So you’re scared of talking to girls in person? Don’t worry, we all are. But lucky for us, a man by the name of Al Gore invented a little thing called the internet. On the internet, you can’t spend five minutes without running into a girl, or at least a racy picture of one. But when you actually have the chance to interact with a girl—in a chat room, on AIM, in a Gilmore Girls forum—what the hell are you supposed to say? Well, here are some simple tips that will make you king of the chat room, master of the message, fuehrer of the forum. Fuehrer in a good way, I mean.
Pick Your Screen Name Very Carefully
Lots of guys just slap together their name and a bunch of numbers for their screen name, and I think that’s just awful. I mean, what could be less memorable than “Rick41068”? When a girl sees a screen name like that, she thinks, “Oh, there’s another loser named Rick I won’t make out with.” You’ve got to set yourself apart from the pack.
And just adding an adjective to your name isn’t going to do it. “SlickRick41068” is no less pitiful than “Rick41068.” This is how SlickRick would fare online:
SlickRick41068: hey whats up?
Hotgirl25: u r a loser
SlickRick41068: lol wut?
Hotgirl25: i said leave me alone!
SlickRick41068: is it my screen name u don’t like?
Hotgirl25: of course its youre screen name! if not for that ud be like the perfect guy and i would totally love to date u.
Hotgirl 25 has signed off.
But she didn’t really sign off, she just blocked you. All because you didn’t have the right screen name.
And making a sexy screen name might be the worst idea of all. “BigDickRick69” isn’t going to impress any girls, trust me. Having something about how big your penis is in your screen name is like getting a tattoo on your penis that says, “This is a big penis.” It’s redundant, or, more likely, it’s false.
So pick a screen name that’s clever without being witty, obscure without being incomprehensible, and, most of all, memorable. Something like “shitman61,” in honor of the notoriously incontinent Roger Maris, or “assman61,” in honor of Cosmo Kramer. Something like “cogitoergocum,” in honor of the great Descartes, or the fiendishly post-modernist “thisisascreennamenowkissme.”
Be Enigmatic
If you let a girl know exactly what you’re thinking, then she has no reason to wonder about what’s going on in that brilliant head of yours. She’ll stop thinking about you as soon as the conversation ends. That’s why you should be as perplexing as possible, planting little mysteries in her head that will soon blossom into full-blown romantic interest.
Gilmoregirls36DD: why do u call urself mysteryman?
mysteryman: do i call myself mysteryman?
Gilmoregirls36DD: its ur screen name
mysteryman: is it?
Gilmoregirls36DD: r u planting seeds of mystery in my brain? cuz it feels like u are
mysteryman: a man, having a mirage, sees an oasis in a desert. what does he see?
Gilmoregirls36DD: um… an oasis?
mysteryman: what’s ur favorite oasis album?
Gilmoregirls36DD: definitely maybe is definitely my fav!
mysteryman: lol!
It’s good not to be too mysterious the whole time, though. Throw in the occasional “lol” or even “rofpwm”—rolling on the floor playing with myself—just to let her know you can be a normal guy, too, should the need arise. But if she ever gets close to discovering who you really are, you must bury her in thicker layers of enigma. Because once she sees the real you—the sad little man cowering behind his computer screen in his semen-stained boxer shorts—she’s gonna run for the hills. And can you blame her?
Making the Transition from Internet Relationship to Real Relationship
If you feel the desire to meet your internet girlfriend in person, you must broach the topic very delicately with her. Most importantly, you must gradually prepare her for the profound disappointment that she will experience when she finally meets you. You can accomplish this through some strategic joke-making.
enigmaboy: hey, wouldn’t it be funny if when we met up, u were like totally disappointed with me?
buxomprincess: how do u mean?
enigmaboy: like if some of the things i said about myself weren’t exactly accurate — wouldn’t that be hilarious?
buxomprincess: haha i guess
And you should print this conversation out, so that when she doesn’t find your shortcomings so hilarious in person, you can show it to her and say, “See? This is funny! You said so yourself!”
Now this isn’t to say that I recommend going beyond a purely electronic relationship. In fact, I discourage abandoning a fulfilling online relationship for what will surely be a mutually unfulfilling physical relationship. Because online relationships are convenient—you never have to leave your living room, never have to shave, never have to wash your clothing; they involve fewer messy attachments than regular relationships—if you’re tired of a girl, you can just change your screen name, or start visiting a different Gilmore Girls forum; they’re cheaper—for example, I gave my online girlfriend six dollars through PayPal for our one-year anniversary; and they completely avoid the oppressive sexual shame and physical abuse that are such integral parts of all healthy regular relationships.
So meet a real girl if you must. But if you can handle crippling physical loneliness, then stick with online relationships. I think you’ll find them very unhumiliating! And in my opinion, that’s all a guy can ask for.
Happy typing!
So you’re scared of talking to girls in person? Don’t worry, we all are. But lucky for us, a man by the name of Al Gore invented a little thing called the internet. On the internet, you can’t spend five minutes without running into a girl, or at least a racy picture of one. But when you actually have the chance to interact with a girl—in a chat room, on AIM, in a Gilmore Girls forum—what the hell are you supposed to say? Well, here are some simple tips that will make you king of the chat room, master of the message, fuehrer of the forum. Fuehrer in a good way, I mean.
Pick Your Screen Name Very Carefully
Lots of guys just slap together their name and a bunch of numbers for their screen name, and I think that’s just awful. I mean, what could be less memorable than “Rick41068”? When a girl sees a screen name like that, she thinks, “Oh, there’s another loser named Rick I won’t make out with.” You’ve got to set yourself apart from the pack.
And just adding an adjective to your name isn’t going to do it. “SlickRick41068” is no less pitiful than “Rick41068.” This is how SlickRick would fare online:
SlickRick41068: hey whats up?
Hotgirl25: u r a loser
SlickRick41068: lol wut?
Hotgirl25: i said leave me alone!
SlickRick41068: is it my screen name u don’t like?
Hotgirl25: of course its youre screen name! if not for that ud be like the perfect guy and i would totally love to date u.
Hotgirl 25 has signed off.
But she didn’t really sign off, she just blocked you. All because you didn’t have the right screen name.
And making a sexy screen name might be the worst idea of all. “BigDickRick69” isn’t going to impress any girls, trust me. Having something about how big your penis is in your screen name is like getting a tattoo on your penis that says, “This is a big penis.” It’s redundant, or, more likely, it’s false.
So pick a screen name that’s clever without being witty, obscure without being incomprehensible, and, most of all, memorable. Something like “shitman61,” in honor of the notoriously incontinent Roger Maris, or “assman61,” in honor of Cosmo Kramer. Something like “cogitoergocum,” in honor of the great Descartes, or the fiendishly post-modernist “thisisascreennamenowkissme.”
Be Enigmatic
If you let a girl know exactly what you’re thinking, then she has no reason to wonder about what’s going on in that brilliant head of yours. She’ll stop thinking about you as soon as the conversation ends. That’s why you should be as perplexing as possible, planting little mysteries in her head that will soon blossom into full-blown romantic interest.
Gilmoregirls36DD: why do u call urself mysteryman?
mysteryman: do i call myself mysteryman?
Gilmoregirls36DD: its ur screen name
mysteryman: is it?
Gilmoregirls36DD: r u planting seeds of mystery in my brain? cuz it feels like u are
mysteryman: a man, having a mirage, sees an oasis in a desert. what does he see?
Gilmoregirls36DD: um… an oasis?
mysteryman: what’s ur favorite oasis album?
Gilmoregirls36DD: definitely maybe is definitely my fav!
mysteryman: lol!
It’s good not to be too mysterious the whole time, though. Throw in the occasional “lol” or even “rofpwm”—rolling on the floor playing with myself—just to let her know you can be a normal guy, too, should the need arise. But if she ever gets close to discovering who you really are, you must bury her in thicker layers of enigma. Because once she sees the real you—the sad little man cowering behind his computer screen in his semen-stained boxer shorts—she’s gonna run for the hills. And can you blame her?
Making the Transition from Internet Relationship to Real Relationship
If you feel the desire to meet your internet girlfriend in person, you must broach the topic very delicately with her. Most importantly, you must gradually prepare her for the profound disappointment that she will experience when she finally meets you. You can accomplish this through some strategic joke-making.
enigmaboy: hey, wouldn’t it be funny if when we met up, u were like totally disappointed with me?
buxomprincess: how do u mean?
enigmaboy: like if some of the things i said about myself weren’t exactly accurate — wouldn’t that be hilarious?
buxomprincess: haha i guess
And you should print this conversation out, so that when she doesn’t find your shortcomings so hilarious in person, you can show it to her and say, “See? This is funny! You said so yourself!”
Now this isn’t to say that I recommend going beyond a purely electronic relationship. In fact, I discourage abandoning a fulfilling online relationship for what will surely be a mutually unfulfilling physical relationship. Because online relationships are convenient—you never have to leave your living room, never have to shave, never have to wash your clothing; they involve fewer messy attachments than regular relationships—if you’re tired of a girl, you can just change your screen name, or start visiting a different Gilmore Girls forum; they’re cheaper—for example, I gave my online girlfriend six dollars through PayPal for our one-year anniversary; and they completely avoid the oppressive sexual shame and physical abuse that are such integral parts of all healthy regular relationships.
So meet a real girl if you must. But if you can handle crippling physical loneliness, then stick with online relationships. I think you’ll find them very unhumiliating! And in my opinion, that’s all a guy can ask for.
Happy typing!
