Walter Moers, author of Rumo and The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear, is one of the best-known and most successful German authors and illustrators. In his new novel The City of Dreaming Books, Moers invites readers to experience the strange world of Bookholm, a book-obsessed metropolis in the land of Zamonia. Translated from the German by John Brownjohn.
Timber-time was what Bookholmians called the tranquil evening hours, that snug sequel to a busy day of selling books or writing them. When thick balls of timber blazed in open fireplaces and pipes were lit, when heavy wines developed their bouquets in big-bellied glasses and Master Readers embarked on their public recitations - that was timber-time. That was when billets of firewood crackled on the hearth, bathing the various venues in a warm yellow glow, when ancient tomes and first editions hot off the press were opened, and when audiences crowded closer to listen to the old and tried or the new and outre, to essays or short stories, novels or collections of letters, poetry or prose. Timber-time was when the body came to rest and the mind sprang to life, when phantoms born of a literary imagination arose from the pages and danced about the heads of listeners and readers alike.
BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life and love among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: BARBIE continues in her attempt to break up with G.I. JOE, who is not getting the message. KEN, her ex-boyfriend who took off after hearing the call of the surf, has returned, unaware of the situation. Meanwhile, the BRATZ, fresh from bad critical reviews of their first (and probably last) movie, are heading back to PLASTICVILLE, expecting to return to their former roles of fashionistas
KEN
Hey everyone! I’m back! Your Ken is back, Barbie!
BARBIE
Oh…like…just what I need right now. Ken back
G.I. JOE
(picking up a rocket launcher and pointing it at KEN)
Back from where, sissy boy? How do we know where you were? You could’a given the enemy our coordinates and they could be heading this way now. We gotta kill this guy, babe
BARBIE
Not! Like…put that thing down, G.I.! Get it through your head that we don’t have any enemies. I mean, maybe badly designed outfits and tacky clothes choices…knock-off purses. That doesn’t mean anyone has’ta die! Punished, yes. Death, no.
G.I. JOE
This sissy boy…you know him?
BARBIE
Joe – this is Ken! You remember Ken, don’t you? You and him shared a beach house for a month?
KEN
Is that really you, Joey ba-bee? It’s me, Ken, your beach bunny!
G.I. JOE
(visually uncomfortable)
Um… Well… Never saw this disgusting excuse for a soldier in my life! Turn around and put your hands on the wall
KEN
Why?
G.I. JOE
I gotta frisk you - t’see if you got any hidden weapons
KEN
Ohhhhhh – I like that idea. Here let me help…
G.I. JOE
(frisking KEN)
Stand back, soldier! I’m armed with a weapon
KEN
Oh I can see that. Wanna frisk me again? Then I’ll frisk you…and then we’ll frisk each other…
BARBIE
Like…I don’t wanna break up your sick game but G.I. – we hav’ta talk. Now please?
(suddenly, there is the sound of a car engine and a Corvette pulls up)
Sasha! Jade! Jasmin! Cloe! The Bratz are back!
G.I. JOE
You know these dolls?
BARBIE
Never saw them before in my life!
G.I. JOE
Aha! The enemy has many faces. Okay ladies. Up against the wall and spread your legs
(G.I. JOE attempts to push the Bratz dolls against the wall and they hop along instead on their tip-toes)
(cont’d.) I said – spread ‘em!
JADE
We can’t! Like…our legs won’t move apart! God knows we've been trying for years and don't even ask about our sex lives
G.I. JOE
Don’t gimme none of your lame excuses. I said – spread ‘em!
JADE
And I’m telling you – we can’t!
SASHA
Like…hi Barbie! We’re back! Where’s the party?
BARBIE
You have some nerve! The four of you take off on me…like…a long time ago and like…you try to be movie stars and like…you sucked big time and now…like you expect me to welcome you back with open arms?
SASHA
Well…yeah. Why not?
BARBIE
Um – well – because – lemme think on that question
YASMIN
The bad movie director kept telling us to emote and like…we kept telling him we couldn’t!
BARBIE
How come?
YASMIN
We don’t know what the word means. Oh Barbie – please forgive us! We miss your parties… I mean, we’ve missed you.
BARBIE
Like…right now I got other more important problems to worry about
CLOE
What could be more important than…us?
BARBIE
Um – well – him…(gesturing to G.I. JOE who is crawling around on his stomach looking for "the enemy") and Ken…and Blaine
CLOE
Blain? Who’s Blain?
BARBIE
That Australian surfer dude laying on the ground over there
(The BRATZ dolls hop over to where BLAIN is laying, staring at him)
CLOE
Hey – he’s cute
BLAIN
(lifting his head and looking up)
Mummy? Is it time for din-dins yet?
BARBIE
See what I mean?
KEN
Hey ladies – remember me? We surfed together?
CLOE
Is he still hanging around?
G.I. JOE
Okay ladies. Hands up in the air! How do I know you’re who you say you are? Gimme some proof. They gotta gimme proof, babe, or you know what I gotta do!
BARBIE
(slapping G.I. JOE across the face after each word)
You (slap)-stop (slap)-that (slap)-talk (slap)-right (slap)-now!
Questions du jour: Will G.I. JOE continue his strip searches of...everyone? What will be G.I. JOE's reaction when he and Barbie have "the talk?" Will Ken and G.I. renew their "friendship?" More importantly, will Barbie and the Bratz resume their fashionista standing and buy more designer clothes? These and other questions will eventually be answered in the next installment of:
BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE.
Writers & Friends
BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
By Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE
BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?
G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?
BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you
G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?
BARBIE
Um… Let me think…
(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)
BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!
BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!
BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!
BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon
G.I. JOE
What does he mean?
BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!
G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is
BARBIE
(nervous)
Well… You know, G.I. sometimes – um – two people – um – who have been seeing each other – um – for too long… I mean, who know each other a long time, need to – um…um… Need a rest from each other. Know what I’m trying to say?
G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No
BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course
G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!
BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?
G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!
BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart
G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished
BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind
G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?
BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…
G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!
BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!
G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…
BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!
G.I. JOE
I don’t get it
BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!
G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…
BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other
G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?
BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!
G.I. JOE
You mean…
BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine
G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?
(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)
G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!
(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)
BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!
G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!
BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!
G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…
BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything
G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…
BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again
G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?
(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)
BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off
BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time
G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.
BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…
G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…
BARBIE
…been there, heard that
(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)
KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near
BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now
(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)
©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007
Writers & Friends
Walter Moers, author of Rumo and The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear, is one of the best-known and most successful German authors and illustrators. In his new novel The City of Dreaming Books, Moers invites readers to experience the strange world of Bookholm, a book-obsessed metropolis in the land of Zamonia. Translated from the German by John Brownjohn.
dude, now is the time on sprockets when we dance.
Sprockets ruled!