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By: C Matthews,
on 9/29/2011
What a freekin' week!! I was actually starting to feel good for once, so I stopped by Starbucks one morning to get myself a Frappachin-O-Positive (my fav -- way better than the Moch-A-Negative). I didn't have time to drink it before school, so I had to smuggle it into class, and the first second my teacher turned her back to write on the board, I downed it. HUGE FREEKIN' MISTAKE! First I
By: C Matthews,
on 9/9/2011
Now that my arch nemesis --The Artist Formerly Known as SPAM-- is no longer after me, my "Winner" scar has disappeared. Just like that. Well, this week the hot Sarah Michelle Gellar looking chick totally figured me out at one of our anti-vampire rallies. The day was wicked hot and I was so freekin' thirsty for some blood. I obviously couldn't drink in front of those phony Vampire Slayers (duh)
By: C Matthews,
on 8/4/2011
Since I became girlfriendless last week, I was freakin' miserable! No worries, though. I'm back on target with a new hot chick. I told you how my school did away with its 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy on vampires ... It was the only smart thing my phony priciple did all year. Anyway, some stupid new club claiming to be Vampire Slayers are all bent out of shape about it. I think they've watched
By: C Matthews,
on 7/25/2011
Great Freekin' News! I can finally stop looking over my back waiting for that phony SPAM to attack. But I am kind of pissed though ... that dumb-ass actually got a multimillion dollar contract for doing something even more evil than killing all of the people in the world named Anton. I'm sure you've heard that Oprah retired from the talk show business. Well now the industry is looking for the
By: C Matthews,
on 6/24/2011
This is totally insane!! I found out this week that I can talk to snakes. I took Hermy on a second date to the city zoo. It was the perfect place because, A) I figured I could take her through all the scary animals which would freak her out and make her want to stay real close to me and B) I've been feeling a little weak lately, so I wanted to scope out the Lion's cage for another late night
By: C Matthews,
on 4/26/2011
I'm so stoked after my first date with Hermy! It went really good. OK, it may have started off a tad shaky, but I eventually found my groove. Now I'm pretty sure she can't wait to go on another date with me. I took her out on Wednesday night, and since I'm going to be freekin' fifteen years old for the rest of my life, I'm never going to be able to get my license. So I had to get my idiot cousin
By: C Matthews,
on 4/11/2011
My werewolf friend, Growley, is such a freekin' baby! One little mishap and he starts crying like a little girl. I mean, look at all the things that happened to me this year. Do you see me whining about it? I'm talking about something that happened yesterday. Me and Growley were fulfilling a completely bogus deal we made with our phoney Principal to let us come back to school. To be freekin'
By: C Matthews,
on 3/28/2011
Well, the Bite Club is done. Fake Brad Pitt started getting really wacked out. He called a special meeting to make soap one night with all of the members and they were really into it. How lame is that! So me and Growley kicked everyone out of the house and told them the club was over. Those losers didn't even care - they ran off and formed 'Soap Club'. LOSER PHONIES! At first I was buggin' out
By: C Matthews,
on 3/10/2011
I was doing a lot of thinking earlier this week. That old dude, Charlie Sheen, is like some kind of freekin' genius! I mean just look at the guy - he's living like a rockstar. And Winning! He's got a million hot chicks wanting to be his girlfriend which he says is all because he has tiger blood. So I grabbed Garth last night and headed to the zoo after it closed. But I wasn't interested in
By: C Matthews,
on 3/3/2011
Did I mention being a Vampire sucks? Well it does. ROYALLY! I had my fight with that freakazoid Brad Pitt wannabe this week. And I'm still healing from it. I trained like some kind of bite-fighting olympian for the last two weeks for that match because I knew that wack-job was getting all pumped up watching 'Troy' and 'Interview with a Vampire'. So I knew it wasn't going to be easy to beat him.
By: C Matthews,
on 2/24/2011
Well, me and Growley went back to school this week. And that would have been fine, except our Bite Club members really screwed us. They told me they talked to the principle and came to "an agreement" (you know <wink><wink>) about me and Growley being allowed back to school. So it turns out "an agreement" doesn't mean they ruffed the Pricipal up some. Those boneheads actually made a deal with
By: C Matthews,
on 2/17/2011
SEE - I KNEW IT! Lady Gaga showed up in an egg at the Grammy's. I mean - ummm - that's what I've been told ... I couldn't watch because I was busy doing something more manly, like watching a Monster Truck Rally. She claims it was just a gimmick, but I'm not buying it. After my experience last week in her dressing room, I'm convicnced she's not the woman she claims to be. I saw the movie Alien
By: C Matthews,
on 1/30/2011
Man - a bunch of crap went down this week! First, I got an update on 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named'. Dad filled me in during one of his usual unannounced pop-ups. SPAM's starting to gather an army of other people who also hate the name Anton. The wacko calls them Anton Eaters. That maniac is really starting to piss me off! I mean, how humiliating would it be to be taken down by someone called
By: C Matthews,
on 1/20/2011
BITE CLUB Rules Rule 1 - You do not talk about Bite Club. Rule 2, You DO NOT talk about Bite Club. That's the rules we've laid down for Bite Club so far. Yeah, yeah - I know the second rule is the same as the first one, but trust me - when we're telling it to new members, it sounds really cool. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway. The dummies joining our club don't listen - and Brad Pitt has
By: C Matthews,
on 1/14/2011
I'm so freekin' bored! I've been stuck in this stupid house listening to Garth sing all week since being suspended from my phony school. American Idol is coming around for their usual open auditions soon and that idiot has the idea in his head that he has a shot. Probably because I told him he has great natural talent and that he would blow the judges away. OK, so between me and you, a
By: C Matthews,
on 1/6/2011
I don't know why I'm updating this stupid blog, but I have nothing else to do since I was suspended from school. That's right, those freekin' phonies suspended me! Hopefully your year is starting out better than mine. And things were really starting to turn around for me, too. Growley finally admitted he was a werewolf, SPAM came back without a nose (still laughing about that one), and I got
By: C Matthews,
on 12/23/2010
It was another crazy week! Gandork's been really jumpy lately. I mean - yeah, he's usually doing something weird or freaky, but lately he's been going over the deep end. This morning he was running around the halls of the school like a madman, slamming his cane on the ground and screaming "Expelliarmus", "Expelliarmus". All the students just scattered thinking the old make-believe wizard
By: C Matthews,
on 12/16/2010
The Stygian twins finally called this week. They're the girls I told you about that me and Garth met on Thanksgiving night when we got drunk on Vampire Wine. We met up with them, but decided they just weren't right for us, so we let them down easy. Please NEVER bring the subject of the Stygian twins up to me again.
This past week, I was really getting sick of sleeping at Garth's house, so I asked Growley if I could crash at his house one night to get a break from Garth's disgusting toxic room. At first it was all good - I was fast asleep on his couch. But then, an incident happened. Something so wickedly disturbing, I don't think I'll ever get over it.
It was like two o'clock in the middle of the night when I woke up to itch my leg. I thought maybe a mosquito had bitten me ... but I was WRONG. It was Growley! AND HE WAS GNAWING ON MY LEG!! I wish I could tell you I was kidding, but that is the absolute INSANE FREEKIN' TRUTH!
By: C Matthews,
on 12/10/2010
I can't believe I'm actually glad to be back writing this annoying blog. Last week, that big jerk Gandork told Mom he was concerned about my stress level, so she came up with the dumb idea to take me to Disney World. That might have been cool ten years ago, but I'm fifteen now. The only good thing was seeing the princesses walking around in their costumes - especially that Pocahontas. Still - everything else was a total disaster.
First of all, Garth and Aunt Celia decided to tag along. Jeez! - If Mom was really interested in wanting me to relax, she should have kept that idiot cousin away from me. I told you, he's got her believing I'm in danger with what he now calls the 'VHC' (the Vampire High Council). I have no clue where he got that one from - another phony Vampire show probably. Anyway - Mom and Garth both thought it was necessary for us to be in disguise.
My bad luck all started at the airport. Those phonies are so prejudiced! They had one of those new x-ray scanner machines that everyone's been screaming about lately. When you step into it, it pretty much shows you naked on a computer screen. I bet you a thousand people went before me without having to walk through it, but once that guard saw my fangs, he ordered me to step into the machine. THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP, MAN!! I'm talking about VAMPIRE PROFILING!! I swear I saw two hot girls behind the guard pointing and laughing at the screen. It was humiliating!
Then, because they took my bottle of blood with their whole stupid 'no liquids on the plane' rule, I got so hungry on the plane, I ended up ordering a glass of the blood they sell for Vampires. And of course it ended up being Organic Himalayan Yak Blood. I don't need to remind you about my first experience with that. We ended up making an emergency landing and switching planes. I'm glad though - I hope it takes them forever to fumigate their stupid plane!
Finally we got to Orlando and went to the Magic Kingdom, which was completely packed with Christmas coming up and all. I don't know how, but Mom convinced me to get on the "It's a Small World" ride. If you've never rode it, I suggest you stay far, far away from that hell trap. It's like some kind of ancient torture device. We must have waited in line for over an hour, and then once we actually got on the ride, it broke down and were stranded in the middle of it for another hour!!
In case you're lucky enough to have never been on it, basically they have you ride around in this little boat and watch all kinds of little annoying puppet kids sing "It's a Small World" over and over and over again. And if that's not bad enough, then they take you into another country and sing the song a million more times in their language. Then another country ... and well, you get the idea. We got stuck in China and I must have heard them sing that song in Chinese a billion freekin' times. It completely stressed me out. I'm freaking out now just thinking about it. The melody has been stuck in my head since I got off the ride.
By: C Matthews,
on 11/29/2010
Hello everybody - C. Matthews here. I would like to personally thank each and every one of you who have been reading and supporting Anton's posts to make his blog a success. He may not say it, but I know he appreciates your enthusiasm!
Anton's been under some considerable stress lately, so I ordered him to take a much needed vacation, and unfortunately that means he will not be blogging this week.
I would like to take this opportunity to collect some feedback from you. What do you like to read Anton making fun of paying homage to? He has an opinion on everything that is pop culture, so please do not be shy. If you've been reading, you probably already know he tends to get a little frustrated excited at times, so please don't be offended if his views sometimes get a little out of hand.
And again, THANKS FOR READING!!
By: C Matthews,
on 11/24/2010
AHA! - I FREEKIN' TOLD YOU DOUBTERS! It's all over the headlines - the new Artist of the Year. *WARNING* - if you're a Vampire, do not look directly at this link.
And you thought I was just being paranoid - making up some ridiculous story about J.B. Now what do yo have to say about it? Do you really think it's just coincidence that he was named Artist of the Year right after I let the Vampire secret out about him? I'm telling you - this is all part of a mass conspiracy to wipe Vampires out!! I'm keeping tabs on you J.B.
But enough of that phony. Like I told you last week, I'm living at Garth's house now and have to share a bedroom with the dweeb. He's a major league slob! The room completely wreaks of bottles that are half filled with old blood. I bet you didn't know mold could grow over blood if it's left out long enough. Plus, that idiot has nightmares every night about the clinical trial he signed up for that turned him into a Vampire. He wakes up screaming and crying, like a little girl. You'd think he'd be traumatized about accidentally turning ME, but that he is just fine with.
By: C Matthews,
on 11/18/2010
I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about Vampires. All these stupid Vampire movies and shows have really given people the wrong idea about us.
Take the Sun - I don't even know how that old rumor got started, but it's a total lie. We can walk around in sunlight just as easily as you, so quite drinking the Kool-Aid already.
And stakes! Listen up Morons - we're dead - you can't kill us any more and we certainly aren't going to evaporate into dust from a little wood - it just doesn't happen. And I'm telling you right now, if any of you phonies do ever try stake me, I'm going to be wicked pissed because not only does it ruin a perfectly good shirt, I'm told that crap hurts really freekin' bad, so chill with that already.
One last thing - enough with the garlic. Of course we don't like it, just like all of you. It might taste good with pasta, but it makes you and me smell ridiculously bad and it doesn't affect Vampires the way you think - other than being completely annoying!
Sorry for that rant - I'm a little on edge right now. Something really bad happened in Science class yesterday. I shouldn't tell you, but you're bound to find out about it anyway, so I might as well get the scoop.
Even though all those things I mentioned above are not true about Vampires, there is one thing that nobody knew. Well, until yesterday. It's something that could wipe all Vampires off the face of the Earth ... for good. And trust me, I'm not just being dramatic.
I was in Science class when the teacher said we were going to watch some science program from a DVD she had. She started fussing with the TV - trying to get the DVD player to work, and that's when it happened. The TV had come on, but the program she was trying to play was still loading. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
The channel was on MTV, and a new video just started. When I looked up at the screen, I was blinded -- like 'I couldn't see' - blinded. It was horrible - 'Destroyer of All the Undead'. I'm talking about Justin Bieber! I'm not sure what it is about that kid, but if Vampires look at him too long, they turn to stone. You know - like that pissed off chick with all the snakes in her hair, from 'Clash of the Titans'.
By: C Matthews,
on 11/11/2010
Talk about a long week!
My chances of being mega-rich are gone - thanks to my wanna-be lawyer, Vinnie Cochran. What a loser! He didn't even last a week on 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. And now that he's back in the spotlight, that phony dumped my class-action suit to team up with his old client to write a How-To book on defense trials. Can you believe the nerve of those guys!!
By: C Matthews,
on 11/5/2010
By: C Matthews,
on 10/28/2010
I really hate when the batteries in my remote die. I was surfing the channels on Saturday when I landed on MTV's Cribs. I know - I know - it's a lame show, but I just can't seem to turn it off. If you haven't seen it, it's all about phony celebrities bragging and showing off their fancy houses and rubbing it in your face. Those looser snobs!!
Dad actually haunted some of their houses, and trust me, they aren't showing you everything! In fact, some of those creepy celebs are into some really weird crap - like a grown men having an entirely secret room dedicated to a miniature Barbi World! I'd love to say who that was, because it's someone all the girls made such a big stupid fuss over. I won't reveal him, but he may have been in a boy band at one time. See that, ladies! It doesn't always pay to choose the good looking guys.
Anyway, that's when the remote died, so I was stuck watching MTV all day until mom could get new batteries. And of course, right after Cribs was an ALL DAY marathon of 'THE JERSEY SHORE!' It was even more torturous than watching those wussy vampires sparkle in Twilight. I know I said Edward was the biggest Tool around, but I may have been wrong about that.
There's actually a guy on that show that calls himself 'The Situation'. I swear I'm not making that up, either! Are you chicks really into guys like that? I don't see what's so special about him. I mean - I have the same body type as him.
But I will admit, just like that stupid Edward, he does manage to get the babes. So I'm thinking of giving myself a nickname. I can't go calling myself 'The Situation' just in case he has it trademarked - you know like how I'm getting 'Life Sucks' trademarked. But I thought of an even better name. -- 'The Stipulation'
I love the analogies! My sister-in-law actually makes soap... and we had a soap making party... no one but the family showed up though. Good luck with the lion's blood.