How to use this Page

SCENE:  DEN IN THE EVERYBODY HOUSEHOLD.

AT RISE:  MRS. EVERYBODY IS HAVING AN IMPORTANT CHAT WHILE MR. EVERYBODY IS READING A NEWSPAPER

MRS. EVERYBODY
Why? Why must you torture me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this treatment other than heap undying love and devotion to your upkeep?

(MR. EVERYBODY glances up and returns to reading his book)

MRS. EVERYBODY
You seem to be dying slowly right in front of my eyes and I'm at a loss how to save you

MR. EVERYBODY
(looking around)
You talking to me?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Fed you top of the line nutritional supplements and this is the thanks I get

MR. EVERYBODY
I appreciate your cooking, honey. You make fantastic meals and really, I'm in great shape

MRS. EVERYBODY
You are not aging well, sweetheart

MR. EVERYBODY

(gets up to examine himself in the mirror on the wall behind him)

For the record, I'm in better condition now than I was when we married. Sure there's a few extra inches on my stomach but that's due to your good cooking. Work out on the tread mill...

MRS. EVERYBODY
I fear it's time for us to part, sweetheart. You are halfway between this world and the next

MR. EVERYBODY
Say what? Is it something I said?

MRS. EVERYBODY
You've given me a lot of pleasure over the years. Your nightly performance kept me riveted and it's something I will cherish all my life

MR. EVERYBODY
Hey! There's still a lot of life left in this body! Is there somebody else? I can change, y'know!

(MRS. EVERYBODY turns around and stares at her husband)

MRS. EVERYBODY
It's just so hard to say goodbye! Did you say something?

MR. EVERYBODY
You never said a word. I deserve to know who's the new love of your life!

MRS. EVERYBODY
Say what? What are you babbling about?

MR. EVERYBODY
You're leaving me!

MRS. EVERYBODY
Are you insane? You thought that... That is really funny

MRS. EVERYBODY
There is nothing funny about being informed that your wife is leaving your for someone else. It's always the husband that is the last to know

MRS. EVERYBODY
Husband of mine - I was talking to my prayer plant here that is slowly croaking after 40 years and I'm about to replace her with a new one

MR. EVERYBODY
How was I supposed to know? There was only you and me in the room and I never guessed you were talking to a...a... house plant

MRS. EVERYBODY
I've raised this houseplant from a small little stalk. Fed her...coddled her...and she gave me years of pleasure but lately she seems to have taken a turn for the worst. The writing is on the wall...or in this case, in all those brown leaves.

MR. EVERYBODY
A plant is a plant is a plant. Don't know what the big thing is. Just empty the pot and replace it with a new one. Simple

MRS. EVERYBODY
How could you be so cruel and callous! You just can't...discard it like it that!

MR. EVERYBODY
I dunno. Never bothers you to do that with your clothes

MRS. EVERYBODY
Besides, I read an article that said plants can sense pain and they react to it. How could I betray my friend after all the years we've been together? I feel like a killer! I feel like I'd be ripping out her guts and tearing her apart

MR. EVERYBODY
Not that I pretend to feel what you feel but check this out

(MR. EVERYBODY shows her a page of the newspaper)

MRS. EVERYBODY
What's this? The Plant-a-atrium is having a sale on houseplants?

(turns to look at plant and at newspaper ad)

(MRS. EVERYBODY cont'd.)  'Parting is such sweet sorrow my formerly green friend. Go meet your other friends in the composter! Do not think badly of me for I shall remember you with great fondness.' I'm ready.

MR. EVERYBODY
Ready for...?

MRS. EVERYBODY
To make new friends at the Plant-a-atrium, silly! We all gotta go some time. I mean, it's just a silly plant for heaven's sake...

Add a Comment

SCENE: THE KITCEN OF MR. AND MRS. EVERYBODY. MRS. EVERYBODY IS LOADING THE DISHWASHER

AT RISE: MR. EVERYBODY ENTERS THE KITCHEN CARRYING HIS SOCKS


MR. EVERYBODY
What's wrong with these socks?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Just a sec - I'm loading the dishwasher...this new dish set we bought is too large. Takes up too much space...

MR. EVERYBODY
You had to have them, remember?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Excuse me? May I remind you that you also were very anxious for me to get them 'cause they were on sale. Why are you holding two socks? Are you making hand puppets? 'Get...in...there...dishes...or...you're...gonna...feel...so...sorry...'

MR. EVERYBODY
Like I said before, what's wrong with these socks?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Just another sec...let me start the dishwasher. Okay. Now you have my full attention. So I see two socks...navy blue to be exact. Look to be your size. I'll go out on a limb and say that they're yours Oh look! I made a play on words. Out on a limb...sock...leg... Get it?

MR. EVERYBODY
You should get your own comedy show. Now take a good look at them. Come closer. What do you see now?

MRS. EVERYBODY
What do I get if I give you the right answer?

MR. EVERYBODY
Stop with the snarky remarks and look closely at them

MRS. EVERYBODY
Here - hand them over. Okay. Like I said before, "a" pair of socks. Should I be look for something else? Are they socks from outer space?

MR. EVERYBODY
Do you notice something...off, perhaps?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Hmmm...can't say that I do... The left one is worn out a bit at the toe?

MRS. EVERYBODY
(holding up a sock in each hand)
Now what do you see?

MRS. EVERYBODY
One sock in the left hand and another in the right. What's this big mystery?

MR. EVERYBODY
How about the size of both of them?

MRS. EVERYBODY
I dunno...you take a size 10 shoe. I'll go out on a limb here and say that those socks, those very socks are size 10. Can we stop playing quiz show and get to the heart - or toe in this case - of the sock issue?

MR. EVERYBODY
You're right that these socks are navy blue but something is off

MRS. EVERBODY
Of course! You're barefoot. Put them back on and the mystery is solved.

MR. EVERYBODY
Getting closer to the point I'm trying to make. What do you think would happen if I put them back on?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Your feet would be warm? I dunno!

MR. EVERYBODY
Here - let me show you

(MR. EVERYBODY puts socks on his feet)

(Cont'd.) Now what do you see?

MRS EVERYBODY
Uh-huh...I see now... One of your legs has shrunk. That happens in old age.

MR. EVERYBODY
Not! They do not match. Not partners. Single socks. Looking for mates. Get the picture?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Now I see what this is all about. You know - your pant legs cover up the socks. Nobody knows and I can assure you I won't tell

MR. EVERYBODY
That's not the point. Somewhere in the sock drawer...

MRS. EVERYBODY
...or sock bag. There are a lot of single socks looking for a partner...

MR. EVERYBODY
You mean, there could be a matching sock to this one? Last week I wore a black sock on the left foot and a blue one on the right

MRS. EVERYBODY
I'm sure nobody noticed. Did anyone say anything?

MR. EVERYBODY
They were probably too polite to mention anything especially since I was wearing a grey suit at the time!

MRS. EVERYBODY
These things do happen. You should check more carefully next tme

MR. EVERYBODY
"I" should check?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Uh-oh! Darn dishwasher is acting up again. Sounds like somebody is playing a set of drums. When are you gonna call a repair guy? The neighbor upstairs is gonna complain again and there she goes, right on time! 'Okay Mrs. Bud-inski! I know!' I better go upstairs and calm the poor woman down.

MR. EVERYBODY
What about the sock situation?

MRS. EVERYBODY
What about it? Why don't you go take a look in the sock bag in the cupboard and maybe you'll get lucky and find your sock's mate. Then they can live happily ever after

MR. EVERYBODY
The last time you went up to calm down Mrs. Bud-inkski, you disappeared for a couple of hours

MRS. EVERYBODY
Is it my fault she makes yummy strawberry cheese cake and buys off my silence?

NEXT TIME: AT THE MALL: THE EVERYBODYS' LOOK FOR A PARKING SPOT

Add a Comment