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I think number two is so important. I think the best critique is when you can get a group critique, when only a few of the group have read the novel.

Matthew--I agree, and you do an amazing job of group critiques over on your blog! :)

Thanks, Kristi! You should see today's. I don't know anything about Picture Books. Hard work!

Great tips, Kristi!

This is really informative--thanks for sharing!!

Wow, a mini master class in query writing!

Thank you, Nathan. And mammoth thanks to those brave, incredibly generous writers, who have got to be rethinking, if not rewriting, what they submitted for professional scrutiny.

Amazing ideas for everyone to be writing! It is tough to put your work out there - even if it is only a query letter, and I have to admit that all stories struck my interest...

Good luck!!

Hi Nathan,

The query letter is a lot like a job interview. Hide your desperation, lest it make you stutter and wear your finest damn duds.

I want to very kindly and constructively point out that, in the first query, the phrase "I have written" is unnecessary. We can infer that you have written it. You could just say "my YA novel."

Also, you repeated the phrase "all it's cracked up to be." I would watch out for this sort of thing, both because it's repetitive, and because it's a cliche.

Good thoughts, anon.

i've never heard of the phrase "BURYING THE LEDE" but I will avoid that in my queries next time... ol

In #1, "beautiful but himble girl"--I presume this is a typo?

I've been stalking your blog for a while now ;) but I just wanted to say this is such an amazing way to help people learn how to write queries.
I won't be sending out query letters for a decade at least (haha) but when I do I will think back on this.
Thanks so much, Nathan!

Thanks so much, Nathan! Your own 8-ball response made me laugh. You definitely make putting our work out for scrutiny far less scary than it might be on many other blogs.

I've been considering changing the title of this manuscript to "Scratching At the 8-Ball," or something similar. I wonder if that would have made the 8-ball hook feel less extraneous?

Also, I feel guilty taking all the credit here. My friend, Mandy, was a HUGE help to me in putting this query together. :-)

Thanks again!

--Mindi

Thanks for the guidance, Nathan. And thanks to each of the writers for permitting a public critique of their query.

Unfortunately I missed out on being one of the three, but this was highly informative anyway! Maybe it will be mine you read next time!

This was a fantastic post, and exactly what I was looking for in terms of what an agent is looking for in a query.

Many thanks to three writers who let us take a look at their queries, and to Nathan for telling us what he really thought.

I thought two of the queries were quite good - much better than one I recently sent off (oh dear, I have so much work to do...) - so reading this particular post was a real lesson for me.

Sandra J.

Very informative! Thanks for this insight into an agent's mind. ;)

I agree Nathan. I am a 'stalker' of your blog too and think your time out to write it is very generous. I, like many of the others, wish I had been a bit earlier to look. Sometimes with the time difference between the UK and USA I catch you just as you are posting but not this time.

Cheers!

So practical! Thank you to writers and Nathan. I'm challenged to make sure my queries show off my writing abilities.

Question: Nathan, I've always heard that you're not supposed to state that you're unpublished. Is that true or can you make a comment similar to #1?

The old joke about agent's hearts and thimbles certainly doesn't apply to you. Thank you so much for a very effective and useful master class in Query Letter Writing.

Yes, very informative. Thanks Nathan, and thanks three brave posters!

i loved the 8-ball concept - but yes, it does need to integrate into the rest of the story. how about if the lead character use an 8-ball to make decisions?

loved the other two ideas as well. i'm sure sir earl will come to its own when its ripe.

Coming Up for Air is a great title - interesting about the twin dying concept, i've seen a similar plot at a critique session.

thanks nathan and thanks, volunteers. you volunteers deserve big reward for letting us learn from you.

Nathan, thank you for doing this! It was really informative and now I know I need to get back to the drawing board on mine.

I love all the ideas and hope these writers get their perfect query and find their dream agent. :)

I think one of the challenges of writing a query letter is to make it reflective of the work that inspired it. For SIR EARL, there is a really strong premise that could be a heck of a lot of fun, i.e., treating a Fairyland much like the high school's of our retro youth. The letter-jacket/shining armor crowd just sings for contemporary resonance. Therefore I think I would use that witty premise by trying everything I could to make the query as witty and reflective of that as could be.

A lot of that query seems to be telling rather than showing to me. There are nice details, but I believe a lot could be clipped, or shortened to give just a taste. It seems a little wordy for a 42,000 word book. With a nice little tome such as that, I'd aim for an equally breezy query.

I wouldn't highlight that you are unpublished - the lack of credits will say that but your education line will suffice to tell us you are serious.

It has promise. With every query I write, I look at what I can cut, what I can make snappier, what I can do to make it sing and be memorable. SIR EARL is a fun idea, let us share that fun in the query.

As to Audi's story... I know what Nathan is saying about the buried lede. The lost twin, grief and guilt seem crucial to the story. Does the reader find out about the twin early on? Or is it a long-time reveal?

That being said, I have to admit, that I almost like it left hanging entirely. In a way, the teaser is spoilt by the revelation of the twin. If she has a secret, I'm intrigued as to what that secret is and how it impacts the action of the story.

Aside from those questions, I think this query is very professionally written and moves at a nice brisk pace. It's not really my kind of book and yet I was intrigued enough to want to pick it up! Well done.

Great post, Nathan, really useful and informative - and thanks to the brave souls who offered up their queries so we could all learn!

This is an awesome post. Thanks Nathan and thanks especially to the writers who submitted these queries. Very brave. I learned a great deal reading this post.

For the 8-ball story... I agree with Candy. The Magic 8-Ball is an intriguing Macguffin of sorts. It is certainly memorable - and Nathan's response is quite humorously apropos as well. If you use it as a device in the query, I'm hoping it has a relevant place in the construction of the plot.

If not, I think I'd eliminate it as a lead-in and jump right into the girl. The purpose of that opening paragraph is to set the stage for the story, but you can almost do it in a one-liner that cuts to the chase. Seth's buddy died, he changed.

Is the death a key part of the plot? Or does it happen as we enter the story? Or before the story even? It seems as if the title and the description seem to play on the idea that there are two Seth's - the hard partying one that his band buddies knew, and the one that only Rosetta sees. Which one is fake?

It is a great thought and one to which we can all relate - how do we pick our identities? How do we become who we are? We all have 'personas' that we adopt over time. Slacker, loser, wasted partyer, but those truly are never all there is. There is always something much deeper. Sometimes even more than we ourselves know.

That is the beauty of your story - the reveal of that inner humanity as Seth discovers that which Rosetta sees. I think that has a lot of promise.

Now the trick is how to cut right to that and intrigue us with your query version of it.

Love it when you do these, Nathan!

Congrats to the brave souls who allowed the masses to see their work.

#1 -- "Classified Ads in the Fairyland Times" cracked me up. However, it is a bit wordy, and almost reads like a synopsis. Hit the key plot elements and leave the rest out?

Perhaps delete the last two paragraphs entirely? Instead try a simple: The novel is complete at XX words. I look forward to hearing from you.

No need to say you are unpublished or you can send it to the agent a variety of ways. They already know this.

#3 -- The catalyst of story seems to be the MC's friend's death, with the actual story arc concerning Seth's life afterward? If this is the case, it might help to include plot points that have to do with the ways Rosetta "challenges" Seth. The way it is now it only seems like they swap stories.

(but I suck at queries, so take my comments with a grain of salt)

Good luck to everyone!

I quite liked the Sir Earl story, but I thought the query was a little hampered by a looseness of style and repetition, which you really can't afford in the confines of a query letter. Just taking a screwdriver and tightening the screws down would help a lot on this piece. A few (merely subjective) suggestions.

Please consider representing Sir Earl, the children's novel I have written[you could cut "I have written" as this is a given - unless the writer happens to be a plagiarist:)] which takes place in a land where the fantastic fairy tales we grew up hearing[you could cut "we grew up hearing", as again we generally know where and when we heard fairy tales] are just a part of common, everyday[You could probably cut one of these, either "common" or "everyday", as they are somewhat repetitive in meaning. There are reasons for keeping both, but in a query letter I don't think you have that luxury] life. In Fairyland, the land where enchantment is ordinary[This basically repeats the meaning of the previous sentence, though the wording is nicer here. I'd rework these sentences so that you only say it once], a young man named Earl has always dreamed of being a "Knight in Shining Armor," a group of stuck-up jocks that love walking around in their flashy letterman jackets["a group of stuck up jocks in flashy letterman jackets" would be an abbreviated form for this], yet he always finds himself a cut below the best[You could cut "the best", as it's understood through context]. To prove his worthiness to be a "Knight in Shining Armor,"["To be a Knight in Shining Armor" could be cut, again because it's repetitive and clearly understood from its context] Earl seeks to rescue every damsel in distress he can, and in this fairy tale land["in this fairy tale land" is a bit repetitive. We know the concept now, and this could easily be replaced by something as simple as "luckily"] damsels in distress are a dime a dozen[I hesitate on "dime a dozen", as it's a bit cliched - but sort of interesting as it plugs the ordinary into the fantastic. Something to think about, anyway.]. They even have classified ads in the Fairyland Times. [Nice line. This is the sort of humor and personality that really caught my eye as a reader]

When Earl finds one such add for the Princess Esmerelda, he embarks on an adventure["Embarks on an adventure" is a little vague. What does the ad say, and what are they going to do?] with the falsely accused Big Bad Wolf and the beautiful but himble[typo] girl next door, Sara, as his companions. When he finally reaches Esmerelda's castle, Earl finds that this rescuing business isn't all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it seems a little easy. Earl just walks in and finds the princess without having to fight any dragons, ogres, monsters or anything[this sentence could be tightened. It would be a nice moment for a bit of humor]. He soon finds, though, that Princess Esmerelda isn't all she's cracked up to be[cracked up to be is a little cliched, and it's also repeated twice in this paragraph]. She's kind of bossy, more than a little conceited, and she's[you could cut "she's" if you wanted] just plain annoying. Earl starts to realize that he wasn't looking for a princess all along, but a normal girl like Sara, who's been sitting under his nose this whole time[Everything after "like Sara" could be cut, if desired]. It could be too late for Earl and Sara, though, because the Princess Esmerelda is actually the evil Sorceress Vennulga[You could cut the name, as it doesn't really add anything to the query. As a reader, I just need to know it's an evil sorceress], disguised as a princess in an ill-executed attempt to leave evil["evil" is repeated twice, so you could cut one of them] sorcery behind her[You could cut her}. She won't let Earl go without a fight. But it's a fight Earl is up to, because he has finally found something worth fighting for in the girl next door.[Could cut "in the girl next door"]

I am a previously unpublished writer, though I am working hard to change that.[You could easily cut this whole first sentence. If you don't list publishing credits the agent will simply assume this] I am from Sacramento, California[comma] and recently graduated from Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah[comma... but you could probably cut "in Provo, Utah"] with a degree in English. To read the first two chapters of Sir Earl and some of my other writing[You could cut "and some of my other writing" as they'll see it when they get there, and read it if they want to], you can visit michaelpickett.net.

The manuscript for Sir Earl is about 42,000 words in length and is made up of fifteen chapters with a short epilogue[You could cut everything after "words"]. I have pasted the first chapter below. If you would like to review the entire manuscript for possible representation[You could cut "for possible representation" as it's understood, and you repeat it again in a couple lines], I have it ready for submission{Cut "for submission" in hard copy, and any electronic means you may require["and electronic formats" would be an abbreviated form for this]. Thanks again,[I'd cut this comma too, but I'm obviously cut happy] for considering Sir Earl for representation. I look forward to hearing from you.



I hope that was helpful and not too intrusive. I quite liked the story idea and some of the humor that peaked through, and thought that this was the sort of thing I might like to get my daughter in a few years... and maybe I will! When browsing shelves I'll keep my eyes peeled for Sir Earl. (Oh, and with just these basic cuts to tighten down the sentences, my computer said it was 343 words, right in Nathan's sweet spot.)

Best of luck with it.

PS And Nathan... sorry about the Kings. Ick. Though Hawes and Thompson make me think they might have a future...

I really like the smart way you critiqued these, especially when you mentioned the "sweet spot" of 250-350 words. Before I found my agent, I always had better responses with queries in that range.

I skip one day and miss the oportunity of a lifetime to submit a query to Nathan with no pressure! Dang!

Note to self...become a Nathan blog addict, and check it at least a hundred times a day until there is new info.

On another note. Thanks so much for doing this! It is VERY informative! You're the best Nathan!

Hey Everyone...I just wanted to say thanks for your kind words. I was excited when I saw Nathan's post and immediately submitted the hook (clearly I left out the intro and closing paragraphs which I personalize)for my YA novel. It was in rough draft form, but I wanted to get some feedback, so I went for it.

That said, I was terrified the rest of the day and wished I hadn't sent it. Now, I'm glad that I did. Nathan, I appreciate your feedback and look forward to submitting to you once I perfect the query and put the final touches on the manuscript. Everyone else, again, I thank you for your encouragement and kind words, and I wish you all the best of luck with your projects as well. :)

For the writer of #2: If you've not read The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield, you might like to check it out. It's a really well-written novel that has much to do with lost twins.

Professor Tarr,

Yes, the reader knows immediately about the lost twin. Also, the reader is aware that Audi has a secret that involves the death of her twin.

I struggled for a long time about whether or not to start with this information in the opening pages of the novel, only because the story isn't about the death, it's about grieving and healing. Yes, there are many sad parts, but ultimately, it's about moving on, acceptance, and also first love. I don't want the reader to think it's only a depressing story because of the opening lines, but at the same time, I think it's essential for the reader to know the situation: Audi is the main character. Her twin sister has died, and she thinks it is her fault. So, I've decided to begin the novel that way.

Now, for the query...well, you see what I was trying to do. Again, I have the same concern: I don't want an agent/reader to be turned off about the death and think it is a depressing story because in the end, it isn't. I definitely see Nathan's point though, and I don't want to lose that hook by saving the info about the twin until the end. I'm happy that it works for some as it is though, and I'll keep playing with it. I always start with a rough query and then adapt it as I go through the process and see what is working.

Again, thanks for your compliments. I was really nervous yesterday when I submitted this, especially since I knew it wasn't in the best form. Again though, it is so thrilling to see your character's name in print and to hear others talking about it. I encourage others to seize the opportunity the next time it arises. :)

Thanks, Nathan, for this great insight to your evaluation process. As someone who has never written a query but will have to soon, I really appreciate this.

Also thanks to those brave souls who offered up their queries for critique. I will say that I was interested by all of them, so hopefully you'll get some important fish (i.e., agents) to bite!

Hi, Nathan,

As I was running around like crazy yesterday, getting ready to attend a rally in which a presidential candidate was appearing, gates opening five hours before the event and lines forming hours before that, I quickly checked out your blog. My reaction was: Noooooooooooo, there's an invitation to submit a query now?!!? Out of time, I walked away from my computer. Will you do this again? Do you ever critique the opening page or two of a novel?

Thank you, Nathan and the three people who submitted queries. I learned a lot.

Viola, I think you're absolutely right in how you're looking at this. It is a bit of a dilemma as to how to craft the query to not over-play the pathos of the death on the overall. The good thing is that you have a strong story that shines through and your writing style itself is immediately accessible.

By taking the reader into that confidence, you are giving them that hidden insight that makes them immediately sympathetic to the plight of Audi. I think an agent would want that same sympathy. By starting from that foundation, you can then quickly redirect expectations to that of the coping, the grieving and the joyous act of becoming whole again - which is the key part, and really it is the change where we as a reader will truly empathize.

For my own queries I come into some of those same challenges. I have a story with a lot of twists and turns. The reader will be frequently challenged as to who the killer in my story is - and even who the victims are! - and though I know that the query-reader is not the end user reader, it is so difficult not to play up those same devices I use to misdirect in my query. But that in a way over-emphasizes their importance. They are important, but they shouldn't overshadow the rest.

One of the devices I use is to have two narrative voices - one first person, one third. We are lead to believe that they are the same point of view throughout, but ultimately we discover that they are separate. As I self-analyse, I realize that I probably should out myself right away by admitting that the first person voice is not the main character. And I should probably reveal to the agent exactly who it belongs to as that is the final twist that will never be read without a full request.

All along the reader supplements their impressions of the acts of the countervaling scenes with these snippets, and they help to steer the reader down a more sympathetic path, but taken out, we see a colder heart within, and that is emblematic all its own.

Man, it's such a fine line of what to leave in and what to take out...

I love reading your take. Really makes me think over my own query. Thanks for doing things like this for all of us wannabees out here in blog land.

What a helpful post. Thanks much!

I appreciate it so much when you get to the nitty gritty of what works and what doesn't in queries. I still trying to refine.

Love these query critiques, thank you; they really help me a lot. I was just wondering - is it a good idea to start with a synopsis, as these three have done? Instead of a sentence or two describing the novel's genre and why I've chosen that particular agent? Thanks!

re: bryan russel's comments on Sir Earl. These are exactly the kind of detailed, specific comments I want and need for my own queries.

However, the fact that there are so many instances of unpolished / unrevised writing makes me think that the novel itself must be written the same way. If a query has redundancies, errors, and imprecise usages, ridding the query of all that is not going to get the novel represented and sold if the prose has not also been similarly revised.

So, author, bryan russel has lavished attention on your query letter. It's up to you (as it is to all of us) to lavish the same attention on your story.

Not that it needs to be said again, but great entry, Nathan. So informative and free of tuition!

Just the kind of information I have been looking for!

Is it a bad time to query agents during the holiday season?

anon-

Avoid the weeks around major holidays.

Hi. I've been lurking for awhile, and found your information very helpful, Nathan. I'd like to thank you and announce that I'm very proud today. I just submitted my first query ever! Now, I can honestly say that I am an unpublished writer. I feel so legitimate! :-) I used tons of your suggestions, from this article and others - thank you for your help!

Thanks, Nsthan - I'm grateful you're willing to take the time to do this.

Here is a generic query letter for my first novel. It's unpersonalized, but this is the main body of the letter. Thanks, Nathan.

Dear (Agent in Question):



Please consider representing Sir Earl, the children's novel I have written which takes place in a land where the fantastic fairy tales we grew up hearing are just a part of common, everyday life. In Fairyland, the land where enchantment is ordinary, a young man named Earl has always dreamed of being a "Knight in Shining Armor," a group of stuck-up jocks that love walking around in their flashy letterman jackets, yet he always finds himself a cut below the best. To prove his worthiness to be a "Knight in Shining Armor," Earl seeks to rescue every damsel in distress he can, and in this fairy tale land damsels in distress are a dime a dozen. They even have classified ads in the Fairyland Times.



When Earl finds one such add for the Princess Esmerelda, he embarks on an adventure with the falsely accused Big Bad Wolf and the beautiful but himble girl next door, Sara, as his companions. When he finally reaches Esmerelda's castle, Earl finds that this rescuing business isn't all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it seems a little easy. Earl just walks in and finds the princess without having to fight any dragons, ogres, monsters or anything. He soon finds, though, that Princess Esmerelda isn't all she's cracked up to be. She's kind of bossy, more than a little conceited, and she's just plain annoying. Earl starts to realize that he wasn't looking for a princess all along, but a normal girl like Sara, who's been sitting under his nose this whole time. It could be too late for Earl and Sara, though, because the Princess Esmerelda is actually the evil Sorceress Vennulga, disguised as a princess in an ill-executed attempt to leave evil sorcery behind her. She won't let Earl go without a fight. But it's a fight Earl is up to, because he has finally found something worth fighting for in the girl next door.



I am a previously unpublished writer, though I am working hard to change that. I am from Sacramento, California and recently graduated from Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah with a degree in English. To read the first two chapters of Sir Earl and some of my other writing, you can visit michaelpickett.net.



The manuscript for Sir Earl is about 42,000 words in length and is made up of fifteen chapters with a short epilogue. I have pasted the first chapter below. If you would like to review the entire manuscript for possible representation, I have it ready for submission in hard copy, and any electronic means you may require. Thanks again, for considering Sir Earl for representation. I look forward to hearing from you.



Sincerely,






Michael Pickett

Seventeen year-old Audi Layton has a secret. No one in the small Midwestern lake community knows why she and her father have relocated from Chicago a month before the end of her junior year in high school, and she wants to keep it that way. She tries to avoid sharing too much with the girls at the doughnut shop where she works, and she especially keeps things from Emerson, the handsome boy who visits the shop daily. The appeal of having friends again, and maybe a boyfriend, is strong though, and before Audi knows it, she has fallen in love and is close to exposing the secret that threatens to destroy her.

COMING UP FOR AIR is more than a novel about first love or a teenager experiencing grief. It’s a story for anyone who has watched someone they love struggle with pain that runs so deep it’s deadly. Audi’s fight to recover from the loss of her twin and to forgive herself and her sister for the mistakes they made is one many of us can relate to, and the thrill of Audi’s finding friendship and romance has universal appeal.

If Seth McCoy had asked his Magic 8-Ball whether he’d ever get his life on track, the answer would have been: Very doubtful. Or maybe: Don’t count on it. For too long, Seth’s only focus was getting wasted with his band—a pastime that contributed to his reputation as a slacker, a jerk, and an all-out loser. But there’s one thing the Magic 8-ball didn’t predict: Seth’s close friend dying after a night of partying.

Scared sober, Seth finally notices a girl who’s been there all along: sweet, beautiful, broken Rosetta. She’s a brainiac from Rich Bitch Hill, but she doesn’t judge Seth for who he’s been. Instead, she challenges him to become the person he wants to be—the person no one else sees. Seth and Rosetta confide in each other, and are comforted to find parallels in the troubled pasts they’re struggling to leave behind. Still, when it comes to their relationship, Seth can’t help thinking: Outlook not so good.

THE FAKE MCCOY is a YA novel about defying expectations and breaking free of the words that define you. Straddling the line between literary and commercial, it runs 74,000 words and should appeal to readers of Barry Lyga or Sara Zarr.

Thanks, everyone! Check back later in the day for a critique.

Nathan, I too think the "I am seeking representation" is implied in the very nature of the query - no need to waste space or start with a statement of the obvious.

IMO, start the query with the one-line hook/pitch or a pithy, witty paragraph personalized to the agent.

Madison's query impressed me, but all the more so because she has the disciple to complete a novel AND she hasn't even finished high school! How many adults never finish their WIP's? How many adults can't write a tight, cohesive query?

Too darn many!

Kudos to Madison!

PS: Nathan? How about you make the 3-query-crit a weekly blog feature?

We are all certain to learn from the examples....

I would have asked for #2 as well. It's fun!

:( I'm sad because I was too late to enter my query for the critique. But that second one sounded amazing! I would totally read that.

I'll second Josephine's comments. Kudos to all three who posted and thank you Nathan!

The advice for these queries is both practical and personal. Thanks for giving critiques that can help not only these queries but practically any query!

I also loved Madison's. I knew it was a winner before I finished, and then was floored to see that she was a high schooler. Teenager or not, it was concise, vivid, and engaging. Well done!

I found myself stumbling over Andrew's second paragraph.

One thing I've noticed about queries I've seen posted for critique is how often the writers use vague language. Maybe they're trying to summarize quickly, to convey some overall impression, but I figure you should be as concrete as possible when you've only got one page to impress an agent. "Collage of eccentricity," is a wonderful-sounding phrase, but I have no idea what it means in the context of Nate's life. Likewise, "the very definition of idiosyncratic." Give me details. "Neither hungry nor artistic" sounds nice, but some evidence of that would bring it home to the reader.

"Sixteen-year-old Nate Chiarello's life is a mess. His mother prints up 'Save the Bolivian Weevil' brochures in the basement, his father is building a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of lawn ornaments and his starving-artist brother has gained ten pounds while waiting for yet another gallery to reject his work."

Er. . . Am I off base, here?

Thank you, Nathan, this is very instructive. And thanks to the brave queriers!

I was impressed with all three and found it funny that they were all YA. Are your queries trending in that direction?

I think Madison's story sounds like a lot of fun, a sort of Sally Lockhart at sea. I would definitely pick that up.

Er. . . I neglected to mention that all 3 queries had me shortly after "Hello," and I am, therefore, terribly, terribly jealous.

Thanks for the insight, Nathan.

I hope maniacscribbler won't mind if I point out that there are a couple of grammatical and semantic errors in the query, and I imagine some agents and editors rapidly lose confidence in a writer when these come up, so that it would be good to ensure the query is in perfect shape in this respect (not to mention the book itself!) before sending it out.

The two that jump out at me are "... destroy the whole world if she so wish." (I believe that should be "wishes") and "... a magicmaker who is also being prosecuted by the High King." (I believe that should be "persecuted," since "prosecuted" means being tried in a court of law).

Luc

I really like Madison's. I'm such a sucker for historical, and it sounds fantastic. I wish I could be an agent for as long as it would take me to get a read.

I wish this was done more. I tried to submit one, but these three have the fastest fingers.

But we all know you have e-queries to read, partials to read, and fulls to read.

Great job, Madison! I began submitting to publishers when I was in high school as well, although none of my queries EVER looked as good as yours! It's incredibly difficult to write a query for people of any age, but you really nailed it!

And it was very nice of all three writers to allow Nathan to review their queries online.

I too admire the fact that Madison is a high schooler. I'm worried, though, that the plot is too derivative of Treasure Island. Aside from the fact that the protagonist is a fatherless woman and not a fatherless boy, how is the plot different (good guy trapped on a ship with mutinous pirates all on their way to an island to retrieve the same treasure ...)? Madison may need to make more clear how his/her story is more than a retelling of a classic with a twist.

Thanks for the critique Nathan! You comments were awesome and I already know how I can go about adding more details to explain Kam and Christian further and make them both more individual in the query.

Thanks again!

~Andy

@ Ulysses

You made some great points and I know exactly what you mean about the vagueness of those phrases. In the early incarnations of the query I did have small anecdotes, I guess I could say, to explain what I was saying, but the query became kind of lengthy after that. So, in the end, I opted for vangueness rather than specificity.

But thank you for the comments and now that I've spent a month away from the query I might be able to go back and revise it and fit things in without adding too much to the length.

Madison,
I can't wait to show your query to my daughter, a high school freshman who has been writing two novels, albeit not at the focused level you are demonstrating. You are an inspiration to all of us!

"Pirates are overpublished at the moment."

Oh, say it isn't so!

I love me some pirates, and will never tire of them.

Margaret-

Me too -- I don't always listen to those other people. I don't think there can ever be too many pirates.

Screw "Reality Teevee". This was worth making popcorn for!

^Agree with the both of you.

I don't think the things we love will ever get old. That would be like saying or er...Judy Blume, John Grisham, Margaret Atwood's THE EDIBLE WOMAN, and Ian McEwan will get old. Absolutely not.

First off, thank you, Nathan for critiquing my query. I'm going to start working on getting it into the proper shape now.
Also, thank you to Ulysses, and Luc. I had not actually noticed the way that the statements were oddly worded.
ManiacScribbler

If Madison were to query her story with the line "'The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle' meets 'Treasure Island'" - would that be a bad thing? Would you think that her plot is derivative or would you think, yes, that's a clever combination?

I know that people often point to similarities between their stories and others, I just don't know how agents react to that.

Thanks.

I'm reading "The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists" right now, and it's very, very funny.

to r.c.: I immediately thought of "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle," too.

Even Shakespeare retold the same old stories. He just retold them better. With a few name changes, I could pretty much use that first query for my own book, and so could probably a thousand other would-be Shakespeares. I know what sets my used up old story apart from everybody else’s and makes it brilliant (Well, in my opinion, but if I don’t believe it, who else will?) And I’ll try my darnedest to convey that brilliance in my query. However, what I need to understand is what would set my story apart and make it stand out to you. You’ve already made it clear that you like interesting characters, plots and a clever turn of phrase, i.e. deft writing, etc. You give an excellent list in that regard. But explain to me what you think was the new twist on an old archetype that turned “boy from humble background is actually from noble birth and must save his land using secret power” into Star Wars.

And of course, you think there can never be too many pirates. Half the time, they’re named Nathan . . . Nate . . . Nathanial . . . And he’s always the captain, too, isn't he?

hmmm, it appears to me a good query is nothing more than a hook written on the back of a book?

..and a bit more of the book info

I can use both Printmaster and AOL graphics in my Query, legally, because this is not a published article that turns a profit?

jackie-

I'm just going to assume you were joking on that last question.

you implied to doll up a Query, the little mind is spinning :)

May I just say that I am utterly impressed by madison's maturity and writing skills. A high school senior! Indeed, there is hope for this sorry world. :)

My question, really, is do you want to know how old a writer is in a query letter? Granted, my personal response was positive when I read that madison is in high school. I thought the query was really strong, so the mention of her age was an added "punch."

Way to go, madison. You have a beautiful career ahead of you. Keep working hard!!

I don't think it's necessary to includes one's age in a query letter, unless there's a specific reason to, like you're a high school senior, which is unusual, or you're the oldest person in the world and you've decided to write a memoir on how your vegan lifestyle really paid off.

I think the only other time I would mention my age in a query is if it was for a nonfiction proposal and specifically had something to do with the subject.

uh... make that include.

Yup. I agree with Michelle.

Anyone prefer the "name, rank and serial number" approach to queries?

Just happened to be over at agent Jonathan Lyon's blog, and he's only accepting queries via his online form as of 3/31/2008:

Author
Title
Synopsis
of the Work
(no more than 500 words)
Your Biography
Your Address
Your E-mail Address
Your Phone Number
______________________

Wow, you can skip over query agony, and get straight into synopsis agony (500 words) and "Your Biography" agony - it makes me a little nervous - I mean, I imagine the "ideal" biography as 3 Guggenheims to your name, tenure, frequent travel abroad, your own cooking show, a river named after you, guest columns in the NYT, prizes and contests won...

...everything old is new again...

That helps greatly Michelle.

I'm actually 89-years-old. Would you consider representing my non-fictional book about the struggle to find a good pair of eye glasses and an argyle sweater?

Hey, why not? The world is in desperate need of a book just like that. ;]

Adaora - you make the strangest comments. In a good way -- I think!

@Annonymous - Thanks! I Appreciate it. It means I'm memorable.

@Michelle - It works very well I think.

Madison's novel sounds interesting, but the query itself didn't feel particularly strong to me, as there seemed to be a couple of logical flaws. It first says that she can raise a sail, etc., as easily as drinking tea, but then it goes on to say that the other pirates resent her incompetence -- I found myself unsure as to whether she was a strong pirate or a bumbling one. Also, I'm not sure why her becoming intoxicated with her new life is a bad thing.

These are nitpicky, perhaps, and the story itself does sound like fun, but I would say the query could be stronger if these two points were cleared up.

Nathan - you've thrown the entire Query Letter Critique (aka Query Hell) forum over at AbsoluteWrite into a tailspin ... :P

Good question -- what's funny about this is that I would never ask someone to send sample pages with their query, but I'm always glad when they do!

My backwardness on this topic is because if I were to ask for sample pages with their query people would send them as attachments, and I don't want attachments because I don't want to crash the server with all the queries I'm receiving. But if you were to paste in the first few pages into the actual query without sending them as an attachment I think it's always a good idea.

So yes -- paste in those sample pages after your query!

I found the above on another site where you were a guest. Bearing in mind the adage, give an inch, they take a mile, exactly how many pages do you consider to be a few? My contrary female nature is just itching to paste my entire mile long novel to my query, but I'll settle for 1 page, 5, 30???

Madison's novel sounds interesting, but the query itself didn't feel particularly strong to me, as there seemed to be a couple of logical flaws. It first says that she can raise a sail, etc., as easily as drinking tea, but then it goes on to say that the other pirates resent her incompetence -- I found myself unsure as to whether she was a strong pirate or a bumbling one. Also, I'm not sure why her becoming intoxicated with her new life is a bad thing.

These are nitpicky, perhaps, and the story itself does sound like fun, but I would say the query could be stronger if these two points were cleared.




Good points. Perhaps she still has some 'pirate abilities' - other then the sail raising and etc - which make her unable to do things exactly like the others. Perhaps she is a pirate with her idosyncracies which we all have as people. For instance: I'm a really great cook but honestly, I'm clumsy as hell sometimes. I can trip and stumble into (and over) the stupidest things. It's mightily embarassing at times. I like to believe I'm a decent writer, but I type much faster then I write. Often my writing - longhand - can be likened to chicken scrawl.

Perhaps her becoming so use to her new life is bad because she has to deal with unresolved issues at home, or someone from her old life might come around? Perhaps she'll loose some of that 'womanly behaviour' which was so necessary back then in order to 'secure' a husband.

Remember that famous line from Jane Austen:

"It can be universally acknoledged that every man of good fortune is in want of a wife." - I think I missed a few words but threre it is.

I think those great questions you posed would only make an agent want to read on to get the answers. I would er...imagine. I'm not an agent though, I just wan't one!

I think the important thing to remember is that I'm not really scrutinizing every detail of a query (unless I'm critiquing it to show what works), I'm mainly just absorbing and answering the question: "Do I want to read more?" It's more important for a query to be well written and show an interesting premise than it is to be completely airtight in terms of plot and character, particularly since I understand that a query is just a sketch of the whole thing. I'd rather answer any lingering questions I might have by reading the partial.

^
That's really good information to know. I'm not saying that I'm suddenly going to write a 'not so good' format for a query and hope the plot wows, but it's brilliant to know all the same.

sorry this is so late. thanks, nathan, for the critique, and thanks everyone for the awesome comments! I haven't been hiding...I've been without internet for a few days. I don't have time to answer all of the speculations/questions about the query and the book because I'm in a foreign country :). Read it once it's on the shelves :). thanks again!

Very nice. I especially love the line, "Do you mark my turning?" as well as the absolution imagery.

Did I ever tell you how much a fan I am? Love, love, love the "shape" of this poem.

ooh, another good one. Thanks, Sara.

Lovely. Love it.

And I wonder too whether or not to pull the right pants leg back through, and whether to turn all those cycling shorts to rights. Usually I do it without thinking. Funny how, when I think about it, I get angry and feel slighted -- and how hubby thinks not a thing. And he doesn't mark my turning, anymore than he marks his own.

" or does absolution unfold against your skin and dress you unawares?"

Love the powerful last stanza. Your poems turn my mind inside out. Thanks for keeping my brain in tune!

I really admire how you take such simple subject matter and make them artistic.

Great Work!

This is great. What a great metaphor for all those petty domestic grievances.

Thanks, everyone. I didn't know if a "concrete" poem would keep its formatting in Blogger, but this one seemed to hold its form okay.

Kelly, glad to know it's not just me. I actually wrote this one several years ago after doing the laundry and I WAS irritated, but as usual, the poem took hold of me and forced me to see all the many, many silly things I've been absolved of without my ever knowing. For which I'm beyond grateful.

Wonderful, Sara. I can just picture the moment.

I am not the one who does laundry in our house and now I have so much more appreciation for the one who does have that job...

Thank you so much for this beauty.

Sara,

I love the original poems you post here. I look forward to reading more!

I do love this. It makes me glad I didn't out out one of my own this week; I couldn't pull off anything like this, npi.

We wrap our loved ones in all kinds of unspoken gestures, don't we?!?!

This is deLIGHTful. I'm going to go do a load of laundry now. With pleasure...