How to use this Page

Seinfeld famously added a ton of terms to English, such as low talker, high talker, spongeworthy, and unshushables. It also made obscure terms into household words. Shrinkage and yada yada existed before Seinfeld, but it’s doubtful you learned them anywhere else.

Another successful Seinfeld term has gone under the radar: Jerk Store. The term was coined in “The Comeback,” when George is unselfconsciously stuffing his face with shrimp during a meeting. A co-worker sees George’s gluttony and says, “Hey, George, the ocean called. They’re running out of shrimp.” George is speechless, but later he crafts a comeback: “Oh yeah? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you.” The episode shows George going to absurd lengths to find a way to use his comeback, as well as his friends’ unwanted workshopping of the joke.

In a way, that workshopping has never ended—at least on Twitter, which is likely the largest collection of jokes, good and bad, by professionals and amateurs, ever created. Many of those jokes involve formulas, and the Jerk Store has become a popular one. On Twitter, every day is the Summer of George.

Most variations start with “The Jerk Store called,” which is as trusty a joke starter as “Relationship status:” and “When life hands you lemons.” From there, the joke can go just about anywhere. Comic Warren Holstein makes a food joke out of the formula: “The Jerk Store called but I couldn’t understand their thick Jamaican accents.” Matt Koff reveals what would likely happen to a real-life Jerk Store: “The Jerk Store called. It’s closing because it couldn’t compete with Amazon. :(“ Some use the formula to comment on politics: “The Jerk Store called; they’re no longer hiring because of fear of Obamacare mandates.” I particularly like this joke, which finds the funny in sadness: “The jerk store called. We didn’t chat for long but it was good to hear their voice. It was good to hear anyone’s voice. I’m so alone.”

Other tweeters abandon the formula when making Jerk Store jokes, like Laura Palmer: “I’m applying at the Jerk Store and I need references.” This holiday tweet sounds like perfect storm of jerkdom: “Looking forward to the Black Friday deals at the Jerk Store.” Food trends also get spoofed: “when will the jerk store start getting organic jerks. tired of getting these jerks full of gmos.” Here’s a particularly clever joke, playing on an annoying Frankenstein-related correction: “Actually, the jerk store’s monster called.”

This term/joke formula isn’t going anywhere for at least a few reasons. Seinfeld is still omnipresent in reruns, and I reckon the entire series is imprinted on the collective unconscious. Plus, the world is full of jerks. The following are some recent epistles from the Jerk Store to help you get through the polar jerk-tex. Jerk Store might never make the OED, but it’s one of the most successful joke franchises in the world.

The jerk store called, you left your credit card at the register. They are open until 8 if you want to pick it up today.

— Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) November 17, 2014

The Jerk Store called. They miss you. They love you. They just want you to come home.

— ben (@benicus_rex) November 13, 2014

The jerk store called. I didn't answer because I think it's unethical for jerks to be commodified & under a socialist system they'd be free

— thxgvng internet dad (@Fauxgyptian) September 15, 2014

O my sod, I am sorry for my sins w/ all my heart. In choosing to look out & failing to look within, I have ∞ voicemails from the jerk store

— lanyard (@lanyardigan) September 12, 2014

the jerk store called & they said that making television references from the 90s won’t stop the decay of all things. kind of a weird message

— dire dire deer (@m_kopas) November 17, 2014

I'm looking for a girl who's George at the Jerk Store and Elaine on the dance floor.

— Scott Dooley (@scottdools) August 23, 2014

The jerk store called. The v-necks are on backorder Chad.

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 8, 2014

The Jerk Store called, they're out of 30th anniversary DVDs with Steve Martin commentary

— Mattheim Sussroller (@suss2hyphens) May 18, 2014

The Jerk Store called…. again… [sigh]… dude, just give them back their shopping cart

— lemons (@respected_loner) June 28, 2014

Hey, the Jerk Store called, but there is a new Jerk Outlet out by the highway and they have much better prices let's go on Saturday.

— Trademarked Name™ (@rj_white) June 17, 2014

Who would even OPEN a jerk store?!

— |\/|∆®|{•├┤Ø%û5 (@markhoppus) October 31, 2014

Headline image credit: Seinfeld logo. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.

The post The Jerk Store called…and called and called appeared first on OUPblog.

        

Related Stories

• The Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year is…vape
• Yes? Yeah….
• Monthly etymology gleanings for November 2014

 

Revision is a bitch. I'm plugging away on Draft 7 of my WIP and it totally seems like a one-step-forward, two-steps-back endeavor. But there are tools that writers use to help during revision hell. Critique groups give valuable feedback. Outlining the plot chapter by chapter helps figure out pacing. Another tool writers use is to read their work out loud.  It helps them catch clunky dialog and

The latest season of Lost premiered on February 2nd, aka Groundhog Day. It was a joke, a cheeky clue for the audience. Because they introduced a major plot device in the premiere. It’s come to be known as the “flash-sideways” narrative and it’s essentially a big “what-if.” What if the characters had a chance to do it all over again? What if the circumstances were different – no island, no smoke monster, no Geronimo Jackson spinning on the turntable? What would have happened to these poorly reared, trigger-happy pawns of science and faith? The answer seems to be that their pesky destinies would have eventually tracked them down anyway. In a week, the series will come to a close, and hopefully we’ll have a better idea about what exactly is at play.  But if Lost peddles anything, it peddles ambiguity. And the faithful aren’t shy about hitting the bulletin boards to shout their opinions and theories. The internet might bust a spring or two in the hours after the finale.

I can say with a certain amount of confidence that most people will not be discussing Groundhog Day. The wink-wink-nudge-nudge premier date will be just another piece of Lost trivia, no more significant than the Hurley Bird. The date was a reference to the movie, of course, and on the surface it doesn’t seem to be much more than that. We’ve all seen the movie. A cynical weatherman played by Bill Murray lives the same day over again and again, until he finally gets it right and becomes a man who can love and play the piano.

I remember when Groundhog Day came out. It was a hit, though it barely beat forgettable fare like Dave and Cool Runnings at the box office. Critics thought it was enjoyable and clever, though they hardly thought it was earth-shattering. A better than average comedy – not much more. Over 15 years later, Groundhog Day has become not just a favorite of the revisionist cineast, but a genuine classic. The Writer’s Guild considers it the 27th greatest screenplay ever written. The New York Times even put it in a list of the Ten Best American Movies. Of the 1990s? No. Of all time! Say what you will about the existential implications of the film, about searching for meaning in our post-9/11 world. It makes for a good term paper, but I don’t think that’s the reason the film has gained such a following of late. The reason is TBS.

If you turned to the cable station TBS in the late 90’s and early 00’s, it’s likely you would have seen Groundhog Day on more than a few occasions. TBS syndicated it and played the grooves off the thing. Over time, the film worked its way into the DNA of many a channel surfer. The more familiar you became with it, the more you enjoyed it, because it was offering you the experience of its main character. You were living the film over again and again. You began to anticipate plot points (Ned Ryerson punch in 3, 2…), and the exact words and inflections of the dialogue (“Too early for flapjacks?” ”

As a pop culture addict, I rarely can resist a good list at the end of the year. Of course, this being December 2009, the media has been even more accommodating than usual — not only churning out the year-end coverage (watch for our own "Year... Read the rest of this post

To join in the Halloween spirit, here are some jokes from my first joke book, Greatest Goofiest Jokes.

What do ducks put in their windows at Halloween?
Quack-o-lanterns.

How do ghosts travel?
In fright trains.

What is a slime creature’s favorite movie?
The Wizard of Ooze.

Last week, Greg Pincus pointed out to our local writing community, a YouTube videoclip that he spotted on Anastasia Suen's blog, Create-Relate. I just about rolled off my chair laughing. I had saved it and just watched it again (this will definitely be my "laugh fix" list).

For those of you who haven't seen the Mitchell and Webb clip, take a look here. If you've ever had to deal with editorial revision letters or requests, you might find this quite amusing.

Those introverted ladies at Shrinking Violets Promotions sure know how to recognize a good title when they see one. I just found out that little old me won their most recent contest. Yippee! Oh, the joys of feeling validated! The contest was to use a book or song title and rewrite it from an introvert's perspective. What was my entry? Ahh, you must click here to find out!

Shiver me timbers, today not only be me dad’s birthday, but tis also “Talk Like a Pirate Day!” Grab yer eye patch, put some swagger in yer step and swig down a bottle of ...hmm, this is a children’s writing site...uh, apple juice.
To celebrate, here are some of my favorite pirate-related books and movies:

How I Became a Pirate by Melinda Long.
Peter Pan by by J. M. Barrie.
Pirateology by William Captain Lubber and Dugald A. Steer.
Pirate Mom by Deborah Underwood.

Movies:
Hook
Treasure Island
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (the only one of the trilogy that's worth a pirate's weight in gold, but ah, it be a grand one at that!)

And for all ye scalliwags who need a refresher course in Pirate-speak, here be some glossaries that only be a rope’s throw away: Pirate Glossary and the Brethren of the Coast.

What’s a sailor’s favorite snack?
Chocolate ship cookies!
(from Greatest Goofiest Jokes, Sterling Publishing)

And what’s an author’s favorite food group? Chocolate, of course (do I really need to ask?).

Therefore, for the pleasure of sailors and authors everywhere (or sailors who write and writers who sail), here is one of my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipes.

Chocolate Chip Malt Cookies

1 c. butter flavored shortening
1 ¼ c. light brown sugar
½ c. malted milk powder
2 tbsp. chocolate syrup
1 tbsp. Vanilla extract
1 egg
2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
1 ½ c. semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 c. milk chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 375. Combine shortening, sugar, malt, chocolate syrup and vanilla; beat for 2 minutes. Add egg. Combine flour, baking soda and salt’ gradually add to creamed mixture, mixing well after each addition. Stir in chocolate chips. Shape into 2” balls and place 3” apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at for 12-14 minutes. Cool 2 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool.

And remember, calories don’t count—unless they’re in math class.