SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE GARDEN CENTRE
SCENE: CUSTOMER STANDS AT THE RETURN COUNTER IN GARDEN CENTRE, HOLDING A PLASTIC BAG OPEN AT THE TOP
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
"Number 14...who's number 14?"
CUSTOMER
Here! That would be me! See? Here's my ticket. Number 14
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Now that we've agreed on that, what can I do for you?
CUSTOMER
I'd like to return these plants, please
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Flowering or green?
(customer opens bag, removes contents and places them on counter earth spilling everywhere)
CUSTOMER
These plants. They're annuals as you can tell...then again, maybe you don't garden...not everyone likes to play in dirt. That's a little garden humor, there!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Come again? You want to return...dead garden plants. Now I've heard it all
CUSTOMER
You have a money-back-no-questions-asked policy?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Yes but...
CUSTOMER
...well - these former, vibrant living things are no longer in this world. Gone to see their maker. Never to feel the heat of the sun, again. I have the bill here...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - those plants are dead!
CUSTOMER
Right - and that's why I'm returning them! Oh the angst and guilt of garden passings!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
That doesn't include plants!
CUSTOMER
Show me where it says that. Money back is money back.
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
When did you plant these? They're a collection of black mush. Can't even tell what they were
CUSTOMER
Dahlias. Planted them the week that you started selling them. March...I think... Yup - March
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
March? The ground was still frozen! How did you even get a spade in the ground
CUSTOMER
I managed. We garden lovers can make the impossible happen. So are you going to give me back my money?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Damn - there's ants crawling all over the counter...
(garden center employee smashes ants with her hand and fingers)
CUSTOMER
Even more reason to return me my money as soon as possible. Oh look - there goes a earwig. Boy those bugs sure can move fast...right accross the counter...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
How about I replace those...whatever with live plants? Would that be okay?
CUSTOMER
That would be perfectly okay with me. By the way, what should I do with these dearly departed?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
'I will not open my mouth to a customer...I will not open my mouth to a customer...' Um - just leave them here
CUSTOMER
Is it okay if I say good-bye to them?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Whatever...
CUSTOMER
(touching plants)
'Plants - I'm very sorry that my TLC didn't save you from extinction. I tried - I really tried! Go now - go meet your friends in the garden in the sky!'
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Good. Said your goodbyes?
CUSTOMER
Yes. It's always so hard to deal with plant deaths
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
(grabbing dead plants and tossing them in trash can)
Not really. "Number 20 - who's got number 20?"
