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By Susan David

We humans are funny. Often we create beliefs or engage in behaviors that seem to help us in the short term, only to discover they get in the way of the lives we really want to live, or the people we want to become.

Allow me to share the story of my friend, Erin. Over lunch one day, she told both her mentor and me about a division director job she had truly wanted. The role offered good challenges, the chance to develop her skills, fabulous travel, and unparalleled flexibility. It would have been “a dream come true”.

But then Erin began to recite a litany of reasons why she hadn’t gone after the job. She wasn’t good in interviews, having never received the coaching that so many candidates are privy to these days. She was overweight, which would surely make a poor impression. On top of all this, due to the economic downturn, many people more qualified than she would apply. She thought she’d be great at the job if she could have made it beyond the interview, but all things considered, she “knew” she hadn’t stood a chance.

“So I never applied,” she told us. “Instead, I sent the advertisement to a peer and encouraged him to interview.” She paused. “He got the job.”

How was it that this bright, hardworking, lovely young woman also had such an aptitude for self-sabotage?

There are plenty of smart, even gifted, people like Erin. They are bonded by a common behavior psychologists call “self-handicapping,” which involves anticipating a real or imagined obstacle that might get in the way of success, and using that obstacle as an excuse.

Self-handicapping allows us to protect ourselves from the pain of assuming responsibility for our failures, and people do it all the time. In a groundbreaking 1978 study, psychologists Berglas and Jones found that participants who “succeeded” at a test (that was really just luck-based) were more likely to choose to take a performance-inhibiting drug before taking a second test. In other words, they actively set themselves up for failure on the second try. By doing this, they could blame their subsequent poor performance on the drug, and also protect their earlier feeling of success.

In a more recent set of experiments conducted by psychologist Sean McCrea at the University of Konstanz in Germany, participants were asked to take several intelligence tests under a variety of conditions. The research showed that people who were encouraged to make excuses for their poor performance — blaming poor performance on loud noises, for example — maintained high self-esteem, but were also less motivated to improve.

This kind of behavior is often so subtle and habitual that we don’t notice we’re doing it. Think about the manager who has to give a big presentation and fails to practice ahead of the event, or people who procrastinate on work projects and wind up “not having enough time” to do a good job. In a 2010 HBR article, Jeffrey Pfeffer identified self-handicapping as one of three major barriers to building professional power: people avoid the pain of failure by never trying to build power in the first place.

What can you do to overcome self-handicapping? Here are four steps:

1. Watch for the warning signs. Drawing down your efforts, generating lists of excuses, or distracting yourself (music, alcohol, etc.) are signs that you’re engaging in self-handicapping. Everyone needs to take breaks and manage energy during the work day, but these activities can be clues that you are veering onto the trail of self-sabotage. A mentor or colleague can often help steer you back on course.
2. Use “what-ifs” and “if-onlys” to help you generate goals instead of excuses. Research shows that the thinking people engage in during self-handicapping can just as easily be flipped to be motivational. When you ponder what could have gone better, or recognize obstacles in your way, you generate valuable information. Identify factors within your control, and see what you can do about them. Erin, for example, could have responded to the thought “I’m not great in interviews” by researching the right skills, practicing them, and requesting support from her mentor.
3. Recognize and manage your negative emotions. Research shows that when we use our “if-onlys” to motivate rather than excuse ourselves, we will also likely experience negative emotions, such as disappointment and self-directed anger . If you can notice these emotions and be kind to yourself in working through them, you’re more likely to be able to move into positive, empowering behavior.
4. Go for mastery. Self-handicapping is most likely to kick in when we are trying to perform well in order to avoid negative feedback from external sources, such as criticism from colleagues. When we focus instead on developing mastery in a domain we care about, we tap into our inherent motivation to learn and grow. Recognize what matters to you, and brainstorm ideas to get yourself moving in that direction.

Going for what you really want takes considerable courage. Let’s face it, even when you put forth your best effort, things don’t always turn out as you would like. But by taking a risk you open yourself not only to the possibility of failure, but also the possibility of learning, growth, and real attainment. It’s up to you to decide which is more perilous: the risk of disappointment, or the risk of never reaching your potential.

Reprinted with permission from Harvard Business Reveiw.  This blog was originally published here.

Susan David is co-editor of the Oxford Handbook of Happiness (due out in January 2013) with Ilona Boniwell and Amanda Conley Ayers. Susan is is a founder and co-director of the Harvard/McLean Institute of Coaching and a member of the Harvard faculty. She is also the director of Evidence Based Psychology, a leadership development organization and management consultancy.

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The post New year’s resolution: don’t sabotage yourself appeared first on OUPblog.

Ok,

So I’ve been living in Los Angeles for six years now! Wow! Time just flies when your having fun, or surviving is how I feel personally. How do I feel about Los Angeles? Hmmm… very love/hate relationship. There are aspects about Hollywood you can’t get anywhere else. There are also things about the city most people will never encounter. It’s a tough place period. People are struggling to make ends meet, pay the bills, and keep up in this never-ending rat race. As a young person growing up in Los Angeles, I know personally, it’s an easy place to loose yourself. People desperately want the answer and solution to all their problems, and are often willing to pay an arm and leg to do so. If you don’t know yourself, you can easily cash in to adopt someone’s belief system, praying it will work out for you as it did for them. It’s also a money-making city. “Well, besides you sending me out,  how can I get myself out there?” I ask my agent. “Casting Director workshops.” She answers. “But those cost money!” I naively protest. ” Honey, welcome to Los Angeles.” She answers kindly. Narcissism is emphasized, competition is fierce, and people constantly thrive on one-upping one another.

Now, to some, I may sound pessimistic, negative, and judgmental. I get it. I understand. But as a person, if you meant me, I’m known to others as friendly, kind, positive, talented, honest, with a big, warm heart. My heart has helped me in many ways, and led me to several lucky breaks. However, as a kid growing up here, it made me vulnerable, naive, and led me into some pretty crappy situations that I genuinely feel would not have happened had I lived somewhere else. It’s a cold city. I’ve had many moments when everything in my life went dark, I only had one or two people who stuck by me. When Everything in life was great, you bet your bottom I had everybody in my life and then some! When your exposed to that, being so young, yes it can make you very cynical and wary of people afterwards. 

Not that I wasn’t fair-warned. My best friend at the time took a special trip with me down to Los Angles, really showing me how it is, to warn me about moving to this city. I almost didn’t come. But something in me had to discover this big bad place. And I did it. Oh boy! Was I thrown around or what! But, at the same token, by encountering so many rough obstacles and seemingly impossible situations, I was challenged to hold onto myself. Only my spirit and goodness could have enabled me to survive. Los Angeles, in all of its badness and falsities gave me the greatest gift in the world. It forced me to discover who I truly am in the face of adversity. A friend of mine once referred to Los Angles as the wild wild west. And he was right. It truly is. 

Ok,

So I’ve been living in Los Angeles for six years now! Wow! Time just flies when your having fun, or surviving is how I feel personally. How do I feel about Los Angeles? Hmmm… very love/hate relationship. There are aspects about Hollywood you can’t get anywhere else. There are also things about the city most people will never encounter. It’s a tough place period. People are struggling to make ends meet, pay the bills, and keep up in this never-ending rat race. As a young person growing up in Los Angeles, I know personally, it’s an easy place to loose yourself. People desperately want the answer and solution to all their problems, and are often willing to pay an arm and leg to do so. If you don’t know yourself, you can easily cash in to adopt someone’s belief system, praying it will work out for you as it did for them. It’s also a money-making city. “Well, besides you sending me out,  how can I get myself out there?” I ask my agent. “Casting Director workshops.” She answers. “But those cost money!” I naively protest. ” Honey, welcome to Los Angeles.” She answers kindly. Narcissism is emphasized, competition is fierce, and people constantly thrive on one-upping one another.

Now, to some, I may sound pessimistic, negative, and judgmental. I get it. I understand. But as a person, if you meant me, I’m known to others as friendly, kind, positive, talented, honest, with a big, warm heart. My heart has helped me in many ways, and led me to several lucky breaks. However, as a kid growing up here, it made me vulnerable, naive, and led me into some pretty crappy situations that I genuinely feel would not have happened had I lived somewhere else. It’s a cold city. I’ve had many moments when everything in my life went dark, I only had one or two people who stuck by me. When Everything in life was great, you bet your bottom I had everybody in my life and then some! When your exposed to that, being so young, yes it can make you very cynical and wary of people afterwards. 

Not that I wasn’t fair-warned. My best friend at the time took a special trip with me down to Los Angles, really showing me how it is, to warn me about moving to this city. I almost didn’t come. But something in me had to discover this big bad place. And I did it. Oh boy! Was I thrown around or what! But, at the same token, by encountering so many rough obstacles and seemingly impossible situations, I was challenged to hold onto myself. Only my spirit and goodness could have enabled me to survive. Los Angeles, in all of its badness and falsities gave me the greatest gift in the world. It forced me to discover who I truly am in the face of adversity. A friend of mine once referred to Los Angles as the wild wild west. And he was right. It truly is. 

In response to a Baby Center Toddler Bulletin entitled, "How To Raise A Reader", I'm revisiting a post I wrote in May, entitled "Once Upon A Time" I hope you enjoy both articles!

5/16/07
Once Upon a Time ...


Billy's eyes filled with tears, as he plop down.

He wiped back the tears, but still wore a frown.

His face felt hot, he was mad as could be.

He could not believe Mom took his T.V.

She said, "Billy, you will not watch T.V. during the day."

"Now, go read a book, or go out and play."

(from my manuscript Billy Board and the Reading Glasses)



When my son was born , I was a scared young person, who hadn't the slightest idea what to do with a newborn. In fact, if it hadn't been for a copy of Mother Goose’s Nursery Rhymes, from a friend; his first night at home would have been a disaster, since it was the rhythm of the words that helped get him to sleep.

I read him his first book, two days after he was born, and then introduced him to a more grown up group of friends in Peter Pan, Wendy, and Winnie the Poo. We read about countless characters, in a variety of books, every year until he was old enough to read himself to sleep. I kept him on a routine, and read to him every night, as well as many times during the day; reading was one of our favorite pastimes. If you have not begun to read to your child, it is never too late, and there are many reasons why you should began. I'm glad I did.


One of his first books was, Goodnight Moon, crafted by means of Margaret Wise Brown’s elegant prose, a text that puts children and adults alike right in the mist of the story. I read Goodnight Moon every night during his entire colicky period of infancy. The years followed with Dr. Seuss, P.D. Eastman, E.B. White, and Old Yeller’s, Fred Gibson. Even after he was able to read on his own, I still read to him. He began to comfort himself with books, and rely on them to cope with many difficult situations. The characters and events in a good book are great examples of what to do and how to act in every situation. Teaching children that they are not alone, that we all experience similar situations, and that it is in the ways we react, that we differ.

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