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My wife often complains that I am impossible to shop for. One reason is that I am a cheapskate who would rather have 20 bucks in the bank than a DVD of Batman Begins.  Another reason is that I am an adult, and when there is something that I want, I can buy it for myself. 

So, I already have everything I want, and don’t want what I don’t need.  What is a wife to do?  This article will attempt to give you some food for thought when you are shopping for your man.

1)      Food:  Guys love food.  Two of the gifts that I have most enthusiastically accepted were a can of cashews and a giant Snickers bar.  An upscale alternative would be a Meat-of-the-Month Club subscription (not kidding, btw), or some kind of grilling accessory that will make his meatcraft more exact.

2)      Hobby Enhancers: While each man has his own interests, one thing is the certain; someone has devised a way to make it even more awesome.  Whether it is a rumbling seat for his racing videogame, increased peripheral vision paintball goggles, a 10x zoom nature photography lens, or a simple book light, there is a gift to make his hobby experience even better.  This will also provide the secondary benefit of signaling that you support rather than resent his “man time” (whether that is true or not).

3)      Intangibles/Service:  I don’t mean coupons for sex (we know that “certain restrictions apply”).  If your man says that he doesn’t want anything, that means he doesn’t want any “thing”.  He would probably still appreciate someone else cleaning the basement, his favorite meal (back to gift idea #1), or a day to devote entirely to enjoying his gift from idea #2.  For example, when my wife gave me the final Harry Potter book, she also gave me the entire day (chore and cooking free) to read it.

4)      Make his life easier:  Similar to Hobby Enhancement, this category seeks to make his daily grind easier.  Does he have a long commute?  Maybe an MP3 player could make it seem shorter.  Maybe it could even BE shorter with a GPS.  Does the dog make messes, run away, etc… how about obedience school? Is his computer agonizingly slow?  Try a RAM upgrade.  Maybe you can give him the best gift, more time for himself and you.

5)      A Personalized Children’s Book:  No man’s library is complete without one.

…

If you’re like most people, you’ve had many different hobbies in your life. Some of them were athletic, some were intellectual, and others are probably best left unsaid. But if you’re like me, you’ve probably come to notice that nearly any hobby you might choose suffers from one critical weakness:

The presence of other people always screws them up. 

It doesn’t matter if you are hiking, rock climbing, playing Axis and Allies, or what.  If it involves other people, there is always at least one idiot who won’t take it seriously, or always has to ‘win’, or for some reason or other makes you want to kick their head in. In relationships this is true as well, but that’s another article.

So anyway, it’s 2009, and the problem of finding good entertainment is worse than ever. We’re in a depression, and can’t afford anything fun. Doing things outside is dicey, since a lot of us live in areas where the weather is terrible most of the time, and even when the weather is good, people on the street will beat you senseless and rob you. Not because those people need the money, but because it’s like saying hello – at least here in Wilmington, and where you live probably isn’t too much different. 

It’s hell. So under circumstances like this, what do you do to entertain yourself that is safe, cheap, and involves as little human interaction as possible?

Why, there’s only one thing you can do… go back to your roots, acquire a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons, and play it by yourself!

Why is this Hobby Awesome?

1. Every guy with even the slightest bit of imagination, deep inside, loves the concept of Dungeons and Dragons. Even if you don’t like fantasy, you get to kill things, take their crap, and face no consequences. Even most women would like the experience if they really gave it a try. Well, probably not. Screw them.

2. Rolling dice, writing stuff down, and having some interest in doing so will take you back in time if you’re over 30. You’ll feel like you’re 11 again. If you’re under 30 and have spent some time being broke, it might do the same.

3. You’ll get to use your imagination, which does not get exercised at all by computer games (except for roguelikes which you also need to play, if you haven’t already). With a pen and paper experience, you can picture the damp, dark hallways and imagine the groups confusion when surprised by some giant, nasty beastie. If you want to get all nerdy about it, you can even maintain a history of what your individual characters accomplish, so that they get some depth over time and take on some life.

4. It’s free and you can do it anywhere as long as you have a flat surface and your materials. You don’t even need electricity. As long as you have light, you can do it in a basement while drinking tea, for chrissake. Any hobby which can be performed in a basement with a cup of tea next to you is Win.

Why wouldn’t I want to tell anyone that I do this?

1. It’s Dungeons and Dragons, and you’re probably a reasonably functioning adult. You not only will get laughed at, you will also become re-acquainted with another activity that you indulged in as a kid – getting your ass kicked by people who are bigger than you are. And that’s just the men… all that is nothing compared to how girls will treat you.

2. It’s an activity which is designed for more than one person, and you’re doing it by yourself. Something like that never looks good. Does having a tea party by yourself look good? Does playing football by yourself look good? No, it doesn’t. So stay quiet.

3. You’re going to be playing a version of Dungeons and Dragons which went out of print about 20 years ago (I’ll get into why later). It means that even game nerds, who are on the absolute bottom of the social totem pole, will spit on you because they will not consider you to be relevant.

Wow! Playing a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons by myself sounds Awesome as long as I don’t tell anyone! How do I do it?

You need the following materials:

First Edition D&D Players Handbook, Dungeon Masters Guide, and Monster Manual (All available on E-Bay for about $40 total)

Dice which have the following number of sides: (4, 6 (get 3 of them), 8, 10 (get 2 of these), 12, and 20). They should be available at your local gaming store for about $5 total. Yes, they still have gaming stores if you look. They’re like peep shows… the people who have that need, know where to go to fulfill it. And just like peep shows, you’ll see a lot of awkward, pasty looking men scuttling out of the front door with brown paper bags under their arms. Don’t look anyone in the eye.

A table, a pencil, some paper, and a room where you can be sure that no one will walk in on you. Wherever you go to look at porn is probably the ideal place for something like this, too.

Some randomly generated dungeons which can be found at http://donjon.bin.sh/d20/dungeon/. The resulting dungeons are created for a rule set which is much newer than yours will be, but it’s easy enough to create house rules on any monsters/experience points which are not covered specifically in the dungeon descriptions. Commercial dungeons made for solo adventures are also OK, but there aren’t many of them and a disproportionate amount of them suck.

A critical hit table which can be found here:http://www.angelfire.com/dragon3/vinifera/critical_hit_table_2e.pdf . What that will do is, if an attack against a monster (or against you) is really, really successful, it can result in an arm being sliced off or something – which adds to the flavor big time.

Then play away, Dungeon Master! Don’t read the room descriptions, just move around the map and read each description as you enter. If a room contains a secret door or hidden treasure, roll a 6 sided die for every party member – if you roll a one, the door or treasure is detected. Create groups of at least 8 characters, because with bad luck and critical hits, the mortality rate will be high.

Warnings

Dungeons and Dragons has a lame reputation for a reason. If there is anything you take from all this, read the following and be sure to remember it well!

First of all, I am not talking about playing D&D in a group. Do not finish this article then run out and join the first pack of neckbeards that you can find. You will suffer, and everyone around you will suffer, and the most tragic aspect of it all will be that it could have been avoided.

Let me explain:

D&D was originally based on miniature war gaming. When it was first conceived of, play was 99% built around the idea that you go into some dark hole, indiscriminately kill monsters who are all ugly and all bad, become more skilled, then crawl into another dark hole to apply what you learned in the last one. Simple, right? It’s more than simple, it’s Awesome. In fact, everything should work like that. Life would be much shorter, but it would be interesting and have some sort of meaning.

However, over time, the group game evolved away from that idea. Nowadays, the average D&D player is even more poorly adjusted to society than I am. They don’t like fighting monsters unless the odds overwhelmingly favor them. They throw fits if their characters die, and worst of all, they enjoy going into imaginary towns and posturing in front of imaginary villagers. This causes conversations that are so lame, so ridiculous, that they defy description. For example, once in a while you’ll get some guy who wants his character to get laid, so he sits in a tavern and tries and get with some buxom tavern wench who is, of course, being played by a another neckbeard who is sitting on the other side of the table behind a cardboard screen. Neither the person playing the male character or the one playing the buxom wench has any experience with women and dating. The banter at the table goes like this:

Keith: “OK Seth, so you go into a tavern and sit down. This girl comes over to you and she’s got really big boobs and long black hair… ummm… and she stands close to you and she’s like, ‘Hey’.”

Seth: “What’s her comeliness?”

The crackling sound of rolling dice issues from behind the cardboard screen. I am seated at the middle of the table between the two neckbeards and look down at my hands with a grim expression, since I know how this story will end. I set my lips into a tight line and begin using the dice in front of me to build little towers, in an effort to ignore the conversation.

Keith: “15. No, she’s hotter than that, like 16, 17.”

Seth (blushing): “Dayummmmmm! Hehehehe. OK, so I say ‘hey’.”

Keith (as Buxom Wench): “Hey… ummm… you’re really hot. What’s your name?”

Seth (in his deepest voice): “I am Lord Comforter, prince of Down and hero of Qwertyuiop, and I am at your service!

Seth again: “Hey Keith, I like, lean over and press up against her boob to let her know I like her.”

Keith (giggling and blushing): “OK. So she presses back and leans over so you can see down her dress and then she’s like, ermm… That’s a big sword you have there. Do you have any other.. ummmmmmmmmm…. weapons?”

Seth (flustered): “Well, I have this bow and erm, a magical war hammer, and ermmmmm… ”

Keith (blushing so hard that he can barely talk): “No, Seth, she didn’t mean it like that. She meant it like…”

The conversation is broken by the sound of breaking glass. I have just smashed a bottle on the edge of the table, and am waving the jagged end at the other players with a wild gleam in my eye. Again.

Me: “For the love of God… that’s enough. Stop. OK? You need to stop. I will kill you both!”

10% of group Dungeons and Dragons is enjoyable. The rest consists of interactions just like that and you will end them just like I do, by threatening to kill people and being 100% serious about it. Where I’m going with all this is that while playing on your own is awesome, playing in a group is not the same experience.

Second, I am not talking about playing a new version of Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, I know you’re by yourself, but show some self-respect and play like a man. You want an old as hell version, with rudimentary character classes, rules that are simple and written by guys who would have done so for free, and no character motivation other than a desire to clean out random dungeons, kill stuff, and get more powerful. It’s that, or it’s nothing at all. Role playing and using exotic characters smacks of having a tea party with dolls, and you will have none of it if you want to have a Socially Frowned Upon hobby that is Awesome and not one that sucks.

So that’s it. You are now ready to play a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons in the most Awesome way possible – one that involves no kind of interaction at all with other people. Now get out there, cover a table with weird looking dice, homemade character sheets, and some crude rulebooks that are at least 25 years old, and get to it! 

And don’t tell anyone.

If you’re like most people, you’ve had many different hobbies in your life. Some of them were athletic, some were intellectual, and others are probably best left unsaid. But if you’re like me, you’ve probably come to notice that nearly any hobby you might choose suffers from one critical weakness:

The presence of other people always screws them up. 

It doesn’t matter if you are hiking, rock climbing, playing Axis and Allies, or what.  If it involves other people, there is always at least one idiot who won’t take it seriously, or always has to ‘win’, or for some reason or other makes you want to kick their head in. In relationships this is true as well, but that’s another article.

So anyway, it’s 2009, and the problem of finding good entertainment is worse than ever. We’re in a depression, and can’t afford anything fun. Doing things outside is dicey, since a lot of us live in areas where the weather is terrible most of the time, and even when the weather is good, people on the street will beat you senseless and rob you. Not because those people need the money, but because it’s like saying hello – at least here in Wilmington, and where you live probably isn’t too much different. 

It’s hell. So under circumstances like this, what do you do to entertain yourself that is safe, cheap, and involves as little human interaction as possible?

Why, there’s only one thing you can do… go back to your roots, acquire a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons, and play it by yourself!

Why is this Hobby Awesome?

1. Every guy with even the slightest bit of imagination, deep inside, loves the concept of Dungeons and Dragons. Even if you don’t like fantasy, you get to kill things, take their crap, and face no consequences. Even most women would like the experience if they really gave it a try. Well, probably not. Screw them.

2. Rolling dice, writing stuff down, and having some interest in doing so will take you back in time if you’re over 30. You’ll feel like you’re 11 again. If you’re under 30 and have spent some time being broke, it might do the same.

3. You’ll get to use your imagination, which does not get exercised at all by computer games (except for roguelikes which you also need to play, if you haven’t already). With a pen and paper experience, you can picture the damp, dark hallways and imagine the groups confusion when surprised by some giant, nasty beastie. If you want to get all nerdy about it, you can even maintain a history of what your individual characters accomplish, so that they get some depth over time and take on some life.

4. It’s free and you can do it anywhere as long as you have a flat surface and your materials. You don’t even need electricity. As long as you have light, you can do it in a basement while drinking tea, for chrissake. Any hobby which can be performed in a basement with a cup of tea next to you is Win.

Why wouldn’t I want to tell anyone that I do this?

1. It’s Dungeons and Dragons, and you’re probably a reasonably functioning adult. You not only will get laughed at, you will also become re-acquainted with another activity that you indulged in as a kid – getting your ass kicked by people who are bigger than you are. And that’s just the men… all that is nothing compared to how girls will treat you.

2. It’s an activity which is designed for more than one person, and you’re doing it by yourself. Something like that never looks good. Does having a tea party by yourself look good? Does playing football by yourself look good? No, it doesn’t. So stay quiet.

3. You’re going to be playing a version of Dungeons and Dragons which went out of print about 20 years ago (I’ll get into why later). It means that even game nerds, who are on the absolute bottom of the social totem pole, will spit on you because they will not consider you to be relevant.

Wow! Playing a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons by myself sounds Awesome as long as I don’t tell anyone! How do I do it?

You need the following materials:

First Edition D&D Players Handbook, Dungeon Masters Guide, and Monster Manual (All available on E-Bay for about $40 total)

Dice which have the following number of sides: (4, 6 (get 3 of them), 8, 10 (get 2 of these), 12, and 20). They should be available at your local gaming store for about $5 total. Yes, they still have gaming stores if you look. They’re like peep shows… the people who have that need, know where to go to fulfill it. And just like peep shows, you’ll see a lot of awkward, pasty looking men scuttling out of the front door with brown paper bags under their arms. Don’t look anyone in the eye.

A table, a pencil, some paper, and a room where you can be sure that no one will walk in on you. Wherever you go to look at porn is probably the ideal place for something like this, too.

Some randomly generated dungeons which can be found at http://donjon.bin.sh/d20/dungeon/. The resulting dungeons are created for a rule set which is much newer than yours will be, but it’s easy enough to create house rules on any monsters/experience points which are not covered specifically in the dungeon descriptions. Commercial dungeons made for solo adventures are also OK, but there aren’t many of them and a disproportionate amount of them suck.

A critical hit table which can be found here:http://www.angelfire.com/dragon3/vinifera/critical_hit_table_2e.pdf . What that will do is, if an attack against a monster (or against you) is really, really successful, it can result in an arm being sliced off or something – which adds to the flavor big time.

Then play away, Dungeon Master! Don’t read the room descriptions, just move around the map and read each description as you enter. If a room contains a secret door or hidden treasure, roll a 6 sided die for every party member – if you roll a one, the door or treasure is detected. Create groups of at least 8 characters, because with bad luck and critical hits, the mortality rate will be high.

Warnings

Dungeons and Dragons has a lame reputation for a reason. If there is anything you take from all this, read the following and be sure to remember it well!

First of all, I am not talking about playing D&D in a group. Do not finish this article then run out and join the first pack of neckbeards that you can find. You will suffer, and everyone around you will suffer, and the most tragic aspect of it all will be that it could have been avoided.

Let me explain:

D&D was originally based on miniature war gaming. When it was first conceived of, play was 99% built around the idea that you go into some dark hole, indiscriminately kill monsters who are all ugly and all bad, become more skilled, then crawl into another dark hole to apply what you learned in the last one. Simple, right? It’s more than simple, it’s Awesome. In fact, everything should work like that. Life would be much shorter, but it would be interesting and have some sort of meaning.

However, over time, the group game evolved away from that idea. Nowadays, the average D&D player is even more poorly adjusted to society than I am. They don’t like fighting monsters unless the odds overwhelmingly favor them. They throw fits if their characters die, and worst of all, they enjoy going into imaginary towns and posturing in front of imaginary villagers. This causes conversations that are so lame, so ridiculous, that they defy description. For example, once in a while you’ll get some guy who wants his character to get laid, so he sits in a tavern and tries and get with some buxom tavern wench who is, of course, being played by a another neckbeard who is sitting on the other side of the table behind a cardboard screen. Neither the person playing the male character or the one playing the buxom wench has any experience with women and dating. The banter at the table goes like this:

Keith: “OK Seth, so you go into a tavern and sit down. This girl comes over to you and she’s got really big boobs and long black hair… ummm… and she stands close to you and she’s like, ‘Hey’.”

Seth: “What’s her comeliness?”

The crackling sound of rolling dice issues from behind the cardboard screen. I am seated at the middle of the table between the two neckbeards and look down at my hands with a grim expression, since I know how this story will end. I set my lips into a tight line and begin using the dice in front of me to build little towers, in an effort to ignore the conversation.

Keith: “15. No, she’s hotter than that, like 16, 17.”

Seth (blushing): “Dayummmmmm! Hehehehe. OK, so I say ‘hey’.”

Keith (as Buxom Wench): “Hey… ummm… you’re really hot. What’s your name?”

Seth (in his deepest voice): “I am Lord Comforter, prince of Down and hero of Qwertyuiop, and I am at your service!

Seth again: “Hey Keith, I like, lean over and press up against her boob to let her know I like her.”

Keith (giggling and blushing): “OK. So she presses back and leans over so you can see down her dress and then she’s like, ermm… That’s a big sword you have there. Do you have any other.. ummmmmmmmmm…. weapons?”

Seth (flustered): “Well, I have this bow and erm, a magical war hammer, and ermmmmm… ”

Keith (blushing so hard that he can barely talk): “No, Seth, she didn’t mean it like that. She meant it like…”

The conversation is broken by the sound of breaking glass. I have just smashed a bottle on the edge of the table, and am waving the jagged end at the other players with a wild gleam in my eye. Again.

Me: “For the love of God… that’s enough. Stop. OK? You need to stop. I will kill you both!”

10% of group Dungeons and Dragons is enjoyable. The rest consists of interactions just like that and you will end them just like I do, by threatening to kill people and being 100% serious about it. Where I’m going with all this is that while playing on your own is awesome, playing in a group is not the same experience.

Second, I am not talking about playing a new version of Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, I know you’re by yourself, but show some self-respect and play like a man. You want an old as hell version, with rudimentary character classes, rules that are simple and written by guys who would have done so for free, and no character motivation other than a desire to clean out random dungeons, kill stuff, and get more powerful. It’s that, or it’s nothing at all. Role playing and using exotic characters smacks of having a tea party with dolls, and you will have none of it if you want to have a Socially Frowned Upon hobby that is Awesome and not one that sucks.

So that’s it. You are now ready to play a really old version of Dungeons and Dragons in the most Awesome way possible – one that involves no kind of interaction at all with other people. Now get out there, cover a table with weird looking dice, homemade character sheets, and some crude rulebooks that are at least 25 years old, and get to it! 

And don’t tell anyone.

http://classroomclipart.com/

• Plant garden seeds
• Bake a cake
• Take a long walk with your dog
• Pick flowers from your garden or alleys and press them
• Clean up your bikes and pump up the tires
• Plan a camping trip for summer
• Watch for the first buds on a blooming tree or a bulb sprouting
• Start a log of birds you see in your yard (and draw pictures)
• Paint and hang a wooden birdhouse in your yard
• Wash your dirty house windows
• Uncover and dust off the patio furniture
• Make a spring wreath for your front door
• Make and hang your own wind chimes
• Fly a kite
• Catch raindrops in a jar and measure how much rain you get
• Make your first glass of lemonade of the season!

After seeing today’s weather report for most of our country, I have to wonder why January would be named National Hobby Month. What if a person’s hobby is surfing, bicycling or sailing? January would not be a great time for those hobbies - unless you live here in Miami. (I apologize for rubbing it in that it was 84 here today and sunny!)

So what are your hobbies? And your kids’ hobbies? If you don’t have enough hobbies that can be enjoyed during National Hobby Month, then try something new! Here are some ideas for the cold winter months:

• Aerobics
• Badminton
• Baking
• Ballet
• Balloon animal making
• Baseball Card Collecting
• Basket weaving
• Basketball
• Bead making
• Belly dancing
• Blogging
• Bonsai Growing
• Bowling
• Cake making
• Calligraphy
• Candle making
• Checkers
• Chess
• Coin Collecting
• Collage making
• Composing music
• Cooking
• Coupon clipping
• Crocheting
• Crossword Puzzles
• Dominoes
• Dryer lint crafting
• Dusting
• Eavesdropping
• Felt making
• Fencing
• Glass animal collecting
• Guitar
• Historical Reenactment
• Ironing
• Jewelry making
• Jigsaw Puzzles
• Journal writing
• Juggling
• Knitting
• Laundry folding
• Letter writing
• License plate collecting
• Magic tricks
• Marble Collecting
• Martial Arts
• Meditating
• Miniature box collecting
• Model collecting (cars, trains, planes, etc)
• Needlepoint
• Newspaper or magazine clipping
• Old movie watching
• Origami
• Paper airplane making
• Paper Mache
• Paper Weight Collecting
• People watching
• Photography
• Piano
• Pin-back button collecting
• Poetry writing
• Political memorabilia collecting
• Puppet theater plays
• Quilting
• Racquetball
• Reading
• River rock collecting
• Robot building
• Scrabble playing
• Scrapbooking
• Short film-making
• Singing
• Snow Globe collecting
• Soapmaking
• Sock drawer organizing
• Spoon collecting
• Star Gazing
• Sitar playing
• Sterilizing bathrooms/kitchens
• Sticker Collecting
• Swimming (indoor)
• Tap dancing
• Vacation house hunting
• Video Games
• Weightlifting
• Wine collecting
• Woodworking
• Wreath making

After wishing them well, my husband and boys headed to Sierra Summit for their annual Christmas ski trip. That meant "girls-only" weekend with my daughter. What to do first???
Well, after returning a few gifts, dining out and getting our nails done, we were bored.
We returned home, stared at each other for a while then had a random thought. "Let's try that guitar thing Tate got for Christmas." Elly groaned. We had already "tried" it under Tate's tutorial but bombed. Neither one of us could get one freakin' note. Deciding that we hated it forever, we didn't think it would be much better this time around. But we were game to try.
But, alas, I struck a few notes and was hooked. Mind you I'm still on the beginner set, but I couldn't get off. The songs are from my rock and roll days...not that I ever had one, but you know, Pat Benatar, Kiss, etc.
Unfortunately, I rocked a bit too hard, scaring Elly with my strong vocals in "Hit me with your best shot". I gave it a rest...only to pick up something new Saturday morning.
Elly and I headed over to our craft store, picked up a few skeins of yarn. It was time to teach my daughter how to crochet. Not that I knew how. A quick google got me what I needed. Beginner crochet lessons. Memories of my grandmother teaching me how to make granny squares flooded back, and soon I was making my chain stitch, double crochet stitch and even a round thingy. Yoo-hew! I was on fire. Step back a bit. The Elly part of this equation was frustrated to no end. So after a few teary sessions, we got out her knitting needles and she started on a scarf.
So here we were, Saturday evening, crochet-ing and knitting wildly. We even had dinner, finger food style. Two rockin', knittin' chicks.
Can't say that they will be my new hobbies, but it was great learning something new, taxing my brain (in the guitar hero sense) and having fun with my daughter.
As with every year, no New Years Eve mantras or resolutions for me. I plan to keep doing what I'm doing, adding the occasional splash of color from a new yarn or belting out a new song.

NOTE TO SELF: DON'T JUDGE A WORM BY ITS LOOKS


A New Zealand inventor of the "wormorator" has been forced to defend the use of worms in a composting toilet he has developed after officials became concerned that the creatures might become traumatised by the procedure. Coll Bell was told to get an expert's report on the mental impact on the tiger worms being used after an official became concerned during a site visit.He says the official felt that the worms were being unfairly treated, being expected to deal with human faeces, and that it could affect them in a psychological way.Mr Bell was told he had to get someone with the necessary qualifications to say the worms were happy. A vermiculture consultant was called in and she has found the worms are in excellent health and breeding happily.

In Bell's invention, a colony of worms filters solids from the toilet waste and the leftover water is filtered into underground trenches.

When you think about it and some would rather not and for sure some don't care one way or the other (most likely the latter), the mere fact that they are turning...you-know-what into rich loam could be an indication that they i.e. the worms, enjoy the process. Or...on the other hand and we don't really know since the worms, can't express their true inner feelings, their action and end result could be a result of the trauma of having to deal with human feces. I mean - it's totally understandable.

So my next question is: just where does one find somebody with the right qualifications or indeed any qualification to deal with worm trauma? Can the testimony of a vermiculturalist be believed? What does she/he do to test out her/his theory? Pull a worm out of the earth and have a conversation with it?

"Hello worm," she would probably say. "How 'ya doin' today? I'm fine! So...how d'ya like dealing with all that sh**?"

How could the vermiculturalist know the difference between an unhappy and happy worm? More to the point, does a worm know if its happy or unhappy? Do worms suffer from depression?

Also, in as far as hygeine is concerned, who would sit on this compost toilet?

The Auckland Regional Council's concerns went down the pan after vermiculture consultant Patricia Naidu found the worms in excellent health and breeding happily. I guess one has to take her word for it.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/071216/oddities/nzealand_animals_offbeat_worms

http://www.cabinetmagazine.org/issues/9/wherewild.php from Winter 2002/03