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The class-action lawsuit is SO back on!! Apparently, the techniques I've been using from that STUPID Twilight movie haven't exactly had the effect that I'd thought. At least that's what the freekin' cops told me after about 10 of them showed up at my house to haul me away. Luckily mom was able to explain how the situation was a big misunderstanding, so they let me stay in school. But now she stares at me with a 'that boy ain't right' kind of look.

All the girls in the ninth grade think I'm some kind of weird psychopath now. I would still try to ask out Veronica, except that she put a restraining order against me which means I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times.

Well, at least now I can add mental pain and suffering to my list of damages. I was actually able to get the famous lawyer, Vinnie Cockran, to represent us vampires in the trial. He's a vampire himself, so he'll know exactly how to play the species card when the time is right.

I'm sure you know him - he's the lawyer that represented a certain Vampire athlete (and also a horrible actor) who bit and and severely beat his girlfriend while she sang the national anthem in front of 20,000 fans during a televised baseball game. You'd think it was an open and shut case with that many witnesses, but Vinnie was able to prove reasonable doubt. During the trial, the defendant was ordered to try and fit his fangs into the holes on the victim's neck and he couldn't. And that's pretty much what won the case.


 I talked to dad this week. Remember how I told you my dad was murdered? Well he actually stops by to talk to me once and a while. (I forgot to mention his ghost sometimes appears.) I think it's great that we can still talk to each other and all, but he has a habit of showing up at the worst times. I'm now completely paranoid wheneven I'm doing anything that calls for a little privacy. Anyway, mom must have told him all about what happened at school, because I had to explain the whole humiliating story to him again.


That wasn't the only reason he stopp

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Maybe this school isn't so bad after all. The girls have really taken notice to me over the past week. Thanks to my new move, my reputation is really starting to build.

I rented Twilight again so I could really get a feel for Edward's speech. I'm still pissed about the movie's slanderous portrayal of Vampires, but I will agree to stop pursuing my class-action lawsuit if I can get a girlfriend from it.

Belle is HOT, but she has the personality of a slug. Watching her for a couple of hours makes me want to kill myself all over again. Sure, she's a total BABE, but what a buzz kill! She's another phony I'd like to put in my shoes for a day.

One thing about Edward is he does have cool hair. I mean - it's alright. I've been experimenting with my hair - trying to change my look up a little. If it resembles Edward's, don't think I'm trying to copy him. That would just be weird!

This past week I've perfected talking like him. It's not very hard, since he hardly ever says anything. I guess it's supposed to add to his mystique. When he does talk, it's all slow and he makes it seem like he's in physical pain. Like the words he is saying are stabbing him or something. What a Tool-Bag!

But I still decided to give it a shot anyway with the stare, the look, and the new hair style. I caught Veronica alone in the hall one day and tested it out on her.



It went wicked awesome! She was speechless! She practically melted with emotion. Who knew acting like a Tool could be so great. Tomorrow I'll go in for the kill (not literally) and ask her out.

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I'm going to be a millionaire!! After watching that freekin' movie Twilight, I'm seeing dollar signs because once I get ahold of a good lawyer, I'm going to start a class action lawsuit for defamation of the Vampire character. If you're a Vampire, get in contact with me.

For the record - I'm gonna set something straight right now. Vampires DO NOT sparkle. Not in the sun, not in the shade, not inside, and not outside. What the *#@!, Stephenie! Why don't you just dress us all up in tu-tus and have us sing the theme song to Strawberry Shortcake (nevermind how I know about that). No wonder I can't get any respect.

Come to think of it, now I understand why the kids in gym class started calling me Sparky.

I plan to get this Vampire image thing back on track this year. Restore vampire respect to its rightful state!

I did manage to take some notes, though. That dude, Edward, is a total wuss-bag and annoying dork, but he does manage to get the chicks. He has that whole tortured, complicated teenage angst thing down pat. The girls pour all over him. So I stayed up all night practicing, and I think I perfected the look pretty good. The next day, I took it for a test spin with two totally hot girls in the hallway.

Edward just might be on to something. Those babes really seemed to be digging it. In fact, it got such good results I'm working on how to talk like him now.

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Being a Vampire sucks! It's nothing like they make it out to be on TV or in the movies. At least not for me. Just think about it - I'm going to be fifteen years old forever. Is there anything cool about that?

I turned into a Vampire only 6 months ago, and believe me, it was not by choice.

It happened at a family kickball game that went horribly wrong. I was playing first base and my phony Vampire cousin, Garth, had just kicked. I was waiting for the catch at first when that moron barrelled into me. (Remind me to tell you the ridiculous story of how he turned in another post).

When he ran into me, his fangs got stuck in my neck so deep, I almost died from the loss of blood. And at that point, I had no choice but to let that dummy fully turn me.



So now I walk around playing this moronic 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' game. It's so stupid - like anyone can't tell I'm a Vampire with these two GINORMOUS teeth sticking out of my head, like I'm a human-walrus or something. And don't bother trying to write in to tell me they can retract like some kind of cool switchblade for the mouth, because that's just another lie those phony TV execs are putting out there.

Mom's been on my case to make news friend's at this new school so I introduced myself to a couple of guys that were playing table coin hockey at the lunch table today. I thought it was going really well until they asked me to put my teeth on the table to make a goal and I swallowed one of their pennies.


What happened to Vampires being scary, anyway? You know - feared. With all these stupid Vampire shows and movies coming out, we have become a big joke. Like everyone's become desensitized.

Well, you know what they say: If you can't 'bite them, join them'.  (A little vampire humour there.)  Seriously though, I'm going to have to do some research on this 21st century vampire thing if I want to fit in.

Tonight, I am going to do what no other heterosexual teenage male would dare be caught doing. I'm going to rent 'Twilight' so I can get some pointers. I would say I'd rather die than suffer that humiliation of being caught with a Twilight DVD, but then I've already done that.

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This is not a journal. It’s a blog and there’s a huge difference! A journal is something a Wimpy Kid would keep. Blogging, on the other hand, is something that everyone is doing these days, so it can't be all that lame.

Trust me, I wouldn’t be writing this stupid blog if it wasn’t required at my stupid new school. I'm sure you've heard of the rule - Don't Ask, Don't Tell. That's right, my last phony school kicked me out because I told someone I was a Vampire. Keep that on the DL though. Mom will freekin' kill me (again) if I'm booted out of another school.

I’ve only been here 6 days and I hate it already. It’s so PHONY! That’s my new word. I got it from the kid who constantly complains in that book they make you read in school, 'Catcher in the Rye'. I wish I could make that idiot live in my shoes for a day. He'd stop whining, for sure.


Since I have to start this lame blogging thing, I might as well tell you about my miserable existence.

My dad was murdered fourteen years ago by some freak who called himself the 'Self Proclaimed Anton Murderer', or 'SPAM', as they call him on the street. That's right - he murdered dad just because his name was Anton. I'm not even kidding! Oh yeah, that's my name also.

Anyway, after that phony killer became famous, he changed his name to some crazy crop circle symbol that nobody could pronounce. I mean, what kind of loser does that, anyway!

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