All my life, I've struggled with perfectionism. I'm a capable person; I can do many things well, and that's the way I like things--done well, done accurately, done ideally. My adult life has been something of an un-learning process. Circumstances--especially six children--have forced me to accept the less-than-ideal. Oddly enough, no other member of my family seems to really care if our house is messy or clean, whether piano lessons are practiced or not, whether we eat healthily and frugally at home or spend a fortune taking our family out to dinner. A great title for a country song about my life would be: "The Good Lord Knows I'm a Control Freak, and That's Why He Gave Me Six Children."
So these days, I muddle through, not caring as much as I used to (though I cling to the idea that, as a mom, it's part of my job description to care). For a number of years now, instead of trying so hard to "do" for my family and for God, I've been concentrating on "being" a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter of God. I pray for the fruits of the Spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. I pray for wisdom to "be angry, but in your anger, do not sin." I tell myself, "Who I am matters more than what I do."
Every year when Lent rolls around, I look forward to it with a mixture of anticipation--that maybe this year, it will be a life-changing period of time, tranforming me into the woman I want to be--and humility--knowing that it probably won't. My life still lacks those fruits of the Spirit. In my anger, I sin--frequently. "Who I am" is not a pretty sight.
And I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago. I've tried to earn God's approval (and self-approval) by "doing," and realizing the folly in that, I've switched my energies to "being." But I'm still striving just as much, trying to make it happen, trying to whip myself into shape, and Lent has too often been an excuse to strive even more. I've failed at doing, and I've failed at being...and it hit me that what I really need is grace.
But my first reaction is to wonder: What do I do...who do I be...to know God's grace?
I know the answer. I don't have to do anything, be anything; I just have to receive it like a gift, unearned and free, given out of love.
So I am confronted with my pride. I have placed conditions on the gift. I think I should only be allowed to have the gift if I've earned it, if I'm good enough, if I deserve it. I have set the bar higher than even God would set it, if He were into that.
But He's not. He knows we all have sinned, all have fallen short, and He's done something about it, because we can't. He's covered all our failures with grace, through the sacrifice of his Son. I know this, and yet I don't feel like I'm living it.
I asked a wise friend to pray with me about this, and later, he wrote me these words:
In the end we must learn to just tell ourselves, ‘It is okay, right now. Not tomorrow when and if I get this figured out, but right now. Because right now I am forgiven and accepted.’
So that's where I'm at, right now. Telling myself I don't have to do anything or be anything, and honestly, it's an alien thought to my mind. I'm an overachiever. I push myself. That's what I do. This is not me.
Or is THAT not me?
God knows the real me, and He's speaking to me this Lent, about letting go of my pride and my expectations for myself and replacing them with Himself, His grace, His love, His affirmation. I don't think this conversion is coming easily or quickly, but I sense that the soil of m
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 3/21/2011
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By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 6/28/2010
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Well, we had a birthday back in May... But we didn't have a good picture of him, since he got his braces off in February...and Mama Hen was barely keeping her head above water to finish out the school year afloat...Bantam19 was accepted at college and we had a graduation.... ...and today, he left. For two weeks at camp. Back to Honey Rock, where he went last year--quite against his will--but
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 5/8/2010
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Yesterday, Bantam19, Blondechick17 and I all traveled the relatively short distance to Trinity College in Deerfield, also home of the better-known Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. With 750 students in the undergrad program, it's half the size of Wheaton or Taylor, and with a founding date of 1961 (give or take--it's a convoluted history), it's a hundred years or so behind them in established
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 9/28/2009
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Family and friends, virtual and real-life, I would so appreciate your prayers right now.I am in the middle of a situation that has been gradually unfolding, and it has progressively confused and disoriented me. I should find out more, sometime this week, about what is really going on, but until then, I am experiencing anxiety like I have rarely ever had, especially over such a prolonged period.
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 8/16/2009
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Those two days of waiting-- for the rest of the story--were unintentional on my part, but they are a perfect representation of the two weeks we spent waiting and praying while the kids were away at camp! No cell phones were allowed, just good old-fashioned pencil and paper, and we only received one brief letter from each while they were gone.Blondechick16 and Bantam14 returned from Honey Rock
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 8/13/2009
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I've been hinting at some educational rearrangements that might be in store...and now it's time to share a story of how God has worked in some amazing ways!At the beginning of this summer, I met a couple, friends of mutual friends, who told me about their four kids' high school experiences, after being homeschooled through middle school. Their first two went to the public high school that
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 3/17/2009
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Happy St. Patrick's Day! Have you sung St. Patrick's Breastplate yet?***Today's Scripture thought:But this is what I commanded them, saying, 'Obey My voice, and I will be your God, and you will be My people; and you will walk in all the way which I command you, that it may be well with you.'Yet they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked in their own counsels and in the stubbornness of
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 3/11/2009
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Well, it turns out the reason he was cut had nothing to do with his performance, and everything to do with...ME!Yup, I screwed up big-time in not communicating clearly enough about a conflict we had listed on the audition form. I thought I understood one thing, and really, something else was meant. A tough lesson to learn!I was so consumed with guilt and "if onlys" playing through my head that
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 2/9/2009
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I only have a few minutes, since today is filled with appointments.... But what a wonderful day we had yesterday at Church of the Resurrection! It was a delight for Father Rooster to lead the liturgy at both services, and by all reports, many were glad to hear his familiar priestly voice. We were able to greet so many old friends, adults and children alike, at both services. Then several of
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 1/16/2009
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Do you ever find yourself caught up in an inexorable current that you KNOW is the Lord moving and acting? We feel that way about Light of Christ. And it's happening again...as I am helping to start up a new chapter of our Christian youth theater group. (I have been calling it a children's theater group, but I just learned that in the theater world, children's theater is usually put on by
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 9/14/2008
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Our bishop is amazing. Here he is, praying for Bantam17... ...and for Bantam13. For each one of our 23 confirmands, he prayed an individual, Spirit-led prayer that made you wonder how he could possibly know them so well, never having met them. Only by the power of the Spirit, of course! We meet in this beautiful old chapel only for feast days or special occasions like today. Even though
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 8/21/2008
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We had filled out the forms, paid the fees, walked through her schedule...yet Papa Rooster and I were daily feeling more uneasy about sending our formerly homeschooled, beautiful-but-headstrong daughter off to one of the largest high schools in the state of Wisconsin. Then in prayer last week, the Lord called to my mind an option that we really had not fully checked out. Before we moved to
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 7/1/2008
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Remember I mentioned the Global Anglicans Future Conference (GAFCON) taking place in Jerusalem last week? Well, there has been great rejoicing since the conference's culminating statement has been released! Here (from Australian participant Tony Payne) is the best description I've read of what the statement means for the various groups represented: (HT to Barbara G.'s list-serve) Four
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 5/29/2008
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Ironically, just when I was saying that I didn't know the next time I'd cross the IL-WI border again, I now know the next three times, and they're all this weekend. Friday afternoon is the wake, Saturday is the funeral, and Sunday afternoon is a time of sharing and reflection on John's life. (An obituary and service times and locations are here; so is information on a memorial fund.) I asked
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 2/2/2008
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I am SO grateful for all the comments and emails with words of comfort, ((((hugs))))), and especially for your prayers. Ever since I decided to share the news, first with family and then here, I have felt an increasing sense of peace. Maybe blogging is just cheap therapy :), but I am convinced it is prayer that has enveloped me with a nearly physical sensation of a warm, comforting blanket around
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 1/10/2008
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Thank you all for your most excellent questions! While I am working on some answers... Remember our friend John Fawcett, who has been terminally ill with cancer? He has taken a remarkable turn and is so much better than he was a few weeks before Christmas--it is amazing! Praise God! You can read brief posts about his improvement here and here on his wife Margie's blog, and a longer post by
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 12/10/2007
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With permission, I am delighted to share this poem with you, written by the father of a homeschooling family that has recently joined the core team of our church plant. It describes his experience in joining us on one of his first Sundays. It is beautiful and humbling to be a part of what God is doing there! I remember entering a room With a carpet of red; Before me, a fireplace, A table, a
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 12/1/2007
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Praise God from whom all blessings flow! My friend (mentioned here) is going to be released from the hospital tonight. After the testing was completed, she got the great news that the blockage from the blood clot in her brain was not as severe as they thought--something like 50% vs. 70-80%--and the veins in that area were compensating well. The blood clot was responding to blood thinning
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 11/29/2007
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My heart is heavy tonight. We just received news that my good friend, who just stepped down as the Area Coordinator of our theater group--a vivacious, loving, capable and energetic leader, a mom, a wife, and a Christian deeply committed to putting hands and feet to her faith--has a blood clot in her brain, and has had at least five strokes over the last two weeks. She's at a great hospital;
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 11/13/2007
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In my last post in this series, I contrasted a typical evangelical view, of communion as a memorial only, with a sacramental understanding of it as a spiritual feast--food and drink for our souls. With a sacramental worldview, you believe that something happens when a sacrament is performed or received. You believe that something happens when you anoint someone with oil for healing--that it is
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 10/29/2007
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Well, Charlotte's Web is over. What a mixed bag of feelings I have! Pride of accomplishment, joy in seeing kids performing their hearts out for God's glory, sadness that it's all over, nostalgia for this unrepeatable cast--and relief that life can go back to normal for awhile now. It really was a great show--the best Charlotte's Web our Chicago-area executive director said he's ever seen, and
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 10/14/2007
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We are so grateful for all of you who are praying for us and for the church plant! I'm excited to share how God has been answering the last two prayer requests there in my sidebar--that God would send others to enlarge and strengthen the core team with needed gifts and abilities, and that Father Rooster would hear the Lord clearly as he leads the core team and sets direction for the church.
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 10/13/2007
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I love Saturday mornings. My dear, calm husband stays home with our oldest and two youngest, while the three middle children and I frantically gather scripts, ticket orders, my laptop and makeup folder, treats for Big/Lil' Bro/Sis, encouragement notes for others in the cast, costume pieces, etc., etc., and pile into the car to head for theater rehearsal. Our conversation in the car is always
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 10/1/2007
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My 20th year college reunion was so great. Faces brought back names, names brought back memories, and memories evoked an era that just doesn't seem that long ago, despite the wrinkles that everyone seemed to have developed...practically overnight, hasn't it been? Papa Rooster had been asked to emcee part of the program at the big Saturday night dinner event, and he did a beautiful job
By: At A Hen's Pace,
on 9/23/2007
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Well, the Midwest Anglican Awakening service this morning was an incredible joy to attend! Wheaton College's Edman Chapel was packed out. I've been there for numerous conferences and events since I graduated, but I've never seen it so full since my days of attending daily chapel there. The sheer numbers were exciting! Papa Rooster and our clergy house guests were up and gone at the crack of
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Jeanne-
I love what you wrote about grace. I, too, am a fixer, a helper, a doer. This gift, grace, has been freely given. I do not deserve it, yet I recieve it daily. John Wesley said that grace is God's love freely offered to us. So I guess it is our job to stand as a testimony of God's grace......not by what we do, but because of what He (Jesus on the cross)did. We are blessed!!
Thanks for reminding me!
Caroline