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I love the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest, named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton who wrote this opening line: “It was a dark and stormy night.” In his honor, in 1982 they started holding an annual bad writing competitionat San Jose State University.

There are a number of different categories. Here are the winners for crime:

Winner: Crime
She slinked through my door wearing a dress that looked like it had been painted on … not with good paint, like Behr or Sherwin-Williams, but with that watered-down stuff that bubbles up right away if you don’t prime the surface before you slap it on, and – just like that cheap paint – the dress needed two more coats to cover her.
— Sue Fondrie, Appleton, WI

Runner-Up
“Chester and Harry, you don't have the stomach for this, but Dick and I do,” the leggy blonde said in a throaty voice as she headed back in to finger – and hopefully nail – the brains and muscle of the strong-arm syndicate, the heel that gutted her niece.
— Bill Hartmann, Dallas, TX

Dishonorable Mentions:
Inspector Murphy stood up when he saw me, then looked down at the lifeless body, crumpled like a forlorn Snicker’s candy wrapper, and after a knowing glance at Detective Wilson pointed to the darkening crimson pool spreading from the stiff’s shattered noggin, and said, “You settle it, Gibson; does that puddle look more like a duck or a cow?” — Carl Stich, Mariemont, Ohio
The blood seeped out of the body like bad peach juice from a peach that had been left on one side so long the bottom became rotten while it still looked fine on the top but had started to attract fruit flies, and this had the same effect, but with regular flies, that is not say there weren’t some fruit flies around because, after all, this was Miami.
— Howard Eugene Whitright, Seal Beach, CA

The smooth hand I was caressing felt as if it belonged to a Persian monk that had been rubbing moisturizing body oils on his fellow monks all day (but not in a gay way, come on, he’s a monk for God’s sake), when in all actuality the hand belonged to a body that I had just pulled out of the Potomac for forensic investigation.
— Kevin Bruemmer, San Antonio, TX

Bishop threw back the shot of bourbon and reflected on his career as a private dick, a profession he always thought of as perfect for a man named Richard who kept to himself and was often unkind to others.
— Jon Maddalena, Mesick, Michigan

Read all the winners here.

Oh, how I love the Bulwer-Lytton awards, named after the guy who wrote, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Here are some of my favorites from this year's winners:

Grand prize winner: Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.
-Sue Fondrie, Oshkosh, WI

Purple prose dishonorable mention: Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks.
- Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI

Romance winner: As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.
- Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC


Read them all here.

I was reminded that the 2009 Bulwer-Lytton winners had recently been announced. I always enjoy these each year. This is the annual contest for the worst opening line (Since 1983). It is named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton who wrote the famous opening phrase that Snoopy used so often: “It was a dark and stormy night . . .”  [Paul Clifford, 1830].

If you get a chance check out the winners for this year at http://bulwer-Lytton.com .

One of my favs was the romance winner:

Melinda woke up suddenly to the sound of her trailer being pounded with wind and hail, and she couldn’t help thinking that if she had only put her prized hog up for adoption last May, none of this would be happening, no one would have gotten hurt, and she wouldn’t be left with only nine toes, or be living in a mobile home park in Nebraska with a second-rate trapeze artist named Fred.  (by Ada Marie Finkel. Boston, MA)

HAH! (But it does make you want to keep reading, doesn’t it?)

Entries are taken all year long for the next batch of winners, so why not contribute if you’ve got a sentence that just isn’t working? Make it as awful as you can . . . who knows, you might be one of next year’s winners. And teachers, have your students–just for a fun respite from studying good writing—try writing the worst sentence they can. Have some samples of purple prose around, or first lines from genre fiction for them to imitate.

Have fun!

                                 Ciao,

Shutta

Oh joy joy joy!

I love the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which has been sponsored since 1982 by the English Department at San Jose State University. They were inspired by the man who wrote the infamous line "It was a dark and story night." [He also coined "the pen is mightier than the sword," "the great unwashed," and "the almighty dollar."]

Winner
Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."
Garrison Spik
Washington, D.C.

Runner-Up
"Hmm . . ." thought Abigail as she gazed languidly from the veranda past the bright white patio to the cerulean sea beyond, where dolphins played and seagulls sang, where splashing surf sounded like the tintinnabulation of a thousand tiny bells, where great gray whales bellowed and the sunlight sparkled off the myriad of sequins on the flyfish's bow ties, "time to get my meds checked."
Andrew Bowers

Winner: Children's Literature
Joanne watched her fellow passengers - a wizened man reading about alchemy; an oversized bearded man-child; a haunted, bespectacled young man with a scar; and a gaggle of private school children who chatted ceaselessly about Latin and flying around the hockey pitch and the two-faced teacher who they thought was a witch - there was a story here, she decided.
Tim Ellis
Haslemere, U.K.

Winner: Fantasy Fiction
"Toads of glory, slugs of joy," sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words.
Alex Hall
Greeley, CO

Winner: Romance
Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.
Jeanne Villa
Novato, CA

You can read all the 2008 winners, runners-up, and "dishonorable mentions" here.