Recently I decided to write a few letters to some major companies.  Below are the actual letters that I actually did send via their websites. 

Dear Nestle,

I, for one, do enjoy you’re water that comes in a bottled form.  I like to sit on my front porch on a hot summer evening, just drinking Nestle Bottled Water and eating buckets of drumsticks.  However, lately I have noticed that the neck of your bottles have become increasingly smaller.  I now find it difficult to drink the water, and every time i try to my clothes become soaked with h2o.  I know it is due to the water bottle no longer having a neck.  Well, either that or because I don’t have any hands or fingers.  I still like your water Nestle, and will continue to drink your water, but I will hope for a longer neck in the future. 

Thank you for your time.  Please give my regards to your coffee.

P.s. I was kidding about the hands and fingers thing.  I mean, how else am i typing this email?  Come on!  THINK NESTLE!

Dear Hershey,
I really enjoy your products.  Your chocality goodness has really helped me with my soul crushing fights with depression.  I once ate one of your candy bars and for that forty-five minutes it took me to eat it (i eat slowly to avoid injury) I was happy.  Thank you for all that you have done for me in my life.  I wish I could cry tears of chocolate and send that to you, but alas, I can only cry tears of whatever liquid is in my body.  I could still send that to you, but that wouldn’t taste as good as chocolate tears and would also be creepy.  So thank you, Hershey.  Thank you.

Dear Healthy Choice,

I really enjoy your products.  Your sweet and sour chicken is especially delicious.  However, I have a problem with the color of your boxes that contain the food.  When I am walking to my car in the morning heading to work and holding my Healthy Choice meal that I’m going to enjoy that day for lunch, I trip and fall in the grass, dropping my Healthy Choice meal.  Now keep in mind that this does not happen every day, but I then spend hours hunting in the green grass for a green box.  To date, I have currently lost over 145 Healthy Choice meals, as well as had two swollen ankle injuries and now have 75% less pride.  I will continue to enjoy your products, but I hope to one day see a different box so that I may find them when I drop them in the grass. 

I really enjoy your product.  Thank you for making it. 

P.S. none of this has actually every happened to me, but I’m sure it could possibly.  I’m an idea man.

Dear Dole,
I really enjoy your bananas.  I eat them constantly.  I like to spend my mornings eating a bowl of Dole banana cereal.  However, it has become a growing concern with me how your bananas are shaped.  They could cause injuries.  What if a child tied two of your bananas together and used them as a nunchuk?  This is a growing problem in my town.  My town has become over run by gangs of children with Dole banana nunchucks.  I cannot go out at night until after 10, which is their bedtime.  I have been beaten a few times, and in fact have become more bruised than the nunchuk banana that was used to beat me.  I hope that you take this into account when making your bananas.  Perhaps you could make them in a circle shape and Nerf like?

Dear Panda Express,
I find your Panda Express Bear very scary and your food very good, which confuses me greatly.  I have went through months of counseling to help me with my problem, but alas, I am still confused.  I mean, how can i be scared of the Panda Express Bear yet love the food he provides?  I just thought you should know how dedicated I am to your food that I would try to conquer my fear.

Thank you Panda Express for your food, and perhaps you could make your panda bear have a smile?  or wear a funny hat?

Dear Hanes,
Your products have been providing me with comfort for years and I think you for that.  Howev

It was recently announced that all of the Star Wars movies would come out in the near future on Blu-ray. I got the honor of getting a sneak peak at all the extras and add-ons that will be available on the special discs. I know, I know. You’re welcome.

1. There will be approximately 105 plus hours of added scenes. Here is a run down of some of what is added.

-Two scenes of Jabba the Hutt sweating to the oldies.

-45 extra hours of Stormtroopers going home to their wives. Their wives then hag and hag them asking them why they never ask for a promotion.

-6 more hours of Stormtroopers looking around in an desert.

-Han shoots third.

2. George Lucas’s very own intern states that he believes he heard George Lucas apologize for the prequels once, but then again George Lucas could have just eaten some bad Mexican food.

3. The truth behind Yoda’s speech impediment (hint: head injury)

4. Additional outtakes of Hayden Christensen learning how to look out windows.

5. Exclusive interview with R2-D2 about how C-3PO only seemed attracted to other male-like robots.

6. Behind the scenes: watch George Lucas eat twelve turkey and cheese sandwiches.

7. Casting the movie: How it took them four years to find someone tall and hairy enough to play Chewbacca.

8. A feature about interesting and little known facts. Including…

-Luke Skywalker was originally going to be a miniature pig.

-Not only is Lando cool, he’s also wanted in fourteen galaxies for shoplifting.

-When you became a Stormtrooper, you received good pay and insurance, but not dental.

-Stormtrooper training consisted of learning how to stumble, how not to shoot straight, how to miss important main characters when firing a blaster, and how to be incredibly gullible.

-Harrison Ford’s favorite movie is “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days“.

That’s just a handful of the amazing extras that will be included in the set. No official release date has been set yet, so stay tuned!

Today’s Headlines….

In the Lebron James decision, ESPN broadcasted an hour-long special in which Lebron James made the country wait for almost 40 minutes to tell us what team he would play for.  In related news, I will announce what friend I’m going to hang out with this weekend in a special hour-long program to air on ABC. 

Lady Gaga plays John Lennon’s famous white piano, causing many Beatles fans to cry foul.  The more suprising part of this is the fact that Lady Gaga can play piano.

BP has finished placing a brand new seal over the oil leak.  If this doesn’t work, the next step will be throwing pieces of beef jerky down the pipe in hopes that Jennifer Love Hewitt will follow it.

Sarah Palin’s people skills have been growing stronger and stronger.  However, her get in the kitchen and make a sandwich skills have been sadly declining.

Scott Stapp, lead singer from the once popular band Creed, welcomed a new son.  No word on if he welcomed his child “with arms wide open.”

Mel Gibson was caught saying a death threat to his girl friend.  In Gibson’s defense, he thought his girl friend was Jewish.

In this new segment, I review movies without having seen them.  Today’s movie review is The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (I also haven’t seen any of the movies in this series). 

PLOT: A girl (named Bella apparently) is easily attracted to non-human beings.  After her relationship with a goat ends, she turns her attention to an emo vampire.  She desperately wants to become a vampire.  The emo vampire says no, as he prefers to listen to Fall Out Boy while watching episodes of Boy Meets World instead.  Bella is devastated by the news, so she decides to go out with a guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog.  Bella cannot decide which one she likes more.  The emo vampire guy is romantic and the guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog is allergic to wearing shirts.  The vampire and the CG dog get into a heated argument over Bella, thus leading to an epic showdown battle at the end.  Both sides lose however when it is discovered that Bella has already begun a relationship with Frankenstein.

ACTING:  Kristen Stewart does a fine job as Bella, and by fine I mean on the MTV reality television show acting fine.  Robert Pattinson does his best to convince you he’s not into men, and Taylor Lautner has the most difficult acting job of all by constantly walking around without a shirt on.

FINAL THOUGHT:  I would rather watch the newer Star Wars movies than any of the Twilight Series.  Now, I know I am not the target audience for this kind of movie, but I guess I always hope teen girls and women would have better taste in movies.  Watch the show Supernatural instead, it’s much, much better than this (even tho I haven’t seen these movies, I still feel I can make that guarantee). 

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE:  Teen girls who think Ke$ha is talented and older women who are upset that they’re getting older.

RATING:  Fifty “How Do These Movies Make This Much Money’s”

It’s America’s Birthday today.  The day that America was officially founded.  In this episode of my blog, I will celebrate America with some facts about it’s founding.  You’re welcome.

-George Washington’s teeth were false as the legend holds.  But they were actually made out of skulls of small kittens.

-America was discovered in 1974, when Tobey Maguire first landed here accidently when he was on his way to find a new passage to India.

-Benjamin Franklin not only invented many things, he also was an alcoholic.  And he did drugs.  He also was the father of many illegitimate children. 

-Fireworks were named after Lloyd B. Fireworks, who invented the colorful explosive while also blowing off his own left hand.

-George Washington liked to smack the buttocks of his soldiers during battle after they made a “good shot.”

-Benjamin Franklin invented Microsoft.

-John Adams, who would go on to become the second president, was against Thomas Jefferson writing any important document, stating that “John Hancock had much prettier handwriting and was easier to read.”

-The American Flag was actually created and sewn by a badger.

-America gained it’s independence from Brittain, defeating every one of their ninjas.

-George Washington only ever told one lie.  After chopping down a cherry tree, he told his father that he hadn’t done it, and then proceeded to blame it on George W. Bush.

-During many of the meetings of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin was often yelled at for “constant and excessive texting.”

Those are just some of the facts about the founding of America.  See what happens when you pay attention to history class?  Enjoy your holiday and be safe.  Over and out!

It’s summer time and you know what that means. The summer movie blockbusters! Iron Man 2 has already came out with guns blazing. But there are many other big films coming out for the summer. Below are my reviews for them. Now I am aware that I haven’t seen them, and in most of the cases, the films aren’t even out yet. But actually seeing something for myself has never stopped me from forming an opinion on things, and I’ll be darned if it stops me now!

1. SEX AND THE CITY 2

The women are horrified to realize they are getting older. They try to escape death by running through the desert in high heels. Two of the women end up with a sexually transmitted disease and Sarah Jessica Parker discovers that her face is actually an old boot.

2. MARMADUKE

Movies based on popular comic strips are always a good idea. Isn’t that right Garfield? A family is dysfunctional and needs something to fill in that void in their lives. That’s where Marmaduke comes in. The wacky dog comes in and turns their lives upside down! And by turns their lives upside down, I mean Marmaduke murders the parents and makes the children go outside to use the bathroom.

3. Killers

Ashton Kutcher discovers that Britney Spears has surpassed him in followers on Twitter. He tries to kill her but Britney Spears defeats him by throwing a baby at him. P.S. follow me on Twitter. Follow Johnnyism. I am aware this is a shameless plug, and I’m ok with that.

4. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The epic battle between the vampires and the badly CG’d dogs takes place! The vampires will try their darndest to attack the badly CG’d dogs with their mesmerizing good looks and the badly CG’d dogs will rip their throats out, thus bringing these series of movies to an end, thus saving all mankind from a fourth movie.

5. Step Up 3D

This will be the hit of the summer. There is no way that this movie fails. It takes one of those Step Up dance movies and puts it in three dimensions! Incredible! If this movie does not end up being better than the Dark Knight, then I will beat a German squirrel with my bare hands.

Oregon has been inhabited for well over ten years.  Not only does it have beautiful forests, but it also has beautiful forest fires.  Also, Noah’s Arc might be there.  I’m lying of course to try to make Oregon sound less boring.

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

Oregon got it’s name from the popular computer game “Oregon Trail.”  The game became so popular that it was voted as the name of the newly founded state.  This is true.  Please don’t fact check.  Fact checking will do nothing but derail my hopes and dreams.

CLIMATE

It’s constantly raining in Oregon.  Actually I’m assuming this.  And assuming has never gotten anyone in trouble.

CLIMATE EVENTS

Oregon is hit with severe storms, floods, earthquakes, and extreme amounts of boredom.

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

1.  Oregon Vortex — It’s considered America’s premier “mystery spot.”  This means that since 1930, the Oregon Vortex has been tricking people out of their money for years.  The optical illusions weren’t originally done on purpose however.  It was just built by really terrible carpenters.

2. Henry the Bear — You can visit Henry, a real live bear.  You can also feed it cookies, hamburger meat, your left hand or a small child.

HISTORY

–Some say that humans have lived in Oregon as far back as 15,000 years ago.  They didn’t stay long once they realized they were in Oregon and there was nothing to do there.

–After Oregon was admitted as a state in 1859, many people decided to adventure out to the new frontier for a fresh start.  Many didn’t make it.  Most drowned while trying to fjord rivers.  Even more died from dysentery.  These are jokes about the video game that I played as a child in first grade.  It was there that I learned disappointment, failure, and what you can’t do with floppy discs.

DEMOGRAPHICS

Oregon’s population has topped out at 101 people and 300 billion trees.  90 percent live in Portland, while the other 10 percent wonder how they ended up there.

RACES

Caucasians – 88%

African Americans – 5%

Hippies – 45%

African American Hippies – Dwayne.  Although most suspect he’s just pretending to be a hippie for the pot.

MAJOR CITIES

Portland.  In this amazing city, you will find a lot to enjoy if you like to do things.  (Editor Note:  the author fell asleep while trying to come up with why Portland was exciting)

EDUCATION

99% can read.
1% is an infant.

RECREATION

Most Oregon residents spend their time climbing trees and trying to convince other people that Oregon isn’t a part of Canada.

FUN FACTS

*Bill Gates, Microsoft, and Starbucks are in Washington.  And that’s near Oregon.

*You can break all the mirrors you want to in Oregon since it’s already considered to be bad luck to be living there in the first place.

*Oregon had to ban the act of whistling while being under water when it was discovered that people were drowning while trying to do so.

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM OREGON

Matt Groening, the creator of the Simpson.  He is known for not only creating the longest running prime time tv series in history, but also for not knowing when to quit something when it stopped being good.

Dallas McKennon.  Not only was he the voice of Tony the Tiger, but also, Heeeeeeeee’s dead.

This marks the third or fourth time I referenced The Oregon Trail.  I am planning on writing a movie based

Donatello stared at Johnny. “Who do you think you are? That’s my piece of chicken pot pie!” Johnny’s eyes turned angry. “You stupid green turtle, it’s mine!” The two stared down each other, and as they did, the whole world stopped

Donatello leaps first, grabbing Johnny by his neck, choking him with all his might. “I will end you!” Donatello screamed.

What Donatello failed to realize, however, was that Johnny had been taught kung fu from a weasel in New Mexico. Johnny’s lightning quick hand catches Donatello. Donatello gasps for air. “You are even better than Steven Segal!” Donatello says as a bit of fear creeps into his turtle mind.

Thinking quickly, Donatello slugs Johnny with all his might, sending the nerd toppling over. Donatello, thinking it was finally over, turns his head to begin his walk into the sunset.

Johnny comes too and yells “Not so fast!” Johnny catches Donatello in the face with a punch that could be felt as far away as (insert name of far away place here)

Johnny grabs the phone and uses the cord to his advantage, wrapping it around Donatello’s neck. “This collect call is free!” Johnny says, allowing the long line of terrible one liners in action movies to continue.

<

1 Comments on , last added: 5/22/2010

Display Comments

Trevor said, on 5/22/2010 8:52:00 AM

You have murdered one of my disciples, and for that, you will pay. That will be $3.50 please.

~Splinter

Add a Comment

More from this Blog | Email This | Add a Tag

18. I Wish I Had Made This Up Myself

2 Comments | Previous | Top | Next

By: johnnyism, on 4/7/2010
Blog: Johnnyism's Weblog (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:  Youtube, island, government, johnson, hank, Johnnyism, guam, representative, Representative hank johnson, Georgia, Uncategorized, Add a tag

What I am about to tell you I could not believe was real.  “This has to be a joke.”  I told myself.  On the satellite radio i was listening to today I heard something that had to be fake.  But alas, there is video and an article on the whole thing.  It seems Representative Hank Johnson (Representative of the 4th District in Georgia)is quite concerned about the island of Guam. 

Guam is apparently suffering from an overpopulation problem and according to Rep. Hank Johnson there is concerned that if Guam’s trend of overpopulation continues, then there is a chance that the island will tip over and capsize.  I’ll let you re-read that last sentence….

Done?  Ok good.  Now I’m aware that this sounds like something I’d make up to make myself laugh.  But sadly this is completely true.  This guy was VOTED IN!!  The guy who thinks islands can tip over was VOTED IN!!!!!  Numerous questions arise from this.  One, who lost to this guy in the election?  And two, Why, Georgia, why? 

Here is a list of things I compiled for Rep. Hank Johnson so that he will know some basic facts and can hopefully not appear as stupid. 

1.  The island cannot tip over or capsize.  It can, however, disappear and go back in time.  Also, Locke is dead and there is a smoke monster running around. 

2.  In order to counter the over population problem, it is now legal in Guam to have abortions by the dozen.

3.  An island is surrounded on three sides by water, and on the fourth side by Rosie O’Donnell.

4.  Rep. Hank Johnson gets all his geographic information from his pet ninja hamster named Steve.  Steve also predicts the weather and gives Rep. Hank Johnson his daily horoscope.

 
Just so you all know I’m not making this up, below is the video from YouTube.   The actual comment comes in at about the 1:19 mark.

P.S. Islands don’t float.

my sources were The Opie and Anthony Show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio (Rated R radio show so don’t look it up if you don’t like cursing) and this article http://washingtonscene.thehill.com/in-the-know/36-news/3169-rep-hank-johnson-guam-could-tip-over-and-capsize

2 Comments on I Wish I Had Made This Up Myself, last added: 4/7/2010

Display Comments

Amy said, on 4/7/2010 6:45:00 PM

Wow, he really struggled to articulate his “intelligent” thoughts. Great post Johnny’O!!!!!

Trevor said, on 4/7/2010 6:55:00 PM

I don’t even know what to say….This guy…is dead serious. He thinks that the island will tip over, just like when too many people stand on one side of a boat. He just disgraced every poor soul who elected him into office.

My favorite part is, after explaining his fear of the island tipping over, he proves his lack of capacity for human-like levels of intelligence by saying: “We didn’t think about global warming either, and now we do have to think about it”. He believes by throwing in a hot topic he will get some credibility points. You sir, are FAIL.

If the poor guy was a mumbling man on the street corner I would have sympathy. But as a politician, he gets nothing but a full blown belly laugh.

In other news: Sometimes, dogs are brown. And bananas are a type of food.

Add a Comment

More from this Blog | Email This | Add a Tag

19. Whatever Happened To….

1 Comments | Previous | Top | Next

By: johnnyism, on 3/29/2010
Blog: Johnnyism's Weblog (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:  humor, comedy, funny, fred, donald duck, x-men, donald, logan, Johnnyism, skeletor, teenage mutant ninja turtles, popeye, Jubilee, ninja turtles, ducktales, fred flintstone, Leonardo, scott summers, shredder, the flintstones, wilma, wimpy, Iowa, Uncategorized, Add a tag

Hello my loyal fan base.  Ever wonder what really happened to some of your favorite child hood heroes?  Wonder no more!  I have done extensive research into this very question.  I even scored an exclusive interview with someone who used to be a major villain back in the day.

1. Wimpy

Most of you will remember Wimpy for his appearances on Popeye.  Wimpy was a beloved character who’s catchphrase about paying back people for a cheeseburger won him a place in the heart of millions.  Unfortunately for him, Popeye himself suffered from malnutrition (all he ever ate was spinach) and was unable to keep the show going.  Wimpy would fade from the lime light.

After Popeye, Wimpy made a decent living from being a spokesman for cheeseburgers.  He had to quit the job after his knees were broken for not paying back his debts.  “He just kept saying he’d pay them Tuesday.  I told him he should pay for those cheeseburgers, but Wimpy just ignored me and finished his Big Mac I bought him.” said a family friend I interviewed over the phone.  “After his knees were broken he became a sad man and his weight ballooned up to 545 pounds.”

Today Wimpy can be found in the Nature’s Peaceful Valley Nursing Home.  Wimpy lost his toes to diabetes seven years ago.  I wasn’t able to interview Wimpy himself because when I got there he was asleep with cheeseburger crumbs all over his shirt and slobber down his face.

2. Skeletor

Skeletor rose to fame by being a ruthless villain who was known for his madness and brutality.  The skeletor now is a different man.  “After the show I fell on hard times.” Skeletor told me in an exclusive interview.  “I finally went to the doctor and found out I have this rare skin condition in which I don’t have any skin on my face.”  Skeletor tried to find another acting job and soon found out he was typecast.  He tried for many parts in movies but lost them to what he calls “people with skin on their skulls.”  The last straw was when he lost the part of the main role in Braveheart.  “They told me they liked my audition but they decided to go in another direction.  When I asked them why they gave the part to Mel Gibson, they told me because they couldn’t see his skull.”

Skeletor soon found out he would have to find work in another field or he’d be homeless.  After taking classes for anger management, he got a government job as a driving instructor for the state of Nevada.  While he wouldn’t tell us where or how he lived, he did leave me with this quote.  “I’m alone.  Can you believe that?  I’m famous!  I’m Skeletor!  I thought that would be enough to find me a girl to settle down with, but I was wrong.  What girl wants to be with a guy who has no skin on his face?”

3.  Shredder

Shredder was insanely famous in the early 90’s.  Known as the guy with the metal stuff and claws who hated turtles, he became an icon for future villains to follow.  I had heard rumors that after he fell from fame he moved to the west coast and joined a nudist colony.  I got lucky when a source of mine told me he was actuall

1 Comments on Whatever Happened To…., last added: 3/29/2010

Display Comments

Trevor said, on 3/29/2010 8:07:00 PM

The real tragedy is knowing that we are partially responsible for this. We build up these young stars then move on to the next big thing so quickly. One more tragic story to add to your list: I hear that Mickey’s beloved dog Pluto was just turned down for an Alpo commercial, and has really been hitting the prescription drugs pretty hardcore.

Add a Comment

More from this Blog | Email This | Add a Tag

20. The New Threat!

1 Comments | Previous | Top | Next

By: johnnyism, on 3/20/2010
Blog: Johnnyism's Weblog (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags:  Add a tag

Recently it has become apparent to me that I must help save the human race.  There is a threat out there that will destroy us all.  I propose that we get to them before they get to us.  And they will get to us.  “What’s the threat?” you ask?  Kittens.  You heard me right.  Kittens.  And if we don’t brutally murder each and every last one of them then the human race will cease to exist and all hope will be lost. 

Now I’m aware that murdering kittens may not come across as “right” or “what humans do.”  But you see if we do not take out this menace then we will suffer the consequences.  I know you are asking yourself right now just what proof I have.  Fear not, dear reader, for I will expose myself for this cause and save the world under the threat of ridicule (EDITORS NOTE: Exposing himself is what also got the author banned from the states of Mississippi, Iowa, Oregon, and certain parts of Canada).  What I am about to say will shock you.  Kittens have been behind every major disaster in the history of mankind.  And I have proof. 

1. Hurricane Katrina

New Orleans is flooded when Hurricane Katrina struck.  New Orleans is built under sea level.  Who told people to build a city below sea level?  Kittens did.  And what are the first three letters of Katrina?  Kat.  Kat is how an infant spells cat when they are sounding it out.  A cat is an adult kitten.  Can this just be a coincidence?  I think not.

2. The Hindenburg Disaster

On May 6, 1937 The Hindenburg caught fire.  What did the Hindenburg do?  It flew.  What also flies?  Birds do.  Who hates birds?  Kittens.  Kittens became outraged when man decided it was going to fly like a bird instead of lick themselves like a kitten and set out to get revenge.  Kittens knew where to light a match on the Hindenburg and did so.  Still think kittens aren’t behind it all?

3.  JFK Assassination

When JFK was assassinated it was a major blow to America.  Many believe that Lee Harvey Oswald alone was responsible for the act.  This simply is not true.  Kittens are responsible.  How do I know?  President John F. Kennedy went by JFK.  JFK is three letters long.  Now take those three letters and multiply it by two.  You now have six letters.  What else has six letters?  Kitten!  It was right in front of our faces the whole time!

4.  John Lennon Killed

John Lennon was murdered by Mark David Chapman.  Or so it would seem.  The word “mark” is like “marking” a spot.  Kittens mark where they go pee.  Mark David Chapman is made up of 16 letters.  This obviously means that John Lennon was murdered by 16 kittens in a trench coat who pretended to want an autograph.  You can’t make this stuff up!  Don’t let the kittens get away with this!

5.  Nazi’s rise to power in Germany

Nazi has the letter “z” in it.  “Z” is only 15 letters away from the letter “k.”  “Kitten” starts with “k”.  It gets more odd from here folks.  The swastika, the symbol for the Nazi’s, has four “legs”  What else has four legs?  KITTENS!  Also, if you look closely at ANY photo of Adolf Hitler, you can clearly see that his mustache is actually just a kitten hanging from his nose and held on by duct tape.

You see folks?  It is the time for action.  I have reason to believe that not only will kittens rise up and surprise attack us, but that they are in cahoots with killer whales as well.  Let’s obliterate every kitten we see and make killer whales into “killed” whales.

1 Comments on The New Threat!, last added: 3/21/2010

Display Comments

trevor said, on 3/20/2010 1:27:00 PM

Woah woah woah. So if kittens are responsible for every major human disaster, are you implying that kittens are responsible for this years’s North Carolina Tarheels? Then indeed, they must be stopped. If kittens are responsible for some of the most unintentionally hilarious basketball our state has seen, who knows what else they are capable of. Nuclear war? Bioterroism? Another season of reality tv?

(yes, I am aware that I went for all easy cheap jokes here. I show no great pride in this.)

Add a Comment

Some Truths I Can’t Possibly Back Up With Facts or Actual Evidence
1.  Nicholas Cage is made up of fourteen failed former child actors who get revenge on the world by putting out bad movie after bad movie.

2.  Abraham Lincoln was shot, but he actually survived the attack.  What killed him was his wife constantly nagging him.  Am I right fellas?  Fellas??

3.  Everytime you touch yourself a homeless person gets food and water.

4.  In Antarctica it is illegal for penguins to cheat on their SAT’s.

5.  Sometimes I say intelligent things.

6.  Napoleon wasn’t that short.  He was alive during the “Big World Period” in which most humans grew to abnormally tall sizes. 

7.  If you cut off someone’s hands then they can’t play piano.

8.  Unlike the famous classic commercial, Native Americans are unable to cry.  The commercial was done with strings and special effects.

9.  Not only are aliens from another planet here among us, but they’re also Jewish.

10. Johnny Townsend was the first man to set foot on the soundstage where they faked the moon landing.

11.  Jessica Simpson averages approx. 4.3 boyfriends a week.

12.  Chicken tastes like polar bear.

13.  Johnny has made up 1.5 bajillion facts.

14.  A monkey is able to fling its own poo for 170 yards.  It can also give you AIDS. 

15.  If you ever see a bull in a china shop, then that bull probably has a good job and makes decent money.

1 Comments on Some Made Up Facts, last added: 3/12/2010

Display Comments

Trevor said, on 3/12/2010 9:00:00 AM

I believe these are all true, except #5. That just seems a little too far fetched.

I will now make ammendments to this list:

16. Falling in love always works out, because the universe rewards true love.

17. There is no way to tell how old a tree is unless you ask it. But then you’d be talking to a tree, moron.

18. Avatar has made so much money that the counter reset to 0. It has now only grossed 12 dollars.

19. Trevor will pretend to be offended by Johnny’s blog sometimes, but he secretly laughs at people who take it too seriously. Does this make him a bad person? Yes, but only half as bad as Johnny.

Add a Comment

Years ago Michael Jackson brought together different artists and made “We Are The World.”  And like everything else America does, they decided to remake “We Are The World” and do nothing original with it.  They played this during the Olympics.  I am about to provide you a service and comment what I’m thinking as I watch and listen to the video.

Please note that I am not against helping those in need. I’m against this particular “We Are The World” video purely because if it shows the state of music at the moment, then I know the reason why album sales are non existent.

These are the thoughts and observations I had as I watched this.

1)Haven’t I heard this song before?

2)Why is there a child singing at the beginning?

3)Michael Jackson singing about children with his sister?

4)Barbara Streisand?  Really?

5)Dear Celine Dion, please stop.

6)I honestly don’t know who most of those people are….

7)Apparently the best way to show Haiti love is to use Autotune?

8)Group rap session?  Even rappers have hearts people.

9)Was there a black guy trying to yodel?

10)I feel ya Kanye, I feel ya.

11)If I was Haiti, I’d tell them to try this again and make it better.

12)I don’t get how that just ended.  What was that guy doing?  Was he choking on a potato chip?

13)Maybe they couldn’t get real artists to sing for this.

14)Watching this should have inspired me.

15)Watching this made me tired.

Perhaps you liked this video.  That’s fine.  You’re allowed to like crappy things.

1 Comments on We Are The World 2010, last added: 2/16/2010

Display Comments

Sleepy said, on 2/16/2010 9:58:00 AM

Johnny,

Did you notice how much crisper Janet Jackson’s image was compared to Michael’s in that video? Do you think this is evidence of the existence of ghosts?

Add a Comment

What’s up blog peeps?  I know what you all have been begging for.  Another mess of dating advice from me, Johnny Townsend.  A guru on what ladies love.  In this post, I will tell you exactly what to ask for and what each of her answers to your questions mean on the first date. 

So you finally work up the courage to talk to that fly honey you’ve had your eye on.  But what exactly do you say once you’ve conquered your fear and walked up to her and she’s staring at you with her beautiful eyes?  Have no fear, that’s what I’m here for. 

Here is what you should say on first approach.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to buy you a drink?”

Here’s an example of what you probably shouldn’t say.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to stalk you?”

So you just asked her if you can buy her a drink, now you await her answer.  But what exactly does each answer mean?  FEAR NOT FOR I AM HERE!!!

If she says…

“Sure.”    (this means you’re in, but she’s not completely sure about you.  Probably because of how your face looks)

“No thanks.”  (this means she’s not thirsty or she doesn’t find your X-Men tee shirt that appealing)

“Yes.”  (you will never hear this answer.  Disregard it.  If you do hear it, it’s more than likely some sick game she is playing)

So you’ve just bought her a drink.  But your job is not over my friends.  You must ask her yet another question….

“Would you do me the honor of letting me buy you dinner?”

Of course, as like before, she could answer in different ways…

“Nah I already ate.”  (she only used you to buy her that drink)

“You look like you’ve already ate enough.”  (she is a mean person and has just hurt my…err I mean your feelings)

“You smell.”  (you probably should have showered)

“You know what?  Sure.” (she’s depressed and is just glad to have attention from someone, also, could have daddy issues)

Then dinner arrives.  And it all goes extremely well.  You make her laugh.  You listen to everything she tells you.  It’s turning out to be a beautiful evening.  But everyone knows what that means.  It’s time to see if this is going to lead to anything else.  But what exactly do you ask for at her door?  Read on!!

“May I have a kiss?”

“May I come in?”

“I think American Idol is on.  May I watch it with you inside?”

All those questions rarely work.  So what do you say?  How do you get the girl of your dreams to realize you’re the prince charming she’s been waiting for?  Below is the line you MUST memorize.  It is a never fail line and soon you will be hand in hand with your dream girl. 

“I’m a bad boy with issues who you will want to change but won’t be able too.  Also I’m in a band.  And I need to borrow money.”

This never fails.  You follow my guide here, and you are guarenteed not to be alone on Valentine’s Day playing Call of Duty 5.  Or the new Wii Mario Brothers game.  Dang I love that game….

5 Comments on Some Valentine’s Dating Tips To Get The Woman of Your Dreams, last added: 2/9/2010