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Blog: wonkyworks (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Blog: wonkyworks (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Blog: OUPblog (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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In order to celebrate National Tell a Joke Day, I asked fellow Oxford University Press staff members to tell me their favourite joke(s). Some of these jokes will make you guffaw and some will make you groan but hopefully all of them will make you smile. The jokes below range from the strange to the downright silly.
The post Why did the Oxford University Press staff member cross the road? appeared first on OUPblog.
Blog: Ink Splot 26 (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: jokes, Writing Prompt, pranks, april fool's, Add a tag
Toimorrow is April Fools’ Day and your Writing Prompt is to come up with the best April Fools’ joke ever. It can be a prank you pulled on someone, or that someone has pulled on you. Or it can be a prank you dreamed up, but might not ever actually do to anyone.
- Read these prank ideas for inspiration, including the pranks that Zach Gordon and Devon Bostick pulled on each on the set of the Wimpy Kid movie.
- Need more ideas? Try these April Fools’ jokes.
- Also, try this joke to drive your younger siblings crazy!
- And, just for fun, answer our April Fools’ Would You Rather questions, and our April Fools’ Day Trivia Quiz.
Leave your best April Fools’ Day pranks in the Comments, and have a fun-filled day of mayhem and foolery!
Add a CommentBlog: A Nice Place In The Sun (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Silly Sunday, travel, Christmas, Jokes, Airlines, planes, Add a tag
I hope you enjoy my contribution. Have a blast today!
"Today's joke: The Laugh Factory
Blog: OUPblog (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: George Costanza, Laura Palmer, Matt Koff, The Jerk Store, Warren Holstein, jokes, Language, pop culture, comedy, words, Seinfeld, twitter, mark peters, comedians, *Featured, TV & Film, Add a tag
Seinfeld famously added a ton of terms to English, such as low talker, high talker, spongeworthy, and unshushables. It also made obscure terms into household words. Shrinkage and yada yada existed before Seinfeld, but it’s doubtful you learned them anywhere else.
Another successful Seinfeld term has gone under the radar: Jerk Store. The term was coined in “The Comeback,” when George is unselfconsciously stuffing his face with shrimp during a meeting. A co-worker sees George’s gluttony and says, “Hey, George, the ocean called. They’re running out of shrimp.” George is speechless, but later he crafts a comeback: “Oh yeah? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you.” The episode shows George going to absurd lengths to find a way to use his comeback, as well as his friends’ unwanted workshopping of the joke.
In a way, that workshopping has never ended—at least on Twitter, which is likely the largest collection of jokes, good and bad, by professionals and amateurs, ever created. Many of those jokes involve formulas, and the Jerk Store has become a popular one. On Twitter, every day is the Summer of George.
Most variations start with “The Jerk Store called,” which is as trusty a joke starter as “Relationship status:” and “When life hands you lemons.” From there, the joke can go just about anywhere. Comic Warren Holstein makes a food joke out of the formula: “The Jerk Store called but I couldn’t understand their thick Jamaican accents.” Matt Koff reveals what would likely happen to a real-life Jerk Store: “The Jerk Store called. It’s closing because it couldn’t compete with Amazon. :(“ Some use the formula to comment on politics: “The Jerk Store called; they’re no longer hiring because of fear of Obamacare mandates.” I particularly like this joke, which finds the funny in sadness: “The jerk store called. We didn’t chat for long but it was good to hear their voice. It was good to hear anyone’s voice. I’m so alone.”
Other tweeters abandon the formula when making Jerk Store jokes, like Laura Palmer: “I’m applying at the Jerk Store and I need references.” This holiday tweet sounds like perfect storm of jerkdom: “Looking forward to the Black Friday deals at the Jerk Store.” Food trends also get spoofed: “when will the jerk store start getting organic jerks. tired of getting these jerks full of gmos.” Here’s a particularly clever joke, playing on an annoying Frankenstein-related correction: “Actually, the jerk store’s monster called.”
This term/joke formula isn’t going anywhere for at least a few reasons. Seinfeld is still omnipresent in reruns, and I reckon the entire series is imprinted on the collective unconscious. Plus, the world is full of jerks. The following are some recent epistles from the Jerk Store to help you get through the polar jerk-tex. Jerk Store might never make the OED, but it’s one of the most successful joke franchises in the world.
The jerk store called, you left your credit card at the register. They are open until 8 if you want to pick it up today.
— Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) November 17, 2014
The Jerk Store called. They miss you. They love you. They just want you to come home.
— ben (@benicus_rex) November 13, 2014
The jerk store called. I didn't answer because I think it's unethical for jerks to be commodified & under a socialist system they'd be free
— thxgvng internet dad (@Fauxgyptian) September 15, 2014
O my sod, I am sorry for my sins w/ all my heart. In choosing to look out & failing to look within, I have ∞ voicemails from the jerk store
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) September 12, 2014
the jerk store called & they said that making television references from the 90s won’t stop the decay of all things. kind of a weird message
— dire dire deer (@m_kopas) November 17, 2014
I'm looking for a girl who's George at the Jerk Store and Elaine on the dance floor.
— Scott Dooley (@scottdools) August 23, 2014
The jerk store called.
The v-necks are on backorder Chad.
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 8, 2014
The Jerk Store called, they're out of 30th anniversary DVDs with Steve Martin commentary
— Mattheim Sussroller (@suss2hyphens) May 18, 2014
The Jerk Store called…. again… [sigh]… dude, just give them back their shopping cart
— lemons (@respected_loner) June 28, 2014
Hey, the Jerk Store called, but there is a new Jerk Outlet out by the highway and they have much better prices let's go on Saturday.
— Trademarked Name™ (@rj_white) June 17, 2014
Who would even OPEN a jerk store?!
— |\/|∆®|{•├┤Ø%û5 (@markhoppus) October 31, 2014
Headline image credit: Seinfeld logo. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.
The post The Jerk Store called…and called and called appeared first on OUPblog.
Blog: Kid Lit Reviews (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Children's Books, picture books, characters, jokes, costumes, bedtime, children's book, kitty, sleepy, silly, singing, senior citizens, dancing, dinner, grandma, pink, grandmothers, juggling, bedtime story, Flashlight Press, chef, sweet dreams, pink hair, baths, balancing, bubble bath, pickle, bath time, 5stars, diners, Library Donated Books, take a bow, chocolate milk, Anne Jewett, baby powder, bag of tricks, conga line, Darling Clementine, frilly, grand-daughters, grilled cheese and potato chips, hair dryer, Laurie A. Jacobs, pink shoes, roasted snake toes, Tillie Vanilly, towel dry, turban, worm chili, Add a tag
5 Stars Silly Frilly Grandma Tillie Laurie A, Jacobs Anne Jewett Flashlight Press 32 Pages Ages: 5 and up Inside Jacket: Sophie and Chloe are lucky that their Grandma Tillie knows how to be royally silly. To their delight, whenever Grandma Tillie babysits she seems to disappear, only to be replaced by a parade of [...]
Add a CommentBlog: Steve Draws Stuff (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: book, humor, jokes, money, eat, free, steven, novak, kindle, download, marriage, pocket, volume, one, dancer, cans, goats, spank, belly, jiggle, Add a tag
Hell, I'm begging you to do it! I'm on my hands in knees in a leather outfit that leaves little to the imagination with my pasty white cheeks in the air, and I'm just begging to be spanked. Hit me damn it! Hit me and watch my ass ripple like the midsection of the world's most unattractive belly dancer!
CLICK HERE and punish me like the sad excuse for a man that I am! You know you want to.
Oh, and when you're done with that, maybe you could CLICK HERE and plunk down a couple bucks for Volume 2 to thank me.
Blog: Boys Rule Boys Read! (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: humor, jokes, Good Quick Reads, Add a tag
To get to the library and check out these great joke books! Yes, these books will keep you in stitches--just like Frankenstein after visiting the Mad Doctor!! A--HAHAHA!!! Frankenstein--stitches--get it??? As Foghorn Leghorn would say,
And that joke plus a whole bunch more are in these terrific books:
Laughapalooza Joke Book by Kitty Richards; based on the Phineas and Ferb TV series created byDan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh
You Must Be Joking Two! Even Cooler Jokes Plus 11 1/2 Tips for Laughing Yourself into Your Own Stand-Up comedy Routine--written and illustrated by Paul Brewer
The Biggest Joke Book Ever (No Kidding!) by Michael Pellowski
There are lots and lots and lots of jokes in these books. For example:
"They are afraid to relax and unwind." (from Laughapalooza)
"He hit the escape key." (from You Must be Joking Two)
"What did the boa say to the python?"
"I have a crush on you." (from The Biggest Joke Book Ever)
Don't those jokes just make you slap your knee??!!?? AND you don't have to worry about telling them because they are (as the back of The Big
Blog: Steve Draws Stuff (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Blog: Steve Draws Stuff (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: names, story, personal, writing, business, jokes, comedy, funny, promotion, steven, novak, brown, shoes, haircut, breath, mints, nowack, Add a tag
I’m a terrible promoter.
I really am.
The problem isn’t that I’m lazy, or that I don’t put forth the effort, or that I’m unwilling to put in the time. It’s none of that stuff.
I’m actually not the least bit lazy, my effort-abilities are second to none and I have nothing but time on my hands.
The actual issue is that my personal persona and my business persona get mixed up a lot. A whole lot, actually.
I say stuff I shouldn’t. I put things out there that I should have locked a safe, wrapped in a chain and tossed into the ocean.
As much as it pains me to admit, I’m an idiot.
The fact that I’m writing these very words at this very moment proves I’m an absolute dolt and that I’ll never learn.
Do the followers on Twitter that are interested in my YA novel or my artwork really need to know that I spent the night bent over the toilet due to a nasty bout of food poisoning? Probably not.
Did I tell them? Yep.
Was it necessary to let them know that because of it I spent the entire next day breaking wind like Chris Brown breaks ladies’ faces? Most definitely not.
Was that Chris Brown joke a massive mistake?
You better believe it.
I’m a goof-ball and I don’t know when to stop.
I spend so much time cracking wise and making you feel uncomfortable with awkward-delicious nuggets about my personal life that I sometimes forget I’m trying to sell you something.
Then the bill collectors come calling. Then my wife shakes her head and I pull out the lining of my pockets and shrug my shoulders. Then she hops on-line and types the words “divorce attorney” into Google.
It’s a vicious cycle.
So how do I plan on solving this little problem of mine?
I have to get serious. I have to get more professional.
I’ll need a briefcase of some sort . Maybe some papers to put in it.
Wait, wait, wait - maybe I don’t need the papers at all. I mean, what are the chances anyone will actually ask to see what’s inside, right?
Combing my hair, putting on a suit and brushing my teeth more than once every other day just isn’t going to cut it anymore. It’s not enough. I have to take things to the next level. I’m going to have to make some drastic lifestyle changes.
I’ll need to straighten that hunch in my back and smear that sloppy-creepy grin off my face.
Maybe I’ll even shave.
I’ll have to mind my P’s and Q’s while making sure my F’s and U’s are never allowed in the same sentence together.
I’ll need to be better than the sum of my parts and better than the sum of the sum of those parts.
I’ll have to blog about books and writing, and the writing process and the process of writing.
Speaking of my blog, I’ll need to maintain it a bit more diligently. I guess I should watch that I don’t accept a friend request from anyone and everyone on Facebook. I should also try and make sure current and prospective clients don’t catch wind of my uncontrollable post-puke wind breaking in one of my many unnecessary status updates.
Breath mints will be important.
New shoes too. New shoes are a given. Shoes are the first thing people look at. I heard that somewhere.
No more gobbling on burgers so stuffed with goop the juices leave stains on my shirts. Nope – gonna have to put the kibosh on that one.
I’ll need some new shirts as well.
Maybe I should change my name? It might be smart to change it to something a little more professional sounding.
Max Hardcopy?
How about, Patrick Gitstuffdun?
No, wait…Stephen Nowack.
No one commands respect like a Nowack.
Or maybe I shouldn’t do any of this nonsense.
Stephen Nowack? Seriously? That’s just silly.
Breath mints? That’s even sil
Blog: Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Publication (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Kids, Jokes, Emails, Tickle-Me Tuesday, Add a tag
A joke emailed to me this week...
Joey's dad invited Rev. & Mrs. Brown to dinner. Joey's mom made an extra-special meal. It was Joey's job to set the table with the good china and silver.
As everyone sat down to eat, Joey's mom said, "Joey, dear, you forgot to set a knife and fork for Mrs. Brown."
"I didn't think I needed to," Joey explained. "I heard Daddy say she eats like a horse."
Kids say the darndest things, don't they?
Blog: Rachelle Gardner, Literary Agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Jokes, Add a tag
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds with colds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope.)
On artificial bacon:
Real artificial bacon bits.
(So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no, we get real fake bacon.)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
Blog: Rachelle Gardner, Literary Agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Jokes, Add a tag
Now, before you get too mad at me...
My advice on dealing with publishers: Let your agent do it. Agents are more important than publishers. Agents are more important than anyone. Which brings me to my advice on dealing with agents. You can't. They won't speak to you. They’re too important.
Your turn — give us your best shot.
→ Writers are...
→ Agents are...
(Please try to have fun without being outright cruel.)
Have a good weekend!
*Thanks to Phil Cooke for sending me these quotes.
© 2011 Rachelle Gardner, Literary Agent
Blog: Rachelle Gardner, Literary Agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. Forty-seven percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death - twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, What the heck happened?
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
Blog: Bugs and Bunnies (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: just for fun, humor, jokes, Add a tag
July 1st is International Joke Day, which we have celebrated before here at Bugs and Bunnies. And since I do so sincerely love to laugh, and since we had such a good time last year, we're gonna celebrate again this year, too:
Blog: WOW! Women on Writing Blog (The Muffin) (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: lists, jokes, trivia, freelance writing, misprints, magazine fillers, ten minute writing, Add a tag
There are some days when it feels like my writing time is divided into ten minutes segments. Ten minutes of writing then the washer buzzes. Ten minutes of writing then the UPS man is at the door. Ten minutes of writing then my stomach starts growling. Ten minutes of writing then the dog needs to be let out. After a few interruptions I’m ready to call it a day and head for the hammock. I needed a solution for days when I know there won’t be long chucks of uninterrupted writing time. And with three kids they are plenty of those!
Why not try writing magazine fillers?
Magazine fillers are short pieces ranging from 50 to 250 words that sometimes only take ten minutes to write. So they’re perfect for crazy days. Fillers are constantly in demand and life seems to provide an endless supply of ideas. The pay starts at $5 and if you make it to the ultimate market, Reader’s Digest, you can make up to $200.
You need three things to make filler writing a success:
1. Eavesdropping Abilities – Plenty of my fillers have been things I’ve overheard.
2. Tiny Tablet – Filler ideas are fleeting and often come to you as you’re standing in line at the grocery. Be ready!
3. List of Filler Markets – Create a current list of filler markets so you don’t have to reinvent the wheel each time you need homes for your fillers.
There are several different types of fillers magazines are looking for:
Jokes – Chances are your kids, spouse or that funny guy who works in the cubicle down the hall will be an endless source.
Funny stories – Funny stories involving your kids are always a hit. Some niche markets also want funny stories with a slant: military, religious, professional, camping, etc.
Tips – Got any secret tips about parenting, running a household, traveling?
News items – Watch your local newspaper for unusual events, people, and crimes.
Misprints – Did the sign at your local church lose an “O” and read “Come on in and say HELL!”? Also snap a photo of funny misspellings and other mistakes—some markets will buy the photo.
Weird Trivia – Baseball season once inspired me to sell a filler about baseball superstitions. Filler markets are always looking for the little known and wacky facts.
Lists – Filler editors like short lists: “Three Things You Never Knew About Jellyfish”, “Four Ways to Use Lone Socks”, “Six Towns Names After Santa Claus”, etc.
Start looking around you with an eye for the helpful, funny, surprising, and just plain weird. It’s fun (and profitable)!
Blog: Not Just for Kids (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: jokes, blog tour, series, Horrid Henry, Add a tag
This joke book, which proudly claims to be "too rude for parents," shows that Horrid Henry must, deep down, have the soul of an archivist. He has given his name--and a fair bit of dialogue--to a book of jokes which is not just gross and groan-worthy, but pretty well organized as well. These are not just random ha-ha's. The reader is eased in with elementary school joke-telling staples of mummys,
Blog: Cynthia's Attic Blog (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: kids, jokes, laughing, cynthias's attic, Add a tag
I thought we needed something funny this morning. These should make you smile.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me! (This kid has no self-esteem problems!)
What's your favorite kids joke? Please post!
The Magician's Castle - Buy Today!
Or for your Kindle reader
Blog: Rachelle Gardner, Literary Agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Jokes, Add a tag
Most of you know that I live and work in beautiful Colorado. In honor of our state's early slide into winter this week (big snowstorm), I thought I'd share some Rocky Mountain humor with you. Enjoy!
First, a winter statistic:
98% of Americans say "oh sh*t" before going off an icy road into a ditch. The other 2% are from Colorado and say, "Hang on and watch this."
You know you're from Colorado if...
→ You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.
→ "Humid" is over 25%.
→ Your sense of direction is: "Toward the mountains" and "Away from the mountains."
→ You say "the interstate" and everybody knows which one.
→ You think May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.
→ You buy your flowers on Mother's day, but try and hold off planting them until just before Father's day.
→ Your kids plan their Halloween costumes around their coats.
→ You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities.
→ You always know the elevation of where you are.
→ You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow.
→ You don't care that the stadium was renamed, the Broncos still play at Mile High.
→ Everybody wears jeans to church.
→ You know what a "trust fund hippy" is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.
→ Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the pants off the Raiders.
→ When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh.
→ You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.
(I love all these because they're true!)
And have a good weekend!
.
Blog: Time Machine, Three Trips: Where Would You Go? (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: fun, Dog, sister, Jokes, Sheep, wife, amusing, laughable, Add a tag
Image via Wikipedia
- Do you serve crabs in this restaurant?
We serve everyone sir, take a seat.
- Fat woman: Officer, can you see me across the street?
Officer: Madame, I can see you a mile away.
- Don’t you know the Queen’s English?
Of course I do, and so’s the King.
- 4.Can I have your daughter for my wife?
Well, bring your wife around and we’ll see.
- Me, drunk? I’ve only had tee martoonies.
photo by author
- Customer: Does this dog have a pedigree?
Pet owner: Look, If this dog could talk, he wouldn’t speak to either of us.
- That’s a strange pair of shoes you’re wearing, one black and one white. They must be unique.
Not at all, I have another pair at home just like them.
May I try on that dress in the window?
Well, we’d prefer it if you used the dressing room.
- Can you stand on your head?
No, it’s too high.
- Your sister is spoiled, isn’t she?
Not at all, that’s just the perfume she’s wearing.
- Did you wake up grumpy this morning?
No, I let him sleep late.
photo by author
- You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.
I know, I must have had my legs crossed when I put them on.
- How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t . You get down from a swan.
- Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater?
I didn’t even know they could knit.
Add a CommentBlog: Time Machine, Three Trips: Where Would You Go? (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: fun, Dog, sister, Jokes, Sheep, wife, amusing, laughable, Add a tag
Image via Wikipedia
- Do you serve crabs in this restaurant?
We serve everyone sir, take a seat.
- Fat woman: Officer, can you see me across the street?
Officer: Madame, I can see you a mile away.
- Don’t you know the Queen’s English?
Of course I do, and so’s the King.
- 4.Can I have your daughter for my wife?
Well, bring your wife around and we’ll see.
- Me, drunk? I’ve only had tee martoonies.
photo by author
- Customer: Does this dog have a pedigree?
Pet owner: Look, If this dog could talk, he wouldn’t speak to either of us.
- That’s a strange pair of shoes you’re wearing, one black and one white. They must be unique.
Not at all, I have another pair at home just like them.
May I try on that dress in the window?
Well, we’d prefer it if you used the dressing room.
- Can you stand on your head?
No, it’s too high.
- Your sister is spoiled, isn’t she?
Not at all, that’s just the perfume she’s wearing.
- Did you wake up grumpy this morning?
No, I let him sleep late.
photo by author
- You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.
I know, I must have had my legs crossed when I put them on.
- How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t . You get down from a swan.
- Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater?
I didn’t even know they could knit.
http://socyberty.com/folklore/a-jack-pot-of-old-folk-sayings/
http://socyberty.com/subcultures/more-old-folk-sayings-we-are-losing/
http://purpleslinky.com/trivia/random/trivial-facts-you-might-want-to-know/
Add a CommentBlog: Time Machine, Three Trips: Where Would You Go? (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Jokes, Humor, funny, Add a tag
Ancient Greece
First Joke
A hunter often had a dream in which he was chased by a boar, so he brought some dogs to sleep with him.
Second Joke
A man who had been ill, always tried to avoid his doctor in the street. When his friends asked him why, he replied,
“The doctor said I would not live, so now I feel ashamed because I am alive.”
Third Joke
A man who wanted to rest on the ground used a jar as a pillow. It was so hard that asked his servants to stuff it with feathers to make it soft.
Fourth Joke
A man stood in front of a mirror and closed his eyes because he wanted to know what he looked like when he was asleep.
Germany
The men of a certain German town built a council house without any windows. They found, though it was light outside, it was dark inside. So they tried to bring daylight by filling boxes and sacks and baskets with sunshine and emptying them in the council house. But of course there was no difference at all.
Ceylon
First Joke
A calf once put its head in the pot and could not get it out, so the owner sent for a very wise friend. The friend hit the calf’s head and broke the pot-saying,
“There! Whatever would you do without me?
Second Joke
One night the men of Ceylon throw stones at the moon because they feared she was coming too near and would burn their crops.
Frances
First Joke
A man borrowed a horse and drove it through a field of peas plants. The owner of the horse was very angry.
“You will burn my horse’s feet! He cried. “Don’t you know that I burnt my mouth eating peas last week?”
Second Joke
Another man had a horse stolen.
“Didn’t you ask the thief his name and address?” asked his friend.
“No. I was not there when the horse was stolen,”
“Oh, replied the friend, “you should have left someone there to ask him.”
Turkey
First Joke
Two men were sitting in a room one night when the candle went out.
“There’s another candle by your right hand, said one. “Pick it up and let us it.”
“How stupid you are,” was the reply. “How do you think I can tell my right hand in the dark?”
Second Joke
A man dreamed that he was given nine pieces of money, and he said,
“It isn’t enough. Give me ten.”
Then he awoke, and of course found that he had nothing. He quickly closed his eyes again and said,
“I’m sorry. I’ll take nine.”
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JacketFlap tags: Michael Jackson, Jade Goody, Cervical cancer, Horrible, Humor, Jokes, Add a tag
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Jade Goody was a kind, brave person who campaigned to bring the smear tests for cervical cancer down to 20 as she had the illness herself.
Michael Jackson was the King of Pop.
These are some of the jokes made about them both:
Person 1: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Jade Goody?
Person 2: Don’t know
Person 1: 3 months
Person 1: How do you put the Jackson 5 back together?
Person 2: Don’t know
Person 1: 4 bullets
These jokes are horrible and uncalled for, so why do people do it?
When you first listen to the jokes they are funny or entertaining but when you actually think about the people and their lives you realise that these jokes are insulting to them.
Add a CommentBlog: Time Machine, Three Trips: Where Would You Go? (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: Michael Jackson, Jade Goody, Cervical cancer, Horrible, Humor, Jokes, Add a tag
Image via Wikipedia
Jade Goody was a kind, brave person who campaigned to bring the smear tests for cervical cancer down to 20 as she had the illness herself.
Michael Jackson was the King of Pop.
These are some of the jokes made about them both:
Person 1: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Jade Goody?
Person 2: Don’t know
Person 1: 3 months
Person 1: How do you put the Jackson 5 back together?
Person 2: Don’t know
Person 1: 4 bullets
These jokes are horrible and uncalled for, so why do people do it?
When you first listen to the jokes they are funny or entertaining but when you actually think about the people and their lives you realise that these jokes are insulting to them.
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Something funny? If you like writing/publishing, you might like this:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/193313/family-guy-brian-writes-a-bestseller?c=Comedy
It's a Family Guy episode in which the dog writes a bestseller. (Warning: some language and a sexual innuendo with a penguin)
Thank you so much for this! I got a good laugh out of all of these. I read them out loud to my husband as he got ready for work and it helped him wake up in a good mood =) Happy Friday!
These are hilarious! I don't have a warning like that to share, but maybe some of these were written by kids. My sister teaches K-4. This week one of her kids told her, "I wish my ears would fall off so I could eat them." Despite the warning signals going off in her head, she sighed and asked the question anyway. "Why?" He looked at her as if she were out of her mind and answered, "Because I'm hungry." Duh. Why else would you want to eat your ears?
Thanks for the comic relief on a Friday morning. Travel safe to your conference!
These were great. Thanks so much for sharing!
My personal favorite is the notice my parents found on a tricycle box while shopping for my three-year-old sister's birthday:
Child not included.
(Do you have one of these in blond?)
One has to wonder...
Oh that is just toooo FuNnY!! I love the Tiramisu one!! Oh what a good laugh, thanks for sharing. :)
Oh, I already have a job writing instructions. Sometimes the word "duh" slips in as I'm writing.
Ad shown next to search results:
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Guess what the search term was. (And no, we didn't find any infant diarrhea on eBay.)
Love the Tiramisu one! Actually, I wonder if these prove that they didn't hire a real writer. :)
I laughed myself to tears. So great, Rachelle. I'll read them to my hubby.
"On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)"
My college friend Theresa came to school many times with a sheepish grin and a burn scar on her neck from where she tried to iron blouse collars while wearing them. Many times.
I did actually see the "do not use while sleeping" on instructions for a flat iron.
Growing up overseas and traveling frequently, I saw so many hilarious signs I can't even remember them all right now. But I recently saw a sign taped to a toilet in a gas station that said (complete with quote marks and comma), "Please Flush, It". It's not as funny as these, but there was enough in those three little words to make me laugh.
Also, not really instructional but funny, I saw a huge banner at one of those truck stop restaurants: "Kids With Gas Eat Free." (Hmmmm... "Show 'em what you got kids!")
Thanks for the laughs!
I want to know how many of these were the result of someone actually doing these.
Thanks for the giggle on a day when the news is so horrendous. Just one brief "edit" for the Swedish chainsaw comment:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Raise your stump if you've tried this.)
I thought those were great!
Well, Rachelle, it only took me about 4 hrs to set up a blog. Our children thought THAT was pretty funny!
On a bag of hash browns that required frequent turning: Keep covered at all times except when stirring.
Those are hilarious - thanks! I guess I won't be heading to the top of the Calgary Tower with my Superman costume!
I bought a swimsuit with the tag, "Do not wear in sunlight"
I can only swim at night or in winter?
Where I live on the Island of Roatan, Honduras, fortunately we can get by just fine without most of the listed products. However, the one for instructions on how to eat pasta, it would have to include how to get rid of the bugs before cooking!
These are hilarious. I think my favourite is a sign at a wildlife safari park that said:
"Elephants please stay in cars."
These are hilarious. I think my favourite is a sign at a wildlife safari park that said:
"Elephants please stay in cars."
Many considerate restaurant owners in Luxor Egypt provide English menus. Sometimes hard to decipher, though. "Lamp shops". That's one of the easier ones. For lamb chops, of course.
Can't resist sharing this anecdote on food labelling.
A class of convent school children were filing along the self-service line for lunch. Next to a bowl of red,shiny apples was a large notice: 'Only take ONE. Remember, God is watching.' Further along the line, next to a plate of chocolate chip cookies, another notice was propped, this time written in a childish hand: 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
LOL--thanks for the Saturday morning chuckles. :)
LOL, really. My twisted humor laughed hardest at the chainssaw one.
I recently bought a coffeemaker that included this helpful advice on the troubleshooting page of the user's manual:
PROBLEM: The coffeemaker only brews water. POSSIBLE CAUSE: There are no coffee grounds in the filter basket. SOLUTION: Add the desired amt of coffee.
I feel safer knowing there are people working hard to warn us of these things.
Hilarious! The only thing I can think of like that off the top of my head is the old folks home adverts up the street. 'Are you snowed in? Come and join us'
Yes I'm snowed in but a shovel is preferable to an old folks home thanks anyway :)
We saw some funny English translations when visiting Japan. One we enjoyed was a warning posted by our room in a traditional Japanese hotel: "In case of fire, please follow instructions and behave yourself."
So Hemingway and Faulkner walk into a bar... ;)
I guess I better take off my Superman costume....
I've been doing ironing wrong this whole time. No wonder it hurt!
These were so much fun to read~ thanks for the smile!
These are great. Two of my additional favorites are:
1) I live in Florida & bought a silver reflective sunshade for the front windshield. The package instructed me to remove it before driving! duh..
2) An ad for a $300 tire in the newspaper included the helpful notation: Not actual size - as if I thought a 3-inch tall tire cost $300.
Of course, everyone goes to extremes to try to make themselves "lawsuit-proof", but honestly!!
Thanks, Son, those laughs felt so Great!! And thanks, Rachelle, for passing them on. (Hope you're having a super week-end!!)
LOL, cracked me up. Try this for a laugh, if you haven't already seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9fc-crEFDw&feature=player_embedded#at=29
I was out of town this weekend and just saw this. Ironically, I found one of these last week: while opening a bottle of Midol, I happened to read the warning label, and it said, "Do not use if you have an enlarged prostate."
I immediately called my best friend to ask, "Who with a prostate is taking Midol???"