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Viewing Blog: Blog From a Neurotic Teenage Vampire, Most Recent at Top
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Blog parody of a 15 year old vampire trying to adapt to the 21st century. Spoofs on Twilight, Harry Potter, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and everthing else pop culture.
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1. Wk 33 - I'm Not a Dog!

What a freekin' week!! I was actually starting to feel good for once, so I stopped by Starbucks one morning to get myself a Frappachin-O-Positive (my fav -- way better than the Moch-A-Negative). I didn't have time to drink it before school, so I had to smuggle it into class, and the first second my teacher turned her back to write on the board, I downed it.  HUGE FREEKIN' MISTAKE! First I

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2. Wk 32 - Marshmallows and Fangs Don't Mix!

Now that my arch nemesis --The Artist Formerly Known as SPAM-- is no longer after me, my "Winner" scar has disappeared. Just like that. Well, this week the hot Sarah Michelle Gellar looking chick totally figured me out at one of our anti-vampire rallies. The day was wicked hot and I was so freekin' thirsty for some blood. I obviously couldn't drink in front of those phony Vampire Slayers (duh)

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3. Wk 31 - Stamp the Vamps!

Since I became girlfriendless last week, I was freakin' miserable! No worries, though. I'm back on target with a new hot chick. I told you how my school did away with its 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy on vampires ... It was the only smart thing my phony priciple did all year. Anyway, some stupid new club claiming to be Vampire Slayers are all bent out of shape about it. I think they've watched

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4. Wk30 : Blood Pong and Smurfs

Great Freekin' News!  I can finally stop looking over my back waiting for that phony SPAM to attack. But I am kind of pissed though ... that dumb-ass actually got a multimillion dollar contract for doing something even more evil than killing all of the people in the world named Anton. I'm sure you've heard that Oprah retired from the talk show business. Well now the industry is looking for the

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5. Wk 29 - I'm Multi-ling-- ... I CAN SPEAK TWO LANGUAGES!

This is totally insane!! I found out this week that I can talk to snakes. I took Hermy on a second date to the city zoo. It was the perfect place because, A) I figured I could take her through all the scary animals which would freak her out and make her want to stay real close to me and B) I've been feeling a little weak lately, so I wanted to scope out the Lion's cage for another late night

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6. Wk 28 - Snogging Rulz!

I'm so stoked after my first date with Hermy! It went really good. OK, it may have started off a tad shaky, but I eventually found my groove. Now I'm pretty sure she can't wait to go on another date with me. I took her out on Wednesday night, and since I'm going to be freekin' fifteen years old for the rest of my life, I'm never going to be able to get my license. So I had to get my idiot cousin

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7. Wk 27 - New Moon = New Lie

My werewolf friend, Growley, is such a freekin' baby! One little mishap and he starts crying like a little girl. I mean, look at all the things that happened to me this year. Do you see me whining about it? I'm talking about something that happened yesterday. Me and Growley were fulfilling a completely bogus deal we made with our phoney Principal to let us come back to school. To be freekin'

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8. Wk 26

Well, the Bite Club is done. Fake Brad Pitt started getting really wacked out. He called a special meeting to make soap one night with all of the members and they were really into it. How lame is that! So me and Growley kicked everyone out of the house and told them the club was over. Those losers didn't even care - they ran off and formed 'Soap Club'. LOSER PHONIES! At first I was buggin' out

1 Comments on Wk 26, last added: 3/31/2011
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9. Wk 25 - Who Needs Tiger's Blood

I was doing a lot of thinking earlier this week. That old dude, Charlie Sheen, is like some kind of freekin' genius! I mean just look at the guy - he's living like a rockstar. And Winning! He's got a million hot chicks wanting to be his girlfriend which he says is all because he has tiger blood. So I grabbed Garth last night and headed to the zoo after it closed. But I wasn't interested in

2 Comments on Wk 25 - Who Needs Tiger's Blood, last added: 3/14/2011
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10. Wk 24 - Winning

Did I mention being a Vampire sucks? Well it does. ROYALLY! I had my fight with that freakazoid Brad Pitt wannabe this week. And I'm still healing from it. I trained like some kind of bite-fighting olympian for the last two weeks for that match because I knew that wack-job was getting all pumped up watching 'Troy' and 'Interview with a Vampire'. So I knew it wasn't going to be easy to beat him.

6 Comments on Wk 24 - Winning, last added: 3/7/2011
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11. Wk 23 - School Spirit!

Well, me and Growley went back to school this week. And that would have been fine, except our Bite Club members really screwed us. They told me they talked to the principle and came to "an agreement" (you know <wink><wink>) about me and Growley being allowed back to school. So it turns out "an agreement" doesn't mean they ruffed the Pricipal up some. Those boneheads actually made a deal with

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12. Wk 22 - The Getaway

SEE - I KNEW IT!  Lady Gaga showed up in an egg at the Grammy's. I mean - ummm - that's what I've been told ... I couldn't watch because I was busy doing something more manly, like watching a Monster Truck Rally. She claims it was just a gimmick, but I'm not buying it. After my experience last week in her dressing room, I'm convicnced she's not the woman she claims to be.  I saw the movie Alien

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13. Wk 21

Man - a bunch of crap went down this week! First, I got an update on 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named'. Dad filled me in during one of his usual unannounced pop-ups. SPAM's starting to gather an army of other people who also hate the name Anton. The wacko calls them Anton Eaters. That maniac is really starting to piss me off! I mean, how humiliating would it be to be taken down by someone called

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14. Wk 20 - Garth's A.I. Audition

BITE CLUB Rules Rule 1 - You do not talk about Bite Club. Rule 2, You DO NOT talk about Bite Club.   That's the rules we've laid down for Bite Club so far. Yeah, yeah - I know the second rule is the same as the first one, but trust me - when we're telling it to new members, it sounds really cool. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway. The dummies joining our club don't listen - and Brad Pitt has 

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15. Wk 19 - Bored

I'm so freekin' bored!  I've been stuck in this stupid house listening to Garth sing all week since being suspended from my phony school. American Idol is coming around for their usual open auditions soon and that idiot has the idea in his head that he has a shot. Probably because I told him he has great natural talent and that he would blow the judges away. OK, so between me and you, a 

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16. Wk 18 - The Ultimate Prank

I don't know why I'm updating this stupid blog, but I have nothing else to do since I was suspended from school. That's right, those freekin' phonies suspended me! Hopefully your year is starting out better than mine. And things were really starting to turn around for me, too. Growley finally admitted he was a werewolf, SPAM came back without a nose (still laughing about that one), and I got

3 Comments on Wk 18 - The Ultimate Prank, last added: 1/10/2011
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17. WK 17 - Merry Freekin' Christmas!

It was another crazy week! Gandork's been really jumpy lately. I mean - yeah, he's usually doing something weird or freaky, but lately he's been going over the deep end. This morning he was running around the halls of the school like a madman, slamming his cane on the ground and screaming "Expelliarmus", "Expelliarmus". All the students just scattered thinking the old make-believe wizard

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18. Wk 16 - A Midnight Snack

The Stygian twins finally called this week. They're the girls I told you about that me and Garth met on Thanksgiving night when we got drunk on Vampire Wine. We met up with them, but decided they just weren't right for us, so we let them down easy. Please NEVER bring the subject of the Stygian twins up to me again.

This past week, I was really getting sick of sleeping at Garth's house, so I asked Growley if I could crash at his house one night to get a break from Garth's disgusting toxic room. At first it was all good - I was fast asleep on his couch. But then, an incident happened. Something so wickedly disturbing, I don't think I'll ever get over it.

It was like two o'clock in the middle of the night when I woke up to itch my leg. I thought maybe a mosquito had bitten me ... but I was WRONG. It was Growley! AND HE WAS GNAWING ON MY LEG!! I wish I could tell you I was kidding, but that is the absolute INSANE FREEKIN' TRUTH!

He said I was carrying on like a girl, and claimed that it was only a little sleep walking episode. Sure, my Vampire skin healed up fine over the next couple of days, but that's not the point. We're talking about my friend trying to eat my leg, people! After that, I forced him to confront his mom, and she FINALLY told him the truth about his Werewolf background.

Aside from almost getting eaten by my best friend this week, I've decided my main goal this year is to get a girlfriend. Let's face it, the older I get the harder it will be since I'll be stuck in this 15 yr old body forever.

I really like that Veronica chick and I know we've started out on a few bad notes, but I'm pretty sure I can win her heart. I found out that she is playing the lead role of Juliet in the school play, so I tried out for Romeo and got it! Yeah, yeah ... I know what you're thinking - school plays are totally dorky, especially with the nerdy way you have to talk in them like "What light through yonder window breaks?". I mean, what does that even mean? But hey ... a Vampire's gotta do what a Vampire's gotta do.

I have to admit, this acting thing is pretty hard work. I have to remember a ton of lines by next week's opening. And I'm pretty sure the play is in a totally made up language from that Shakesfear person. I really hope Veronica appreciates everything I'm doing for her.

And of course my scar's burning more than ever. Gandork says it's because 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named' is getting stronger. So now he wants me to start training to prepare for my fight with him.

That's when I finally confessed to him that I'm a Vampire, just in case it was important in planning my whole destined duel to the death thing. Gandork then confided in me that he is really a wizard posing as a school guidance counselor. I gotta tell ya, it was almost freekin' impossible to not laugh right there in his face.

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19. Wk 15 - Banned!

I can't believe I'm actually glad to be back writing this annoying blog. Last week, that big jerk Gandork told Mom he was concerned about my stress level, so she came up with the dumb idea to take me to Disney World. That might have been cool ten years ago, but I'm fifteen now. The only good thing was seeing the princesses walking around in their costumes - especially that Pocahontas. Still - everything else was a total disaster.

First of all, Garth and Aunt Celia decided to tag along. Jeez! - If Mom was really interested in wanting me to relax, she should have kept that idiot cousin away from me. I told you, he's got her believing I'm in danger with what he now calls the 'VHC' (the Vampire High Council). I have no clue where he got that one from - another phony Vampire show probably. Anyway - Mom and Garth both thought it was necessary for us to be in disguise.

My bad luck all started at the airport. Those phonies are so prejudiced! They had one of those new x-ray scanner machines that everyone's been screaming about lately. When you step into it, it pretty much shows you naked on a computer screen. I bet you a thousand people went before me without having to walk through it, but once that guard saw my fangs, he ordered me to step into the machine. THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP, MAN!! I'm talking about VAMPIRE PROFILING!! I swear I saw two hot girls behind the guard pointing and laughing at the screen. It was humiliating!

Then, because they took my bottle of blood with their whole stupid 'no liquids on the plane' rule, I got so hungry on the plane, I ended up ordering a glass of the blood they sell for Vampires. And of course it ended up being Organic Himalayan Yak Blood. I don't need to remind you about my first experience with that. We ended up making an emergency landing and switching planes. I'm glad though - I hope it takes them forever to fumigate their stupid plane!

Finally we got to Orlando and went to the Magic Kingdom, which was completely packed with Christmas coming up and all. I don't know how, but Mom convinced me to get on the "It's a Small World" ride. If you've never rode it, I suggest you stay far, far away from that hell trap. It's like some kind of ancient torture device. We must have waited in line for over an hour, and then once we actually got on the ride, it broke down and were stranded in the middle of it for another hour!!

In case you're lucky enough to have never been on it, basically they have you ride around in this little boat and watch all kinds of little annoying puppet kids sing "It's a Small World" over and over and over again. And if that's not bad enough, then they take you into another country and sing the song a million more times in their language. Then another country ... and well, you get the idea.  We got stuck in China and I must have heard them sing that song in Chinese a billion freekin' times. It completely stressed me out. I'm freaking out now just thinking about it. The melody has been stuck in my head since I got off the ride.

20. Wk 14 - Input Please

Hello everybody - C. Matthews here.  I would like to personally thank each and every one of you who have been reading and supporting Anton's posts to make his blog a success. He may not say it, but I know he appreciates your enthusiasm!

Anton's been under some considerable stress lately, so I ordered him to take a much needed vacation, and unfortunately that means he will not be blogging this week. 

I would like to take this opportunity to collect some feedback from you. What do you like to read Anton making fun of paying homage to? He has an opinion on everything that is pop culture, so please do not be shy. If you've been reading, you probably already know he tends to get a little frustrated excited at times, so please don't be offended if his views sometimes get a little out of hand.


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21. Wk 13

AHA! - I FREEKIN' TOLD YOU DOUBTERS! It's all over the headlines - the new Artist of the Year *WARNING* - if you're a Vampire, do not look directly at this link.

And you thought I was just being paranoid - making up some ridiculous story about J.B. Now what do yo have to say about it? Do you really think it's just coincidence that he was named Artist of the Year right after I let the Vampire secret out about him?  I'm telling you - this is all part of a mass conspiracy to wipe Vampires out!! I'm keeping tabs on you J.B.

But enough of that phony. Like I told you last week, I'm living at Garth's house now and have to share a bedroom with the dweeb. He's a major league slob! The room completely wreaks of bottles that are half filled with old blood. I bet you didn't know mold could grow over blood if it's left out long enough. Plus, that idiot has nightmares every night about the clinical trial he signed up for that turned him into a Vampire. He wakes up screaming and crying, like a little girl. You'd think he'd be traumatized about accidentally turning ME, but that he is just fine with.

Mom came over for Thanksgiving this week. Her and Aunt Celia (that's Garth's mom) felt bad that we couldn't have a proper holiday dinner like them, so Mom went out and bought a bottle of 'Vampire Wine'.

She figured it was just a fancy bottle of blood for the holidays, so her and Aunt Celia let us drink that while they pigged out on turkey.

Turns out it wasn't blood. In fact, we didn't know it was real wine until we started getting light headed, but by that time it was too late! Me and Garth ended up getting really drunk. We started burping and farting at the dinner table, cracking ourselves up as we finished the bottle.

So things might have gotten a little out of hand. Garth has some older friends who told him that when guys drink too much, they get 'Beer Muscles'. That means they start acting real tough - picking fights with bigger guys and stuff like that. Luckily that doesn't happen to Vampires, but I found out the hard way something that does.

'Beer Fangs' make Vampires believe they are much scarier than they actually are. Me and Garth got bored just sitting around the dinner table and started chasing our moms around like we were going to bite them. Of course we were kidding, but they didn't find it very funny and kicked us out of the house. And during Thanksgiving Dinner! We didn't care though, our Beer Fangs had given us a great idea.

We decided to walk over to the movie theater to see what the chick situation was like since we were feeling extra smooth from the Beer Fangs and all. Garth even suggested a great idea for me to kick it old-school with two of the hottest chicks at the theater - the Stygian Twins. I'm pretty sure they're models. I pulled out my Dracula cape

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22. Wk 12

I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about Vampires. All these stupid Vampire movies and shows have really given people the wrong idea about us.

Take the Sun - I don't even know how that old rumor got started, but it's a total lie. We can walk around in sunlight just as easily as you, so quite drinking the Kool-Aid already.

And stakes! Listen up Morons - we're dead - you can't kill us any more and we certainly aren't going to evaporate into dust from a little wood - it just doesn't happen. And I'm telling you right now, if any of you phonies do ever try stake me, I'm going to be wicked pissed because not only does it ruin a perfectly good shirt, I'm told that crap hurts really freekin' bad, so chill with that already.

One last thing - enough with the garlic. Of course we don't like it, just like all of you. It might taste good with pasta, but it makes you and me smell ridiculously bad and it doesn't affect Vampires the way you think - other than being completely annoying!

Sorry for that rant - I'm a little on edge right now. Something really bad happened in Science class yesterday. I shouldn't tell you, but you're bound to find out about it anyway, so I might as well get the scoop.

Even though all those things I mentioned above are not true about Vampires, there is one thing that nobody knew. Well, until yesterday. It's something that could wipe all Vampires off the face of the Earth ... for good. And trust me, I'm not just being dramatic.

I was in Science class when the teacher said we were going to watch some science program from a DVD she had. She started fussing with the TV - trying to get the DVD player to work, and that's when it happened. The TV had come on, but the program she was trying to play was still loading. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The channel was on MTV, and a new video just started. When I looked up at the screen, I was blinded -- like 'I couldn't see' - blinded. It was horrible - 'Destroyer of All the Undead'. I'm talking about Justin Bieber!  I'm not sure what it is about that kid, but if Vampires look at him too long, they turn to stone. You know - like that pissed off chick with all the snakes in her hair, from 'Clash of the Titans'.

Actually, if she cut those snakes off her head and got rid of the scaly bottom, she's really not that bad looking. Just saying ...

Luckily I only looked at him for a second, so I was just temporarily blinded. It's kind of like looking into the Sun; if you look too long, it's all over. But then his singing started its evil torture on my ears, like fingers scraping on a chalkboard, only like a million times worse! I jumped out of my seat, covered my ears, and ran for the door. What other choice did I have? Only I forgot that I still couldn't see and ended up running into the wall and knocked my self out.
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23. Wk 11

Talk about a long week!

My chances of being mega-rich are gone - thanks to my wanna-be lawyer, Vinnie Cochran. What a loser! He didn't even last a week on 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. And now that he's back in the spotlight, that phony dumped my class-action suit to team up with his old client to write a How-To book on defense trials. Can you believe the nerve of those guys!!

If anyone has a copy, can I borrow it? (stupid morbid curiosity)

So, Stephenie Meyer, I guess you're off the hook ... for now. But let this be a warning to you for the next time you decide to write about sparkly, overly sensitive, wussy vampires. In fact, see me first and I'll set you straight for a small consultation fee.

Remember Growley - the guy I had to sit next to in detention last week? Well, my first test to find out for sure if he was a werewolf was a bust. I put a sign out showing two paths: 1 for humans and 1 for werewolves. The guy really isn't the brightest bulb in the pack because he just stood there for like 15 minutes scratching his head and then turned around and walked the other way.

After that, I was determined to find out, so I rented a bunch of werewolf movies to research further. The first one I rented was a lame 80's movie called 'Teenwolf'. How could I not? - Growley's a teen and I'm pretty sure he's a werewolf. According to the movie, werewolves are really excellent basketball players. So I tested the theory out on him in gym class.

Yep - another stinkin' failed test.

But I just knew this guy was different. Call it Vampire instinct. So I watched 'Wolf' with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer (a total babe by the way). The main thing I learned from that movie was that werewolves love to eat animals. I not kidding - there were dead eaten animals in almost every scene. Pretty disgusting actually! If that were really true, that would be one fat freekin' werewolf, but I went with the information anyway.

Now, if you've been reading my blog, you know I've been thrown into a lot of situations that made me look crazy, but you and I both know the truth. My point is, don't go judging me on what I'm about to tell you before you read the whole thing.

So I walked around after school for like 5 hours and picked up all the road kill in my town to feed Growley. And don't you phonies go calling PETA on me because the animals were already dead. I had to get a lot because if werewolves really are that hungry, I figured it wo

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24. Wk 10

My week started out with AWESOME NEWS! Veronica decided to drop her restraining order against me after the whole incident that I don't like to talk about any more. She must have found out I'm now 'The Stipulation' and couldn't resist being away from me.

I noticed this week that I'm the only vampire walking around with fangs on the outside of the mouth - like an idiot. So I tucked them under my bottom lip.

I've got to admit, it looked pretty natural. I don't even think people could tell I was a vampire after that.

But I should have took them out before I went to bed. I must have had a bad dream because I ended up grinding my teeth pretty good and my whole freekin' jaw was killing me the next day. And of course, that's the day I chose to ask out Veronica.

She was sitting alone at the lunch table when I decided to make my move. It was going really good until I took a big gulp of blood from my thermos. She got all crazed all of a sudden - screaming at the top of her lungs. At first I thought it was simply because I sat next to her (which made me feel like a huge dweeb), but then I realized I was squirting blood on her through two holes in my lower lip that must have happened from my fangs poking through the night before. No wonder my jaw was hurting so bad!

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25. Wk 09

I really hate when the batteries in my remote die. I was surfing the channels on Saturday when I landed on MTV's Cribs. I know - I know - it's a lame show, but I just can't seem to turn it off. If you haven't seen it, it's all about phony celebrities bragging and showing off their fancy houses and rubbing it in your face. Those looser snobs!!

Dad actually haunted some of their houses, and trust me, they aren't showing you everything! In fact, some of those creepy celebs are into some really weird crap - like a grown men having an entirely secret room dedicated to a miniature Barbi World! I'd love to say who that was, because it's someone all the girls made such a big stupid fuss over. I won't reveal him, but he may have been in a boy band at one time. See that, ladies! It doesn't always pay to choose the good looking guys.

Anyway, that's when the remote died, so I was stuck watching MTV all day until mom could get new batteries. And of course, right after Cribs was an ALL DAY marathon of 'THE JERSEY SHORE!' It was even more torturous than watching those wussy vampires sparkle in Twilight. I know I said Edward was the biggest Tool around, but I may have been wrong about that.

There's actually a guy on that show that calls himself 'The Situation'. I swear I'm not making that up, either! Are you chicks really into guys like that? I don't see what's so special about him. I mean - I have the same body type as him.

But I will admit, just like that stupid Edward, he does manage to get the babes. So I'm thinking of giving myself a nickname. I can't go calling myself 'The Situation' just in case he has it trademarked - you know like how I'm getting 'Life Sucks' trademarked. But I thought of an even better name. -- 'The Stipulation'

Think about it - 'The Situation' can go either way. Yeah, it could be a 'good' situation, but it can just as easily be a 'bad' situation (and who wants that). But "The Stipulation" has a certain mystery to it. Like, if you want to go out with me, there are things to consider. It will keep all the babes wondering about me and that's what it's all about. And just so we're clear - this doesn't mean I think 'The Situation' is cool.

The Twilight lawsuit isn't looking good. My lawyer, Vinnie Cochran, has been getting a lot of publicity with all the recent hype over our class action suit and now he's getting all fame-crazed from the attention and talking about going on that new show 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. I guess he's just one more phony in this crappy world.

The only good part of my week was seeing Garth go down in flames. That bonehead's still trying to learn vampire tricks from 'True Blood', so he went out this week and tried to 'Glamour' (still think that's a really stupid name for it) a girl at the mall into going on a date with him. He even included a wave of his hand, like he was some kind of dumb Jedi-Knight Vampire. If only I had taped it

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