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SANTA SLIMS DOWN: a Christmas story of rebellion and compromise

By Eleanor Tylbor

My annual sharing of the play focusing on Santa's need to lose weight in order to fly on Christmas Eve.



CAST OF CHARACTERS:


SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself who ate one too many cook

MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife, who is worried about Santa’s cholestrol
RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG



SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR RUDOLPH, ACCOMPANIED BY DONNER AND BLITZEN BARGE IN


AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE FILLED WITH TOYS



SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?


RUDOLPH

(moving his antlers from side-to-side defiantly)

We're here to give you a message, Santa


RUDOLPH
It’s about food


SANTA

(eating one cookie after another)

Mmm - good. Love those chocolate chips. You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round


RUDOLPH
Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…


DONNER
- it's real important-like…


BLITZEN
…major important


RUDOLPH

(Turns around and addresses DONNER and BLITZEN)

Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?


DONNER
(staring down at his feet)
And…you do a great job, Rudy. Super job


BLITZEN
You our main reindeer, man!


RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…


DONNER
No-no… You’re the best


RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Cheez – everyone wants'ta be a star… Now where was I? See Santa, we're worried!


DONNER AND BLITZEN
(together)
Real worried!


RUDOLPH

(whirling around)

Hello? D'ya mind?

SANTA nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around a track


SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I love watching the train speed around the track. Um… Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go. The elves finished it this morning


RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely -

DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!


RUDOLPH
(whirling around)

One more word from either of youse…


DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…


RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!


SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could somebody tell me?


RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me


BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed


DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…


RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your shape


SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! I’m supposed to look this way


RUDOLPH
It's um - very round


SANTA
(laughing)

This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…


RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more


SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You know that!


RUDOLPH
It hurts me to h