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Perfect solution, Kayleen! It is just lovely! And I know it has so much meaning attached with your story behind it.

The cropped version is better - in fact you could crop it even more and have just a sliver of land.The anger monster. As you were describing it, I could feel the sensation, or at least remember what it feels like.

I like the premise, but you are up against steep competition (as the Evil one pointed out). Your book might be very different. It might be better. But it won't be looked at unless you can make it stand apart form those that came before.

While writing an Arthur story, it was suggested to me that I change the main character to an unknown and tell the same story I was going to tell in order to avoid the comparison. I'm still thinking about it.

Putting in the 'rich' and 'sumptuous' characterizations makes it sound like you're in love with your words (aren't we all?), but those editors don't want to hear that.

I wonder if it would help to play up the historical aspect of it. Not sure. I'm pretty sure Anne Rice included a lot of historical references as well.

Anyway, I played with this a bit. I don't like the run-on last paragraph, but there's a suggestion or two in this:

The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes, a 90,000 word supernatural suspense novel on the early life of Vlad Dracula, tells the story of an extraordinary man with the power to change the face of Europe forever.

In 1431, high in the Carpathian Mountains, a Black Dragon sleeps, as he has done for a hundred years, sated on the blood and pain of the Crusades. Then the winds bring Black Radul tidings of a child – the son of a minor prince in the insignificant country of Wallachia, which borders the Black Sea. Vlad has the power to cast Europe back into another Dark Age, and postpone the Renaissance for centuries. Radul's goal is to tie the boy to him before the other Great Dragons of Europe can manipulate him for their own purposes.

When Vlad is singled out for induction into the Holy Roman Emperor's powerful and secretive Order of the Dragon, the ceremony gives him strange new powers . . . and binds him to Radul, the Black Dragon of the Carpathians, in an unholy servitude that Vlad can neither accept nor escape.

From the debauched and glittering Nuremburg court of Sigismund, the Holy Roman Emperor, to Adrianople, and the hashish-soaked harem of Murad II, the Grand Sultan of the Ottoman Turks, The Dracula Chronicles: The Dragon Awakes combines the actual events of the life of Prince Vlad Dragula with the myth of Dracula to tell the tale of an exceptional man at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in the hands of the mortals it was created for, no matter what the price.

Sarah

Dracula in 12th grade:

He goes to his senior prom with a monster of a pimple right on his nose, oblivious to its presence because he can't see it in a mirror. The relentless teasing that ensues drives him towards becoming the epitome of evil. Damn bullies.

And yes, I think Dragula is one of the more amusing spelling mistakes I've seen in a query. ;)

As for the query itself, it suffers from not developing a protagonist. Is it Vlad, or the Dragon? Typically the first name you mention in your query should be the protagonist, and you should focus your mini-synopsis on what he tries to accomplish. And as EE said, are you making Dracula the GOOD GUY here?

"binds him to Radul, the Black Dragon of the Carpathians, in an unholy servitude." I had a girlfriend once who bound me in unholy servitude. Aside from the black leather harness, I doubt this is the same thing.

"facilitate your consideration I used to use words like that. I once sent my straw man on his quality journey to find his inner self. He returned and slapped my face. Another time I strapped my straw man to his quality vector and launched him on his quality journey. In that way I facilitated his inner development.

Please, I beg you, do not use the word facilitate unless your character is a quality person. Dragula ain't. heh heh heh heh heh....

I once read a book coauthored by Radu Florescu (a descendant of the real Dracula) about his forefather. Vlad Tepes was raised in the Ottoman Empire and not as a prince of the Holy Roman Empire. Amazon is selling used copies real cheap. Look up "In Search of Dracula: The History of Dracula and Vampires" with Florescu as an author.

But then, this is fiction and I can live with the Holy Roman Empire and a conspiracy theory.

I have a couple questions:
- Is Black Radul a person or a dragon? The query uses the name for both, it seems.
- Wallachia is not a country but a principality and part of Romania. It is mountainous.
- the Carpathian mountains are like the Rockies or the Andes mountains. the mountain range passes through Romania, the Ukraine, Poland and Slovakia. The Carpathians begin on the Danube near Bratislava. They surround Transcarpathia and Transylvania in a large semicircle, sweeping towards the south-west, and end on the Danube near Orşova, in Romania. Saying the "Black Dragon of the Carpathians" is confusing.
- Was Romania part of the Ottoman Empire in 1431? Or was it disputed territory? I don't know.

I'm not qualified to comment on your query, although my guess is, as has been mentioned, if you have a useful angle on the vampire theme, you may well be 'good to go'.

Has that much been done with the younger, much younger, days of this guy before, the ages you are focusing on? I really don't know.
The only two vampire books I've ever read were Bram Stoker's, and then Salem's Lot - but I'd think a young-years history would interest people.

Good luck with your work, author.

EE, this is one of the funniest Face-Lifts you have ever done. I really tink this should go on the 'best of' list. I laughed so hard I embarrassed myself. (Two people came in to my office to check on me.) From the nipple to Count Chocula. Good Lord.

Oh, yes, Dragula is the good guy here. It all started as a conversation about sympathetic bad guys. And Sarah, thanks! You have many good suggestions.

Historical note: Dragula is actually a closer rendition of Vlad's name than Dracula. I totally blew the Vampire Chronicles thing, i'd forgotten all about that. And i'm still laughing too hard about Vlad's mother and her nursing trauma to say anything else sensible at the moment. I wonder what the La LEche League would say. Remember, suck, don't bite.

I love you guys!

And yes, I think Dragula is one of the more amusing spelling mistakes I've seen in a query. ;)

I loved EE's riff on the name, but I wasn't sure if you really thought this a spelling mistake, Chro. It isn't. However, Author, I do think that it's a bit risky to use the "Dragula" name and the "Dracula" name together.

Speaking of names, didn't Vlad have a brother named Radu, or am I mis-remembering? Seeing Black Radul as a character threw me a bit. And you vonder vhy Dracula prounounces w's like v's vhen "Wallachia" is also spelled "Valachia" (the name I know it by).

The title of the book also makes me think you plan a series out of this. Good that you don't explicitly state that, but then, since we know from history that Vlad didn't get the Impaler moniker for naught, nor go from the Dragula to the Dracula name because he was a nice guy, some indication of where the ending of this book winds up in his life might be in order.

"The story begins" is OK for a synopsis that has a lead-in hook or some characterization prefacing the synopsis part, but doesn't work well for a hook. Just use "In 1431..."

Your setup for Radul really doesn't leave me with a good sense of who or what his purpose is. Does "the wind" really bing him the tidings? Already I'm not feeling so much grounded in history as taking a flight of fantasy, and I think you want to keep this focused on the historical, don't you? And "the son of a minor prince in the insignificant country of Wallachia, which borders the Black Sea" doesn't really contribute much except to take up real estate. Get to the story.

Others have pointed out the MC shift from Radul to Vlad. Whose story is this? If Vlad's, then try focusing the query on him, starting with his induction into the Order of the Dragons as a naif who only gradually learns that he's the Dragons' pawn.

Since the reader knows the monster this man will become, we need to be given a sympathetic portrait of a man who is changed by circumstance rather than his innate nature. And the query needs to assure the reader that, as others have pointed out, there is indeed a protagonist worthy of our attention linked to this debauchery of a life. As it stands here, as EE points out, there isn't any real inciting events or characterizations that set it apart from other stories about dear old Vlad.

I'd like to see a story about Skippy the Buck-Toothed Vampire, who has trouble feeding because his two front teeth keep getting in the way.

And Sarah's right. The only thing that kept me from wanting to read this story was the name Dracula. Change it to Marvin and it's a bestseller.

I'm confused about who's who. Vlad is Dracula, got that. Is he also the child of the minor prince, or is that somebody else? Is Radul actually going to tie a boy onto a dragon's back? No, wait, Radul is the dragon and he's going to tie a boy to Dracula? But then somebody ties (binds) Dracula to Radul instead? Where does the exceptional man come in?

I real life, the real world, in history,
Vlad Tepes was the ruler (sort of Duke or Prince who ruled over Wallachia in the early 1400's. As I recall, he was raised in by Saracens or Moslems because he was the hostage to keep peace. It was common in those days to raise your enemies princeling to guarantee the peace. In his teen years, Vlad returned to the family (thanks to a war) and then was schooled by the Church.
Needless to say, Vlad was screw up. he was incredibly cruel. He conquered villages and then impaled the surviving townspeople on stakes for all to see. That is why history names him "Vlad the Impaler." They have woodcuts of impaled people commemorating his deeds. Bram Stoker used the story of Vald Tepes as the basis of his legend of the undead, the vampire - a man so evil he was cursed by God to suck the blood of innocents to stay alive.

Impalement was a terror weapon. It wasn't the first but it is effective in subduing a population.

I can name other terror weapons - IED's and V2's just for starters.

Well, I don't know squat about Mr. Impaler, so I don't know the story behind the names Dracula and Dragula. Perhaps the agents being sent this query will recognize the spelling with a G, perhaps not. But as someone else said, switching between the two on a whim in this query isn't going to help the author any. I say stick with one and leave the name explanation to the actual book.

So, um, how many wives has EE run through? (Not meaning with stakes or other pointy objects. Guy's gotta keep some secrets after all ...)

okay, just to clarify:

Vlad II was called Dragul after he was inducted into the Order of the Dragon by Sigismund, holy roman emperor. He got the nickname because he liked to flash a fancy dragon emblem the emperor gave him. Vlad III (the impaler) was called Dragula i.e. son of the Dragon. Vlad III was born in 1431, and went to Turkey around 1442ish. Wallachia was an independent nation in the 1400s, and most of the citizens lived on a large plain in between Carpathian mountains and the Alps. So, Dragula is actually more correct than Dracula, you can be Wallachian Dragon and live in the Carpathians, and Vlad was associated with both the Holy Roman Empire and with the Ottomans. And Radu the Handsome, his younger brother, was executed by Vlad after Radu tried to overthrow him with the help of the Turks. And Count Chocula is the best vampire, although I don't think he was ever held hostage by the Turks.

I'm trying to figure out if soaking in hashish is a beauty treatment or some sort of aphrodisiac for women. Just wondering.

Did Count Chocula die by nipple-ectomy?

Just chiming in that EE was quite funny today.

am i the only one who remembers the hash oil scene in . . . firestarter by thomas tryon, or someting very like that?

EE wrote: [When a gigantic lizard wakes up after a hundred years, I suspect his only immediate goal would involve pigging out on a couple dozen knights.]

No, silly, he wants maidens--virgins for preference.

hashish-soaked harem? Try saying THAT ten times really fast!

Vampire Hall of Fame: You left out Tanya Huff's Henry Fitzroy (vampire, romance writer, and bastard son of Henry VIII) and the hot guy in the current TV series Moonlight

If you're going into the real-life history of Vlad Dracul, you might deal with the fact that for centuries he was regarded as a great champion of Christianity, because he fought the Turks to keep them out of Europe.

But I love the pic of you.

EE, inquiring minds want to know....

1- How many exes have there been?

2- You were on fire today...

Vampire Hall of Fame: You left out Tanya Huff's Henry Fitzroy (vampire, romance writer, and bastard son of Henry VIII) and the hot guy in the current TV series Moonlight

I specifically said "charter members." Henry Fitzroy doesn't go back far enough to have been an original industee.

I have mixed feelings about The Count being a charter member. Sure, he created a niche all his own and is terribly memorable, a true pioneer vampire, but he counted slower than a scared child on the high dive. One........ two....... three....... kinda got annoying, even to a kid who loved the old lug.

EE said: Henry Fitzroy doesn't go back far enough to have been an original industee.

Is an industee a vampire who's already been staked?

I'm a little confused here. Everyone keeps saying, "what separates your story from the others?" Then they make mention of it in the post.

Doesn't the early years sort of set it apart? It's been done before, maybe, but ah, with Dracula as the good guy? I'm no expert on vampire stories, but that sounds pretty fresh to me.

Also, has Dracula been involved with Dragons in other books? Again, no expert here, but I've never heard of it. Sounds fresh to me.

Dracula as the good guy, fighting dragons. How much more original does someone have to get?

Good job, author. With some of the suggestions on rewriting the query, I think you're on to something.

After all the back-and-forthing (not to be confused with to-and-froing)I can't believe we left barnabas collins off the charter member list.Duh!

And don't forget Le Fanu's Carmilla and the title character of Varney the Vampire.

You're right, deb. Barnabas is a camp classic.

And I agree, stick and move. The young angle, coupled with weird good-guy status, would seem to set this apart.

Talpianna, you must be an actual old vampire movie buff!

WELL! We really sucked the bloody life out of that query!

I like the idea of the story if you can get around all te preconceptions about Dracula and Vampires.

Thanks, Dave. I am still just laughing like a loon over the "Dracula as a child" thing. Evertime I read the 'suck, don't bite' quote, I start laughing out loud in my office, which causes people to poke their heads in to see if i've finally lost it.

Thanks again for all your helpful input, everybody. And, as a footnote, a query letter I poseted here a couple of months ago has been doing its job; the manuscript for that novel is currently sitting on an agent's desk - at her request, no less.

Hey, Stick and Move:

The history of Vlad has been pretty well documented, so all the setup in this author's version feels like nothing more than yet another historical treatise. We get very little plot or motivation in the query to set it apart.

Recently, a little book called The Historian dealt with Vlad and his troubles in the Ottoman empire (even if Vlad wasn't the MC in the book). So from the query the book doesn't appear to offer anything more than what people already know.

As for making him out to be the good guy, well, the anti-hero is still alive and well. Loveable outlaws, vampires with souls -- we buy into them as long as we are given the motivation to like them. The query lacks that motivation. It's like querying a book about Hitler as a young man and insisting the reader embrace him as an anti-hero. To get away with it, that query will need to be very strong on characterization and motivation if it's to convince an agent that the pages will work.

The author may well offer up a new and exciting version of Vlad from what a hundred history books tell us, but it's not coming through in the query. Alas, no, I don't believe there are any dragons -- at least not of the Puff or Fafnir ilk -- in this book. These Dragons are just a group of men with a cool name. Unless the author really does mean scaly, giant-reptilian, Dragonheart dragons, which would, truly, be a pretty unique angle, come to think of it.

Deb: I'm not really a vampire fan; but in college, waaay back in the last century, I did a term paper on the horror story as a literary form. (Scared me so much I had to sleep with a night light.) And I'm on a romance forum where a lot of people are fans of paranormals, so I've picked up a lot about vampires/werewolves/demons/faeries/Republicans and other supernatural evils in passing.

The Tanya Huff books are different because the vampire is a good guy working with the heroine, a private eye, and her cop friend to foil supernatural criminals. I also like Susan Sizemore's Laws of the Blood series, about The Enforcers, a special group of vampires who police the rest, and their human Companions. They are really gorier than I like, especially the first one; but the characters and relationships are great, and she even manages a bit of humor. (In one book, the vampire is undercover in his wolf form (Enforcers can do this) and winds up participating in a dog show. When he doesn't win, he's so mad he eats the border collie that did.) I recommend both these series; but otherwise I'm not into supernatural characters other than werewolves, and that's because I like wolves. (I always wanted to grow up to be Akela, or to marry him.)

By the way, am I the only one to notice that the portrait of Evil Editor is a dead ringer for the supposedly-late Isaac Asimov? Makes me REALLY wonder about the fangs....

Recently, a little book called The Historian dealt with Vlad and his troubles in the Ottoman empire (even if Vlad wasn't the MC in the book). So from the query the book doesn't appear to offer anything more than what people already know.

I think it's fair to separate the setting from the story. The query sets up the setting with these historical figures, but it is a work of fiction and does offer something substantially new:

Vlad has the power to cast Europe back into another Dark Age, and postpone the Renaissance for centuries. Radul's goal is to tie the boy to him before the other Great Dragons of Europe can manipulate him for their own purposes.

I'm late to this party, but wanted to comment on the unusually spritely humor of EE today. Especially loved Dragula!

Author, I don't know, but I liked it. Hope you can emphasize the fresh spin your story takes.

Phoenix, my comment was intended to address the "what's different about your story?" question, not whether or not the query hits the mark. I thought it was pretty obvious what was different and unique about this story, and was confused why people would ask what's different, then go on to comment about the youth angle, the good guy angle, the dragons. I thought, "Am I the only one that sees it hiding in plain sight?" And I read the query as if it were referring to scaly dragons. So if I'm wrong on that count, I think the good guy angle still gives the Dracula story a new twist. Especially if, as someone mentioned, we see his character arc come to fruition as the evil dude whom we all know.

As for the query itself, I'm afraid I can't offer any suggestions that haven't already been made.

Anyway, I'd be curious to know from the author if these are scaly dragons or just bad guys called dragons.

Phoenix: yes, real, honest to God, fire-breathing dragons. No guys in funny tights with cool names. Damn straight. And Freud. And the Historian dealt with Vlad's activities in the Ottoman empire only as reported through flashbacks-within-flashbacks-within-flashbacks, within . . . flashbacks? I'm sure someone could tell you more about it, but the readers are all asleep. :)
(Sorry, but I spent an entire night reading it, and was really, really glad I hadn't paid for it. Except with hours of my life. and my wits. And my wililngness to read anything else that starts out with "This bok was made possible in part thanks to a grant from . . . " Did I say arrggh! yet? Although, a Romanian travel agency is now offering a "Historian" tour of the Drac sites mentioned in the book. Muahaha!

Hmmm, then Deb. While I think the dragon angle is cool, the query didn't make it clear to me at all that the Dragons (with the capital "D") were the scaly, fire-breathing type. Not with mention of Sigismund's Order of the Dragon, and his two dozen, or however many there were, Dragons in fealty to him. Obviously, I read it wrong, as did a couple of other minions. I'm familiar with the history, including the Dragon references from history, which no doubt tainted my interpretation of the query. I do think the query needs to be clearer on that point since it can be read both ways. I just figured the "other Great Dragons" were Vlad II and the other 22 of Sigi's personal, quite human, Dragons.

Of course there was the claim that the main dragon had slept for a hundred years.

In one of the Sizemore books, the protagonist was hired by Vlad the Impaler, back in his (Istvan's) youth, to GET RID OF the local vampires. I guess things changed.

Incidentally, the heroine calls him "Steve" because "Istvan is so fourteenth century."

Of course there was the claim that the main dragon had slept for a hundred years.

Well, yeah. But there's magic and vampires and the part about being sated by blood, so I very clearly saw Black Radul as a Dragon (of the bipedal persuasion) who was also a vampire and who would, based on the ties and binding references, be the one to turn Vlad.

The version I was reading in my head made some sort of historical sense to me. The version with the fire-breathing dragons doesn't feel menacing enough because I don't know the dragons' motivations or place in this alt universe. I love historical fantasy, and I'm ready for the ride. It's just from the query, I'm not getting a sense of how the dragons play into this world or what Vlad's role is.

Dear Evil:

I've recently completed a 90,000 word novel of supernatural suspense, entitled Revealing Dragula. When a melancholy Dragula asks an eager young psychiatrist for help, they both get more than they had bargained for. Especially the doctor, young Sigmund Freud, newly arrived to study with the great Jean Martin Charcot, at the Hospital Salpetriere in Paris.

Freud does not believe Dragula's story, but he agrees to undertake the madman's analysis in the hopes that the new “talking cure” can dispel Vlad's grief and undo his obvious delusions. Under the influence of mesmerism, Dragula reveals to Freud that as a mortal he was a member of the powerful and clandestine Order of the Dragon, inducted in a ceremony that gave him strange new powers and opened his eyes to forces beyond the imaginings of mere mortals.

Vlad had learned the secret of the Order of the Dragon – real dragons walk the earth still, and it is they who truly rule the world, using mortal kings as pawns. Vlad stood at a turning point in human history; crucial choices he made could bring on the absolute rule of the Ottoman Empire, virtually eliminate Christianity in Europe, or help the Order fend off the invaders and throw Europe back into a new dark age. Vlad did not find either alternative acceptable.

Looking for a way to elude both futures, Vlad traveled from the emperor's debauched and glittering court in Nuremburg to Turkish Adrianople, where he was held hostage by the grand sultan of the Ottomans. There he learns of the powerful Jinn, and begins to see the possibility of a third choice – if he has the will and the nerve.

Freud, at first concerned solely about how to help his new patient shed his odd delusions, soon comes to realize that Vlad Dragula stands at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in mortal hands, no matter what the price. And in order to accomplish that, he's going to need Freud's help.

I hope you enjoy the enclosed sample chapter of Revealing Dragula. The full manuscript is available at your request.

Sincerely,

It's better. It flows better though the mix of tenses is throwing me. It looks like there are three choices and not two to begin with, so that needs to be cleaned up a little.

Here's my take on it:

When a melancholy Vlad Dragula asks a young Sigmund Freud for help, they both get more than they bargain for. Freud, newly arrived to study with the great Jean Martin Charcot at the Hospital Salpetriere in Paris, does not believe Vlad's story. He agrees to undertake the madman's analysis in the hopes that the new “talking cure” can dispel Vlad's grief and undo his obvious delusions.

Under the influence of mesmerism, Vlad reveals that he was a member of the powerful and clandestine Order of the Dragon, whose secret is that real dragons walk the earth, and it is they who truly rule the world, using mortal kings as pawns. Vlad was inducted in a ceremony that gave him strange new powers and opened his eyes to forces beyond the imaginings of mere mortals. He stands at a turning point in human history. He can bring on the absolute rule of the Ottoman Empire and virtually eliminate Christianity in Europe, or help the Order fend off the invaders and throw Europe back into a new dark age.

Vlad, who found neither alternative acceptable, traveled from the emperor's debauched and glittering court in Nuremburg to Turkish Adrianople, where he was held hostage by the grand sultan of the Ottomans. There he learned of the powerful Jinn, and began to see the possibility of a third choice – if he has the will and the nerve.

Freud, at first concerned solely about how to help his new patient shed his odd delusions, soon comes to realize that Vlad Dragula stands at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in mortal hands, no matter what the price. And in order to accomplish that, he's going to need Freud's help.

Revealing Dragula is a 90,000 word novel of supernatural suspense. I hope you enjoy the enclosed sample chapter. The full manuscript is available at your request.

This whole story is a flash back? I always find that disapointing.

"He can bring on the absolute rule of the Ottoman Empire and virtually eliminate Christianity in Europe, or help the Order fend off the invaders and throw Europe back into a new dark age. "

I'm glad you've fixed it to 'dark age' here. Since a dark age is a time of fighting, where as dark ages=middle ages= me ranting at you about how the 9th and 12th century renaissances were far more potent then the silly latin murderers of the 15th century.

"soon comes to realize that Vlad Dragula stands at the center of a whirlwind of magic and evil, seeking to insure that the world remains in mortal hands, no matter what the price. And in order to accomplish that, he's going to need Freud's help."

Is your novel about Dracula and Freud protecting the modern world from evil or is it about Vlad on the cusp of the 15th century? I assumed it was the first, but I suppose it could be the second and now I'm confused.

It is much tighter but it still seems to be more detail then you need to work anyone.

Dang, I'd read this. It was sounding good and the fact that you'd grown up on a similar commune just tips it over into great. :) Good luck!

I lived on a commune, but not in Northern California. I guess those are different from regular communes, because this one sounds life Time Magazine made it up. For instance, nobody I knew in the 60s or 70s (or now) would have named their kid Princess. Never in a kajillion years. Might as well name her Goldwater or Nixon or Fascista or Barbie. But perhaps in the book you make it clear that this is a monarchist commune.

I second the question: why is she called The Princess?

Your query is clear enough and you do have a cohesive plot. However, the setting doesn't have the ring of truth.

I'm guessing this is like "beach Blanket Bingo" meets the Creature Hungry for Human Flesh. And that's a worthy horror plot. {All of these horror plots have been done before none are truly unique.}

However, there has to be another element to get past the cheesy horror. Even SAW has a gimmick beyond blood & gore. HOSTEL is the same way (I kinda puked all over during this movie, be warned). HALLOWEEN also has a gimmick.

I think that "Ten year old girl with telepathic powers" is good enough and that's where you have to focus. She saves her family despite their overuse of drugs. Be careful, you make the family and commune members sound like they are Too Stupid Too Live. Now, most horror requires a body count and some even require 55 gallon drums of blood splattering off the surrounds at regular intervals, but you need more than one character to be bright, courageous and understanding. Princess has to team up with someone else. A ten year old is not capable of beating a man-eating eel alone.

enormous talking land eel...LOVE IT! ETLE.

Just hoping you didn't steal my idea about pot brownies from SLUT's blog.

This sounds imaginative, and the life on the commune piqued my interest. But I'm wondering how you handled multiple POVs in only 80,000 words.

Good luck.

I'd read it just to see if there are any similarities between the commune in the story and any of the many communes I've lived in, at least one of which had a King.

Sounded good to me in the GTP and the basic plot sounds good, even though contemporary horror (movies) are not my thing. As far as the query goes, It sounds as though you have all the basic elements and relate them in an orderly fashion (except mind-opening -- I think the term used in GTP#2, mind-expanding, is more familiar, although I'm with EE that there could be more names and definitely a description of the eel. Also enjoyed his comment, re: Eel looks weird. Sounds like something I would pick up at Borders, chuckle at, and wait until the Major Motion Picture version hits cable.

PS -- love the hippie/commune aspect!!

Hmm. If I saw this on a book jacket. I'd put it back down. Sorry :(

I felt vaguely wound up at what seems like judgemental attitudes - they were stoned so a mutilated body got ignored? Er, hang on there. Princess can live with random goats and hippies being torn to shreds but now it's about to be her family, well that's different! Why is the monster speaking to her? I think the monster needs naming and this needs explaining and Princess needs some character.

If I ignore the wildly irresponsible inhabitants of the commune, it ends up feeling like Where the Wild Things Are to me.

Da-dummmmm, da-dummmm. Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Western Union."
"Who?"
"Candygram."
"Oh sure, be right there!"

I wasn't sure if you meant it as a parody or not.

I'm just...confused. This sounds like a horror movie, not a novel. Admittedly, sometimes the distinction is very fine, but in this case, I find myself wondering: why do we care? I've got a lack of sympathy from the start for the apparently moronic hippies and a girl named (or called?) the Princess, and the usual difference between a horror novel and a B movie is that in the novel, we're supposed to care about the characters.

I think you might have a good book here, but it's hard to tell. With comments like "the land doesn't want them there," you're suggesting that maybe the monster (whatever it is) is the land or related to the land or...something. But without that connection or an explanation of why it wouldn't want some happy, nekkid, groovy hippies hangin' out, it seems like the monster (whatever it is) is effectively the bogeyman: it shows up for no apparent reason, it kills people cuz that's how it rolls, and then the people are dead.

Also, I'd ditch the part about being raised in a similar commune. Especially with the judgmental air about the nekkid groovy pot-smokin' hippies, it makes it sound like you have an axe to grind and this is the story of the Little Girl Who Really Knew What Was Right And Nobody Ever Listened And They All Got What They Deserved.

Um, a guy offered to show me his enormous talking land eel when I was in college. I declined. I think that's all I have to say on teh subject.

So Hashii is a count, an infamous lord, a court assassin, and an investigator?

Not to mention a prehistoric vehicle.

I’m guessing Faina being the suspect is your hook. There must be something about her that is unusual or something about what happens with her when the murders happen – like she disappears during those times. Does she have an alternate personality like Hashii? Is she after his job? Or are we dealing with a psychopath?

Perhaps starting the query with Faina and why she is so important might help. Why is Faina a suspect? What is it about her that leads Hashii to think she might be Sorrow?

I’m not sure efficient and brutal go together. Efficient indicates done quickly with a minimum of fuss whereas brutal usually indicates excess.

Count Hashii is Lord Ash is an assassin is an investigator. Is Lord Ash the assassin? And Count Hashii is his public persona? Or vice versa? Is he investigating to stop the crimes, because his territory is being invaded, because his employment is in jeopardy?

If the killer is striking down commoners, why is it stalking the palaces? Are there commoners in the palaces? Then the killer is in a small province? This guy gets around.

The killer is male in the beginning of the query. Why would we think the girl is the killer at the end?


The Dinobus is very good, EE.

Superbus Tryannus?
Please.
And I liked "Sorrow" as a name and as a character but "superbus" killed it. Dead.

Not enough info, and is "Superbus Tyrannus" really necessary?(It struck me as a joke) The second sentence, "his methods" should be gender-neutral if "Sorrow" ends up being the girl. I'm no expert on queries, but I'm pretty sure you should be providing answers to a potential agent, not asking questions.

"So Hashii is a count, an infamous lord, a court assassin, and an investigator?"


The last two wouldn't be that hard to do if you only investigated your own assassinations.

What everybody else said, plus you need to be more specific as to Sorrow's methods, because since it's fantasy, "unlike anything anyone has encountered" could go either way. In a kingdom used to murder by sword, dead people full of bullet holes would be new and different. Or, at the other end, Sorrow may be like that guy in those Saw movies, and he/she may devise clever ways for people to kill themselves, which, with a name like Sorrow, probably involves Sorrow reading aloud from his/her own brooding, melancholy poetry. You don't have to give a lot of detail, but some would help.

I think Sorrow is the red herring, and that anon 2:16 has it right. If Faina lives in Macula Telum and the body count didn't start rising there until Lord Ash comes on the scene, then I'm betting Ash is the real assassin. Would an "efficient" killer start killing in their own hometown just when an investigator shows up?

Otherwise, it's the aliens in chapter 14 syndrome. Without some hint in the query that she could be a killer, it'll be coming out of left field if she is because only the question itself raises the thought she could be.

Also, what makes this fantasy apart from the names? Acquiring agents will want to know.

Loving the dino bus, EE!

And the GTPs are all winners, too!

It's standard to round your word count to the nearest thousand, i.e. 81,000 words.

I feel the immediate need to write a short story about a dinobus.

Having said that, I'm guessing the author was going for a glorified version of "Superb Tyrant, not a prehistoric vehicle.

I still want to write about a dinobus.

The dinobus was amazing.

Right now you might have back jacket copy but not a query. Just tell us what happens.

People are being killed. The Emporer sends his assassin to investigate. The assassin finds an orphan who happened to lose her parents in an assasignation and for some reason suspects her.

What reason?
Do they find out who Sorrow is?
Does the blood money matter to the query?
How does it end?

It could be my kind of story but I don't know enough to tell.

What's interesting to me about Superbus Tyrranus is how important stress is. If you are saying mentally "suPERbus TYRanus" or "suPERbus tyRANus", then it would never even occur to you that it could be thought of as a "SUPerBUS".

Interesting facts about stress - it moves:
eleVATor
opeRATor
but ELevator OPerator

or

MissiSIPpi

but

MISsissippi MUD

Also, a BLACK BOARD is a board which is colored black, but a BLACKboard is a type of board found in classrooms and might be green.

"superbus Tyrannus"? Words fail me...

I prefer my dinobus much more because it's evil.

It will only be up for a short while, so get it while it lasts...

Church Lady, about that clip art -- Let me break it to you kindly. You're no EE when it comes to cheesy art. Perhaps you should stick to writing and cussing and pontificating ...

(But it WAS oddly satisfying seeing EE behind the wheel. Reading, of course. While driving.)

Well to a certain extent a good start, the idea reminds me of a dean koontz book "door to december" which has a young child coming under suspicion for paranormal murders (awesome book by the way).

Problems:

1) Firstly an easy one. Count Hashii, Lord Ash, Superbus Tyrranus, 'Sorrow' and Macula Telum. One sentance! This will put agents off immediately. You don't need to know about the Dinobus guy, nor Lord Ash. They do nothing to explain the story.

2) Hook! or lack thereof. NOthing in that first paragraph grabs the attention (except the dinobus - quality EE). If its in the 3rd paragraph, it should be in the first.

3) If you are going to include background detail then you run the risk of needing to quantify it. This is hard, I know. The problem is you end up answering with specifics, which end up seeming like needless infodumping. So Faina's 'blood money from an unknown benefactor' is a real nasty generalization as it opens up a number of questions you haven't spent time answering. There must be a better way to, in one sentance, sum up Faina's situation. Get this right and people immediately have an idea of who she is, and may start having an emotional connection to her (should her plight be that bad)

4) Your 'voice'. It's getting lost in names and cliche's. 'body count begins to rise', 'look at her in a new light', 'Unlike anything anyone has encountered'. Ick! This is your shot to show the reader an idea of what's going to be in your novel. If you're query is clogged with names and cliche's they will assume your book is.

On the positive side though you've almost grasped what you need for your query, the format is fine, you could even stretch to another sentance or 2 to get some more information in there that adds to the plot, points out conflict etc etc.

I'm sorry, but Superbus Tyrannus made me giggle (and as I was scrolling by and saw that pic, I thought this was going to be some quirky kids' book - not that I have a problem with that ;-)).

Also, I don't think there's enough detail to here to get an idea of who Lord Ash or Faina are. Is Lord Ash going to this part of the empire simply because of the body count and to get Sorrow? Or does he have another motive, and he can use the murders as a convenient excuse to be there?

And what about Faina? Why does Lord Ash suspect her of being Sorrow? Does he find her hovering over one or more of the bodies? Or is there other evidence that points to her? These questions might not have to be put into your query, but it might help you get an idea as to which direction you want to take here.

This could be interesting (in fact, I liked the idea in the list, and you unfortunately took it! ;-)), but I think you'll need a little more detail to get asked for partials and fulls.

And I think you need to lose the Superbus Tyrannus or whatever it is; to me, it just too distracting and sounds too silly.

FWIW.

Good luck!

~jerseygirl

Always suspected God was a boob man.

I almost did the chili spew on that line from EE as well, blogless.

Author, I too got lost almost completely in the long paragraph. The only thing really concrete I took away was that Vincent and ummm the other vampire are going to go at it. And Anastasia is around somehow and important.

Are the first two paragraphs all set up?

Shame on you, EE, shame.
There were two blue collar types installing my new washing machine when I read this line: [May I send you my 300,000-word manuscript, If I Did It?] ...
Do you know how embarrassing it is to get the giggles with deliverymen staring at you?

Now about the plot: how does the Angel of Death get knocked out for 4000 years and people still continue to die?

Plot #5 is funny. Plot #4 sounds like a future bestseller. This one...doesn't grab me. It sounds like testimony from my neighbor's divorce. The only question left is who's going to get custody of the kids?

Clearly, everything can't be explained in a query, but there are a couple of questions that it may do well to address:

As the original vampire, does he sire the race of vampires? Or does God create more vampires from disobedient angels and they sire other vampires and that's why war breaks out?

What keeps him from transforming Anastasia into a vampire to share eternity with him? Doesn't she love him enough to want to be turned? There certainly must be something else special about her if she can see him when she shouldn't.

How does a search for answers lead to war? A search for weapons of mass destruction, yes. But answers to a vampire murder? I'd be surprised it took so long for a murder to happen.

I don't understand the Anastasia theory thing at all. Sorry. Is Annie reincarnated twice? The first time after the war breaks out and the second time after Vince wakes up 1000 years later? Or just once, and Vlad, thinking Vince might wake up again, turns Annie's first reincarnation and makes her a vampire -- is that what you mean by "foster?"

And your last sentence - I'm absolutely clueless what that means.

Five millenia pass during the course of the story. It may help to mention when and where Vince meets Annie. Crete or Syria or Egypt around 3000 BC?

I've heard over and over from agents and editors in their blogs and other advice sites to not write queries or synopses from a character's POV. The general consensus seems to be that it's gimmicky and frowned upon and the sure sign of a novice who hasn't done enough industry research. If there's a secret handshake that sets you apart as an amateur, this is it. While it seems novel to you because you hardly ever see it attempted, there's a reason it's hardly ever attempted - and it isn't pretty.

If I Did It - killer!

I can't read EE that much anymore during the day. My kids see the clipart and it's like, "Mom, what's he doing with his eyes?" or "Is that blood squirting out of his eyes?"

Good to be back.

Agree that GTP 4 sounds like a bestseller.

I tried my hand at writing a query in first person. I was advised against it, and I believe rightly so.

I wanted to know why Anastasi could see him. Not merely that she could and then all of a sudden they're having a love affair.

I couldn't take seriously the line about God's anger about him choosing a woman--also thought the boobs were funny!

Cheers,

I've said it before, but I could live a happy life if I never saw another vampire named Vincent. Or Vladimir, for that matter, but he's practically Canon.

Otherwise, this sounded pretentious and intentionally obtuse, which is the opposite of what you want. You're erring on the side of motivations, when you might do better with events.

This premise reminded me somewhat of Storm Constantine's Grigori series, in feel if not in details. I actually think this could make a workable vampire paranormal romance series, but the query letter doesn't give the details of the book's plot.

The issue of the vampire war-- why it started, etc.-- would probably be best left out of the query. The background info isn't bad to have in this case, IMO, but there is way too much of it. Perhaps just tell us the vampire war is on and that Anastasia is his reincarnated lover and how she fits in. to me, the implication is that this is going to be a paranormal romance because it sounds like the many of them I've read in recent years. So that leads me to expect to hear what Anastasia and Vlad are going to be doing, and also to hear something about Anastasia's pov as well.

Any chance this is the Vincent from New Beginning 338?

If so, the 'straight, yellow' vs. 'straight but yellow' teeth question may working its way toward a conclusion.

Okay. Lots of implied drama and strange capitalization choices. But no actual drama. I gather from reading this that the actual story is Walter goes someplace to rescue Lydia. That and the complications that arise in the quest are your story.

I think what's happened is you are listing a bunch of cool elements from the book, but not the story. What you get is chaos and the impression that you as a writer don't know what your story actual IS.

95,000 words, dark, literary fantasy with epic overtone.

That sounds like a wine description:
"Modest apple and citrus flavors with hints of underripe nectarine, finishing with a burst of peach overtones."

Let's try something like a hook:
The Pale Queen ... ... (that's a little bland)

The Pasty-Faced Queen of Temeres (a land of unreality) kidnaps Lydia planning to use her virginal innocence to restore the Dead Gods to power. Can Walter save his sister in the magic realm, or ...

Sorry about the cheap clown makeup, but the villian needs more than the adjective "pale" possible, porcelain or limestone or marbled.

You have nice imagery and I like your names of people and places, but the quantity is overwhelming in the short space of a query. What might help is to clearly lay out at least two plot points in the quest that send the main character(s) off in a different direction, the last one leading to the conclusion, of course.

I'm not crazy about your title--using pronouns in a title really turns me off. Who is "her" supposed to be? It makes me feel lame to say "Her Dress is Darkness;" how could I admit to reading such a book? I would have to sew a book jacket for it, like those ladies that read erotic romance at the DMV.

Better titles might be...
"The Dress of Darkness," or "The Pasty-Faced Witch," but don't try "She and He in the Innocent Woods"

Hi author,

I've just read this through a few times - by the way - I really like your title - and, while I agree with EE (and I'm sure he's just so highly relieved to hear that), that you may have some overwrought prose here, it seems this 'wouldbe 7:54 pm' person has distilled your solution down pretty well for you.

The description in your query sounds a little like the movie trailers/commercials you see on TV - and I think I just read somewhere in the past few days - to listen to movie trailers to get a feel for what a query should "sound" like. And your query has me thinking the retort for that one is, 'and maybe not'.

You've got quite a bit of interesting stuff here - it just maybe needs a different definition here. I don't pretend to have the answer. I just think you need to try again - step back- take a look at your book - and maybe draw it down to the essence 'wouldbe' talked about. Obviously this has to be well-written and engaging, but maybe pared back is better. (In the words of the great and powerful EE, regarding adjectives: 'The more you use them the less powerful they are'.) I think he's right.

I agree with aj about the title. And giving us more of the story would help too.

However, "nothing is as it seems" is a pet peeve of mine and a query killer, because it signals the author is being lazy, or hasn't thought things through. There's always something that is as it seems, even if it's just a single pebble buried under some leaves at the top of a hill, which may or may not also be a kangaroo. You can't get anything done in a world where nothing is at it seems because everyone's worried about whether the air they just breathed was really air, and the hospital is always full of people who inhaled a tangerine by mistake. Of course, it's not really a hospital...

Blogless troll -- i spewed my salad all over my computer and... well lets just say you owe me a salad and a new pair of Depends.


i agree with you about that line, too. it makes me mad because the author is trying to say that the reader won't have sense enough to guess at what might be going on.

sometimes it is a shock (in a good story), but often it is not.

otherwise, i agree with changing the title.

i didn't care for the strange names of people and places. for me, they are too hard to keep track of when reading a story if EVERY person place and thing has a strange name.

IMHO

Loved 1 (is she a cousin of Gomez and Morticia Addams?) and 6 - "magical Shears of Endor" bwahaha!

dark, literary fantasy with epic overtone

Why don't you just simplify it by saying it's dark fantasy?

Walter discovers an evil lurking beneath the shroud of the old Priory, an evil rooted in magic and Making, buried in his forgotten bloodline.

I read this sentence several times, and kept getting snagged on Making - why is it capitalized? Is it a place of some sort? What sort of place is it?

I think there's a story lurking within this query, but I think you've thrown too much stuff into the mix - a lot of it can be simplified, although you might want to give us a very brief idea as to the people and places in the other world (after all, the other world is from your imagination).

Good luck with it!

~jerseygirl

For others it's a refreshing beverage.... Evil, I really want to steal that line and use it somewhere! ROFL!

Author, this may be a decent book, and obviously vampire mysteries are selling these days; but the query letter is all background and description of angst. I would like to know up front what the main plot is and the main character's conflict/relationship with the 'sick bastard' is.

You start off talking about Jackie and her psychic partner, Laurel. Then you make Nick out to be the killer, then switch to telling us that Nick isn't the killer. Whoa. That's just confusing.

It sounds like Nick is the protag, not Jackie. Or maybe the pov switches between the two of them? In either case, you set me up to think Nick is the bad guy and then just start talking about Nick and his background, tossing in the real bad guy/sick bastard as an 'oh by the way' mention.

I think you have the main points necessary to make a good letter, but you need to put them in better order.

Sounds like a workable plot, though.

I could live a happy life if I never saw another vampire named some iteration of "Drake"...could just be me though. I think your query will be fine if you address EE's comments. The story seems essentially sound. I automatically question anyone claiming to provide a "different take" on vampires because I've seen about four million versions of them and none of them stand out as particularly novel...Mr. Stoker excepted, of course. If you do have some really unique element, it could only help you to mention it. (Not mentioning like "I have a neat new element"...mentioning like "They have feathers!")

"Jackie has spent her ten years in the bureau catching sociopaths, poor substitutes for the one she was never able to catch as a child."

I can't help but wonder why they weren't better sociopaths -- just didn't live up to their potential?

There you go, writtenwyrd, saying all the good stuff.

Author, to me it felt like you were walking around the plot rather than through it. Were you trying to preserve a sense of mystery? And as a result it does come out convoluted and confusing. You might consider rewriting it straight from the protag's (whoever it is) viewpoint and don't try to twist things around in the query letter. Save that for the actual book.

And I'd be happy if I never saw another "life falls apart" and riddled with guilt"...
150's right, Author, you have to show the agent you have a different take, not just claim it.

"Jackie has spent her ten years in the bureau catching sociopaths, poor substitutes for the one she was never able to catch as a child."

she tried to catch sociopaths as a child?? what?

and all it did was play twister. maybe her game of twister got a little too twisted??

ohh, i loved the GTPs! i was hoping the story was 2 or 3. hey, can i write those stories or is everyone already on that bandwagon?

hey, why do you keep calling him a sick bastard, anyway?

what's a little blood-letting between friends these days. c'mom, it's all the rage in LA now. or is that just me...

i have to say that despite the twisted up query letter, i'd be tempted to read this. i think it would make a great bedtime story.

And congratulations, EE, on the 400th Face Lift.
Your minions thank you. They are invaluable.

What's EE editing in the clip art?

Hey 150 did you happen to read the S.E. Hinton, "Hawk Harbor" (I think that was the title) vampire book a few years back? I enjoyed it.
Whoever wrote GTPs #3 and #5 should flesh out those story lines and write, write, write. They both sound great. Obviously, Tommy and Marcie enjoy his "hard" times. And "Spanky Spore" heh,heh.

Author --

PI Nick Anderson was the sick bastard that Jackie and her psychic partner, Laurel suspected of killing the boy. -- I think present tense would work better for both verbs.
Only, he knows who the real killer is, and knows that the FBI is no match for him. -- the use of "only" here would be more effective if it were the 2nd clause of a more complex sentence.

Nick knows because he has the same need of the killer... -- the same need as the killer?

Nick has been chasing the killer for 140 years now, riddled with guilt over the death of his family and what he allowed himself to become in order to catch him. Ah, Nick is a vampire! Why didn't you just say that 3 paragraphs ago? Or does Nick just have really, really good longevity genes?

When Drake makes Laurel one of his victims, Jackie’s life begins to fall apart, and despite his best efforts to push her away, Nick finds that he needs her help if Drake is going to be caught. -- it's two, two sentences in one! I'd suggest a "." after "apart" Also, one sentence that contains the names of four characters that I barely know seems a bit much.
And finally: can someone state that plot in one sentence, please?

just a few more comments, then i'll shut up.

PI Nick Anderson was the sick bastard that Jackie and her psychic partner, Laurel suspected of killing the boy.

So I guess the psychic didn’t know it was the wrong guy, or that any of these guys are vampires? Is Laurel’s real name Sister Stella – because I think I paid $20 for a reading from her in Austin. It sucked.

Only, he knows who the real killer is, and knows that the FBI is no match for him.

Is no match for whom? Nick? The sick bastard? Or is nick still the sick bastard in the story? Let’s give the sick bastard a name, shall we?


Laurel is the only agent who knows her past, (no comma here) and has enabled Jackie to keep it from boiling over into her current life.
as opposed to her past life? Wait, is she a vampire too? I wanna be a vampire! Wouldn’t you like to be a vampire, too? Is she a toys-r-us kid, too?

Nick has been chasing the killer for 140 years now, (instead of before or later) riddled with guilt over the death of his family and what he allowed himself to become in order to catch him.
Catch who? There are too many pronouns to keep all these sick bastards straight.

He refuses to be the one thing that will allow him (WHO???) to catch Cornelius Drake.

Their trust for one another is pushed to the ultimate limit
As opposed to the semi-soft limit – where EE sits when he has the chance to make a PMS joke about women and doesn’t. chicken.

I, too, wrote a GTP about a refrigerator. But #6 puts mine to shame.

-mb

Before I go and cook dinner, I want to make a statement about complex plots.

The most complex plot I know of - - one that has two, very different story lines - vastly different storylines is the movie DIVA. the movie's been showing on cable.

This is the blurb on IMDB:
Young Parisian mail courier is content with his bohemian lifestyle, his circle of friends and listening to opera, particularly one exceptional American diva who refuses to be recorded. So enamored with her, he makes an illegal tape of her at a concert. But when the tape is confused with one implicating a police chief with the mob, he must use all his ingenuity to survive.

So please, take a gander, watch the movie (or read the novel it came from) and then try to improve these few words.

Why do you have to do 100,000 facelifts, EE? Is that the only way you can redeem yourself from the ancient curse that haunts you? Or does the fate of humanity depend upon it?

Congrats on #400, EE.

You're on fire again- "refreshing beverage". Yeah. And "I don't think I've ever received a query letter in which the term "sick bastard" was used so often so early".

Author,

It seems like you're trying to make your manuscript sound interesting enough to grab the attention of the reader/agent without giving any key plot details away. I tried that as well.
It didn't work for me.

I think your book sounds interesting- vampires have been fascinating for a long time. I don't ever want to be bitten, by anyone, ever, but somehow reading about someone else's bites doesn't seem to bother me at all. Loved reading Bram Stoker's Dracula. And recently, I read another vampire manuscript that was, well, freaking steamy.

Anyway, I think you may have to tell more of the actual story, to separate yourself from the other vampire books out there. At least, that's what I'm told.

Best of luck.

I once had two rats named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. I would read GTP #6. If it were written by Tom Stoppard.

Woot! #400 EE!

This query could use some focus and tightening. There seems to be a lot here that doesn't need to be here in favor of what does. Main thing missing, as has been pointed out, is what makes your vampire different? 100 years is a long time to be in denial. You hint that Nick somehow allowed himself to be made a vampire simply so he could continue his manhunt for Drake. But is that what makes him different? I'm not feeling it so much.

But here are some things that can go in order to make room for elaborating on the "wow!" stuff that's going to make an agent...um...bite.

The "should appeal to..." sentence can go. You've said what the genre is and acknowledged the agent is looking for just that kind of thing.

The "dark" and "emotionally troubled" character stuff can go to. Call it a dark paranormal suspense and the query reader will get it.

Laurel is a subplot. I don't even know if Laurel is male or female. But s/he's not really doing anything in this query other than taking up space.

Jackie's past can hit the road, too. You don't elaborate on it, so you don't draw us into it. Don't know what it is + you don't tell me = I don't care. At least not in the query.

So, bubbled down and tightened up, something like:

Dear Agent:

I read on your blog you are actively seeking dark paranormal suspense. A COLD, DARK PLACE, complete at 118,000 words, offers a vampire of a different sort: one who [doesn't brood and isn't full of angst - obviously not, so stick in right up front why Nick is different].

When PI Nick Anderson is fingered as the person last seen with a [homeless] boy who just turned up as a blood-drained corpse, FBI agent Jackie Rutledge naturally makes Nick her prime suspect. Nick didn't do it, but he knows who did. And he's been tracking the killer for 140 years. It was then vampire Cornelius Drake massacred Nick's family, leaving Nick barely alive, filled with guilt, and with one goal: revenge. But as the years drew on and he was no closer to his family's killer, he sought in desperation for the one thing that would put him on the same playing field as Drake. He allowed himself to be turned. And he's regretted [what about it] ever since.

But now Jackie's bureau partner winds up dead by Drake's hand, and Jackie's own personal demons have her chasing down the killer - with Nick beside her. When Drake traps the two of them [where], only one option for survival remains. One that failed 140 years ago, but just might work today. Nick must accept what he is, turn Jackie into that self-same nightmare, and take them both over to the world of the dead where Drake has even more power - and only [whatever] can defeat him.

Theo,

He has to do 100,000 FaceLifts 'cause he can never go away.

I'd like to think that number is a confirmation of this important fact.

Robin

The question shouldn't be why do I have to do 100,000. It should be, Why are you quitting so soon?

Dave:

I've never seen Diva, but from what I've found about it from searching the web (say, this), its plot doesn't sound nearly as complex as a number of things I've seen. Serial Experiments Lain, for example (even ignoring its length). :) Sounds more of a "Dark City" complexity, perhaps even as much as a "Donnie Darko" (doubtful, but perhaps), but not as much as an "End of Evangelion" (which had a pamphlet released to correspond with the movie (the 'Red Cross Book') to help viewers make sense of it).

But hey, I probably shouldn't judge a movie by a synopsis. :) And your main point still stands, because if I really tried, I could still come up with a hook for those.

I've heard rumors that vampire stories have recently proliferated to the ad nauseum point, so agents are now looking for all things "paranormal" without vampires. But that might be wrong.

Your minions thank you. They are invaluable.

Thank you, Bernita, for the nice plug. Right now, however, I am not in valuable. I am in Minneapolis.

They have feathers!

Oh, cool. Dracula meets The Birdcage! Not sure I'd read it, but I'd watch the Showtime series.

So Nick should be a werewolf?

Also, another vampire.

I missed this in the first reading of the GTPs. Brilliant, EE. Simply brilliant.

I am thrilled to learn that someone had two rats named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

REI,
There are other examples of oddly complex stories that require "out-of-the-box" hooks and plot descriptions.

It's like describing Dostoyevski's "Crime and Punishment" by its title. It's too pat, too easy. It doesn't do justice to the eloquence of the story.

I once read a critical review of William Styron's "Sophie's Choice" as A southern boy loses his virginity to a survivor of the Nazi death camps. and that, is not what Styron wrote.

These tiny, three or four sentence plot summaries are hard to write. They require a certain imagination and Savoir-Faire. I find it useful to see what others write of plots that I know and understand.

Dear Roger...bite me.

150 - "feathers" - OMG good thing my chai wasn't ready yet.

phoenix - awesome rewrite!

word ver - tbmwtowr - a famous castle in wales.

I see nothing here that would make this novel stand apart from the 100,000 other vampire novels involving a dead body drained of blood, tortured "I don't wanna be a vampire" vampires, and cops/agents/etc.

With the glut of vampire mysteries on the market, you're going to have to have something outstanding... and this doesn't seem to have that.

Word verification: clotsy

Now that's just funny, given the subject at hand.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I've had a hell of a time getting this query put together in a non-convoluted manner, and also trying to work in how the vampires in this story aren't your typical gothic sort of vamps. Phoenix, your feedback has been especially helpful, so extra kudos to you. Most of the points everyone made here are valid, and hopefully will help me end up with a more concise and interesting query.

As for the unique bit. When we die, the doorway opens to the other side and one's 'soul' is pulled across to the other side. If the will to live is sufficiently strong, one can prolong this normally instantaneous effect for a few moments, however if one consumes the blood of another during this time, the other side draws the spiritual energy from this and one is able to keep that doorway to the world of the dead open as it were. Keeping the doorway open allows one to draw power from the world of the dead, thus the vampires greater than ordinary powers. Drink enough blood and one can literally cross over to the other side and tap into more energy by consuming the souls that reside there.

Because he's never consumed enough blood to realize this, Nick has never been able to best Cornelius. At the end, Jackie has to let him drink her to the verge of death in order to open up the doorway enough to draw them through and save them from the trap set by Cornelius.

Anyway, thanks again everyone. Now I'll see what I can come up with for a new query.

JDuncan
www.jimnduncan.com