new posts in all blogs
Viewing: Blog Posts Tagged with: funny, Most Recent at Top [Help]
Results 51 - 75 of 539
How to use this Page
You are viewing the most recent posts tagged with the words: funny in the JacketFlap blog reader. What is a tag? Think of a tag as a keyword or category label. Tags can both help you find posts on JacketFlap.com as well as provide an easy way for you to "remember" and classify posts for later recall. Try adding a tag yourself by clicking "Add a tag" below a post's header. Scroll down through the list of Recent Posts in the left column and click on a post title that sounds interesting. You can view all posts from a specific blog by clicking the Blog name in the right column, or you can click a 'More Posts from this Blog' link in any individual post.
ZOO DIARY
SCENE: CITY ZOO. DAWN'S EARLY LIGHTSome of the zoo denizens are gathering together in preparation for the daily opening of the zoo. A whistle breaks the morning silence. The whistle is repeated again and again. A boa constrictor (MR. SQUEEZE) slither's out from the shadows.MR. SQUEEZEHello? Anyone? RATOh fer… That wasn`t the signal! It was supposed to be a bird callMR. SQUEEZEI think not! As I recall during the last meeting, we took a vote and decided on a whistle.RATYou left before the meeting ended. Remember?MR. SQUEEZEPerhaps…my memory isn’t what it used to be. Um…Ratty dear – you do have a lovely body…so smooth….so tempting…not a blemish anywhere… I mean, you keep yourself in such good shape. Your tail is especially attractive as a nice, little snack… I mean to say, located right there on your backRAT(running his hands up and down his tail)You think so? I have been told that by many… Why are you staring at me like that?MR. SQUEEZEHow about a nice hug, from one friend-to-another?RATYou have had supper, right?MR. SQUEEZEIf you can call cat food supper. The financial cutbacks here at the zoo leave me hungry and wanting moreRAT(backing up)Where is everyone, anyway? MR. SQUEEZEIs there any more news about the zoo being on the verge of bankruptcy? What will happen to us? It’s getting to the point that everyone is looking very – um – appealing – in the looks sense of courseRATThere’s no limit to what changes they’ll make to save a buck. We’re at the top of the list for sure. (A shadow emerges into the zoo light)(cont'd.) RAT Well it’s about time!ZEBRAI was memorizing my lines my dear man. We must emote. We must open our mouths to properly enunciate the words like this: “loooo-loooo-loooo…la-la-la-la…Me-me-me…” That’s the secret in being an adept thespian, like me. I’ll be doing a solo in the show tonight so I have to be readyRATYou haven’t heard? The show is cancelledZEBRASay what?MR. SQUEEZEUm…zebra - has anybody told you that you have a striking body structure? Do you mind if I lick you a bit? I mean, to say of course, what makes you tick as an actor?ZEBRAWhy thank you! Appearance if very important for an actor, y’know! Body appeal and all…audiences expect it, unlike other animals who shall remain unmentionedRATLet's practice in case they want us to perform for the paying customers. Who has the script, anyway?MR. SQUEEZEThe cheetah was supposed to make copies for everyoneCHEETAH(bouncing out from behind a tree)Somebody talking about me? Cheetah’s my name and running is my gameZEBRAWhere are the scripts or did you use them to line your den, again? CHEETAHA cheetah needs to make renovations now and then! You are looking particularly delicious tonight, zebra baby…that is to say, very fat and luscious… Of course I mean to say, so masterful in a leadership kind of wayZEBRAYou forgot to take your appetite depressants again, didn’t you? Ohmygawd! Run and hide!CHEETAHHe’s at it again, accusing me that I’m off my meds! Anybody tell you you’re very appealing – in an intellectual sort of way, zebra? Why don’t we go back to my den and discuss it? I’d like to show you my etchings…ZEBRAOh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Just like the last actor you invited up. All we found of him was a paper fragment with the word HELP! You disgusting beast!RATEnough! Everyone – back to your cages. It’s almost dawn and the visitors will soon be arriving. Does everyone know their parts?MR. SQUEEZEI lay around and look hungry. No problem there.ZEBRAI’m supposed to run back and forth and chew what is left of the one pathetic patch of grass. The ground is almost bare and my bones are beginning to stick outCHEETAHI like to suck bones… I mean, that is so sad!RATAnd we rats will be…rats. A few fights - a few deaths… Okay – places everyone. The zoo is openingCHEETAHMmmmmmm – that young visitor looks quite delicious…of course I’m referring to that cotton candy he’s eatingRATNow Cheetah, let’s not have a repeat of last week’s incident. Okay everyone – look cute! The paying customers are here! Places everyone! The show must go on!
By: scriberess,
on 11/26/2014
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
blog,
humor,
zebra,
funny,
Thanksgiving,
chicken,
turkey,
rat,
Zoo Diary,
Add a tag
ZOO DIARY –THANKSGIVING – TURKEY’s DILEMMA
SCENE: CITY ZOO Thanksgiving eve. The zoo denizens are upset with the zoo directorate having not been included in the Thanksgiving celebrations
RAT
Once again, we’re not included in Thanksgiving festivities ZEBRA
Did you really expect to? I mean, why should they? Who are we? Merely the tools in which they make money. That’s all - and how do they thank us? Closing the zoo for the day so we can’t even expect extra treats from visitors. This is so typically…human SOUND: GOBBLE-GOBBLE… GOBBLE-GOBBLE…. RAT
What’s that noise?
ZEBRA
Noise? What noise? Are my stripes straight?
RAT
You don’t hear that?
ZEBRA
‘You are magnificent… Those teeth…those sparkling eyes…’
RAT
Maybe if you’d get your face away from that mirror and stop admiring yourself…
ZEBRA
A person has to make sure that he looks good from every angle. Being the sole representative of the zebra specie in this zoo comes with a responsibility. A daily body examination is necessary to ensure that all my black stripes are evenly spaced on my perfectly white skin. ‘Yesssss! Perfection personified!’
RAT
Far be it to burst your bubble, Zeeb…
ZEBRA
…I am not zeeb - or zebby - or zeeby-baby. I’m a zebra. Z-E-B-R-A!
RAT Gotcha Zebby-boy – like I was sayin’ – the way that I see it, the stripe on your upper right leg doesn’t well…match the left
ZEBRA What?! You must be mistaken. It’s not possible… How could this be? I just checked it not two minutes ago and it was perfectly aligned
(MANNY, the boa constrictor slithers in)
Hey – how ‘ya doin’?
RAT
Manny – you’re out. Free. Did you eat lunch, yet?
ZEBRA
Yes Manny – I do hope they’ve fed you some nourishment. I mean, it’s important to keep up your strength. We don’t want you slithering around hungry looking for anybody, heh-heh…
RAT
That’s the last thing we want…being that we’re your friends and all…that is to say, we don’t want you to experience hunger pangs…
MANNY
As I remember, I had a nibble a month ago. Sure is quiet around here. No humans to knock on the glass of my enclosure
NOISE: GOBBLE-GOBBLE GOBBLE-GOBBLE…
RAT
There it is again. Sounds familiar-like…
(a turkey suddenly drops down from a tree)
TURKEY
Save me!
ZEBRA
A tree chicken. Never knew chickens live in trees.
TURKEY
I am a turkey who requires sanctuary
RAT
Listen chicken…
TURKEY
…turkey…I am – um – an endangered specie. Yes – that’s it and am declaring myself on the extinct list thus requiring sanctuary
ZEBRA
You must be someone important judging by your extensive vocabulary. All cultured and important species have an extensive vocabulary – and a beautiful body, of course
TURKEY
I am. In fact, I can state with absolute knowledge that I am number one on everyone’s hit list, today
MANNY
(slithering closer) Well I for one, believe you. You do look very appealing – in an endangered species way of course
RAT
Wish we could help, turkey, but we live out in the open
ZEBRA
I could send a protest letter to the Zoos of America if that could assist you in any way
TURKEY
I am doomed!
MANNY
(slithering almost directly in front of TURKEY) Well turkey – really feel for you, in the true sense of the word. I just happen to live inside in a huge glass enclosure that has lots of hiding places. Why don’t you come back to my pit and check things out? I live alone and there’s nobody to bother or see us TURKEY
That’s a very generous offer on your part – MANNY
- Manny – TURKEY Manny MANNY
Anything for a friend in need. (the two start to make their way to MANNY’s place)
(cont’d.) Did anyone ever tell you that you have a beautiful, full body. I bet under all those feathers, you have nice firm flesh
TURKEY
The farmer takes good care of me. You can see for yourself when we get back to your pit. MANNY
Oh I intend to TURKEY
Can I give you a hug?
MANNY
Later…when we’re alone…they’ll be plenty of hugging to go around…
THE MYSTERY OF THE SOCKS
SCENE: THE KITCEN OF MR. AND MRS. EVERYBODY. MRS. EVERYBODY IS LOADING THE DISHWASHERAT RISE: MR. EVERYBODY ENTERS THE KITCHEN CARRYING HIS SOCKSMR. EVERYBODYWhat's wrong with these socks?
MRS. EVERYBODYJust a sec - I'm loading the dishwasher...this new dish set we bought is too large. Takes up too much space...
MR. EVERYBODYYou had to have them, remember?
MRS. EVERYBODYExcuse me? May I remind you that you also were very anxious for me to get them 'cause they were on sale. Why are you holding two socks? Are you making hand puppets? 'Get...in...there...dishes...or...you're...gonna...feel...so...sorry...'
MR. EVERYBODYLike I said before, what's wrong with these socks?
MRS. EVERYBODY
Just another sec...let me start the dishwasher. Okay. Now you have my full attention. So I see two socks...navy blue to be exact. Look to be your size. I'll go out on a limb and say that they're yours Oh look! I made a play on words. Out on a limb...sock...leg... Get it?
MR. EVERYBODYYou should get your own comedy show. Now take a good look at them. Come closer. What do you see now?
MRS. EVERYBODYWhat do I get if I give you the right answer?
MR. EVERYBODYStop with the snarky remarks and look closely at them
MRS. EVERYBODYHere - hand them over. Okay. Like I said before, "a" pair of socks. Should I be look for something else? Are they socks from outer space?
MR. EVERYBODYDo you notice something...off, perhaps?
MRS. EVERYBODYHmmm...can't say that I do... The left one is worn out a bit at the toe?
MRS. EVERYBODY(
holding up a sock in each hand)
Now what do you see?
MRS. EVERYBODYOne sock in the left hand and another in the right. What's this big mystery?
MR. EVERYBODYHow about the size of both of them?
MRS. EVERYBODYI dunno...you take a size 10 shoe. I'll go out on a limb here and say that those socks, those very socks are size 10. Can we stop playing quiz show and get to the heart - or toe in this case - of the sock issue?
MR. EVERYBODYYou're right that these socks are navy blue but something is off
MRS. EVERBODYOf course! You're barefoot. Put them back on and the mystery is solved.
MR. EVERYBODYGetting closer to the point I'm trying to make. What do you think would happen if I put them back on?
MRS. EVERYBODYYour feet would be warm? I dunno!
MR. EVERYBODYHere - let me show you
(MR. EVERYBODY puts socks on his feet)(Cont'd.) Now what do you see?
MRS EVERYBODYUh-huh...I see now... One of your legs has shrunk. That happens in old age.
MR. EVERYBODYNot! They do not match. Not partners. Single socks. Looking for mates. Get the picture?
MRS. EVERYBODYNow I see what this is all about. You know - your pant legs cover up the socks. Nobody knows and I can assure you I won't tell
MR. EVERYBODYThat's not the point. Somewhere in the sock drawer...
MRS. EVERYBODY...or sock bag. There are a lot of single socks looking for a partner...
MR. EVERYBODYYou mean, there could be a matching sock to this one? Last week I wore a black sock on the left foot and a blue one on the right
MRS. EVERYBODYI'm sure nobody noticed. Did anyone say anything?
MR. EVERYBODYThey were probably too polite to mention anything especially since I was wearing a grey suit at the time!
MRS. EVERYBODYThese things do happen. You should check more carefully next tme
MR. EVERYBODY"I" should check?
MRS. EVERYBODYUh-oh! Darn dishwasher is acting up again. Sounds like somebody is playing a set of drums. When are you gonna call a repair guy? The neighbor upstairs is gonna complain again and there she goes, right on time!
'Okay Mrs. Bud-inski! I know!' I better go upstairs and calm the poor woman down.
MR. EVERYBODYWhat about the sock situation?
MRS. EVERYBODYWhat about it? Why don't you go take a look in the sock bag in the cupboard and maybe you'll get lucky and find your sock's mate. Then they can live happily ever after
MR. EVERYBODYThe last time you went up to calm down Mrs. Bud-inkski, you disappeared for a couple of hours
MRS. EVERYBODYIs it my fault she makes yummy strawberry cheese cake and buys off my silence?
NEXT TIME: AT THE MALL: THE EVERYBODYS' LOOK FOR A PARKING SPOT
Just read a piece that Nia Vardalos is doing a movie sequel to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". As much as I really enjoyed this film - I've seen it many times - my play, "A Wedding" which could be described as a Jewish equivalent, is as funny if not more. Here's a taste and scene out of the play to see what I'm talking about and see if you agree. It's part of one of my favorite scenes - but then they all are. Some of the formatting has been lost cut and pasting and transferring from Word.
THE SCENE: At the Greenberg house. The bride and groom's family are meeting for the first time for dinner. Lenor, mother of David, groom-to-be, is on the snobby side unlike his father Charles who is down to earth. Meanwhile, Sadie, mother of the bride, Rachel, is middle-class and in competition with Lenor while husband, Morty, is realistic and down-to-earth like Charles. Morty has done a lot more than taste the wine as his mother, Sylvia, arrives unannounced. The leg of a dining room chair is broken.
SADIE
Excuse me people…what kind of person visits at this time of night?
SADIE EXITS
SADIE re-enters with her mother-in-law, SYLVIA
And here is the answer to that question
MORTY
(slurred speech)
Ma? Whad'ya doing here? I fought you were shtaying wiv Elaine until shummer
SYLVIA
Can a mother visit her only son, without having to announce her arrival before? Maybe I should check into a hotel and come back tomorrow, since you have dinner guests. Are you drunk? My poor baby boy! See what living with you does to him, Sadie? The man has turned to liquor for escape. I warned you, Morty, what life would be like living with…her
SADIE
An excellent idea, Sylvia. Why don't you come back tomorrow…or maybe next month…next year? Never would even be better
MORTY
Don't talk shtupid! Shadie, put mom's shutecases in the rare shpoom. You've come jus' at the right time. You ate already?
SYLVIA
Your sister packed me a sandwich and fruit for the train but I finished that hours ago. Just make me some toast and a glass of tea and I'll go to my room until your company has left
MORTY
Nonshense! Rajel, go get a chair from the kitchen, for your…your… bubie. You heard our good news?
SYLVIA
Does anybody tell me anything? Who am I anyway? Just a sick, old woman shipped from place-to-place, because nobody has room for me. Why should anyone share their news with me?
MORTY
Our Rachel here is… em-em-gaged to be marry, ma!
SYLVIA
Uh-huh… So, you couldn't have picked up the phone to tell me, Sadie? You forgot my phone number, maybe? After all,
…I'm onlythe grandmother. Why should you share a happy event with me? So, introduce me to your fianceyRACHEL
David, this is Grammy Sylvia, my best friend in the whole world!
SADIE
And what am I? Chopped liver?
SYLVIA
Sadie dear, look at yourself as the pickled herring: always a hors d'oeuvre but never the main course. How many times have I told you that she always liked me better than you?
SYLVIA hugs RACHEL
SADIE
Come again? Morty – you better tell her…
MORTY
Now ma, you know you shouldn't tease Sabie like that. You shtill ‘aven't tol' us why you here
SYLVIA
Your sister, Elaine, went on a cruise so I landed up here on your doorstep. That cheapskate husband of hers didn't even pay for my fare. I tell you – nobody has respect for the aged anymore. In my days…
SADIE
Will you be honoring us with your presence for a long time, she asked, afraid of the answer?
MORTY
She jus' got here f-fur crying out loud. You-you can shtay for has l-long has you wan, ma
MORTY gets up to get another drink and SYLVIA
quickly takes his place
SADIE
Don't sit there ma!
SYLVIA
You want I should stand all night or maybe I should leave, better? I'm a weak, old woman…my legs don't hold me up any more. Oy! The pain! Starts in my big toe and travels all the way up my hip and stays there! Soon I'll need a wheelchair! Pain is my constant companion!
MORTY
Rushing over to pull chair away
Trust me ma, you don't wanna shit on that
SADIE
Weak like a bull! Rachel honey, go get your grammy a chair from the kitchen. Morty sweetheart, you don't look comfortable. Wouldn't you prefer to drink…sit in your favorite armchair over there, so you can relax?
RACHEL EXITS
MORTY
But…I wanna be able to…to…talk wid eberyone…
SADIE
I'm sure we can sacrifice your…witty observations of life, so that you can be comfortable!
MORTY staggers to the armchair
SYLVIA
The truth is you really don't want me to join your dinner party, do you. Don't worry 'bout old Sylvia. She'll watch television upstairs, all alone in her room, listening to everyone laughing and having a good time. Excuse me, people, for bothering you…it's past my bed time…just get me a glass for my teeth, Sadie, and I'll get out of your way
Starts to get up
MORTY
You know you're alwaysh welcome and you'll shtay 'ere to celbrate wid ush!
RACHEL enters with chair; MORTY follows her
SADIE
Places TV tray in front of MORTY
MORTY Cont'd. Absolutely! There's nothing I love more than a visit from your mother. Almost as much as an appointment with the dentist. Set a place for your bubie, Rachel
MORTY
Attempts to sit in armchair but jerks to an
standing position, waving arms as he speaksShadie mape her besh dish tonight, ma. Roast ducky in orange sauce, wiv orange booze
SYLVIA
Duck? I couldn't possibly eat that! Too fat and it's bad for my cholester-ail
MORTY
Couldn't you gib her shomething else?
MORTY teeters over to SADIE, tries to kiss
her on the cheek but she pulls awaySADIE
Oh something springs to mind alright, but I could get arrested for homicide
RACHEL
Moves a chair in back of SYLVIA, who sits down
I'm sure you could find something for grammy, mom, couldn't you?
SADIE
I'll go check what I have in the fridge. How 'bout a cheese sandwich, ma?
SYLVIA
It's low fat, I hope?
SADIE EXITS
…Where's your manners! Don't be so rude Morty and introduce me to your guests
MORTY is drinking another glass of liquor
at the bar
MORTY
Meet Dabid's parents, Lee-oree and Ch-Charmie Skybird
SYLVIA
So, what do you think of my granddaughter? Is she not a beauty?
LENOR
You have a lovely granddaughter, Sylvia. And what do you think of our David?
SYLVIA
Seems like a nice catch but he makes a living for my Rachel? She's used to good things!
LENOR
He's a corporate lawyer with a very good practice
SYLVIA
He's a partner in the firm, maybe?
LENOR
I'm sure that will happen in the future. After all – he's got all the right ingredients – a good family background…
SADIE RE-ENTERS
SADIE
Has my mother in law been telling you all the family secrets? Here's your cheese sandwich, ma, with low-fat dressing, just like you asked. Now close your mouth…and enjoy!
SYLVIA
So where's the lettuce? Salad greens are good for my constipation
LENOR
I'm definitely getting a migraine!
SADIE
(bowing)
Any particular kind…iceberg,romaine…bib…? Your wish is my command your majesty…I mean, Sylvia
SADIE EXITS
SYLVIA
Rachel sweetheart, bring me my small suitcase. I have all my medication inside
SADIE RE-ENTERS
SADIE
So what pills are you taking these days or do you have one of everything?
SYLVIA
With all my conditions, they're so many. This is for my vangina and this is for…
SADIE
…thank you for sharing, but I'm sure our guests aren't interested in all your pills
SYLVIA
I'll be at the wedding as long as my vangina doesn't act up but you never know
MORTY
How c-come n-n-nobody tol' me you 'ad am…vam-gi-na? I-I'm the son!
SADIE
Do you feel up to cutting us some more duck, dear?
MORTY stands up and teeters over to the table.
He grabs the carving fork, thrusts it in the
duck and hacks away
Morty…dearest, the duck is dead already! There's no reason to keep stabbing it!
LENOR takes her napkin and wipes her dress.
SADIE distributes plates of duck. When MORTY
takes his portion, he lifts the plate to his
lips and drinks; LENOR is horrified
MORTY
My Shabie makes the bes' gravy! You-you make dood guck, honey-bunny
SYLVIA
Did I mention I mixed up my medication and ended up in the hospital emergency room? I could'a died, y’know! Rachel dear, bring me my blood pressure thing-ie like a good girl
SADIE
No such luck - I mean, isn't it dangerous taking your own blood pressure? You could over pump and then… Why don't you let medo that for you?
MORTY puts on TV and an
ear-piercing screech comes from the TV.
Everyone jumps in response
MORTY
Look ad dat! My faborit all-time mooooomie is playing on our big screen TV too – Night of the Living Dead. Reminds me of our supper tonight…just a joke
SADIE
Thank you for sharing, sweetheart…
MORTY
Don'chu love zombies? They scare me shi-…
SADIE
- dearest, shouldn't you close the TV when we have guests?
MORTY
Why? We could all watch it togevver. Shabie – go make some popcorn for eberyone
SYLVIA
Let him watch his movie! It bothers you? You always were a fun killer
SADIE
I think you should close the TV – NOW – and we'll discuss this later, dearest?
RACHEL
You start clearing the table, mom, and let me take care of grammy
SADIE clears the table of dishes
SADIE
Morty dearest, be a darling and help me?
MORTY gets up but loses his balance and falls backward on the broken chair, which collapses under his weight
SYLVIA
You gave him that chair on purpose, didn't you Sadie? Don't think I'm not on to you trying to collect on his insurance. Your wife wants to trade you in for a new model, Morty. Better leave now while you still can!
SADIE
Oh God! She's over-medicated herself again
SADIE EXITS
SYLVIA
You could have married Roseanne Epstein and her family would have given you the world. She was crazy for you, Morty, and I hear she's divorced from her third husband. It's never to late to find real love
RACHEL
You're such a kidder, grammy! She loves pretending to hate mom, don't you?
SYLVIA looks away and doesn't answer
What a joker!
MORTY
(getting up from sitting on floor)
Shabie is my one and only true love! We m-may not be rich in dollars b-but my Sadie has a lot of sense. Get it? Dollars…cents…?
SADIE re-enters holding a cake with sparklers
on top
SADIE
Morty…sweetheart, why don't you give your mouth a rest…I mean, relax and watch your movie. You've had a long day but not half as long as this evening has been
CHARLES
Wow! That's some cake! I bet it tastes as good as it looks
MORTY
You outdone myself, my sweet bon-bon!
DAVID
You baked this for us? It must have taken you hours
SADIE
It was just a little something I whipped up
MORTY
My Shadie is good at whipping things, aren't you my little pickle?
SADIE
Who wants coffee and who wants tea?
LENOR
Nothing for me since both keep me up at night
SYLVIA
I know exactly where you're coming from Leoree. Drinking liquids before I go to bed makes me pee all night too! Sometimes I think I spend more time in the bathroom than I do in bed
LENOR
Charles dear, we really must leave now. My migraine is getting quite intense
LENOR stands up
Sadie, it's been wonderful meeting you and Monty…
CHARLES
We have to have a slice of this special cake Sadie made or she'll be insulted. Won't you Sadie? Just a little sliver…please?
LENOR sit down again
LENOR
Remember your cholesterol, dear…
SYLVIA
…you too? What pill are you taking for that? Wanna see all mine?
LENOR
I'll take half of the sliver you gave Charles
CHARLES
Now this is what I call a supper. Everything was perfect. Why don't share your recipes with Lenor? Anything is better than the grass we eat
LENOR
We really must leave dearest. I have a busy schedule tomorrow. Call me Sadie
MORTY
But… arem't… you… Lenor? If you…you wam me to call you Shabie, than Shabie it’ll be. I got a g-good idea! I'll call Shabie, Lemor, and Le-le-more, Shabie!
By: yesisedit,
on 11/5/2014
Blog:
Yesisedit's Weblog
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
children,
Life,
story,
friends,
photo,
love,
Thoughts,
nature,
animals,
Poem,
Money,
Future,
funny,
moon,
play,
time,
thought,
sky,
Murphy,
look,
political comment,
Hap Murphy,
Add a tag
Angleberger, Tom. 2014. Emperor Pickletine Rides the Bus. Recorded Books.
Sometimes you get lucky. I've had the opportunity to meet Tom Angleberger several times (including a Skype visit with my book club), I've had an enthusiastic group of Origami Yoda fans that frequent my library, and most recently, I won a copy of Emperor Pickletine Rides the Bus from Recorded Books (more on that in a minute).
Since the first time I read and reviewed The Strange Case of Origami in 2010, I've been a fan, and so have legions of kids. In addition to the fact that Tom Angleberger's writing style is perceptive, relevant, and flat-out funny; he, himself, is a great part of his success. Just check his website, or his presence on Twitter (@origamiyoda). He is unfailingly polite, positive, and accessible. Kids love him and he loves them right back.
Back to Emperor Pickletine... so, I entered the Recorded Books contest because I hoped to win something for my book club members. With rare exception, after I've read them, I give away any book I receive gratis. Lucky me! Not only did I receive the audio book, I received an Emperor Pickletine standee, some origami paper, and the biggest hit of all - pickle stickers - and boy, did they stink!
I was a little unsure about an audio book version of an illustrated book, however. Would it be as good? How can a narrator explain a comic? Will kids like it?
I discovered that, yes, it is as good. The Origami Yoda books are written as "case files" with multiple students from McQuarrie Middle School contributing to each file. The audio book version enhances that format because there is a cast of narrators, making it easy to differentiate between the student contributors.
It's difficult to explain exactly how the printed illustrations from the book are narrated, because I don't have a transcript, but I can assure you that they retain their humor and flow easily into the narrative. I was pleasantly surprised by this.
Will kids like it? My book club meets next week, but I already have two kids who have let me know that they are already audio book fans. I'm sure they'll like it. I did.
In the final chapter, Origami Yoda (voiced by none other than Tom Angleberger himself!) is heard to say,
"The end this is not,"
however, this
is the end of the series. And yes, you
will find out if Origami Yoda is indeed real.
A fond farewell, Origami Yoda! You'll be sorely missed.
My reviews of other Tom Angleberger books:
By:
Paula Becker,
on 10/27/2014
Blog:
Whateverings
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
Links,
halloween,
kids,
cute,
cartoon,
comic,
General Illustration,
children's illustration,
Samples,
witch,
vampire,
ghost,
funny,
pumpkin,
trick or treat,
paula j. becker,
dracula,
paula becker,
black cat,
bats,
spider,
frankenstein,
werewolf,
haunted house,
mummy,
Cartoons & Comics,
graveyard,
Add a tag
It’s been a while since I updated! Time to do so, and I’ll begin with a Halloween piece I worked on recently. The main piece and closeups are below. I can always add and tweak, but there is a time to call an illustration “Done!” Happy Halloween, everyone!
By: Mark Myers,
on 10/15/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
family,
running,
humor,
cars,
Men,
funny,
race,
marriage,
Dad,
It Made Me Laugh,
Add a tag
Who would have thought a 5k race could nearly lead to an arrest? I guess if you’ve been reading my blog long enough, you’ve figured out I can blunder my way into anything.
So it was Sunday when I ran a 5k for a benefit. The issue was not the run, I breezed through that with a typical mediocre time. The problem was that my daughter was one of the benefactors of the event and we needed to stay a long time after. A run on humid day for one who sweats profusely can lead to smells that disgust even my dog. I needed a change of clothing before I could reenter society.
Unlike most of my life, I planned ahead and brought a few towels along with a change of clothes. The race was held in an upscale shopping center that didn’t seem to accommodate porta-potties or any other proper facilities for a sweaty runner to disrobe. I couldn’t traipse through a fine dining establishment, dripping along the way and my planning stopped just short of a reconnaissance walk to find a bathroom.
Here’s where things went awry – the only thing I could think of was the back seat of the mini-van. No problem, I had towels that could allow me to be properly covered the entire time. When I got in the backseat, I looked around and noted I was in full view of the patio of three crowded restaurants. Again, no problem, the windows are tinted.
My problem? The key fob. Some people butt-dial and make innocuous phone calls. Not me. No, that’s not nearly stupid enough. No, I butt-press both sliding doors to the van open while I’m well into the disrobed portion of the clothes change. Fortunately, my posterior wasn’t into multi-tasking and didn’t hit the panic button.
There I sat, wide-eyed under a towel wondering why my display coincided with the dismissal of church leaving a sea of blue-haired ladies waiting for tables at the nearby restaurants. Members of the local fire department, who were standing by in case of a race emergency, took note of me also and began speaking into their radios. The police couldn’t be far behind.
I fumbled for the elusive key fob, cursed myself for laying it on the seat, and closed the doors. In a matter of seconds, I threw on my new set of clothes and wound my way through the gaggle of old women with my head held high. During the rest of the afternoon, I kept a paranoid eye out for the long arm of the law that was sure to be clamped on my shoulder at any minute. But it never came. The firemen must have been phoning friends to laugh about my situation and not alerting the police.
In today’s day and age, these things aren’t ever over. Someone could have been fast on the draw with video and my hiney might be splattered on Youtube. Until then, let me give you some advice – if you are doing something dicey in your car, know where your key fob is at all times. Those things are evil!
Filed under:
It Made Me Laugh
With Halloween just around the corner, it's a good time for a zombie book - even better yet - a
free zombie book for a lucky winner. Even if you don't win the book, you can enjoy my interview with
Havelock McCreely, author of the very funny,
My Zombie Hamster.
Havelock McCreely was kind enough to answer three questions for me. Here goes ...
Three questions for Havelock McCreely, author of
My Zombie Hamster:
1.
I’m shocked that MS Word will highlight McCreely as a misspelled word, but not Havelock. Do you need three syllables, or can you get it done in two?
HM: The name is Irish in origin, so the correct amount of syllables for authentic pronunciation is eight. (Or nine. It depends if you have all your own teeth or not.) But for our purposes, three will suffice.
2.
I can find little about you on your “official” bio, other than “Teller of Tall Tales. Adventurer. Swordsman. Discoverer of the Fountain of Youth. Author of many great works, the latest of which is My Zombie Hamster.” Did your discovery of the Fountain of Youth pique your interest in longevity, thus inspiring your interest in zombies, or did another path bring you to zombies? I’ve drunk from your Fountain of Youth, by the way. It tastes terrible. One does wonder though, what would be the effect of the Fountain of Youth on a zombie?
HM: Many good questions there. My discovery of the fountain of youth is a story that would put Indiana Jones to shame. And perhaps it will one day be told. Many are the times I’ve thought about writing down my own adventures in a series of easy-to-read volumes aimed at the younger audience. Thrilling is not the word. Well, it’s one word. But there are many others. Exciting. Dangerous. Death-defying. Amazing. (For instance, there’s the time I took up with the traveling circus as they crossed the planes of Africa. This is where I saved one of my young protégés from a life of mind-numbing boredom cleaning up after hippogriffs. Then there’s the time I saved an entire city from the Witch King of Mallidar. And this is where I saved my second protégé. They booth accompanied me on my many adventures and were with me when I discovered the fabled city of Shangri-La (which lead directly to my discovery of the fountain of youth.) Perhaps someday these tales will be told.
As to the taste, yes, I agree. Like rusted metal filtered through an old sock in which cabbage has been boiled. It’s not pleasant.
Finally, as to my discovery of the fountain possibly inspiring my interest in zombies, yes. You are indeed correct. The fountain was guarded by a village of zombies who had all drunk from the fountain. It brought back their minds and consciousness (but did not repair their bodies.) That was where I got the idea of my little twist on zombies.
3.
And of course, the most important question, what will Anti-Snuffles do next?
HM: Never fear, he will be back. I have recently put down my fountain pen and completed the second book in the series, Attack of the Zombie Clones. It features everything from the first book, but bigger, better, and undead-er.
Thanks for being a good sport, and best wishes to you for continued success with
My Zombie Hamster.
Put some fear of the undead into your October reading!
McCreely, Havelock. 2014.
My Zombie Hamster. New York: Egmont.
See below for print copy giveaway details.Zombie Zappers and constant vigilence keep Matt and the residents of his community safe from "deadbeats" - the zombies that live outside the town's protective walls. So on Christmas Eve, December 24, Matt Hunter isn't thinking about zombies; he's thinking about the new video game he wants for Christmas. His mother, however, had a more educational, more nurturing idea. On December 25, Matt receives Snuffles the hamster—a dumb, boring, little pet. At least it was—until it died.
I'll say one thing for zombie hamsters. They don't move as slowly as their human counterparts. ...
Snuffles had curled up and was rolling down the stairs like a bouncing ball. I raced after him.
He bolted along the wall. Dad was carrying a huge pile of firewood inside so the front door was wide open. I tried to get ahead of Snuffles to slam it shut, but I tripped on one of the stupid throw rugs Mom insists on leaving everywhere and landed on my stomach.
I pushed myself to my knees just in time to see Snuffles dart through the door and out into the front yard.
Was it my imagination, or did I hear a little undead squeak of triumph as he did so?
In chapters titled with the days beginning on December 24, Matt chronicles all the events until everything comes to a head at the annual town pet show on Saturday, February 4.
Matt doesn't do it alone, however. He enlists the help of his friends,
(excerpt from "Thursday, January 2")I emailed Charlie and told her to come over. I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.
"So let me get this straight," she said after I'd explained it to her. "Your dad bought you a hamster from a sleazy store and now it's turned into a zombie?"
"Yes!"
"And it's escaped?"
"Yes!"
"And you called it Snuffles?" she asked, trying not to laugh.
"I didn't call it Snuffles! The name sort of came with the hamster. But now he's called —" I paused dramatically.— "Anti-Snuffles."
At 208 pages, this is a quick read, but despite the adorable cuteness of the cover, it's a suitable choice for older kids, too.
My Zombie Hamster should appeal to grades 3-7. McCreely does a great job of combining the fear factor with humor. Matt and his friends are believable middle-schoolers - a little bit snarky, funny, sure of themselves, and prone to making poor choices. This is the first in a series that should have wide appeal.
Want your own copy of My Zombie Hamster?
Check back tomorrow for an interview with Havelock McCreely
and a chance to win a print copy of My Zombie Hamster.
(digital review copy provided by the publisher)
By: Mark Myers,
on 10/8/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
children,
family,
love,
humor,
parenting,
Men,
funny,
nostalgia,
Dad,
Fatherhood,
70's,
Dad stuff,
Add a tag
Running under a beautiful sunrise recently, I recalled a fond memory of my oldest daughter. When she was pint-sized, we figured out that she had never seen a sunrise. I know that sounds impossible, but our property lies in a valley where trees filter the sun until it is mid-morning and by then, the spectacular colors of dawn have faded away.
To remedy this, I woke her very early and the two of us went to the top of our street with lawn chairs to watch the sun peek over the horizon. It took three attempts to get a masterpiece. I remember seeing her tired, little face come alive in awe of the burst of reds and purples in the sky.
Don’t you love watching someone enjoy beauty, nature, or art for the first time?
This got me wondering, “What else have my kids missed?”
I know there are plenty of great movies my kids have never seen because I am not allowed to suggest films since The Great Jumanji Debacle of 2005. I built that one up to my family when they were far too young and I totally forgot some extremely spooky scenes. My third child didn’t sleep for weeks and still has nightmares about monkey boys attacking her.
Being a child of the 70’s, I have tried to share some good music with them. While I love AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, The Doobie Brothers, Van Halen and KISS, my kids weren’t fond of ringing hell’s bells and didn’t seem to want to rock and roll all night.
There were other good things from the seventies, though? I could share something else.
Mood rings
Awkwardly short gym shorts
Rotary phones without speed dial
Disco
Hair parted in the middle with wings
Bell bottoms
Car windows with cranks
Vinyl records
Ice cream trucks
Black & White TV’s with 3 channels
I made a mental list of these things. Although each brings back some fond memories for me, most of them have been improved upon. My kids are experiencing better versions, which made my list no less nostalgic for me, but not full of things they are poorer for missing. Frustrated with my inability to come up with much, I settled on one thing that every child needs to experience and mine had missed – until now.
Mooning! They had never been mooned. Well, they hadn’t until I thought of it. I spent the better part of the rest of that Saturday surprising them all over the house. Full moons, partial moons, waning crescents. I got them over and over. I doubt my celestial display was as majestic as the sunrise my eldest enjoyed. They giggled at first, but soon tired of it, locked their doors, and left me alone to come up with something else to share. All I could think of was streaking, but felt like my wife would be vehemently opposed to that one.
So I think we are going to put the 70’s to rest around here and let my children’s vision recover. After all the mooning, number three is having Jumanji-like nightmares again.
Photo credit: “Red sunrise”. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons -
Filed under:
Dad stuff
By: Mark Myers,
on 10/8/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
Dad stuff,
children,
family,
love,
humor,
parenting,
Men,
funny,
nostalgia,
Dad,
Fatherhood,
70's,
Add a tag
Running under a beautiful sunrise recently, I recalled a fond memory of my oldest daughter. When she was pint-sized, we figured out that she had never seen a sunrise. I know that sounds impossible, but our property lies in a valley where trees filter the sun until it is mid-morning and by then, the spectacular colors of dawn have faded away.
To remedy this, I woke her very early and the two of us went to the top of our street with lawn chairs to watch the sun peek over the horizon. It took three attempts to get a masterpiece. I remember seeing her tired, little face come alive in awe of the burst of reds and purples in the sky.
Don’t you love watching someone enjoy beauty, nature, or art for the first time?
This got me wondering, “What else have my kids missed?”
I know there are plenty of great movies my kids have never seen because I am not allowed to suggest films since The Great Jumanji Debacle of 2005. I built that one up to my family when they were far too young and I totally forgot some extremely spooky scenes. My third child didn’t sleep for weeks and still has nightmares about monkey boys attacking her.
Being a child of the 70’s, I have tried to share some good music with them. While I love AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, The Doobie Brothers, Van Halen and KISS, my kids weren’t fond of ringing hell’s bells and didn’t seem to want to rock and roll all night.
There were other good things from the seventies, though? I could share something else.
Mood rings
Awkwardly short gym shorts
Rotary phones without speed dial
Disco
Hair parted in the middle with wings
Bell bottoms
Car windows with cranks
Vinyl records
Ice cream trucks
Black & White TV’s with 3 channels
I made a mental list of these things. Although each brings back some fond memories for me, most of them have been improved upon. My kids are experiencing better versions, which made my list no less nostalgic for me, but not full of things they are poorer for missing. Frustrated with my inability to come up with much, I settled on one thing that every child needs to experience and mine had missed – until now.
Mooning! They had never been mooned. Well, they hadn’t until I thought of it. I spent the better part of the rest of that Saturday surprising them all over the house. Full moons, partial moons, waning crescents. I got them over and over. I doubt my celestial display was as majestic as the sunrise my eldest enjoyed. They giggled at first, but soon tired of it, locked their doors, and left me alone to come up with something else to share. All I could think of was streaking, but felt like my wife would be vehemently opposed to that one.
So I think we are going to put the 70’s to rest around here and let my children’s vision recover. After all the mooning, number three is having Jumanji-like nightmares again.
Photo credit: “Red sunrise”. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons -
Filed under:
Dad stuff
Huck and Rilla and I have just finished reading three chapters of The Boxcar Children—they wouldn’t let me stop—and now I give Huck a big squeeze and say, “Okay, baby, time to go play.” He’s surprised I’ve called him “baby”—I usually say “monkey” or “my love” (same difference)—and shoots a reproachful gaze my way.
“I’m not a baby.”
“I know. But you used to be, so it still pops out sometimes.”
He considers. “But I am still little.” Burrows a little closer into my side.
“Mm-hmm.” His hair has that magical small-child scent, half fruity shampoo and half little-boy-sweat.
He takes a deep breath, as if about to unburden himself of a trouble. “That’s why I’ve been wondering…”
“Yes?” The moment has become suddenly fraught; whatever is coming, it’s clearly a serious matter.
“I’ve been wondering why nobody cuts the crusts off my sandwiches.”
ZOO DIARY 11
SCENE: CITY ZOO. MORNING
The zoo opens to visitors. The animals in the zoo, which has fallen on hard times, make the usual animal sounds that visitors expect them to make
CHILD Look mom – a zebra! How many stripes do you think it has?
MOMWho knows. A lot for sure
CHILD A trillion? Can I feed him, mom?
MOMWe don’t feed zoo animals, sweetie
CHILD But…there’s a machine here with zebra food. All you have to do is put in some money and food falls out
MOMLet’s see...five dollars to feed a zebra? Um…perhaps another time
CHILD But mom – we only come here once in a while. He looks like he’s hungry. His bones are sticking out on his side
MOMFive dollars is a bit too much, sweetheart. Why don’t we go see the other animals
ZEBRAUm…excuse me, lady. May I interject here?
CHILDLook! The zebra speaks like we do
MOMDon’t be silly. Zebras don’t talk…
CHILDBut…I heard it with my own ears
MOMThere’s probably a speaker hidden somewhere in the cage. Zebras don’t talk. Let’s move along…
ZEBRAThey do when the situation is desperate. May I have your ear for a moment?
MOMOkay. You got me. Is it on the zebra itself?
(she searches the cage)
ZEBRA
Really – there are no speakers. We’ve always had this ability but kept it quiet because that’s what humans expect of zebras. However, recent circumstances call for emergency measures and this qualifies as one. Why don’t you give your son five dollars for the feeding machine?
MOMI’ll bite. This is one of those TV shows where you catch people off guard, right? I’m not forking over five dollars because it’s too much money. Got that, TV people?
ZEBRASee…thing is – the zoo has fallen on hard times and consequently has cut back on the amount of food it feeds us. Look at my rib cage. Mere skin and bones. I’m starving! The last time I had a meal was breakfast yesterday. Give the kid five bucks. Please! Unless you want the slow but certain demise of a zebra on your conscience
MOM(laughing)
What next? When will the program be on, anyway? We might be on TV, sweetie!
ZEBRA(shaking its head sadly)
Yeah – you’re right on. There’s somebody manipulating my mouth. The producer is telling me now that they need some visuals of you putting money in the machine and feeding me for the show
MOMSurrrre!
(opens purse, takes out five dollars and enters it in the slot. She smiles broadly)
I’ll go along. See? Putting five dollars in the machine. Here honey – feed the zebra
(boy feeds food to the zebra who gobbles it up immediately)
What’s the name of the TV show, anyway?
ZEBRA‘Desperation’ but you might find it difficult to find in your TV listings.
MOMWe’ll look for it. Let’s go see the cheetahs now, honey
(the mother and her child move along. A rat enters the zebra cage)
RATSo how’d it go?
ZEBRAManaged to get something to stave off my hunger pangs for a couple of hours but it was a hard sell, let me tell you!
RATDid you do your usual tap dance routine or stand there staring at them and looking pathetic?
ZEBRANeh. Told them they were part of a TV show and that the producers wanted images of them feeding me
RATYou didn’t tell me we were gonna be on TV. Going to spread the word to the rest of the animals. What’s the name of the program, anyway?
ZEBRANot really…I only said that… Desperation. The name of the show is Desperation
RATDesperation?
ZEBRAIndeed
By: Mark Myers,
on 9/30/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
college,
humor,
Men,
funny,
marriage,
Dad,
flirtation,
It Made Me Laugh,
flirt,
family,
Relationships,
Add a tag
I remember flirting – they did it back when I was in college, I think. It’s like penmanship – I was never any good at it. I was also bad at recognizing the few times it happened to me.
Case in point, I was at a party one time and a girl confided in me that she was having trouble with her boyfriend back home. She said it would be nice if she could find someone to make him jealous and gave me a long and rather odd look. I assumed the look meant she might be gassy or something, so I offered to refill her drink and plodded away.
Upon finding my friend, JC, I told him what had just happened. He gave me an equally odd look and said, “Dude, she wanted to make him jealous with you. Are you stupid?”
I refused to answer his charge, but rushed back to the young lady in question, only to find JC glued to her hip. In fact, he must have told every eligible male in the room because there seemed to be an impenetrable force field of testosterone around her. I have no idea what her intentions were and never saw her again.
Now I’m old and married. I flirt with my wife sometimes. I’m so bad at it that she mostly laughs at me when I do. I am a believer in wearing my wedding ring and I don’t frequent bars – so I don’t see much flirtation anymore. If I was bad at recognizing flirtation back in the day, I’m totally out of practice now.
Which brings me to a recent lunch where a lady half my age at a table nearby seemed to be peeking my way. It got downright embarrassing. I kept my head down – no sense leading her on with my charm and good looks (Ha!). After all, I am not available. I often wonder what a man in his 40’s would even talk about with a girl in her 20’s. Most of the time when a person that young talks to me, I feel like I’m watching Telemundo – I understand every third word and just nod a lot.
I felt the weight of this young lady’s stare all through lunch. My mind was ablaze with ways to tell my wife about it – that was going to be fun. The old man still has it! I couldn’t get in trouble for this. After all, several witnesses could testify that I didn’t initiate or encourage the situation. I was just a pawn in her game of lust.
At some point, she appeared two feet away from me. I had no desire to hurt her feelings. After I spurned her advances, I hoped she wouldn’t be crushed. Now that I saw her up close, she was a very attractive young lady who could easily find love with an available man closer to her age.
“Excuse me,” she said. “I’m sorry I was staring at you.”
“That’s okay,” I answered gently. “People say I look like Opie Taylor, so I get that a lot.”
Her look of confusion betrayed that she had no idea who that was… So young.
“No, that’s not it,” she said. “You just look familiar to me.”
The oldest pick-up line in the book. Here we go.
“I don’t think I know you,” I said.
“Oh, I know that. But you look exactly like my dad if he were bald. Do you mind if we take a selfie so I can send it to him?”
Crap…
I smiled as best I could as she took the picture with my friends laughing wildly. My boastful story to my wife died with the flash of her phone, as did a piece of my self-esteem. I really gotta stop shaving my head.
***
Artwork: The Flirtation by Eugen de Blaas
Filed under:
It Made Me Laugh
By: Mark Myers,
on 9/30/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
family,
Relationships,
college,
humor,
Men,
funny,
marriage,
Dad,
flirtation,
It Made Me Laugh,
flirt,
Add a tag
I remember flirting – they did it back when I was in college, I think. It’s like penmanship – I was never any good at it. I was also bad at recognizing the few times it happened to me.
Case in point, I was at a party one time and a girl confided in me that she was having trouble with her boyfriend back home. She said it would be nice if she could find someone to make him jealous and gave me a long and rather odd look. I assumed the look meant she might be gassy or something, so I offered to refill her drink and plodded away.
Upon finding my friend, JC, I told him what had just happened. He gave me an equally odd look and said, “Dude, she wanted to make him jealous with you. Are you stupid?”
I refused to answer his charge, but rushed back to the young lady in question, only to find JC glued to her hip. In fact, he must have told every eligible male in the room because there seemed to be an impenetrable force field of testosterone around her. I have no idea what her intentions were and never saw her again.
Now I’m old and married. I flirt with my wife sometimes. I’m so bad at it that she mostly laughs at me when I do. I am a believer in wearing my wedding ring and I don’t frequent bars – so I don’t see much flirtation anymore. If I was bad at recognizing flirtation back in the day, I’m totally out of practice now.
Which brings me to a recent lunch where a lady half my age at a table nearby seemed to be peeking my way. It got downright embarrassing. I kept my head down – no sense leading her on with my charm and good looks (Ha!). After all, I am not available. I often wonder what a man in his 40’s would even talk about with a girl in her 20’s. Most of the time when a person that young talks to me, I feel like I’m watching Telemundo – I understand every third word and just nod a lot.
I felt the weight of this young lady’s stare all through lunch. My mind was ablaze with ways to tell my wife about it – that was going to be fun. The old man still has it! I couldn’t get in trouble for this. After all, several witnesses could testify that I didn’t initiate or encourage the situation. I was just a pawn in her game of lust.
At some point, she appeared two feet away from me. I had no desire to hurt her feelings. After I spurned her advances, I hoped she wouldn’t be crushed. Now that I saw her up close, she was a very attractive young lady who could easily find love with an available man closer to her age.
“Excuse me,” she said. “I’m sorry I was staring at you.”
“That’s okay,” I answered gently. “People say I look like Opie Taylor, so I get that a lot.”
Her look of confusion betrayed that she had no idea who that was… So young.
“No, that’s not it,” she said. “You just look familiar to me.”
The oldest pick-up line in the book. Here we go.
“I don’t think I know you,” I said.
“Oh, I know that. But you look exactly like my dad if he were bald. Do you mind if we take a selfie so I can send it to him?”
Crap…
I smiled as best I could as she took the picture with my friends laughing wildly. My boastful story to my wife died with the flash of her phone, as did a piece of my self-esteem. I really gotta stop shaving my head.
***
Artwork: The Flirtation by Eugen de Blaas
Filed under:
It Made Me Laugh
By: Mark Myers,
on 9/24/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
humor,
stupid,
Men,
funny,
driving,
Dad,
trucks,
Fatherhood,
Learned Along the Way,
Add a tag
Monotony!
Boredom!
Interstate!
Fortunately, I don’t have to drive the interstate very often anymore. When I find myself stuck between white lines for a long drive, my mind melts into mush and I fantasize about escaping the madness in a flying car. There are two things I’ve always wanted to do while driving on the interstate. First, I’d like to drive through a rest area at full speed and just wave at all the shocked people getting out for a stretch. Second, I’d like to go through a truck weigh station.
Even a dolt like me realizes the first dream is too dangerous and I would never do it. But the second… hmmm.
I found myself so bored on a recent business trip through South Carolina that I thought it might be a good time to check out a weigh station. According to my calculations, I had plenty of time to get to my appointment and I always find South Carolinians to be extraordinarily kind. So when the exit sign appeared for All Trucks to be weighed, I followed a dingy yellow 18-wheeler off the road. I drive a pick-up – which is a truck, after all.
The truck behind me started honking immediately – impatient, I guess. Nearly deafened by his horn, I waited my turn in the line. They go relatively quickly and I was on the scale in no time. When I got there, an angry looking lady in brown was waiting for me.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she called angrily. “Just keep moving.”
“But it said, ‘all trucks’,” I countered with a smile, using my stupid-card, which I keep readily available in my wallet (and an extra copy in the glove box).
“It means big rigs, tractor-trailers…” she yelled in exasperation. “That’s the only thing we weigh here. Just keep moving please.”
I pushed my luck. I was here already, might as well get my money’s worth. “But I’ve been thinking I might have put on a few pounds lately – not exercising and all. Can you weigh me anyway?”
Her sense of humor as drab as her uniform, she was done with me. “Sir, I am a Highway Patrol Officer. If you don’t move along I will deal with you as such.”
“Goodbye, ma’am,” I said as I quickly obeyed.
And there I thought my experiment was over. I thought…
The officer must have been the forgiving type – I didn’t get pulled over for being stupid. However, the trucker behind me with the air horn took exception to my little prank. About two miles down the road, he was close enough to my truck bed to be considered cargo. I started to get nervous, but figured he wouldn’t keep at it too long if I slowed down to obey the posted fifty-five MPH speed limit. I was wrong. In fact, I think they still actually might have one of those CB networks they used in the 70’s to call a convoy.
I say that because within a mile, I looked ahead of me and another truck was going even slower than me. No worries. I started to pass only to find a blue rig to my left going the same speed as the impediment in front. Talked about hemmed in. I was stuck… and going fifty miles per hour all the way through South Carolina. My ‘plenty of time’ evaporated and I nearly missed my meeting entirely. My little prank must have broken some kind of trucker code.
Some stupid ideas should stay just that… as ideas.
The next time I get bored, I’ll stop at Cracker Barrel for a book on tape… and I won’t park anywhere near the big rigs.
Filed under:
Learned Along the Way
Stein, David Ezra. 2014. I'm My Own Dog. Somerville, MA: Candlewick.
I've got a few deadlines to meet so this will be short, but I couldn't let another day go by without shouting out to the virtual world, "I love this book!"
Funny, inventive, clever and touching, this book will work its way into your heart even as it has you laughing out loud.
This is no ordinary dog. No one owns him, no sir!
Every morning when I look
in the mirror, I lick my own
face because I am so happy
to see me.
I say, "GOOD DOG.
I AM A GOOD DOG."
You'll think so, too!
Don't just take my word for it. See more great reviews at
From the end papers,
The illustrations' line work was created using pen as well as a kids' marker hacked to dispense India Ink; it was then photocopied onto watercolor paper. The painting was done in liquid watercolor, with a hint of crayon on the dog's muzzle.
Ingeniously childish - a perfect presentation of a delightfully independent dog with a soft spot as big as his heart.
Click here to see an inside spread from I'm My Own Dog.
By: Mark Myers,
on 9/17/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
children,
family,
Relationships,
fiction,
scent,
Boys,
humor,
Men,
funny,
Dad,
husband,
smells,
daughters,
fragrances,
Dad stuff,
Add a tag
A relaxing morning, cooler temperatures, a good run, and a mystery to be solved. That’s what greeted me on Sunday. What started off as an excellent day devolved into a conspiracy against me! The evidence piled up early until I had no other option but to come to the conclusion that I am not trusted in my home when it comes to selecting fragrances.
No one would tell me this shocking news, of course. I had to figure it out on my own. Since my littlest’s sickness means my wife stays with her most of the time, I must do a good portion of the shopping. I am up to the task. I have now purchased things I didn’t know we used, needed, or even existed. One of those things is fragrance products. Did you know there is a whole store that just sells that? I knew about air fresheners, baking soda, and odor-eaters, but do we really need a store.
The aforementioned little one currently loves bubble bath – which apparently, they only sell at the smell store. So I volunteered the previous day to go and get her more. When I did so, I noticed a few sneers and strange looks around the room. Never did I think they would stoop so low as to plot an underhanded way to keep me from helping. But that’s just what they did.
I believe in honesty! If someone has an issue with me, tell me. I would much rather someone tell me that my pants are too tight and my shirt too puffy than let me walk around all day looking like a foolish pirate. I guess this is a value I have been lax in instilling in my children…
On our way home from church, we passed the smell store. When I suggested to the two daughters present that we stop in, I got fumbling excuses about homework and hunger. I should have known something was amiss right then. I mean, when do they ever want to do homework?
Arriving at home, pizza appeared from nowhere along with cold Dr. Pepper. I was ushered to the TV where the Falcons game was already cued up on the DVR. Hmmmm….
Lulled into a football coma, three hours passed as my team got pushed around by their opponent. Likewise, I got manhandled by five delicate females. Angry about the game, I grabbed my keys to go – only to find that the purchases had already been made.
I was going to get something exotic, tropical… something that would have let her float away to an island retreat… Whatever scent I picked would have soothed her beyond all her troubles. It would have uplifted her mood and spirits just to reflect on its glorious scent. My choices were as endless as a box a crayons:
Warm Vanilla Sugar
Peace, Love & Daisies
Pure Paradise
Endless Weekend
Why wouldn’t they let me? Why?
None would make eye contact with me as I probed for an answer, leaving me:
Hurt
Disappointed
Rejected
Betrayed
Finally the little one said, “Dad, you like the smell of your farts.”
And there it is! Honesty! That’s all I’m asking for. Wait… Huh?
Filed under:
Dad stuff
By: yesisedit,
on 9/12/2014
Blog:
Yesisedit's Weblog
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
children,
Life,
story,
Photos,
friends,
Fun,
photo,
love,
birds,
Thoughts,
Art,
nature,
animals,
Photography,
Ideas,
Color,
Poem,
Children's book,
funny,
world,
help,
thought,
colorful,
society,
Stories and art,
Say it ain't so,
1,
look,
childrens poems,
Hap Murphy,
Fuel for thought,
My view,
Add a tag
When you are feeling all alone, if you just sing out loud you may be surprised how many others will join in with you …
Contrary to appearances, we are not giving away our youngest son (and all his toys, to boot). The neighbors put out this shelving unit and we thought it might be just the thing to replace our sagging makeshift TV stand. We stand corrected. What it is JUST THE THING for is setting up a shop, of course. What were we thinking? The Legos and Wedgits are being offered in lots ranging from “small pile” to “big pile” to “treasure.” When business is slow, you can fold yourself into your house and take a nap.
TV stand. ::snort:: What nonsense adults come up with sometimes.
Below is my review of the audio version of Middle School: Ultimate Showdown by James Patterson and Julia Bergen, as it appeared in the June, 2014 edition of School Library Journal.
PATTERSON, James & Julia Bergen. Middle School: Ultimate Showdown. 2 CDs. 2 hrs. Hachette Audio. 2014. $18. ISBN 9781478952619.
Gr 3–6—Rafe Khatchadorian and his younger sister, Georgia, here engage in a series of rants about bullies, school dances, dress codes, and other middle school concerns. However, this work is not simply about rants. It centers on a showdown between the siblings—with listeners acting as judges. Included on the CD is a 66-page PDF offering. Listeners who print it out can vote, draw, play, and create, adding their own opinions to Rafe's and Georgia's. Narrators Bryan Kennedy and Cassandra Morris make it easy for listeners to follow the inevitable disagreements between the siblings. Morris, as Georgia, is likable, confident, and youthful. Kennedy's Rafe is perfect for the wisecracking troublemaker, but he suffers from the lack of character depth in the showdown format. Listeners not familiar with his character from other books in the series will find him shallow and arrogant. While considerable adaptations were made for the audiobook format, the necessity of printing and constantly referencing the lengthy PDF will likely limit this audiobook's appeal to book group facilitators and die-hard fans of the series.
Copyright © 2014 Library Journals, LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. Reprinted with permission.
###
By: Mark Myers,
on 8/26/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
It Made Me Laugh,
Relationships,
humor,
cars,
funny,
traffic,
anger,
truck,
rage,
BMW,
road rage,
Add a tag
I’m just curious, do you think someone’s true personality comes out when they get behind the wheel or does the protection of a ton of metal magnify some suppressed aggression?
Everyone knows “that guy” – the one who is too good to wait in line to merge with the rest of us. So he goes as far as he can, perhaps driving in the median or passing over a solid white line before entering traffic.
Do you think he cuts the bathroom line at the fair or knocks down the old lady at the self-checkout line because she is taking too long? I always wonder.
Yes, I have a specific driver in mind. He drives a white BMW and takes the same route as me to work every day (Although I do so legally and courteously). I am a mellow driver and don’t wrestle with road rage often. When I happen to see him cutting people off, I don’t fume. Rather, I have this dream scenario where I am at the perfect angle to wedge my old truck in front of him and seal off his escape. Then I hop out and interview him like Bob Barker on a game show. Oh, I don’t pummel him (probably), I just humiliate him into contrition – showing him the error in his ways and giving him opportunity to apologize to me as representative of all of the drivers he has treated so rudely over the years.
Funny how life plays out sometimes. I was sitting in the exact spot I had envisioned when I saw him coming up on the shoulder. As fate would have it, the line in front of me started to move at precisely the right time and I had what I think was the voice of Ferris Bueller whispering “Do it” in my ear. So I lurched my truck to the right and cut the imbecile off.
He slammed on his breaks and pounded the horn as I got out of my truck. I wish I’d had the skinny microphone and cheesy tie on – that would have been too perfect. I rounded my truck while he sat red-faced in his ultimate driving maching about to explode in rage. This was gonna be good!
Wearing my best disarming smile, I walked slowly toward his door. I wonder what he thought about the 6’, 3”, grinning, bald guy headed his way. Whatever was going through his dense mind, he didn’t feel compelled to roll down his window as he did in my dream.
Not surprisingly, he was kind of a little fella. I felt like I was forgetting something even though I knew my line was,“Tell him what he’s won, Johnny…. Well Bob, This rude driver will be late to work today!” (cue applause)
I have to say it got a little awkward with me standing there waiting to talk to him and all the rubberneckers around us wondering what was going on.
What had I forgotten?
Oh yeah, BMW’s go in both forward and reverse. They actually go pretty fast in reverse and spit up all kinds of roadside crap on any wannabe gameshow host who might happen to be standing in front of the car. In a matter of seconds, he was gone. He zoomed around me with a final honk and a proper salute while I watched, dirty and alone.
It was too late for me to go home to change and get to work on time. I just told everyone at the office that I had helped an old lady change her flat tire and let them think I was a saint instead of an idiot…
It’s better that way.
Filed under:
It Made Me Laugh
By: Mark Myers,
on 8/26/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
road rage,
It Made Me Laugh,
Relationships,
humor,
cars,
funny,
traffic,
anger,
truck,
rage,
BMW,
Add a tag
I’m just curious, do you think someone’s true personality comes out when they get behind the wheel or does the protection of a ton of metal magnify some suppressed aggression?
Everyone knows “that guy” – the one who is too good to wait in line to merge with the rest of us. So he goes as far as he can, perhaps driving in the median or passing over a solid white line before entering traffic.
Do you think he cuts the bathroom line at the fair or knocks down the old lady at the self-checkout line because she is taking too long? I always wonder.
Yes, I have a specific driver in mind. He drives a white BMW and takes the same route as me to work every day (Although I do so legally and courteously). I am a mellow driver and don’t wrestle with road rage often. When I happen to see him cutting people off, I don’t fume. Rather, I have this dream scenario where I am at the perfect angle to wedge my old truck in front of him and seal off his escape. Then I hop out and interview him like Bob Barker on a game show. Oh, I don’t pummel him (probably), I just humiliate him into contrition – showing him the error in his ways and giving him opportunity to apologize to me as representative of all of the drivers he has treated so rudely over the years.
Funny how life plays out sometimes. I was sitting in the exact spot I had envisioned when I saw him coming up on the shoulder. As fate would have it, the line in front of me started to move at precisely the right time and I had what I think was the voice of Ferris Bueller whispering “Do it” in my ear. So I lurched my truck to the right and cut the imbecile off.
He slammed on his breaks and pounded the horn as I got out of my truck. I wish I’d had the skinny microphone and cheesy tie on – that would have been too perfect. I rounded my truck while he sat red-faced in his ultimate driving maching about to explode in rage. This was gonna be good!
Wearing my best disarming smile, I walked slowly toward his door. I wonder what he thought about the 6’, 3”, grinning, bald guy headed his way. Whatever was going through his dense mind, he didn’t feel compelled to roll down his window as he did in my dream.
Not surprisingly, he was kind of a little fella. I felt like I was forgetting something even though I knew my line was,“Tell him what he’s won, Johnny…. Well Bob, This rude driver will be late to work today!” (cue applause)
I have to say it got a little awkward with me standing there waiting to talk to him and all the rubberneckers around us wondering what was going on.
What had I forgotten?
Oh yeah, BMW’s go in both forward and reverse. They actually go pretty fast in reverse and spit up all kinds of roadside crap on any wannabe gameshow host who might happen to be standing in front of the car. In a matter of seconds, he was gone. He zoomed around me with a final honk and a proper salute while I watched, dirty and alone.
It was too late for me to go home to change and get to work on time. I just told everyone at the office that I had helped an old lady change her flat tire and let them think I was a saint instead of an idiot…
It’s better that way.
Filed under:
It Made Me Laugh
By: Mark Myers,
on 8/21/2014
Blog:
(
Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:
Fatherhood,
soda,
daughters,
potato chips,
Dr. Pepper,
It Made Me Laugh,
family,
Health,
Relationships,
college,
humor,
parenting,
Men,
funny,
Dad,
Add a tag
And so, the wheel turns. My eldest has moved to college. Although my Lovely Wife (LW) tells me we have to keep her room intact because she will still come home, I remember that I never lived at home after I left for college. I am somewhat sad about that, but we’ve been prepping for this and hoping she would take flight someday. It’s just hard to watch the baby condor drop off the ledge knowing the perilous plunge that awaits.
I’m taking it pretty well, actually. LW, not so much. Everything in the house seems to remind her that one of her babies has left the nest. Tears, oh there have been tears. I don’t understand tears, nor do I deal with them very well. I remind LW that she’s always got me… forever… Somehow, that doesn’t seem to help.
After moving our collegian, we had to take our little patient in for treatment where she and mom stayed a few days. While they were gone, I happened into the pantry and realized LW must not have been there since baby condor left. If food packaging could form a face, every piece of junk food in there conspired to draw our missing daughter – even to me and I’m oblivious to the most obvious of things.
This was bad! I couldn’t let LW see this, she would cry for days. It all had to go, but the cheapskate in me said I also couldn’t throw out all of the food. Only one option remained. A 24 hour binge of Munchos and Dr. Pepper.
Have you ever read the nutrition label on those things? DON’T! You can gain 3 pounds just from holding the bag too long. They don’t list things by proportion, otherwise the label would read something like this:
Lard 70%
Air 27%
Salt 2.5%
Potatoes 0.5%
How they bond the ingredients I will never know. Anyway, I polished off the first bag for breakfast and washed it down with three Dr. Peppers. I checked the remaining inventory and was disheartened to discover that LW must have decided to stock up to try to lure the girl to forsake college and stay with us. Either that or she suspected a Y2k15 disaster and wanted to be prepared. Our pantry was like a saferoom.
This is where having many offspring should pay off! I enlisted the help of the remaining children. When I explained the dilemma, I got more “Oh, Dad” eye rolls than the average game of nine-ball. One took a Dr. Pepper before she left, so I was down to hoarder’s surplus minus one. Alone, I dug in for the day.
In the late evening, I was sure a trip the emergency room was in order. The pantry was reverting back to a faceless state, and my stomach was screaming something in Idahoan. I was sweating a substance that looked like maple syrup, which can’t be good. I put in a call to Poison Control where a kind gentleman told me there was no known toxicity in the combination, but urged me to go to the hospital if I felt light-headed. That’s the last thing I remember before passing out amongst the crumbs of the last bag.
When I came to, it was time to go and pick up LW and the youngest. I used the shower squeegee to remove the syrup-sweat and when I arrived, they were ready to go. The trip home was uneventful, I successfully hid the tick and slurred speech caused by sugar intake. While I was unloading the car, LW stopped me.
“Where are the snacks for the party?”
I shrugged my shoulders and grunted. I didn’t ask ‘what party’, I’m sure I’d been told.
“The pantry was full of them.”
“I dunno,” I replied without making eye contact.
“Well, we need more for the party Saturday. Can you go to the store?”
“Uh, sure.”
They say never go to the store hungry. I went full! And I bought $57 worth of Dr. Pepper and Munchos, feeling bloated and quite resentful. Even after all the sweets, this was a bitter pill to swallow.
Filed under:
It Made Me Laugh
View Next 25 Posts
Only to you, Mark! Only to you!!
this made me laugh out loud, while my class was napping. oops!
I am glad you laughed and weren’t one with a view laughing. That could be demoralizing.
Poor thing…bless your heart! ROFL
I’m sure that more than one of the old women out there said that (sans the ROFL)