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Good Morning:

Well...here it is January 11th already. They say "time flies when you're having fun", but I beg to differ. Time is passing me by swiftly and I can assure you I am not having any fun. The last six months have been the hardest and most depressing time in my life, yet, when I look back over the course of that time, it seems like just yesterday that everything fell apart. I have, and am continuing, to stop by my blog as often as time allows. I miss my blog world. It's full of caring and fun people, beautiful artwork and delicious recipes and photos. I have made friends through this electronic journaling system. Friends that email me their best wishes and even send me Christmas presents and Christmas cards. All of which were truly appreciated and helped me make it through this terrible holiday season.

Originally, I started this blog for two reasons...1) I love to write and journal and 2) To promote my artwork. By accident alone, it's turned into so much more than that. There's a community here. Groups of folks who promote each other's artwork and blogs. People who support each other during dark times. It's rather curious, to say the least, that you can get to know someone without physically touching them, hearing their voice or even smelling them. It's a modern day oddity, but it's a lovely reality all at once.

I recently had a look back at some of my old blog posts. They were full of flowers and lightness and color. How I miss those Spring mornings snapping photos of dew drops on my garden, with the intentions of showing those photos on my blog. It was my way of sharing the sights and sounds and smells of my garden with my blog friends.
How I miss stopping by my friends' blogs and enjoying their lives.

I had no intentions of blogging about my troubles this morning when I woke up. But, I feel so lonely and detatched from everyone and everything that my heart drew me here. So....I will share just a little of the last 6 months with you. Not so you will feel sorry for me, not so you will take pity on me. I don't want to be "poor poor Kim". But I will share a little with you because you're my friends and I need someone to talk to.

Alright, here it is. About six months ago, my mom took a fall. We already knew she had an end stage disease and was weak. This particular disease can cause Gastrointestinal bleeding, which is why my mom was weak. She was bleeding internally but didn't realize it. When she was released from the hospital, she was put on hospice care. My husband and I became responsible for the costs that she couldn't cover. She's a senior on a very limited budget and we have always helped her cover her extra. But the hospital copay and ambulance copay were more than we expected. It had to be paid before she could go onto hospice care. So...we paid it. The only money we had to pull from was our mortgage money. And that's when the landslide started. We went into default on the house and are still desperately trying to keep our home. We are on countless payment plans with our utilities and are constantly trying to keep our electricity on. Our home phone and cell phones have been turned off and we are using "Tracfones". They're little cell phones that you buy and pay seperately for your minutes. I've been forced to sell some of my dearest treasures and my husband is rabidly trying to find a better paying job. At the moment, we are struggling to keep our car insurance paid for so my husband can safely drive to work and back. Our house is quiet these days. Too quiet. Quiet with worry. My husband and I have had some personal struggles through our 20 years together, but never anything like this. There's so much resentment and panic and guilt. I feel guilty because I chose to stay home with my kids and homeschool them from the beginning. Had I taken a job many years ago, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. My husband is guilt-ridden due to the fact that he feels like he can't support his own family.

It just seems like once you get into a position like this, you can't pull yourselves out. The later your bills are, the higher the penalties. We just missed having our water turned off this last Tuesday. I sold just enough art work on ebay to run to the water company and pay the bill in person. That money was suppose to be for food. It's a big hideous Merry Go Round from Hell.

So, we're struggling along within this all-consuming night-mare....and my mom calls me last Monday: she's fallen again. I knew that she had been weak over the last week or so and a little confused. I informed her hospice nurse, and we were keeping a close eye on her. She managed to fall in her bathroom and make her way back to her bed. I made my way over there to find her confused and pale. I called her hospice nurse and he came right over. She was dehydrated. We decided to call 911 and get her to the hospital to replenish her fluids. Another Emergency room co-pay, another hospital stay and another ambulance co-pay. She ended up by being severly dehydrated, has pnemonia and a urinary tract infection. Off to the pharmacy to buy her antibiotics. She's here now. Coming along fairly well, but weak. I'm having a really hard time taking care of her right now because I'm so overwhelmed and depressed I can hardly pull myself out of bed in the morning.

Now, I know that families and folks have their ups and downs, and believe me, we've had our share of downs through the years, but nothing like this.

The hardest part for me is the fact that my faith has been shaken to the bone. I have never felt so betrayed by God before. I've had my heart broken many times through my life but never by God. I feel abandoned and alone and I don't think he is paying me any mind at all. I never realized how hard it would be to get up in the morning without God in your life. I reckon that's because I never thought he would leave me. People tell me he's still with me, but I don't feel it. I can't find him in anything I do anymore. There's a complete emptiness and silence. Even through past struggles, I could always feel him sort of hanging around, keeping me strong and hopeful. I do believe he's left me now and I want him to come back, but he doesn't seem to hear me. Is it in his glorious plan for my family, my children, to be homeless? Is it in his glorious plan for this family to fall apart? I can't make any sense out of any of this.

We are in the position that we're in because we helped my mom. Because we did what we thought we should. She has no one else to help her. I'm her daughter and I did the best I could. Now, my family is running the risk of losing everything. What kind of sense does that make?

Please, let me take this opportunity to apologize if I offended anyone with my ramblings about God. I surely didn't mean to. I am just a sad and desperate girl looking for answers and hope...

Thank you so much for continuing to stop by my blog. And thank you for understanding why I haven't been able to peek into your blog worlds as much as I would like to.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little better. I have some pictures of my newest work to post, but I'm too tired for that right now.

Until Next Time:
Kim
Garden Painter Art