Cooking:
Create cucumber soup the easy way - a month or so in the fridge should do it.
Make sure that you always use the weakest knife in the house when chopping carrots (raw) so the blade snaps and stick into your hand. Now make sure you chop (after finding the one knife you always use) onions and let the juice get into new cut. Next chop a chilli and or pepper, which eyes are stinging from onion fumes….rub eyes. Place all vegetables that needs boiling into a large pot. Do not place on any heat…then wonder why it’s not warming up 10 minutes later.
If you spill icing sugar on the floor, getting out the mop is an excellent way of ensuring that the entire kitchen becomes beautifully iced. Even better, if you did this whilst taking the icing sugar out of the cupboard, and got it over you, there is endless fun to be had in trying to wash your hair.
When using the tried and tested technique of pouring a hot drink from one mug to another to cool it down, get into a rhythm and end up tipping both mugs at the same time to release the still scalding hot choc into your lap. Hours of fun as you try to remove trousers, clean up sticky mess and cry about your own stupidity all at once…
Be adventurous at your next conference. Try a new type of coffee (latte & espresso are so old hat). Why not push the button labelled jug coffee?…..
When making jam make sure you boil it all over the cooker and generally get every surface sticky. Then burn yourself trying to get it out the pan before it sets.
It’s always a good idea to let the children make real lemonade without any adult supervision. That way you get to spend the next week wiping sticky lemon juice from every surface in the kitchen, including the floor.
Store glass Pyrex jugs on the highest possible shelf, particularly if you are a little challenged in the height department. Then, when you are in a rush to get one down you won’t quite be able to get hold of it and it will smash onto the worktop, then onto the floor in a spectacular fashion. You’ll be finding tiny shards of glass for weeks; it’s especially important to have bare feet for this.
When opening the oven door make sure you immediately bend down to check what is in the oven so that your new glasses steam up and you are made temporarily blind, thus bumping into the kitchen cupboard door that has been left open.
Having dropped a full egg box on the floor, make the clean up job easy by allowing your puppy to lick up the mess. That way you can delight in the sick that he subsequently produces all over your cream sofa.
Putting in your contact lenses moments before your dinner guests arrive having just chopped up chillies for your Thai green curry makes for an interesting look.
Clothes:
When you buy a new iron, turn it on and apply it to black linen trousers before checking whether the plate has a protective plastic film on it.
When child returns from four day pop festival; throw bag, you are assured only contains washing, into machine after a cursory check through. Be amazed when you empty machine to find you have washed a frankfurter sausage, a sachet of handwipes, a deodorant and an orange. Be further amazed when two washed jelly babies falls out of a pair of socks, completely transparent and colourless but otherwise intact and apparently holding hands!
When in a hurry to iron your son’s school trousers in the morning don’t bother to get out the ironing board. Put a towel, the thinnest one you can find on the lounge floor. Proceed to iron the towel first to flatten it and leave a deep, perfect iron shape in your 2 month old very expensive carpet.
Why on earth would anyone consider using central heating to heat their home? (that’s soooo 70’s!). It’s 2010 kids, get with it. I prefer to iron a shirt in the morning and leave the iron on all day. Not only does it pump heat out but the friction from my electricity meter spinning round at 5000rpm also adds significantly to the ambient temperature.
General:
Leave your passport somewhere you will never remember to look again whilst repeating the following phrase firmly “I must put that somewhere safe later on”. Only remember where you forgot to put it the night before your flight. This will take your mind off worrying about who to ask to look after the cat/dog/goldfish while you are away.
After painting your nails dip your fingers in a basin of cold water as it makes them dry quicker… if you’re after an interesting pattern on your towels then after removing your hands from the water instead of letting them dry by the wonder of evaporation, dry them with a bath towel. The newer the towel the fluffier our nails will appear!
Make sure when you sell items on e-bay that you set the pay pal details to an in-active account, this will ensure loads of stress and also make you look like a dodgy seller as you suddenly ask for alternative payment methods!
If popping out late at night (to the bin, say) it’s best to go barefoot, then at least treading on a hedgehog is less painful for the critter, and it also improves your reaction time.
When moving into a new house, make sure that the first thing you do to test out the plumbing is have a long, luxurious bubble bath. For added effect, make sure that you are not the only person in the house when you pull out the plug, and the water comes pouring through the badly connected pipes into the living room below, thus giving your husband a “free” shower.
When moving car out of garage. Take the hint that the opening to the big wide world is BEHIND you and put the car into reverse - do not try first gear at full throttle.
Remember to take your seatbelt off before attempting to leave your vehicle.
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More of my articles on a wide variety of subjects can be found via the links on my blog –> misty’s articles online