. Our solution was to integrate bath time into our daily bed time ritual, rather than every two or three days, figuring that familiarity would take the edge off his hatred. Now he reserves screaming to nights when we wash his hair.

If I clean the bathroom every single day, maybe I won't hate cleaning so much. It'll go faster, in theory, because the dirt will have had less time to accumulate. I recall at summer camp, we had daily chores, including cleaning the bathroom, and the grime simply never got as bad because we kept it under control on a daily basis.

I'm on day two of the cleaning every day challenge. I have cleaned the sink, the toilet, the floor. I'll spray the tub down after Q is done with his bath and then rinse it when I go to bed. (I hate scrubbing the tub and feel it makes far less impact than the chemicals do, so this also is my attempt to see if repeat application of tub cleaner might take off that semi-permanent layer of grime.)

If this works to reduce my cleaning stress and actually improve cleanliness, I'll consider what implications this has for the rest of my life. I mean, could I clean the kitchen floor every day? Could I vacuum every day?

And now for gratuitous cute photos of the kids:

Q and Excavator. I'm not sure if it's possible to see in this particular photo, but he's sitting on the edge of his construction site, which looks like a miniature rock quarry.


Noodle had been wandering around the kitchen repeating, "hot, hot, hot," which is Noodle speak for "I'm hungry, would you feed me already?" She tried to hint further by getting into her eating chair. But the eating chair had the tray attached, and you can see what the result was. Obviously she wasn't too distressed. This is fairly typical of the lass.


And here you can see that progress is being made on the bathroom. J is giving Q a tour of the developments. Actually, Q is saying things like, "I see you put up a new shelf." Very Seriously. Noodle is exhausted and just wants to sit in Daddy's lap.

Often, adoring fans have asked me "How do you look so good all the time?" as if my job consisted of nothing more than sipping hot coffee and having the occasional cigarette. My job is dirty work. Building a library from a completely donated collection is dirty work. Much dirtier than I anticipated. So, I invested in a white lab jacket. Now I can clean my library, organize, move boxes - and still